Thanks to the anonymous person who commissioned this episode and provided the characters. Will be interesting to see how this goes…

The characters in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.

The shows opens with a camera view from the very rear of the studio arena, showing row upon row of backs of heads, eagerly awaiting the evening’s entertainment. The camera slowly zooms over these heads, towards the stage. On the flanks, we see apparatus laid out, to be used in the all-important games. But it is to the stage’s centre that the camera resolutely zooms, homing in on the infamous sludge pool, the human catapult behind it, and the glittering throne to the side.

This week’s sludge is an ocean-blue colour, with small patches of grey. On top of this, there appears to be something drawn in white, but before the TV viewers can examine it in detail, the camera rises, up the pair of staircases that frame the pool on either side, and towards the illuminated archways.

Lights flash, sparks fly, the audience roars in anticipation. Out of the archways, the presenters make their entrance. Natalie – the tall, busty blonde – sports a strapless and sequinned scarlet gown with industrial push-up action. Her spring-loaded assets wobble as she bounces her way down the steps. Meanwhile, Clara – the sassy and petite brunette – enters the limelight in sporty blue hotpants, crop-top and knee-high boots. The outfit shows off plenty of her smooth, olive skin, as well as a tattoo of a peacock butterfly above her swaggering right hip.

Reaching the bottom of their respective staircases, the presenters converge dead centre at the front of the stage, exchanging a slick high-five.

Natalie: Woo! Hello everybody! She’s Clara Quick!

Clara: And she’s Natalie Lloyd!

Natalie: And welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge, the sensational show with a score to settle!

Clara: Welcome indeed! This is the show that delivers payback with a capital ‘P’, retribution with a capital ‘R’, and justice with a captial ‘J’!

Natalie: And karma with a capital ‘C’!

Clara makes a sideways glance towards Natalie, looks as if she is about to comment, then decides not to bother.

Clara: Shall we get on and welcome the contestants, Nat?

Natalie: Yes, let’s! Tonight in the red corner, we have the pleasure of welcoming our first chap onto the show. His name is Simon Askew, and he’s a 20-year-old supermarket worker from Sheffield!

A young man duly walks out of the red-rimmed archway, greeting the audience’s applause with a brief wave and nod. Standing around 5 foot 8, Simon is wearing a supermarket uniform comprising a shirt with vertical stripes of white and light green, an apron in a darker shade of green, and smart grey trousers. Only the colour of his tie indicates his allegiance to the red corner. His dark brown hair is in a contemporary cut – short back and sides while longer on top, spiked with a little wax – and he has a full but closely trimmed beard. Simon descends the staircase at a relaxed pace and greets Natalie at the bottom.

Natalie: Simon, good evening! How are you doing?

Simon: I’m doing okay, cheers, Natalie.

Natalie: Doing okay, but could be doing much better without this grudge weighing on you! Who is it against?

Simon: [with a world-weary expression] My duty manager, Sarah.

Clara: That would be Sarah Boswell, would it? Let’s bring her on from the blue corner! Sarah is 31 years old. She lives in Chesterfield but commutes to Sheffield, where, as Simon said, she’s a supermarket duty manager!

The audience applauds again as a woman emerges from the blue-rimmed archway. A little shorter than Simon at 5’6”, Sarah is dressed in the same shirt, apron and trousers as Simon, but her tie is blue instead of red. Although the uniform is quite masculine in style, it nonetheless brings out the feminine curves of her figure, which is of average build. Sarah has a round face and dirty-blonde hair tied back into a short ponytail, which would probably reach to her shoulders when untied. She descends the steps in a brisk and purposeful fashion, greeting Clara at the bottom.

Clara: Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge, Sarah! How are you doing?

Sarah: Thanks, Clara. I’m doing fine!

Clara: Doing fine, but how do you feel to hear that one of your workers has a grudge against you?

Sarah: [with a stern look across at Simon] It doesn’t surprise me that Simon says that, but the truth is he gives me plenty of reason to hold a grudge against him!

Natalie: Oh yeah? We’ll hear about that in a moment! But first, Simon, this is your opportunity to sound off about your boss. Make the most of it!

Simon: Oh, I will, Natalie. Just listen to this…

A video-reel commences, showing the bright and airy interior of a high-end supermarket. The camera moves along several aisles until it finds Simon in one of them, wearing the same uniform. He holds a cardboard pallet of soup tins under one arm and transfers them to the shelf with the other.

Simon: [turning his head to face the camera]
I like my job and get on well
With customers and staff.
But when my boss is on my back…

At that moment, Sarah strides around the corner of the aisle. Simon hastily turns away from the camera, and resumes stacking the shelves with earnest vigour. Sarah pauses behind Simon and regards him rather sniffily. A bead of sweat runs down the side of Simon’s face.

Sarah: Chop chop, Simon!

Sarah places another pallet of tins on top of the one Simon is already holding. The added weight throws him off-balance and he staggers about, dropping several tins on the floor. Sarah shakes her head with a withering look and then, without offering any help, strides off.

Simon: [bending down to pick up the tins] …It isn’t such a laugh!

Next scene: Simon at the checkouts, packing an old lady’s bags. Sarah walks by and notices that there is a stain on the end of the checkout, so she puts a cloth in his hand. Simon has to wipe at the stain with one hand while continuing to pack the bags with the other. Sarah then notices a small spill on the floor, so she brings over a mop and bucket. Simon, not having any free hands, has to balance the mop against his body and push it with his foot. Next, Sarah brings a sponge, which she ties to Simon’s waist, and orders him to clean something else. Simon’s gyrations become increasingly clumsy, while shoppers look on in bemusement. Before long, the mop handle hits him in the face, he fumbles the old lady’s shopping all over the floor, and inadvertently steps into the bucket of water.

Simon: [voiceover]
She makes me do four jobs at once,
And calls it ‘multitasking’.
She ought to multiply my wage,
For all the things she’s asking!

Next scene: nighttime and the store is closed. Simon is cleaning out the fish counter. He scoops out a load of manky ice and fishy goo into buckets, pulling a face as he does so. A montage of snippets shows him in various positions – washing, wiping, spraying and polishing – interspersed with shots of a clock progressing through several hours, late into the night. Eventually the counter is spotless (a ‘glint’ effect is applied to the show-reel), and Simon looks worn out but satisfied. Sarah inspects his efforts. She shakes her head and, with a wicked grin, hands Simon a toothbrush.

The clock shows 5 am, and daylight is breaking over the supermarket. Simon is shown scrubbing with the toothbrush at the fish counter, while Sarah stands over him, arms folded and a smirk on her face.

Simon: [voiceover]
I understand things must be clean,
But Sarah’s tough to please.
And sometimes I can’t help but feel
She does it just to tease.

Next scene: Simon, wearing a pair of antlers on his head, pins a sign to a noticeboard, proclaiming “STAFF XMAS PARTY”. After he has gone, Sarah comes along and sees the sign. Shaking her head, she takes it down and screws it up.

In the staff room, a Christmas tree has been put up and a few nibbles are laid out on the table. Simon is pinning a paper chain along the wall. Sarah comes in and, unbeknownst to Simon, follows behind, unpinning the chain while he continues to pin it up.

Simon: [voiceover]
The festive season brings no truce
To Sarah’s heavy hand.
We used to have a Christmas bash,
But last year it was banned!

As Simon turns and looks in dismay, Sarah fixes him with a stern expression. She removes the antlers from Simon’s head and motions him to clear the table. Glumly, Simon begins clearing away the plates of nibbles.

Simon: [directly to the camera as he picks up a plate of pretzels]
Though Sarah isn’t cruel at heart,
Her strictness is too much.
Let’s bring her down off her high horse,
And SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!

Back in the studio, Simon puts on a sympathy-seeking expression while the audience boos at Sarah. She is uncowed, standing with her arms folded and returning an icy expression to her detractors.

Clara: Ooo, boo indeed! Sarah, I understand that a boss’s job is to, erm… boss, but you’re something of a supermarket slavedriver, aren’t you?!

Sarah: Hate to say it, Clara, but the grocery industry is a cut-throat environment these days, and staff need to be resourceful. I’m glad that Simon used the term ‘multitasking’ in his video, because it shows at least something I’m saying is getting through to him. He could do with learning another term, and that’s ‘time management’!

Simon pulls a face at Sarah in response to this.

Natalie: Well you talk about time management, but you had Simon spend loads of time cleaning that fish counter! Was it really necessary to have him scrub away with a toothbrush?

Sarah: [supressing a smirk] Absolutely. I don’t take any chances with hygiene, and a small brush is necessary to get under all the cracks!

Clara: I think you get under Simon’s skin – that’s for sure! And what’s all this about denying your workers a little Christmas cheer?! I know of another boss who did that; his name was Ebeneezer Scrooge!

Natalie: Yeah – bah humbug!!

Sarah: Oh puh-lease! If staff want to go to the pub for a Christmas drink, or book a table in a restaurant, that’s fine with me. I’m not against festive cheer; I am against a big messy party in my staffroom! [Leans into Clara] You need to hear about what happened on FA Cup Final day.

Simon: [looking uneasy] Oh, not this again!

Clara: No no, Simon, I think we do need to hear about this. Sarah, tell us what happened.

Sarah: I will, Clara, but I think you should hear my story from the beginning, cos I’ve got a lot to say about this young man…

Another video-reel plays. This one shows Sarah standing just inside the store’s sliding doors, with the car park visible behind her. She keeps looking at her watch and tutting.

Sarah: [impatiently regarding the camera]
I try to be a friendly boss,
But not the worker’s mate.
And Simon tries my leniency…

Sarah looks behind her through the window. Simon is running across the car park, putting on his apron and tie as he goes.

Sarah: …When he’s always so late!

Simon hurries through the door and makes a breathless half-apology to Sarah. The video-reel then shows the clock through various stages of the day, interspersed with various scenes of Simon. All have a common theme: he isn’t doing much work. In one, Simon is leaning against a partially stacked shelf, chatting away on his phone. Sarah turns the corner and shakes her head. Another scene shows Simon in the canteen. While everyone else is wolfing down sandwiches, Simon has a hearty three-course spread in front of him, which he leisurely eats while others come and go and the clock spins round. Sarah walks into the canteen and puffs in annoyance. Finally, Simon is shown outside the shop chatting to a couple of mates. Sarah stands watching him from the door, her fists clenched in frustration.

Sarah: [voiceover]
When barely has the lad clocked on,
He takes one of his ‘breaks’.
I dread to count the hours lost;
Such liberties he takes!

Scene: Simon in one of the aisles. He looks about himself to make sure sure he isn’t being watched, then undoes his top button and loosens his tie. Sarah rounds the corner, sees Simon, and sighs to herself. Another scene shows Simon stacking shelves with his apron untied and shirt untucked. Sarah watches him, shaking her head. Another time, Simon is sitting at the checkout. In place of his usual tie, he is wearing a huge, colourful bow-tie. He turns to greet who he thinks is the next customer, but his smile fades when he realises it is Sarah standing over him, frowning. In a final scene, Simon turns up for work, waving cheerfully to Sarah as he passes her at the door. At first, everything appears normal, but then the camera pans down to reveal Simon has on Hawaiian shorts and battered trainers.

Sarah: [voiceover]
And when it comes to uniform,
The code makes clear what goes.
But Simon thinks that it’s okay,
To customise his clothes.

Scene: the staffroom. Simon and a few other young workers are sitting around the TV, watching a football match, while they drink beer and eat takeaway food. They casually throw their beer cans over their shoulders, and leave their takeaway cartons – with half-eaten contents – on the table and the arms of the chairs, before getting up to leave. Sarah subsequently enters the staffroom, and stares in disgust at the mess that has been left.

Sarah: [voiceover]
I thought that I was being kind
To let Si watch the Cup.
So how did he repay my deed?
By making ME clean up!

Sarah picks up the beer cans and chucks them in the bin. At that moment Simon returns to the staff room. Looking in through the doorway, he pulls an awkward face and turns on his heel, while Sarah shouts after him. When it is clear that Simon isn’t going to return, Sarah resumes clearing up.

Sarah: [waving a pizza crust at the camera in an annoyed fashion]
He has potential, does that lad,
But also needs a nudge.
A dose of muck will buck him up,
So SLING HIM IN THE SLUDGE!

The video-reel ends. Back in the studio, it’s Simon’s turn to get booed. He protests his innocence to the audience, while Sarah looks smugly on.

Natalie: [mirroring Sarah’s sternness] Well well, Simon. This puts things in a different light, doesn’t it? No wonder Sarah won’t let you have a Christmas booze-up, when you leave all that mess from watching a simple football match!

Simon: Hey, I went back to do the cleaning up – as you saw in the video – but Sarah was already so cross I decided not to hang around! [Sniggers while Sarah frowns at him]

Clara: This isn’t a good time to deflect the blame, sunshine! I mean, some of the things that you’re accused of – being late, spending too long on your breaks – many workers who did that would be sacked by now! Seems that Sarah is actually a very lenient boss.

Simon: She’s exaggerating. I’m normally on time for work, even if I have to run to get there, and there have been – I dunno – two or three times when my break overran by mistake.

Sarah: [shaking her head] Four or five times… a week.

Natalie: And what about not wearing the correct uniform? It’s a supermarket, not a fashion parade!

Simon: Again, once or twice I made an honest mistake, and I didn’t notice because I was working so hard! And besides, Sarah always encourages us to take a creative approach to work.

Sarah: [puffing through her cheeks] The only thing Simon takes a creative approach to is his excuses!

Clara: Well, one thing’s clear: this dispute between you two isn’t going to go away by itself, so it’s a good job you came to Grudge-2-Sludge to settle the matter. Our methods are less formal than a disciplinary hearing, speedier than a tribunal, and make for much better prime-time entertainment too!

Natalie: In order to determine, which of you is in the right and which is in the wrong, we’re going to subject you to a series of difficult, demanding and – we dearly hope – demeaning games!

Clara: Simon, you won’t have time for shirking under our watch!

Natalie: And Sarah, you’ll have to get used to taking orders for a change!

Clara: But trust me, it’ll all be worth it for one of you. Because whoever of you amasses the most points in the three rounds, combined with the audience vote, will be awarded a certificate declaring the grudge settled in your favour. Plus, you’ll bag a fantastic prize!

Natalie: Simon, we’ve already established you’re a big football fan, so how about some tickets for you and three friends, to the 2019 Champions League final in Madrid?!

Simon: [eyes lighting up] Wow! That’d be awesome!

Natalie: We’ll also throw in flights, a four-night hotel stay, and some spending money to help you have a good time! But only if you win!

Clara: Sarah, if you win, we also have a trip to Spain lined up. But we know you prefer sun, scenery and seafood to beer and football, so we’ll be sending you and your family for a week’s stay in the charming region of Galicia. Highlights include the cathedral city of Santiago de Compostella and the beach resort of La Coruña!

Sarah: Sounds wonderful!

Natalie: It will be, but only if you win! That said, we don’t want anybody to be left out, so we’ve organised a trip for the loser too. An unforgettable trip – because your supermarket colleagues will never let you forget it!

Clara: And while the outward flight takes only a second or two, the return journey involves an arduous sea crossing! Come with us and we’ll show you!

Natalie and Clara turn and lead the contestants to the rectangular pool that forms the stage’s centrepiece. Squelching and bubbling noises can be heard as the camera surveys the scene. As revealed at the start of the show, the gunge is ocean blue, with small, irregular patches of grey. The surface has a bobbled appearance, indicating a very lumpy consistency, and glints sloppily under the studio lights. On top, a cartoon fishbone has been drawn using some kind of white foam that stands a good few inches above the surface. Its grinning face points towards the four observers.

Natalie: Yes, it’s the dreaded Sludge Sling! We’ve seen it in action a couple of times now, and by the end of the show, that catapult will be firing again, with one of you two on the end of it! [Looks down with a grimace] And dear me, Clara, could this be the vilest batch of sludge we’ve had so far?

Clara: I think it very well could be, Nat. The appearance speaks for itself, but what the viewers at home can’t discern is the stench of sprats and the hum of halibut wafting up from the depths!

Clara and Natalie wave their hands in front of their noses, pulling faces.

Natalie: We’re very grateful to your colleagues who donated the out-of-date offerings from the fish counter towards our brew! As for what else is in there… you don’t wanna know!

Simon keeps up his cocky manner as he surveys the sludge, while Sarah maintains her stern demeanor, but both are visibly daunted by the sight before them.

Clara: So now you know what’s at stake in tonight’s games! But before we begin, it’s time to give our studio audience their say. Ladies and gents, look in front of you and you should find a keypad. We’re going to ask you vote for the contestant you support – i.e. the one you want to see on that throne and not in that sludge!

Natalie: So if you see Simon as the poor, downtrodden worker, and think that all those dressings-down from Sarah merit a messing-up in return, then hit the red button marked “I side with Simon.”

Simon looks out hopefully to the audience, while Sarah folds her arms and shakes her head.

Clara: But, if you think that Sarah’s patience has been stretched beyond what is reasonable, and that Simon’s sloppy behaviour deserves a sloppy punishment, then hit the blue button marked “I side with Sarah.”

Sarah keeps her arms folded, but now nods with a determined smile. Simon turns on his self-pitying expression.

Natalie: Audience, you have fifteen seconds. Vote now!

The spectators eagerly reach for their keypads.

A buzzer sounds.

Natalie: Thanks very much, folks! The votes are in, they’ve been counted and verified, but for the time being they’re being kept hush-hush!

Clara: We’re going to have to wait until after Round Two to find out how people voted. When the scores are revealed, we’ll take your respective percentages of the vote, divide by five, and add the nearest whole numbers to your scores.

Natalie: In the meantime, we’ve got some great costumes for you to get changed into for the first round! But before heading backstage, you must make the pledge.

Clara: Simon and Sarah, do you pledge to put up a fair and honourable fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Nat and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?

Simon: Sure do.

Sarah: Yes I do.

Natalie: Then let’s have you shake on it – right there in front of the sludge, if you would please…

Simon and Sarah duly face one another, with the expanse of blue goo as their backdrop. Before shaking hands, Sarah can’t resist reaching forward to straighten Simon’s tie, tutting as she does so. Simon casts a weary shrug towards the camera.

As worker and boss shake on the agreement, a camera click sounds, and the picture freezes and turns sepia.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

This chapter is an introduction, and contains no WAM. 

“Good evening, and welcome to the Messy Gunge Grand Prix 2018!”

As the camera swept dramatically around the set, the audience applause died off. A tall, pale, and slim black-haired young woman wearing a long dark blue dress and smirking somewhat cockily stepped through the curtains onto the thick-carpeted front stage. The set itself was surprising small, and styled to resemble a comfortable lounge, with brightly coloured sofas (with designs resembles gunge splats) facing the audience, with a large screen behind a desk with a computer on one side. The curtains surrounding it, however, implied the promise of more to see.

“I’m your host, and mistress of ceremonies, Adeline Becker, here to preview and accompany the Gunge Grand Prix of 2018 for the first time this year.

“We’ll be looking at and getting an introduction to the contestants – maybe even meeting some of them later on! – and playing some games of our own with some lovely volunteers!

“But as much as I love the spotlight and talking to all of you, I won’t be doing this alone: I’d like to introduce my assistant and tech-guru, Megan!”

An attractive young Indian woman dressed, more comfortably and sensibly than Adeline, in dark slacks and a red knit vest over a white shirt, stepped cautiously from behind the curtain, her wide grin doing little to hide her obvious nervousness. With a compulsive gesture she pushed her glasses back onto her face, despite their already being solidly in place, and stepped forward to join Adeline at the front of the stage.

Adeline smiled, and addressed the cameras once more: “Don’t worry – what Megan lacks in stage presence, she makes up for in brains! She’s here to provide statistical information throughout the contest…” – and Adeline’s pleasant smile turned into a smirk once more “-at least as far as she knows, though perhaps she’ll be helping out in other ways as well!”

Megan blinked in surprise, but before she could react any more Adeline turned to her. “Can you give us any interesting facts about the contestants this year?”

Megan coughed. “Uh… well, as you know, there are 128 contestants at the start this year – the usual play-off stages were held in private, with some popular celebrities missing out entirely – even previous winner Kaley Cuoco. At the same time, there’s some contestants here who aren’t so well known as all that – something I hope we’ll get the chance to correct!”

Adeline looked somewhat displeased: “Well, I was hoping for a little bit more passion and hype than that… thank you, Megan. Why don’t you make yourself useful and get to your computer?”

She ushered Megan over to the desk at the side of the stage before turning back to face the audience. “Fortunately, for enthusiasm, I have another assistant. Put your hands together for our correspondent, Waverly Bell!”

A short, blue-haired girl leapt from behind the curtain, her silver top and pink skirt doing little to hide an impressive figure. She bounced – in more ways than one – forward to join Adeline at the front of the set, grin splitting her face.

“Oh… my… god! It’s such a thrill to be here! I’m so looking forward to meeting everyone and getting to see the Gunge Grand Prix from up close and discuss everything that happens! Who will win? What’ll be the surprise losses? This is gonna be incredible! I love watching people get slimed!” She finished her stream of consciousness with a squeal that startled Adeline, though Megan seemed to take it in stride, smiling at the exuberance of the younger woman.

“Yes… well, Waverly here will be travelling as needed to interview when needed. And don’t worry, Wavs – you’ll definitely get the chance to see slimings up close. I can… guarantee it.”

Waverly clapped and bounced in place, her grin seeming to grow impossibly wider, but Megan frowned somewhat, noticing the sinister pause in Adeline’s speech. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide behind her glasses and she leant forward.

“I just realised something – your names would be first and last alphabetically if you were listed with the contestants! Addy-”

“Adeline.”

“-comes before the first contestant alphabetically, Alexandra Scott MBE; Waverly, on the other hand, falls after Victoria Justice!”

Waverly gasped. “But what about you, Megan?”

“I’m pretty close to the middle, but as it happens “M” is the most popular letter for contestants’ names this year, with a full 18. So in a way, we all match the show this year!”

She grinned for a moment, before blushing and closing her mouth with a snap.

Adeline stepped forward again. “Yes, thank you Megan… and Waverly.

“But onto more important matters. Now, our producers realised that some of our contestants this year may be less familiar to our viewers at home, and so we’ve been asked to introduce you to some of them as part of a recurring feature. First off, we three hosts have each been assigned a contestant, and asked to give reasons why you should vote for them. And depending on… ah… that’s not important… in any case, it seems the contestant that I’ve been assigned is… contestant #82, Kira Kosarin!”

Her eyebrows rose. “Well. I mean, I know of her mainly from the Thundermans, but she’s currently in the process of making the crossover into singing – which I’m sure she’ll excel at. She’s already attractive and extremely fit, and the unique thing about her is – as the official gallery pointed out – she may be gunged during the tournament as part of another event – but only if she stays in the GGP that long! Don’t you want to help support a first like that?”

Megan coughed, drawing attention to herself. “My contestant is Camille Hyde, and there are more than a few reasons why you should vote for her. Actually, an interesting fact is that she was in the Thundermans as well, in a minor, recurring role. She also had an interesting appearance in Lab Rats:Elite Forcewhere she played a baby rapidly grown by mad science in what certainly seemed to have been someone’s fetish…”

“I’m not really sure it’s fair to cast stones at people having odd fetishes…” Waverly chirped. Megan blushed, and redirected her conversation.

“Anyway, that’s not really important. One moment…” With a quick frenzy of tapping on her keyboard, Megan brought up an image on the screen behind her:

Camille as the Dino Charge Pink Ranger

“Camille’s most well-known role to date was almost certainly her role as Shelby Watkins in Power Ranger Dino Charge, where she played the Pink Ranger, making history as the first black actress to do so. She’s funny and cute, and Shelby is an aspiring paleontologist, who has this whole arc about trying to impress their ice queen mentor, and it’s so great… Ahem.

“She’s had a number of smaller roles since then, perhaps most notably a role in the first season of the Netflix Original, American Vandal.  I can only hope that her career success will continue and she’ll move on to still greater roles – like other former Power Rangers like Anna Hutchison and her fellow GGP contestant, Rose McIver. Waverly?”

“Hey, I’ve got a pink power ranger too, yay! My contestant is the absolutely gorgeous Chrysti Ane, the pink power ranger from Power Rangers Ninja Steel, and also Instagram, which you should definitely check out to see her incredible butt. Seriously.”

Back at her desk, Megan gasped, and with a few taps, projected an image onto her screen:

“See!” Waverly pointed. “Even Megan thinks that Christi Ane has an awesome butt. No further questions, your honour!”

It was almost possible to hear Adeline grinding her teeth. “This isn’t a trial! Waverly… ugh. Is that your only reason for why we should vote for her? Her butt?”

“No, but it’s definitely a major one. She’s pretty fit in general, and definitely pretty funny – search for more on her, everyone!”

Adeline sighed, and turned to face the audience once more. “Well, that’s our case for supporting three of the contestants, but there are many more in this year’s Gunge Grand Prix. To help introduce them, we have some very special guests!

“First off – three of our contestants are actresses from the Nickolodeon TV Show, Knight Squad, so to help introduce us to them, I’d like to welcome their fellow cast member and our special guest, Lexi DiBenedetto!”

The attractive young blonde walked onto stage, smiling, and crossed over to sit on the sofa.

“Lexi, can you introduce us to Knight Squad and your cast-mates who are in the GGP this year?”

“Of course, Adeline. Knight Squad is something like the spiritual successor for The Thundermans. While that show was a comedy about a family of superheroes, Knight Squad revolves around a group of aspiring young knights. My character, Prudence, is part of the main team, Phoenix Squad, along with Daniella Perkins’ character, Ciara. Secretly, however, Ciara is also the princess of the kingdom, disguising herself using magic so that she can train as a knight.

“Her rival is Sage, of Kraken Squad, played by Lilimar, while Savannah May plays Sage’s friend and minion, Buttercup. Sage is cruel and sarcastic, but Buttercup is sweet and dim, and only seems to go along with things out of loyalty to Sage.”

Megan had been working as Lexi spoke, and now brought up a picture:

L-to-R: Daniella Perkins, Lexi DiBenedetto, Savannah May, Lilimar

Lexi continued: “All of the cast and crew are great to work with, and I just hope that the Gunge Grand Prix is a way for them to start getting some recognition for themselves and for the show.”

“Yeah,” Megan chimed in. “From what I’ve seen during my research, they all seem to be nice people and aspiring actresses who deserve to go on to great things – Savannah seems to be just as bubbly as Buttercup, but not as bubble-brained, Lilimar adds notes of depth and complexity to what could be a flat stereotype of a mean girl, and Daniella has a presence and charisma… you can see why she has the main role. Not to say that you’re not charming yourself, Lexi! You have a definite physicality, and a great way with physical comedy in the show! It’s a shame that you didn’t get through the prelims into the GGP yourself.”

“Eh, I don’t really mind it – I’m glad to have no chance of getting messy, not I’d expect to win even if I had got in.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure,” Adeline said. “All of the rumours I’ve heard about this year indicate it’s going to be far more than a simple knock-out tournament with one ‘winner’ – the existence of this show should demonstrate that!”

Lexi looked a little unsure, nervousness breaking through her professional calm. “I’ve… not heard anything about that. We’ve all been working to break into acting for most of our lives, but we’re still just at the start of our careers, I hope. They’re the three youngest contestants in the whole tournament, so I think they’d just be happy to represent themselves and our show however well they actually do. I’m sure none of them expect to actually win!”

Adeline grinned. “Thank you, Lexi. Now, as you probably know, the majority of our contestants this year are actresses, followed by musicians. So that makes our second guest this evening doubly appropriate, as an actress who plays a singer… Riverdale’s Josie, Ashleigh Murray!”

Waverly shrieked, clapping her hands. “Oh, it’s so great to meet you! I love Riverdale!”

At her desk, Megan was grinning. “The cinematography, the costumes, the colours…”

“Bughead, Choni, Varchie…” Waverly paused, and turned to look at their guest. “But I love your songs too!”

Adeline sighed. “Perhaps we could let our guest talk, and describe the show she’s representing to those who might not be familiar with it?”

“Thank you, Adeline – I’m happy to be here. I thought I was here more to introduce my fellow cast members in the Gunge Grand Prix this year, rather to shill for Riverdale – the third season of which starts this Wednesday, October 10 in the US, and will be available on Netflix on the following day in most international markets – but I’m happy to introduce the show as well if that’s what you want.”

Adeline laughed. “Well played. I understand that Riverdale would be more obviously popular in America due to being an adaptation of the Archie comics, which were never really such a big thing in Europe… but I guess the Netflix license and quick release of the episodes overseas is part of what’s made it such a big hit in other countries as well?”

“I won’t say that didn’t help, but I don’t think it can be the only reason that Riverdale has an 88% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. The Archie comics have a timeless quality to them, and Riverdale is a bold and vivid take on that. It’s been a big enough hit for Netflix for them to develop a spin-off series, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, which is also coming this October.”

“It’s kind of hard to sum up the concept of Riverdale  to someone who’s not familiar with it. A group of teens deal with high school, relationships, and also serial killers, drug runners, bike gangs, and the Canadian mafia?” Megan trailed off. “It is weird, but it knows it is. One of the gangs has this whole aesthetic with driving around in hearses. There’s a spooky nunnery just outside the town that serves as both a gay conversion camp and a prison for fallen women, and it’s called the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.”

Waverly pitched in: “Plus, all of the cast are ridiculously attractive. Even for a CW show… can you get a picture, Megan?”

L-to-R: Lili Reinhart, Vanessa Morgan, Madelaine Petsch, Camila Mendes, Ashleigh Murray.

“I mean, that’s just the younger girls. It’s the rest of the cast as well.”

Ashleigh laughed. “Well, I think that’s the part that’s most relevant, since you can see all of the Riverdale GGP contestants in that picture. Having Lili, Camila and Madelaine in the GGP is appropriate, since the characters they play are the iconic blonde, brunette, redhead trio. It’ll be interesting to see how they do in the competition!”

“I’d strongly advise anyone who wants to see more of these three to take advantage of Google,” Megan added. “There’s a lot of interesting things. Or check out Riverdale – they all play interesting and colourful characters.”

“Betty, played by Lili, is the classic archetype of the girl next door, and Camila’s Veronica is the classic rich girl with a heart of gold,” said Asheleigh. “Madelaine plays Cheryl Blossom-”

“I’m not sure that ‘rich closeted lesbian with quasi-incestuous relationship with her dead twin brother’ is quite so traditional!” Adeline laughed. “Still, it can be fun to watch for the absurdity.”

“Speaking of Madelaine, check her instagram! She’s done a bunch of work-out videos this summer and it really showed off her butt!”

Everyone laughed, leaving Adeline to wrap things up. “Thank you to Lexi and Ashleigh for giving us an introduction to some of our contestants, and I think that’s all we’ve got time for in this section. Almost.

“There is one little surprise for the both of you. Good news/bad news – neither of you may have made the Gunge Grand Prix, but you do get to participate in our little side contest here. Both of you have three cast-mates in the contest, so you’ll be competing against each other based on how they perform in the first round. The loser will get messy – and just how messy will depend on how much you lose by! So the pair of you will have that to look forward to!”

Lexi looked shocked and almost horrified, clearly having thought that not getting into the GGP clearly meant avoiding the mess. Ashleigh seemed to take it in stride, being old enough despite her young appearance to have realised the chances of what a guest appearance on a show called “Messy Gunge Grand Prix” might well involve. Adeline, for her part, merely smirked at the cameras like the proverbial canaried cat.

“Thank you everyone for watching, and join us again after the break!”

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

“Welcome everyone to another International CSWL edition. I’m Bianca Westwood and I will be the host for this specially extended edition.”

Bianca is wearing a blue jacket and trousers, white shirt and blue high heel shoes.

“We are going to be focusing on five international football matches, yes you heard right, five matches which will be played between Thursday and Sunday.”

“The rules are slightly different for this edition. Let me explain! We are going to have 5 of our lovely Sky Sports Newsreaders representing each country in the UK, who will be playing in the following matches.”

Bianca points to a screen, which flashes up the matches…..

Thursday 11th
Israel v Scotland
Wales v Spain

Friday 12th
Croatia v England
Austria v Northern Ireland

Saturday 13th
Ireland v Denmark

“The scoring will be calculated by adding the following 2 elements:-

(1) The number of goals that their country scores in their respective game and;

(2) The results of an online vote, with 0 points for the highest number of votes, 1 point for the second highest, 2 points for the third highest, 3 points for the fourth highest, and 4 points for the least number of votes.

The losing lady will be the one with the least number of points after both (1) and (2) are added for each lady.

“Without further ado, lets bring on the (ahem!) lucky ladies and confirm which country they are representing:
* Jo Wilson (Scotland)
* Vicky Gomersall (Wales)
* Hayley McQueen (England)
* Orla Chennaoui (Northern Ireland)
* Rachel Wyse (Ireland)

Each of the 5 ladies walks on and joins Bianca on stage.

“Welcome ladies. You have all been on CSWL before so you know the score…..”

The 5 ladies nod in unison and smile wryly.

“But at least only one of you will be getting messy this time, so each of you have a 4 in 5 chance of avoiding that fate.”

Bianca turns to face the camera “The online poll is now open, so vote for the lady you would like to see get messy. Polls close at 10pm on Saturday, shortly after the final game is played. Tune in on Sunday, where we will announce the results of the vote and the goals scored, to determine who the unlucky lady will be. Goodbye for now.”

Press F to pay respects to those who fell in round 1.

First off, the winner of the hype contest in all three categories, by default, is terroristpie! Congratulations, you won in the most anticlimactic way possible – by nobody else being able to put an entry in on time! Your prize is going to be just one story since I don’t really see the point of doing three stories about the same person in quick succession.

Second, and what you’re probably a bit more eagerly awaiting: the round 1 results! I’ll not go through them here since they’re all on Challonge, but here are some things that caught my eye.

• Surprise wins for Roisin Conaty and Ellie Taylor mean we have a battle of Brit comediennes in round 2 – if it had gone the other way, we would have had a WWE match-up,
• Anna Kendrick got the most votes in the round at 48,
• The lowest scoring winner was Michelle Wie at 18,
• With that in mind, it kind of feels a bit harsh that we have to lose Steph McMahon, Lexi Thompson, Keeley Hawes, Madelaine Petsch, Becky Lynch and Lillimar Hernandez, who all scored 18 or higher and lost,
• Aside from the obvious one, all the previous winners are through to round 2, meaning a repeat winner is still very much in the realms of possibility.

Full bracket details are up here. Click on “Predictions (17)” to see how well you’re doing thus far if you’ve made a prediction.

The next set of votes will be up next Thursday, and I’ll be bringing snazzy new pictures to the proceedings. Probably ones straight off of WikiFeet or something idk yet.

Just paying my dues!

Following on from fairly successful runs of Figure It Out and Double Dare, Nickelodeon had elected to bring back another classic messy show of theirs: What Would You Do? They also knew just who to fly across the pond to host it: Suzi Harrison. After all, she was just the right mix of energetic, mess-prone and approachable that they were looking for. Suzi had dressed for the occasion too, wearing a pair of red high-tops, black over-the-knee socks and a bright orange mini-dress that clung to her body (“something for the dads”, she figured). She wore an orange band in her rather long and straight chestnut-brown hair just to keep it out of her eyes – even if it might make her face an even easier target for a pie at some point!

The first edition of the show was already in full swing, with various members of the public ending up on the suitably lurid-painted set (which Suzi thought resembled some sort of cross between a graffiti artist’s acid trip and the inside of an epileptic toddler’s colouring book) to do all manners of silly things for a brief moment of intercoastal fame. Right now there was a row of stools arranged on the front of the set, with someone sat on each one. Each of them also had a little yellow post-it note stuck to their forehead.

“…And now we’ve come to our first ever celebrity guest!” Suzi was no stranger to dealing with celebrities, of course, but her heart still raced a little at the sight of one she’d never met before. Besides, while she imagined a lot of them could probably take her in a fist fight, it was very rare for her to encounter one whom she knew had the skills to do so! The audience cheered and whooped as the brunette presenter approached her. “It’s UFC fighter, Paige VanZant, everybody!”

Paige smiled and waved the cameras and studio audience, blushing a little at how silly she looked with a post-it note attached to her face (not illustrated). Her fighting physique was on full display in her UFC uniform – her strong abs making the point that while she was here to have fun, she probably wasn’t someone to mess around with! Still, she wasn’t quite dressed to fight, with her feet in a pair of white trainers with matching ankle socks (also not illustrated).

“Paige, I am so honoured to have you as our first ever celebrity guest! What brings you to the show?” Suzi asks.

“Well, I just wanted to show a bit of a more fun side to myself! Everyone thinks I’m this tough and scary fighting girl, you know?” Paige says with a playful grin.

Suzi nods. “Yeah, I totally get it. So, what would you do? Would you do whatever it says on the post-it, or would you go down one of our old favourites: The Pie Slide?” she asks, pointing over to the infamous, yet simple contraption. The slide itself was true to its classic design but generally bigger, standing at nearly three metres tall and leading into a huge, deep filled vat of what looked like cream and a thorough drizzle of chocolate sauce, with a giant red ‘cherry’ balloon on the top. The outside of the vat also resembled a big, crusty pie dish, just to really sell the idea.

“Pie Slide!” Paige answers immediately. “At least I know what I’m getting into, right?”

“Good point, but you’re about to find out what was on the card, and just why I was so scared!” Suzi says, picking the post-it off Paige’s head and showing it to the camera. “It says, ‘Massage Suzi’s’ – that is my – ‘shoulders for one minute while wearing boxing gloves’.” Paige starts laughing again, mostly at the sheer lunacy that someone actually wrote that and expected her to do it. “Well, I’m glad you’re not going to be pummelling my shoulders, missy! Come on, let’s get you messy!” Suzi offers Paige a hand and walks the fighter over to the pie. “You sit down, take off your shoes, socks and gloves and get ready.”

Regaining her composure a little, Paige sits down on the pie crust and removes her gloves. “I can’t quite believe I’m doing this!”

“Like I said, I’m glad you are!”

Paige laughs again, her face turning more and more red as she undoes her laces and slides her shoes off, quickly followed by her socks. She dumps them in a little pile under the main slide. “Well, this sounds more fun anyway!” she says as she stands up and heads for the ladder, Suzi following behind.

“One thing before you go down the slide – head first or feet first?”

Paige ponders for a moment. There’s a lot of cream in that pie vat, and it’s going to be tricky to wash out! Then again, she’s supposed to be this fearless fighter chick, and what good would wussing out like that do her image? “Face first!” she says as she grabs onto the handrail. Her heart starts to race as she makes her way up the ladder and she really sees what she’s let herself in for. The slide is well-supported, sturdy and doesn’t even wobble or bend under her tough, 52kg body. She just wishes the same could be said for her legs, which begin to tremble slightly as she reaches the peak and gets down on her knees.

“When you’re ready, Paige!” Suzi calls out.

Paige knows that the hostess is trying to be supportive, but she can’t help feeling a little bit nagged as she looks at her fate one last time. The slide itself also seems to be coated in whipped cream – no doubt to make her inevitable descent faster and more spectacular. She shuts her eyes tightly and bends over, her whole body upper lying flat to the surface of the slide. Her hands tightly grip the end of the rails and her elbows are bent just to make sure her launch gets her to the end in one go. She holds her bare legs steady as she takes a momentary breath and launches herself down.

It’s fast.

Too fast!

Splat~

From the top of the slide, Paige couldn’t see that the Pie Slide had a good layer of thick, yellow custard in the bottom, but her front is more than thoroughly acquainted with it now! She emerges from the pie vat utterly covered, her bare soles squelching in the custard. Unable to quite reach her balance, she slips over and falls back into the pie, thick and cold custard seeping into her shorts and all over her legs. It sloshes around a little as she stands up. Paige licks her lips a little, just to confirm the custard, cream and chocolate are all real, which they certainly seem to be. She shivers as she steps out, the sweet dessert dripping from her body. “Ugh…” she shudders as Suzi steps up to her.

“Well Paige, you’re the first person to go down The Pie Slide in this new series of ‘What Would You Do?’. How do you feel?” the pristine presenter asks.

Paige flicks her hands in the air quickly to try and get some of the pie off so she can wipe her eyes. “Cold, sticky, gross…” she says quietly into Suzi’s microphone. “But I said I’d do it and I did it.”

“What was it like?”

“You tell me!” Paige laughs, smearing her pie-coated hands all over Suzi’s face.

Suzi recoils from Paige’s pudding-filled grasp and squeals. “Yuuuuck~! Alright, you go hit the showers, I’m going to get myself some paper towels, and you’re going to join us after the break on ‘What Would You Do?’!”

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

This story contains nudity and sexual references

Welcome to the results episode of this weeks CSWL with me your host Lyndsey Hipgrave 

Lyndsey is wearing the same red mini dress, and high-heeled shoes with her hair curled at the bottom.

I know the result so let’s get on with the show shall we and first up is the Liverpool representative for this evening Tennis ace Caroline Wozniaki.

Caroline is wearing the same one piece dress she had on in the preview show, with black high-heeled shoes and her long blonde hair being worn down.

So Caroline how do you think it went tonight.

Well Lyndsey I think it went good and there is not  lot of mess coming my way.

Thank you for that Caroline now lets move onto our Manchester City representative shall we and that is the lovely Michelle Keegan.

Michelle is still wearing the same white mini dress and black high-heeled shoes she had on in the preview show, with her dark hair being worn down.

And with the result finishing 0-0 we obviously have the special 0-0 forfeit coming up at the en of the programme.

Lets move onto the forfeits shall we for the home team so Caroline will you come over please.

First up is the yellow cards, Liverpool suffered of having just the one so that means it is just one custard pie for you Caroline.

Lyndsey plants the pie into the face of Caroline, coating her lovely facial features in custard.

Now lets move onto the off sides shall we, and Liverpool had 2 here so that means 2 spins of the forfeit wheel.

The wheel is spun and it lands on ‘Milk Bath’

Caroline is instructed to get into the bath and submerge herself for 10 seconds.

Once the 10 seconds are up Caroline is covered in milk coating her legs, and matting her hair.

Caroline then exits the bath and goes over to spin the wheel again for the 2nd time this time it lands on ‘Gunge Tank’

Caroline is led over to the gunge tank where she will be covered in green slime.

Lyndsey then pulls the lever to cover Caroline in the green sticky slime, that coats her lovely blonde hair and her white dress has been turned into a murky green colour.

Now it is time to move onto the forfeits for the fouls committed, and with the 0-0 forfeit in effect we are going to do something a little different today and that is count for every 5 fouls committed we are going to do a forfeit so that is 2 spins of the wheel for you then please Caroline.

Caroline spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Mud Dunk’.

Caroline is led over to the Dunk Tank where she will be dunked into some mud.

Lyndsey then pulls the lever to dunk Caroline into the dunk tank and her now, green slimed covered body, has now been turned into a dark brown colour , turning her blonde hair a mucky brown colour as well ruining her dress and he shoes as well.

Now it is onto Caroline’s final spin of the forfeit wheel and the wheel lands on ‘In The Stocks’.

Caroline is led over to the stocks where there is various buckets of mess waiting to be poured over the hapless Caroline who is now being locked into the stocks.

First up is a bucket of rice pudding, and the rice pudding is being poured all over Caroline’s feet and then up her legs coating them in a mushy white colour.

Next up is a bucket of custard and this is being poured from Caroline’s stomach all over her dress up to the top of her shoulders, and then over the bottom of her back to the top of her back and over the back of her shoulders.

Next up is a bucket of mushy peas, and this bucket is being poured all over the custard and the middle of her body, making it into a congealed mess.

Now finally the final bucket which is a bucket of baked beans and this bucket is being targeted to Caroline’s face and hair and making orange stains on top of the mud that already coats Caroline.

Now finally Liverpool had 2% less possession than Manchester City so we have one custard pie waiting for Caroline, and Lyndsey plants the custard pie into Caroline’s face.

Thank you Caroline we will see you again later for the special forfeit.

Now Michelle will you join me over here please.

Michelle gingerly walks over to join Lyndsey in the gunging area.

First up is the forfeit for yellow cards, Manchester City had 3 of these so that is 3 custard pies waiting for Michelle, Lyndsey plants the first one into Michelle’s hair turning her dark hair into a custardy mess, before grabbing to more pies and giving Michelle a pie sandwich coating her face in yellow custard.

Now that forfeit is over let’s move onto the off sides shall we and Manchester City had 5 of these but we will split these up so for 2 off sides it will be a spin of the wheel.

Michelle spins the wheel and it lands on just like Caroline it lands on ‘Milk Bath’

Michelle then enters the bath and again just like Caroline had to do submerge herself under the milk for 10 seconds.

Once Michelle has done this she exits the bath and goes over to the wheel just like Caroline to spin again.

And just like Caroline the wheel lands on ‘Mud Dunk’.

Is the wheel playing up today laughs Lyndsey as we are getting the same forfeits.

Michelle is led over to the dunk tank, and then Lyndsey then pulls the lever sending Michelle into the muddy dunk tank and coats her white dress turning it a dark brown colour along with coating her legs, face matting her dark hair as well.

Michelle is then led out of the dunk tank, and the forfeits for off sides are now done let’s move onto the fouls shall we.

And again for every 5 fouls committed it is 2 spins of the forfeit wheel.

Michelle spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Gunge Tank’

Michelle is led over to the gunge tank and will be covered in green slime like Caroline before her.

Lyndsey then pulls the lever to coat Michelle in sticky green slime, doming all over her body and over the mud the coats her body already.

Now Michelle exits the gunge tank and goes over to the wheel for the final time and again just like Caroline before her the wheel lands on ‘In The Stocks’.

Lyndsey leads Michelle over to the stocks before locking her into the stocks and brings over the same 4 buckets and contents that Caroline had to suffer.

First up is the Rice Pudding, and again Lyndsey targets Michelle’s feet and legs, pouring the rice pudding over the mud and gunge clad legs of Michelle.

Before picking up the next bucket, which is a bucket of custard and again Michelle’s midsection is being focused on by Lyndsey, pouring the custard over the mud and gunge that already covers Michelle.

Lyndsey then grabs the 3rd bucket and this is the bucket that contains mushy peas, and pours the mush peas over the custard clad midriff of Michelle, turning it into a yellow and green congealed mess.

Before finally picking up the final bucket of baked beans and proceeds to pour the bucket over Michelle’s hair and face coating the mud and gunge that covers her face and hair and adds an orange tinge to it.

That is all the forfeits completed for you Michelle now Caroline would you please join us both over here please, as I reveal what the forfeit for a 0-0 draw entails.

Lyndsey pulls back a curtain to reveal an over hanging beam that both ladies will be strapped into, but before they are strapped in she asks them to strip naked.

Both ladies are bemused by this but do as they are told.

Now that the ladies are stripped Lyndsey straps them in to the over hanging beam to reveal all of their bodies, but they have been washed off a little bit to make it even more humiliating for them so the audience can see their nice boobs and there shaven vaginas with their pert bums on shows as well.

Now that is done Lynsey starts to pick up a bucket before she is interrupted.

Not so fast Lyndsey what do you think you are doing a voice says, before she walks into the room, I am apply the ladies forfeit, she announces no you are not you are joining them up there.

In walks Lyndsey’s co-presenter on BT Sport and a lady that has already been humiliated this series on CSWL Jules Breach.

Jules is wearing a light pink top with a black leather skirt and strappy white high-heeled shoes.

Lyndsey as you know new presenters also have to suffer humiliation, I have been humiliated on this show now it is your turn.

Get out of your clothes will you as you are joining Caroline and Michelle up there.

Lyndsey reluctantly does as she is told, slowly removing her dress  to reveal red matching underwear in a very skimpy red bra and a red thong combo.

Lyndsey then also removes her bra and thong very slowly and strategically places her arms to cover up her modesty, even though it is not going to last very long as she will be in her crowning glory soon for everyone to see.

Now that Lyndsey is naked Jules then leads her over to the over head beam where she is strapped in alongside Caroline and Michelle.

Now Jules and the crew are going to have a lot of fun in dispensing all of these buckets over 3 helpless naked ladies.

Firstly they start with red gunge, before moving onto blue gunge then followed by yellow and green gunge before gold silver brown and black gunge follow leaving all 3 ladies an unrecognisable mess.

But they are not done there and then a bucket of mud is then poured over all 3 ladies making them a brown sludgy mess, before the final 2 bucket are then bought out and they contain pig slop and manure first the pig slop is then dispensed over all 3 ladies and the colour of it is a dark yellow colour, before finally finishing with the manure that leads to all 3 ladies gagging at the foul smell of it.

All 3 ladies are then released from the beam and Jules makes a hasty retreat before they grab her to get her messy and it allows Lyndsey to wrap up the show for this evening.

Thank you for joining me a very messy and humiliated Lyndsey Hipgrave and my 2 guests Caroline Wozniaki and Michelle Keegan and special guest Jules Breach for inflicting the final forfeit for all 3 of us 2 suffer.

And also don’t forget to join Bianca Westwood at the weekend for a very special International Edition of CSWL and her guests, Rachel Wyse, Jo Wilson, Hayley McQueen, Vicky Gommersal and Orla Chennaoui.

I will most likely skip the International Break and will return next weekend with the standout fixture of Manchester United vs Chelsea.

Speech in square brackets is stuff spoken in Japanese but without the hassle of actually writing Japanese. WARNING: This story is much cuter in tone than anything I have ever read or written on here before. If anything, the cake’s the least sugary sweet thing in it!

It was a chilly December, and The Kayotics were the guest act for pop-metal hybrid Babymetal on a tour of Japan. There was something of a language barrier between the two bands, and so they didn’t talk to each other much. At least, that was the case for four-fifths of The Kayotics.

Our story really starts on a Thursday morning on the outskirts of Nagoya. Yumiko was waking up in one of the bottom bunks the tour bus, having lost the previous night’s squabble for top bunk to drummer Kassidy. She stretched and let out a satisfying, yet considerate yawn, expecting to be the first one awake. After all, she usually was! She picked out a pair of fluffy white slippers from the drawer beneath her bed put them on. To her surprise, Becky was already up. “How you say… ‘ohaiyo gozaimasu’,” the blonde guitarist smirked, waving from the kitchen area at the front. She was sat at a tiny dining table, wrapped up in warm clothes from head to ankle.

Yumiko rubbed her eyes. “How are you the first one up? Or am I still dreaming?” she yawned.

“We might be in Japan, but my body clock’s still not left Heathrow,” said Becky, crossing one jeans-clad leg over the other. “Not that I have a great sleeping pattern anyway! So, Babymetal. First show of the tour tonight. Nervous at all?”

Yumiko shrugged her shoulders. “Can we talk after I’ve had my coffee?”

“Suit yourself, Yooms!”

“Cool. Almond milk, two sugars.” With that, Yumiko turned around and headed for the bathroom to brush her long, currently messy but usually very straight, black hair.

Hours passed and both bands arrived at the venue. With the technicians setting up for sound checks, the bands themselves found themselves with little to do for a while. Yumiko had gone to get herself a snack, and soon found someone who looked familiar. “[Oh hey, you must be one of Babymetal!]”

“[Suzuka Nakamoto. A pleasure to meet you!] said the familiar younger singer with a polite little bow. “[What’s your name?]”

“[I’m Yumiko Yamazaki-Green from The Kayotics. Nice to meet you too, we’re all fans,]” said Yumiko, staying remarkably chilled in front of the celebrity. Then again, she was used to it.

Suzuka giggled a little. “[Your Japanese is really good, Ms Yumiko!]”

“[I learned it from my mum. She’s from Yokohama.]”

“[Oh, that makes sense! You’re from England though?]” asked the Babymetal frontwoman.

Yumiko nodded. “[Yeah, the band and I are all English.]”

As she said it, Michelle dragged herself towards the coffee machine in the corner. “Yumi~! I can’t read the buttons!” she said with a loud yawn.

“[As you can see, some of us are struggling to adapt to being on the other side of the world!]” Yumiko chuckled as she saw Michelle struggling to grasp the buttons on the vending machine. “[I’ll be back in a minute.]” She darted across the room. “What do you want, Chelle?”

Suzuka watched at a distance as Yumiko went to the assistance of her rhythm guitarist. It was quite odd to her that Yumiko and Michelle seemed to act more like a couple of friends rather than professional colleagues – very different to how it was for an idol performer. It warmed her heart a little though, seeing Yumiko and Michelle share a brief hug while the machine dispensed the latter’s beverage. “[You’re back?]” asked Suzuka as the two Englishwomen walked over.

“[I am. Ms Suzuka, this is Michelle Massey from my band.] Chelle, this is Suzuka Nakamoto from Babymetal,” said Yumiko.

Michelle just stared blankly at her bandmate. “Mate, it’s too early for your crazy bilingual shit.” She then looked to Suzuka and smiled. “Nice to meet you Suzuka. See you around!”

“Nice to meet you,” said Suzuka as Michelle left. “[You two seem really close.]”

“[I guess! The founding members of the band are me, her and Rebecca. She’s the one with the yellow hair,]” explained Yumiko. “[What about your band? Aren’t you friends with the others?]”

The Babymetal singer shrugged. “[Well yes, but not like that. We’re more like colleagues. We don’t spend a lot of time together when we’re not doing things as a band.]”

“[Not even special days like birthdays and such?]” Yumiko raised an eyebrow. Suzuka was now twenty, and the other two “faces” of the band Moa and Yui were both eighteen, and they had been working together for over half a decade already – about as long Yumiko’s own band had been together.

“…Not even birthdays and such,” Yumiko fed the rest of the band the translation of her words after the show over a few drinks back on the bus.

Letitia Piers was the new girl of The Kayotics and the only one who wasn’t a rock chick. Rather, she was better known as a jazz pianist and organist who had somehow made enough money doing session work that she was willing to make her experimental temporary replacement job into a permanent position in the band. “Wow,” she smirked, moving some of her wild curls out of her dark face. “I’ve worked with some pretty rigid ensembles before, but that takes the cake.”

“Birthdays. Cake. Nice one!” giggled Becky.

“That wasn’t a deliberate pun,” said Letitia.

Yumiko shrugged. “But it does give me an idea. Suzuka’s birthday’s on the 20th, and we have the day off in Tokyo then. Why don’t we make her a cake?”

The cake wasn’t the greatest, and most of the job had been left to Michelle and Yumiko. Knowing how much of an anarchist Becky was, the quintet made up a batch of chocolate cake batter and didn’t even bother to stop the perky blonde from using it as ammunition in some sort of combat ritual with Kassidy. As soon as the first drops started flying, Letitia very wisely sought refuge by heading into Tokyo with the tour manager. Michelle and Yumiko bravely started fresh, hoping to avoid taking too much collateral damage in their bandmates’ little sweet skirmish. As Kassidy grabbed a couple of cans of whipped cream to defend herself with, the two bakers put their cake into the oven and sought cover. By the time the cake was finished, the four Kayotics that had stayed behind were in varying states of messiness. Yumiko and Michelle were mostly splattered with tiny bits of chocolate batter and whipped cream, resembling some sort of abstract art. Becky and Kassidy were more thoroughly covered, and so stayed behind to clean up both themselves and the inside of the tour bus while the bakers delivered their cake.

Yumiko sent Suzuka a message to meet her and Michelle in the hotel lobby. The two Kayotics barely bothered cleaning up or changing; instead, they opted to walk over in their once-black hooded tops and blue jeans. Yumiko was wearing a pair of purple Doc Martens, while Michelle opted for some low-top sneakers. Yumiko carried the cake, while Michelle carried an acoustic guitar. As they entered the hotel, they saw Suzuka, flanked by bandmates Yui and Moa. “[Ms Suzuka,  Ms Yui and Ms Moa! Thank you for coming to meet us!]”

“[What’s this about?]” asked Suzuka, before having her eyes drawn to a pair of big golden candles, shaped like a 21, sitting on top of the cake. The cake was pretty big – easily 15 or more centimetres across. The chocolate icing had been heaped on generously and somewhat hastily, giving a somewhat uneven but generally thick coating on top. Michelle had scrawled “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUZUKA” in white lettering rather hastily  Suzuka’s eyes widened in surprise. “[For me?]” she gasped. “Thank you, Kayotics!”

The five of them found a table to sit around, Michelle sitting a little bit back to make room for her guitar. Yumiko sat across from Suzuka, with Yui to her left and Moa to her right. “[Sorry that it’s a mess, but we’ve never tried baking on the tour bus before. Plus, Becky’s kind of crazy, so that only made it tougher!]” Yumiko blushed.

“[No, no! It’s fine! I’m flattered that you made this!]” beamed Suzuka

Yumiko picked the 1 candle off the cake and held it to the tea light to ignite it, then held it to the 2 and put it back in its rightful place on the cake. “Music please, Chelle!”

“One… two… three… four!” Upon Michelle’s count and with the backing of her guitar, Yui, Moa and Yumiko sang Happy Birthday for Suzuka. The birthday girl blew out the candles with one strong breath. As Yumiko pulled the extinguished ornaments from their mire of chocolate frosting, Suzuka felt a hand grab the back of her head. Before she could react, she felt her head shoot forwards… downwards…

It soon became apparent to Suzuka just how generous the layer of frosting on top of the cake really was. She barely had time to shut her eyes as her face hurtled towards the messy brown dessert, impacting upon the soft and sloppy topping with a splatter. Suzuka squealed in surprise as her features immersed themselves the sticky sweetness. Her head finally free of some anonymous grasp, she sat up, jaw agape. “[Who did that?]” she demanded as she wiped her eyes with an impressively manicured finger. She opened her eyes, only to find it didn’t help much as most of what she could still was still cake and topping. She could just about see Yumiko in front of her, mouth in front of her face, struggling to hold back the urge to burst into laughter. To her right was Moa, phone in hand, snapping a photo. To the left, Yui wasn’t even trying to hold the laughter back and had burst into a fit of giggling.

“[Tasty?]” asked Michelle, using up about a quarter of the Japanese vocabulary she had learned in a single word.

Suzuka licked her finger clean. “[It’s actually really good!]” she gasped. She then scooped up the ruined cake and threw handfuls of it at the other four women. “[Try it yourself!]” Her aim wasn’t great, but she did manage to score some hits on Yumiko, Yui and Moa’s faces.

Yumiko flinched and squealed as a particularly goopy piece of cake splattered on her right cheek. “[Is this the point where you’d traditionally say ‘let’s eat’?]”

Later that evening, Yumiko’s Photogram page achieved its most popular picture to date – a photo of the remnants of an already messy chocolate cake, the five young women who were responsible for its creation and destruction, and the aftermath – mucky faces, messy clothes and big smiles. The description read: “It was Su-metal’s birthday today, so @michellemasseyguitar and I made her a cake… which Yui-metal promptly planted Suzuka’s face in! It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. #cake #birthday #tourlife #tokyo #japan #babymetal #kayotics”.

If I can be bothered, I might do a play-by-play of Becky and Kassidy’s mess fight.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

(This story contains nudity)

“Welcome back to this edition of International CSWL.” Bianca opens the show, wearing a blue trouser suit, white shirt and blue high heel shoes.

“We have a bumper show for you this evening, and one unlucky Sky Sports newsreader will be getting a little bit messy.” Bianca winks to the camera, as she walks over to the dunk tank.

She shows the camera the green gungey surface. “Its green, it’s gunky and it’s disgusting!”

Bianca pulls a disgusted face as she looks at the murky green gunge, and walks to the centre of the stage.

“Let’s bring on our competitors. Jo Wilson, Vicky Gomersall, Hayley McQueen, Orla Chennaoui and Rachel Wyse.”

The ladies walk on and stand next to each other, facing Bianca.

“Welcome ladies. We already know the football scores, but let’s take a recap now. Remember it’s a point for every goal the ladies respective country scores”

Bianca points to a large screen which flickers into life and displays the following-

Scotland (Jo) 1
Wales (Vicky) 1
England (Hayley) 0
N. Ireland (Orla) 0
Ireland (Rachel) 0

“A very low scoring affair across the 5 teams, with only 2 goals being scored between all of them. This puts Hayley, Orla and Rachel currently sharing bottom place, but it’s still all to play for as we add on the points from the online voting.”

Hayley, Orla and Rachel look decidedly nervous.

“On to the voting then. I am overwhelmed at how many votes were received, so thank you viewers for taking the time to vote.”

“In fifth and last place was Rachel who gets 4 points. In fourth and third place was Vicky and Orla respectively, so they get 3 and 2 points respectively. It was very close between the top 2, and I can tell you that Jo received the most votes with 35% and gets 0 points which means Hayley came second with 30% and gets 1 point. Lets add those points to the goals scored, and see what we get?”

Bianca points to the large screen again which shows the overall scores.

Scotland (Jo) 1 + 0 = 1
Wales (Vicky) 1 + 3 = 4
England (Hayley) 0 + 1 = 1
N. Ireland (Orla) 0 + 2 = 2
Ireland (Rachel) 0 + 4 = 4

“Very interesting! This means that we have a tie for the least number of points. That being 1 point which both Jo and Hayley scored.”

Jo and Hayley look a little aghast and then look at each other, and then take a nervous glance at the dunk tank.

“As much as I would like to get 2 ladies messy, we only really have time for 1, so we will have a tie breaker to decide which lucky lady will be getting gunged.”

A large spinning wheel is brought on which has 12 segments, each with a football match statistic e.g. number of corners, possession %, shots on target etc.

“I am going to spin the wheel and whichever segment it lands on, will determine the match statistic that we will use for the tie breaker.”

Bianca spins the wheel and all eyes watch as it finally lands on a segment called “Number of fouls committed.”

Bianca looks down at her clipboard and finds the appropriate piece of paper.

“Ah, here it is. I can tell you that Scotland committed 8 fouls in their game. Meanwhile England committed a massive 14. Therefore as England played a lot dirtier than Scotland, it means that Hayley will be the losing lady and the one getting dirty!”

Hayley looks devastated as she drops her head in disbelief at the news. The other ladies, particularly Jo, are jubilant and give each other high fives.

“Well Hayley, how do you feel about being the loser?”

“Not that great to be honest. I really don’t want to go in the gunge, it does look really disgusting.”

“I am afraid you have no option Hayley. As you know, we have also been asking the viewers to vote for an outfit for the loser to wear when getting gunged, so I will now reveal the results of that.”

Bianca pointed to the screen again, and it flashed up with the voting results.

Bianca smiles as she turns to Hayley. “In a very close vote, it would appear that 31% of the viewers want to see you in a sexy French Maids uniform!”

Hayley’s mouth is slightly open at this development and starts to slowly shake her head in disbelief.

Two stagehands appear and escort Hayley off the stage to get changed into the outfit.

“Ladies, whilst Hayley’s getting changed, do you want to help me with setting up the first part of the messy experience for Hayley?”

The 4 ladies nodded and started to help Bianca set up a nearby table and place some exceptionally creamy custard pies on top of them.

“These have come straight from the fridge so they are nice and cold for Hayley.”

Jo commented “I’m so glad it’s Hayley and not me”

Vicky joined in “Hayley’s used to being on CSWL so I don’t think she will mind too much. Hey Bianca, do you want any help in pieing Hayley?”

“Yes please! I was hoping you would all stay and help me. If I have got my sums correct, then I think we have 2 custard pies each.”

Rachel smiles “Gosh, she’s going to get completely covered.”

Orla agreed “Yes, I’m mightily relieved it’s not me this time!”

Bianca turned to the camera “We’re going for a short advert break. Please join us again in a few minutes.”

….

The show returned after the advert break to see Hayley walking back on stage to lots of applause and wolf whistles from the audience.

Hayley is wearing what can only be described as a very saucy French Maids costume, with a very short and skimpy black dress, a short white apron, black stockings and suspenders, and black high heel shoes. The dress is so short that it gives a generous view of Hayley’s bare thighs above the tops of her stockings.

“Very sexy Hayley! Before we dunk you in the tank, we have a little extra surprise for you.”

Hayley looks around, as Bianca and the other 4 Sports newsreaders surround her holding 2 custard pies each.

Hayley closes her eyes and waits for the inevitable.

The first pie is splatted on top of Hayley’s head and results in custard and cream streaming down her lovely long blonde hair. Two pies are then used to sandwich her head, as Hayley lets out a squeal as she feels the coldness of the sticky dessert.

The back of her dress is pulled up slightly to reveal a skimpy pair of black knickers and three pies are slapped onto her knicker-covered bottom. The front of her dress is then raised and two pies are splattered on the front of her knickers. Hayley’s eyes widen as she feels the custard seeping through the knickers material and getting through to her most sensitive areas.

As Hayley wipes the excess custard and cream from her knickers, she is taken by surprise when Jo and Orla pull down the top of her dress to reveal her naked buxom tits. Bianca acts quickly to smush the final two pies onto them and smear them around to ensure Hayley’s tits are entirely smothered in custard and cream. The ladies giggle as Jo and Orla pull Hayley’s dress up again to its original position.

Bianca is beaming “Well that was fun. Now onto the main event. It’s time for Hayley to get dunked.”

Hayley is asked to lie down on the floor, and Bianca secures the end of the bungee rope to her ankles. The other end of the bungee rope is fastened to a mini crane, and the crane begins to hoist the rope up, which means Hayley is also hoisted up. The crane pauses its movement at the point Hayley is completely off the ground, with her blonde hair touching the floor.

Bianca kneels down and catches Hayley’s bewildered attention. “How does it feel being upside down Hayley?”

“It feels really weird, and as you can see I am having to use my hands to hold my Maids dress in place.”

Bianca stands up again and waves her hand. The crane begins lifting Hayley higher until she is 6 foot higher than the dunk tank. The crane then moves Hayley horizontally until she is directly above the centre of the tank.

“Hayley is now in place. I think we’ll have a countdown, and on zero, the crane will start to jiggle up and down which will start the bungee.”

“5…4…3…2…1…0”

Hayley squealed as the crane started to do short and quick movements up and down, which made the bungee rope bounce up and down, together with the ankle tied Hayley. The motion of the bungee rope meant that with each movement of the crane, the rope lengthened slightly more and dropped Hayley ever closer to the surface of the gunge.

The audience wildly claps as Hayley struggles to keep her dress in place. She is now more concerned that the top of her dress would be pulled down to reveal her tits again, so Hayley desperately clutches to the top of her dress to keep it covering her tits. This meant the bottom of her dress was reacting to gravity and became bunched up around her waist, revealing her custard soaked knickers.

Hayley lets out a loud squeal as her head lightly touches the gungey surface for the first time and she feels her long blonde hair go into the gunge. The audience claps even more wildly as they observe the sexy sight of Hayley being gradually bungee jumped into the dunk tank, and after another 10 jolts of the crane, Hayley was being completely dipped into the gunge every time the bungee rope extended.

Hayley becomes quickly covered in the disgusting green slop as she is continually dipped.

Bianca was smiling as she commented “Hey, I could watch this all day. It’s so funny seeing Hayley getting continuously gunged!”

Hayley was spluttering every time the bungee jump pulled her back out of the tank, and Bianca waited for another 3 dunks before calling for the crane to stop and return Hayley to the stage floor.

Hayley let out a sigh of relief as she was moved horizontally and then lowered. Part of her relief was that she had managed to keep her modesty, and had successfully prevented the top of her dress from falling down and revealing her tits.

Hayley was lowered until her head was just above the stage floor.

Bianca knelt down again to talk to Hayley “I hope you enjoyed that Hayley, because I’m sure all the viewers did!”

Hayley didn’t reply, as the gunge dripped down her body.

“I am curious, but did the gunge get everywhere?”

“What do you mean?”

Bianca smiles wickedly and reaches for the top of Hayley’s dress and pulls it sharply upwards which frees Hayley’s naked tits.

Hayley looks shocked as Bianca surveys her bare chest “Yes, it has got everyehere, your tits are all green and gunky!”

The audience roars with laughter as Hayley tries to retrieve her dress. However she was not quick enough as Bianca stands up and pulls Hayley’s dress and apron upwards and out of the reach of Hayley’s hands. Bianca continued to pull the dress and apron upwards until it was completely off Hayley, and ripped it down the middle so she was able to remove it from around the bungee rope, and tosses both garments onto the floor.

Hayley was now topless wearing just stockings, suspenders, knickers and high heel shoes. She quickly grasped her tits with her hands to cover them.

“Thanks for that Bianca!” was the sarcastic retort from the embarrassed sports newsreader.

“It’s my pleasure Hayley. And more good news for you, we have some more time to dunk you again.”

“Hey, you can’t be serious?”

Bianca tutted and moved behind Hayley and pulled her arms behind her back, took out a pair of handcuffs from her trouser pocket and swiftly handcuffed her hands.

“I am serious, and because of your dissent, all the viewers will now get to see a lot more of you.”

As Hayley was coming to terms with her large tits now on full show and not being able to do anything about it, Bianca picked up a pair of scissors and cut through the sides of Hayley’s knickers do that she was able to whisk the garment away from her body to reveal her shaved muff and juicy bottom.

“I can’t believe you are doing this Bianca. I’ll get you back for this!”

Bianca just smiled as the crane began to hoist the upside-down stripped and handcuffed lady up and then to the side until she was directly above the tank again.

The crane began its jolting movements which started the bungee. Hayley was completely helpless as her large tits jiggled about uncontrollably as she was bungeed into the gunge below. Her stockings glistened as they became even more deluged with gunge.

“You do look funny Hayley, with your gungey tits and bottom wobbling about all over the place.”

Hayley went fully into the gunge 10 times, until the crane stopped, and gently lowered the 38 year old sports newsreader to the stage floor.

By this point, Hayley was absolutely drenched with gunge. Her blonde hair was matted and large gunky drips fell from her hair onto the floor.

The bungee rope around Hayley’s ankles was untied so she was able to stand up normally.

The messy and bedraggled sports news reader composed herself as she got used to being upright again.

“Can you uncuff me please?”

“Yes I will, but let me do this first….”

Bianca picks up a nearby bucket and throws its contents at point blank range at Hayley’s front. Hayley sighed as her tits get another coating of thick green gunge.

Meanwhile, Orla had picked up another bucket and walked behind Hayley and lifts it above Hayley’s head and upturns the bucket. More green gunge splatters down onto Hayley.

Bianca then walks behind Hayley and uncuffs her. Hayley immediately uses her left arm and hand to cover her tits, and her right hand to cover her muff.

“Thank you Hayley for coming on the show, you are now free to go and get cleaned up!”

Hayley mumbled something inaudible as she walked off the stage leaving a gungey trail behind her, with the audience cheering appreciatively.

Bianca faces the camera “I hope you all enjoyed seeing Hayley getting pied, gunged, stripped and handcuffed. After all that excitement we are going to take another advert break, so please join us again in a few minutes where we will have the concluding part of tonight’s show……”

Hi all

Sorry it has been a while, but work/social commitments have taken over in recent weeks. 

Anyway Vikki is based on a nomination i received a little while ago. Whilst Natasha is someone I know and may eventually get her comeuppance, well that’s what’s intended anyway! 

Hopefully you will all enjoy this. It’s a departure to my previous ones, different time stamp that’s for sure. Trying to not get too samey, which is increasingly difficult!

Enough waffle. Enjoy!

R

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

Vikki always had to try and look her best. Working as an aspiring make-up artist/hair stylist meant she always had to look presentable, who would trust someone with their hair if they didn’t look great themselves? She was 29, 5ft 9 with brown hair and eyes. Her hair fell to shoulder length but she often kept it in a pony-tail whilst working. Her figure was petite but not overly thin. She had delicate features, a soft rounded chin, small nose with dark sculpted eyebrows and was naturally pretty; even though she was a make-up artist she rarely had to use it excessively on herself to be attractive. Her nails were always perfectly kept. She was fun to be around and didn’t take herself that seriously despite her natural beauty. Down to earth and always up for a laugh and joke with her colleagues and clients.

She had worked hard to get her position at work. Despite being a single mother to two children; Alex 9 and Sophie 6, she had worked her way into a managerial position at a famous hair salon. The result of this was she didn’t get to see as much of her children as she really wanted. Fortunately, she had great support from family and friends to fill in when she was working late. One of these friends was Natasha. Tash was 26, naturally blond with hair which cascaded to her shoulders.5 ft 5, small physique with tight hips and surprisingly long legs. She had a big beautiful smile with bright white teeth which she often flashed as she was an absolute hoot to be around. A true pocket rocket in every sense of the words, she was a bundle of energy and always up for fun and had a really wicked sense of humour. She often looked after Alex and Sophie whilst Vikki was working and they absolutely loved her, she was like a second aunt. They often watched CBBC together. Kids TV was in its heyday and Get Your Own Back was something they always tuned into on a Wednesday.

The credits rolled on another series. A message flashed up, they were looking for new contestants for the next series.

“Do you think we could get your mum onto this show?” Tash casually asked the kids with a grin on her face. “Looks like fun!”

“Ummm, I don’t know” Alex replied “I doubt she would want to, but I really want to go on!!!”

“I think I could win her around if you managed to get through, I’ll speak to her” Tash replied. “Let’s write something and see what happens!”

They spent the next afternoon coming up with ideas for their letter. Vikki was a great mum so it was quite hard to do. Tash also knew it would have to stand out as she was sure that the show would have huge numbers of applicants. They finally settled on the hairdressing/stylist theme, with accusing Vikki of trying out make-up and hair cuts on poor Alex.

Dear Dave

I want to get my own back on my mum Vikki. She is a hair and make-up stylist and is constantly brings her work home. She is always trying things out on me and putting make up and even nail polish on me. I’m fed up with it so please Dave, let me dunk her!

From Alex

Aged 9

Tasha posted it off to the PO box though didn’t really expect anything to come of it. She didn’t bother talking to Vikki, she didn’t think it would actually be selected.

The call came completely out of the blue to Vikki one day at work. A lady called Cathy who worked as a manager at the BBC. She and Alex had been selected to potentially appear on Get Your Own Back. Vikki was caught completely unawares; she hadn’t applied for this or even knew that Alex had. Most of all she had no actual idea what Get Your Own Back was, she didn’t really keep up with kids TV.

“We can come and meet you next week if you are free?” Cathy inquired.

“Ummm ok then” Vikki cautiously replied. She really didn’t know what it was all about. She headed home to interrogate her children.

“I KNEW that you’d have a hand in this!!” Vikki accused at Tash as she got home

“What do you mean?!” Tash innocently replied

“I’ve had someone on the BBC on the phone today, apparently i’ve been selected for Get Your Own Back, whatever that is?!”

Tasha and Alex instantly burst out into hysterics. They couldn’t believe it. Vikki laughed along with them, clearly they had been up to no good whilst she worked away.

“So what is it then?!” Vikki demanded

“Well….So it’s a TV show…Where kids get their revenge on adults who annoy them by gunging them if they win!”

Vikki’s eyes widen and she shakes her head. She knows what gunge is from Noel’s House Party.

“Oh great, thank you very much!” She replied with sarcastic dismay “You got another thing coming if you think I’m getting gunged!” She continued

Alex and Sophie looked disappointed. Tasha interjected

“Come on it will be fun, it’s not that bad! You get to spend the day with your kids and you get to go on TV which not many people get to do!”

Vikki mulled this over. She really didn’t get to spend lots of time with her kids and going on TV would potentially be fun. She didn’t really want to get messy though, she did have an image with her clients but then again, it couldn’t be that bad.

“Ok then” She reluctantly agreed

“But I won’t forget this Tash!” She laughed with her friend. Tash flashed one of her wicked grins. She has no idea she thinks to herself.

The following week Cathy and a small production crew come to visit them all. They interview both of them and like the chemistry between the kids and Vikki. Tash is also there, cheerleader in chief, adding jokes and witty remarks, loving the situation she had stuck Vikki in.

They film a final scene, Alex was sat on a stool with Vikki looming over with her hairdresser scissors.

“Please Dave, give my mum her own makeover, and DUNK HER!”

Vikki pulls a shocked expression. It wasn’t completely mock however, it was genuine.

“What do you mean by dunk?!” She asked Cathy after the cameras stopped rolling.

“Oh, well we have something called the gunk dunk, it’s our gunge tank” She replies

“If you lose it’s quite a messy ending, you know that right?”

“Oh ok, yes” Vikki replies with apprehension, she really hadn’t considered how the gungings happened, only that they did. She felt it was far too late to pull out now, they had spent the afternoon filming her and Alex. Her kids would be disappointed now, she had promised them a day together and to go on the show.

“We’ll see you when we start filming” Cathy chirped. “Will be a few weeks’ time. Just bring some trainers, we’ll provide everything else to wear”

The days seem to roll by in a flash and before she knew it the big day had arrived, she really was still in the darkness about what awaited her. They traveled together to the studios and Tash came along with them, there was no way she was going to miss out on seeing the show in person and potentially her friend getting messy. She was ribbing Vikki throughout the journey.

“Ohhh, you better be ready to get messy!” She mocked. “Alex is defo going to win”

Alex cheered, he couldn’t wait to play the games, he was going to give it his all and win. Even if he didn’t, it would be a fun day with his Mum and Tash.

Cathy greeted them at the studio reception and showed Vikki to the changing rooms. She gives her a Yellow GYOB t-shirt with the letters GYOB in white on the top left sided, it was quite baggy made with stiff cotton. She was also given some grey jogging pants with elastic at the ankles. Again these were baggy even though they were size small, mainly due to Vikki being quite small herself. She changed into these and looked herself up and down, it wasn’t the most glamorous she had ever looked though she hoped it wouldn’t get any worse than this. She tied her hair back into a pony-tail; it would be a good idea to try keep the hair away for the games Cathy had advised.

She met her opponents Greg and Ben outside the changing room. Greg was a balding 40 year old train driver and Ben his son was trying to get his own back on him for singing badly. Pretty dull she thinks to herself. He was given a similar uniform but red in colour instead. Cathy leads them to the main studio and proceeds to give them a tour.

The set is large with a fairground theme. There is a coconut shy, waltzer carts and a mock fun house frontage. But what she immediately spots at the back in the middle is a pool with a black chair suspended above it. She cannot see inside but she can guess what is there. Emblazoned on the walls of the pool in bright red letters with drips coming the bottom “GUNK DUNK”. It wasn’t what she expected at all, this wasn’t just an ordinary gung tank, and this was a far more elaborate contraption. Above the seat also appeared a huge metal hopper with 3 separate compartments leading into the single hole. “Snot/Custard/RAW”. She had a better idea now what she had let herself in for, nerves starting to jangle, she really has to win she thinks. I can’t go in there.

Cathy leads them over to the tank, the walls comes up to her waist. She can now look in and see the gunge. It’s mostly green with yellow and red splodges. Viscous and shiny with the studio lights, it looked incredible thick and slimy, she shuddered at the thought of having to go into it. Tash bounds over with a huge grin on her face.

“Looks epic doesn’t it! You’ll love it!!Haha!” She babbles. She had never seen the gunk dunk close up and was amazed by it. She would dearly love to see her friend in it, but was also intrigued by it herself, she wondered how it would feel in there. Her daydreaming was broken by a huge booming laugh, it could only be Dave.

“Weeeelcome! How is everyone?!” he boomed. “Admiring the gunge I see! One of you will be well acquainted with it soon haha!”

Full of energy, already making the kids laugh and Tash laughed with them. She half wished she could be on the show, but she was certainly going to enjoy her best friend being on it. Vikki laughed along but was much more uncertain.

The show begins.

“And on the yellow team we have Alex!”

Alex runs on from the side with a big grin and waving.

“And who do you want to get your own back on Alex?”

“My mum Vikki!”

Vikki runs on from the same side, the spot light on her, a big nervous grin, laughing and waving. The crowd boo as she makes her way to the middle.

“Now Vikki, you give poor Alex haircuts and even put make up on him, what do you say for yourself?!”

She didn’t know how to reply

“Well, his hair always looks good, he should be grateful…it would be so unfair to gunge..”

“HUSH” Dave replies. “too late for sorries now, follow me!”

He leads them all over to the gunk dunk.

“So here’s what’s going to happen, we’re going to play some amazing games and our young children here will try and win points whilst their adults try and stop them. Ultimately it’s the child with the most points that gets their own back by throwing their adult into this gunk! So who’s it going to be, will it be Greg or will it be Vikki?”

The camera cuts in on her face, full of genuine nerves, biting her lip and looking down at the gunge.

“Let the games, BEGIN!”

The afternoon flew by with them playing some elaborate games. One involved Alex using a huge catapult to fire footballs at a polystyrene brick wall whilst she crawled behind the wall trying to desperately rebuild it. Another involved her dressed as a huge sumo wrestler and a coconut shy. It was a lot of fun and actually she was having a good time. She was relaxing as the day went on, it was clear that Greg was going to get gunged, he was ahead and not really trying that hard, whilst she was taking things more seriously. I’m going to get away with this she thinks to herself. They went into the final game a fair few points behind, but it was a double points round so she knew she wasn’t completely safe.

The final game involved everyone riding small electric tricycles. The kids picking up footballs and depositing them in their respective coloured baskets. The adults would try and prevent this by blocking and bashing the kids bikes with their own bikes. It was 90 seconds but she thought that still wouldn’t be enough for Alex to get enough to overturn the deficit.

They whiz around the track, the kids grabbing balls and taking them to their baskets. It was all going to plan when disaster struck. Out of nowhere Ben crashes into her and they both career off into the tyres surrounding the track. They’re both stuck, Alex is completely free whilst Greg sits on his bike and shrugs, he can’t take out Alex. He flies around unopposed picking up balls over and over again. Meanwhile Vikki desperately tries to free her and Ben’s bikes, they were stuck fast together in the tyre wall. Surely they will stop the game?! The time ticks down. She looks across at Tash who is laughing wildly. She mouths the words “Help me!!” at her with a pleading look in her eyes. Tash grins and shakes her head, this was going down perfectly. A huge hooter sounds, Dave runs in from the sides.

“WOOW, that was dramatic, lets see how they’ve done” He gets to bens basket.

“Good effort Ben, but only 2 balls are in here, that’s 20 points”

Vikki’s stomach begins to develop butterflies. That is not good she thinks to herself.

“Wow Alex has done well. Let’s count them out. 1..2…3…4…5…6…7…8..9…10! That’s 100 points!”

Her heart sinks, she looks at Tash who is laughing even harder now. She turns away, hanging her head and shaking it vigorously, she couldn’t believe it, she was going to be facing the gunk dunk.

“So let’s look at the final scores. The reds have scored 390 points, but this week’s winners with an outstanding 450 points its Alex of the yellows!!”

The crowd cheered manically, Tash joining in vigorously. Her friend was going to get it and she couldn’t wait to watch it first-hand.

Dave squeezed himself between a beaming Alex and Vikki with her head hung. He turns to Alex.

“You know what time it is?!”

“YES DAVE!!” he excitedly shouts back.

“Ohhh and Vikki, you know what time it is don’t you?!” he asks with a big grin

She shakes her head with her eyes shut and puts her hands on her hips. She wasn’t entirely sure what she had let herself in for, but she knew she was about to find out and that it wasn’t going to be nice.

“Yes Dave” She quietly replies. A quiver in her voice.

“Yes it’s time for Vikki to take the plunge, in my famous Gunk Dunk!! Haha!!”

Cathy leads them over to the gunk dunk.

“OK Vikki, if you could take off your shoes and socks please we’ll get you up there” She chirps

Vikki had certainly not expected this, she looked after her toe nails and feet but didn’t really want to have to show them off to the world. This was just another layer of humiliation, adding to the vulnerability she was starting to feel. She had signed up, but really never thought this would be actually happening.

She hesitated but knew there was little point in arguing. She wished she’d watched the show before this moment, to have an idea of what was coming, but maybe that would only worsen things she thinks. She slowly undoes her laces before slipping off her shoes. She pulls off the white socks, wiggling her toes as they hit the studio floor. She had delicate  size 5 feet and had painted her toes light grey colour this week and they looked well presented. Tash came over one last time, big broad grin on her face, her perfect white teeth shining.

“Good luck in there Vikki, your’e going to have one hell of a hair do when they’re finished with you!!haha!” She pointed down at her curled bare feet.

“Your nails are going to be a new colour soon!”

Vikki shook her head and tartly replies

“I will get you back for this you know, this is your fault!”

“Hh quit your moaning, you’ll have a great time in there, it looks amazing, treat it like a spa haha!”

“Ok then,  up you go then” Cathy interrupts.

They had put a plank across the pool, she carefully stepped up with help from the stage crew before jumping up onto the black seat. The seat was rock hard and much higher than she expected. She was now looking down on a beaming Alex, a grinning Dave and Tash with an excited look on her face.

The plank was pulled away, leaving her bare feet dangling. Even though she is only average height her feet easily make it to the surface of the gunge. It’s uncomfortable trying to keep them out and they naturally dip into the surface. Her eyes widen as she feels the gunk on her bare toes. It was cold and incredibly slimy, like nothing she had ever felt before. She tries to pull them out, crossing her ankles and tucking them back under the seat, but it was hard to hold her legs in that position for long. It was dawning on her how messy this was now going to be.

“Ohhhh yes it’s gunk dunk time and our Vikki here is ready for a special make over. I can see you’ve already dipped your toes in, how’s it feeing?!” Pointing down at the surface where her toes dipped in and out.

“Not good Dave, not good AT ALL” she honestly replied

“Well it’s going to get a lot worse than that trust me, because here’s what’s going to happen. If you have a look above your head there are three tanks which make up the gunge”

She looks up at the ominous contraption and metal square hole above her head.

“Here’s what makes up our gunge. There is Snot!!”

URGHHHH the crowd moan. She shuts her eyes and shakes her head with a nervous grin.

“CUSTARD!”

The crowd moan again. The camera closes on her face, she screws up her nose.

“And finally RAW, what does that stand for everyone?!”

“REALLY, AWFUL, WASTE!!!” The crowd replies. Vikki opens her eyes and laughs in disbelief before looking over at Tash, clearly having a great time and gives her a death stare.

“So I’m going to ask you three questions, for each one you get wrong young Alex over there will pull the leaver and you’ll get a new layer of make up” Vikki laughed in reply

“Then finally, its golden leaver time, and you take the plunge. So Vikki. You’re going to get gunged, but just how badly?!?!haha!”

Vikki covers her face with her hands and rubs her cheeks. Her nerves rising, she really hadn’t considered this all those weeks ago when Tash talked her into this show. She never imagined she’d be poised barefoot over a huge vat of gunge, with more above her head, about to get messy in front of everyone. She would never hear the end of it from work mates and clients.

“Question one. How high is Mount Everest in metres? Is it A . 8,848 metres or B. 8,847 metres?!”

Vikki now had a good idea how things were going down. Impossible questions and only luck will save her from the gungings before the dunk. She rolls her eyes and swings her legs backwards and forwards nervously. Flashes of her small soles.

“Ummmm.B?!” She nervously asks.

“Afraid not, it’s A!!!Pull that lever Alex!”

He pulls the green one with relish.

She hunches her shoulders and shuts her eyes. Lifting her curled toes out of the gunk she braces herself.

Green gunk cascades down and over her head, splattering and covering her hair and back. It avoids her face but pulls her pony-tail out. Her eyes spring open with shock as the gunk runs down the back of her baggy t-shirt. She gives a loud squeal. She manically kicks her legs and bare feet in front of her. It felt cold and clingy, like nothing she had ever felt before.

“Oh yes you’re loving this aren’t you?!”

She vigorously shakes her head, looks over to a beaming Tash who was biting her lower lip, wide eyed. Tash loved it more than anyone. Little did she know she was secretly imaging herself up there.

“Could get worse yet! Question 2. What is the population of Papa New Guinea?! Is it A. 5,190,783 or B. 5,190, 784?

Vikki shakes her head and shrugs. Green drips continue onto her head, running down her nose.

“B??” She asks tentatively

“NOOOO, wrong again it’s A!!” Alex you know what to do!”

She shuts her eyes in anticipation and hunches up again. This time the yellow gunge hits her square in the head, drenching her front and legs. She squeals even louder, tries to cover herself with her arms and move out of the way. Her hair now completely loose and hanging down to her shoulders. She kicks her bare feet together just above the surface of the gunk. She was gradually becoming unrecognizable. Her hair now full of gunk, her face still relatively clean. The yellow and green splodges all over her front and back. She felt wet, cold and was far from having fun. She shivered and looked down at her toes, covered in the gunk they were green, she tried to clean them off rubbing one over the other, it was fruitless. She just wanted to get off but she knew the only way off now was in the pool below her.

“Final question!! How long is the River Nile?! Is it A. 6853m or B. 6854m?!”

She looks over at Dave, green and yellow dripping from her hair. She shakes her head again.

“A??!” She almost squeaks. Before hunching up and expecting a final deluge.

“Correct! Sorry Alex move away from that blue lever!”

The crowd boo loudly

Vikki’s eyes spring open in surprise and delight.

“yeees!” she shouts, waving her hands above her head in victory, stretching her crossed ankles in front of her.

“I wouldn’t celebrate too soon Vikki, BECAUSE, there is one final leaver and it’s the big one. You think the first ones were bad, but that’s nothing compared to what happens next! Alex, pull that golden leaver, and get your own back!!”

Vikki’s heart was racing out of her chest. She swings her bare feet wildly in anticipation and nerves. She balls her hands next to her head and shuts her eyes. Her shoulders hunched up, head turned away from the gunk she was about to meet.

“It’s not that deep” She thinks to herself, I’ll try land on my backside…”

It’s the last thing she thinks as gunk suddenly rains on her, it catches her out. As her legs swing beneath the seat it suddenly and very forcibly tips her forwards. It completely catches her by surprise and takes her off balance. The force is also a lot harder than she expects and with her legs tucked beneath the seat the result is she is slammed forwards into the pool. She gives a loud high pitched squeal which is suddenly cut off as the seat tips. She has no time to brace herself and plunges face first completely under the surface. Gunge rushes into her ears and nose, she feels it completely fill her baggy t-shirt and jogging pants. It’s colder than she expects, the slime getting literally everywhere.

From the outside all you see is waves from where Vikki was unceremoniously slammed into the pool. She disappears for 2-3 seconds before two bare soles covered in green gunk appear from behind her as she desperately kicks to try find her feet and get up.

She finally gets to her knees and re-emerges from the pool. She gasps for air, mouth wide open with shock, eyes still shut tight. She gives an involuntary scream. She’s unrecognisable with her hair plastered to the side of her head with green gunge and her face a multicolour of slime. The multi-coloured gunge dripping off her nose, ears and hair. She looked completely drenched. The lights shining off the gunge she is completely coated in. Her mascara running and t-shirt sagging with the weight of gunge. She tries to stand up but the bottom of the pool is very slippy and she falls backwards and back under. She pulls herself back to her knees, her face an expression of complete shock and disbelief. This was far worse than she could ever expect. She puffed her cheeks out, now re orientated and made her way to the edge of the tank. She doesn’t dare stand up, she knees by the edge with her slimy arms and hands placed on the lip. The gunge has cleared out of her ears and she can hear everyone cheering, loudest of all was Tash.

“Wow that was amazing. You look amazing madam!” Dave exclaims.

She looks over to Alex who is waving and cheering. Tash is doubled up laughing. That was incredible she thought to herself, but also there was a tinge of jealousy, that looked like so much fun. It’s fair to say that Vikki was not having a whole lot of fun as she wiped the gunk out of her eyes and tried to wipe some out of her hair.

She gives another evil look over at the laughing Tash. She then sticks her tongue out and laughs. It was horrible but the day had been fun, however she had no intention of ever going through something like this again.

Dave said his usual goodbyes while she sat in the tank, longing to get out.

Tash carefully comes over, there was gunge all over the floor from the huge splash Vikki had created as she was dunked.

“How is it?” She asks her genuinely

“Oh god its horrible and wet and slimy, I can’t believe you did this to me!! Its EVERYWHERE!!”

Tash looks at her now unrecognisable friend, completely covered in the gunk. She really had orchestrated this, it was amazing to watch but couldn’t shake the feeling she really wished it had been her. She probably would have enjoyed it more. She looked at the pool and carefully lowered a finger in, feeling the goo cling to her finger, she looked at it inquisitively. She felt a shiver run through her and a tingle of excitement. She had watched a lot of GYOB but never had seen it first hand or considered what it would be like to go through the gunk dunk. Now she had seen it, her fun inquisitive nature was asking all sorts of questions. She kept these to herself.

“Seems good to me! Like a clay bath at a spa!!” She laughs.

“I won’t forget this for a long time Natasha, I will have my revenge!!” Vikki replies with a hint of salt. Then she laughs at herself and shakes her head.

Well if it involves the gunk dunk, let’s hope so Natasha thinks to herself and smiles cheekily.

The End

There you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Hopefully won’t be as long to my next one and have some interesting plans for Christmas!:) I also have plans for Natasha, don’t worry she’ll have her dream come true eventually!

Peace

R

All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.

In these days of ludicrous disclaimers, I’d better say that nothing said in Flan the Frauds should be taken as serious safety or lifesaving advice…

ROUND 1: Jackass Lanterns

The TV viewers are subjected to a round of adverts, and then the show returns in an archetypical haunted house setting, replete with candlestick, cobwebs, coffins, skeletons, suits of armour, portraits with moving eyes, and a gothic-style window behind which bats are silhouetted against a huge full moon.

With a blood-curdling creak, a great oak door slowly opens. Out of the swirling mists beyond, Natalie and Clara enter the set.

Natalie: Ooh, nasty weather out there! I couldn’t see my own knockers in that fog, and it’s hard to miss a big pair like mine!

Clara: No need to boast, Nat. Size isn’t everything.

Natalie: Oh, but it is, Clara. The bigger one’s knockers, the easier they are to grope for in the dead of night! [Puffs her chest with pride] Many of my visitors say they’ve never laid hands on a bigger pair!

Clara: [caustically] The trouble with big knockers, Nat, is that they tend to sag with age. Look!

Clara taps one of the brass knockers on the door. It tilts downwards with a creaking groan.

Clara: [derisively] See? Sounds like your knockers need oiling, too! [Peering around the cobweb-strewn set] In fact, you’ve really let the housekeeping slide generally.

Natalie: Yeah well, there was no point tidying up when things are about to get messy in here. Speaking of which, where are Simon and Sarah?

Clara: I think they had to wait until midnight so they could turn into pumpkins. Ah, here they come now!

Through the fog of the doorway, Simon and Sarah reluctantly emerge, to laughter from the audience. Both are wearing grinning jack-o-lantern costumes, which form a bloated orange sphere from waist to neck (a ruff of green leaves adorns the latter), with their forearms sticking out of the sides. Their legs are clad in orange tights. The pair waddle sheepishly into the room, bumping off one another in their clumsy costumes.

Natalie: [smirking] Look at that – from a pair of knockers to a pair of plonkers!

Clara: Not sure why you’re looking perturbed, Simon; I thought you liked wearing custom outfits!

Natalie: Sarah, I know you don’t like parties, but we couldn’t let Halloween go by without having one. So welcome to Castle Grudgula, and to our first game – Jackass Lanterns!

Clara: It’s a traditional Halloween game of apple bobbing. The only difference is that you’ll be bobbing as much as the apples!

Clara gestures in front of her, and the camera swings round to reveal an obstacle course. The first stage is a shallow pool of water, about two foot deep, in which green foam ‘apples’ are floating. On the other side are a series of ‘cobwebs’ made of white elastic ropes, and beyond that a pit of flour with a net draped over it.

Natalie: Simon and Sarah, your job is to collect apples from our Pool of Peril, take them through Arachne’s Lair, and then through the Flour Pit of Doom!

Clara: Upon reaching the end, you must deposit your apple into the skull of your colour, before returning the way you came to collect another.

At the end of the obstacle course, two large, coloured skulls are fixed into the floor. Each has a small hole in the top into which the apples can be dropped.

Natalie: The golden rule is that you must do all picking up and carrying of the apples with your mouths. Any use of your hands will be severely punished!

Clara: This being a tricky game – as you’ll soon discover – we’re going to award you 3 points for every apple you deposit.

Natalie: But beware, as you scramble to collect the treats, there’ll be one or two tricks in store for you!

Clara: So, if you get yourself into starting position please…

The two human pumpkins shuffle towards the edge of the pool, continuing to barge and knock each other as they vie for prime position.

Natalie: Oh, and keep the physical antics to a minimum, cos Clara doesn’t want to have to go in there to sort you out!

Clara: [Glaring at Natalie] Nor will I! You have 90 seconds on the clock, starting… NOW!!

Natalie and Clara hurriedly vacate the area. Sarah steps into the pool, and gets down onto her front. Simon – whether by accident or design is unclear – flops off the edge, causing a big splash. The pair start snatching at the floating apples with their teeth, and quickly realise it is no simple task, with the rigid pumpkin costumes making it hard for them to get close enough to the precious fruits. The costumes seem to be weighted at the front so that the players are pront to return to the horizontal position; they see-saw up and down with their legs waggling behind them. Natalie and Clara laugh at the sight.

Simon is the first to get his chops sunk into an apple. He struggles to his feet, and half runs, half staggers to the edge of the pool. Climbing out, he finds himself having to negotiate the tangle of elastic cords, his progress made yet more arduous by silly string spraying at him from either side.

Clara: Old Arachne doesn’t like being disturbed!

Simon reaches the flour pit and lifts the net to crawl underneath. The flour sticks to his wet costume, and, as fans begins to blow, to his face too. He splutters, at one point dropping the apple.

Natalie: Looks like the wind is getting up on a night like this!

Meanwhile Sarah has clambered out of the pool, an apple in her mouth, and is being subjected to the barrage of silly string. Nonetheless, she makes quick progress of the gauntlet and is catching up on Simon as she burrows under the net.

Simon reaches the other side and drops his apple into the red-coloured skull. He crawls back into the flour, and there is an awkward moment when he and Sarah get tangled up with each other, enveloped by the flour blizzard, before she shoves him aside and continues towards the end, dropping her apple into the blue-coloured skull.

The game continues with the players bungling back and forth in their bulbous pumpkin costumes. On more than one occasion they clash, more by accident than deliberate confrontation. The pool of water becomes increasingly clouded with flour and draped with silly string and other mess. As promised by the presenters, a number of ‘tricks’ befall the contestants. At one stage, some bright-orange ‘pumpkin goo’ splatters onto Simon as he struggles through the spiders’ webs, while Sarah is targeted by some luminous ‘ectoplasm’. Somewhat bizarrely, at one point a load of fake bats are tossed onto the playing area.

Throughout it all, Simon manages to maintain a lead of about half a course on Sarah.

Clara: Ten seconds left!

Sarah, on her front in the pool, realises she has little prospect of getting another apple to her skull in time, but continues bobbing determinedly all the same.

Natalie, Clara and audience: NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN!…

Simon, on the other hand, scrabbling under the netting, knows he has a realistic prospect of making it to the end with his apple. He kicks up a flour storm as he fights his way through.

Natalie, Clara and audience: …SIX! FIVE! FOUR!!…

Simon leaps for his skull, dropping his apple through the hole like a dog performing a trick. He the rolls in his costume on the floor.

Natalie, Clara and audience: …THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!

A buzzer blasts.

Natalie: STOP!!

Simon slumps on the floor, spitting flour between his beard. A bedraggled Sarah gets to her feet in the pool, water running out of her costume and down her tights.

Natalie and Clara carefully walk onto the set beside the end of the obstacle course.

Clara: Whew! Now that was some house of horrors!

Natalie: [chuckling] It’s certainly left our contestants looking frightful!

Clara: But how well have they done? Let’s crack their skulls open!

Natalie crouches beside the red skull and undoes a hidden catch, causing the skull to split in two. A collection of apples, soggy and flour-dusted, roll out.

Natalie: One, two, three, four, five! It doesn’t look much for your efforts, Simon, but it’s got you out of the blocks with a cool 15 points!

Simon wearily cheers and raises a thumbs-up.

Clara: And Sarah, let’s count yours… [Kneels beside the blue skull and undoes the catch] One, two, three, four. Not bad, but not as good as Simon – 12 points!

Although Sarah already knows that she only deposited four apples, she nonetheless purses her lips in disappointment. Simon cheers again and sticks his tongue out at her. Sarah responds by picking up an sodden apple from the pool and lobbing it at him.

Natalie: Oi! No need for that!

Clara: Right, Nat and I are heading off to prepare for the next round. We’ll leave you two to find your own way backstage; hope you’re not afraid of the dark!

The scene begins to fade as Clara and Natalie walk off.

Natalie: [turning and wagging a finger at the contestants] And no fiddling with my knockers on the way out!

ROUND 2: Flan the Frauds (Lifeguard Edition)

A title sequence shows several shifty-looking cartoon figures sneaking down a dark alley, only to have pink and blue pies thrown in their faces. Splatters of cream on the screen spell out “Flan the Frauds”. We then see Simon and Sarah, changed back into their work uniforms and sitting in armchairs. They have hastily showered and dried themselves, although their hair still bears stubborn streaks of flour from the previous game.

Several king-size pies are laid out on tables in front of the contestants, mounded high with shaving cream in a pastel shade of either pink or blue. The camera swings around to reveal the potential targets of these pies: seven women in bright-red one-piece swimsuits, standing equispaced in a row.

Natalie and Clara enter the set.

Natalie: Here we are in Round Two of tonight’s Grudge-2-Sludge match – our regular slot, Flan the Frauds. Simon and Sarah, you’ll be relieved to hear that you won’t be dressing up or getting messy in this round. Instead, that role falls to our line-up of lifeguards here!

Clara: None of these ladies know our contestants, nor each other. They arrived here a few hours ago, expecting an evening of shallow entertainment, but we’ve thrown them in at the deep end!

The audience groans.

Natalie: Let’s meet them, shall we?

The camera sweeps from left to right along the line of women, who remain silent. Each has a prominent name badge affixed to the left shoulder strap of her swimsuit.

Natalie: Mmmm! They all look bedazzling in their swimsuits, don’t they? But who would you really want to sweep you into their arms in stormy waters?

Clara: You see, there’s a crucial difference dividing our line-up: each participant is either a genuine, currently active lifeguard, watching over a beach or swimming pool near you…

Natalie: …Or has never guarded so much as a paddling pool in her life – a fraud!

Clara: We’re not saying how many of these ladies are frauds and how many are for real, other than that there is at least one of each category.

Clara: Simon and Sarah, as I’m sure you’re aware, it is your job to sort the buoyancy aids from the dead weights!

Clara: To do this, you will take turns to put questions to our line-up. You can question them on almost anything – or get them to perform an action, within reason – but you can’t ask directly whether they are frauds or for real, or whether they think their fellow participants are.

Natalie: Any participant who is for real will answer you honestly and to the best of her professional ability…

Clara: …Whereas any who is a fraud will do her utmost to bluff and deceive you into believing she is genuine, armed with only 30 minutes of online research time!

Natalie: After considering the participants’ answers, you can choose one of the line-up to mark as a fraud. I’m sure everyone knows how this marking takes place, but if you’re not sure, take a look at these beauts!

Natalie gestures the tables of flans. The women in the line-up giggle nervously.

Clara: Once a participant has been flanned, she is out of play. The other contestant then gets a turn to put a question to the remaining participants.

Natalie: Alternatively, if after asking your question, you don’t want to dispense any more flans, you can declare yourself done. At which point, your opponent will have the opportunity to flan any number of the remaining participants as they see fit, but can’t answer any more questions.

Clara: Only when the game is over will our participants confirm their true natures. For each fraud you’ve correctly flanned, we’ll award you 5 points, but beware: if you wrongly flan a genuine lifeguard, we’ll fine you 3 points!

Natalie: Simon, you may be 3 points ahead of Sarah, but that lead could easily be swept away in this round. On the other hand, Sarah could sink even further!

The audience groans again.

Clara: [Turning to the line-up] Ladies, I trust you’ll prefer not to have flan in your ear-holes, down your cleavage, and everywhere else in between. But in case that isn’t incentive enough, any of you who manage to convince both contestants, rightly or wrongly, that you are for real, will win a £250 cash prize!

Natalie: So, is everybody clear about everything?

The two players nod, as do the seven lifeguards.

Clara: Then let’s quit dipping in our toes and jump right in!

Another bout of groaning.

Natalie: Simon, you have the lead, so the decision is yours: play first or second?

Simon: [without hesitation] First. Ladies, we all appreciate the services you provide [smirks a little], but ideally you shouldn’t be needed. Please can you each provide a piece of advice on how to swim safe?

The camera starts on Victoria.

Victoria: [in a brusque manner] Don’t overestimate your abilities or underestimate the water.

Anne-Marie: [fluttering her eyelashes at the camera] Make sure you wear lots of suncream.

Judy: [stiffling a giggle] Uh, don’t swim on an empty stomach.

Hannah: Don’t jump into water unless you know what’s beneath the surface.

Evie: Beware of currents taking you unawares.

Lynzey: [raising an eyebrow] Beware of currents taking your underwear!

Soo-Jin: [In a feisty voice] Always pay attention to the signs, then everything will be super awesome!

Clara: Some sage advice there – possibly. Simon, be a pieman!

Clara gestures the table of huge pink flans in front of Simon, who eagerly picks one up. He surveys the line-up in front of him, evidently spoilt for choice for flanees, but after a few seconds he heads purposefully towards the left-hand end of the line. Anne-Marie’s cheeks redden as he comes to stand in front of her.

Simon: Thanks for the advice about suncream, Anne-Marie, but it’s not really relevant to swimming, is it?

Anne-Marie: [breathily] Oh, but I’m the lifeguard who thinks about everyth–

Natalie: Uh-uh! The time for answering is over! Simon, do what you have to do!

Anne-Marie puckers her lips and flutters her eyelashes at Simon in a “you wouldn’t” pose. Simon, however, would… and does! The 18-inch disc of shaving foam and the its encircling splatter covers the whole of Anne-Marie’s face, upper chest and shoulders. Simon subsequently pushes the flan upwards onto the top of her head, burying her swishy blonde hair as well. He pulls away the foil tin and steps back to admire the result. Anne-Marie lets out a surprised squeak as her mouth opens on her cream-mounded head.

Clara: Talk about suncream – she got loads of it! Great flanning, Simon. Sarah, it’s time to hear your question.

Sarah: Good evening, ladies. Earlier, Clara mentioned that you might be lifeguards at a beach or swimming pool, which are obviously very different environments. So could you each tell me a bit about your specific work situations?

Victoria: [curtly] I’m a pool supervisor at a public swimming baths in the West Midlands. I spend most my time blowing my whistle at idiots who swim in the diving area.

The camera sweeps past a pink and squealing Anne-Marie.

Judy: Uh, I’m a beach lifeguard in Penzance, Devon. [Breaks into a little giggle] I have a lot of surfer dudes who get into trouble showing off, so I’m kept busy.

Hannah: I’m also a beach lifeguard, but at Skegness. Tends to be a family crowd, so it’s mainly about keeping kids safe, though I also have the occasional drunk dad to deal with.

Evie: I’m a watersports lifeguard at Lake Windermere. I get to meet a lot of cool people.

Lynzey: I’m actually a freelance lifeguard, so I go around guarding lives wherever lives need to be guarded.

Soo-Jin: I work at [something in Korean] Water Park in Seoul. We have second-highest water slide in Asia – it is super awesome! I am here in UK for special training!

Natalie: Okay, quite a variety of answers there, but Sarah, who do you think is deserving of your flan?

Sarah gets to her feet and lifts one of her flans. Like Simon, she appears spoilt for choice, but plumps for Judy. The large lady begins to giggle uncontrollably as Sarah holds the giant mound of pastel-blue cream in front of her.

Sarah: Couple of clangers from you there, Judy. First of all, I’m pretty sure the rule is “don’t swim on a full stomach.” And secondly, the Cornish will be delighted that you put Penzance in Devon. And really, you seem a bit giggly to be a lifeguard!

Judy’s eyes close and her giggling intensifies further as Sarah draws back the pie. It forcefully engulfs Judy’s head, sending cream flying outwards and backwards into her hair. Sarah releases her hold on the tin, and it slides down, smearing blue over Judy’s chest and the ample cleavage between her massive boobs. These wobble as Judy clucks with laughter, blobs of cream sliding inside her swimsuit.

Natalie: Supersize flanning there! Simon, it’s your next question.

Simon: Suppose I get into difficulty in the water. How are you going to deal with me?

Victoria: Jump in, pull you to the side, and give you a good ticking off. And no, you’re not getting a kiss of life.

The camera sweeps past the still-pink Anne Marie and the blue and giggling Judy.

Hannah: Assess the situation, enter the water at the safest point, swim to the victim, move them to safety, and perform first aid as required.

Evie: Good points so far. Just want to add there’s a special stroke called sidestroke which is useful for pulling people to safety.

Lynzey: [glancing disdainfully at Simon] A minnow like you? Well, I’d spend a bit of time laughing at you before jumping in to save your ass.

Soo-Jin: No one have trouble at [Korean name] Water Park, because everyone have super awesome time! But if bad happen, I jump in and make everything super awesome again!

Clara: Hmm, super awesome. But were those answers awesome? Simon, what you gonna do?

This time Simon has no hesitation in reaching a decision. He grab a pie and strides straight over to Lynzey, who seems to be expecting him.

Simon: Well Lynzey, you appear to lack the serious attitude required of your role. And for calling me a minnow, you really deserves this flan!

Lynzey fixes Simon with a moody look seconds before he slams the pie into her face, sending goo spurting in all directions. He screws the pie tightly against her face before pushing upwards into her hair. Round and round her head he massages the tin, making sure Lynzey’s ginger curls get completely filled with the goo. The audience cheers at the thorough smothering he is giving her.

Clara: Okay Simon, that’s enough…

Simon reaches behind Lynzey, pulls open the back of her swimsuit, and drops the remainder of the pie inside. Lynzey’s mouth opens to a shocked ‘O’.

Natalie: SIMON! Don’t get carried away, lad!

Simon backs off, grinning at Lynzey, who flicks cream at him in retaliation.

Clara: Well, that was a spirited flanning! Sarah, next question from you.

Sarah: As some you have already hinted, the lifeguard lifestyle probably isn’t as glamorous as TV makes it out to be. What would you say is the pet peeve of your job?

Victoria: Chlorine. In my hair, drying out my skin, making my eyes hurt… horrible stuff!

Hannah: The cold. And I don’t just mean in the water; I mean sitting on a windswept beach all day in early March. Normally I wear a lot more than a swimsuit!

Evie: People who get caught out by the tide. [Rolls her eyes]

The camera passes Lynzey, who is shuffling with her hands behind her back. The pie tin has fallen all the way down inside her swimsuit and is against her bum.

Soo-Jin: Lifeguard duty at [that Korean name again] Water Park is super awesome, except it mean I cannot go on super awesome rides myself!

Natalie: Well you can’t have everything. Sarah, what’s your response to those responses?

Sarah selects a pie and confidently approaches Evie, who pulls a nervous grimace.

Sarah: Sorry, Evie – you were doing so well! But I think it would be perfectly forgivable if somebody got caught out by the tide at Lake Windermere!

Evie groans and puts her hand to her forehead. Sarah gently pulls the hand away and then pummels Evie with the flan. The light-blue cream forms a vivid contrast with the black girl’s dark skin, as it blankets her face and upper shoulders. Sarah then slides the pie to the top of Evie’s head, filling her braided hair. Evie grins through the cream and slowly shakes her head.

Natalie: Bit of a blooper there from Evie! Three participants left, and it’s Simon’s turn for another question.

Simon: [keenly] I can ask them to do an action, right? Okay ladies, let’s see you do the butterfly stroke.

The three remaining participants look around in bemusement.

Simon: Like, properly – down on the floor.

Clara: [with a suspicious frown] Simon, why exactly do you want to see these women in swimsuits get on their fronts…?

Simon: [raising his palms] Hey! Butterfly is a niche stroke, so I want to see if they can do it!

Hannah: [butting in] Doing a stroke on a solid floor isn’t the same as doing it in water, and besides, butterfly isn’t really used in lifesaving.

Natalie: It’s up to our contestants to decide on the relevance of their questions, whatever their, ahem, reasons for asking. So Simon says do a butterfly stroke!

The three women lay down on their fronts and make a few awkward thrusts of their arms and legs. If Simon doesn’t take advantage of the view in this position, the camera certainly does.

Clara: [as the ladies stand up again] Well I hope that was, uhh, useful for you, Simon. Choose one of them to flan, or remember you can call it quits if you want.

Simon, picking up another mounded pie from his table, doesn’t want to call it quits. He eschews the women at either end of the line and makes a beeline towards the centre. Hannah pulls a sour face.

Simon: To be fair, none of you three made an elegant job of that, but the fact that you protested about having to do it makes me suspicious!

With that, Simon slaps the flan into Hannah’s front and face. Standing with her hands on her hips, the brawny lass is unmoved, even when Simon massages the cream into her hair. Simon walks off, leaving the pie tin on Hannah’s face. Hannah slowly raises a hand and pulls it away, spitting out a glob of cream.

Clara: And then there were two! Sarah, your next question please!

Sarah: In a way, being a lifeguard is a bit like being a manager in that you get to make people follow rules. What’s your favourite rule, and why?

Victoria: “No petting,” because it raises a chuckle and has kids asking what it means…

Soo-Jin: At […] Water Park we have only rule – be super awesome! Cos every day at […] is super awesome day!

Natalie: Sarah, the choice is yours – flan or finish?

‘Flan’ is Sarah’s choice, and the petite Korean on the right-hand side of the row is her specific target.

Sarah: Perhaps I’m making a mistake here, Soo-Jin; perhaps you really are super-awesomely loyal to your employer. I’d love to have someone like you working in my supermarket, but then again, I find it a bit too good to be true. So have a super awesome flan!

Taking advantage of Soo-Jin’s height (or lack thereof), Sarah plonks her pie hard on the crown of Soo-Jin’s head. Pastel-blue cream plops down in all directions, coating Soo-Jin’s face, chest, shoulders and the back of her hair. Sarah leaves the pie tin in place like a hat, while Soo-Jin gapes in surprise.

Natalie: Ah yes, the top-down approach – always effective! And we’ve just one participant left! Simon, ask Victoria a question.

Simon: [shrugging, out of ideas] Uhhhh… who was your favourite character on Baywatch?

Victoria: Stephanie – always the most capable.

Clara: It’s a straight choice, Simon – flan Victoria or spare her. But remember if you spare her she will be offered up to Sarah for flanning.

Simon: [stroking his beard as he deliberates] Uhhhhh… Victoria’s been the most convincing in my view, so I’m going to spare her.

Natalie: Okey dokes. Sarah, you also get the choice to flan Victoria or spare her.

Sarah sits pondering for a moment, then gets up from her chair. She picks up a pie and pauses, regarding the tattooed, curly-haired women, who stares sternly back at her. Sarah runs her finger along the edge of her pie tin, closes her eyes and sighs in indecision. Then, Sarah returns the pie to the table and herself to her chair.

Sarah: I’m going to agree with Simon on this one.

Clara: Right then! So we’re all done, finally!

Natalie: That was the first time we’ve got through seven questions. Lots of flans delivered, but were they delivered to the right face? Participants, please reveal whether you are frauds or for real!

The camera starts on the still-clean Victoria, who smugly peels off the outer layer of her name badge to uncover “FRAUD”.

Victoria: Fraud!

Off camera, Sarah tuts. The camera progresses to Anne-Marie, first to get flanned and still heavily covered. Anne-Marie pulls away her outer badge in a flirty manner.

Anne-Marie: Fraud!

The camera moves on to Judy, similarly covered but in blue instead of pink.

Judy: [between giggles] Fraud!

Hannah: For real! [Jabs a creamy finger at Simon] If you end up in the sludge don’t call on me to rescue you!

Evie: [grinning in good humour] Fraud!

Lynzey: [still attempting to extricate the pie from the back of her swimsuit] Fraud!

Soo-Jin [raising a double thumbs-up, proudly wearing her pie tin hat] Super awesome fraud!

The audience utter in surprise as they take in the unbalanced nature of the line-up.

Natalie: Wow! More frauds than an investment bank!

Clara: Yep, we do say there only needs to be one for-real, and this time there was! Although that didn’t save her from getting a flan!

Hannah pulls a resentful face.

Clara: Let’s see what’s this means for our contestants’ scores!

Natalie: Simon, you correctly flanned Anne-Marie and Lynzey, getting you 5 points apiece, but, for wrongly flanning Hannah, we’re going to take 3 points away from you. So, all in all, 7 points!

Simon nods, his lips drawn into a tight line.

Clara: Sarah, I can see you’re annoyed with yourself for not going for Victoria, but overall you did very well there. Three correct flannings means 15 points!

Sarah smiles broadly.

Natalie: Yep, things went swimmingly for Sarah! As they did for Victoria, who superbly defrauded our contestants to become tonight’s only winner of our £250 payout. Come and get it!

Now a lot less stern-looking, Victoria goes over to Natalie and claims her golden envelope, to applause from the audience.

Clara: Anne-Marie, Judy, Hannah, Evie, Lynzey and Soo-Jin – no money for you, I’m afraid. But as a thank you for taking part, and to help you clean off the flan, you’re each going to get a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack, courtesy of our sponsers! [Holds up a swish box-set containing a range of branded toiletries and two white towels embroidered with the Grudge-2-Sludge logo]

Natalie: On which note, shall we show these ladies to the showers?

The flan-covered women groan as they realise what this means. A second later, a small lagoon of cold water is dumped on them from above, washing off about half of the cream, but also causing them to scream and spasm.

Natalie: Good thing they’re wearing swimsuits!

Clara: Let’s hear it for our line-up, folks – they’ve been super awesome sports!

Continuing to gape and exclaim from the frigid downpour, the dripping women file off stage, to hearty cheering and the odd wolf-whistle from the audience. Victoria follows on behind – clean, dry and clutching her cash.

The scenes returns to Simon and Sarah, sitting in their armchairs.

Natalie: Two rounds down! Let’s see how the scores add up.

Clara: Simon now has 22 points, but Sarah has taken the lead with 27!

Simon rakes a hand through his waxed hair, a troubled expression on his face. Sarah casts a superior glance in his direction and puts her knuckles from each hand to her mouth to blow on them.

Natalie: [sucking through her teeth] Ooo, Simon, you seemed rather cocky at the end of round one – not so much now!

Simon: [Quickly straightening himself and putting on a defiant air] Hey, I made one mistake but I’m going to fight it back!

Clara: Sarah, you’ve got a nice lead of five points. Do you sense victory?

Sarah: [calmly] I always see a task through to the end before I declare “job done”, but Simon is very right to be worried!

Natalie: Strong words from both sides there, but let’s not forget we still have the big-scoring third round to go, as well as the results of our audience vote.

Clara: Indeed Nat, and those voting results are all ready to be revealed!

The studio lights dim and dramatic music plays. Simon fiddles with his beard and even Sarah appears a bit anxious.

Natalie: But there’s nothing like an advert break to add to the suspense, is there?

The contestants and audience groan.

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

(This story contains nudity)

“Hello again, and welcome back to the final part of the results show for this second edition of International CSWL. We treated Hayley McQueen to a messy and gungey experience in Part 1, so I hear you ask, what’s going to happen in Part 2.”

The other 4 sports newsreaders (Jo, Vicky, Orla and Rachel) were still on stage, and Bianca’s announcement made them to start to feel nervous about what may happen next.

Bianca stood nonchalantly in her blue trouser suit, and carried on “We have this magnificent dunk tank and created some exceptionally slimey gunge, and it seems a shame that we are only going to use it for 1 person….”

At this stage, the 4 ladies were getting increasingly nervous.

“But the question is, who else should we dunk?”

Bianca looks over to the 4 ladies and seems to enjoy seeing them squirm.

“Hmmm. Maybe it should be Jo? After all, she did come first in the viewers poll. Or should it be Vicky? Even though Wales scored 1 goal, they conceded 4! Perhaps Orla should get gunged? Northern Ireland ended up losing their match as well. Then again maybe Rachel should get it. Her Ireland team were unable to score any goals, even though they were playing at home. Decisions! Decisions!”

Bianca tapped her foot and held her chin with her hand as if working out in her mind who it should be.

Just as Bianca was about to speak, the producer beckons Orla to walk over to him. She duly does, and the Producer starts to tell Orla something, but it was at such a low level that no one else can hear.

Bianca had a puzzled look, as she was unsure whether to carry on. She peered down at the papers on her clipboard. “This bit isn’t in the script!”

Meanwhile, the producer had finished talking to Orla, who was now beaming from ear to ear and walked back on to the stage.

“How come you are smiling so much?”

“That’s because I’ve been asked to take over the presenting duties. So I’ll have that, thank you very much.”

Orla snatches the clipboard from Bianca and continued.

“Unbeknown to us all, there has been a third online vote that has taken place. The vote was to decide if Bianca should get messy or not. I can now reveal the results of the vote.”

Bianca’s jaw dropped as the results appeared on the large screen.

“Hmm, a very interesting vote. Apparently only 8% want you to stay clean. 27% wanted to see you go in the pillory, and another 27% wanted to see you take part in a clown routine. However the most voted for option was for you to be gunged which received 36%.”

“But I can’t be gunged. I’m the presenter…”

“Not any more Bianca. Now, please go and get changed into our outfit we have for you to wear.”

Two stagehands escort Bianca off stage.

Orla turns to Rachel “Hey, do we have any custard pies left?”

“I’ll go and find out”

Rachel departs the stage but then returns within 10 seconds pushing a trolley laden with creamy custard pies. “Look what I found!”

“Well done Rachel. Let’s hide the trolley behind the dunk tank so that Bianca can’t see them. It will be a nice surprise for her.”

As the ladies giggled, onto the stage came Hayley. She was wearing a white silk robe and white high heel shoes. Her long blonde hair appeared a little damp, as it had been freshly washed after her shower to rid her of all the gunge from earlier.

“Ah, welcome Hayley. I see you have got cleaned up.”

“Yes I have. I’ve come to get my own back on Bianca.”

“You have timed it very nicely, because here she is now.”

Bianca walks on wearing a West Ham shirt, and blue high heel shoes. Bianca is pulling down on the shirt in an attempt to make it longer and cover more of herself up.

“Hello again Bianca. You look very sporty!”

“Very funny Orla. I can’t believe I’ve only been given this shirt and a pair of high heel shoes to wear.”

“Err, you mean you don’t have anything underneath that shirt?”

“Nope”

“That’s very interesting! Now let’s get you secured to that bungee rope.”

Bianca’s hands were fastened to the rope and the mini crane hoisted her off the ground until she couldn’t touch the floor with her high heel shoes. The crane then paused.

With her arms secured above her head, this made the shirt ride up her body, and stop at her waist, which revealed her shaved muff and cute bottom.

Bianca groaned as she realised she couldn’t do anything about it.

Hayley walked up to Bianca “Let me help you cover up, its the least I can do.”

Hayley picked up a custard pie and splatted it against Bianca’s naked bottom, before picking up another and smushed it into her muff. Bianca gasped as she felt the cold custard in her most sensitive areas.

The crane whirred back into action and raised the sports newsreader into the air, before sliding across until Bianca was directly above the centre of the tank. There was another pause as everyone watched Bianca with custard and cream dripping down her gorgeous legs.

Suddenly the crane jolted back into action, and started to bounce the squealing Bianca up and down. Gradually the bungee rope lengthened until Bianca started to be dipped into the gunge below her.

The ladies watched as Bianca was fully dunked about 5 times, before Orla held her hand up, which signalled the crane to stop its juggling action and to return Bianca back to the stage floor.

As Bianca was gently lowered, everyone could see that she was completely covered in the green gunk, her football shirt was plastered to her body and her long brown hair was matted and dripping with gunge.

Hayley approaches the bound Bianca. “Not so much fun is it?”

Bianca remained silent, as Hayley continued “Now let me think, what did you do to me? Oh yes, I remember. You stripped me and then dunked me again.”

Bianca gulped as Hayley took a pair of scissors to her football shirt and cut right through it until she could whisk the garment from Bianca’s body.

The audience cheered as this meant that Bianca was now wearing just a pair of high heel shoes and nothing else. Her buxom tits were now exposed.

Hayley asked the audience “Do you want to see some bouncing tits?”

“YES!” was the roar from the audience, as the crane lifted the naked sports newsreader up and over the dunk tank. Bianca prepared herself for what was going to happen next and took a big gulp. The crane started to jolt and Bianca’s tits and bottom wobbled uncontrollably as she was again bungeed into the gunge below. Bianca had to concentrate on keeping her legs together as she was bungee jumped. She didn’t want the viewers to see absolutely everything of her! Bianca was fully dipped into the gunge 5 times before the crane stopped jiggling and returned the brunette to the stage floor.

The crane lowered Bianca until her high heel shoes were able to touch the floor and stopped. Bianca was now a complete gunky mess, and Hayley smiled as she watched gunge drip off her tits.

Meanwhile Rachel had wheeled the trolley laden with pies from the back of the dunk tank and parked it to the side of the still tied Bianca.

Bianca looked over “Oh no, not custard pies!”

“Oh yes Bianca. It’s custard pies, and they are all for you.”

The ladies surrounded Bianca and pied her relentlessly. Her hair, face, tits, muff and bottom got the most attention. It wasn’t long until Bianca was a custardy and creamy mess.

Hayley wiped Bianca’s eyes for her, as she was unable to do it herself. “It’s the end of the show Bianca. Do you want to finish the program off?”

The naked presenter peered into the camera “That’s it for this edition of International CSWL. I hope you enjoyed it at home, although there was an unexpected twist at the end where I got humiliated and messy. Thank you to all our competitors, and don’t forget to tune in next week when Rachel Wyse will be making a reappearance as presenter for the Chelsea v Man Utd match. Until then, goodbye from everyone at CSWL.”

As the camera began to pan out, and the credits rolled, Bianca shut her eyes as the other ladies had surrounded her with buckets in their hands, and they promptly threw the green gungey contents all over Bianca.

Or, the Author’s Folly, a tale in two parts. The second part to follow – before I actually deal with the results of round one!

This story is purely a work of fiction. The story does NOT describe real events and the characters are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or persons is coincidence. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

“Welcome back to the preview show of the Messy Gunge Grand Prix!”

The pale and black-haired Adeline Becker, ever-present smirk playing over her face, stepped forward. “In part one, we interviewed some celebrity friends of some of this year’s challengers, but now it’s time to for me – with the help of Megan, and whatever Waverly does – to explain what this show is really about, and what makes it the Messy Gunge Grand Prix!”

“Now, I know that some of you at home have been placing bets on who you think will win this year, with the promise of some nice prizes for the winner. But you aren’t the only ones – we’ve got some lovely young ladies from universities across the country who’ve volunteered to make predictions of their own with, instead, the threat of absolute humiliation for the losers!”

“We’ll get the chance to meet our contestants and hear their predictions in a minute, but first, and quickly please, the rules. Megan?”

Megan jumped. Quickly? “Uh, each of our players gets six picks from the pool of celebrities. Each pick has to be unique, with special rules to ensure that only one can pick each celebrity, which… I’ll explain if it comes up! We don’t want everyone picking the same popular choices, you understand, because… eep!”

Megan gulped, realising that she’d gone off track, and worried what Adeline might do if she went much further. “Anyway, after each round those who have no celebrities remaining in the tournament will receive a messy elimination, but it doesn’t stop there – each player gets points for each choice they lose, and they’ll receive punishments for accruing lots of points. There will also be extra penalties if one of their picks loses badly, or suffers a popular upset, like a previous champion being eliminated early. And rule zero: Adeline is the boss.”

Adeline smiled. “And don’t you forget it, Megan.” She ostentatiously checked her watch. “You didn’t overrun too badly, and your description was adequate, so you’re okay. For now. Let’s meet our players for the Messy Gunge Grand Prix!”

A peppy fanfare played over the speakers as an extremely attractive young woman of uncertain ethnicity walked onto the stage, strutting as if on the catwalk despite her extremely high heels. Dressed to the nines in a miniskirt, top and jacket that between them still left plenty of gorgeous, coffee-coloured skin revealed, she strode forward to stand beside Adeline with a confident smile on her burgundy lips.

Adeline paused for a second, taking in the vision before her, before she spoke. “Welcome, contestant number one. Who are you, and why are you here?”

“Thank you, Adeline. I’m Petra, a student and model, and I volunteered to participate to help get my name and profile out there. I’ve seen for myself what it did for the girls who appeared on the WSL World Cup, and I’m willing to get my hands dirty if that’s what it takes to succeed.”

“Well, it won’t just be your hands that get dirty on the Messy Gunge Grand Prix, so I hope you’re ready for that! Who are your celebrity nominees, Petra?”

“Something I know well is that fortune favours the gorgeous, so I’ve made my choices based on that. My first picks are all beautiful models who I absolutely admire – Lindsey Pelas, Kate Upton and Cara Delevingne, plus Rosie Jones for a touch of daring and glamour, and two other super-attractive women from the worlds of music and drama – the lovely Pixie Lott, and the incredible Jennifer Lawrence.”

Megan spoke up. “That’s quite a selection you have there, Petra, with some definite favourites in there. As the first contestant, you’ve had the full selection to choose from, but we’ll have to see later if any other player tries to steal.”

“Thank you, Megan – and can I just say that I think you should update your wardrobe? You’re extremely pretty, and it seems a crying shame for you to hide that lovely body under all those layers?”

Megan blushed, shocked that anyone would be forward, and Adeline laughed. “Well, embarrassing Megan like that had definitely raised you in my estimation – and here I was, ready to see what I could do about your arrogance!” Her tone was friendly enough, but there was a definite undercurrent that both Petra and Megan couldn’t help but pick up on.

“Bad news, I’m afraid – Megan’s not going to update her wardrobe on her own. The good news is-” Adeline stopped talking abruptly, and her smirk widened. “Thank you to the gorgeous Petra, now please make your way over to the contestants’ area!”

The curtain on the side of the stage across from Megan’s desk swept apart, revealing an entirely new section of the stage – a large, open area and beyond sixteen tall, padded chairs in a four by four grid.

No sooner had Petra waved to the audience and departed than the fanfare blared again, and a cute young woman of medium height dressed in a dark blue and red cheerleader’s uniform bounded through the curtains. Her long brunette fell past her shoulders and was held back from her face with a large red bow. As she moved towards the front of the stage, she suddenly bounded into a cartwheel, bouncing out of it to face the audience with a wide smile on her face. Adeline raised an eyebrow.

“Well then. Contestant number two. Who are you and… what are you doing?”

“Hi Adeline!” The girl chirped cheerfully, her smile utterly undimmed. “I’m Becca, and I’m here to represent the Birmingham Pussycats!”

To be fair, the “Pussycats” written across the chest of the uniform could perhaps have been a hint. At her desk, Megan’s eyes narrowed, and she tapped frantically at her keyboard; before Adeline could reply, she gave a quick laugh.

“I thought I recognised the name! At a guess, I’d say you’re actually here to rehabilitate your team’s reputation after they were suspended by the university last year?”

Becca’s smile flickered, almost imperceptibly. “That’s all in the past! I’m here to show how B-ham cheer has the sassy attitude to go all the way to the top, and we’re all ready to have fun! And my choices are just as sassy – Save the Cheerleader, Hayden Panettiere! Bring It On, Kirsten Dunst! Riverdale Vixens, Lili Reinhart!-”

“All of the actresses from Riverdale play cheerleaders on the show,” Megan objected. Becca just grinned cheerfully.

“I’ve just always felt closer to Lili, because I’m a Betty too.”

“Your boyfriend is a gang leader? You once tried to drown a boy in a hot tub? Your mum is…” Megan paused and looked at Becca’s face, where the cheerful smile was starting to look slightly manic. Maybe she did have enough in common with Betty, at that. “Please, continue.”

“Every cheer routine needs some great songs, so I’ve also chosen Taylor Swift and Rachel Platten, and finally, Peyton List, because she has the best attitude!” She finished by thrusting her fist triumphantly into the air.

“Well. Thank you, Becca – let’s see if that enthusiasm can survive the competition! Of course, as a previous champion, Taylor Swift is a high risk pick carrying extra penalties… so good luck!”

Becca bounded off to the seating area as the fanfare played again.

The young woman who strode out onto the stage this time was rather different from Becca – a tall young woman with dark red hair tied in some elaborate arrangement, dressed professionally in a well-fitted grey business suit that only made the trim figure beneath more apparent. Her expression seemed to war with Adeline’s for cockiest smirk.

“Thank you for inviting me, Adeline,” she said – Adeline looked put out at being preempted. “I’m Lana, contestant number three, and I’m a law student here to win this competition. Unlike most of the contestants, I’ve thought this through, and chosen my nominees carefully: Emma Watson, Karen Gillan, Jenna Coleman, Margot Robbie, Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande.”

Adeline paused her eyes narrowing at Lana’s presumption. “An interesting selection – five previous champions, and one of this year’s favourites. Megan?”

“It’s an interesting plan, but I’m not sure it will work quite as well as you’re hoping Lana. The first flaw – since Taylor Swift has already been selected, you’ll need to steal her from Becca as per our special rules!”

A tense, martial-sounding tune blared over the speakers briefly. Megan waited for to die off, then continued. “It’s a little earlier than I expected, I’ll admit. Let me explain the rules of stealing a nominee.

“In order to get the right to steal a nominee, you need to be prepared to raise the stakes. If you say ‘raise’, you’re demonstrating that, and permanently doubling the points you’ll get for that nominee’s elimination, regardless of what happens next. Or, you can think again, and make another choice. Lana?”

The arrogant redhead’s expression wavered for a moment, before firming. “I’m here to win. Raise!”

“Very well. In that case, the choice now falls to Becca.” The cameras focused on the peepy cheerleader sitting next to Petra in the contestants’ area. “You can ‘fold’, ceding this nominee to the challenger and making a new choice for yourself with no penalty. Or you can ‘match’, agreeing to double your points as well.

“At that point, our two players, having equal right to the nominee, will compete in a special challenge. The winner will get to keep the nominee – with their double points on it. The loser, however, will be assigned the opponent in this round – in Taylor’s case, Kate Beckinsale – and they with a double score at that. Quite a gamble!”

Becca’s manic smile wobbled slightly. “Why don’t we all just be friends? I’ll ‘fold’, and let Lana keep Taylor out of the goodness of my heart. My new nominee is… Mollie King. I’ve cheered to the Saturdays, too!”

Adeline looked slightly disappointed, though whether at the lack of competition or that Lana had so easily got her own way wasn’t clear. Lana’s smirk grew even cockier. Seeing this seemed to firm up Adeline’s resolve.

“Of course, having put double points on Tay-Tay only increases the risk of this – remember, extra penalties for previous champions like… basically all of your choices. And you may have successfully stolen – but our next contestants will have the chance to steal from you in turn!” With that, her smirk widened to match Lana’s and she deliberately turned her back on the arrogant young woman. “Next!”

The fanfare blared again as Lana huffily made her way to her seat, and a beautiful caramel-skinned vision appeared through the curtains. Dressed in a denim jacket over a bright yellow top, along with tight, black and white yoga pants, she brushed her long, wavy dark brown hair to one side and half-smiled half-pouted at the audience with her full lips.

There was a moment of pause before Adeline spoke, as she’d expected to be interrupted again; the other woman waited patiently, giving a sultry look to the audience.

“So… contestant number four. Welcome to the Messy Gunge Grand Prix, please can you introduce yourself?”

“Thank you, Adeline,” said the woman, a soft, barely-perceptible accent colouring her words. “My name is Denisse, and I’m a Colombian studying in the UK – I’m eager to represent my country and my continent in this competition. Would you like me to give you my nominees?”

“Certainly. And thank you!”

“To represent, I’ve chosen the South American celebrities for my nominees – Camila Cabello, Chrysti Ane, Lilimar Hernandez, Taynari Conti, and of course my countrywoman Sofia Vergara. And for my last pick, I went with Camila Mendes – she’s from the US herself, but her parents are Brazilian.”

“Thank you, Denisse – it’s nice to have simple picks like that without any fights or arguments! I hope our next contestant can be as pleasant and helpful as you’ve been!”

The fanfare blared. The curtain twitched. And then, a young woman appeared, moving hesitantly onto stage. Undeniably pretty, although not nearly as glamorous as her predecessor, she was dressed casually in a full red top, loose jeans and a short black coat. Peering rather timidly at the audience through a large pair of glasses, she moved to the front of the stage, her blonde hair swinging behind her in a loose ponytail.

Adeline smirked, and gestured for her to speak. The girl gulped, before plucking up her courage. “Hello. I’m Quinn, a second-year med student, and I’m here to prove that I’m not bo… I mean, I’m here to show how I’m a fun-loving student having a good time!”

Adeline’s smirk widened. “That’s not exactly the complete story though, is it?” She turned to the audience.

“Although Quinn has fully agreed to take part in the contest, her initial application was done without her knowledge by her course-mates as a joke! They didn’t expect her to be accepted – and still less, for her to leave the library long enough to actually agree! Mind you, she was a fairly easy pick – we wanted our contestants this year to be a nice mix of students, rather than just a bunch of exhibitionists – this isn’t Love Island!”

“The allergy checks didn’t help either,” Megan stage-muttered. “We definitely couldn’t afford the liability risk of giving anyone anaphylactic shock.”

“Well, fortunately enough, we’ve now got Quinn to treat it anyway! Who are your nominees, Quinn?”

“Smart is sexy – I’ve gone for Rachel Riley and Carol Vorderman, for obvious reasons, plus Pauley Perrette, because Abby Sciuto is awesome. Then Sophie Turner and Rose McIver, because I love Game of Thrones and iZombie, and finally, of course, Emma Watson.”

“Hmm, an interesting selection,” observed Megan. “There’s only one issue – Emma Watson has already been chosen by Lana. Are you ready to raise?”

Quinn looked nervous for a moment, then her expression settled. “For Hermione! Raise!”

The camera focused on Lana, who looked intensely irritated. “I’m not going to back down against a med student – law is just as prestigious! Match!”

Adeline laughed. “It looks like Quinn and Lana are going to head-to-head! Time to go over to Waverly!”

The curtain behind the contestant’s area whisked open to reveal the ever-cheerful Waverly accompanied by two burly stagehands, each carefully carrying a table on which stood a cauldron. They set them down in the open area between the main stage and the contestants’ chairs, all of whom were trying to peer at what was in the bowls.

Waverly giggled. “Thanks, Addy! Our first game, in honour of Hermione, is Snitch Bobbing! Concealed in each of our Potion Cauldrons is a Golden Snitch, and the first one to retrieve it is the winner! Don’t be afraid though, Muggles – it’s not dangerous potions we’re keeping in there, but something that students like you should be much more familiar with – baked beans! Oh, and of course – just like with Apple Bobbing, no hands allowed!”

Both of the girls looked ill at ease with the challenge before them – Lana realising, perhaps for the first time, that she really was going to get messy, and Quinn remembering all too well many unsuccessful attempts at apple bobbing as a child. Their expressions made Adeline smile. She clapped briskly.

“Come on then – time to play! 3…2…1… go!”

Clever Quinn quickly sized up her major advantage in this game, and, after swiftly removing her glasses, with no hesitation she applied herself to the task. As she had surmised, Lana was much more hesitant, peering into her cauldron with dismay for precious seconds before she made her first attempt.

By that point, Quinn was already making a second attempt after coming up for air,her blonde hair swirled orange with tomato sauce, and it was now that Quinn’s second advantage became apparent. Her ponytail, while far from the height of fashion, was almost perfect for a game such as this, sturdy enough to survive repeated dunkings while keeping her hair out of her face.

Poor Lana, on the other hand, was struggling – as was her elaborate and stylish hairstyle. With each desperate attempt she made, it only fell apart further, and before long Lana was distracted by having to spit her stray red hairs out of her mouth every time for took a desperate gasp for air. Her increasingly desperate dives into the cauldron had started get tomato sauce over her smart white shirt, as well.

Lana actually had her head deep in the cauldron at the moment that Quinn bobbed triumphantly up, the snitch caught neatly in her mouth, and Waverly had to tap her on the shoulder to let her know. She jerked out of the cauldron with a start, a crushed bean stuck to her nose, no longer exactly the image of the smart, aspiring lawyer she had started as, and looked over at Quinn in disbelief.

Quinn, for her part, looked gleeful at her victory, uncaring of the mess. Her incongruously clean glasses back on her messy, bean-smeared face, she turned, almost catching Adeline with the end of her ponytail, which at some point had gone into the cauldron as well.

“It looks like our winner is Quinn! As such, she gains Emma Watson as a nominee, but with a double-score if she loses. And as for our loser, Lana – she now has a double-score on Emma’s opponent in this round – AnnaSophia Robb!”

Quinn and Lana were handed a towel each to clean up with as Adeline made her way back to the stage to greet the next contestant.

And, well, this was more of type of expected contestant than the shy Quinn. A short, slender Japanese girl dressed like she was going clubbing strode confidently onto stage on strappy red shoes that tried to add to her height. Her black hair was also in a ponytail, but this was a neat and trendy high one that left a long fall of hair swaying behind her.

“Welcome, contestant six!”

“Thanks, Adeline!” replied the girl, with a slight birmingham accent. “My name’s Hana, and I’m a student and dancer studying at Exeter.”

Adeline looked at Hana’s clothing, and raised an eyebrow. “What kind of dancer, exactly?”

Hana just grinned, and didn’t respond.

“Your predictions, please?”

“I’ve learned as a dancer that confidence is queen, so my celebrities are people whose attitude I admire. I’ve gone for Lucy Pinder, Kelly Brook, Anna Kendrick, Hailee Steinfield, Olivia Holt, and… well, those workout videos! Madeleine Petsch!”

“Thank you, Hana. If Megan has nothing further to add…? Then you can make your way to the contestants’ area, and we can meet our next player!”

The fanfare blared – it was rapidly becoming quite annoying – and the next contestant stepped on stage. Her clothes were immediately recognisable as a reproduction of Harley Quinn’s iconic costume from Suicide Squad – and they didn’t look like a cheap costume rental version either. The girl wearing them was certainly pretty enough to look good in them, even if she was no Margot Robbie, and the finishing touch of the hairstyle looked like her own, dyed, rather than a wig.

“Welcome, contestant number seven! Are you Harley, or Margot?”

The girl giggled. “It’s Casey. I’m a student and semi-professional cosplayer, but I thought this competition would be a great opportunity to increase my experience at cosplaying in public – if I can do it here, any con should be easy!”

“… You’re certainly not wrong. Who are your predictions, Casey?”

“I’m supporting my idols, and my inspirations – Jessica Nigri, Marie-Claude Bourbonnais, Meg Turney, Barbara Dunkelman, Melissa Benoist – I did a pretty good dual Kara/Supergirl cosplay last year, by the way – and, of course…” she pointed with both thumbs at her costume – “my girl Margot Robbie.”

Megan spoke up. “Only problem there, as I’m sure you’re aware, is that Margot Robbie has already been chosen by Lana. Are you prepared to raise the stakes?”

“As easy-going as I am, I can’t really rock this costume and not support Harley, can I? Raise!”

The camera went to Lana once again, who looked genuinely enraged at another challenge. She was also clearly not fully recovered from the last – although she had managed to scrub the beans from her face and hair, there were a few orange stains on her shirt that were not so easily removed, and despite her best efforts to restore her hairstyle it was noticeably tattered and lopsided.

“Match! I am not losing another one of my nominations to some-” She cut herself off with some effort, visibly fuming.

“Yay!” cried Waverly. “Another challenge! In honour of Margot Robbie, this one is ‘Escape from the Sewers of Gotham’!”

With an improbable, unexpected clunk, the entire floor of the open area before the seats began to retract, revealing a large pool of uncertain depth filled with unpleasantly murky green slime – though, at least, it certainly wasn’t actual sewage.

“The keys to your escape have fallen into the sludge, and it’s a race against time, and each other to retrieve them! The winner is the one who manages to have grabbed the most keys after one minute has passed!”

Both Lana and Casey stared at the pool. Casey raised an uncertain hand. “Can I take my boots off?”

Adeline smiled. “You can take off as much of your clothes as you want – and since I’m feeling generous, I’ll even let you put them back on afterwards!”

Casey swiftly removed her boots and jacket, and rolled up the sleeves of her top. Lana similarly removed her high heels and jacket, and considered the rest of her clothes for a moment. Her white shirt would stain from the sludge easily, and her trousers put her at a definite disadvantage against Casey’s short shorts! – but in the end, modesty won, and she contented herself with rolling up her sleeves.

The two contestants slipped into the knee-deep sludge, Lana releasing an unplanned squeal as she did so. They looked to Adeline to start them off – and at the moment they did so, she dropped her hand.

Immediately, frantic music began to blare over the speakers, and the two girls swiftly started to fish into the sludge for the keys. The worst thing about the pool was that the bottom of it wasn’t flat – and thanks to the murkiness of the sludge, this wasn’t apparent. It may have merely been knee-deep at the edge, but it was deeper still further in – and it didn’t do so steadily, either, as Lana discovered to her shock when she suddenly found herself plunging into the muck almost to her waist. At least she’d managed to keep her balance and not fall over completely, she thought.

That was the only good part of it, for her – whether due to luck or to being more active and athletic than the law student, Casey had found one key almost immediately and had managed to find a second as Lana flailed in the deep end. Then Lana felt something with her toes – a key! She started to reach down to pick it up before realising that as deep as the sludge was here, to retrieve the key would require her to almost submerge herself completely. Thinking quickly, she used her feet to shuffle the key over to a shallower patch before triumphantly retrieving it – but all of this had cost her precious time. At least Casey hadn’t yet managed to find a third key, but she was still in the lead! Lana panicked and tried to move quickly to the as-yet unexplored far end of the pool, only to find herself slipping in the murky slime. She screamed, but managed to catch herself with her hands before falling under completely.

And by chance, one of her hands had fallen onto a key! A draw!-is what Lana got to think for exactly one second, before she heard Casey’s cry of triumph upon finding her third key – just as the klaxon sounded.

The two contestants made their way out of the sludge, Casey noticeably more triumphant than Lana.

“It looks like another loss for Lana – and another of your picks gone. Your new nomination – with a double score, at that – is Margot’s opponent in this round, Asami.”

Having won – and managed to get her choice of nominee to fit her costume – Casey looked pretty cheerful. It probably helped that the sludge hadn’t done much harm to her costume, the few splats and stains on her top only serving to help the distressed look, while the slime easily wiped off of her fishnets, especially with the help of a towel.

Lana as much less happy – one of her sleeves had fallen loose at one point, dropping into the sludge and looking quite stained, while her trousers were wrecked, drenched with sludge to her upper thighs – something than the towel provided couldn’t do much to help with. She almost regretted not having taken them off… but that would have been far too embarrassing!

She squelched her way back to her seat and sat down with a huff as the fanfare heralded the arrival of the next contestant.

The woman who stepped through the curtains this time was noticeably older then her student competition, perhaps in her late twenties. Dressed similarly to Lana in a business suit, albeit with a knee-length skirt rather than trousers, and dark brown pinned hair elegantly framing her heart-shaped, bespectacled face.

She smiled confidently as she stepped forward to join Adeline at stage front.

“Welcome, contestant eight! You certainly don’t look like a conventional student – what’s your story?”

“I’m Isobel, and I’m an accountant back at university as a mature student to study for a second degree in finance to accompany my first in maths. I’m here to show these girls that experience of the world counts for a lot more than mere youthful exuberance – starting with my choice of nominees! I’ve noticed so far that a lot of the more mature celebrities in the Gunge Grand Prix have been left by the wayside, so I’m here to correct that – my choices are  Michelle Fairley, JK Rowling, Helena Bonham-Carter, Shirley Manson, Cameron Diaz, and Alyson Hannigan.”

“Thank you, Isobel,” said Megan. “All legitimate choices, so far unselected – and with an average age between them of just over fifty.”

Adeline ushered Isobel towards the contestants’ area as the fanfare blared yet again.

If Isobel had been older than the girls before her, the girl who stepped through now seemed younger. Certainly not physically – the figure underneath her tight brown riding uniform proved that, at least – but the sulky expression on her face brought to mind a recalcitrant toddler. The impression wasn’t helped by the snootily upturned snub nose or the elaborately styled long and curly butter blonde hair – and the way she stomped her way to the front of the stage in her long black riding boots definitely finished the look.

“This is ridiculous!” The girl began, impeccable English coloured slightly with a faint Estonian accent. “Daddy’s lawyers will make you tear up your ridiculous contracts!”

“Welcome to the show, contestant 9. You don’t seem to want to be here – but why did you sign the contract in the first place?”

“I wanted to humiliate some stupid English peasants, of course! But this ridiculous obsession you British have with slime is disgusting – do you know how much this hairstyle cost? At least I could choose to wear my most practical clothes!”

Adeline blinked. “Your most practical clothes are… a horse riding outfit? Anyway, could you at least introduce yourself, tell us your name?”

“My name, and make sure you pronounce it correctly, is Katye, and I’m an Estonian studying in this filthy country at a so-called university that’s supposed to be the best in the world. Only now my enrollment is tied up with your ridiculous contracts just because of a few previous ‘incidents’, and some stupid peasant girls who complained!”

“I… think I understand. Very well – who are your nominations, Katye?”

“The first was easiest – I chose Gwyneth Paltrow, of course – the things she sells are wonderful products, and at such affordable prices as well!”

“This would be her Goop store, yes? Not exactly known for reasonable prices by most normal standards… but the known is pretty appropriate for this contest, at least!”

Katye sneered. “Ugh. British humour. I also chose Stephanie McMahon, since as a businesswoman she would understand the importance of money, and then I resorted to a careful selection of ambitious and talented young women – Maria Sharapova, Daniella Perkins, Miranda Kerr, and Daya.”

“None of them British, I note.”

Katye smiled. “Of course not.”

“Well, thank you, Katye – I look forward to seeing how you fare after the results. Time for our next contestant!”

The fanfare blared yet again as the next contestant stepped onto stage. She was a freckled girl with frizzy ginger hair dressed oddly in a T-shirt, trousers with a question-mark pattern, big brown boots, and an extremely long, multicoloured scarf wrapped around her next several times, and almost, but didn’t quite, obscure that the print on her T-shirt showed the faces of every actor to play the main character on Doctor Who. 

She grinned wildly as she stepped up to join Adeline.

“Contestant ten, welcome to the show! I’m gathering that you’re a fan of… Star Trek, perhaps?”

The young woman laughed. “Very funny, Adeline! Before I begin, I just want to say: Mandip Gill for GGP 2019! Whoo! My name’s Grace, student and president of my uni’s Sci-Fi Club, and as I’m sure you can guess, I’m here to support the many cast members of Doctor Who in the Gunge Grand Prix.”

Adeline nodded. “So I think we can safely assume that your nominations will be…?”

“The Thirteenth Doctor, Martha, Amy, Clara, Sally Sparrow and Astrid Peth.”

Megan chuckled. “Better known to most people as Jodie Whitaker, Freema Agyeman, Karen Gillan, Jenna Coleman, Carey Mulligan, and Kylie Minogue. The only problem being, unfortunately, that two of your choices have already been selected… and both of them by Lana.”

“I can’t blame her, because Doctor Who is obviously the best, but I’m not about to abandon Amy or Clara. I’m ready to raise for both.”

“You’ll have a chance to reconsider after the first challenge. But for Karen Gillan – Lana, match or fold?”

The camera focused on the aspiring lawyer, now looking even more annoyed than before. “It’s not fair for her to try to steal two of my nominations! This is blatant victimization! Match!” She made a desperate attempt to appeal to Adeline.

“There’s nothing in the roles against this – and I think it’s clear enough in this case than Grace’s choice have nothing to do with you anyway. Still, since we’re now going head-to-head , it’s over to Waverly to explain the next challenge!”

“Our next game is called ‘Taster Session’! It’s a simple task of rewarding which of you is the best at recognising flavours… of the pies that I slam into your faces!” She pulled a pair of blindfolds from behind her back. “Please put these on, you two. There are three flavours of pies; the winner is the one who correctly identifies the most flavours.”

Grace carefully unwound her scarf and placed it on the floor next to her before placing the blindfold securely over her eyes. Lana decided to keep her jacket on this time – and in her case, Waverly double-checked that the blindfold was placed correctly. She carefully stood the two girls next to each other before skipping behind the curtain – emerging holding two large blue cream pies, somehow managing to balance one on each hand casually and easily. Still more impressively was how she managed to slam the pies directly into the faces of Grace and Lana with no pause whatsoever.

“Gah!” Lana spluttered. “Ugh… this is…”

For her part Grace was silent, thinking as she carefully tasted a little of the pie splattered over her face. It certainly reminded her of something, but… the penny dropped.

“It’s blueberry!” Grace shouted. “Hah, it’s a reference to Karen playing Nebula, I bet – I guess our faces are bright blue right now as well!”

As it happened, she was right on both counts – though the force with which Waverly had struck meant that their hair and clothes has received a fair bit of splatter as well. The two girls tried to wipe as much of the pie off of their faces as they could, to avoid mixing up the flavours if nothing else.

Once again Waverly returned bearing a pie in each hand, but this time Lana – now more desperate than ever not to lose yet another challenge – was listening carefully enough to hear her approach. At the very last moment before the pie struck her face, she opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue – and immediately regretted it.

The force with which Waverly slammed the pies into their faces meant that, with Lana’s mouth open wide, she soon found herself choking. It was extremely uncomfortable,but at least she was able to – amidst wheezing for breath – to gasp out “Strawberries and cream!” a mere moment before Grace could.

Lana struggled to catch her breath and prepare herself for the final challenge, with all to play for. Grace felt equally tense, the two young women standing next to each other and almost feeling the tension of each other. Lana couldn’t help but wonder how bad she looked at this point – she prided herself on looking the model of a put-together lawyer, but now she was standing in slime-soaked trousers, her once-pristine white shirt stained with beans and pies, with bedraggled hair, and with pie filling and cream dripping off of her face. She was so focused on her concern about this that she missed Waverly’s return, and the slam of the final pie into her face took her by complete surprise.

She screamed in shock, her arms flinging into the air, and globs of pie flying from her face. It only took her a second to realise what was happening, however, and she frantically began to slide the bits of pie from her face and into her mouth. It was a pretty distinct flavour.

“Chocolate! It’s chocolate!” Lana shouted, the instant before Grace’s shout.

Unfortunately for Lana, Grace’s shout was instead the more complete “Chocolate coconut!” – and that was indeed the correct answer, as Adeline gleefully announced. The enraged Lana ripped the blindfold from her face – further disturbing her hairstyle – her clean eyes almost seeming to blaze with rage in the midst of her pie-smeared face.

“No! This is ridiculous and unfair!” She stamped her foot, wobbling slightly on her heels as she did so, then threw up her hands in rage. Adeline handed her and Grace towels – not quite managing to suppress her smile as she did so – and turned to look at Megan as the two contestants frantically tried to scrub the mess from their faces and clothes. The latter was somewhat easier for Grace, on the grounds that a slightly messy t-shirt was frankly no big deal.

Megan spoke up. “The winner of that challenge was Grace, so she gains Karen Gillan as her nominee at the cost of double points for her. Lana gets her opponent, Amy Lee, for double points instead… you’re building up quite a stock of double pointers, Lana! In any case, time now for Jenna Coleman – are you still prepared to raise for Clara, Grace?”

Lana shot an angry look at Grace, perhaps hoping to intimidate her into backing down. It didn’t work. “Yes, I do. Raise!”

“And I match!” Lana shouted. “I am not losing another of my nominations to you!”

A strange creaking sound started across the set. Waverly bounded through the curtains, followed by burly stage hands, two of whom were carrying low benches, and two more pushing a bizarre contraption.

It seemed to consist of a large wheeled structure leading to two plexiglass boxes, each open on one side opposite to the other, and each with a wide pipe or spout at the top leading to a large opaque trough above both of them, and at the very bottom, a wide, empty tray. Waverly proudly presented it to the audience, before handing each of the girls a small pair of swimming goggles.

“The next challenge is called ‘Chicken Shit’ – a test of courage and determination to see which of you has the strength of will to deserve to win, and which of you is just chicken shit! All you have to do is lie on the bench and stick your head into the box, face up – the loser is the first to get scared and get out of there!”

“…And what’s in the trough?” asked Grace nervously.

Waverly grinned. “Well, there’s a clue in the name!”

Lana gagged just thinking of it, and Grace looked just as queasy at the prospect. But quite suddenly, Lana smiled.

The previous challenges had been physical things, but this was actually more of a psychological one – this was her area!

“Hey, Grace – I can’t imagine it’s easy to take care of hair that frizzy – can you really get mess out of with just a towel?” she asked, innocently. “I’d imagine that you get things just clumping up in there, and tangling… it must be a nightmare!”

Grace looked uneasy for a moment, but then clenched her jaw and devoted herself to ignoring Lana, fixing the goggles over her face with an expression of determination. Lana kept at it, grinning as she put her own goggles on.

“How familiar are you with chicken manure? I mean, you don’t really strike me as a rural type. Not that I am myself, of course, but I’ve actually read a little case law involving it, an amusing coincidence. Apparently, the smell of it lingers in a way that other kinds of muck spreading doesn’t – there are a lot of ordinances and what not limiting its use as a fertilizer due to the way people complain excessively about its ‘unpleasant odor’.”

The girls reclined on the benches, and placed their heads into the boxes simultaneously – though Grace now did so with somewhat more hesitation than Lana.

“Mind you, there’ve actually been uses found for that specific property, as well – some town councils have used it as what they call a ‘human deterrent’ to chase off tramps and the like, which just makes you think… I mean, homeless bums don’t smell great at the best of times, and if the smell of it is too much for them…”

“Lana,” Grace observed, “Are you sure you want to keep opening your mouth in this context?”

Lana paled, and snapped her mouth closed with a snap. Unfortunately for her, she’d devoted a fair chunk of her considerable intellect to thinking of ways to make the situation they were in seem as unpleasant as possible… and now all of those thoughts were rambling around in her brain, affecting her only. She whimpered involuntarily.

The trough above gurgled, and with a cry Lana launched herself off the bench. Realising that she had won, Grace followed… but not quite quickly enough. The contents of the trough began to flow through the pipes, slowly at first, and although Grace managed to avoid catching any on her face, she wasn’t quite swift enough to have avoided the stream entirely. With a whimper of disgust, Grace raised one hand to her hair, where a few bits of the stuff had matted in her hair. It was foul…. but, hey, didn’t people always say that having a bird do that onto you was lucky? In a way, it had been – she’d won again! She started to brighten up.

“I won’t accept this!” Lana screamed. “I… challenge this! Or I raise again!”

“That’s not fair!” Grace objected. “You can’t raise a second time! And I have chicken poop in my hair!”

Megan considered things. “Actually… the rules don’t specifically prohibit it. I think the ultimate ruling has to come from Adeline.”

Adeline considered this. “Well, as it happens, I believe we’re due for a commercial break, so I’ll take advantage of the time to think this over properly. Don’t go away, we’ll be back with much, much more!”

And Part Two! This series owes a debt to amosgrove’s sadly incomplete WSL World Cup series which I have to acknowledge; hopefully, I’ll be able to finish this series, though being this far behind with the introduction probably isn’t a good sign!

This story is purely a work of fiction. The story does NOT describe real events and the characters are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or persons is coincidence. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

As the adverts faded, the camera returned to Lana and Grace nervously awaiting Adeline’s decision. She was smiling confidently, with wasn’t really a good sign.

“Welcome back to the Messy Gunge Grand Prix! Before the break, Lana – who really hasn’t been having the greatest of luck in this show so far – attempted to raise for a second time to retain her prediction of Jenna Coleman, despite having failed the challenge. Now, due to an oversight, there’s nothing in the rules about this specific situation, so I’ve had to make a specific, one-time-only ruling, and I think I have a solution that most of you will enjoy, and all of you will accept.”

She turned to Grace. “Since you won this challenge, you can, if you so wish, get a blank slate. If you fold here, I’ll allow you to freely select another nomination at no penalty. If you choose to match, however, even if you win the challenge and keep Miss Coleman as your prediction, you’ll have to take the same raised score on her as Lana has – the same if you lose, on her opponent.”

Grace considered things. “I mean… that almost seems as if you’re trying to encourage me to fold. I don’t really want to risk putting that sort of stake up on a single prediction, since even though I’m sure Jenna Coleman will get through this round, I’m not that confident that she’ll win the whole contest. But… I have chicken poop in my hair. I don’t want to just cede this whole thing to Lana after I got chicken poop in my hair.”

Adeline chuckled. “You don’t actually have to decide until you hear the whole terms for Lana, which I think will make things easier for you-” at that, Lana started to look a little uneasy. ” – since Lana has already chickened out of this prediction once, for her to raise won’t be as simple as just saying so. To prove the strength of her convictions, she’ll have to complete a special solo challenge of my choice.”

Adeline’s voice became incredibly silky as she turned to look at Lana. “And since we have the box right here already… Your challenge is keep your head in the box until I tell you that you can get out. And since you’ve already raised… if you refuse now, or fail to complete the challenge, we’ve already upped your stake, so your nominee will be Jenna Coleman’s opponent with a doubled punishment multiplier. And, as per the standard raise rules, all of this comes before Grace even has to make her own choice to match or fold.”

Lana now looked genuinely horrified, and clearly regretted her hasty words. But it was clear to her that there was no way at this point for her to get a better deal. She turned to look at the contraption.

“Hasn’t it already activated though… I mean, there’s already chicken manure in the bottom of that box…”

“It’ll make it a comfy place to rest your head!” Adeline said. “And don’t worry – there’s still plenty more left in the trough!”

Lana swallowed, looking nauseous. Hesitantly, as if sleepwalking, she sat down on the bench, and replaced her goggles before turning to recline. At the last moment she stopped, as if trying to think of something else to add, but then screwed up her face into a miserable pout and put her head carefully into the box – groaning with disgust as she felt the back of her head make contact with the unmentionable slime now slathered across its base. She closed her eyes tightly, unwilling to see her doom coming, and waited for it to arrive.

And waited.

With a… for lack of a better phrase, shit-eating grin, Adeline pulled a small remote control out of her dress, and displayed it to the audience before handing it over to Grace with quiet ceremony. Grace stared at it for a moment, biting her lip.

Lana’s patience ran out. She opened her eyes. “Ugh, seriously, is this going to be-”

And Grace pushed the button.

Unfortunately for Lana, it seemed that the earlier deployment of the pipe system had merely served to clear it of any bubbles – this time there was no telltale gurgle to give advanced warning.

It came out of the pipe in a sudden flood, a vicious downpour flowing directly into Lana’s face. She managed to clamp her mouth shut – albeit not quite in time –  and suppress her impulse to scream, which would have made things far worse. Her arms and legs flailed and kicked in some futile instinct, but she managed to remain in place as the grotesque torrent streamed directly onto her face.

After what seemed at eternity, the torrent slowed to a trickle before stopping, and Lana listened for Adeline telling her she could get out – she wasn’t about to risk going through this only to fail the challenge on a technicality – but the only thing she could hear was the laughter of both Adeline and Grace. She considered saying something, but the thought of opening her mouth at the moment was repulsive. She was uncomfortably aware that she would need to breathe soon, and wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest.

“Okay, Lana,” came Adeline’s comment at last, struggling around her laughter “You pass…” and with no hesitation Lana was out of there with a shot, huddling on the bench as far as she could get from the box as she frantically wiped her face clear sufficiently to make a breath – if not pleasant, at least not completely horrible. The moment she did, she wished that she hadn’t – the smell! She retched miserably, huddled in on herself, as far from the elegant and confident lawyer as could be imagined.

And she was a sight! The stuff totally coated her head all over, with the goggles having protected her at all; some of had even splashed onto her jacket as it made its way into the tray. She removed her goggles, the picture of misery.

Adeline stopped laughing long enough to turn to Grace. “Well, I think that was a sufficient demonstration of Lana’s commitment – do you want to match or fold?”

Grace giggled. “It’s certainly made me feel a little better about the bit of poo I had in my hair at least – it could have been much, much worse, right Lana?

“But I think I’m not willing to push my luck with another challenge – I mean, I wouldn’t even want to stand too close to Lana right now! – so I’ll fold. It may not be Doctor Who, but I’ll take Padme – Natalie Portman – as my prediction.”

Adeline handed her a towel before turning to Lana.

“And congratulations, Lana – you get to keep your prediction of Jenna Coleman – I just hope that you think it was worth the price! Go and get cleaned up while I welcome our next contestant!” As ever, Lana was handed a single towel, and stared at it in shock for a moment, almost seeming as if she might burst into tears at the absurd insult of having to clean herself with such a pathetically derisory item.

Ignoring her utterly, Adeline turned to return to the front of the stage as the fanfare blared yet again.

The girl who appeared this time was a pigtailed brunette with a cheerfully dim smile, dressed in a shaggy pink jacket over a particularly low-cut lacy black top that exposed an impressive amount of cleavage; the look was finished off with denim pedal pushers and rose gold wedges. She waved to the audience before making her way towards the front of the stage.

“Hello contestant eleven, and welcome to the Messy Gunge Grand Prix. Can you tell us a bit about yourself?”

“Hi everyone! I’m Jak, a part-time student and a full-time party-goer, and I’m here because some of my course-mates told me that it would be great fun and an awesome time!”

“Friends of yours, or…? Never mind. Who are your nominees, Jak?”

Jak grinned. “I didn’t recognise a lot of the people on there since you didn’t have anyone famous from Love Island or The Only Way is Essex or anything, so I just picked the ones whose names I liked! I chose Felicia Day, Savannah May, and Marisha Ray, because they all rhymed!”

She giggled. “Then I chose Lzzy Hale and Joanna Jędrzejczyk, because their names are funny, and Selena Gomez, because I remember she used to date Justin Bieber, so she must be super-lucky!”

Megan interjected. “Ah… there’s actually a problem here that I wasn’t expecting.”

Adeline’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about? What have you done?”

“It’s not my fault!” Megan protested. “I didn’t think this rule would be relevant yet, so I thought I could explain it for the next round! Obviously, there’s no point in a contestant having both of the celebrities in a match-up, but I didn’t think anyone would actually select them!”

Adeline sighed. “Looks like you’ve… messed up, Megan. What’s the rule as it’s written?”

“If at any point a contestant has as their prediction two celebrities matched up in that round, they have to pick who they think will win, getting a double-multiplier on that celebrity and ceding the other. And Jak has just chosen both Marisha Ray and Savannah May, who are competing in the first round.”

“So she has to pick which of them will win… does she get to make another pick?”

Megan shrugged. “Well, in later rounds there are rules for allowing surviving contestants to get more celebrities, but they specifically don’t apply in the first round. You could just let her have another pick, since this is an unplanned circumstance.”

Adeline thought about it. “No, I don’t think so – she can stick with five. And don’t think you’ve gotten away with messing up like this either, Megan.”

She turned to face Jak, and then blinked. “Uh, did you follow that conversation at all?”

Jak shook her head, still grinning vacantly. Adeline sighed. “Okay, you have to pick which of Savannah May or Marisha Ray you think will win. Can you do that?”

Jak thought about it for a second before shaking her head again. Adeline covered her face with her hand. “Right, of course. Okay… uh… pick the one that you think has the funniest name.”

Jak nodded brightly, and devoted herself to this task with an almost comical amount of effort. “Um… it’s really hard… but I think it’s Savannah May. Saaaa-vaaaa-naaaaah.” She giggled.

Adeline took a deep breath. “Very good. You have a double-penalty placed on Savannah May. Please make your way over to the contestants’ area… if that’s not beyond your abilities. Next contestant. Please.”

The fanfare blared. The next girl to appear was also showing a lot of skin like Jak, but in a very different way – this was intensely toned, light brown skin, displayed by the workout wear that the athletic girl was wearing – tight shorts and a sports bra under an open sports jacket, all in shades of blue and yellow that were clearly those of her team. She strode to the front of the stage looking confident and serious, curly halo of light brown hair around her head.

“Welcome to the Messy GGP, contestant twelve. I’m guessing that you’re here to win?”

The girl nodded, entirely seriously. “Of course. What’s the point of doing anything except to win? My name’s Nikki – I’m a Sports Science student and student athlete, but I’ve been competing since I was a child. This contest of yours is no different.”

“Well, I’m not sure that this is the type of contest that you’d be used to, and you might not find it as easy to win as all that. Who are your nominations, Nikki?”

“Obviously, I’ve chosen winners – athletes capable of doing what it takes to succeed. Alex Scott MBE, Madison Keys, Michelles Wie and Waterson, Anastasia Yankova, and Paige VanZant.”

“Very good. There’s no problem with any of these, Megan? Then if you can make your way over the contestants’ area please, Nikki.”

Once again, the fanfare blared, and a young woman leapt through, banging her head to the beat, her moves causing her shoulder-length dark green hair to fly every which way. She grinned at the audience, revealing her pierced lower lip, and made made her way to the front of the stage. She was dressed in a leather jacket and skirt over, respectively, a fishnet top and a black bra tight enough to demonstrate that the lip wasn’t her only body piercing, and ripped red tights.

“Unlucky contestant thirteen – but unlucky for you, or for your opponents? Why are here on the Messy GGP?”

“I’m Raven, lead singer of Sex Rampage, and also a student, I guess. I’m here to get some exposure for our band.”

Adeline laughed. “Well, I can certainly promise you exposure! Who are your celebrity predictions, Raven?”

“There’s a lot of great singers in the GGP this year, so I’m putting my predictions on them: Elize Ryd, Simone Simons, Suzuka Nakamoto, Hayley Williams, Floor Jansen… and just for her famously impressive vocal range, Mariah Carey.”

“No problems with any of them,” Megan observed. “Maybe you’ll get the chance to sing for us later in the contest, Raven!”

“I wouldn’t count on it.” said Adeline. “That’s not really the type of exposure I was thinking of for her. We’ll see more of you later, Raven. Time for our next contestant!”

The fanfare blared. The next young woman to appear on stage looked just as serious as Nikki did, but otherwise had blonde hair cut boyishly short, and was wearing an open flannel shirt over cargo trousers and a T-shirt displaying the message ‘My favourite cocktail is vodka and male tears’.  She stomped to the front of the stage.

“This whole competition is misogynistic and objectifying and should be banned!” she shouted. “It’s nothing more than a typical male expression of anti-women hate, and all of you women taking part are traitors to their gender!”

Adeline paused. “I’m a little confused – aren’t you taking part in this yourself as well?”

“Obviously, I’m only taking part to discredit and take down this patriarchal institution from within. My name is Octavia, and I’m a gender studies student and proud member of the feminist society at the University of Sussex.”

“Thank you. Are you willing to share your predictions with us, or would that be some kind of patriarchal imposition?”

“I don’t think that’s very funny, but I’ll let you know who my choices are anyway. I choose Geri Halliwell, for representing Girl Power, Katy Perry, for her excellent last album which made many vital political points, Emma Stone, Scarlett Johannson and Cate Blanchett, for being exceptional actresses able to demonstrate the astonishing range of possibilities that all women are capable of, and Shappi Khorsandi, for her excellent comedy.”

“Okay, then. Are you happy to make your way over to the contestants’ area, or do you need a special section of your own? In any case, let’s move on to the next contestant!”

With another blare of that dreadful fanfare, the next contestant made her way onto stage. This was a young black woman with her black hair in braids, dressed casually in jeans and a blue jacket over a striped top. She stepped to the front of the stage, smiling uneasily.

“Welcome, contestant fifteen! Introduce yourself, please!”

“Thank you, Adeline. My name is Emmy, and I’m a student, politician, and activist – and a feminist, as well. I’d just like to say that people such as Octavia don’t represent all of us – and while of course I don’t have the right to say that she’s doing feminism ‘wrong’ or can’t self-describe herself as one, she’s very much unrepresentative of the many brilliant and inspiring young women who I’ve had the opportunity to meet in the course of my work-”

“Thank you, Emmy, but this isn’t the hustings – can you move on to your predictions, please?”

“Of course, Adeline – and I’m happy to do so. While I obviously admire Octavia’s forthrightness and conviction, I did find some of her choices surprising, since her nominations were not exactly the inspiring celebrities I myself would have chosen. I myself have chosen Beyonce, of course, for being an icon and an inspiration, Demi Lovato, who with her forthright honesty about her struggles I think is in many ways a better pop representative than Katy Perry, Camille Hyde and Jodie Whitaker, each of whom have taken proud steps forward as representatives, being the first African-American Pink Ranger and the first female Doctor Who, respectively, Fan Bingbing, to demonstrate my support for an incredibly talented young woman who has been targeted unjustly by an authoritarian regime-”

“Very good, thank you, but we don’t have all night – can you just give us your last pick without an entire speech to justify why?”

“Of course, Adeline, if that’s the limits of the time allowed. Bebe Rexha.”

Adeline blinked. “Bebe Rexha? But… why… oh, never mind. Please go and soapbox your fellow contestants instead.”

“Ah, one moment,” Megan interrupted. “Before Emmy does so, one of her choices is a conflict. Jodie Whitaker was already selected by Grace.”

Adeline paused. “I must admit, I’d entirely forgotten that it was possible to steal from anyone except Lana. Are you prepared to raise, Emmy?”

“I am always prepared to stand up for my beliefs, Adeline, but at the same time we must recognise that politics is the art of the possible, and hence the importance of compromise. There is a necessary struggle to reconcile these conflicting requirements of-”

“Raise. Or. Not.”

“… Then I raise.”

Martial music! The camera focused in on Grace, who it seemed had somehow managed to clean the majority of the chicken poop out of her hair, and was wearing her scarf once more. She grinned. “I’m not letting the Thirteenth Doctor go without a fight! I match!”

Waverly leapt onto stage, smiling cheerfully. “Oh, the next game is great! This is ‘Touch of Defeat!’- please both of you remove your shoes and socks.”

Grace and Emmy groaned at the pun, but complied. Grace, obviously keen to keep the theme going, was wearing thick blue socks patterned to resemble the TARDIS; Emmy was wearing bright red ankle socks under her pink trainers. She wriggled her toes nervously in the cold air.

“I’m sure you might have some idea of what this game will involve,” Waverly began. “Grace might have the advantage here, since this is another test of your senses just like the pie challenge you won earlier. We’re not testing your tastebuds, this time, but your sense of touch.”

“Just as with ‘Taster Session’, it’s best of three – slide your feet into a series of wellies which already contain a mystery substance, and be the first to identify what you’ve just put your foot into. Are you both ready?”

Emmy giggled helplessly, and Grace grinned – both of them certainly seemed to be taking the challenge in better spirits than Lana had. They looked at each other and grinned, and slid their feet into the first pair of wellies simultaneously. Emmy immediately squealed.

“Ew! It’s cold and gross! I think it’s baked beans?”

“No,” Grace said, and started giggling. “It’s spaghetti hoops – I’ve got one caught on my little toe!”

“Grace is correct!” Waverly announced. The girls withdrew them feet from the wellies – both of them laughing as they saw that Grace did indeed have a spaghetti hoop somehow looped over one of her little toes – and wiped their feet dry with towels provided as stagehands whisked a new pair of boots forward. Emmy was first to wipe her feet, and stood drumming her toes nervously as she waited for Grace to join her.

Grace was ready before long, and once again they slipped on the wellies at the same time. This time it was Grace who cried out.

“Oh, that’s jelly… or custard? It’s so many textures!”

“It’s trifle!” Emmy exclaimed. “You put trifle in there! What a waste!”

Grace laughed as Waverly confirmed that this time it was Emmy who had guessed correctly. She was having fun, and she didn’t really mind if Emmy won, since unlike Lana she seemed to be a nice girl with her heart in the right place. She carefully wiped her feet off for the second time, only pausing to fling a bit of sponge finger in Emmy’s rough direction – it missed completely, but Emmy laughed and pretended to cower anyway.

Both of them stood up as they prepared for the deciding round. They looked at each other. Emmy mouthed “3…2…” and the two girls stepped into the wellies at the same time.

They both screamed. “Ugh/Yuck – this is dog/cat food!”

Waverly laughed. “Well, under normal circumstances, I’d have accepted either answer, but since you both answered at the same time, we’ll use it as a tiebreaker! I can confirm that what you are both standing in right now is delicious Winalot – duck & rabbit in jelly to be precise – making our winner Grace!”

Grace cheered, and Emmy gave her a round of applause, grinning at her. They both stepped out the wellingtons with a squelch, grimacing comically as they did so.

“So who’s my nomination, Adeline?” Emmy asked as she cleaned the dog food off of her feet.

“As per the normal rules, you get Jodie Whitaker’s opponent in this round, which in this case is the lovely Christina Hendricks!”

Emmy nodded – she enjoyed Mad Men, so this wasn’t so bad. She and Grace made their way over to the contestants’ area together, barefoot and carrying their shoes, chatting and laughing as they went.

The fanfare blared for the final time. The next girl didn’t appear – until she suddenly stepped through. Poised, dressed in a long black skirt and red embroidered bodice, along with flowers laced through her long pale blonde hair, she swept dramatically to the front of the stage.

“I have no wish to steal your lines or thunder, Adeline,” she began. “But there are a few things I must address forthwith. While politics girl may have been hesitated to describe Octavia as ‘not-a-feminist’, I shall do so with no hesitation whatsoever. I would love to claim that this is because I, a thespian, recognise a similar student of the performing arts – and Octavia’s performance was indeed magnificent, if perhaps somewhat derivative! – but I must confess in truth, I am also a student at the University of Sussex, and I remember Ms Octavia as the conservative evangelical attention whore who attempted to get our play shut down last year on the grounds that it supposedly outraged public decency, the censorious bi-”

“Thank you, yes, there will time for all of this later – could you first introduce yourself to our audience?”

“Ah! Alas, in my eagerness to sate my desire for vengeance, I have neglected my audience. You may call me Fay, student, thespian, dramatiste!” She bowed deeply towards the audience.

“Excellent,” said Adeline. “Now that we have done that, could we please, briefly, have your predictions?”

“If it’s your wish, I won’t grace you with a monologue at this time,” Fay replied. “I have naturally enough chosen the finest thespians in the contest: Keeley Hawes, Anne Hathaway, Bryce Dallas Howard, Cate Blanchett, Christina Ricci, and Kate Beckinsale. A fine selection, I think you’ll agree.”

Megan narrowed her eyes. “And by pure coincidence, one of your choices just happens to be one already selected by Octavia.”

Fay’s eyes widened. “Ah! Pure serendipity, I promise you. And before you ask, I am indeed bound and determined to rise to this challenge before me, and face the lady Octavia in in whatever contest you decide – is she prepared to do the same?”

The cameras focused on Octavia, sitting in the contestants’ area, and no longer very uncertain. “Typical of a patriarchal game, to make women fight like this for their amusement! Wasn’t it said that there’s a special place in hell for women who fail to support other women? You shouldn’t be challenging me on this, Fay!”

Fay just laughed – though, this being Fay, the laugh she decided to make would have been more appropriate for a robber baron in a melodrama. “Are you prepared to face me, Octavia? Be thee wary, for I shall unmask thee for the villain that thou art!”

Octavia’s eyes darted from side-to-side. “This is ridiculous. I’m absolutely a real feminist, for real, and I’ll prove it by beating this whore in the next challenge! Match!”

Waverly gleefully shrieked as she bounded onto stage. “And this is the best challenge ever! Since we’re almost at the end of the show, and all of the contestants have now been introduced, they even get to join in! Octavia, Fay, go backstage and get kitted up; the rest of you meet me in the playing area, and I’ll explain more!

“The game is simple. Each of you will be given water bombs filled with slime, and your task is to throw them into the goal area whole and unbroken. Whichever of you gets the most will get a bonus in the next round! Of course, once you see what the goal area is, you might find yourselves a little tempted to throw them a little harder!”

Octavia and Fay plodded back onto the stage, and it was immediately obvious what Waverly was referring to. Each of the girls was wearing a large silicone bowl around their waist, attached to their shoulders by braces. Fay somehow contrived to make even this look dramatic, while Octavia was starting to look slightly worried, looking particularly vulnerable without her plaid overshirt.

“The winner of this challenge will be the contestant who has the most unbroken slime bombs in her bowl after all of them have been thrown. Now, since you’re going to be quite reliant on the good will of your fellow contestants in this challenge, is there anything that either of you would like to say to them before we begin?”

Octavia opened and closed her mouth a few times, and then bit her lip. “Sisters, don’t let this… agent of the patriarchy fool you into turning against me. We should be standing together to work against this objectification-”

Fay chuckled. “I must admit that I find your commitment to this role impressive, Octavia, especially given what this contest will ultimately involve. How far does your devotion to this little satyr-play go, I wonder? I certainly can’t imagine that you watched the WSL World Cup, prudish little sex kitten that you are.”

She turned to the other contestants. “My fellows! Do as you must, and let us see how the gods resolve our fates!”

Waverly nodded. “Okay, that was definitely weird. Go!”

It was immediate pandemonium.

Slime bombs immediately began flying at the two girls, and whether deliberately or not, very few of them landed safely in the bowls. Katye and Lana – presumably just glad to see someone else get messy – seemed to be throwing the bombs at both girls with the deliberate intention of sliming them; Raven, for her part, seemed to be focusing her efforts at Octavia in particular, and unlike the other two she actually had decent aim. One throw impacted against Octavia’s chest with stinging force, splattering slime across her t-shirt and causing it to cling tightly; another hit the side of head and splattered goo across her short hair as she screeched.

In fact, Octavia, was probably the favoured target – whether for being a stereotypical feminist or a parody of one – which was actually working out in her favour, though she didn’t realise it. A number of bombs of the bombs thrown at her actually managed to bounce off without bursting and fall unbroken into her bowl.

Octavia may have been too busy wiping the slime from her face and attempting to stop her increasingly soaked t-shirt from clinging too lewdly to her chest to notice that she was actually winning the challenge, but Fay didn’t. Apparently deciding to annoy the other contestants into targeting her instead of her faux-feminist opponent, she began to declaim a monologue in her loudest voice.

It worked – she immediately became the prime target – and perhaps due to previous experience from audiences throwing things at her, she managed to continue her obnoxious soliloquy even as slime coated her body and coloured her pale hair, with her bodice – already somewhat precarious – began to threaten to shift floorwards.  Petra and Hana, noticing this, redoubled their efforts in that direction in the hopes of dislodging it entirely.

Given a moment’s respite, Fay was attempting to stop her now-sodden t-shirt from clinging too lewdly to her chest, breathing heavily. Emmy called out to her.

“Is what Fay said true? Are you some kind of… agent provocateur, not any kind of feminist at all?”

Next to her, Denisse snickered. “She’s certainly pretty provocative in that t-shirt!”

Octavia blushed. “Shut your pleb mouth, you immigrant slut! Of course I’m not a bloody man-hating feminist, you stupid socialist-”

Emmy caught Grace’s eye over Octavia’s shoulder, and nodded. Apparently stepping into dog food together had been an effective bonding experience. Once again moving in harmony, the two girls began to hurl their slime bombs at Octavia’s head from both sides simultaneously, cutting off her tirade with a scream. She stumbled backwards, slime exploding off her, and stepped onto one particularly poorly aimed slime bomb, courtesy of Jak. Her foot turned underneath her, and she tumbled.

As she hit the floor, she felt the slime bombs that she had managed to collect successfully explode against her back, the pooled slime coating her and even soaking through her trousers and into her underwear. She groaned in disgust.

And like that, the challenge was over, with Fay the clear winner. She, of course, took a dramatic bow, once again almost dislodging her bodice, and smiled as she readjusted it. Octavia, thoroughly drenched in slime stepped forward miserably as Waverly announced the results.

“As the loser of the challenge, Octavia has been assigned Lexi Thompson as her nominee, at a double penalty. The winner of the bonus is, unsurprisingly, Nikki – you’ll receive an advantage before the next round. Back to you, Adeline!”

Adeline stood at the front of the stage, smirking slightly.

“Now, that’s almost the end of the show – but before we leave you, there’s just time for me to explain how the forfeits will work for round one. As ever, I’ve got Megan here to help me.”

At her desk, Megan looked confused. “Um… I don’t really know anything about how the forfeits are decided, Adeline. I’m just in charge of-”

“Don’t worry, we don’t need you to explain. Come and stand with me – you’re going to help in another way. You get to be the demonstration!”

Megan’s eyes widened, and she tried to protest.

“Ah ah ah! Unfortunately for you, over the course of this show, you’ve messed up a few times – so I think it’s fair that you get messed up in turn!

“First of all, you took a little longer to describe the rules than I would have liked, losing focus as you so often do… that’s one point, the equivalent of one of our contestants losing one nomination. One out of six isn’t really so bad, and shows pretty good judgment – they’ll lose the chance at the bonus for getting through unscathed, but get immunity from any celebrity-specific messy penalty. So good news, Megan!”

Megan did not look notably reassured.

“Next you ended up arguing with Becca, our cheerleader contestant. I’m afraid to say that that’s a second point for you! Luckily for you, in this round we’re going easy on our contestants – two is still a pretty good score, so there’s no penalty in this round for just reaching this threshold. Our contestants will no longer be protected from any bonus punishments, but that doesn’t apply in your case.

“Three points is where things start to get interesting. At that point, our contestant will have lost half of their nominations – essentially performing no better than chance. And unfortunately for you, Megan, you definitely got three points – you had to explain the rules for challenging during the game, completely interrupting the flow!”

“That’s not fair!” Megan protested. “It would have taken even longer to explain the rules at the start if I’d explained everything then!”

“Remember Rule Zero, Megan!” Adeline turned to the audience. “Now, any contestant who gets three points will first have to strip one item of clothing…”

Megan’s eyes widened for a moment, before she looked down at her shoes.

“Shoes do count as an item – but only one for both, same as socks, tights or stockings.”

The nerdy indian girl swiftly removed her sneakers and stood back upright, hoping that that would be all.

“…And along of course with any additional specific punishment, there’s also a specific forfeit for this – a delicious pie!”

A stagehand handed her the baked item, and she demonstrated it to the audience. Megan, looking miserable, made no protest, but merely removed her glasses before Adeline slammed the pie into her face. It hit hard, custard and cream coating her face and into her hair, as well as falling onto her red top.

Megan shook her head to clear it, and wiped away as much custard as she could – not especially successfully – before replacing her glasses and waiting for Adeline to continue.

“And then it turned out that you hadn’t mentioned the rules against two nominations in the same match at all! Tsk, tsk – that’s another point! A contestant who loses four of their nominees is doing poorly indeed, and along with of course having to strip one more item…”

Megan sighed, and removed her red top – it was pretty much covered in cream anyway – leaving her wearing her shirt and slacks.

“The additional messy forfeit at this threshold is some nice custard to go with the pie!”

With no warning, a stagehand tipped a carton of custard directly over Megan’s head, and she screamed with surprise and at the coldness of it. It splashed across her glasses and hair, and down over her shirt.

“When Lana tried to raise for a second time, you pushed the decision onto me. I’m afraid that’s one more point, Megan – bringing you to five! As you’ve probably guessed, that’s one more item of clothing removed, followed by another messy punishment.”

Megan paused, realising that she didn’t have much clothing left at this point. She certainly couldn’t remove her shirt or her slacks, that would be far too revealing! Fortunately, she was still wearing her socks, and she crouched down to peel them off, leaving her standing barefoot in the studio.

“Fine, one more item. And what’s the punishment?”

“It may be a bit earlier, we were feeling a little festive. Five…?”

“…Golden rings?” She screeched as a stagehand upended a bucket over her from behind, covering her in cold spaghetti hoops. The tomato sauce started to make her white shirt clinging and slightly translucent (not to mention orange), and she crossed her arms in front of her chest self-consciously. The hoops slid across her body to pile up on her bare feet. “Yuck! Adeline, this is disgusting! I never agreed to this!”

“Rule zero, Megan dear. Fortunately for you, that was all your mistakes… and in fact, any contestant who loses their sixth prediction in this round and receives six points would be out of the game anyway, and thus facing our special messy elimination – which will remain a surprise, for now!

“And with that, we’ve come to the end of the show – it’s goodbye from me, Adeline, and my assistants Megan-” The messed up girl waved, keeping her other hand across her chest, “-and Waverly. We’ll see you after the first round for our aftershow and results roundup!”

I don’t really have anything to say about Round 2 that Deee-lite didn’t say way back in 1992.

Registering’s not actually necessary. If you voted in round 1, the process is the same apart from where you mouse over. For a more mobile/tablet-friendly option, go here once I’ve got the links added.

I’m going to reopen the Hype Contest, but with a couple of small changes and clarifications.

• Since I’m treating Paige’s Pie Slide as the winner’s story for most successful hype, I’m opening the most heartfelt reasoning and funniest reasoning competitions.
• You still have only three reasons to argue for your celeb of choice.
• You can argue in favour of any of the 128, though you obviously can’t influence a vote that’s already over, and it won’t help someone who’s been eliminated.
• You don’t need to have nominated someone to contribute your three reasons to vote for someone. You can also argue to vote for someone who isn’t someone you nominated if you really want to!
• I’m keeping submissions open until the grand final closes. You can make your arguments on any GGP announcement post.
• Your prize for winning is a short story about the celeb you argue for getting messy on a TV show that I think is fitting. For instance, Paige VanZant being an American nominated by TerroristPie for her potential bravery made What Would You Do? feel like a natural fit.

I’ll also continue writing short messy stories where some of my characters meet my nominees, but the further they go the bigger and better the stories will be! The first one has been up for a few days now. It’s called “Gimme Chocolate (Cake)!!” and focuses on Yumiko from my Kayotics stories meeting Suzuka Nakamoto. The next one will be about Michelle from the same series meeting Floor Jansen. I haven’t settled on a title for it yet. Maybe that could be a competition too!

So yeah. Enjoy the stories, cheer on your faves and most importantly, do your democratic duty!

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

It’s a bit poll-tastic at the moment, so we might as well have another one

“Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Stricly Come Dancing. My name is Tess Daly and I will be your host for the show.”

Tess is wearing a sexy short white dress with white high heel shoes, which shows off her long legs.

“We are doing our bit for charity, by asking viewers at home which former Strictly contestant they would like to see perform a very special dance.”

Tess continues “The winner of the vote will have their dancing abilities tested to the limit by dancing a routine whilst having all sorts of messy things thrown at them and over them. They will then be scored for their dance, and if they receive an average score of 5 out of 10 or less, then they will also be taking a trip to our dunk tank”

“Without further ado, let me go through the former Strictly performers that have agreed to take part in this special charity event.

First up is Gemma Atkinson. The former Hollyoaks star was runner-up in 2017.

Next we have 31 year old singer Mollie King who also appeared in 2017, but was eliminated in week 12.

Former Coronation Street star Georgia May Foote is our third contestant who was also runner-up, but this time in 2015.

We also have our only previous winner, Caroline Flack. The 38 year old TV presenter won the 2014 series.

Breakfast TV star Susanna Reid took part in the 2013 programme and was runner-up.

Finally we have 32 year old Rachel Riley who appeared in the same 2013 series as Susanna but she was eliminated in week 6.”

“So, all you have to do is vote for who you would prefer to see dance and get messy. Polls close next Wednesday.”

Did you know that the disclaimers people put in their stories are not only unnecessary but haven’t been needed since I was an admin? Besides, the disclaimers recommend against doing stuff depicted in the stories, but if you get a chance to perform with a Nightwish vocalist, past or present? You totally should! Almost certainly not exactly in the manner depicted here, but still…

“I still can’t believe we’re actually getting to perform with Floor Jansen!” Michelle Massey grinned as she stepped off the tour bus. It was a hot July afternoon in the north of France and the sun beat down on her the moment she left the air-conditioned comfort (such as it was) and placed one foot on the dry grass.

“You still get star struck? Just how long have you been doing this now?” scoffed keys player and new girl Letitia Piers as she followed the rhythm guitarist out of the bus.

Becky Jerome was next out, with one of her usual giggles. “If you think she’s bad now, wait until she actually meets her!”

“Oh shut up, Becks!” Michelle turned a bright red, laughing nervously. There was some truth to what Becky and Letitia were saying. The band had met many famous faces over the years, and it was usually Michelle who felt the most in awe of them. To some extent, she felt unworthy of her place among them, even if her place in the world suggested otherwise.

“If you can’t handle that, how can you handle performing with her?” added Becky.

Michelle buried her head in her hands, trying to not think about it. Her heart raced at the thought that in a few hours, she would be performing on-stage with the (current at the time of writing) Nightwish singer. While the rest of The Kayotics liked the band to some extent or another, Michelle was easily their biggest fan and the one most into symphonic metal in general. She thought it was amazing enough that Floor had (through the wonders of the internet) contributed vocals to their latest single!

Moving her hands away from her face, Michelle took a deep breath. “It’s fine. I usually play with four better musicians than myself. What’s one more?”

“Don’t be so down on yourself, Shelly! If you were that bad, we would have kicked you out by now!” giggled Becky.

Some hours later, Michelle was mingling backstage as rock stars do. Becky’s words weren’t of much comfort. She reached into her handbag and brought out a sheet of paper with a list printed on it.

Entrance (Rally Cry)
1: Hail Destruction
Introduction
2: Wake Up in a Coma
3: Immersion
Guitar change
4: Kunoichi
5: It’s Never Over
6: Apocalypse
Guitar change, enter Floor
7: Slay the Vampire
8: Come Cover Me
Exit Floor
9: Queen of Steel

All in all, it was a fairly typical Kayotics set, were it not for the presence of one specific song and two little words: “enter Floor”. The songs were not particularly demanding of her guitar skills, and she was more than familiar with them. After all, she had writing credits on eight of them and the other was one she spent a great chunk of her life listening to. She’d got this! Well, so she tried to convince herself, anyway.

“Hi! I take it you’re one of the Kayotics?”

Michelle’s head shot upright as the voice of what sounded like (and indeed was) a rather tall and striking Dutch woman reached her ears. It was Floor Jansen, the very same person whom Michelle was both anticipating and dreading the prospect of performing with. The Dutch songstress had really dressed for the occasion too, with a well-fitting faux-leather jacket and corset, with some denim shorts. She almost seemed to tower over Michelle (whom herself was known as one of the taller women in metal), no doubt in part thanks to the impressive boots she had on. Michelle’s jaw quivered a little. “Y-yeah! I’m Michelle Massey, the rhythm guitarist.”

“I’m Floor Jansen. Nice to meet you!” Seeing the setlist in Michelle’s left hand, Floor offered the right.

Michelle’s right hand trembled its way into Floor’s. “Ye… yeah, I know. I’m a huge fan!” she said, her heart racing, beads of sweat forming on her brow. Part of the sweat she could blame on the heat, but it wasn’t like Floor was burning up in her fake leather. Michelle’s dress, while no less black, was at least a relatively breathable polyester. “Sorry, I just can’t believe you’re actually here!” she said, smiling as nervously as she was breathing.

“Well, I’m booked to perform with you tonight and with Nightwish tomorrow. Where else would I be?” she chuckled.

Michelle laughed nervously. “That’s true! So are you ready for it?”

Floor nodded. “I think so. It’s two songs, right? Slay the Vampire and a Nightwish song, right?”

“Yeah, Come Cover Me,” said Michelle, handing Floor the setlist. “We’ve kept it fairly true to how you play it. Same key, same tempo, same structure. We’ve changed it a little bit instrumentally but nothing drastic.” She reached into her handbag and brought out her phone, opened a music app and brought up a recording she and the rest of the Kayotics had made for one of their B-sides. While it was a bit tinny through the phone speakers, it was fairly clearly the same song with slightly more prominent guitars.

Floor listened intently, picking up on some of the small alterations. “Sounds good!” she smiled. “Who’s singing on it?”

“Yumiko on lead, Letitia on most of the backing vocals. I’m there in the chorus,” Michelle said, a tear starting to form in her eye. Her idol thought a version of one of her favourite songs that she played and sang backing on actually sounded good!

Before anyone could say anything more, a familiar voice came from behind Michelle. “Yo, try not to fangirl too much, Chelle!” Michelle turned around and saw Yumiko Yamazaki-Green standing behind her with bandmates Kassidy Harvey and Letitia Piers. “We were going to sneak out to watch some of the other bands. You two can join us if you want to, though you might want a disguise” said the bassist. The three of them were dressed rather plainly in sunglasses, Kayotics t-shirts, and shorts.

“You’re wearing your own band’s shirts as a disguise?” Floor asked, raising an eyebrow.

Letitia nodded. “Yeah, and it usually works. What band would wear their own t-shirt, after all?”

“Plus we look pretty damn good wearing them, so it’s also advertising,” added Kassidy.

“We are nothing if not resourceful!” Yumiko nodded.

Michelle shook her head. “I was helping Floor with prep for tonight’s show, actually.”

“Oh yeah?” Kassidy smirked. “How’s that going? Has Michelle actually been able to say anything?”

Floor chuckled a little, then embraced Michelle in her right arm. “She’s been pretty enlightening so far, actually! She’s great!”

Michelle’s heart pounded triple time as she found her face gently pressed into Floor’s pleather. “Ah… glad you think so…” she said, almost a whisper.

Yumiko, Kassidy and Letitia did their best to not giggle at their bandmate’s awkwardness. They found it rather hilarious that Michelle seemed less like a professional musician and more like a shy teenager, and Floor seemed to have picked up on it. “Well, I’m going to leave you both a bit of advice. Michelle, I know you have a massive lady-boner for Floor and Nightwish in general, but for tonight she’s an honourary Kayotic. Treat her as such, you know? And Floor, make sure you’ve got a towel. See you both later!”

“A towel?” Floor scoffed, but before Yumiko could answer, she had left with Kassidy and Letitia. The Dutch woman let go of Michelle. “Do you know what she meant, Michelle?”

“I have a few ideas, ranging from stuff you can’t know to stuff you don’t want to know. Now, as for Slay the Vampire…”

“For I am overlord of this apocalypse!!” Yumiko’s words roared through the crowd as the band tore through the ending of their sixth song. The lights went down, making it hard for anyone to see anything but the spotlight that shone down on the bassist-singer. The cover of darkness was rather welcome for Michelle, who stepped to the side of the stage. There stood Floor, who greeted her with a wink and a wave of her right hand. She was gripping a wireless microphone in the left. Michelle smiled nervously and waved. So far she had been on-point with her playing, and she had no intention of that changing just because of what was going to happen next. She took a rather pretty, rather rounded silver and white guitar from a stagehand and returned to the stage while Yumiko made an announcement. “So according to the bit of paper by my mic stand, we’ve got a song that we released recently that features someone on guest vocals. Here’s that someone – Floor Jansen!”

Floor ran onto the stage and walked to the centre under a white spotlight. She was carrying a microphone and stand with her and had left her jacket in her dressing room. Her striking physique was there for all to see in the corset top. “Bonjour, France! It’s an honour to play here for you with these wonderful women!”

“An honour that’s ours!” Yumiko added. “Hope you’re ready because right now it’s time to…”

“Slay the Vampire!” the two singers announced in unison.

The song was one of the darkest and heaviest songs The Kayotics had ever created, with some dark lyrics which were a metaphor for escaping a controlling and abusive relationship. Floor and Yumiko had a verse each, with them sharing the choruses and bridge. All of this was backed with some frantic guitar and drum work and eerie string chords. It fitted in nicely with the band’s pre-existing metal songs but also had a strong gothic tinge to it even without Floor. Michelle tried to not to let Floor’s presence put her off too much, even during Becky’s solo when the Dutch singer started dancing right in front of her. The way her body swayed to the music and her hair seemed to almost gracefully wave was hypnotic, and Michelle clearly enjoyed every moment of it. The song was over before too long, however, and Yumiko was about to address the crowd.

“Since we’ve got the wonderful Floor Jansen up here and she very kindly sang a Kayotics song, why don’t we do a Nightwish song?” Yumiko said to the crowd, somehow managing to pretend that it wasn’t the plan anyway. Of course, the crowd responded with a huge cheer. “Alright then! Tish, take it!”

With Letitia’s rendition of the glittery intro, the song burst into life. Everything was coming together wonderfully, with Floor stood at the front behind a microphone stand. The band had instructed her not to stray from that spot much, even though she rarely did when performing the song with Nightwish. After all, it suited the emotionally-driven symphonic metal song.

As the song began to reach its conclusion, Michelle stood at her pedal board and placed her booted left foot on one of the pedals. At a distance, it didn’t look too different from anything else on the board – fairly small, quite boxy, a couple of dials at the top which meant little to the uninformed but clearly had a lot of relevance to those in the know. However, a closer look showed that it wasn’t actually hooked up to the rest of the pedals on the board. “Well, we’re certainly about to cover you in something!” she whispered, hoping her mic wouldn’t pick up her tacky little quip.

“Come cover me, cooooooome~” Floor gracefully crooned as the song moved into its proper outro. Her eyes shut, she didn’t see exactly what Michelle’s extra pedal had activated. A large clear plastic tube descended from the front stage catwalk, with a few little holes in the bottom. Inside (though not for very long) was some kind of clear liquid, the same lurid lime green colour of Michelle’s pedal. The crowd gasped, then immediately cheered as the liquid cascaded out of the tube, down onto Floor!

Floor gasped. So, this is what Yumiko must have meant earlier about needing a towel! The liquid was thick, cold and quite opaque. It coursed through her long dark hair and over her facial features, trickling down slowly and leaving nothing exposed to the cool evening air. Her mouth hung open in shock as the green sludge ran down her head and onto her body. It coated her inked arms, running over her black polished fingernails and dripping onto the stage. The audience could only see the slime that went over her top, but she shuddered at the feeling of a good amount of it sliding inside. There was little the singer could do but grin and bear it. Floor could feel it running down her bare legs and seeping into her boots. She raised her right leg to try and stem the flow a bit, but it didn’t help. The sheer volume of it, which seemed like a lot more than was in the tank, meant that nothing was going to stop gravity from doing its job and leaving the boots covered – inside and out! The sheer weight of the boots, with their claggy coating and filthy filling, was just too much and Floor put her foot back down. Even lead guitarist and gunge fanatic Becky was impressed. She found herself blushing and grinning wildly as the sludge kept on pouring over Floor until she had been utterly trashed by the downpour.

With the sliming finally over, Floor flicked some of the gunge from her fingertips and wiped her eyes, looking down at herself. “You awful people!” she laughed, loosening her boots a little and stepping out of them, placing her bare feet into the big puddle on the stage with a rather loud squelch. She tipped them over to empty the gunk out, but found that the sludge didn’t pour any faster out of the boots than they did from the hopper.

“Green is definitely your colour, Floor! Thanks for playing with us!” Yumiko smirked. While it wasn’t the first time The Kayotics had given someone a surprise gunging on stage, Floor was by far the biggest name they had gunged and it looked like they had just about gotten away with it. “Give it up for Floor Jansen, everyone. Great singer, great sport and as it turns out, great gunge target!”

Despite her very unexpected shower of slime, Floor enjoyed the opportunity to perform with The Kayotics and found the addition of an extra guitarist in particular to be a great addition. An idea began to form, but she wasn’t sure quite what the rest of Nightwish would make of it. After all, Tuomas was a pretty serious individual.

She watched The Kayotics’ last song from the side of the stage, draped in a large green towel. It hadn’t really done much to get the gunge off, but it did mean she had an extra layer to wear until she hit the showers. As they finished, the three guitar players threw their picks into the crowd, followed by Kassidy throwing her sticks. Michelle passed her guitar to a stagehand. Floor stepped forwards and up to the rhythm guitarist. “That was fun!”

“Oh! Uh, glad you enjoyed it!” Michelle smiled, blushing as much as she had when they first spoke. It was something of a relief to her that Floor wasn’t mad.

“So I was thinking I might talk to the rest of Nightwish about bringing you on stage tomorrow to play a couple of songs. A bit of a returning the favour thing…” Floor smirked.

Michelle greyed out for a second, almost falling to the ground in shock at the idea. Floor reaching out with her left arm to catch her didn’t help. “S-sorry! I’m fine! I just thought you said something about playing some songs…”

“I did.”

Still dizzy from the initial shock at the idea of performing with her heroes, Michelle squealed a reply “Oh my God yeeesssss!!!” she beamed as she threw her arms around Floor, not caring a bit about how slimy her idol was.

Floor chuckled and reciprocated the slimy embrace, holding Michelle tight and wiping her arms all over the brunette guitarist to get some of the gunk off. “I’ll see you tomorrow then!” she said, pecking Michelle on the cheek and letting go, walking off

Michelle was still trying to quite process what had just happened when felt someone tap her on the shoulder. There was Becky, her face almost as red as Michelle’s had been, though she seemed a little bit annoyed – certainly extremely envious! “You lucky bitch!”

To be continued…

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

Sorry if it’s late and a little rushed I totally forgot to post the preview show up, but here it is.

Welcome to this weeks episode of CSWL with me your host Rachel Wyse .

Rachel is wearing a white dress, tan high-heeled shoes, and her blonde-ginger hair worn down and is straight.

This weekends featured game is a clash of 2 of the top 6 and it sees Jose return to his old stomping ground, and it is Chlsea vs Manchester United, and shall we meet the 2 ladies representing their clubs this weekend shall we.

First up is Chelsea’s representative shall we and it is Eastenders actress Charlie Brooks.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Ben Wyeth / Rex Features (1755324l)
Charlie Brooks
Mark Jermin Stage School 20th Year Anniversary at the Grand Theatre, Swansea, Wales, Britain – 23 Jun 2012

Charlie is wearing a black dress, with black and gold high-heeled shoes and her short blonde hair being worn down and is curly.

Welcome Charlie I understand this is your first time on CSWL how do you rate your teams changes this weekend.

Thank you Rachel and I think we have a very goo chance of winning here, as we are the home team and we are currently joint top of the league with Man City and Liverpool and are unbeaten with those 2 as well so I think we have a very strong chance.

Thank you for that Charlie, now let’s meet our Mancester United fan shall we.

And that is former Hear’say singer and current Coronation Street actress Kym Marsh.

Kym is wearing a silver sparkly mini dress, black boots that come up to her ankles and her long black hair being worn down is straight and has a hairband in place as well.

Welcome Kym you have been on before but a few year ago what do you think of United chances this weekend.

Well Rachel we have had a slow start to the season, but we need to kick on soon and I hope it can be this game to avoid me the forfeits.

Well thank you Kym now lets reveal the forfeits shall we.

First up we have of course we have the forfeit will for cards, fouls possession, off sides.

Then for 1 goal conceded we have the gunge tank where you will be gunged in the opponents colours.

For 2 goals we have the pillories.

For 3 goals it is the bath and all forfeits will have to be done in your underwear.

Both ladies are shocked by this.

and for 4 goal+ it is a trip to the dunk tank and all forfeits will be undertaken naked.

The ladies are even more shocked and worried about this as they don’t want to be revealing their birthday suit to the world.

And I have just been told that due to me missing out on last weeks mess on CSWL I will be taking some mess in some form this week a dejected Rachel announces.

So join me Rachel Wyse and my 2 guests in the results show

Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.

Tess Daly strides out wearing a black top, black leather trousers and black high heel shoes.

“Welcome to our second Dance for Charity preview show. I am your host Tess Daly, and we will be joined today by 2 of the celebrity contestants. Please welcome Gemma Atkinson and Rachel Riley.”

Gemma walks on wearing a white t-shirt, short black leather miniskirt, black stockinged legs and black high heel shoes.

Rachel follows, wearing a tight white top, denim cut-off shorts, and white pumps.

“Hello ladies and thank you for joining me on this preview show. How are you both feeling knowing that it could be you doing the messy dance?”

Gemma was first to answer “To be honest, I would rather do a dance without getting messy things thrown over me, but it is for charity and if the viewers vote for me, than I’m happy to give it a go.”

Rachel twirled her hair with her finger as she spoke “I’m not overly thrilled at the prospect of getting messy, but as Gemma says it’s for charity, and it would be an interesting challenge to try and dance with messy slop all around.”

Tess smiled “Thank you again ladies for agreeing to take part. There is in fact a special reason why we have asked you both to appear on this preview show. We have had lots of votes so far, and at the moment you both are in the top 2 of the voting. What do you think about that?”

Gemma looked a little startled “I guess I am flattered that so many people are voting for me”

Rachel was equally startled “Looks like I had better get practising my dance moves if there is a high chance of me getting the most votes.”

Tess turned to the camera “Due to public demand, we are also going to have a surprise messing for one of our professional dancers. However we are going to put this out to a vote. The candidates are Ola Jordan, Aliola Vilani and Oti Mabuse. All voting closes on Wednesday.”

A dramatic theme tune played as the camera focused on Adeline Becker standing at the front of the stage, and smiling at the audience.

“Welcome back to the Messy Gunge Grand Prix, in the aftermath of the first round. Our pool of celebrities has been cut by half, with sixty-four lovely ladies leaving the contest – including a few surprises. What was the most upsetting thing for you, Megan?”

“Other than being barefoot on national telly, you mean?”

The pretty Indian girl was still wearing what she’d been reduced to after her punishment at the end of the last show – though she’d clearly washed her clothes in the interim, it hadn’t been entirely successful, with her white shirt still being a little orange from the bucket of spaghetti hoops in tomato sauce that had been poured over her. Although her tone was casual, the subconscious clenching of her toes gave the lie to it.

“For me, it’s got to be losing Jodie Whitaker – the new Doctor Who, going out in the first round? The most surprising for me is probably Keeley Hawes – she’s pretty popular at the moment after the smash success of The Bodyguard, so I certainly wasn’t expecting her to go out in the first round! Congratulations to Lili Reinhart for narrowly beating her, though – making Lili the only member of the Riverdale cast to survive to the second round.”

“We’ll come to that later, once we talk to our celebrity guests. What about you, Waverly?”

She turned to look the curvy blue-haired girl, who at the moment was sitting comfortably on the sofa.

“If I had to pick one, I’d say Kate Upton, who just got pipped by Victoria Justice. I definitely would have liked to see her get messy! But we lost quite a lot of pretty girls in this round… I guess that that’s just how it works in the Gunge Grand Prix. But the one I’m feeling most sorry for is Miranda Kerr, who didn’t just lose, but got totally stomped by Anna Kendrick.”

“It’s true that we lost a lot of good celebrities early this year… though the lack of a Slimebargo this year at least means that not all of them will completely unscathed! Maybe we’ll even invite some onto this show!

“But there are two people in particular who were awaiting the results of the first round – our two celebrity special guests, Knight Squad’s Lexi DiBenedetto and Riverdale’s Ashleigh Murray!”

Lexi walked onto the stage wearing a pink dress and silver shoes, and looking distinctly nervous. She held her hands in front of her, as if protectively, and her attempt at a smile was noticeably unconvincing.

Ashleigh, on the other hand, had a confident smile on her face.

Walking on stage together, the contrast between the two of them could not have been more stark. They sat next to each other on the sofa.

“Welcome back to the show, ladies!” Adeline greeted them cheerfully. “Now, those of you at home may remember that on the preshow our guests attempted to hype up their cast-mates prior to the first round. The results are in… and they’re not good.”

She turned to Ashleigh. “I don’t know what you’re smiling about, Ashleigh – of the three Riverdale girls in the contest, only one of them survived the first round, Lili Reinhart barely eking out a win against Keeley Hawes. Camila Mendes lost to Bryce Dallas Howard, and Lindsey Stirling saw off Madeleine Petsch. It’s a pretty disappointing showing by any measure, and only really looks good by comparison.”

With a sudden, vicious smile she directed her attention at Lexi, who hid her face in her hands.  “Unfortunately for you, Lexi, all of your cast-mates were defeated in this round. Lilimar Hernandez put up a pretty close fight, losing to Felicia Day in what was the tightest fight of the entire round! But Daniella Perkins lost pretty decisively, getting barely half of the votes that Liv Tyler got… and poor Savannah May, the baby of the GGP, did even worse that that against Marisha Ray!”

Lexi tried to protest. “It wasn’t just Savannah – my friends were the three youngest celebrities in the entire tournament! Their careers are just starting, and few are familiar with their work yet – nobody could’ve expected them to win!”

Adeline shook her head. “There’s a fairly significant difference between ‘not winning’ and ‘losing in the first round’. England didn’t win the World Cup this year, but their fans are pretty proud of what they did. I don’t really think even you can be particular proud of how your show and your cast-mates have fared… and it certainly doesn’t speak well for your hype skills, does it!”

She turned to the audience. “The reason that Lexi looks particularly worried about this, of course, is because of what I’ve revealed at the end of the preshow. Our two guests may have thought that they were just invited here to hype up their friends, but I promised them that whichever of them did worst in the first round could expect a messy forfeit – and I think it’s fairly clear that that is her!”

“But 3-2 is pretty close!” Lexi objected. “You said that how messy the loser gets would depend on how much they lost by!”

Adeline smiled coolly. “While that is true, it’s also the case that your cast-mates definitely did significantly worse than the cast of Riverdale, even if there wasn’t that much of a difference in the ultimate result. And all three of your castmates losing certainly deserves a special reward! Waverly?”

Waverly grinned. “Due to Knight Squad‘s setting, we decided to get appropriately medieval with your punishment. I think most would agree that for a result as disappointing as this, you deserve to be pilloried… so we decided to do so literally!”

It took two stagehands, moving carefully, to carry the heavy wooden pillory onto the stage. Lexi gasped as she looked at it.

“I have to stand in that? But… if I’m bent over like that… my dress…”

Ashleigh chuckled, and Adeline smiled. “If you prefer, you can take your dress off. Honestly, part of me thinks that you should have to, given how poorly your show did.”

Lexi blushed, but before she could say anything, Adeline continued. “However, the contract you signed for your appearance doesn’t give me the right to demand that. I am going to insist, however, that you at least remove your shoes.”

Lexi bit her lip, but swiftly complied, just glad to not have to take her dress off. Even without her heels, she was clearly quite tall for a woman, being about the same height on her bare feet as Adeline stood in her heels, while fairly towering over Megan, Ashleigh and particularly Waverly.

Adeline grinned. “Very well then. Lexi DiBenedetto… it’s time for your punishment!”

A klaxon blared, and the lights flashed red. Lexi looked surprised as two stagehands took hold of her arms and escorted her over to the pillory, carefully fastening her in. As Lexi had thought, this left her in a pretty exposed position due to her low-cut dress – the fabric hung away from her impressive breasts, letting the audience and the camera see right down her cleavage. Waverly wolf-whistled.

“Of course,” Adeline said, “the pillory experience isn’t complete without bystanders to throw things, and this is the Messy Gunge Grand Prix, so… Ashleigh, Megan? Come join us!”

A table filled with various boxes and buckets was carried on between two stagehands. Lexi, stuck in the pillory, tried to peer over and see what was in them, but was neatly prevented from doing so. Waverly giggled as she looked at the projectiles on offer, and Ashleigh shook her head and chuckled.

Unable to restrain herself any longer, Waverly grabbed an overripe tomato from a bucket and threw it straight at Lexi. Lexi squealed, her eyes wide, but fortunately for her Waverly’s speedy throw had been more enthusiastic than well-aimed, and the projectile went awry, slamming into the pillory itself. A far bit of juice splattered over Lexi’s blonde hair, but it was certainly better than it slamming straight into her face.

She was not so fortunate in regards to Adeline’s shot.

Adeline, of course, did not just have good aim, but also exquisite timing; Lexi, distracted as her eyes had tracked that first wild shot, had just enough time to feel a moment of relief at Waverly’s narrow miss before her eyes focused forward and she saw the tomato right there. It slammed into her before she even had time to react, exploding on her cheek; juice splattering across her face and pulp caroming into the air. Lexi screamed in mingled surprise and disgust.

And it didn’t let up – Adeline had a second throw already ready to go, and Ashleigh joined in as well, pelting tomatoes at Lexi’s head in what between them seemed to Lexi like a constant stream. Waverly made another attempt to hit her face, and although the shot was equally poorly aimed, this time the throw was too low, smacking into her breasts and firing juice down across her stomach.

Megan, meanwhile, was trying something else. Really, she kind of felt bad for Lexi, but she certainly didn’t want Adeline to punish her later for not participating or even just for throwing badly, and she didn’t feel confident that she could throw even as well as Waverly. So, bare feet stepping carefully over the tomatoes that had smashed onto the floor, Megan circled towards Lexi – making sure to keep herself out of the line of fire – bucket in hand.

When the constant flow of tomatoes stopped, Lexi felt relieved, actually assuming that it might be over. Having her hands trapped in the pillory as well was quite frustrating, since it meant that she couldn’t even wipe her face. She tried to shake her head to dislodge some of it, but that only served to further disturb her juice-bedaubed hair. Then she noticed Megan approaching her, looking almost apologetic. Lexi blinked.

Megan didn’t seem particularly scary, a slight, pretty Indian girl, bespectacled and barefoot, but she was carrying a large bucket – containing what, Lexi couldn’t tell – from which protruded a large spoon handle. Megan bit her lip, then – grasping the spoon with a free hand – scooped a generous spoonful of cold spag bol over Lexi’s head.

Lexi squealed, jumping in place; the sauce soaked into her hair as the spaghetti fell across her face. Megan added another spoonful, then somewhat regretfully, tossed the next spoonful into her cleavage. The weight of it pulled Lexi’s dress down more, further exposing her.

Megan had been the first to try something other than the classic tomatoes, but the others were close behind. Adeline joined Megan at Lexi’s head, carrying a bucket that, Lexi couldn’t help but notice, smelled especially potent; Waverly and Ashleigh circled around behind her with their payloads.

Ashleigh, at least, was straightforward about it, pouring her bucket of pink custard directly over Lexi’s back and dress as she squealed and writhed. Waverly, to Lexi’s shock, flipped up the back of her dress to get better access to her bare legs, before flinging cheese sauce at Lexi’s thighs. She reserved the last of the cold, congealed slop to scoop over Lexi’s feet.

Lexi, of course, couldn’t see any of this thanks to the pillory, but could only feel the various cold slimes being poured and flung over her. Adeline was careful not to leave her in a similar state of ignorance with the bucket she had prepared, thoughtfully lowering it before Lexi’s tomato and sauce smeared face so that she could see what was contained within: a particularly obnoxious helping of leftover canteen curry in a notably unnatural shade of yellow, and with a stink to match.

After giving Lexi sufficient time to experience the look and odour – to which she rudely responded by frantically shaking her head in a near panic – Adeline hefted the bucket upwards and with no further ado poured it straight over Lexi’s head.

The curry splattered everywhere, streaming off her hair and down her neck. Chunks of whatever mystery meat it contained rolled down her face, leaving her looking thoroughly destroyed.

At last, Adeline stepped back to consider her handiwork; Lexi, covered all over in all manner of obnoxious substances, looked at her miserably.

That was a mistake.

With no warning, and no hesitation, Adeline flung the remnants of the curry left in the bucket right at her face – there was enough of it that a fair bit struck her cleavage, as well, surely permanently staining her lovely dress – and at this range and with her hands trapped this left her eyes stuck closed with no way of her clearing them.

She was left confused and terrified as the stage shifted, conveying her off-stage still trapped in the pillory, covered head to toe in stinking slops as she protested her bewilderment.

Adeline laughed, and turned to face the audience. “Well, that’s almost all we’ve got time for, so commiserations to the cast of Knight Squad. Please join us soon for the results of the competition, where we see how the shocking eliminations of the first round will affect our lovely contestants. 

“To sing us out, we have   Riverdale’s Ashleigh Murray!”

Ashleigh blinked, looking surprised; she wasn’t exactly dressed for a performance, expecting merely an appearance on the show – this wasn’t really a dress comfortable for singing in!

Still she stepped forward, smiling hesitantly, onto the still-somewhat messy expanse of stage that Lexi had so recently unwillingly vacated, taking the microphone that Waverly handed to her.

“Uh… why this song?” she asked in confusion, as the words appeared on the TelePrompTer.

“Oh,” grinned Adeline. “I’m sure that you’ll figure it out.”

As she sang, she couldn’t help but notice Adeline, Megan and Waverly collecting buckets from the stagehands, and moving to stand around her, but continued on, ever the professional.

She made it to the second chorus when they struck, flinging the buckets of – of course – thick, cold milkshake in several different flavours, all over her from every angle, leaving her utterly covered all over.

The characters in the story are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.

The scene opens with an overhead camera zoomed in on the macabre grinning head of the fish skeleton, which has been drawn in white foam on the lumpy surface of the ocean-blue sludge. The camera zooms out, rotating as it goes, so that the fish spins on the viewers’ screens. When the spinning stops, the camera has zoomed out far enough to take in a plan view of the giant catapult at one end of the pool, the winner’s throne at its side, and four people standing at its other end. One of those people, dressed in a blue two-piece, is sticking a long pole into the mire.

Clara: You know what, Nat? It’s definitely got stodgier since the start of the show!

Natalie: [pulling a disgusted face] Can you stop stirring it up, Clara? You’re making the smell worse!

Clara: You think it smells bad now? Thank how it’ll be when one of these two smashes through the crust!

Clara pulls out the pole, feigning great effort as if the sludge is trying to suck the pole from her. The end of the pole is coated in blue, with numerous large, mishapen lumps clinging to it.

Natalie: Now that is rank! Welcome back, everybody, to Grudge-2-Sludge, where Sheffield supermarket worker Simon Askew is going head to head with his duty manager Sarah Boswell!

Clara: Simon thinks that Sarah is too strict and overbearing; Sarah thinks Simon is slapdash and takes liberties. It’s a grudge that needs to be settled, and by the end of tonight’s show, one of them will get the chance to sling their workplace nemesis into this – [proudly gestures] our tank of sludge – for the viewing pleasure not only of our studio audience, but of all their colleagues and no doubt a few of their customers too!

Natalie: Oh yes! The stakes are sky-high, and so far Sarah is bossing it over Simon, with 27 points against his 22! But everything could change as the final round is still to come, as well as the votes from our studio audience!

Clara: At the beginning of the show we asked our audience members to give their backing to either Simon or Sarah by means of electronic vote. Our contestants have been itching to find out how people voted; let’s put them out of – or perhaps into – their misery!

The ambient lighting drops and each individual audience seat lights up, either red or blue, to show the preference of its occupant. The red seats outnumber the blue seats by about three to one. Simon jumps in the air and pumps his fist, while Sarah puffs through her cheeks.

Natalie: Phoww! It’s ‘up the workers’ all the way with this lot!

Clara: Indeed it is! I can reveal that the exact split was 77% in favour of Simon, while 23% backed Sarah. That means, after dividing by five and rounding, that Simon can add 15 points to his tally, while Sarah picks up just 5!

Natalie: And that means that the lead has switched again; Sarah is now lagging on 32 points, while Simon has the lead with 37!

Simon cheers louder, while Sarah puts one hand on her hip and rolls her eyes.

Clara: Oh dear! It seems our studio audience is as unpopular with Sarah as she is with them! Well Sarah, not only is Simon ahead of you but, as vote winner, he also has the tiebreaker advantage, so if the game ends on equal scores, it’s you who’ll be on the end of that catapult!

Natalie: But don’t despair, because you have the third round in which to turn the tables, and you won’t be facing it alone. Because it’s time for that feature of the show called Find A Friend!

Clara: We are going to select, entirely at random, one audience member who voted for Simon and one who voted for Sarah, and those people will be called upon to help their respective players in the final round!

The audience responds with a collective murmur of apprehensive excitement.

Natalie: Computer, make your choice!

Futuristic music plays, as the individual seat lights begin to switch off – first in blocks, then one by one as the occupants look about themselves nervously.

The music ends with a loud chime, and at this point only one light of each colour remains on. In the red-lit seat, a girl with straight jet-black hair raises her arms and whoops. In the seat illuminated in blue, a girl with wavy light-brown hair reacts to her selection a little less keenly, putting a hand to her face as she smiles wryly.

Natalie: Okay, there’s the selection. Out of your seats and down to the stage, both of you!

The two young women jostle their way out of the rows in which they were sitting, jog down the aisle, and are guided by stage-hands up a set of steps onto the stage. The girl with black hair (which is also dyed bright red at the end) is punkish in her style, short with a large bust and wide hips. The wavy-haired girl is taller, slimmer, and more studious and serious in her style.

Natalie: [to the black-haired girl] Welcome, welcome! Can you tell me your name, please?

Black-haired girl: Kel!

Natalie: Nice to meet you, Kel! Why did you vote in support of Simon?

Kel: Because who likes a grouchy boss? Especially one that bans staff parties!?

Natalie: Not many, it would seem! Kel, this is your chance to stick it to the boss, so get to know Simon.

Clara: [to the wavy-haired girl] And what’s your name?

Wavy-haired girl: Irene.

Clara: Welcome to the show, Irene. You were one of the minority who got behind Sarah; why, exactly?

Irene: Because managers are workers too. They work very hard and have to carry the can when something goes wrong, so I think Sarah should be cut some slack.

Clara: Well, Irene, if ever Sarah needed some slack cut, it’s right now, so do your best for her!

Natalie: Yes, the two of you are going to team up with your respective contestants in their final bid to win the grudge and stay out of that fishy sludge! We’re confident you’ll try your hardest, but for some extra incentive, whichever of you assists your contestant to the bigger score in Round Three – even if they don’t win the match overall – will get a £250 cash prize!

The audience woos.

Clara: But of course we also have a penalty lined up for whichever of you does worse!

The two girls pull nervous faces.

Natalie: So off the four of you go to get changed – as we head to the third and final round!

ROUND 3: Supermarket Swipe

Some swishy titles play, after which we find ourselves in a set laid out like a grocery store. The camera glides parallel to a tall shelf stack, which is loaded with various tins, packets and boxes (though everything is actually soft plastic and the shelves themselves are heavily padded), and then swings around to reveal a large open floorspace, onto which Natalie and Clara stroll.

Natalie: Hello there, and welcome to the third and final round in tonight’s contest. It’s called Supermarket Swipe!

Clara: We couldn’t pass up the opportunity to subject Simon and Sarah to a grocery-themed game! But while their store in Sheffield is quite upmarket, here at Grudgemart we cut everything to the bone. Loaves of bread puffed up with air, watered-down orange juice, dubious employment practices – we’re relentless in our quest to shave a few more pence off your weekly shop!

Natalie: But for some people, our bargains are still not good enough, and the only price they’ll settle for is free. Take a look at this shifty pair, for instance.

The camera pans around further, to reveal Simon and Sarah standing at the opposite end of the set, spaced a few metres apart. They are dressed in black and white striped jerseys and black trousers.

Clara: Mmm, not the most inconspicuous shoplifters, are they? Simon and Sarah are out on the rob, and although we don’t condone such activities in real life, it is their task in this game to pilfer as much stock as possible!

Natalie: Yes, and the stock is all here for the taking! [Goes over to the stack of shelves] On the bottom shelf here we have Grudgemart own-brand beans. They’re worth one point a tin. On the middle shelf we have Mutt Mix dog food; that’s 3 points a packet. And, if you reach right up to the top shelf, we have family-size boxes of Sludge Slayer washing powder for 5 points each, but beware these boxes are rather fragile, and you won’t get nothing for them if they burst open. You can carry as much as you can carry in one go, but anything you drop is fair game for your opponent to pick up!

Clara: [standing at the opposite end of the set, where the players are] To score the points, our contestants need to put their stolen items into their swag stash! [Gestures a pair of sacks, affixed to the floor, one in each of the player colours]. Now, if all this sounds a bit too straightforward, bear in mind that our contestants’ jerseys appear to have snagged on something…

Clara indicates a bungee cord attached to a harness on each of the players.

Natalie: Yes, and that’s not the only complication. If you go around nicking stuff, don’t be surprised when the long arm of the law catches up with you. [Looks up] And wielding those long arms, are our officers Kel and Irene!

On either side above the set, Kel and Irene are stationed on balconies. They are dressed in police uniforms, and each of them is literally equipped with a long arm, fitted over one of their real arms, which has a mechanical grabber at the end. Near to each balcony a perspex crate is mounted on the wall, filled with what appear to be balloons in the respective team colour.

Clara: Kel and Irene, to help your contestant to victory, you must use your long arm of the law to drop slime balloons on their rival! For each direct hit you make on them, we will deduct 2 points from their score. Our marshals will be keeping a count, using the video replay if necessary, so don’t bother to quibble with us!

Natalie: Oh, and not wishing to alarm you, but I heard that the sprinkler system is on the blink and could go off at any moment!

Clara: You’ve got two minutes on the clock – starting NOW!

Natalie and Clara scarper. As warned by Natalie, water begins sprinkling from the ceiling, soaking all four players and making the floor slippery. Simon and Sarah both lose their footing on their first run, planting on their fronts, and being pulled back by the bungee cords.

On his second attempt, Simon reaches the shelf stack, and lunges high for one of the boxes of washing powder, lured by the high points value. He manages to pull it off the shelf, but it tumbles from his grip and bops him on the head. The fragile container bursts open, showering Simon with white powder, which sticks to his wet head and clothing. Natalie and Clara laugh at his misfortune from the sidelines.

Sarah, a little behind Simon, decides not to repeat his mistake, and instead goes for one of the packets of dog food on the easy-access middle shelf. However, it proves heavy and bulky, and slips from her grip, rolling away across the floor. Simon, remembering what Natalie said, scoops up the packet and smugly dumps it in his own sack, while Sarah fumes at him.

Meanwhile, the ‘police officers’ Kel and Irene are getting to grips with their long arms, which are not only tricky to manoeuvre, but also require a delicate touch. Gripping the balloons too hard with their pincers causes them to burst, but too soft a grip causes them to fall prematurely. It takes both girls a few attempts to master the action of picking up a balloon from their crates, swinging it across and dropping it, but after that they still face the challenge of timing their drop to hit their rival. Kel is the first to succeed, dropping a balloon straight onto the head of Sarah, you squawks as red slime splatters over her hair. Irene isn’t far behind, scoring a hit of blue on Simon’s shoulder.

Simon perseveres with the big boxes of ‘washing powder’, hoping that their high points value will be his route to victory. Sarah, meanwhile, puts her faith in accumulating large numbers of bean tins. She develops a trick of scooping them into the folds of her jersey before being dragged away by the bungee. However, as the time ticks down, she decides she can’t afford to pass over the washing powder boxes. She suffers a similar malfunction to Simon, dousing herself in the clinging white powder, but also manages to squirrel away a couple of the large boxes successfully.

Natalie: Ten seconds left y’all! Nine! Eight!

The two players make their last-ditch charge towards the shelves.

Natalie, Clara and audience: SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!!…

Sarah scoops up another load of baked bean tins, but in her panicked hurry, most of them got clattering across the floor.

Natalie, Clara and audience: FOUR!! THREE!!!…

Simon yanks another box of washing powder from the upper shelf. A balloon dropped by Irene lands on his head, splattering him with blue goo, and causing him yo stagger backwards.

Natalie, Clara and audience: TWO!!! ONE!!!

A klaxon blasts.

Natalie: [strutting on in a method that tries to be quick without slipping over in her high heels] STOP!! EVERYONE STOP! Drop everything!

Sarah duly puts down the two tins of beans she is holding, while Simon drops his box of washing powder, which smashes open in a heap on the floor. A red slime balloon drops from above, splattering on the floor inches away from Natalie and splashing her foot.

Natalie: Oii!!

Natalie looks up to see one of the long arms hovering above her, a giggling Kel operating her.

Kel: [sweetly] You did say drop everything!

Natalie: You nearly got yourself in a lot of trouble, young lady! Come down from there, both of you!

Kel and Irene comply, disentangling themselves from the giant arms and descending steps at the side of the set. Meanwhile, Sarah and Simon try to brush off some of the powder and slime, and wring out their sopping jerseys, while Clara carefully steps onto the set to join Natalie.

Clara: Well, it looks like plenty of swiping has gone on here! But just how much swag did our contestants bag? Natalie, why don’t you have a rummage around Simon’s sack?

Natalie: [pulls a face] If I really must.

Natalie detaches the red swag bag from the floor, tips it up and empties the goods onto the floor, cursing as a bit more mess splashes on her feet. She begins to count up the items.

Natalie: Let’s see now… you’ve got 5 tins of bins – good for your heart, so I’ve heard… 4 packets of dogfood… and 3 undamaged boxes of Sludge Slayer washing powder; I’m not accepting this [points disdainfully to a crumpled mass of cardboard and powder]. So all in all, that gives you 32 points!

Simon whoops.

Clara: But, Simon, your blue tinge shows that Irene had some success with her balloons, and the marshals have confirmed to me that she achieved 3 direct hits. That means we deduct 6 points from your score, leaving 26!

Natalie: So, upon adding that to your existing score of 37 points, your final score tonight is an impressive 63 points!

Simon raises both hands in the air, but he’s not cheering yet.

Clara: [pulling an on-edge face to Sarah] Sarah, you’ve got 32 points to your name so far. Simon has the tiebreaker advantage, which means you need to gain another 32 points in this round to put him in the sludge, otherwise he’ll be putting you in there! How confident are you?

Sarah: [straight-faced] I’ll tell you once you’ve counted.

Natalie: Best get on and do it, Clara.

Clara empties the blue sack, letting the items clatter to the floor. A couple of bean tins roll away from her, and she squeamishly stops them with her foot and kicks them back.

Clara: Wow Sarah, you really are full of beans – 15 tins of the things! And we have 3 packets of dog food, and 2 boxes of Sludge Slayer. All in all, that makes… 34 points – you could still be in the game!

Sarah smiles wistfully. She knows very well she can only be in the game if she suffered no balloon hits, and her red-splotched hair and jersey make clear that this isn’t the case.

Natalie: But… Kel managed 4 direct hits on your person, Sarah. That means that you go down 8 points, so your score for the round is… 26 – same as Simon’s!

Clara: [with a commiserating shrug at Sarah] Which means that your final score tonight is 58, so Simon is our winner!

Raising both fists, Simon leans back and cheers. Sarah looks at the floor and slowly shakes her head.

Clara: It’s all settled what fates await Simon and Sarah, but what about our audience helpers, Kel and Irene, and the small matter of that £250 prize?

Kel: [cheekily] Well, I got one more balloon hit than Irene, so I should get the prize!

Natalie: [with a reproving glare towards Kel] Uh-uh! This is a team effort, and your teams both got 26 points, so we’re going to split the prize between you. [Holds up two golden envelopes] Here you are – £125 for each of you!

The audience applauds. Kel and Irene make towards Natalie to claim the envelopes, but Clara puts her hands on their shoulders, holding them back.

Clara: Ladies, I’d advise against collecting your cash just yet, unless you plan on pegging it out to dry. You’ll remember we promised a punishment to whichever of you did worse in this round. Since you’re sharing the prize, it’s only fair you share the punishment as well! Come with me!

The audience cheers and the girls in police uniform cringe as Clara leads them to a different section of the set, where a trolley is mounted to a rail in the floor.

Natalie: Yes, it’s time for you two to get trolleyed! In you get!

The trolley would be a tight fit for just one of the girls, so it’s a struggle to get both of them in. Kel ends up wedged in on her knees, with her large bust hooked over the front of the trolley, while Irene is squeezed in behind Kel in virtually a standing position.

Clara: Hope this doesn’t breach health and safety! Okay, happy shopping, you two!

The trolley begins its journey, trundling round a corner into a narrow aisle, where a huge batch of baked beans drops from the ceiling without warning. Both girls scream as the orange beans and sauce cover their hair and soak their uniforms.

Natalie: Ah, they’re excellent value, those beans!

The trolley turns another corner, and this time the pair are engulfed in an avalanche of the Sludge Slayer ‘washing powder’. The white powder sticks to the bean juice, crusting in the girls’ hair, and making them look like a pair of snow-women as they trundle their way towards the checkout.

Clara: That’s it! You’re almost at the checkout! Can you make it in time to win the final prize? Yes!!

The trolley comes to a halt at the checkout, a siren blares, and jetlets of green, blue and pink gunge rain down on the occupants. Irene, being stuck at the back, cops a faceful, while Kel gapes as the gunge splashes down onto her head and back.

Natalie: Oh, excellent stuff! A photo finish if there ever was one! We’ll give you towel and toiletry packs along with the £125 quid. Thanks for being great sports. Everyone, a big hand please for Kel and Irene!

The two girls laugh as the audience cheers them. Irene playfully rubs the gunge into Kels hair, so Kel retaliates by slinging some beans back at Irene.

Natalie: [facing the camera] So, the next time you’re at the deli counter, queueing for some tripe…

Clara: …Think of the mess you could be making on Supermarket Swipe!

Natalie: RIP Dale.

Natalie and Clara return to Simon and Sarah, the former of whom is in a jubilant mood, while the latter continues to look at the floor while wringing her hands nervously together.

Clara: Now, onto the main event! We’re going to let the pair of you go backstage and get cleaned up and changed into the clothes you arrived in, because we want you nice and smart for the next part of the show!

Natalie: Simon, do you know what part of the show is coming up next?

Simon: [rubbing his hands together] Hell yes, I do!

Clara: And Sarah, are you aware which part of the show is coming up next?

Sarah: [looking up with a resentful expression on her face] Yes…

Natalie: [to the camera] Simon knows, Sarah knows, and if you don’t know you need to get with the show! It is, of course…

Natalie and Clara together: THE SLUDGE SLING!!

After a graphical animation showing letters sinking into a toxic swampland, the scene opens once again with the leering head of the cartoon fishbone, this time shown from a low, oblique angle.

The camera proceeds in a slow, queasy journey along the fishbone, towards its tail. The white foam from which the figure is drawn has started to sink and mingle into the surrounding blue gunge, which has a very rough and lumpy consistency, but also a wet and glistening sheen. In parts the sludge discolours into grey, but has the same texture.

Reaching the end of the pool, the camera rises, sweeping over the pivot of the giant catapult and up its sturdy beam. A feminine pair of bare feet lay on the foot rest, sticking out of a pair of smart grey trousers. Sarah’s dark-green apron is tied around her waist, folding awkwardly in her lap in her presented seated position. Her green-and-white-striped shirt is tucked into her trousers, cuffed at the wrists, and secured at the neck with her blue tie – perhaps her unwavering commitment to smartness, perhaps an improbable attempt to stop the gunge from entering. Sarah’s dirty-blonde hair remains in its stubby ponytail, and her mouth is closed and downturned in an unamused glower.

Clara: [speaking from out of shot] Well look who it is, folks – Sarah the meanie manager, preparing to clock on for a shift in our sludge! Not so high and mighty now, is she? Ha ha!

While Sarah doubles down with her frown, the camera zooms out, revealing Clara standing beside the catapult, from where she taunts its occupant. Simon, meanwhile, is chilling on the throne, comfy as can be on the plush cushions, while Natalie stands at his side. The studio lighting is dimmed, with spotlights trained on Sarah and Simon, and intense overhead lighting bearing down on the sludge itself.

Natalie: Simon, congratulations on your win! This was a spirited competition between you and Sarah, with the lead switching between you as the games played out. Overall, Sarah actually did slightly better than you in those games, but what does that matter when public opinion was so heavily on your side? She may be your duty manager, but tonight, you have come out as the boss! You must be very pleased with yourself!

Simon: Oh I am! Everyone at work is going to love this! The staffroom’ll be packed when it airs!

Clara: [with a heavy sigh] Sarah Sarah… I bet you regret not allowing that Christmas party now.

Sarah: [through tight lips] Can we get this over and done with?

Clara: Oh, always an eye on the clock, this one! Sorry, Sarah, an event like this is far too good to rush, so you can sit up there for a while to take in the sights – and the smells – before we seal your fate in the sludge below! But here at Grudge-2-Sludge we’re not entirely heartless, and just as every condemned prisoner is granted a last meal, so we have prepared a Three-course Ordeal!

Out of the dimness at the back of the stage, Natalie wheels a serving trolley, which is laden with three pieces of exquisite silverware. The first is a tureen labelled “Gloop of The Day”, next to which is a cylindrical serving dish labelled “Manky Mains”. The third item is a tall jug with the label “Just Desserts”.

Natalie: Here we are! Lovingly prepared using ingredients from your very own supermarket – so you may recognise some of the dishes! Though if things go well for you, it’ll be Simon who’ll be getting acquainted with them!

Clara: I’m going to put to you three multiple-choice questions – one for each course of the ordeal. For each question you get right, Nat will serve that course all over Simon, giving you some small measure of revenge on him!

Simon grips at the arms of the throne, suddenly looking less relaxed.

Natalie: But get a question wrong, then things will get even worse for you than they are already!

Clara: So let dining commence! Nat, what’s the Gloop of the Day?

Natalie: [removing the lid from the tureen] Today’s Gloop of the Day is minestrone!

Clara: Ooh, minestrone! Sarah, here’s your question to decide where we serve it: One of the biggest industrial disputes in British history was the General Strike, which occured over nine days in May of which year? Was it
1922,
1924,
or 1926?

Sarah: [tutting and puffing] Ummmm… I dunno… let’s go with the last one… 1926.

Clara: [sighing] Sarah, that was a total guess, wasn’t it?

Sarah nods nervously, hunching her shoulders.

Clara: But it was a correct one!

Sarah’s eyes light up. Simon pulls a face.

Natalie: [heaving the tureen into her grasp] One Gloop of the Day to the gentleman over there!

Natalie carries the tureen to behind the throne, where she climbs a small set of steps. She raises the tureen above Simon’s head and looks teasingly down on him. She begins to pour, and Simon gasps slightly as the orange-brown sauce flows onto his head, flattening his spiked hairstyle. Natalie sloshes the tureen around in a circular motion, soaking and staining his shirt orange. With the liquid drained, she upturns the tureen and dumps the sediment of beans, spaghetti hoops and vegetables onto his head. Sarah chuckles at the sight.

Clara: Ah yes, minestrone always hits the spot! Now let’s see what’s on offer for Manky Mains…

Natalie: [returns to the trolley and removes the lid from the serving dish] Oooh! It’s caviar soufflé!

Clara: Blimey! You do work in a posh shop! Right Sarah, your next question continues the lifeguard theme from Flan the Frauds: Which former US president had his first job working as a Lifeguard in Dixon, Illinois? Was it
Ronald Reagan,
Bill Clinton,
or George W. Bush?

Sarah: [strokes her chin] Mmm… Well, I can’t picture George Bush as a lifeguard, that’s for sure. Bill Clinton, maybe… but didn’t he come from Arkansas? So I’ll go with Ronald Reagan.

Clara: That was admirably worked out there, Sarah – correct!

Simon groans.

Natalie: One caviar soufflé coming up!

Clutching the serving dish in both hands, Natalie reascends the steps behind the throne, looming over a cringing Simon. The soufflé, it would seem, is only semi-set, and it gloops over Simon’s head in a thick yellow layer, dotted with black cavier. Sarah laughs and claps as it splatters onto his shoulders and down his forehead. Natalie shakes out the dish and a big dollop of remaining caviar lands on Simon.

Natalie: How was that, sir?

Simon: [wiping around his eyes] Not great!

Natalie: Tsk! And we spent so much money on it – ungrateful!

Clara: A bit of roe woe for Simon there! Sarah, let’s see if you can add to his discomfort by giving him his Just Desserts – or will you get them yourself? What are they, Nat?

Natalie: [takes the lid off the jug] We have some organic three-grain semolina!

Clara: Ooh, very metropolitan! Sarah, your final question is pot luck. Here goes: Ascorbic acid is more commonly known as which vitamin? Is it
Vitamin A,
Vitamin B₁₂,
Or vitamin C?

Sarah: It’s vitamin C, Clara.

Clara: [frowning] Are you confident of that?

Sarah: [shrewdly] Confident enough not to change my answer, if that’s what your asking.

Clara: And you’re right not to – correct again!

Sarah cheers and waves both fists.

Simon: You’ve got to be joking!

Natalie: [picking up the jug] The joke’s on you, bud!

Natalie climbs the steps for the third time and stands over Simon, who resignedly waits for the pour. Natalie, however, decides that Simon’s hair has been messed up enough, so she instead she loosens his tie and unbuttons his shirt collar.

Simon: Hey! What are you…!?

Natalie inserts the lip of the jug into Simon’s shirt collar. Simon shrieks as the off-white semolina paste flows inside, coating his chest. Sarah laughs heartily at him from her position of current cleanliness.

Natalie withdraws the jug and Simon instinctive claps his hands to his shirt as he feels the semolina ooze down inside. What he doesn’t realise is that the jug is still half full. Winking to the audience, Natalie deftly unbuttons his trousers and pours the rest inside his fly. Simon’s mouth goes to a wide O-shape while Sarah cheers.

Clara: And for once Simon’s speechless! Sarah, you did well there. You’ve managed to stay clean throughout the ordeal and you’ve made quite a mess of Simon. But the time for celebrating is over, because you’re about to get far, far worse!

Handel’s Hallelujah chorus belts out around the studio, the audience clapping along in time. To the right-hand side of the throne, the blingy toilet-style chain descends, coming to a stop at a convenient reach for Simon.

Natalie: Well bad luck, Simon! Semolina in the pants is never a comfortable situation – not that I speak from experience, of course.

Simon: [squirming] I thought I was supposed to be the winner of this!

Natalie: Fear not, Simon; very soon you’ll feel every bit a winner. Take a good look at your duty manager Sarah. Think about how she has you running around like a mad thing doing dozens of jobs at one. Relive the hours you spent scrubbing at that fish counter with a toothbrush for her mean amusement. And remember your disappointment when she cancelled your Christmas party! And then, at your supreme leisure, take hold of that golden chain…

Natalie and Clara together: [as they evacuate the vicinity] AND SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!

Sarah has her hands on her hips, trying to strike a defiant pose, but her lips wobble and her throat can be seen to swallow as she awaits her fate. Her eyes are fixed on Simon, and he returns her gaze as he blissfully reaches out and tugs the chain.

Sparks erupt in fountains either side of the catapult, which draws sharply backwards, breaking Sarah’s gaze with Simon and leaving her looking at the rafters. Directly in front of the catapult, a column of bright green gunge descends, splashing into the blue sludge near the edge of the pool.

With a resounding twang, the catapult springs forth, the seat unfolding to force Sarah into a straightened stance. She still has her hands on hips when the catapult reaches the vertical configuration and comes to a sudden stop, and her upright body splashes through the column of falling gunge. Tipping forwards, she smashes through the spinal column of the fish skeleton.

Briefly, Sarah’s body leaves a trench imprinted in the mucky morrass, but then the sludge folds over her from either side, while the audience go wild at her downfall. Simon too seems to have forgotten all about the messy food covering him as he gleefully peers down from the throne, awaiting the re-emergence of his boss – very different to how she went in.

On one side of the fishbone, a misshapen hand breaks out of the surface, blue clinging between the fingers. It windmills back into the sludge, before another hands emerges from a patch of grey on the other side of the fishbone and makes a similar motion, as if Sarah is attempting some experimental swimming stroke to free herself.

Then, right at the head of the fishbone, something begins to rise. The white foam clings to Sarah’s hair and face as she slowly lifts her head, while underneath this she is already heavily slathered in the lumpy blue goo, which clings to her skin and dangles from every extremity. She spits a stream of the stuff from her mouth.

Then, her feet finding the base of the pool and her nerves reaching a new state of shock, Sarah leaps upwards, her shoulders and bust breaking clear of the surface, before she falls back, up to her armpits, then pops up again, finding an equilibrium level with the sludge just over her bust. Sarah’s apron sags in front of her, weighed down with the goo, while her shirt is fully saturated, inside and out. Even Sarah’s trousers can’t hold off the sludge; she squeals as she feels it ooze its way up her legs, filling her trousers from the ankles up.

Sarah raises her hands to clear around her eyes, which blink in astonishment. Her jaw hangs agape, the sludge hanging in stalactites from her chin, upper lip and nose. It is a world apart from the aloof, calm manner she has maintained throughout the show; for once this strict boss is not in control of her composure, let alone anything else! Continuing to gasp and gape, Sarah turns her gaze up to Simon, who exchanges some kind of mocking banter with her that the microphones don’t pick up.

Then, just as Sarah is starting to claw back some semblance of composure, the heavens open and a great load of beige goo drops from them. Even lumpier than the sludge in the pool, this stuff has long elasticky strings in it as well as irregular rubbery lumps, not a million miles from vomit. It falls forcefully, with a wide radius, and there is nowhere for Sarah to hide except downwards, up to her neck in the sludge, while somewhere above her Simon cheers.

Natalie: [tentatively stepping onto the stage as the main lights go up] Oh my word! Nasty nasty!

Clara: Look out, Nat! There’s more!

Another job lot of goo, similar in consistency to the previous one but greener in hue, is dropped on the cowering Sarah. When it finally subsides, something stringy is draped over one side of Sarah’s head, obscuring one eye, while the other blinks in renewed shock.

Natalie: Now that was sick – in every sense of the word!

Clara: A spectacular slinging, Nat, and an even more stupendous sludging, and it’s something we ought to see again in slow motion!

The slow-mo replay duly plays, Sarah grimacing as the sparks erupt either side of her and her chair lurches back, while the curtain of green gunge begins to fall in front of her, splattering on the lumpy blue below. Sarah’s eyes and mouth widen as the catapult discharges, but comically her hands remain fixed on her hips, even as the seat straightens. By the time the catapult reaches the vertical position, Sarah is a standing position, her apron straightened out. The seat gives a parting push to her bum and then she splashes through the stream of gunge, giving her hitherto clean hair and uniform a green coating. Her body remains straight as she tips through the air, hands still on hips, mouth unfortunately open, towards the sludge.

Back in the present, Sarah has wiped some of the excess crud from her face and hair, though is still totally dishevelled and barely recognisable. She has regained control of her wits somewhat, and shakes her head and sticks her tongue out at the camera.

Natalie and Clara go over to the throne.

Natalie: Simon, you’ve done it! You’ve dropped your hard-nosed boss into the dross! You must be the envy of millions of workers all over the world right now! Semolina aside, how are you feeling?

Simon: I’m feeling absolutely fantastic! I can’t wait until everyone at work sees this!

Clara: You’re gonna be a popular lad – even more so now that you get to choose three friends to take with you to Madrid for the Champions League final next year!

Simon whoops.

Natalie: But here’s the real prize! It’s going to look great on the noticeboard in your staffroom. [Holds up a giant certificate to the camera and reads aloud from it].

 

This is to certify that

 

 

has had the grudge with his boss

settled in his favour, and that accordingly:

 

‣ Sarah will not load several jobs at once onto Simon in the name of ‘multitasking’.

‣ Sarah will not make Simon use ridiculous tools when cleaning.

‣ Simon has the right to a generous amount of break time.

‣ Sarah will not nit-pick Simon’s uniform and attire.

‣ There will be a Christmas party in the staffroom – ho ho ho!

 

Signed,

 

Natalie Lloyd               Clara Quick

 

 

 

 

 

Clara: [pointing] And you see here at the bottom there’s a space to put your favourite photo of Sarah in the sludge! I hope it provides some workplace motivation!

Simon: [chuckling] I’m sure it will! Thanks for everything.

Natalie: You’re very welcome. Thanks for coming on the show. Everybody, let’s have a big round of applause for Simon!

The spectators clap and cheer while Simon, still covered in soup and soufflé, and with his uniform full of semolina, waves his certificate.

While this has been going on, Sarah has ploughed her way to the edge of the pool (leave a trail of churned-up sludge behind her) and is trying to haul herself out.

Clara: Oi oi oii! What’s going on here?! You stay in there, lady! It’s not clocking off time yet!

Natalie: Can’t blame you for trying to get out, though; it’s pretty fishy round here – whewf!

Clara: So Sarah, after this big humiliation for you, are Simon and his colleagues going to experience a kinder, gentler Ms Boswell in the store from now on?

Sarah: [putting on a stern manner] Believe me, if Simon thinks he’s seen the mean me, he ain’t seen nothing yet!

Natalie: Ooh dear, unrepentant. Simon, if she breaches any of the terms of the certificate, give us a call and we’ll sort her out!

Clara: To be fair, Sarah, you may have a spoilsport image, but you were at least a good enough sport to come on here and brave the sludge, so we appreciate that. And while you’re not getting that holiday in Galicia, we are going to afford you a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack to help you get cleaned up for your return to work!

Natalie: But for now… I’m afraid the cleaning facilities are rather more basic!

Natalie tosses a small item down at Sarah, which lands in the sludge beside her and becomes embedded in the surface. It is a toothbrush. Sarah pulls a sour expression.

Clara: Let’s have a round of applause for Sarah please!

As the audience shows their appreciation, Natalie and Clara step hastily away. Another batch of goo, this time of a yellow tinge, rains down on Sarah, plenty of it splattering on the floor since she is at the edge of the pool.

Natalie: Ooh yuck! I wouldn’t want to be the person who has to mop that up!

Clara: Why are you looking at me? Anyway, that brings us to the end of this episode of Grudge-2-Sludge!

Natalie: She was Clara Quick.

Clara: And she was Natalie Lloyd! Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next week, when we’ll have some more wacky games, more frauds to flan, another rankling grudge…

Natalie: [pulls a disgusted face as she gestures Sarah] …And another loser in the sludge! Goodnight!

The outro music plays and the audience claps. We return for one more close-up of Sarah as she again tries to lever herself out of the pool, but is beaten back by another downpour of gunk. Simon waves from his throne, happy though still squirming a bit, and Natalie and Clara wave zanily as the shot passes them. The camera swings round toward the audience, and as it sweeps along the front row, we see Kel, Irene and some of the Flan the Frauds participants sitting in dressing gowns, clapping and waving.

The music and clapping continues, a montage of the show’s highlights plays, including choice snippets from the video-reels, moments of high drama from the games, the flannings of the alleged lifeguards, Kel and Irene getting gunged in the trolley, and Natalie doleing out the Three-course Ordeal to Simon. The montage concludes with a behind-the-catapult view of Sarah being sprung to her doom, through the curtain of falling green gunge, into the morass of blue sludge, and finally the back of her head emerging from the sludgy depths.

Well there you go – the less controversial option won through! Thanks to the anonymous person who commissioned this episode and provided great characters to work with.

The site’s more conventional readership will be glad to hear that the next episode will be a female-female affair, when same-sex fiancées Juliette and Bec will do battle!

I’m still taking commissions for further episodes – see here for details.