The results of the Final Four…

Kimberly Walsh beats Holly Willoughby 39-37

Myleen Klass 53-12

Voting closes Thursday 11:59 PM EST

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

Holly Willoughby welcomed viewers back to the House Party.

“Folks, there is a lot happening in the news right now. And that includes the news itself. Does that make sense? Im not sure, but anyway, please welcome our guests tonight!”

Weather reporters Laura Tobin and Lucy Verasamy

and sports reporters Natalie Sawyer and Anna Woolhouse

entered the stage to applause. “Welcome, welcome, ladies! Thank you for joining us here tonight! Now tonight, we’re gonna find out who is more popular, weather girls…” she gestured to Laura and Lucy while the crowd applauded “Or sports girls?” the crowd applauded again as Holly gestured to Natalie and Anna.

Holly continued “Laura, Lucy, why should the public vote for you?” Laura answered “Holly, we’re just essential. People want to have a party, they need to see what the weather is. People want to go to the beach, they need to see what the weather is. People want to, oh I dont know, play sports, they need to know the weather.”

Natalie laughed “Oh come on, the weather is boring. We bring excitement into peoples lives. They want to hear about the thrills on the field, not what the clouds are gonna like.”

Holly spoke up “Well, those are arguments. Our viewers will vote on who is more popular. And whoever gets less votes…” Holly’s voice trailed off while a spotlight and the camera highlighted the vehicle for the Trip Around the Great House.

Laura, Lucy, Natalie, and Anna all looked tense while Holly continued. “So thats how it will be. Weather or sports. Who’s better? You decide. Join us later to see the result!”

Voting ends Thursday at 11:59 PM EST

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.This story will contain scenes of nudity and/or a sexual nature. 

Sally Bundock had been worrying over night what crazy scheme Maura Higgins may have got her friend and fellow BBC Business Reporter Victoria Fritz involved in. Victoria had been feeling down with the pressures of coping with a young baby in Lockdown and had sought Sally’s advice but Maura and fellow BBC Presenter Holly Hamilton had been on the call as well. Maura had ended up talking to Victoria alone and convincing her she was still a beautiful woman with a very sexy body as she approached her 36th birthday.

Sally had nervously called Victoria and had been relieved to discover that Victoria seemed more settled today and Victoria reassured Sally that she had only had a fun chat with Maura and the girly talk was just what she needed. Holly confirmed that Maura had told her that she and Victoria had just had a fun chat and she had cheered Victoria up a bit. Maura also suggested that for that evening’s’ video call all 3 ladies signed in with their thong clad bums pointing at the camera. This was typical Maura and since she had made both Holly and Sally feel much more sexy and body confident they all agreed it would be fun.

Maura had been having a video chat with Sally’s oldest son who was known as Big by the ladies as Sally referred to her 3 boys as Big, Middle and Little. Big was smitten with Maura and religiously studying for his exams at her behest. He had also invited some of his year 10 schoolmates onto the call and Maura was having some fun banter with them. These lads had also become smitten with Sally since she did her fun gunging in a bikini a few days before and Sally was enjoying being an unlikely elder sex symbol to these lads. “I’ve got one more treat for you boys” Maura teased standing up and showing her thong swimsuit clad bum to the cheering lads. She put them on mute and took the incoming calls from Holly and Sally. Holly had got on a flesh coloured Ann Summers bra and thong set Maura had sent her and Sally had ventured into a red thong and matching bra also from Ann Summers. They all linked up on the call

“Still got my white wobbly bits” Sally joked pinching her bum cheeks. “Wow Hol you look amazing and you are looking sexy too Sal” Maura teased. “So you aren’t calling me Slutty now?” Sally joked. Suddenly Maura put the boys back on sound and there was a load of wolf whistling and cheers. “Wow Hol and Mum!” Big shouted delighted to see Holly looking so good but embarrassed to see his mum showing her butt cheeks to all his mates. “Wow Sally is perfect” “I love you Mrs Bundock” “You are my dream woman Sally” was amongst the things shouted. Holly and Sally both screamed and turned around to display their fronts with their hands over their bras. “Mum why does Maura call you Slutty?” Big demanded. “It’s just a fun nickname I’ve got for her Big” Maura said jumping in. “Also your bum looks very familiar Hol?” Big asked as he had been sent a signed photo of Holly’s thong covered bum by Maura under the pretense it was hers. “You lads need to sign off” Sally stammered moving out of view. “Maura that was a cruel thing to do to us and especially to Big” Holly said. “All you guys think Big is amazing as he has this cool sexy mum and her naughty friend who do these fun treats for you. Don’t you guys” Maura asked the lads. “They all cheered”. “We’ll get him to send you all a signed photo of them both like this” Maura added. “Please” yelled all the lads.

“Okay you guys need to sign off but we’ll all give you a sexy bum wiggle first and you need to give Big a huge cheer for helping me set up this fun surprise for you all” Maura said. Reluctantly Sally and Holly stood back up and wiggled their bums to the cheering boys along with Maura. “Now all you good boys sign off or there will be no more sexy treats next time” Maura promised blowing them a kiss. “That was so embarrassing and poor Big when he saw his mum showing her big white wobbly bum cheeks and he’ll suss it was my bum on that photo” said Holly giggling. “Well if you keep flashing that juicy pert rear to him?” Maura teased. “The lads certainly loved to Sal” Holly laughed. “My bum isn’t that big white and wobbly either. Plus those lads certainly appreciated it too and you did turn it around in Big’s favour. He’ll still be embarrassed about them all seeing my bum and me in this Ann Summers stuff but it was funny” Sally giggled. “They had seen the clip of you in your bikini. So what is the difference Slutty?” Maura suggested. “You are so naughty yet you somehow make things work out” Holly concluded.

“Yes, Big has just texted me from next room honestly saying his mates are even more in love with me and he has had requests for over 20 signed photos of my bum image” Sally said laughing. “I bet he thought you had started an Only Fans site when he walked in on you showing us your muff and now with this” Maura joked. “What is Only Fans, he has had a subscription to one for the last few months via my credit card. He told me it was a music sharing site” Sally asked. “Well it is a sharing site but more of the adult female variety Slutty” Maura replied. “I’ll kill him, the randy little git” Sally stormed. “Relax Sal, it helps keep him happy and if you are signing naughty photos of yourself for his mates. You cannot moan about him doing that” Holly suggested. “Yes, I guess so, last week I’d have had him over the coals for that but now I can see the funny irony of it” Sally replied. “You could set up your own Only Fans Page Slutty?” Maura suggested. “I don’t think so, maybe Hol might though” Sally replied laughing. “No Slutty Sal certainly has the adolescent fan base and she could sell her worn sensible white knickers via them” Holly quipped. “No I’ve given them all to a charity shop actually” Sally responded. “Even the pair with that skid you could never remove?” Maura joked “**** off Maura” Sally replied roaring with laughter. “I’ve never heard you use that word before but **** why not” Holly added laughing.

Just then Victoria Fritz came onto the call. Still looking harassed but happier than the day before.

“Hiya ladies” Victoria said. “Hi Tits” shouted Maura. “What?” said Sally. “She’s Victoria Fritz with the huge lactating tits so I call her Tits Slutty?” Maura replied. Victoria began to giggle and said “Calling you Slutty Sal is so funny. But how you are dressed today I can understand it”. “This was something we did as a bit of fun Vick” Holly said. “Wow you look amazing as well Holl” Victoria added. “Her body is probably even better than mine” Maura said complimenting Holly. “Thanks Hurricane Maura” Holly replied. “I feel a bit overdressed Victoria” said. “Well strip down to your nursing bra and parachute knickers Tits” Maura said. “Maura, Vick probably doesn’t want to do that?” Sally said. “We did it last night and I made Tits feel better about herself” Maura said. “Tell me that’s not true” said Holly laughing nervously. “You’ve got baby sick in your hair Vick” Sally said. “Yes it’s from yesterday, Maura told me not to wash it and I’m also wearing the same clothes as yesterday as she told me to” Victoria replied.

“What are you doing Maura?” Sally demanded. “I’m going to make her feel so good and so sexy for her birthday tomorrow. Trust me Slutty” Maura replied. “But doesn’t your husband come home tonight Vick?” Holly asked. “Yes he’ll be home in just over an hour” Victoria confirmed. “Get him to take the two children out for a couple of hours tomorrow and call us when he has left. We’ll make you feel so much better about yourself Tits” Maura said. “Okay” Victoria said. “Here we go” Sally thought to herself. “When my youngest was born and in hospital I wore the same pair of knickers for over 5 weeks washing them out in the sink each night” Victoria admitted. “So that is where you got the idea from Holl. When you nearly burnt my holiday cottage down” Maura said laughing. “Yes£ admitted Holly. “You haven’t stripped down yet Tits” Maura ordered Victoria. Obediently Victoria unzipped her dress and pulled it over her head to reveal her vest top and baggy knickers which were slightly stained by baby food and substances. She took off her vest top to reveal her grey nursing bra, slightly flabby belly and her baggy grey knickers. The other 3 ladies applauded her. “Can I do what I did last night as it made me feel much better about myself?” Victoria asked. “Yes get them out and your bucket too Tits” Maura responded. “We’ll get naked too, come on Holl and Slutty. Get them off” she added.

Maura slipped out of her swimsuit to reveal her pert breasts and cleanly shaven muff. Holly removed her bra and thong to reveal her slightly larger breasts and again a clean shaven muff. Laughing Sally slipped off her bra to reveal her larger bouncy breasts and her new freshly shaven vagina. “Wow you have got great breasts Holl and Sal” Victoria complimented them. “Wait until you see Tits’ pair” Maura joked. Victoria undid her nursing bra and her lactating breasts bounced free. She then dropped her knickers to show her regrowing muff and slightly sagging vagina. “Do what you did last night Tits and I forgot to say that is one hell of a bucket” Maura quipped. All the ladies burst out laughing at Maura’s total lack of tact. “How is your arse today?” Sally asked Holly joking after Holly admitted being naughty yesterday. “It’s recovering” Holly joked. “You really need a Big Cock Slutty Bundock” Maura came out with. Sally literally screamed with laughter and shook her head.

Victoria then pushed her boobs up and they expressed milk into her face and everyone began to laugh. Victoria did it again to much laughter. “You women are so funny” she said. “So are you Tits” replied Maura. “Right what is our dare for tomorrow. I think it’s your choice Maura?” Holly said nervously. “Go commando” Maura responded. “But we are both presenting tomorrow” Sally replied laughing. “We’ll have to wear tight fitted dresses I guess” Holly added laughing. “No trousers either” Victoria chipped in. “You girls are such fun, I love being around you and I never knew Sal could be such a slut either” she added laughing. “Neither did Slutty until I livened her up” Maura added. “You embarrass me, got me gunged in a bikini, wearing Ann Summers, shaving my muff, into thongs, now going commando, I’ve been seen virtually naked by my eldest and his mates. You’ve convinced me to go on Totty in a bikini. I’m going to be on a Calendar Girls type calendar flashing my bum. I’m a pin up to adolescent boys and I’m known as Slutty. But you have bought so much fun back into my life so thank you Maura” said Sally getting a bit emotional.

“Oh that’s lovely Sal, to know and be respected by someone as inspirational and such a slut as you really means a lot to me” Maura responded. “Yes Maura has been like a hurricane around me too but she has improved my love life and made me feel as sexy as I should do” Holly admitted. “Here have a laugh at this Vick” she added and sent Victoria the clip of her and Maura having messy fun in Maura’s Outhouse Shower. Victoria howled with laughter at the sight of Holly Irish Dancing covered in gunge and Maura falling face first into Holly’s fanny. “That is the best laugh I’ve had in ages” she admitted.

“Do you all fancy doing something naughty?” Sally suggested. “Yes let’s” Holly replied. “Okay have you all got a cake in the house then run and get it” Maura said. Victoria ran off to find a cake and Maura suggested something to the others and they all laughed before going off to find there cakes. Victoria returned with her cake and then burst out laughing when the other 3 ladies reappeared one by one. “I’m Tits, I’ve got milky tits and a big bucket” said Maura throwing a glass of milk in her face and holding a bucket in front of her vagina. Holly then came back on screen and said “I’m Fritz Tits and I’ve got a saggy bucket”. She emptied a pink of cold milk down her face over her pert breasts and let it run sexily down her body into the bucket she was holding. Finally Sally reemerged and said. “I’m Victoria Fritz I’ve got huge milky tits and a hairy sagging post baby bucket” she emptied a litre of cold milk over her head and shuddered with the cold as it ran over the big bouncy breasts, little belly and into her bucket.

Victoria pushed her boobs up and they expressed into her face. She laughed as she said “I’m Victoria “Tits” Fritz and I’ve got the biggest legitimate bucket” She let more milk go into her face then rubbed it into her boobs and tickled her vagina. “Right has everyone got their cakes” Maura asked holding hers up and brushing the cream against her right nipple. “I’ve only got a carrot cake” said Holly holding up a carrot cake with a big carrot she had just stuck on the top. “She definitely knows we are doing cake sitting” Maura said as everyone laughed. “I’m not putting that up my bum” Holly joked. “That carrot would be tight up Vick’s bucket” Sally quipped. “You’d know I bet you had lots of big cocks up you in your youth Slutty Sal” Victoria replied as all the girls laughed. “I’m crying with laughter” Victoria said wiping her eyes.

“Okay as Holly guessed we are going to do cake sitting. Not shitting as Holly thought when we first tried it” Maura teased. “We’ve never done this before” Holly shrieked laughing. “Okay we all place our cakes on our seats then we sit on them one by one. Who fancies going first?” Maura asked. “I’ll do it” Holly said. She stood over her carrot cake, removing the carrott and then sat her bum down onto it. She sexily wigged about in it and then picked up clumps of the cake and steamily rubbed it into her boobs. “Beat that” she said as the others cheered. “Watch this” said Maura and sexily wiggled her bum into her cream cake. She fingered some inside her then took handfuls of cake, licked some off her fingers and rubbed the rest into her boobs and face as the other 3 girls hollered and whistled. “If anyone can do it even sexier then it has to be me as I’m the biggest slut out of any of us” said Sally. “If anyone had told me I’d be doing this even a few days ago I’d have never believed it” she added She positioned a large chocolate cake on her chair, Opened her butt cheeks and shimmied down onto the cake. Then cake back up and plonked back down onto the cake. She took handfuls of cake and rubbed them into her hair, face, boobs and belly button. Before finally emptying the milk from her bucket over her head and letting it run down her body. The other girls chanted “Slutty, Slutty!”. “If any of my lads walk in. I’ll die” Sally giggled. “Okay we have saved the best to last. This is going to go right up my bucket. But just **** it” said Victoria. She positioned a big cream sponge on her seat opened her lips and smashed down onto her cake. It made a squelching noise as she began almost riding her chair. She pushed her boobs together and lactated more milk out of them before picking up handfuls of cake and rubbing it between and into her boobs. Into her face and sexily fingering it inside of her as the other girls cheered and shouted “Tits”.

“I think the MILFS beat us at that Hol?” Maura admitted. “I agree. Sal you are such a slut and Bucket you are a natural. Btw your husband will be home soon” Holly replied laughing “Oh ****” shouted Victoria as she started to clear up and realised she needed to get cleaned up before she could put her knickers back on. Just then her baby began to cry. “I’ve got to go. Speak to you all tomorrow. Tonight has been a scream” Victoria said and signed off. “Again we doubted you Maura but you proved us wrong again” Sally admitted. “Yes I just know you’ve got something fun planned for Vick’s birthday tomorrow” Holly suggested. “I’ve got Slutty’s cake sitting video to send to all of Big’s mates actually” Maura joked and sent it to Sally and Holly. “You better not, but I know you wouldn’t do that. There are bound to be some indirect references in front of Big knowing what you are like Maura” Sally said laughing. “******* hell I am a sexy slut” she added watching her cake sitting video back. “I just know that somehow Vick will end up getting messy on her birthday” Holly said. “Why would you think that?” Maura asked laughing. “We know you too well” Sally said as they signed off laughing.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

The crowd applauded as Holly welcomed viewers back “Folks, you have been voting over what is more popular, weather or sports, lets see how that is going.”

The poll appeared on screen, and percentages were tallied. The result showed:

Sports: 62%

Weather: 38%

The crowd applauded “Wow, Im sure the weathergirls Laura and Lucy are a little bit nervous, cause right now theyre in line for a gunging. I dont think they brought a change of clothes, oh dear. Well, keep voting, you can vote as much as you like, and we’ll see who it gets. And I feel bad for whoever loses, and gets all that gunge in their hair and on their clothes.” Holly seemed pondorous for a moment “Im just a little bit worried, its been a while since the Trip Around the Great House has been used. I just wish there was someway we could test it, ya know to make sure it works. If only-”

Holly was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. “Oh, surprise guest!” she muttered. She opened the door to find…

The crowd cheered and applauded. Holly spoke up “Wow, Aisling Bea, welcome! What brings you by the House Party?” Aisling responded “Well, I was in the area, thought I might stop by.” “Wonderful” Holly answered “Its always great to have surprises, and-” Holly appeared thoughtful again before speaking “Actually, you can help me.” Aisling nodded before Holly spoke again “Quick follow me!”

Holly led Aisling to another door, that when opened, revealed the car for the Trip Around the Great House. Aisling feigned confusion while Holly continued “So I need you to take a seat, and stay in the vehicle.” Aisling nodded in understanding.

Aisling sat, and soon the car moved forward. It went through an opening, when suddenly light blue and light green gunged flew downward, soaking Aisling thorughly. Despite the gunge coating her face, hair, and body. Aisling tried not to react, instead appearing thoughtful as the car went forward.

The car proceeded to go forward towards the fireplace, but not before getting blasted with thick white foam from above, leaving Aisling a shapely white mass.

The car stopped in the fireplace while the crowd applauded. Holly inquired “Aisling darling, would you say that everything is working as it should.” The gunge and foam-covered Aisling paused before responding with “I would say it does.” The crowd laughed while Holly finished “Remember folks, keep on voting over who is more popular, whoever is less popular is gonna end up like poor Aisling here…”

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.This story will contain scenes of nudity and/or a sexual nature. 

Victoria’ Fritz’s husband had got home late on Wednesday night and was surprised to see her in a rather disheveled state but appearing to be quite perky. She insisted she’d wash her hair the next day and still wore the same clothes as the previous couple of days as Maura had instructed her. The start to her birthday was uneventful, she fed her baby whilst her husband entertained their 3 year old. She took a number of Skype calls from her friends and opened all her presents bar one from Maura. Eventually she got her husband to take the children out for a couple of hours and Video Called Maura.

“Hiya Tits. Happy birthday” Maura said. “Hi Maura” Victoria replied laughing. “Open the present if you want?” Maura suggested. Victoria opened it and saw a load of very sexy Ann Summers stuff. “This is my birthday gift for you and for you to have some fun with your husband this afternoon” Maura said. Victoria looked through the very sexy underwear and said “Wow but can I pull it off” “Your husband will be pulling it off you when he sees you in it” Maura assured her. “But I’m so messy” Victoria responded. “Not as messy as you are going to get Tits” Maura giggled. “What have you got planned?” Victoria asked laughing. “I’m going to get you in a fun mood. Look into your back garden?” Maura replied.

Victoria looked out into her large back garden and saw BBC colleague Sally Bundock’s oldest son known as Big and several of his mates stood there with a load of buckets and tins of gunge or food substances. “How did they get in Maura?” she demanded. “Your husband let them in. They are going to help do some gardening for you as he is looking after the children today and it is your birthday Tits” Maura replied. “How did you contact him, you don’t even know my husband’s name?” Victoria said. “Well Big does, I told him to call your hubby and offer to help with the garden as with him working away for a few days things need doing. Your hubby leapt at the chance” Maura responded.

“What are they really here for?” Victoria said laughing. “Gardening and a lot of clearing up mess” Maura responded. “There isn’t really a lot of mess” Victoria countered. “There will be when we have finished with you” Maura replied laughing. “Okay what do I have to do?” Victoria asked. “Strip down to your vest top and knickers, go outside, sit down and scream as loud as you like” Maura said. “Okay but I don’t like being in my undies in front of a load of horny 15 year olds” Victoria replied giggling. “Big has the hots for me and the rest fancy Sally. Just keep everything in Tits and you’ll be okay. Plus they are socially distancing. So you should be okay to relax the bucket as none should fall in” Maura concluded.

Victoria stripped off her dress and walked outside in her baby puke and food covered vest and knickers. The lads playfully whistled her and she waved at them and blew them a kiss before sitting down on the chair they had set down. “Looking good Vick” Big complimented her. “Cheers Big, I hope that you and your mates will go easy on me or post Lockdown I’ll come and chase after you all” Victoria joked. “We’d like that Victoria” one said. “Stay there for a bit. Vick and lads I’ll be back to you in a minute” Maura said.

Victoria’s fellow BBC Presenters Sally and Holly Hamilton then joined the call at the time Maura had instructed them. Both were home from their early morning stints on TV. “Heya Slutty and Fishy Fanny. Did you both do your dare this morning and go commando and feel the breeze up your fannies” Maura joked with her friends. “Of course and we still are” Holly said waving her thong at the camera. “And Me too” Sally adding holding hers in her teeth. “So am I” said Maura. Moving her camera to show she was wearing a very short skirt. They heard a cheer in the background “What have you done Maura?” Sally asked laughing. “It’s just some lads with Vick” Maura replied as Vick was linked into Sally and Holly.

The screen showed Sally’s son and his mates waving from Victoria’s back garden. They started whistling Sally and Holly as Sally’s son went rather embarrassed. “Wow you went commando Sally, You are so naughty Mrs Bundock and Can you send me a thong please Sally” were amongst the comments directed towards Sally. Holly was laughing and wiggled her bum to the screen to much cheering from the lads. “Do the same Sal” Maura challenged Sally. Laughing Sally did so and blew the lads a kiss. “I like to please my fans” she joked. “Touch your toes then Sally” one lad shouted. Everyone roared with laughter but Sally’s son was very embarrassed. “Don’t worry Big I’ll do a private sexy wiggle for you later on and I’ll touch my toes. I can bend down really low and this skirt is really short” Maura said to make Big’s mates jealous of him.

“Where is Vick?” asked Sally. “I’m here” shouted Victoria and she came into view sat on the chair in her vest and knickers. “I knew you were going to do this to her” Holly screamed laughing. “No wonder you told her to stay messy” Sally said to Maura. “I’m not that messy yet but I’m sure I will be” Victoria added laughing. “I’m going to drive down and help gunge Vick as she threw stuff over me on Sunday” Sally said smiling and signed off. The lads cheered as Sally had become a sexy symbol for them since she had embraced her naughty side. “Remember Social Distancing Lads, so no snogging Sally or pinching her bum” Maura joked to the lads. “Plus she is Big’s mum, so any misbehaving and we’ll stop all this fun” Maura added. “That doesn’t include throwing a few things at her does it?” Big asked laughing. “I’d be awfully disappointed if you didn’t and I’d have to put my thong back on” Holly added in a little girl voice.

“Right Vick oh forget it I’m just going to call you Tits” Maura said as the lads cheered and Victoria hid her head in her hand in embarrassment. “Okay Tits as you are 36 today. We are going to throw 36 buckets,tins or cartons of stuff to throw over you. “36 !. Good job I’m not as old as Sally” Victoria said sighing. “Okay first 3 lads please pick up a bucket of green slime and throw them at Tits. Aim for her head not her actual tits” Maura instruced. The lads picked up a bucket each and stood about 6ft away from Victoria who was screaming, laughing and stamping her feet. They launched the gunge at Victoria’s face and it hit her taking her breath away and plastering her hair to the side of her face. “It has gone down my tits and it is so cold” Victoria screamed laughing. “That’s not cold, lets have something that really is cold” Holly suggested. “I hate you Holly Hamilton” Victoria screamed.

“Next 3 lads including you Big” Maura said. The lads picked up a bucket each and launched a bucket of lumpy porridge each at Victoria. They hit her smack in the face and on her body and it slowly ran down her vest top both inside and out. She was now a grey sodden mess but seemed to be enjoying it. Just then Sally arrived and she walked in and hugged Big. “Hiya boys” Sally said and waved to his smitten friends. “Stop embarrassing me mum” he pleaded. “Did you know he wrote his first ever Love Letter to Vick when he was 9 and I had to take it to work and hand it to her” Sally said further embarrassing her son. “Yes and I wrote him a letter back to say it was lovely but I was already engaged” Victoria replied ringing the porridge out of her vest top. “But I heard that Sal has had about a dozen love letters pushed through her letterbox this week. So you lads are doing at 15 what Big did at 9” Maura jumped in to cheer Big up. “Three of those letters were for me apparently” Holly chipped in.

“Okay I think we need something else lumpy, lets darken the mood” Sally said as she and a couple of eager lads each picked up a bucket of cold lumpy gravy and threw it at Victoria. The thick dark liquid turned her into a brown dripping mess, her hair totally destroyed. Her vest see through and her knickers a very sodden dark colour. “I’m taking this off ” Victoria said and pulled her vest top over her head to cheers from the lads. Her grey nursing bra was now stained but not sheer yet. There was gunge and food stuff on her stomach and belly. “Let’s have the red gunge now. Next 3 lads please” Maura ordered. Three buckets of red gunge were picked up and thrown directly at Victoria. She closed her eyes as it hit her and also the impact directly on her belly made her laugh. “Did you guys get any baked beans?” Holly asked. “Of course Holl” Big replied “Well give Vick 6 buckets of it in one go” Holly said laughing. “I really ****** hate you Holl” Victoria screamed. Sally and 5 lads each picked up a bucket of baked beans and formed a circle around Victoria and bombarded her with baked beans from all angles.

She screamed and stamped her feet but was loving it. Everyone stood back to admire their work as Victoria sat there in a pool of baked beans coughing a couple out of her mouth. She looked down and noticed her nursing bra had come undone at the front and one bean covered nipple was showing. “Vick your boobs” Big shouted to her. “Yes I know they are good” Victoria joked back and then looked down and pushed her boob back in but milk lactated into her eyes. “Give me a second please” she pleaded as the lads laughed and whistled egged on by Sally. Victoria turned around to cover her modesty but as she stood up her gunge covered knickers were falling down her bum displaying the top of her bum crack. Big went to say something put Sally put her finger to her mouth. Picked up another bucket of baked beans and threw them at Victoria’s bum. The weight of the beans made her knickers fall right down exposing her big bare bum. She shot around laughing pulling them back up. “Sally Bundock, that was cruel. I’ll ****** get you back” she screamed and advanced towards Sally. “Social Distancing and it is my choice now. So sit back down Vick” Sally ordered her.

Victoria sat back down and yelled “I’ve got beans up my bum”. “Good I really love beans. Let’s have the last 5 buckets” Sally replied. “That’s not fair” Victoria screamed as 5 lads each picked up a bucket of beans and advanced towards her. “You heard what Mom said, She loves beans” Big shouted and the 5 lads turned towards Sally and rained the beans on her. She stood there laughing as the beans it her face and hair and ran down her tight fitted dress. “That’s payback Mom” Big said. “Sorry Sally but we’ll always do what you ask. I hope you liked it Mrs Bundock. We love seeing you cover in beans Sal” were among the comments from the lads. “I did have that coming, But I may have to slip out of this dress now. Oh I haven’t put my thong back on either” Sally teased her son who went bright red. “I’m only joking son” she added and gave him a big hug.

“Right it’s back to me. Lets have 3 buckets of Ham and Pea soup over Vick sorry I mean Tits” Maura announced. Three lads picked up a bucket and threw the green mush at Victoria. A huge lump went right in her face and she had to spit it out. She gave her hair a fun shampoo and said ” My hair needed washing”. “Right I’ve been nice so far but lets give Vick 6 buckets of gunge both red and green” Holly said. “I can take it just like you Holl but not in the same place” Victoria challenged her. “Give it to her lads” Holly shouted as the 6 lads surrounded Victoria in a circle and deluged her with the colored gunge. “Kimberley Wyatt eat your heart out” Victoria shouted.

Just then Victoria’s husband walked into the garden laughing and clapping. “This has been the funniest birthday present she has ever had” he said. “The children are both tired and having a sleep” he added. “Okay Victoria really likes Hungarian Goulash so lets finish with 3 buckets of that” Sally said. She picked up one and two lads the others and they threw the lumpy meat gravy very hard at Victoria. “This is off” she shouted. “Yes the local homeless shelter had it left over last night so I arranged for it to be sent down” Victoria’s husband admitted. He picked up the garden hose and turned it onto Victoria washing some of the mush off her as she held onto her bra and knickers. “Right £2 a go hosing my gorgeous wife down and a tenner to you Sally. All money to the local homeless shelter” he announced. Each lad had a go hosing Victoria down as she sputtered under the cold water and sat there like a drowned rat with the gunge running off her. “It’s so cold” she stuttered as it finally came to Sally’s turn. “No this is cold” replied Sally as Victoria’s husband walked over carrying two buckets of ice water. He took one and Sally the other and they threw it at a screaming Victoria who barely stayed in her bra and pants.

Her husband swept her up in his arms and carried her lovingly into the house. Her boobs had become partly exposed and one was expressing milk but she didn’t care as everyone cheered. “Right £1 a go to hose me down” Sally said laughing. “You asked for it mum” Big shouted and started chasing her with the hose. Suddenly Sally stopped and stood against a hedge as each lad had a fun go hosing her off. “Remember to clear up for Tits and Big give me that call tonight” Maura said sexily signing off. “Bye lads” shouted Holly blowing them a kiss and waving her thong at the screen.

That night Maura, Sally and Holly met up for their usual Skype chat. “Tits really seemed to enjoy that. I knew she would. Get her as messy as possible, hose her down. Her husband sweeps her up. Carries her inside. They have a sexy warm shower together whilst the children sleep. Tits slips into her Ann Summers stuff and off they go” Maura said. “You’ve done it again” Sally added. “Never in doubt Slutty” Maura replied. “Why did you stop running around the garden with the lads Sal?” Holly asked. “I’d split my dress and I couldn’t show my bum to Big’s friends. He’d have never forgiven me” Sally responded laughing. “The church calendar idea they’ll see it on that” Holly suggested. “He is okay with that as we discussed it and that will be in print not in person” Sally suggested. “Hadn’t you put your thong back on Slutty?” Maura asked. “No I’d forgotten” Sally admitted as they all laughed. “So have I” added Holly lifting her skirt to flash her clean shaven muff.

Just then Victoria joined the call. She looked stunning in her Ann Summers gear.

“Wow Tits you look so beautiful” Maura complimented her. “Yes, I do look pretty good. My husband loves me in it. We had the best sex since our Wedding Night and this is the sexiest I’ve felt since then” Victoria said smiling. “I don’t know how you did it but your crazy gunging ideas always seem to work out” Holly added. “Who shall we get next?” Sally said laughing “Nina Warhurst. She’s a good laugh and a Milf like me and Slutty” Victoria suggested. “Yes, she’d be a great one to surprise” Sally replied. “I want to get Sally Nugent and Natalie Pirks” Holly added. “Is Natalie the blonde with a face like a slapped arse” Maura joked. “You are so rude but so funny” Sally responded. “You were such a tease to Big today so you can talk” Holly said. “Well he knew Maura was going to give him a little treat tonight. So he was cool about it” Sally said laughing. “I certainly did Slutty, I bent down really low and my skirt rode up. His eyes nearly popped out especially when I realised I’d done what you did Slutty and forgotten to put my thong back on” Maura concluded smiling. “Maura!” Sally screamed as all the girls laughed and Sally wondered whether Maura was joking or not but decided not to worry.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

Holly Willoughby greeted the audience “Welcome back to the House Party. Its time for the conclusion of our gunge vote!”

Laura Tobin and Lucy Verasamy entered

Followed by Natalie Sawyer and Anna Woolhouse

Ladies, tonight youve been involved in a bit of a popularity contest. The loser of this contest will be completely covered in gunge, are you ready to hear the results?” All four ladies nodded yes.

Laura and Lucy hung their heads, while Natalie and Anna celebrated. “Well, well, well” began Holly “It looks like sports wins out. Congratulations to Natalie and Anna, Laura and Lucy, come with me.” The opponents shook hands, and Holly brought Laura and Lucy up the stairs and into the car that awaited them. Holly continued “Ladies, as voted by the public, you will now go on a trip. How are you feeling?” Laura responded first “Nervous” while Lucy answered “A little excited actually. It looks… different.” Holly finished “Well no matter how you feel, theres nothing left to say except: goodbye!” With that, the car lurched forward onto its track.

The car made its way through the tunnel while Laura and Lucy looked around, waiting for the gunge to arrive. Holly exclaimed “Looks like theres some precipitation coming in!” With this, buckets of thick blue gunge came down all over the heads of Laura and Lucy. Their hair was covered, and it began to drip down their faces and down their backs. The ladies cringed, as they were unfamiliar with the feeling of thick, wet, and sticky gunge in their hair on their skin and clothes.

Holly exclaimed again, “And here comes a slimy front!” With this, two buckets-full of thick blue gunge were launched at Laura and Lucy. This soaked the duo’s faces and frontal bodies.

The car went through an opening, where the camera and crowd got a clear eyeful of the gunge-covered Laura and Lucy. As it did, more buckets of blue-green gunge spilled downward all over Laura and Lucy. “Its raining buckets!” yelled Holly. The weather duo slicked back their hair and appeared taken aback, but somewhat amused, at the gunge bath. The two were thoroughly soaked in layers of gunge. Natalie and Anna laughed heartily at the predicament of their adversaries.

The car moved forward as Holly called out “We got a little bit of snow coming in!” Jets of foam shot down from above, completely covering Laura and Lucy in the thick white sludge. The cart stopped in the famous fireplace, where the audience got a good look at the gunge and foam-covered Laura and Lucy, who were gingerly wiping away the foam from their eyes.

Holly spoke up, and was seen holding a soccer ball near a large soccer net next to the fireplace. “Natalie, quick try to get this in the net!” She placed the ball in front of Natalie, who kicked square in the net. This triggered the alarm to sound, and purple gunge to rain all over Laura and Lucy, giving the two ladies one last coat of mess. Laura and Lucy were seen chuckling, at least in a defeated way, at their situation.

Holly stood next to the victorious Natalie and Anna. “Ladies, you won today, you must be proud, and happy that youre not covered in gunge.” Everyone laughed, including Laura and Lucy, who the camera caught one last time as they tried to clean off the mess.

“And that was the House Party! Join us next week for another week of fun, games, and gunge!”

Note from the Network: Next week, a classic game returns for the first time in over 20 years! Singer Pixie Lott stops by, Dianne Buswell simply dances her way to Crinkley Bottom, and Arielle Free is in town.

The best gunging of the 2000’s, based on your voting is…

Myleene Klass!

Myleene had 71 votes to Kimberly’s 26.

So, ive decided to put a pull up to see what is the best gunging of the decade…

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

(This story contains a very small element of male WAM at the end)

Clocks around the country struck 9pm, which meant only one thing – the next edition of the Alternative Euro 2020. The familiar slender figure of Rachel Riley sashays into view, sporting a cute pink minidress with high heel shoes. “Welcome again to the latest show of the Alternative Euro 2020 and excitement is high as we will find out the results of the semi-final and our university students have a new lady to ‘play’ with. There will be some consolation prizes for the losing semi finalists, a preview of the final, and maybe a little bit of a surprise for our 5 students.”

The camera panned to the same 5 male university students who had appeared on previous shows, and proceeded to give the blonde host, a few perplexing looks.

Rachel just grinned and sarcastically said “I’m sure they will like their surprise! Haha! Anyway, let’s crack on and reveal the result from the first of the semi-finals. This was between the lovely Anna Woolhouse against the delectable Natalie Pinkham, and here they both are now….”

Onto the stage enters Anna and Natalie, both attired in the now customary Alternative Euro 2020 sexy football outfits of tight white t-shirts (several sizes too small) white bikini briefs with ties at the side and white high heel shoes. They stand nervously either side of Rachel.

“I can reveal that there were a total of 68 votes, with one lady attracting 64% compared to 36% for the other. The winner and proceeding through to the final is……Anna!”

With a half-hearted fist pump, Anna takes in the applause from the audience. After congratulating the winner, Rachel asked Anna to go and get changed and to re-join her later in the show for the preview of the Final. The boxing presenter seemed pleased to get off the stage as quick as possible, and jogged to the side.

No sooner had Anna exited, Natalie was surrounded by the 5 male university students who were holding 2 large creamy custard pies each. With a knowing look, the brunette stepped back slightly but it was not enough to avoid the splattering of pies on her face and body that followed. Now wearing the remnants of 10 custard pies, Natalie wiped her eyes clean and slicked back her custardy hair away from her face. She soon felt a gloopy substance pour over her head, and as she looked upwards, she saw a cheeky student upending a bucket of thick green gunge over her.

Rachel quipped “Hope you enjoyed your consolation prize Natalie. There is one final part though….”

Natalie P: “Yes, and what’s that….”

The F1 presenter was suddenly picked up by the students, and they slowly carried her over to a large tank at the back of the studio. A protesting Natalie pleaded for the guys to put her down. When they reached the tank, they agreed to her request and she was unceremoniously thrown in which caused a mighty splash as Natalie delved beneath the murky brown surface. The camera focused on the surface waiting for the brunette to re-appear, which she did spluttering and gasping.

Natlalie P: “Yuck, have I just been dunked in gravy?”

Rachel: “Yes you have Natalie, and I have to say brown really suits you!”

Natalie P: “Disgusting!”

Rachel turned to the camera and announced that the second semi-finalists would now be joining her on stage. From the left came Natalie  Sawyer and Jo Wilson in the same sexy white football strips.

”Hello ladies. In a bit of a strange coincidence, we had exactly the same number of votes as for the first semi-final with 68 votes received. I can announce that with 43 votes, the winner of the match and making it to the final is……… Natalie!”

A chorus of cheers bellowed out from the audience as the busty presenter clenched her fist in triumph. Rachel asked her to depart and join her and Anna later on in the show. As Natalie walked off, the blonde Jo put her hands to her face as she anticipated what was about to happen. The 5 students had surrounded her and subjected her to a ‘Tiswas-style’ custard pieing, before a bucket of green gunge was poured over her. Jo was then picked up and carried to the gravy tank and duly thrown in, to join the other losing semi-finalist who was still languishing in the tank. A squealing Jo hit the surface and went under. Natalie P helped her sports presenter colleague retain her balance, so that both of them were left standing in the tank with the gravy level at their waists, and with gravy dripping off every part of their upper bodies. It was now impossible to tell that Jo was in fact blonde, with the gravy matting here long hair.

With the duo wallowing in the gravy tank, the camera panned to another part of the studio where Rachel had walked to. Behind her was a large object covered in a drape.

”You will recall we had a viewer competition in our last show. We asked you at home to predict the finalists and the number of votes that Jo would receive. Quite a few of you correctly predicted an Anna v Natalie S final, and one of those entries also correctly predicted Jo’s votes. The number of votes she received was 25 which means the winning viewers chosen lady gets to appear on the show tonight, and as if by magic, here she is behind me…..”

With a sharp tug of the drape, Rachel pulled it away to reveal a wooden pillory with a lady inside. She was bent slightly at an angle so her head and hands could be positioned in the 3 enclosed holes at the front of the pillory. With the top already brought down, the lady was secured in place. It was at that point, the lady moved her head upwards to directly face the camera. Applause from the audience followed as it was revealed to be Alternative Euro 2020 contestant Sarah-Jane Mee. She was wearing a brown velvet dress and high heel shoes. The ginger haired lady smiled weakly as Rachel looked down on her.

“Hi there Sarah-Jane. Fancy seeing you here again!”

”Hmm, I thought I was done with this competition, but alas no!”

”Haha! What do you have to say to the winning viewer who nominated you?”

Sarah-Jane looked directly into the camera and with a sarcastic tone spoke “Thank you so very much. Maybe I could repay the favour back to you sometime!”

Rachel: “He might actually like that! Anyway, you are the special guest on tonights Show for our university students, so enjoy because here they come now.”

With an uncomfortable shift of her body, the presenter watched as the five 19 to 21 year olds stood in front of her. She sighed as she considered the thought that she was about to be sploshed by guys that were half her age. How embarrassing, she thought.

A jug of double cream was dangled in front of her face as one of the students asked her where she wanted it.

”Errr, not on me please!”

”Wrong answer!” and the jug was slowly poured over her ginger wavy locks. The presenter gasped as the cream streamed down her face and dripped from her chin.”

The next jug was filled with strawberry sauce and the sticky stuff was also poured over her head.  The final jug consisting of chocolate sauce quickly enveloped her head and added to her already messy state. Her long hair was completely slathered in the sweet stuff.

”We’ll come back to Sarah-Jane a little later on as we need to move swiftly on to the preview of the Final of our little competition so let’s welcome on stage again, Anna Woolhouse and Natalie Sawyer.

Both ladies had gladly changed out of their sexy football strips and were now wearing smart skirt, top and tights outfits.

“Anna is our first finalist. At 36 years old, she is a little younger than her opponent. Coming top in Group A, she advanced to the Round of 16 and had a decisive victory against Jules Breach. Bianca Westwood was easily disposed of in the Quarter-Finals and as we have found out tonight, a victory against Natalie P in the semi-finals is leaving her on the cusp of Alternative Euro 2020 glory. Can Anna defeat another Natalie and become our winner?

“Natalie is our second finalist and is a little older at 40 years old. In the group stages, she easily topped her group, before beating Emma Paton in the Round of 16. She successfully navigated a particularly difficult looking quarter-final against Kirsty Gallacher, before getting the better of Jo Wilson in the semi-final. Will Natalie price more popular than Anna and win?”

Rachel turned to the camera “The online vote is now open. Polls will close Monday at 6pm (BST).”

“There will be another viewer competition for you to join in at home. All you have to do is pick which lady you think will win and the % of the vote you think they will attract, and also nominate a lady celebrity of your choosing. The viewer who correctly predicts the winner and is nearest to the actual % will see their nominated lady join us in the studio for some messy fun on our special Finals episode.”

Rachel, Anna and Natalie begin to walk over to the pillory, where the 5 students have been pouring even more sweet and sticky stuff over poor Sarah-Jane. Her hair and face was now covered in multiple layers of slosh and the lads had started to pour stuff over her back, and down her legs. As the trio reached the pillory, one of the students positioned a jug of custard into the back of her dress and poured it inside. This made Sarah-Jane yelp as the custard flowed and was cold against her skin.

Rachel: “It seems you are having lots of fun! Haha!”

Sarah-Jane: “Could we swap places?”

Rachel shakes her head “No, no, no. My place is out here. Your place is in the pillory for the rest of the show.”

Turning to Anna and Natalie, Rachel gives them a challenge “Ladies, how do you fancy pieing your presenter colleague”

Before they could answer, the students took hold of the pillory and turned it round so that instead of Sarah-Jane’s face and front being the view for the camera, it was now her sexy dress-clad bottom and backs of her long legs.

With Sarah-Jane wondering what was about to happen, Anna and Natalie smiled as they picked up a custard pie each and smacked them both against her bottom which caused the helpless presenter to squeal. Anna decided to be a bit naughty and hitched Sarah-Jane’s dress up so that it became bunched around her waist, and revealed her white knickers to the audience and the viewing public.

Natalie turned to Anna “Shall we?”

Anna: “Definitely. We are probably going to get it a lot worse in the final, so we may as well enjoy it while we can”

The duo sported evil looking grins as they poured custard into the back of the knickers which caused Sarah-Jane to gasp. Then, with each of them gripping onto a side of her knickers, they sharply pulled the garment upwards. Sarah-Jane squealed and could not believe she was being wedgied on national TV. She flailed her legs around as the wedgie continued and it gave her a strange sensation as she felt the cold custard on her most sensitive areas.

After a few more seconds, the finalists relented and let the knickers fall back into position, before slapping 2 more custard pies on her bottom.

Rachel: “Wow! A good pie spanking for Sarah-Jane there, with an added bonus of a custard wedgie. Rather you than me!”

Rachel: “That’s about it for this episode, so see you soon for our Finals show….”

As the credits began to roll, Anna and Natalie picked up a custard pie each and quickly slapped them into two of the students faces that were nearest to them. The ladies giggled as they contemplated pieing the other 3 students, but then realised that they would be outnumbered, so they decided to quickly run off before the students could properly react.

The screen emerged showing six windows of celebrities sat inside their homes each looking slightly nervous. One by one a green tick popped up on the screen in front of each one. As it did, they each pulled a face or gave a thumbs down in disappointment that they had been identified and would now be getting messy.

There was no host for this show, so a narrator now came on to announce who would be the three celebrities to get messy in part one. Once again the six contenders had no idea who it was going to be.

The narrator began, “the first celebrity to be completing their challenge in part one will be…Victoria Pendleton”.

Victoria, who was wearing a cycling kit, frowned, and one by one the other five celebrities disappeared from view, eventually leaving the Olympic medalist full screen.

“Hi guys, it’s Victoria here, well done for identifying me on Its a Messtery. Today I’ll be having a messy shower having just completed my latest cycle ride. I’ve got some custard and some chocolate sauce, so let’s go”.

Victoria climbed into her bath and sat down. She made sure that she was still visible on camera, and then picked up the first of five cartons of custard placed on the side of the bath. She was rather good at this, almost as if she had done if before, and slowly and sensually poured the custard over her own head. Her gorgeous long hair was immediately coated in the cold, thick, slimy custard.

She seemed to enjoy it and quickly moved on to the second carton, and then the third. She was already very messy, but seemed to enjoy it more and more as the amount of custard that covered her increased.

She took the final two cartons simultaneously and tilted them perfectly to give herself a final double custard shower. She almost looked professional at this, and ensured she gave herself maximum coverage.

She turned to camera and licked her lips, “mmmm, I love custard”, she said, quite seductively, “but I love chocolate even more”.

With that remark, seemingly out of nowhere, a huge amount of thick dark chocolate began to rain down on her head. She tilted her head back slightly and allowed it to run down her face, letting out more noises of enjoyment as she did.

Eventually the flow of chocolate stopped, and Victoria was left sat in the bath covered in mess. Slowly, she stood up, and walked to the other end of the bath, she then turned the shower on, and started to clean herself off, at this point, the camera faded, and one by one again the remaining stars popped up on screen as they waited to find out who was next.

The narrator spoke, “our second celebrity today is Alesha Dixon”.

Alesha smiled and got herself ready as one by one the other screens disappeared. She made her way out to the garden, and, wearing all black, with her hair tied back, took a seat on a plastic chair.

From either side of her, two people appeared, holding large cream pies, which they promptly splattered into either side of Alesha’s face, before walking off. Alesha then stood up, and held her arms out wide. From seemingly nowhere, a barrage of white and yellow cream and custard pies came flying towards her. Some missed of course, but most of the pies hit Alesha either in the face, or on her body, coating her once black outfit in layer upon layer of custard and cream.

The barrage seemed never ending, this had to be one of the greatest pieings of all time. She was completely covered. The onslaught continued for a few more seconds before eventually coming to a close. After the final pie hit her, Alesha dropped her arms and took a seat again. The two people that pied her originally walked back on with one large pie each. The first was smashed square in her face and the last one was placed perfectly on top of her head.

All that could be heard, was Alesha’s distinct and unique laugh as she recovered from the shock of the barrage.

“Wow!”, she said, “hope you all enjoyed my pie barrage, safe to say, it’s gonna take us a while to clean this up!”

Alesha stood up, and did a twirl for the camera before closing a kiss and the disappearing. The screen faded and within a few seconds, the four remaining, clean, celebrities aware on screen again, waiting to find out who would conclude part one.

The narrator’s voice returned, “now, there’s only one way to conclude a show on a Saturday, and that’s with a game of Question Slime, but who is going to eve playing today?”

A yellow light flashed around the remaining four video feeds before settling on The Next Step star, Shelby Bain, she loved playing Question Slime last time, and now, aged 18, was keen to bring the game to an adult fan base.

“Hey, it’s Shelby”, said the dancer, wearing a dance consume, “I’m her to play a special lockdown version of question slime”. She smiled at the camera and took her position in front of a board.

“I’m gonna be asked two questions, and if I get them both wrong, I get covered, not just in slime, but in baked beans too”. Shelby pulled a face, and the camera panned up to a bucket of baked beans which hung precariously above where Shelby was now sat.

“Ok, question 1”, said a voice behind the camera, “and remember, you have to get two correct to avoid the slime!”

Shelby nodded.

“What is the name of the show hosted by Joe Tasker and Harpz Kaur on CBBC each Saturday?”

“Saturday Mash Up!” Shelby responded enthusiastically.

“Correct”, her friend replied, “here’s question two, you ready?”

Shelby nodded again.

“How many baked beans are in the bucket above your head?”

“What?”, Shelby looked confused, “I don’t know, individual beans?”

“Yep”

“Oh, erm, I dunno, 3,500?”

“Well, Shelby, I can tell you, the answer is, 4,850…SUPER SLIME HER!”

Suddenly the large bucket of beans upturned and emptied the contents straight onto Shelby’s head. Before she had time to react, or recover, two large buckets of green slime were thrown at her, one from each side. Finally a last load of beans were chucked in her face.

Shelby was covered, but laughing, this was the most fun she had had since she last played Question Slime, she was really getting into this now and wanted more gunge, unfortunately for Shelby, there was no more today, but surely this would whet her appetite for more.

The camera faded and Shelby could still be heard laughing.

The narrator closed the show and invited viewers to tune back in tomorrow for three more gungings.

Sarah and Vicky waved to each other over through the screens of their chosen digital device, before they asked each other how they were coping with being stuck at home, Vicky mentioned she was doing okay thanks to her partner moving in ensuring they were trying to make the most of it together.

Sarah-Jane who was still working from home occasionally did say she was enjoying spending more time at home reading than she would have done under normal circumstances, however both women expressed their desire to return to normality, with Vicky keen to get back to hers sports reporting.

After this they then posted a link to the livestream on their twitter and Instagram pages so that the viewers could click on and watch and post comments along the way as the two women competed to see which one would be getting messy and which would be stay clean.

Vicky explained how they would be competing in three different challenges online and the first one was blackjack; they would play best of three to see who would win the first challenge.

As the guest challenging Vicky, Sarah-Jane got to go first and the viewers saw she had a King and and a Nine, she couldn’t help but smile at this start whereas Vicky only had a 3 and a 5 and so Sarah-Jane decided to stand.

Vicky had no choice but to hit and received a 7, the blonde presenter decided that 15 was unlikely to be higher than something Sarah-Jane stayed on from the start and so she hit once again, almost swearing out loud as her next card was a 10 ensuring she went bust and putting Sarah-Jane in the lead.

Sarah-Jane started to tease Vicky saying how she was looking forward to seeing the blonde getting trashed, suggesting that Vicky let her partner mess her up for all the times he had to stay up and taxi them back home when they went out for a ‘let your hair down night’.

This which led Vicky to scoff “I think we all know who ends up being the major liability on a night out…” leaving a slightly embarrassed Sarah-Jane suggesting they move onto the second blackjack round.

The next round didn’t go so well for Sarah-Jane after hitting on 13 she went bust thanks to a nine which left Vicky the winner with a 17, being scared to go bust for two in a row, and therefore levelling the scores at 1 apiece.

Sarah-Jane and Vicky had unbeknownst to them identical draws at the start of the deciding round, both ladies on and ace and 7, as a result of her cards Vicky decided to stick with her score very quickly, which led Sarah-Jane to presume that Vicky had a near perfect total and so she hit.

Sarah-Jane winced as a 5 came up which meant she missed out on getting 21 and was now only on 13 and needed to draw another card, she then got a 3 ensuring she was on 16 and was now in need of another low card to beat her starting number, unfortunately for the news presenter her next card was the queen.

Vicky celebrated as Sarah-Jane went bust again and her partner who had appeared in the background celebrated with her as she now led the challenges 1-0 putting a lot of pressure on Sarah-Jane to fight back in the second challenge in order to not make it a messy afternoon for her.

Vicky’s partner was then asked to select a piece of paper from a bowl, and he read out what the second challenge would be, ‘FIFA game’ was selected to both women’s amusement as they admitted neither of them were very good.

It was decided that in order to be fair both women would use the same team with Sarah-Jane selecting Manchester United and their red home kit leaving Vicky to pick the black shirts, neither bothered to change their formation or line-up just getting into the match straight away.

Whilst the comments had been fairly helpful and polite during the first challenge form the viewers, they weren’t so complimentary about their FIFA ability, constant misplaced passes and poor decision making led to an uneventful 0-0 at half time.

For the majority of the second half things continued along the same vain with Vicky’s partner leaving the room declaring their performance as “Too painful to watch” much to their amusement as both ladies had started to rely on the slide tackle as the only way to tackle.

This led to the only real highlight of the scrappy match when one Manchester United player fouled the opposing Manchester United player in the penalty box, Sarah-Jane flung her arms up in mock disgust as she called out the ref for being bribed, much to the chat’s amusement.

Vicky eventually managed to work out the controls and kicked the ball straight down the middle for her penalty, fortunately for her Sarah-Jane had mashed a load of keys and her keeper dived out of the way ensuring that Vicky took a 1-0 lead in the game.

After this she teased the more and more nervous and vocal Sarah-Jane by running the ball around in defence for the remainder of the match, before the full time whistle game and Vicky was able to celebrate whereas Sarah-Jane was left on camera putting her head in her hands, disappointed to have lost and now aware she would have to suffer the indignity of mixing up the gunge for her own forfeit.

As Sarah-Jane went off to prepare the gunge Vicky interacted with the chat, clearly now having  a good time she sent everyone a link of a recent TV appearance by Sarah-Jane on the ‘Alterative Euro 2020 whereby she had been nominated back onto the show after losing for a pillory trashing.

As Sarah-Jane returned to say she was almost ready, going a little red as she saw the comments streaming in saying things like ‘gunge her’ and gunge for the ginger’ Vicky asked if she wanted to know who had nominated her?

Much to Sarah-Jane’s surprise Vicky’s partner had nominated her and got the prediction correct something that Vicky had been aware of when he made the prediction and had found immensely funny when to both of their surprise, he had got it exactly correct it seems he had remembered the times they had been out drinking more than Sarah-Jane was able to.

After this the camera cut and when it reappeared Sarah-Jane was now standing in her large fancy walk in shower, she had two large buckets filled to the brim with red and yellow gunge and a jug to scoop the mess out of them.

Vicky and her partner could be heard loudly shouting for Sarah-Jane to gunge herself, as the ginger news presenter who stood on camera now fully showing off her skinny jeans and long sleeved top she carefully picked up the jug and scooped some mess, she turned to ask the chat where she should pour it and most of the people spammed her head in response.

Sarah-Jane winced as she lifted the jug and slowly poured the thick yellow gunge over herself, it dribbled down the front of her face as she moved to scoop up some more yellow gunge and poured it more over the back of her head and turned to show the gunge flowing down her back to the camera.

She noticed people were asking for the red gunge and so scooped some of that out and this time poured it down the front of her top, squealing as she did so she could feel the cold lumpy gunge flowing down the insides of her top and against her bra.

Sarah-Jane poured another couple of jugs worth of gunge over her head and then one inside her jeans causing her to jump around in the bathroom much to Vicky’s delight before she was finally able to lift up the red gunge and upturn the bucket all over her head.

The gunge quickly slopped out and crashed down onto Sarah-Jane’s face catching her by surprise as she hadn’t expect it to tip so quickly, this left her a completely red stained mess and she took a request from a viewer to try and sit in the yellow bucket of gunge, she gingerly lowered herself down and felt the cold gunge soaking through her jeans.

As she then went to stand up she lost her balance and as she fell she knocked the bucket over ensuring that it completely covered the front of her jeans, as Sarah-Jane regained her composure she was well aware of how ridiculous she looked and how much cleaning she was going to have to do in her bathroom.

Vicky asked Sarah-Jane to perform a twirl which the formerly ginger presenter did, showing off her new two tone look with red with streaks of orange gunge covering the top half of her body completely and yellow with orange bits covering the bottom half where the two colours had mixed together.

After this Sarah-Jane said goodbye to the viewers and Vicky thanked her for being a good sport.

“Now we have a special surprise for the second ‘Stay at Home Challenge’ with the German Bundesliga coming back we thought it would be a good idea to have a home version of CSWL, and this time I will be hosting as we have two volunteers to take part.

The match we have chosen is the Saturday evening game Frankfurt against Gladbach, and of course the usual forfeits will be done in a home version way for goals conceded and cards received, Vicky said enthusiastically.

Who are the two women we have convinced to join us?

Well representing Frankfurt we have a CSWL legend Kirsty Gallacher and her opponent will be Charlotte Jackson for Gladbach.

Join us after the match for the outcome of our messy at home challenges.

Remember you can still nominate a UK sports presenter to join in future challenges by commenting below, Olivia Wayne, Jo Wilson and Rachel Wyse are on the list currently.

Bonus, predict the FT score of Union Berlin V Bayern Munich (tomorrow) correctly if you wish Vicky to also face a forfeit.

Following the success of the first series and the recent votes to find the best gungings of the last two decades, the BOTD producers decided a second series was in order. This time it would be the winners of the two decade polls recently held online that would go head to head. Everything had been set up ready, Myleene Klass and Kimberly Wyatt had been booked, all the show needed now was a host.

The producers wanted someone different this time, Mollie had been too high maintenance, they had thought about Holly Willoughby, but she was busy with House Party, they had a shortlist drawn up, and would need to do some further work to get someone on board.

They also wanted to finalise the games they would play. They didn’t want to use the same games as last time, but wanted to keep the decades themes. A whiteboard was up in the production office, as well as the shortlist of potential hosts, it contained the proposed rounds that Myleene and Kimberly (and some special guests) would face.

Round 1 – Push Off

Round 2 – Stop the Snot

Round 3 – Mystery Round

Final – The Gunk Dunk

The guest lists for each team were drawn up, and plans were put in place for the mystery round. There was now just the issue of who would host the show to be resolved.

The producers rang round their shortlist of three proposed hosts, and an hour later they had completed the cast. A press release was hastily pulled together and the new host was asked to provide a couple of snaps to be used alongside the release which would happen later that week.

An hour later, two photos came back, they were just what the producers were looking for.

The dates were in the diary, Cheryl was on board, and Battle of the Decades 2.0 was ready to be officially launched.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.This story may contain scenes of nudity and/or a sexual nature. 

Vote at the end

BBC Business Presenter Sally Bundock and BBC Sports Presenter Holly Hamilton were having their regular fun video chat with Love Island Star Maura Higgins. Maura had gunged and been gunged by Holly on her holiday home in Ireland. Maura had steamrollered Sally into being gunged in a bikini by her children and had been turned into an unlikely sex symbol. Both Sally and Holly were much more confident and adventurous since their encounters with Maura and driven by Maura they had arranged a birthday gunging for Sally’s BBC Business colleague Victoria Fritz which had apparently helped Victoria also regain her fun sexy side.

When Sally had accidentally sent Maura a nude photo of herself she was christened Slutty by Maura and although this did embarrass Sally when Maura had used it in front of Sally’s children online. Sally actually enjoyed being called it as it made her feel part of the girls clique and her and Holly were now doing naughty dares like presenting programmes being commando. Victoria due to her large post birth lactating breasts was known as Milky Tits or just Tits as Maura tended to call her. Holly was Holl to all the girls as Sally’s eldest lad who they all called Big. Maura was just Maura or Hurricane Maura or usually “What the **** have you done now Maura?”.

“Hiya Sally and Maura” said Holly signing in. “Hiya Holl” replied Maura joining the call. “Hey there ladies” Sally responded joining the call. Both Holly and Maura sat there in shocked silence as Sally was on the call with her thong down, her dress hoisted up and pleasuring herself with an Ann Summers dildo. “You really are such a slut Slutty” Maura said laughing. “I thought we had all agreed to do this as a sign on” Sally stammered. “Look whatever you get up to is cool with us” Holly replied laughing. “You ***** you’ve set me up again” Sally screamed laughing. “Would I do a thing like that?” said Maura smiling. “But I certainly would” replied Holly with a wink. “Holly Hamilton I ******* hate you. When lockdown is over I’ll shag your husband” Sally screamed laughing. “Don’t forget where he likes to put it up Slutty” Maura responded. “Oh she’d we well used to that” Holly added laughing. “I just wish I had done this without being set up” Sally said laughing pulling her thong back up and lowering her dress.

As an Ann Summers ambassador Maura had sent all the ladies complimentary products and they were now discussing Sally beginning dating again once Lockdown was over. “Have you had any thoughts about starting dating Sal post Lockdown?” Holly asked Sally. “If Slutty starts off any dates like that, she’ll get loads of suitors” Maura joked. “Well I’ve written my profile and my two eldest sons have had input” Sally said. “You’ll just have to make sure that none of Big’s mates set up false profiles and try to date you Slutty” Maura joked as Sally’s eldest son’s mates all fancied Sally. “One has sent me the lyrics to Mrs Robinson retitled Mrs Bundock” Sally said laughing. “Is that the really polite lad who always calls you Mrs Bundock?” asked Holly. “Yes, I’ve told him to call me Sally or even Sal but he still likes to be formal as he considers me a different generation” Sally replied laughing. “Did he rhyme Bundock with Big Cock?” Maura joked. “No the lyrics were very clean apart from the last put one line ” Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes”. He had rewritten it as “Put it down your panties with the creamcakes” Sally said laughing out loud. “He knows you too tell Slutty” Maura joked. “I’ll send him a thank you note” Sally replied. “Put a lipstick kiss on it too” Holly suggested. “Great idea” said Maura. “Make sure you use the lips on your face though Slutty” Maura joked as they all burst out laughing again.

“I heard from Natalie Pirks today” Holly said . “How is Pirky doing?” asked Sally “She’s a bit frazzled under Lockdown juggling work with her two girls and her husband busy with his logistics job” Holly said. “Oh yes Diego is very busy too” she added, “Exotic name is he South American?” Maura asked. “Yes he’s Columbian” Holly replied. “Columbian Logistics, he must be shipping some expensive shit” Maura joked. “He always says that but Pirky doesn’t like that joke” Holly said. “I don’t know what Natalie looks like?” Maura said. So Holly sent her a photo.

“That’s Aisleyne from Big Brother” Maura said. Holly laughed having known Natalie for several years she had occasionally thought about the resemblance but had never dared to tell her friend. “Has someone forgotten to tell her face to smile or has she been taking it up the rear too much like you Holl?” Maura continued. “Don’t be mean to Nat, she’s a good friend and a lot of fun” Holly replied. “I’m mean to both of you, Slutty and Take it up the Hol” Maura joked. “I’ve just googled Aisleyne and there is a definite likeness. I reckon she definitely takes it up the ass” Sally said joking. “Who do you mean Aisleyne or Natalie?” Maura said. “You know who she means?” Holly replied giggling. “I never knew you had such a naughty friend in the BBC Sports Dept, I thought she’d have got you onto that sooner then?” Maura replied laughing. “Very funny” Holly responded but also smiling at the thought of her friend doing such naughty things. “I know Aisleyne, I could give her a call and we could link her up with Natalie for a laugh” Maura suggested. “I’ll think about it” Holly said trying to deflect Maura starting off another bright idea.

Just then Natalie happened to call Holly and she answered it “Hello Aisleyne from Big Brother. Have you got over Nikki yet. “It’s so cold. Who is she. Who is she!” Maura blurted out. “Taken aback seeing someone she didn’t recognise Natalie asked “Who Is She?” “No you said “You’d better know yourself little girl” Maura replied repeating one of Aisleyne’s best known quotes. “I’ll be Nikki, Who Is She, Who Is She” Maura went on. “Come on Aisleyne, you must remember the Big Brother House Summer 2006. You came third in the series” Maura ranted on. “I’m not Aisleyne, my name is Natalie” a stammered reply came from Natalie. “No you are Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace Ghetto Princess I was coming down with my one bredrin” Maura went on. “Hiya Pirky, it’s Holly here. That was Hurricane Maura you just encountered” Holly managed to get a word in. “So that’s Maura. I’d heard so much about you. Now I know why she is called Hurricane Maura” Natalie replied gradually realising what had hit her. “Heya Aisleyne” Sally said joining in. “I’m not bloody Aisleyne. I haven’t heard that for nearly 14 years” Natalie replied laughing.

“I’ve got Natalie Pirks on the line” Maura announced and bought the real Aisleyne Horgan Wallace onto the call.

“Heya Natalie, it must be a weird time with no sports to cover during lockdown. Juggling looking after two young children. Helping your husband stay ahead of the CIA and running his cartel. No wonder your colleagues always say you have a face like a slapped arse and you never smile” Maura went on. “I’m not this Natalie Pirks I’m Aisleyne from Big Brother” Aisleyne replied laughing. “No she is on the other line here see each other” Maura said linking them all together on the video call. “Hiya Aisleyne. This is the real Aisleyne” said Aisleyne laughing. “I am not Aisleyne, my husband may be Columbian but he doesn’t run a drug cartel either and I’m not a hard faced cow” said Natalie crying with laughter. “That was very mean what you said about Aisleyne I mean Natalie” said Holly laughing and getting confused. “I don’t usually like the drug cartel jokes but Maura going off like that was so funny and to actually get the real Aisleyne on here is classic” Natalie said laughing.

“I’ve got an idea” Sally said. “No you need a bespoke Vibrator to use up your bum” Maura cut her off as everyone laughed. “I have and it’s the largest one actually” Sally responded to howls of laughter. “Anyway let’s have an online quiz tomorrow night. Natalie dresses as Aisleyne and Aisleyne as Natalie and they answer questions on each other?” Sally went on. “Yes and if they get any questions wrong or break character they get gunged either by their husband or by themselves” Holly added. “Yes but one will get covered in a load of white powder” Maura joked. “Yes I’ve got shit loads of talc” Natalie responded. “I’m up for it and I’m going to parody Natalie as the wife of a Drugs Lord” Aisleyne said. “You know what, I’m up for it too. I’m going to find the most skanky ghetto photo of Aisleyne and channel that. My girls will have fun helping gunge me with Diego. He’ll love seeing Aisleyne parody me too” Natalie said bravely. “There are loads of photos of me being a total skank online. So you’ll have enough to choose from” Aisleyne joked. “Great lets see how no holds barred we can be” Natalie responded signing off laughing. “I’ll see myself tomorrow” Aisleyne said signing off too.

“You’ve done it again Maura” Holly said laughing. “Poor Natalie when you went into that Nikki Grahame rant and made the Colombian drug jokes. But she found it funny from you somehow” Sally said laughing. “We could be each other but I don’t take it up the bum like Holly and I’m not such a slut as Slutty” said Maura signing off. Holly and Sally laughed at each other and signed off too.

What do you want to see Natalie and Aisleyne get gunged or get messy with. Also do you want to see any or all of Maura, Holly and Sally get messy and again what with.

Authors note – apologies, there is no mess in this part of the story either, but rest assured there is lots to come. This sets everything up for a very messy weekend for all concerned.

Shona was true to her word and arrived into the office early the next morning. Frank was already there when she arrived, and Shona could tell he was stressed out about something.

“Everything OK?” Shona asked, “you look like you didn’t get much sleep last night”.

“I didn’t”, said Frank, “I’ll fill you in over a coffee. Everything area right with you?”

Shona nodded, Frank handed her a fiver, and she went off to the local coffee shop to grab a couple of lattes.

They sat chatting for about half an hour, and Frank told Shona about the conversation he’d had with his nephew last night. She reassured him that it would all be fine, besides, the trial run footage would never be used, and they could use fake names if they put any actual shoots out there. Frank began to feel a little better about things, and even took time to reassure Shona that there would be nothing to worry about now she was suddenly back in contact with Martin.

The pair’s heart to heart was interrupted by the sound of the desk phone. That could only mean one thing, as only the receptionist downstairs had that number, Frank picked the phone up.

“Hello, MAD Models, Frank speaking”.

“Hiya Frank, it’s Lindsey on reception, I’ve got two young ladies downstairs, they want to see you, I think they were here yesterday too?”

Frank looked at Shona, and said, “ah yes, that’ll be Millie and Lacey, send them up please”.

Shona looked at Frank, slightly puzzled, “what are they doing here?”

“I’ve got no idea, what did you say to them yesterday?”

“That there was no rush, and either of the, could ring me anytime”.

Shona got up at this point and went to go and greet the girls. Within a couple of minutes, the four of them were all sat in Frank’s office, the agency boss kicked the conversation off.

“So girls, good to see you again, what can I do for you?”

“We’ve both had a think”, said Millie.

“And we had a chat last night”, Lacey added.

“And we both want to sign up”, Millie said, “but only if we work together”.

“Like a double act”, Lacey added.

Frank and Shona looked at each other and Frank nodded.

“That’s great”, said Shona, “welcome onboard, I’ll get the paperwork sorted, when do you think you can start?”

“Whenever”, said Millie, “we’re both quite flexible, but are both studying at uni so don’t always live that local”.

“That’s ok, I’m sure we can work something out”.

Shona went off to get the paperwork, leaving Millie and Lacey in the office with Frank. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, and Frank didn’t quite know what to say. In the end it was Lacey that broke the silence.

“So how many models do you have?”

“We’ve only just started out really, Shona was my first, we’ve two others who I’m sure you’ll meet, and then you pair, and hoepfully Veronica too”.

“Cool”, said Millie, “and is this what you do full time?”

“Sort of. I run a number of different agencies in different regions, and other types of modelling too”.

Frank was quite relieved to be talking work with the girls, he was keen to keep his connections with their friend Ed a secret, for everyone’s benefit, not least if he thought Ed was going to get with one of them. It was all very complicated, but Frank was sure it would work out, after all they weren’t going to do that many shoots.

Shona came back in and talked the girls through their forms. She explained that they would be using an alias for the videos, to help ensure that their friends and family didn’t find out if they didn’t want them to. Within 15 minutes, the girls had completed the paperwork, agreed to come back on Friday to film their first shoot and left the building.

As the day progressed, Shona continued to make plans for upcoming shoots, including some with Millie and Lacey. The other two models that worked for MAD, Sophia and Amelia, also popped in. Sophia was particularly excited that other models were joining, she loved gunging other people, and couldn’t wait for some fresh meat.

As they day wound on, Shona was surprised not to have heard from Veronica, though she had received another message from Martin. She didn’t know what to do about him, she would have to manage this situation almost as carefullly as Frank needed to with Ed. As she started to think about heading home, her mobile rang, sure enough, it was Veronica.

“Hey Veronica, how’s things?” Shona asked as she walked off down the corridor.

A few minutes later Shona walked back in to tell Frank the good news, Veronica had signed up too, and was also available to do her first proper shoot this weekend. Everything was set up and MAD now had a great range of models to call on for a variety of shoots, even if they did present some possible complications.

Frank went home wondering how he was going to deal with his nephew if he found out that Millie and Lacey were now both working for him as gunge models, meanwhile Shona was still trying her hardest to ignore Martin, but knew that this would be difficult with Veronica now on board. Frank was still texting Shona later that evening as the pair of them continued to finalise the upcoming shoots, they agreed that they would see how these went before making any rash decisions. This still had the potential to get messy in more ways than one.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.This story will contain scenes of nudity and/or a sexual nature. 

Chris Tarrant stood there rather perplexed as one Phantom Flan Flinger was stood by Prince William and Professor Kate Williams on the left hand side and on the right hand side was another Phantom Flan Flinger, Flanderella and a 3rd person in a black costume. Plus there was Jaime Murray who had been unmasked as Flanderella. A lot of mainly naked and gunge covered female celebrities were stopping the 3 masked characters on the right hand side from getting away.

“This is the real Phantom” William said. “We’ll prove it” Professor Kate added giving the Phantom a pie which he stuck in her face. “Also two of those phantoms are flat chested women. Having been married to Kate for over 9 years. I know what a flat chested woman looks like” William said. Kate Duchess of Cambridge who was stood there in a jumper and skinny jeans covered in gunge but minus her underwear got lots of ironic years from the other girls. “They are pleasantly petite actually” she responded joking. “Get off it Kate you are as flat chested as me or Daisy Ridley” the naked and gunge covered Trinny Woodall chipped in.

The masked Flanderella shouted “How dare you!. William reached over and pulled the mask off to reveal Star Wars star Daisy Ridley.

“I find this programme demeaning to women especially those without assets like me” she shouted. “It hasn’t stopped me or Kate” Trinny retorted. “Or Emily Maitlis” the obliterated Rosamund Pike chipped in. She looked around for Emily but couldn’t see her. Rosamund then reached for the Phantom stood next to Daisy’s mask and pulled it off and it was Emily Maitlis. “You guys humiliated me, gunged me, stripped me naked so I wanted to get even with you” she shouted. “Well we’ll do that again soon don’t worry” the naked and gunge covered Thandie Newton added.

“Well who is the other Phantom Character?” Chris asked. “Don’t worry, I was a bit late for my spot so found this outfit and put it on for a laugh” a familiar voice said. She pulled her mask off to reveal herself as Denise Van Outen.

“A load of women getting naked, naughty and messy did you think I was going to miss that” Denise continued. “So you would have been on News at Den?” Chris asked. “Yes but some bitch, locked me in my dressing room” Denise added pointing to Daisy.

“Yes someone had locked the Phantom in his lair” too William added. “Prof Kate and myself found him coming back from helping take the calls and then we heard Denise banging too” he added. “I bang really loudly” Denise joked. “Okay so where does Jaime fit into all this?” Chris asked. “I was supposed to be Flanderella but I got unmasked too soon. So I stayed quiet” Jaime said.

“I missed Rochelle’s baby shower too” Denise said and “So did I said Prof Kate”. “We can remedy that ” Chris said as the pregnant, naked and destroyed Rochelle Humes did a mock sigh from the side of the stage. “We’ll deal with Emily and Daisy in a bit. But first we have Rosamund, Thandie and Katie Thistleton on Torture Wheel. Spun by Rachel Burden and sprayed by Ruxandra Porojnicu. They must stay on the wheel for a combined time of 3 minutes 47 seconds.

Maisie Smith and Amber Gill both naked and covered in gunge but still in their high heels wheeled on the Tiswas Torture Wheel. The Phantom gave Amber a pie in the face. Maisie said “How do I know he’s the real one?” so the Phantom gave her his famed double pie sandwich on her face, on her boobs and on her buttocks. He then threw 2 buckets of cold water at her and finished off with a bucket of baked beans slowly emptied over Maisie’s head. She stood there taking it all totally destroyed and unrecognizable under all the mess. The audience went ahh as they felt sorry for her but knew she was an amazing sport. “I’m still not sure” she spluttered as beans ran down her face so the Phantom hit her with another half dozen custard pies around the head, emptied a bucket of chocolate sauce over her head followed by throwing a bucket of mud from Compost Corner right in her face. She stood there happily receiving it all and said “I think it is him. But what am I like” as the audience cheered.

The also naked and gunge covered BBC Newsreader Rachel Burden and Corrie Actress Ruxandra Porojnicu walked forward from one side whilst a laughing Thandie, Rosamund and Katie walked on from the other. Amber strapped Thandie onto the Torture Wheel and it rose 90 degrees to the vertical. “Right Rachel will be spinning and Ruxandra spraying all the recycled gunge onto Thandie. The wheel can only be spun every 20 seconds. The lady must be sprayed evenly all over their body with no concentrated spraying in one area. The lady on the wheel shouts “Tiswas” when she wants the wheel to stop” Chris explained. “Pity I’d love the hose up my fanny for a minute” Rosamund joked. “It would fill mine” Thandie chipped in. “You both disgust me” Ruxandra fumed. Katie Thistleton jabbed Ruxandra up her bum with a finger and said “What about me?”. “I refuse to be provoked” Ruxandra responded as Katie stuck her tongue out at her.

Rachel spun the wheel and Ruxandra began to hose Thandie down working slowly up and down her body but Thandie just looked to the side as if meditating. “20 seconds gone” Chris announced and Rachel gave the wheel the hardest spin she could. The overflow tray was beginning to fill up and Thandie’s head went under the grey sludge several times but she still took it. Ruxandra aimed the hose up and down Thandie’s body concentrating mainly on her upper half. “40 seconds gone” Chris announced. Rachel gave the wheel a short sharper spin as Ruxandra continued to cover Thandie but then she aimed the hose for a prolonged period at Thandie’s vagina. Thandie screamed and Chris said “3 second penalty against Ruxandra and 60 seconds gone”. Rachel spun the wheel the other way which was allowed and as Thandie’s head emerged from the overflow slurry Ruxandra got her right in the face. Thandie screamed Tiswas as the wheel was stopped “I got you right in the face you slut” Ruxandra taunted the gasping Thandie. Seething Thandie reached down to her fanny and aimed a spray of gungy pee right into Ruxandra’s face. Ruxandra screamed water and the Phantom threw a bucket of water into her face.

“Right Thandie lasted 65 seconds plus 3 seconds penalty for prolonged spraying in one area plus another 2 seconds for unsporting conduct by Ruxandra minus 5 seconds for gross misconduct by Thandie. So her total remains 65 seconds” Chris announced. The Wheel was lowered and Thandie helped off by Amber and Katie took her place and the wheel rose 90 degrees again. Katie’s naked gunge covered slightly wobbly body was suspended from the wheel as Rachel spun it and Ruxandra began to hose her down. “Just do it calmly don’t give them any penalty time” Rachel shouted to Ruxandra. “20 seconds gone” announced Chris. Rachel gave it a short sharp spin to conserve energy and Ruxandra switched to short sharp bursts as the overflow tray filled up and Katie’s head went under it. “40 seconds gone” Chris announced and Rachel gave it her biggest possible spin. “I love this” Katie screamed as the grey slurry hit her stomach and boobs. Ruxandra went back to running the hose spray it up and down her body as Chris announced “60 seconds gone”. Rachel gave it a desperate all out spin but Katie remained unflinching but then Ruxandra caught her right in the face and her head went under the mess in the overflow tray and as she emerged gasping she muttered “Tiswas”.

Katie was lowered back down to the ground on the wheel and helped off. “Katie managed 74 seconds ” Chris announced. Rosamund smiling took her place saying “I’ve got this”. “You’ve got to last 88 seconds Rosamund” Chris informed her. Rachel who was tiring gave the wheel a steady spin and Ruxandra worked the spray of grey slurry up and down Rosamund’s body. “20 seconds gone” Chris announced and Rachel gave the wheel the strongest spin she could. Rosamund cleverly turned her head from side to side and tensed her fanny muscles to reduce Ruxandra’s chances of getting a direct spray in a key place. “40 seconds gone Chris said. Rachel spun the wheel the other way but this confused Ruxandra and she took a few vital seconds to get her aim back on target and it gave Rosamund an extra couple of seconds before she went through the overflow tray again. “60 seconds gone” Chris stated and Rachel gave it a slower spin in the same direction. “Short and sharp” she shouted at Ruxandra who alternated between Rosamund’s fanny and face. Rosamund was struggling and began to scream out. Thandie considered shouting “Tiswas” to save her. But just then Chris announced 80 seconds gone and the countdown started. Ruxandra lost momentary control of her hose as the count was down to 5 she regained it at 3 and sprayed directly into Rosamund’s fanny. Rosamund screamed but the count went two – one and Chris blew a whistle. Rosamund had done it totally destroyed and upside down naked on the wheel she gasped for breath and screamed with delight as the wheel was lowered and she collapsed into Katie and Amber’s arms.

“You may have won this part but you’ll never win overall” Rachel growled at them. “Want to bet” Thandie replied. Kate – Duchess of Cambridge tapped Chris on the shoulder and said “I’ve got an old friend here to see you. Do you remember this incident?” The photo of Chris lifting up the then Sophie Rhys-Jones’ bikini top from the 1990’s was shown.

“That was a mistake Kate” Chris said slightly embarrassed. “She knows that and has agreed to come on here to help the cause” said Kate and Sophie Countess of Wessex walked on in a red swimsuit and sunglasses to lots of cheers.

Kate and Sophie hugged and Sophie said “Look at the state of you” to the gunge covered Kate. “I want a word with you Chris” Sophie said beckoning him with her finger. “I’m still sorry for those holiday high jinks ” Chris said. “You should have invited me on this show, I only came on when Kate called me and told me it was part of a bet” Sophie replied. “Well what do you want to do Sophie?” Chris asked. “Well a few spins on the Torture Wheel would be fun. I may be 55 years old and not in a bikini after what you did last time Chris. But I’m here to show that there is sex in Wessex” she said taking her sunglasses off and handing them to Chris as the crowd cheered.

Sophie laughing was lead to the wheel and strapped on. It was raised 90 degrees and a laughing Prince William walked over to spin it. “Sorry William I cannot curtsey as I’m strapped on here” she joked. William gave the wheel a spin and Kate began to hose her down, Sophie laughed as the grey slurry hit her and began to cover her. Kate gave her a couple of fun sprays between the legs. “Not now Edward” Sophie yelled as the audience laughed. William gave it another spin and then ran round the front a threw a couple of buckets of the compost corner wet mud over Sophie as Katie continued to hose her down. The wheel eventually stopped and Sophie was lowered back to the ground still laughing. To warm applause she got off the wheel as William dumped another bucket of wet mud over Sophie’s head. “James and Louisa wanted me to do that” he said. “I’ll be having words with my children when I get home” Sophie joked. “Now where is this Cage I want to go in there” she added as the other girls called her over to the Cage and chanted “Sophie, Sophie”.

“Have we any more surprise Royal’s waiting to go on the Torture Wheel?” Chris joked. “You must be psychic Chris” Kate replied as Princess Beatrice walked on in a bikini. William immediately threw a bucket of water over her as she approached.

“Hi Bea” said Kate hugging her. “Please tell me you haven’t got Princess Anne waiting backstage too” Chris joked. “I called Anne and she said “Not bloody likely” Kate admitted. “What would you like to do Princess Beatrice?” Chris asked. “Please call me Bea” she replied. “Well I’d love to go on the Torture Wheel but I’d love to meet Maisie first” she said laughing. “Maisie you are wanted by Royal decree” Chris shouted. The gunge covered, naked but still in her high heels Maisie tottered on. She did a curtsy to Beatrice put slipped over and pulled a laughing Beatrice on top of her. Maisie rubbed some of the gunge off her body onto Beatrice’s as Beatrice howled with laughter. “What’s that?” Beatrice asked “Well that’s baked beans” Maisie replied and they were hit with a bucket of baked beans. “What’s that?” Beatrice asked again. “Salad cream” Maisie replied and a bucket of salad cream was poured over Beatrice’s head. It ran over her long auburn hair onto her ample cleavage and down onto her belly. “My boobs” Beatrice screamed laughing. “Okay” shouted Maisie who was under her and reached up and grabbed hold of Beatrice’s boobs. Beatrice was sat atop Maisie in stunned silence. “Take them off” Chris shouted. “Okay” shouted Maisie and scooped Beatrice’s boobs out of her bikini top. “Not like that” Chris yelled as Beatrice’s nipples were on display for all to see. “I’ll keep hold of them” Maisie shouted and grabbed Beatrice’s naked breasts in her hands to cover them but also it stopped Beatrice covering herself back up.

Beatrice was still in a state of shock but began to laugh. “This looks like oxtail soup” she said thinking quickly to get something dark on her, “No it’s mud from Compost corner” Maisie corrected her. They got hit with a bucket of each but it made Beatrice a dark mess and covered her boobs. When Maisie finally released them. She quickly pushed them back into her bikini top. “Finally what’s this?” Beatrice asked touching a sticky bit of gunge on Maisie’s belly. “Oh I think that was Buffalo Semen” Maisie responded. “Buffalo Semen?” Beatrice replied in shock and almost doubling with laughter. “Yes, but I think it was used up” Maisie added. “No there is one more bucket” shouted Thandie running on with it and depositing it over Beatrice’s head and then the rest over Maisie. Beatrice screamed as the clear sticky liquid slowly ran down her. She held her hands out as the cloudy substance dripped from her fingers and burst out laughing. “I’m so sorry Bea” Chris said. “No that was one I wasn’t expecting said Beatrice slowly getting to her feet”. “I just hope there are no bulls nearby” she added unable to stop laughing

Chris and Beatrice helped Maisie to her feet and applauded her as she tottered off on her heels. “I’d like my go on the Torture Wheel now” Beatrice asked. “Sure” said Chris. Kate strapped Beatrice onto the Torture Wheel and it raised 90 degrees. William held the hose and Kate spun the wheel fairly gently. William hosed Beatrice between her legs and she screamed and then got her right in the face. He then swapped places with Kate and gave the wheel the hardest spin he could. Beatrice whizzed around and her head went into the gunk in the overflow tray. As William gave it a final sharp spin her boobs bounced out of her bikini top and she screamed “My boobs”. Unable to cover her modesty as her arms were strapped down. Her boobs bounced manically about as Kate tried to cover them with gunge. William stopped the wheel and lowered a laughing Beatrice back down to the ground. “I hope Granny isn’t watching” she joked. “Granddad certainly is” William replied.

Beatrice was unstrapped from the wheel and went to readjust her bikini top. “It may be easier if you take it off first” Kate suggested. “Okay” said Beatrice and took it off covering her modesty as she did. “Sorry Bea. It’s against the rules of the show for any woman to put an item of clothing back on once they have taken it off otherwise we lose 25k from the total. Emily Maitlis putting on the Phantom costume cost us 25k. Which I forgot to add during all the commotion” Chris admitted. “You set me up Kate you bastard” said Beatrice laughing. “I’ll pay the 25k” said William. “No I came here as Kate told me that Rosamund, Thandie and Katie had been challenged to get another 2 members of the Royal Family on the Torture Wheel and one had to go topless” Beatrice said discarding her bikini top totally. “So you have won the bet” she added waving her hands above her head and running off to the Cage with her boobs bouncing up and down to huge cheers.

“Got you” a smiling Rosamund said to a scowling Rachel and Ruxandra. “There is still one part of the bet to go. You’ll never pull it off” Rachel hissed back. “It’ll be more pulled off than the Buffalo who provided that spunk” replied a laughing Rosamund. “We’ll deal with you two soon” Thandie growled at a nervous looking Emily and Daisy.

Just then Chris was told that a giant crate had arrived. “Apparently we have just had a delivery for you Rosamund” he said. “Perfect” Rosamund replied. “Well I dread to think what that is. Anyway that is it from this part of Part of the Tiswas/OTT charity revival. Join us after the break for Part 14 which will feature Sheena Easton and Gwen Stefani in a musical number”. Just then a swimsuit clad and gunge covered Pixie Lott burst back on stage “A musical number, I want to be in that” she shouted. “We’d love to have you in it” the topless and gunge covered Gwen shouted back. “Yes it’ll be fun” the equally messy and also topless Sheena shouted from the Cage as they began to plot what fun they would have with the unsuspecting Pixie.

“Anyway we will also have something featuring Jamie Murray, Denise Van Outen. We’ll deal with Emily Maitlis and Daisy Ridley. We’ll have Rosamund,Maisie and Sheena’s pie challenge and The Greatest Show on Legs” said Chris signing off.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

The show returned from commercial, and Holly Willoughby stood ready. “And welcome back to the House Party. Now, lets get started with a classic House Party favorite. This is the Panel Beaters!”

The camera shot over to Holly standing in between a panel of celebrities sitting in a booth and a group of contestants standing across from them. Holly began again “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a game of wits. Our celebs will try to spot the fakes, and there is quite a bit at stake. But before we get to that, lets meet our celebrity panel. First, she’s a presenter, she’s a DJ, she’s done it all, please welcome, Arielle Free!”

“Next, straight from ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, please welcome, Dianne Buswell!”

“And the captain, she can sing, but she can spot a fake? Please welcome, Pixie Lott!”

The crowd applauded after each contestant was named. Holly continued “And now lets meet our contestants who will try to beat the panel.” The contestants, four cheerleaders, came into view. There was much hooting and whistling from the crowd.

Holly spoke again, “Please welcome Laura, Christy, Anna, and Nicole. Lets learn about them.” A vignette played, highlighting each girls experience as a cheerleader. When it ended, Holly began again “Now, one of these lovely young ladies is an actual cheerleader. The other three are fakes. You, the panel, must figure out who is for real and who is a fake. If the panel guesses correctly, they get off and our contestants go through. But if the panel is wrong, then they go through. And what a trip it is. Lets begin!”

Pixie asked the first question “Alright, well lets see if they can cheer.” Holly gestured the girls to stand up, which they did. They presented themselves on center-stage, to many hoots and whistles from the crowd. The panel examined a quick dance routine, until Holly had the girls sit down. “Alright, next question.” Holly declared.

Diane asked “Laura, how long have you been cheering.” “Five years” responded Laura. Arielle was next to ask “Christy, how many cartwheels can you do?” Christy appeared thoughtful before answering “I can do 5 straight, on average.” Pixie quickly asked, “Anna, how many points are scored in a touchdown?” Anna smiled as she answered “Six for the touchdown, seven if the extra point is successful, eight if the two-point conversion works.”

The crowd was impressed and whooed before Diane asked “Nicole, where do you stand on the sidelines.” Nicole answered without missing a beat “Generally close to the endzone, but we cant be less than ten feet close to the sideline.” Arielle asked “Christy, have you ever dated a player, and if so, who was it?” Christy responded confidently “Well we are not allowed to date players, no matter how much a player wants me to!” The crowd laughed while Holly chimed in “Good response, now last question!” Pixie scrambled to think before asking “Um, Laura, how accurate are the movies about cheerleaders?” “Not accurate at all” responded Laura “Too dramatic, too silly, and those girls wished they looked as good as us.” Laura finished with a hair flip and a smirk at the camera.

The crowd let out a collective cheer. Holly chimed in again “Wow, some fire in these cheerleaders! Now panel, who is the real cheerleader, and who are the fakes?” The celebs talked briefly among themselves before Arielle spoke up “Anna is a fake.” “Okay”, said Holly “Anna take a step back. Who else is a fake!” Pixie spoke up “We’re gonna say Christy.” Okay Christy, step back please.” spoke Holly, who continued, “And now, who is the final fake?

Pixie spoke up “Nicole, Nicole, its definitely Nicole.” “Alright” spoke Holly “Nicole step back please. That means celebs, that you believe Christy is an actual cheerleader. And if youre correct, you get to get off, and these lovely young girls will have to get covered in slimy stuff. But if youre wrong, you go through.” The celebs nodded in understanding. “Holly spoke with finality. “Now, Christy, are you an actual cheerleader… is a question we will answer after the break!”

So while this isnt a situation that normally has a vote, Im letting you guys influence the outcome cause I like audience participation. Remember, and just to be completely clear, a vote for yes means the celebs escape and the cheerleaders get it. A vote for no means the panel gets it. Voting ends Monday at 11:59 PM EST.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

The Flan the Frauds title sequence is resurrected (although this time the shadowy frauds sneaking down the alleyway are socially distanced and wearing face-masks), before we return to the studio.

Kate and Meghan are seated, respectively, in the red and blue armchairs, which are more widely separated than usual. An even greater departure from the norm is the absence of tables and the king-size foam pies that grace them. Instead, each contestant has a touch-screen mounted above her lap. The area opposite, where the line-up of seven participants would usually stand, is also empty.

The pair are very glad to have ditched the toilet brush costumes, and are wearing the glamorous dresses in which they arrived at the studio. They’ve benefited from a quick shower, although a few specks of colour remain here and there on their skin. Meghan spots a stubborn baked bean and squeamishly flicks it away.

Clara is backstage sorting something out, while Natalie is away from her computer (her voice can be faintly heard in background, nagging Stuart), so Kate and Meghan attempt some small-talk.

Kate: So, how are you and Harry finding Canada?

Meghan: We’re at my pad in LA now. Tax reasons.

Kate: At least you get to travel. Wills and I are having to spend the lockdown cooped up in the palace.

Meghan: Oh diddums. Only 57 bedrooms.

Kate: Hey, it’s real tough you know. We can’t go out and play sports, and we won’t be going on holiday this year!

Meghan: Really? I heard that you’ll be taking a short flight followed by a spot of swamp snorkelling.

Kate: Ehh? What?

Meghan: Very soon.

Meghan jerks her head in the direction of the sludge pool. Kate’s face falls.

Meghan: [doing a little dance in her armchair] Five-point lead! Five-point lead!

Kate: [glowers] Enjoy it while it lasts!

At that moment, Clara strolls onto the stage, taking position where the line-up would usually stand, a safe distance from the contestants. Natalie, still bossing an off-camera Stuart, takes her seat in front of her webcam.

Clara: Hi everyone! You’re watching Grudge-2-Sludge, and we’ve reached the second round of our duchess duel! Kate and Meghan, we had a damn good laugh at your expense in the last round, but breathe a sigh of relief, because this is the game where you don’t have to look silly or get messy. That’s because it’s time to play Flan the Frauds!

Natalie: Yep, looking good, Clara. Everything’s looking real good.

Clara: Oh, that’s nice of you to say so.

Natalie: But there are two minor problems.

Clara raises an expectant eyebrow.

Natalie: I don’t see any flans, and I don’t see any frauds. So it’s not so much Flan the Frauds as just… [shrugs] The.

Clara: Ahh, fear not, Nat. We’re following government guidelines that all frauds should get flanned at home if possible, and so our participants are logged in and ready to go! Say hello to Jodie, Phueng, Jaz, Cynthia, Venus, Beth and Becky – playing as a duo – and last but not least, Teri! Hope you can all hear me!

The screen view divides so that Natalie remains in one half, while in the other, a panel of seven different webcam views appears. There comes a chorus of hellos and waves and affirmations that the participants have audio.

Clara: [Thumbs up] Cool! Now folks, as the lockdown grinds on, we’re all looking to break the boredom by keeping up our fitness, sharpening our skills, or taking up an entirely new hobby. And for that, many of us are seeking guidance from professional online instructors. But beware, the internet is rife with frauds!

Natalie: Yes, each of the ladies you see on the screen is either a professional online instructor – giving long-distance lessons, webinars or videos – or is bluffing her way through something she may not have the foggiest about! They do all have one thing in common, however: none of them knew they’d be taking part in the show until a few hours ago, when they received their name badges – plus a few other items – from our courier!

Clara: More on that in a moment [winks]. As usual, we don’t divulge numbers, other than to say that at least one participant is for real, and at least one is a fraud. And to clarify, Beth and Becky count as a single participant in all aspects of the game.

Natalie: Perhaps you’re trying to get a few clues from what you see behind our participants, but bear in mind we live in an age of technological sorcery, and it’s never clear what’s real and what’s a virtual mirage! Instead, Kate and Meghan, you’ll need to use good old-fashioned interrogation and detective work to sort the pukka instructors from the cyber shysters!

Clara: To do this, you’ll take turns to put questions to the panel. You can ask whatever you like, other than blatant ‘are you a fraud’ type questions. You can even request that they perform an action, within limits, but for the reason mentioned you can’t ask them to interact with what appears in the background.

Natalie: The participants will give their answers, doing their utmost to convince you they’re for real, and then you must decide which participant you wish to… errmm, Clara, I really don’t see how the flanning is going to work!

Clara: [very pleased with herself] Ah-ha! This brings us to another piece of QuickThinking − the patent-pending Flan-o-matic! Our participants received their ’Matics from the courier, and our system indicates that they’ve all successfully connected to a USB port – ta very much, Ladies. Please can we verify that you’ve loaded your ’Matics using the materials provided?

The women swivel their webcams. Facing them on either side is a robotic arm, on which sits one of the show’s iconic king-size flans – pastel pink on their right-hand side, pale blue on their left (in the case of Beth and Becky there are two pies of each tint).

Clara: Oh yes, the Flan-o-matic combines a spring-loaded splatting action with realtime facial tracking. There’s no escape!

Natalie: Hmm, the tracker might get confused in Venus’s case!

Clara: [frowns] Teri, your flans are underfoamed.

The foam filling of Teri’s pies is indeed on the shallow side.

Teri: I’m economising!

Natalie: Well there’s no need for that – no expense spared on this show! Please use up what’s in the cans provided!

Reluctantly, Teri picks up a pair of aerosol cans bearing the Grudge-2-Sludge logo and sprays pink and blue shaving foam onto the appropriate flans until the cans sputter empty. Both flans now bear a hefty mound of cream, much to Teri’s chagrin.

Clara: There, that’s better! Kate and Meghan, you each have a touch-screen showing the available flanning options; simply select your victim when the time comes!

Meghan: So I’m supposed to pie someone I think is a fake, right?

Natalie: Yes, that’s very important. For each fraud you correctly flan, you’ll be awarded 5 points. But flan a for-real and though it may be very entertaining to us all, you’ll be fined 3 points!

Meghan looks far from happy at the thought of being fined.

Clara: Once a participant has been flanned, she’s out of play and excluded from questioning. The game continues, turn by turn, until either all of the participants have been flanned, or one of you declares yourself ‘out’, an option you can take whenever it’s your turn.

Natalie: If one of you does call it quits, the other can’t ask any more questions, but can flan any number of the remaining participants as she sees fit.

Kate: I’ve just thought of something. How can we be sure they aren’t looking things up to help them answer the questions?

Natalie: That’s a very good question, but we thought of that too. While our frauds were permitted some online research time earlier on, we’ve now locked down the computers and other devices of all our participants to prevent any cheating – not that I think they’d dare when there’s a flan poised either side of them!

Clara: [turns to the screen] Yes ladies, I trust you don’t want to find out what a merciless aim the Flan-o-matic has! But in case that’s not inducement enough to give this game your best shot, I’m pleased to announce that any of you who convinces Kate and Meghan you’re the real deal will win £250!!

Natalie: Come on audience, let’s have a woo! Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you get out of it!

A few belated and bashful woos sound across cyberspace.

Natalie: So before we get started, any further questions?

Kate: Yes. Who goes first?

Clara: [smirking] Well, that’s for Meghan to decide, seeing as she has the lead.

Meghan: Five-point lead! [Repeats her little dance] Clara, I’ll be very happy to go first!

Kate sulks in her chair.

Meghan: [smug] Good evening, ladies! Please can you introduce yourselves and tell me a bit about the services you offer?

The first webcam image in the panel expands to fill the entire half of the screen.

Jodie: [swaying her hips from side to side while she speaks] Hi! I’m Jodie, your online workout instructor, keeping you fit throughout the furlough! Never mind being stuck indoors, my step-by-step workouts will keep your blood pumping and your waistline trim!

The screen switches to the next webcam view.

Kate: Ooh, we’ve got a lampshade like that in the palace.

Clara: Sshhhh!!

Phueng: [in a slow, dreamy voice] I am Phueng, your mindfulness meditation teacher. At times like this, it can feel you are being buffeted by the stormy waves of a tempest, but remember they are but harmonics on the cosmic lake of infinity. So close your eyes… let your body relax… and let me take you on a journey to a place of inner tranquility.

Jaz: [with a flamboyant, albeit blocky, flourish] Jaz here, helping you jazz up your living space with my online art school! [Picture freezes] Guk guk guk guk Picasso guk guk…

Kate and Meghan frown at the screen while Jaz makes a noise that sounds like she’s gargling inside a metal tin can.

Jaz: Goodelgyguk Andy Warhol gluk guk guk

Clara: [pulls a face] Yeah, uhh, I think there’s a problem with−

Jaz: [picture unfreezes] …an explosion of colour!

Cynthia: [in a rich tone] I see you there admiring my cupcakes. Why not step into Cynthia’s pantry and see what else is cookin’? It’s time to turn up the heat and get kneadin’ that dough, as we bake cakes ’n’ cookies, tarts ’n’ tortes, lemon meringues, gingerbread men, and you guessed it [winks] – a flan or two!

Venus: [in a very breathy voice, fluttering her eyelashes at the camera] Are you all on your lonesome this lockdown? Or perhaps you’re stuck indoors with your partner, doing the same boring positions night after night…

Natalie: Pfft, tell me about it.

Venus: …I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, bringing back the hhmmmmm! and the ooouggghhh!! and the OOH GOD YESSSS!!! into your lovelife.

Beth: Hello! [Waves, and in doing so, pushes the pot-plant she is holding into Becky’s face] I’m Beth and this is Becky! We’re the green-fingered flatmates, showing how you can enjoy a lush horticultural experience in a limited space!

Becky: [spits a leaf away from her mouth] A very limited space.

Beth: Becky wasn’t keen on plants to start with, but they’ve since grown on her!

Becky: [sourly] You can say that again.

Teri: [talking quickly] Hi, I’m Teri Sales and I’m an online online instructor instructor. Every cloud has its silver lining and today’s events are no exception. There’s unparalleled demand for online instructors, and you need to make sure some of that silver lining crosses your palm. You’re a geek, you’re a freak, you’ve got that cranky niche obsession, but hey, it’s your USP and it could be big AIDA. So let’s do a little B2B working on your B2C via P2P. I’ll show you how to snag your URL, game your SEO, pump your CTR, and avoid paying VAT. Don’t fold to FOMO; this is your CTA, so take it ASAP!

Natalie: Whew, I think need another COT after all that, this time with a CC. [Glances pointedly off-shot] That’s a cup of tea with a custard cream, Stuey-kins.

Clara: Meghan, you have your answers. Now it’s time to make your decision.

Suspenseful music plays while the grid of seven webcams is displayed on the screen. Meghan has a similar view on her touch-screen, which she wastes little time jabbing a finger at.

Jaz’s picture expands to fill the screen. In the pixelated video, we can just about make out Jaz’s eyes widening. The next frame shows a robotic hand splatting a pie into her face, and it is on this image that the video-link again freezes.

Clara: Uhhh. I’m afraid we, uh, can’t bring you the flanning due to some technical gremlins, but from what we can see it looks like the Flan-o-matic worked so, uh, yay. Meghan, why did you choose to flan Jaz?

Meghan: [gestures a hand self-evidently at the screen] Well how can you run a tutorial on visual art with such poor video quality? I mean, if I’d paid for her course I’d demand she refund me or else she’d hear from my lawy−

Natalie: Hey! She’s back!

All eyes now turn to the screen, which displays a stunned Jaz, now in impeccably high resolution. Jaz has removed her glasses, leaving a cream-free region around her eyes, but has otherwise not got as far as wiping herself.

Natalie: Now that is an explosion of colour!!

Clara: I particularly like the stencil effect round the eyes! Very artistic!

Natalie: Top marks for the Flan-o-matic, Clara! Bang on target!

Clara: Cheers Nat. I calibrated the facial tracking using a cardboard cut-out of your good self. [Natalie’s smile fades upon hearing this] Jaz, you’re the first victim of a Grudge-2-Sludge remote flanning; how do you find it?

Jaz: [ruefully wiping her mouth clear] I like the hue – lovely deep oceanic blue – but I’m not so sure about the texture; think I prefer watercolour! Don’t know why the connection dropped; it’s never happened before.

Meghan: What? Hang on! I want to change my choice!

Clara: I’m afraid your decision is final, Meghan, and in any case, we can’t unflan Jaz in a hurry!

Natalie: Jaz, you’re out of play, but don’t you go off anywhere; we want to keep laughing at you! Kate, you can now put a question−

Meghan: No, I’m not accepting this! I demand to change my…

Clara raises her wrist, pointing the foam sprayer threateningly in Meghan’s direction. Meghan’s complaint trails off, but her scowl remains.

Natalie: As I was saying. Kate, you can now put your question to the remaining six.

Kate: [amused at Meghan’s thwarted protests] Thanks very much, Natalie! Ladies, you’ve told us what you do, but to test you a bit further, could you give us a short excerpt from one of your online sessions?

Again, the screen cycles through the webcam views.

Jodie: Before getting down to the heavy exercise, it’s very important to warm up properly, because this really isn’t the time to need a trip to the physio. So let’s start by touching our toes! Stretch your arms into the air, pointing to the ceiling [performs action]. That’s it – stretch! And then down, and bend, and touch!

Jodie touches her toes, displaying plenty of cleavage from her sports bra as she bends forward.

Jodie: …Then up again, stretch, down and touch! Don’t worry if you can’t reach your toes; just go as far as you can.

Natalie: [boastful] I can touch mine easily!

Clara: You’re sitting down, Nat. Anyway, Jodie’s getting a lot of positive feedback from the viewers, especially on the, ahem, tone of her torso.

Natalie: Yep. Trev Rep says he’d like to see Jodie do some buttock clenches.

Clara: No time for that, I’m afraid. Let’s move on to Phueng.

Phueng: Close your eyes… Imagine you are in a peaceful place… Bring your body to stillness… [Tings a little bell] Focus on your body… Consider how it fills the space… Feel the weight of your body, pushing onto the chair, the chair pushing back on your body… All in harmony… Listen to your breathing… Experience your breath going in and out…

Kate and Meghan squint sceptically at the screen. Clara yawns and checks her watch.

Phueng: In… And out… In… And out…

Natalie has her eyes closed, brow furrowed in concentration as she breathes.

Phueng: In… And out… In… And out… In…

Stuart: HERE’S YOUR CUP OF TEA, DARLING!!

Natalie jumps out of her skin.

Natalie: Oh Stuart! You’ve made my ying go all out of yang!

Phueng: Focus your attention on the big toe of your left foot… Consider how this toe fills the space, maybe inside a sock or a shoe if you are wearing one… Take note of how the toe connects to the foot, and in turn, to the universe itself… Experience any sensations you may have in that toe…

Natalie once again has her eyes closed, face contorted in contemplation.

Phueng: Now focus your attention on the second toe of your left foot…

Clara: NEXT!!

Cynthia: [jumps] Oh! Uh, welcome back to Cynthia’s kitchen, where we are making… umm [looks around to see what ingredients she has available], meringues. So let’s get crackin’ – tee hee!

Cynthia takes an egg from the box and cracks it on the edge of her mixing bowl, carefully dropping the contents into the bowl. She takes up a whisk in her hand, then halts and puts it down, correcting herself, and instead reaches across and fumbles for a cup and a spoon.

Cynthia: Very important to remember that meringue is made with the yolk only – not the white – so we need to separate the two. [Ventures the spoon into the mixing bowl and chases the yolk around] Heh, slippery little critters – ah, there we are!

Cynthia spoons the egg-yolk into the mug. She repeats the clumsy process with a few more eggs, chasing the yolks with the spoon and then transporting across the yolks to the cup, trailing eggwhite across the work surface.

Natalie: [eyes still closed] Can I stop thinking about my toe yet?

Clara: [cringing slightly] Those eggs must about to go past their sell-by-date, so can you wrap up please?

Cynthia: Whoops! Just broke one! Okay, we’ve got five yolks – should be enough. [Sticks whisk into cup]. Now there’s one thing left to do, as Michael Jackson himself instructed… just beat it!

Venus: Here’s a little trick to really put the bang back into your bedroom…!

Natalie: [jolts from her meditation] Ooh Stuey-kins, we need to pay attention to this! [Takes out a notepad]

Beckoning, Venus begins to draw her négligée away from her shoulders.

Clara: Umm, Venus, can I just clarify that this is PG-rated EEK!!

Venus lets the négligée drop, but at the same moment spins round so that her back is to the camera, sparing Grudge-2-Sludge a moment of indecent exposure (and a subsequent probe by Ofcom). Only a thong now preserves Venus’s modesty, and this is set to disappear too, as her hands move to her hips to pull it down.

Clara: Arrgghhh, Natalie, what do we do?!

Natalie, however, is busy scribbling down details on her notepad. Clara runs backstage and grabs a tablet. As Venus sticks out her arse to pull down her panties, Clara places a symbol in the nick of time.

Venus turns around, slowly and seductively this time, and Clara scrambles to add various fruit and vegetable emoji in the offending regions. She also censors Venus’s monologue with sound effects.

Venus: …And after a few minutes of rubbing his [mooooo!!] between your [cuckoo!!] – and if you don’t have a male partner, you can always use a [baaaahhh!!] – it’s time to insert the [cock-a-doodle-doo!!]

Natalie: [frowning as she scribbles] Well this all sounds a bit weird, Stuey-kins, but I guess we should give it a try. Do you think you can magic a cockerel out of your hat?

Venus: …And don’t forget to clean up afterwards.

Venus replaces her négligée, to much relief from Clara.

Clara: Right, let’s go to some nice wholesome gardening with Beth and Becky.

Beth: Sure thing, Clara! Hi again, everyone. In today’s lesson we’re going to show you how to grow petunias.

Becky: Oh no! I’m allergic to those!

Beth: First thing we need is a pot…

Beth rummages to her side to obtain a plant pot, and in doing so displaces the jungle of plants around the pair so that leaves again rub against a narked Becky’s face.

Beth: Next, some potting compost. [Points] Becky, it’s there by you; could you grab a handful?

Becky: Grab a handful!? Can’t you see I did my nails earlier?! [Shows some green-painted nails to the camera] Those horrid little bits of compost get right down…

Becky continues to rant, so Beth, raising an eyebrow to the camera, reaches across her and clasps a handful of black compost. As she hauls it across, some of it falls into Becky’s lap.

Becky: EUUGHH!! Mind what you’re doing! [Swipes the compost away] Did you know that compost is basically rotted waste?

Beth: Yes I did, and it’s also full of nutrients to help plants grow. So, drop in your seeds – not too shallow, not too deep. Petunias need plenty of sunlight, so put them on a windowsill to germinate…

Becky: Oh great! Even more shit blotting out the sunlight.

Beth: …And after eight to twelve weeks, move them to the garden, or if you don’t one, plant them in a window box. [Leans back and smiles genially to the camera, while Becky glares evils at her].

Teri: Kate, I’m so glad to have this opportunity of a 1-2-1, because you have real potential as an OKC…

Clara: I think that stands for ‘online knowledge consultant’.

Teri: I mean, what a USP you have – being the woman who snared the 2-HTTT!!

Natalie: Second-in-line heir to the throne.

Teri: Of course, there are only a few low-number HTTTs to go round, but plenty of girls out there are looking to snare a duke or an EOTR…

Clara: Earl of the Realm.

Teri: …or for those who like the raw allure of new money, a CEO or a QC – or even an MUCF…

Natalie: Man United centre-forward.

Kate: I really don’t like this word ‘snare’.

Teri: Sure, Kate. You can use more refined language in your online gold-digging courses if you so wish. But be in no doubt, plenty of young ladies are eager to learn your tips of the trade!

Kate: Gold-digging?! Tips of the trade!? Now listen here [wags finger] – Wills and I just happened to meet and fall in love, and that’s all there is to it!

Teri: Oh come now, Kate! Staking him out – very clever to apply to the same university; picking your moment to strike; promising the goods in the bedroom, but not too much too soon−

Kate: You COW!!

Clara: That’s a female bovine creature.

Natalie: I think we should that leave things there. Kate, any thoughts on who to flan?

A seething Kate addresses her touch-screen. Her finger hovers over Teri’s face for a few seconds, but then she restrains herself and looks elsewhere…

Cynthia is blissfully unaware as her webcam image expands to fill the big screen. Nor does she have time to register the robotic arm that zips across to slam a flan in her face. A muted squawk sounds from behind the foil tin as pink goo plops onto her blouse and apron.

Clara: Oh my! I have to say, this system is even better than the normal setup, because the participants have no idea if they’re gonna get it!

The pie tin slides away onto Cynthia’s lap, revealing the pastel pink cream coating her face and hair, with only her blinking eyes and shocked mouth on show.

Natalie: Oh wow! Look at that – covered! Fantastic flanning, Kate, but why did you pick on Cynthia?

Kate: [quelling her temper as she enjoys the flanning] I was suspicious of Cynthia from moment I saw her. The icing sugar around the mouth looked posed, while her apron was spotless – even more surprising given the way she slops ingredients about. But she also made a crucial mistake, and I spotted it. I may have servants to cook for me these days, but I remember from my home economics classes that meringue is made from egg whites, not the yolks!

Cynthia emits a laughing groan as she shakes her creamy head.

Clara: Well now she’s got far more than icing sugar around her mouth, ha ha! Cynthia, you’re out, but stay exactly where you are. Meghan, let’s have your next question.

Meghan: [looking far from pleased at the way the game is going] If you could have any celebrity drop in on your online lessons, who would it be and why?

Jodie: Well, I wouldn’t want to single anyone out because you might think I’m calling them unfit! But I think all our leaders making difficult decisions during this crisis ought to drop in to help keep their physical and mental wellbeing tip-top!

Phueng: A name is but a label for an indelible and impermeable soul. Celebrity is a vacuous and transient attribute of our shallow modern age. Instead I invite all people to discover their deeper eternal being, to seek shelter and solace from the tumult of materialism, to lie back and sense the cosmic vibrations that emanate−

Clara: [rolling eyes] A simple ‘forename surname’ would have sufficed. NEXT!!

Venus: [winks lasciviously] I do have a few famous names between my sheets, but my service is strictly confidential so I shan’t divulge. But as for a fannntasy client [breathes heavily], well how about you and Harry, Meghan? The pair of you seem so angry at the world. I can help but wonder if there’s some marital frustration, some yearning desire lying unfulfilled within your loins−

Meghan: HOW DARE YOU!!

In a fury, Meghan pounds the touch-screen in front of her. A mechanical arms springs across from Venus’s left to sock the femme fatale with a pastel-blue flan. Cream splurts onto Venus’s boobs from the explosion, joined by further dollops that plop down. When the pie tin falls away, Venus’s visage is blanketed, but her seductive gaze still pierces through.

Stunned silence falls for a couple of seconds.

Natalie: Um, Meghan, you’re supposed to listen to all the answers before you make a choice.

Meghan: [still fuming] My mind was already made up. And as you said yourself, my decision is final. [Smirks with grim satisfaction as she watches Venus continue to reel] I’m just pleased she got nailed by a hard one.

Clara: [chortles] I think a lot of Venus’s clients say that!

Natalie: Well Clara, your Flan-o-matic proved its worth in finding the correct target, though it looks like the other two targets didn’t escape the cream anyway! Very popular flanning with our viewers, that one. Kate, it’s time for another question from you.

Kate: Where did you learn your skills from?

Jodie: My school PE teacher Miss Sinnet taught me the importance of personal fitness and how to be a good motivator. So, Miss S, if you’re watching, ta!

Phueng: My discipline draws on the strands of wisdom of many ancient teachers, but at the same time stems from an innate spirituality within us all.

Beth: I’ve always had a passion for plants – got it off my Dad who was big on gardening – but Becky has got it all from me!

Becky: Yep, I get it all, alright – sap rashes, hay fever, spiders creeping out of plant pots in the dead of night…

Teri: Who instructed me? An online online online instructor instructor instructor, of course!

Natalie: Some short and sweet answers for a change. Kate, what did you glean from it?

Kate ponders over her touch-screen for a minute, then ventures her finger forth. From the side of Beth and Becky, two robotic arms swing in perfect synchronicity, dodging plant pots and weaving through stems to deliver their pastel-pink payloads to their targets. Muffled squawks emanate from behind the pie tins, before they slip away to reveal the damage.

Becky: Yeeughhh!! It’s gone everywhere! My face, my hair…!

Beth: [removes her cream-covered glasses] Some has gone on the plants!

Becky: Huuuh, you and your plants!

Natalie: Oh dear, but are Beth and Becky plants themselves? Kate had better hope so! Why did you pick them to flan?

Kate: I can’t really see it myself – a gardening duo where one of them detests anything to do with gardening! And I can’t see them surviving in a flat together like that – I think Becky would have strangled Beth with a creeper by now!

Clara: [murmurs] You could say the same thing about Nat and Stuart… Anyway folks, just three participants remaining now, and Meghan it’s your turn.

Meghan: How do you deal with difficult customers?

Jodie: I make them do fifty burpees followed by a cold shower. Only joking! Normally the issue is that someone is struggling, in which case I slow the pace and offer some gentle encouragement. We can all achieve in the end, but for some it takes a little longer!

Phueng: There are no difficult customers, only the tortuous pathways that some take on their journey to enlightenment. I agree with Jodie – we have the same destination but we all arrive at different times. Some may take several lifetimes to arrive. Others arrive before they have departed. Some travel without moving. Some merely go for a stroll around the block, arriving back whence they came.

Natalie: Phueng, do you do lottery numbers by any chance?

Teri: I get frustrated by those who fail to realise their KCP…

Clara: Knowledge capital potential.

Teri: Kate, I implore you to reconsider running an online RBSP…

Natalie: Rich bloke seduction programme.

Teri: And why stop at online tuition? You can have audiocasts, books… I can see the cover now – you sneaking into a museum at the dead of night wearing a striped jersey and an eye-mask – “How To Get Your Hands on the Crown Jewels – the Legal Way!”

Kate: DAMN YOU!!

Kate thrusts her thumb into the centre of Teri’s face. When nothing happens, she presses again, harder.

Kate: UGH!! Why isn’t this working?!

Natalie: It’s, uh, not your turn, Kate.

Clara: Meghan, it’s over to you.

Meghan: [sits back, smirking at Kate’s irritation] I think I’m done here.

Natalie: You’re calling it quits? Sure?

Meghan: Yeah, I think so. Jodie, you seem pretty sensible, and you remembered to do a warm-up, so I’m confident you’re for real. Phueng, everything you say is bollocks – that’s a British word I learned from Harry…

Clara: Charming!

Meghan: …And the same goes for every other meditation teacher I’ve come across, so I reckon you’re geninue too. Teri… [frowns a little] …I’m not quite sure about you. You’re pretty obnoxious, even for a corporate type, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Plus you’ve wound up Kate, so I like you for that! So, yep [raises her hands], I’m out.

Natalie: Okay then! Kate, the final fling goes to you. Flan as many of those three faces as you see fit!

Kate takes no hesitation in thumbing Teri’s face, and a split-second later, the mechanical arm is on its way towards the real thing. Instead of a quick slam and release, as was administered to the others, the mechanical arm stays in place to rub the cream in, before pushing the tin to the top of Teri’s head, where it is left to pivot.

A cheers goes around cyberspace as Teri splutters.

Natalie: Wohoo!! She finally got her LODNC!

Clara: Long-overdue deep-nasal creaming.

Natalie: Kate, are you going to dish out last-minute flans to Jodie and/or Phueng?

Kate: [brushing her hands off] No, I’m done. And so is justice.

Clara: Then so are we! Participants, it’s time to reveal yourselves!

Jodie: [removes the outer layer of her name badge] I’m for real!

Phueng: I am at one with reality.

Jaz: For real! Damn that dodgy connection!

Cynthia: [wryly] Kate, you got me – I’m a fraud. Can’t cook for toffee!

Venus puts her hands to the waistband from her blue-splotched panties. A jittery Clara gets a cauliflower emoji at the ready, but Venus merely pulls away the outer layer of her name badge.

Venus: [in a disappointed tone] How could I be anything other than a full-bodied smouldering for-real?

Beth: We’re for real! Our service is proving a real hit – the chalk and cheese gardeners!

Becky: Well the money’s good…

Teri: I’m a CGD – a conscripted game-show decoy. In real life I’m actually a VNP.

Natalie and Clara raise eyebrows.

Teri: A very nice person!

Natalie: Happy to hear it! And what a genuine bunch our line-up proved to be – only two frauds! But how pleased are our contestants with this news? I think their faces tell the story!

Indeed, the contrast between the Kate’s sunny disposition and the thunderclouds over Meghan is plain to see.

Natalie: Good job there, Kate. You got Cynthia bang to rights and your ire towards Teri worked in your favour, but you did come a cropper with Beth and Becky. So, two times five, minus three, gives you… [checks screen] seven points!

Kate: [clenches fists] Ohh yes!!

Clara: Meghan, Meghan, Meghan… Your lost temper against Venus didn’t work out so favourably, and then there was your wrongful flanning of Jaz…

Meghan: Due to a misleading false clue!

Clara: …which means that your score – and you might be interested to know it is the joint-worst score ever seen on Flan the Frauds – is a dismal minus six!!

Meghan pounds the arms of her chair with fists, while Kate laughs all the more.

Natalie: So what does that mean for the overall scores? Let’s take a look!

Kate: [dancing in her chair] Eight-point lead! Eight-point lead!

Meghan: [snaps] This is completely unfair! I was misled by a false clue! [Jabs a finger at Clara] I bet you meddled with that internet connection deliberately to mislead me! This is all a set-up against me – like everything else in the British media!

Clara: [shaking her head, turns to the screen] Jodie and Phueng, congratulations in staying−

Meghan: Hey you!! Don’t turn away when I’m talking to you! I demand that those minus-three points be turned to plus five, because I made the right decision based on a false clue! And I want another five points as compensat−

Clara raises her wrist in Meghan’s direction, and Meghan hurriedly buttons her lip. But she remains seething, and when Clara turns away again, she gets out her phone to text her lawyer.

Clara: Jodie and Phueng, congratulations on keeping your faces flan-free. Here’s something to raise even more of a smile on those faces – the £250 prize is on its way to your accounts! Well done!

The cyber-audience applauds. Jodie does a strongwoman pose while Phueng bows respectfully.

Natalie: Jaz, Cynthia, Venus, Beth and Becky, and Teri – bad luck, ladies, but thanks for playing. And hey, you’ve made history by falling victim to the world’s first remote flannings!

Clara: At least you don’t have far to go to get a shower! You should find your Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry packs, with our compliments, among the items we sent you. Folks, let’s have a round of applause for these great sports!

The viewers duly show their appreciation, while the flanees strike various messy poses.

Clara: Bye bye to you all!

The webcam views disappear, leaving Natalie to take up the entire screen.

Natalie: Whew! Well I have to say I’m glad I don’t have a Flan-o-matic in my flat!

Stuart: [leans into the shot] That’s very true, honey…

Natalie frowns as Stuart holds out his palm in front of her. With the other hand he waves a velvet cloth over the palm.

Stuart: …But we do have a Flan-o-magic!!

Stuart whisks the cloth away to reveal a lemon-yellow pie. Natalie gawps at it for a split-second before he slams it into her face.

Cheers and mirth go up from the online viewers. Clara throws back her head as she howls with laughter, and even Kate and Meghan are royally amused.

Natalie: AAAARRRRGGHHHH!! STUUUARTTT!!! You scoundrel!!

Stuart: [fleeing to the opposite end of the flat] But darling, you did ask for a custard cream!

Natalie: [flapping bits of cream with her hands] Just you wait til I get my hands on you!!

Clara: [clapping heartily] Ohhh!! Great work, Stuart!! Brilliant colour too! [Turns to the camera, still giggling] And it just goes to show that nobody is safe on this show, even at home! Stay tuned to find out who you voted to be sludged, as the duchess duel continues after the break!

It was time was the second half of the results of Its a Messtery, this was eagerly anticipated as views now knew the line up, which included Little Mix star Jade Thirlwall and Countdown star Rachel Riley.

The programme began with the two ladies on screen, along with a third screen which featured former Saturdays star Frankie Bridge. A yellow flashing light began to dance around the screen, before settling on Frankie, revealing that she would be the first to be gunged tonight.

The other two screens faded away and Frankie appeared in full screen view, she was wearing one of her husband Wayne’s old football shirts and smiled and waved at the camera, which then panned down to her feet.

She was wearing a pair of tights which looked to be filled with some gooey substance. As she took them off, it could be seen that one was filled was porridge and the other with baked beans. She slowly took each tight off and then carefully poured any remaining contents over her own head.

Finally, she placed her bare feet in a bowl of mud and wiggled her toes around. When she took her feet out they were covered in mud. Frankie bent down, picked the bowl up and tipped the contents over her head, covering herself in mud. She began to playfully smear it around her face and in her hair, making sure she got as me say as possible.

Finally, it was had been the most random messing so far, Frankie picked up a large chocolate gateau and smashed it straight in her face.

“Thanks for watching me get messy, I’ve been Frankie Bridge, now it’s straight over to Rachel Riley for a special episode of Countdown.

The screen faded to black, before the Countdown theme tune played. As soon as it had finished the screen cut to Rachel Riley who immediately dunked her head in a bowl of oxtail soup.

She removed it again, with soup dripping from her face and hair and said to camera, “I couldn’t quite do it from the clock so hope this is the next best thing”.

She dunked her head in again making sure her face was submerged for a few seconds before coming up to catch her breath. Next, she picked the bowl up and poured the contents straight over her head. Looking disgusted as the soup rained down on her.

She finished by picking up two cream pies and smearing them straight into either side of her face, giggling in the process. She waved as the camera, with soup still visibly dripping from beneath the cream that mounted her face. The picture faded and the screen showed a brief montage of little mix music videos before cutting to Jade Thirlwall.

“Hi guys, and welcome to the It’s a Messtery finale, I’m Jade Thirlwall, and for some reason, I’m about to climb into a sleeping bag filled with mushy peas”.

Jade was wearing a matching pair of silk blue pyjamas, she walked out to the garden and slowly over to where the sleeping bag was. Tentatively, she put one foot in before climbing in and lying down, the starting to roll around. Finally, she was brave enough to pull the hood up on top, which had also been filled with mushy peas, and ensure that her face and hair got a good covering too.

She continued to roll around, getting messier and messier. Finally, she clambered out, dripping in mushy peas. Jade delivered a piece to camera, closing the show and the series. As she did this, one of her housemates shook up behind her with a final jug of mushy peas which she poured straight over Jade’s head.

That concludes this short series of Its a Messtery.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.This story will contain scenes of nudity and/or a sexual nature. 

Welcome to Part 14 of the Tiswas/OTT Charity Revival. I’m delighted to announce that the total is now £3,987,976″ Chris Tarrant announced. “I’d like to welcome back Den Hegarty with an extra addition of News at Den” Chris added.

Den Hegarty bounded back onto the stage and said “Please welcome our latest entrant and we will have a proper News at Den as it’s Denise Van Outen”. Denise bounded on and stripped off her Phantom body stocking to reveal a sexy maroon bikini.

“Hiya Den” Denise said. “Hiya Den” Den replied. Can we have Fiona Bruce and Cathy Newman as our newsreaders please” Den added. The topless and gunge covered Fiona Bruce wearing only a pair of knickers and the topless, gunge covered and basque wearing Cathy Newman walked over laughing. “Look at the bloody state of you two” Denise said “You’ll soon be as messy as this” Cathy replied. “I hope so” Denise replied smiling.

Den lead the laughing ladies over to a table with two chairs behind it. Cathy and Fiona sat on the chairs and Denise lay on her back on the table. “I’ve been in this position loads of times” Denise joked. The News at Den titles ran and Denise opened her legs and yelled “Bong”. Den held up giant cue cards and Fiona said ” There has been a fall in the prices of tomatoes today. They have crashed down” Den threw two buckets of tomato juice in Fiona’s face. Denise did a yoga bridge and yelled “Bong”. “There was the world’s worst joke contest today. I bet they were very cheesy” Cathy said. Den emptied two buckets of melted cheese over her matted curly hair. Denise sat up and cupped her boobs and said a sexy “Bong”. “This is the last ever News at Den” we have been curtailed Cathy said. “More like oxtailed” Fiona added laughing. Den threw 4 buckets of Oxtail soup over the cheering women.

“Now for the Tiswas weather” Denise said. “It is going to be very hot tomorrow with a warm front of porridge coming in” she added removing her bra top. Den, Fiona and Cathy emptied a tin bath of porridge over Denise. She laughed as it engulfed her, totally destroying her blonde hair and turning her into a grey mess. She rubbed it sexily into her boobs and added “There will then be a torrential shower of baked beans” as the naked baked bean and mushy pea Jennifer Metcalfe ran onto join her. Den, Fiona and Cathy rained 2 buckets of baked beans each onto the giggling ladies. They writhed around on the table in the beans laughing.

“And perhaps the heaviest fall of Mushy Peas” this year Denise and Jennifer announced together laughing as half a dozen buckets of mushy peas were thrown over them. Denise spanked Jennifer’s bum and then they swapped places and Jennifer filled Denise’s bikini bottoms with mushy peas. She gave her a wedgie and them ripped her bikini bottoms off revealing Denise’s clean shaven muff. Denise pulled Jennifer to the floor and started stuffing baked beans and mushy peas into her mouth and face then frantically tickling her as Jennifer howled with laugher. Eventually Denise called a halt and rolled over next to Jennifer who then rolled on top of her and stuck a handful of beans and peas up Denise’s fanny. “I liked that” Denise shouted as Den finally called a halt.

Rosamund Pike totally destroyed and naked then wondered on and said”Maisie come and join us”. Maisie Smith tottered on in her heels naked and unrecognizable under all the gunge. The two of them joined Denise and Jennifer sitting on the table. Jennifer beckoned Fiona and Cathy who sat behind them. “There is a special gift for us, I’ve had sent over from London Zoo” said Rosamund and several gallons of a colourless sticky mess cascaded onto them. They all sat there coughing and weighed down by the sticky mess. “Don’t tell me that was gorilla semen” Denise joked. “I expect so, plus there was some Rhino, Giraffe and certainly Elephant in there” Rosamund replied.

Den and the ladies took their bows as the audience cheered. “I just knew you had something extreme in that delivery Rosamund. Just as long as there are no live animals in the other container” Chris joked. “Now can we please welcome our supposed mystery Flanderella Jaime Murray” he continued. A smiling Jaime in her black Phantom gear minus the mask walked on. “What are you going to do for us Jaime?” Chris asked. “Well I’m going to show you how Flanderella entices the Phantom and he shows his pleasure” Jaime said naughtily.

The Phantom walked on and Jaime hugged him. He gave her a pie in the face. She lead him over to a chair and sat him down. Either side of the chair was a load of pies and buckets. Laughing Jaime sat on the Phantom’s lap and he gave her another pie in the face. “You like that darling?” she asked and got the famed double pie sandwich in her face. She slowly wiped the cream off her eyes and both and said “You are such a naughty boy Phantom”. He emptied a bucket of custard over her head. Laughing she slipped her costume off to reveal a sexy bikini.

She pushed her ample bosom into the Phantom’s face and got a pie on each boob. Then she turned and wiggled her bum in his face and got a double pie on her bum cheeks. She pulled the Phantom up and sat down pushing the pies further into her bum cheeks. The Phantom shook his head and helped her up. He put a giant pie on the chair and pushed her down splat onto it and gave her the thumbs up. She opened her legs and lifted the right one in the air sexily as the Phantom emptied a bucket of Salad Cream over her head totally covering her long dark hair and turning it a pale yellow colour. “Would you like me to rub it in?” she asked sexily and the Phantom nodded. Jaime took off her bikini top and rubbed the salad cream erotically into her impressively pert boobs.

“What about my little belly button?” she asked fingering it saucily. The Phantom squirted a bottle of brown sauce onto her stomach and she massaged it into her belly button and down nearly into her bikini bottoms. “Are we going to have an Italian tonight” she asked as the Phantom emptied a bucket of spaghetti over her head. “I hoped for something better than that Phantom” she said seductively coughing as the spaghetti ran down her face. The Phantom picked up a bucket of white Pasta sauce and emptied it over her head totally covering her. Jaime then slipped out of her bikini bottoms showing a neatly trimmed thin dark line on her muff. She bent over the chair and wiggled her bum and the Phantom threw a bucket of custard over her bum.

Jaimie hugged the Phantom and took their bows. “The amazing Jaime Murray and the enigmatic Phantom Flan Flinger ” Chris said walking back on. “I can now reveal that the total is an incredible £4,093.784” he added.

“Now we serve justice please bring on the Tiswas Torture Wheel” Chris said, Maisie and the equally naked and messy Amber Gill pushed the wheel on. “Have I been forgotten about?” Amber asked “Of course not” replied Chris emptying a bucket of Ham and Pea Soup over her head. “That’s more like it” said Amber laughing. Maisie put her hand up and Chris said “Oh of course Maisie” and emptied a bucket of Oxtail Soup over her head. “I was just going to say it was great we had reached £4 million but what am I like” she added giggling.

“There was impersonation of Flanderella and the Phantom please bring the guilty parties forward” Chris said. Rosamund along with the gunged and naked Thandie Newton, Kate Thistleton, Martell Maxwell and Jo Swinson brought forward Daisy Ridley and Emily Maitlis both still in their Phantom outfits. “Definitely put them both on the torture wheel ” Katie suggested. “Sounds good to me” Thandie added. “Plus they take part in The Greatest Show On Legs” Jo suggested. “I’m not getting naked” Daisy stormed. “Okay she can share my final surprise” Rosamund suggested. “I’ll take that instead” Daisy replied as Rosamund smiled.

“Okay then take your Phantom outfits off or we’ll do it for you” Jo said. Reluctantly Daisy slipped out of her Phantom outfit to reveal a swimsuit.

“You could wear a pair of swimming trunks, you are that flat chested” Martell joked. Emily just stood there. “Right let’s get it off her” Thandie said. As Emily screamed the girls got her Phantom outfit off her and she was stood there naked and gunge covered. “Lets throw them in the custard font first” Katie suggested. They dragged a screaming Emily and Daisy over to the font that Claire McCollum had been dunked into earlier in the show. Firstly Daisy was chucked in head first and then Emily was lifted up and Jo jabbed her up the bum as they threw her in alongside Daisy. Both girls emerged from below the custard completely covered throwing tantrums. “Get the little flat chested one” Rosamund said. Martell and Jo plucked the struggling Daisy from the custard font.

They marched her over to the wheel and strapped her on. She screamed as the wheel rose 90 degrees. Jo took the hose and Martell gave the wheel a huge spin. Jo sprayed the recycled gunge up and down Daisy’s body and the overflow tray filled up. Jo and Martell swapped places and Jo gave the wheel a mighty spin her pendulous boobs bouncing as she did so. Thandie, Rosamund and Katie gave the wheel a joint huge spin as Daisy screamed in terror. Martell gave her a couple of sharp sprays of the grey sludge between the legs and in the face as Daisy’s head went under the mush in the overflow tray. The wheel eventually stopped and naked and gunge covered Rachel Burden and Ruxandra Porojnicu ran on and unstrapped her from the wheel. Daisy staggered into Rachel’s arms and held onto her boobs as everyone laughed. Ruxandra hugged her and Daisy whimpered “You smell of pee”. “That’s mine” Thandie shouted.

“Now for the stick insect” Rosamund said as she and Katie pulled Emily from the custard font and strapped her to the wheel. As the wheel rose 90 degrees Martell started to spray her. Jo gave the wheel a huge spin nearly knocking herself out as her boobs bounced into her face. All the girls grabbed buckets and filled them from the custard font and threw them at a screaming Emily. Martell gave her a few sharp sprays between the legs and in the face as Jo gave the wheel another spin. Emily’s head went under the grey mush in the overflow tray as she got a blast right in the face. Another 3 buckets of custard hit her as the wheel finally stopped and she was lowered to the ground. Only to be hit by another 5 buckets of custard one each from Thandie, Rosamund, Katie, Martell and Jo. Rosamund left her custard bucket on Emily’s head and pushed her into Rachel, Ruxandra and Daisy’s arms.

Thandie couldn’t resist grabbing the hose and spraying them all with the grey recycled gunge as they all screamed. “Justice has been served” she shouted.

Chris walked back on and said “Join us after the break for the final part of the Tiswas/OTT Charity revival. We’ll have a couple of late gifts to Rochelle’s Baby Shower, Sheena Easton, Gwen Stefani and Pixie Lott perform a musical number. We have Rosamund, Maisie and Sheena’s ultimate pieing challenge and The Greatest Show On Legs” “Plus my mystery surprise” Rosamund chipped in as they all signed off.

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