The characters in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people is coincidence.
ROUND 1: Gym-Elastics
The show breaks for adverts, after which the next segment opens in a section of the stage that has been themed as a gymnasium. If features several typical pieces of apparatus along one side: a vaulting horse, a balance beam, a row of suspended hoops, etc, although everything is in fact inflatable and thus not liable to cause injury. Similarly safety-conscious padding has been applied to the main floor area, which is also sloped, and has a shallow layer of water running down it.
At the bottom end is a ditch into which this water flows (with drainage seemingly keeping the level constant), about twelve foot wide and two foot deep. Draped across this ditch, and attached to the back wall, are two substantial white cords. Close by, two inflatable open-topped crates are fixed in place, each containing balls similar in diameter to basketballs – red balls in one crate; blue balls in the other.
At the top end of the slope, a pair of basketball hoops are mounted, rimmed in the respective player colours. Intriguingly, instead of nets, these hoops have funnels attached under them, leading into tall perspex cylinders.
The camera zooms out to reveal Natalie and Clara on a balcony above the playing area.
Natalie: Hello again. You’re watching Grudge-2-Sludge, presented by her, Clara Quick!
Clara: And by her, Natalie Lloyd!
Natalie: And here at the Grudge-2-Sludge gym, everything’s ready for a gruelling workout. Well, everything except the contestants, it seems. Where are they?
Clara: [tutting] Still mucking about in the changing room! [Shouts] Abby! Isabella! Hurry up and come out!
Through a doorway, the contestants reluctantly step out onto the playing area below, to be greeted by laughter from the audience. On their upper halves, they are wearing 1980s-style leotards of a most shocking fuchsia pink, which are sleeved to just below the elbows, cut to a gold-edged ‘V’ at their chests, and scooped extremely high at the hips. On their lower-halves are full-length Lycra leggings in violently clashing lime green. To complete the eighties look, each girl is wearing a headband – red for Abby, blue for Isabella.
Natalie: Blimey! Where are me sunglasses! I’m getting terrifying flashbacks from 1985 – and I was only born in 1990!
The pair walk self-consciously out of the doorway. Although the costumes cover quite a lot of skin, they conceal nothing of Abby’s tight figure nor of Isabella’s curves. The girls frown at the floor as their pumps splash in the shallow, flowing water.
Clara: Yeah, sorry about that. We’ve got a little bit of a plumbing problem!
Natalie: Listen up ladies, this is the first of three games you’ll be playing tonight, and it’s called Gym-elastic!
Clara: And no, we’re not only referring to your frightful workout gear, but also to those bungee cords at your feet. If you would be so kind as to pick them up…
Abby and Isabella obediently bend down, but as they do so, loud ripping sounds are heard. Both hurriedly stand up again, gulping in dread as they clap hands over their crotches and chests.
Natalie: Gotcha! Ha ha! Don’t worry, it’s only a sound effect!
Clara: Fear not – these leotards are seriously strong! And they need to be, considering what we’ve got lined up for them. But you know what – I think it’s best someone attaches your bungees for you.
Natalie: Well, I’m not going down there to risk getting wet!
Clara glares at Natalie, but relents and descends a little staircase into the playing area. She steps cautiously with her high heels across the wet floor, anxiously eyeing the ditch of water, to which she is perilously close. But she successfully attaches the bungee cords to the back of each player’s leotard, and returns safe and dry to the balcony.
Clara: Right, the rules of this game are pretty obvious, but we’ll spell them out to avoid any doubt. In those crates next to you are medicine balls.
Natalie: Meaning balls full of ‘medicine’. Handle with care!
The camera zooms in on Abby’s crate, and we see that the balls are in fact balloons.
Clara: The aim of this game is to slam-dunk your balls into the hoops at the other end of the gym. Said hoops are rimmed with spikes, so the balls will burst and their contents will go into the tubes below.
The camera now shows one of these cylindrical tubes, which is marked with a series of numbered notches.
Natalie: Each balloon contains one notch-worth of goo. You have 90 seconds on the clock, and because this game is quite tricky, we’re going to give you two points for each notch you fill up.
Clara: But it would be too easy – and nowhere near as amusing for us – if you could just stand by your crate and throw the balls. So you need to have at least one foot over the line when the ball leaves your hand [points to a white line about two-thirds of the way up the slope]. We’ll be watching, and we’ll disallow any notches where you don’t follow this rule!
Natalie: Oh, and it’s very important to keep your hydration and energy levels up, so drinks and snacks will be provided!
Clara: So, are you ready for your workout?
Natalie: Your 90 seconds start NOW!
High-tempo eighties workout music begins to play. Each player lunges into her crate, plucks out a ball, and charges up the slope. In under a second, Isabella has slipped and fallen flat on her face. Her ball, which she was carrying in both hands, bursts under her boobs, splattering them with blue slime. She slides backwards on her front, over the edge of the ditch and immerses into the water.
Clara: This is gonna be good!
Abby is doing slightly better, running with the ball under one arm like a rugby player. But as the bungee cord tautens, she finds it harder to keep traction. Her legs wheel under her at comical speed as she goes absolutely nowhere. Then she slips. Her ball flies out from under her, bursting on the floor as she slides down. She too goes in the water, but manages to do so in a sitting position so avoids getting her upper body wet.
Having clambered out of the pool, her hair and leotard dripping, Isabella grabs her next ball. After a couple of false-starts, she makes it over the line and launches her ball with a clumsy underarm. It splatters on the wall, while Isabella again plants on her front and slides her way to another soaking. Meanwhile, Abby succeeds in crossing the line and pitches her ball in a more graceful fashion. It lands neatly in the hoop, bursting and showering its red contents into the perspex tube. Abby raises a victory fist as she is dragged back down the slope.
Natalie: Energy drinks, anyone?
Two orange showers fall from above, precision-aimed on the players as they run up the slope. Although the downpours amount to little more than coloured water, they are evidently highly chilled. Isabella shrieks and tumbles, yet again planting into the ditch. Abby manages to keep her cool in the face of the cold downpour, and powers on, landing another ball in her hoop and increasing her lead. Isabella slaps the surface of the water in her mounting frustration.
Clara: Protein shakes?
Light-brown slop, opaque and thicker than the ‘energy drinks’ pours on the contestants from above. This time it is Abby who gets caught out, mostly by the messiness, and makes an impromptu somersault down the slope into the water. Isabella, on the other hand, powers through the brown shower and tosses her ball. It lands on the rim of the hoop, teeters there, and then drops in, much to the thrower’s relief and satisfaction.
Natalie: Snack time! How about some trail mix?
Heaps of grain, seeds and nuts are tipped onto Abby and Isabella, sticking to their wet bodies and hair, and causing them to splutter. Both quickly recover, however, fixated on the competitive element of the game. The levels of slime in the cylinders are clearly visibile, so that unlike in the games in the pilot episode, each player can compare her performance to her rival in real time, with powerful effects on the psychology. For a while, Abby manages to maintain a steady lead on Isabella, but then the latter gets into her stride and closes the gap. This causes Abby to panic, leading her to some comical errors such as throwing a ball straight into her own face, dousing her head with slime.
Clara: Ten seconds left! Nine! Eight!!
Abby and Isabella make their last ditch efforts to score. Isabella succeeds, but Abby’s shot goes well wide.
Natalie, Clara and audience: SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!! FOUR!!…
Both players lose their footing and roll down the incline for a final splashdown.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!
A klaxon sounds. The upbeat music cuts out, and further big heaps of trail mix are dumped on the players as they sit up in the ditch.
Natalie: STOP!!
Abby and Isabella sit in the ditch, spluttering from a mixture of trail mix and exertion.
Clara: Well, it looks like our workout wore both of you out, so mission accomplished from our point of view! But how well did you do?
Natalie: Luckily Clara and I can read off your scores from up here. Abby, let’s look at yours first.
The camera shows the cylinder below Abby’s hoop, which is filled with red slime up to the notch numbered 9.
Natalie: Nine notches, which at 2 points a notch gives you 18 points!
Abby nods as she clambers out of the ditch. Isabella, meanwhile, is immersing herself in the water, trying to wash off the trail mix.
Clara: Right then Isabella, let’s see how you did.
The camera shows the cylinder beneath Isabella’s hoop, inside which blue slime reaches to the number-9 notch also.
Clara: Ooh, you got nine notches as well, which puts you level-pegging with Abby on 18 points!
The two players look at each other and nod, each relieved not to be behind, but a little disappointed not to have a stolen a march on their opponent.
Natalie: Hang on! Wait!! [touches her earpiece] It’s just been brought to our attention, Abby, that when making one of your successful shots you hadn’t crossed the line, so we’re going to have to disallow two of your points!
Abby: Huh! That can’t be right! I made sure I crossed the line every time!
Clara: [flatly] The marshals have told us that in one instance you didn’t.
Abby: [shaking her head] Well, they’re wrong then.
Isabella: Oh for goodness’ sake, Abby! Accept you can’t always be perfect in everything you do!
Natalie: We don’t need your input, thank you, Isabella!
Abby: Sorry, but I’m not accepting it! This is nonsense!
Clara: [crossly] Play the footage!
A replay shows Abby running with the ball. As she approaches the line, the videos slows to frame-by-frame motion and is overlaid with ridiculously over-complicated graphics. Abby’s leading foot is circled and the line is highlighted. Her throwing hand is also circled and an arrow points to the moment the ball leaves it, while a dotted line shows the ball’s trajectory to the hoop (also highlighted). Several times the throw is played back and forth. It is clear that neither of Abby’s feet have crossed the line.
The audience suck in their breath and make a low ‘Uuummm!’.
Natalie: [simpering] Guilty as charged, so we are going to disallow you two points!
Clara: And we’re going to dock you a further point for answering back!
Abby’s jaw drops while a “wah! wah! wah! waahh!” trombone sound effect plays.
Natalie: You agreed to accept our adjudication and that’s your penalty for not doing so! [Smiles sweetly at the camera] So, at the end of Round One, Abby has 15 points…
Clara: …But in the lead, it’s Isabella with 18!
Isabella cheers and laughs at a stony-faced Abby.
Natalie: And on that note, it’s time for Abby and Isabella to peel off those shocking eighties leotards and get dried off, before we head into Round Two!
Clara: [murmuring to Natalie] You’ll need go down there and detach their bunjees.
Natalie: [whispering back] You do it!
Clara: But I’ve been down there once already!
Natalie: Exactly, so you know what to do…
The scene fades out as the presenters continue to argue.
ROUND 2: Flan the Frauds (Librarian Edition)
A brief title sequence plays and then, by the magic of non-live TV, Abby and Isabella are back in their regular clothes, cleaned and dried off (albeit with damp hair and odd roasted oat), and seated in armchairs. In front of each is a table furnished with large shaving-cream pies, each a good foot and a half in diameter, and mounded nearly a foot high in pastel shades of the respective player colours.
The camera slowly swings around to reveal seven women, standing in a row facing the contestants. Each is wearing a beige cardigan, stiff white blouse with frilly collar, below-the-knee pencil skirt in dark blue, and flat-soled shoes.
Natalie: [shouting at the top of her voice] HELLO EVERYBODY!! YOU’RE WATCHING GRUDGE-2-SLUDGE, AND THIS IS ROUND TWO!!
Clara: [jabbing Natalie in the side] Sssshhhh!
Natalie: WHAT DID YOU SAY, CLARA!?
Clara: Nat! Sssshhh!! These are librarians!
Natalie: [in her normal voice, which is still quite loud] Oh. I do apologise. You’re watching Grudge-2-Sludge, and this is Round Two. Abby and Isabella, you’ll be relieved to hear that you don’t have to wear costumes or get messy in this round. Instead, our seven stooges will be providing that line of entertainment!
Clara: Yes, this is Flan the Frauds – the round that tests your powers of observation and reasoning.
Natalie: Tonight, we have a line-up of librarians, and our contestants will be hoping they can read them like a book!
The audience groans.
Clara: Did you get your joke book from a library, Nat? Cos you need to return it.
Natalie: [cattily] And you need to take one out!
Clara: [after two seconds of awkward silence] Let’s meet the line-up, shall we?
The camera sweeps the line of women. None of them says anything, but prominent badges give their names.
Bernadette is mixed-race with light-brown skin and a round face. Her afro hair is dyed brassy blonde and swept into a bunch on the top of her head. She has an hourglass figure and appears a year or two short of forty. She wears dangly earrings and has several necklaces of coloured beads draped over her cardigan.
Lydia sports huge hipster glasses with thick black frames. She has red hair (seemingly her natural hue), styled into a straight-cut shoulder-length bob with a fringe. In addition to her name badge, her cardigan bears half a dozen other badges espousing various political causes. Her figure is slim and boyish and she looks to be mid twenties.
Yvonne is the oldest participant – late forties or possibly into her fifties – pencil-thin and with a bony face. Her lips purse tightly while she glares at the camera through half-moon spectacles on a chain. Her hair is dark grey, pulled into a bun of severe tightness.
Mary is the stoutest of the line-up, with an abdomen like an oak tree and boulder-esque breasts. Mid to late twenties, she has a milky complexion and a bird’s nest of fair, curly hair. Like the previous two, she is wearing glasses – high magnification ones that make her eyes look huge. She chews her finger nervously.
Amy is the tallest, with a lean, wiry frame. She has straight, light-brown hair held by hair clips behind a pair of large ears. This, together with her small nose and prominent front teeth, lends her the appearance of a rabbit, or perhaps a hare. No glasses. Early thirties.
Nisha is of Indian extraction with dark-brown skin and glossy black hair reaching to her hips. She looks easily the youngest of the line-up – at the end of her teens or the start of her twenties. She is also the shortest, and has a slight build. She has a collection of bangles on both wrists and her nails are long and painted pink.
Fred sports a blue and orange mohawk, the sides of her head shaved to the skin. She has numerous piercings in her left ear, and a snake tattoo ‘hanging’ around her neck. She is the only participant with her cardigan unbuttoned, and is chewing gum. Her age is hard to gauge, but between 25 and 35 is likely.
Natalie: Hmmmm. Quite a motley crew we have running the nation’s public libraries these days – but can you read a book by its cover?
Clara: You see, all of these ladies came here expecting to sit in the studio audience, but we’ve borrowed them for the evening!
Natalie: Geddit? Borrow?
More groaning from the audience.
Clara: Each of them is either a genuine librarian, stamping books nine to five…
Natalie: …Or, if she has ever entered a library in her life, it was probably for a snog behind the reference section!
Clara: We’re not going to say how many of these ladies are for real and how many are frauds, other than that there’s at least one in each category.
Natalie: Each genuine librarian has been instructed to speak truthfully, whereas each fraud has been told to lie and bluff in an attempt to deceive.
Clara: We’ve given each fraud half an hour of internet time to research everything bibliotechnical, but otherwise this is a closed-book exercise!
Natalie: Abby and Isabella, your task is to sort the hardback volumes from the penny dreadfuls, and to do this you will take turns to put questions to our line-up. You can ask them pretty much anything, or even request they perform an action, but you can’t directly ask whether they are genuine or frauds, nor whether they think their fellow participants are.
Abby: So they don’t know whether the others are real or not?
Clara: That’s correct. Each lady was taken straight from the front door to her cell – I mean, dressing room – and they haven’t had any opportunity to communicate.
Abby takes this information on board with a thoughtful air.
Natalie: [not best pleased by the interruption] After listening to the answers, you must flan the face of one participant you think is a fraud! And when I say flan, look at these – these are proper huge flans!
The librarians giggle and cringe.
Clara: Once a participant has been flanned, she is out of play. The other player then puts a question to the remaining participants, and flans one. This continues until either all the participants have been flanned, or one of you declares that you don’t want to dispense any more flans.
Natalie: At which point, the other player has the opportunity to flan any number of the surviving participants, but can’t ask any more questions.
Clara: At the end of the game we’ll ask our participants to reveal their true natures, and points will be awarded – or deducted – accordingly!
Natalie: Please bear in mind we’ve fine-tuned our scoring scheme since the pilot episode: for each correctly flanned fraud, you’ll score five points, but wrongly flanning a librarian who’s for real will land you with a three-point penalty.
Clara: [turning to the line-up] And as for you, ladies, while I trust a faceful of flan is something you wish to avoid, that’s not your only incentive for doing well. Any of you who succeeds in convincing both Abby and Isabella that you’re for real – whether that be the case or not – will receive a £250 cash prize!
The audience woos.
Natalie: So, is everybody clear on everything?
Abby, Isabella and the librarians all nod.
Clara: Then let’s play Flan the Frauds! Isabella, you have the lead, so would you like to go first or second?
Isabella: [smugly] First.
Clara: It’s all yours then.
Isabella: Hi, ladies. Being librarians, it goes without saying you love books. What’s your all-time favourite book, and why?
The camera starts on Bernadette.
Bernadette: Pride and Prejudice, because hey, it has it all: posh houses, nice dresses, dashing gentlemen… [winks]
The camera moves along the row.
Lydia: [with a flat tone] The Second Sex, by Simone de Beauvoir. It describes how women are oppressed by men, and sadly not much has changed since it was published seventy years ago.
Yvonne: [imperiously] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, because although I don’t care much for little boys that scoff chocolate, the Trunchbull is a great role model of mine!
Mary: [in a very quiet voice] Uh, The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I loved it as a child, [blushes] especially as the girl was called Mary.
Amy: I’m going with a non-fiction book: Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. Really invokes a sense of awe, and it’s written so clearly I can even understand some of it!
Nisha: I know this’ll sound boring, but it has to be Harry Potter, because… [shrugs] why not?
Fred: [between chews of gum] War and Peace. I haven’t finished it yet, but it’s good so far.
Clara: A few classics there. Isabella, have an idea who to flan?
Isabella clearly has an idea; she picks up one of her pastel-blue pies and strides unwaveringly towards Yvonne. The corners on the scowling woman’s face turn down a little further as Isabella squares up to her.
Isabella: Well Yvonne, you’ve certainly got the strict librarian look going on and you’re playing up to it well. But you made a glaring error: the Trunchball is in Matilda, not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so there goes your golden ticket!
While Isabella is saying this, Yvonne whips off her half-moon specs, letting them dangle on the chain. The pie being so large, Isabella decides to deploy it two-handed, lifting it into the woman’s sour face. Yvonne jolts slightly as the pale-blue shaving cream buries the front half of her head. Isabella gives it a good rub in and then pushes the pie onto the top of Yvonne’s head.
As Isabella steps away and the audience cheers, Yvonne’s mouth spits from the centre of the big blue blob that her head has become. Bits of cream drop onto her cardigan. She wipes her eyes clear and replaces her spectacles.
Yvonne: [jabbing a finger after Isabella] Young lady, you are banned from my library!
Natalie: Ooo, someone’s not happy, but we are! Top flanning there, Isabella; I like the two-hands approach! Abby, it’s your turn.
Abby: Hello, ladies. I’m looking for a book on cross-stitch patterns; can you tell me which Dewey number to look under, please?
Bernadette: [Pulling an ‘eek’ face] Ahhh, Dewey numbers. Usually I look them up as and when I need them. Well, um, sewing is a technology, which is in the six-hundreds… and, uh… no, sorry, that’s the best I can do.
Lydia: I refuse to use the Dewey Decimal System. It’s racist, homophobic and Christo-centric, as are most things designed by white men.
The camera sweeps past Yvonne, who is crossly wiping her face.
Mary: Actually, cross-stitch is classed as arts and crafts, not technology, so it’s in the seven-hundreds. Seven-four-six, to be precise. [Smiles bashfully]
Amy: [pauses for a few seconds then nods] Yeah, Mary’s right. Seven-four-six.
Nisha: [looking relieved] Seven-four-six.
Fred: Twelve.
Natalie: Mmm. It’s unusual to ha–
Fred: Only kidding! It’s seven-four-six.
Natalie: [glowering towards Fred] Quite finished? As I was saying, it’s unusual to have so much agreement in this game. Abby, has that been helpful to you?
Abby’s expression shows that it has been at least partially helpful to her. She takes one of her pastel-pink pies and advances to the left-hand end of the line. Bernadette shakes her head and softly moans as Abby approaches.
Abby: Sorry to pick on you, Bernadette; you’ve got a hard task being first in line, and I’m pretty sure there was some bluffing going on down the line. But your lack of knowledge screams “30 minutes online research” to me, so you’ve gotta go!
Despite Abby’s apologetic tone, there is no hiding her glee as she smushes the pie into Bernadette’s face, sending pink cream flying outwards. She rubs the pie up and down, gives it a twist, then does an up-and-over, completing the engulfment of Bernadette’s head before letting the pie tin clatter to the floor. Bernadette’s bunched up afro is filled with cream and her earrings dangle with big blobs on them. She blinks her eyes clear and issues a self-deprecating laugh.
Clara: Great flanning, Abby! Isabella, let’s have your next question.
Isabella: Imagine that I’m talking too much or my headphones are too loud…
Abby: [snarkily] Don’t need to imagine, Bel.
Isabella: …Tell me to be quiet!
The camera goes straight past Bernadette who is still laughing to herself over her messy state.
Lydia: Usually, when someone tells someone else to be quiet, you’ll find that it’s a man trying to silence a woman. Or a white person trying to silence a person of colour. Or a cis-human trying to silence a trans-human. Silencing is a weapon by which the patriarchal aggressors in society seek to–
Natalie: Yeah, alright! Next please!
The camera sweeps past Yvonne who has cleared her face but still has a shell of cream coating her hair.
Mary: [looks around shyly. Takes a deep breath, puffing out her prodigious chest] SILENCE!!!!
The other participants jump, as do Natalie and Clara and the two contestants. The audience is duly stunned into a state of complete hush. Even as Mary’s booming voice echoes around the studio, she reverts to her timid self, apologetically looking down at her feet.
Amy: [puts a finger to her rabbit-teeth] Ssshhhhhhh!!
Nisha: Shush [spoken].
Fred: Headphones!? Next time bring a boom-box so we can all hear it!
Clara: [poking finger in ear] Thanks for the hearing loss, Mary! Isabella, make your decision.
Isabella selects a nicely piled pie from her table and heads towards the right-hand end of the line. She is tempted by Fred, but in the end she plumps for Nisha. The petite Indian girl pulls a sulky expression.
Isabella: Nisha, there’s nothing wrong with liking Harry Potter, but not being able to say which is your favourite book in the series and why is a bit weak, as was your attempt at shushing. [Glances at Nisha’s long nails and multiple bangles] And with all that baggage around your hands I can’t see you putting many books on shelves, either. Bye bye!
Isabella slams the pie, two-handed as before, into Nisha’s face. She bends the tin, crumpling it around Nisha’s head until it meets itself around the back, then walks away brushing off her hands. Flailing about, Nisha clutches at the crumpled pie tin and lifts it away, leaving a cylinder of blue cream around her shocked head.
Clara: Oh ho! Great technique. Abby, another question from you, please!
Abby: A common bugbear of librarians is people who return books late, and let’s be honest, the fines are pretty lame. What is it – 5p a day, capped at £2.50? If you could devise any type of punishment for late returners, what would it be?
Lydia: Fines are highly regressive, hitting the poorest hardest, as well as reinforcing capitalistic norms. Moreover, studies show that re-education is more effective than coercion, so instead of punishing late returners I explain to them how the equitable sharing of books benefits us all.
Natalie: [murmuring] Sounds like a punishment to me…
Mary: Well, uh, [fiddles with her cardigan], I did once come across an interesting book on torture methods in Imperial China… [for just a split second, Mary’s eyes catch the camera with a malevolent glint through her high-magnification glasses, then she hurriedly looks away and fiddles with her cardigan again.]
Amy: How about the Sludge Sling? I think one should be installed outside every library, for public sludgings at the busiest time of day!
Nisha is having a major strop over her ruined hair as the camera passes her.
Fred: I say to these people, “Look, if you wanna rob us, why not come in the middle of the night with a crowbar and do the place over proper?”
Natalie: Well, we’d be happy to discus installing a Sludge Sling outside any library that wants one. But for now, Abby, it’s over to you.
Taking one of her pies, Abby heads towards the right-hand end of the line, towards Fred. Fred eyes Abby coolly, still chewing her gum.
Abby: Well Fred, I see you go in for alternative fashion, but you’re also quite big on answering alternative questions to the ones you’ve been given, and I’m quite sure you’re something alternative to an librarian, so what alternative do I have?
With that, Abby launches her pie. Fred makes a concerted point of not reacting or moving as the pie envelops her face and the pink-tinted cream splatters onto the shaved side of her head. As Abby pushes the pie upwards, she folds the tin in two so that it clasps onto Fred’s mohawk. Fred doesn’t attempt to remove it, nor does she wipe her face. Movements underneath the mask of cream reveal that she is still chewing her gum.
Natalie: Cool as! Isabella, your next question please.
Isabella: Have you had any celebrity guests visit your library?
Lydia: By “celebrity” you mean the culture that elevates men to macho hero status while reducing women to sex objects? Not in my library, thanks.
Mary: Umm, well, I work in a very quiet library…
Clara: I don’t doubt it.
Mary: …so we don’t have many famous guests, but Jacqueline Wilson did come once to do a reading for local schoolchildren.
Amy: We once had [name bleeped out for legal reasons] drop in to look up a rare book on heavy-duty depilation techniques.
Clara: You learn something everyday! Anyway, Isabella, what’s your next move?
Isabella: [thoughtfully peruses the three women who are left in the game.] I think my next move is no move.
Natalie: You mean, you’re declaring yourself done?
Isabella: [nodding slowly] Uh-huh.
Clara: Okey dokey. Abby, you don’t get to ask another question, but you do have the option to pie some, all or none of these three ladies. What you gonna do?
Clearly, “none” isn’t Abby’s choice, as she quickly arms herself with another pie. She strides over to Lydia.
Abby: You’re another one trying to conceal a lack of basic knowledge behind an exaggerated personality. Now, I realise that library staff tend to be of a liberal-left outlook, but you’d test the patience of even the most PC of colleagues. You’ve certainly tested mine!
With a forceful underarm, Abby swings the pie into Lydia’s face, causing Lydia to stagger back while the audience cheers. Cream falls away onto Lydia’s cardigan, covering her political badges. Abby massages the pie through Lydia’s shoulder-length red hair before finally letting the spent tin clatter to the floor.
The deed done, Lydia reaches up and removes her huge hipster glasses, taking a large chunk of cream with them and revealing that the upper half of her face has been unscathed by the pie.
Natalie: I’m sorry, we can’t allow that!
Natalie hands another pie to Abby, who promptly slams it into Lydia’s face, completing the coverage. Lydia stumbles back again and spits, a large amount of shaving cream having entered her unsuspecting open mouth.
Natalie: [signalling to the audience to end their cheering] Woo! That makes me feel better! Abby, you don’t have to stop there; do you want flan Mary and/or Amy?
Abby: No, I’m done.
Clara: Okay then, it’s time for the great reveal! Ladies, if you would kindly remove your dust-jackets…
Bernadette pulls off the outer layer of her name badge. Underneath are the words “FOR REAL”
Bernadette: [smiling wryly through her pink-smeared face] For real. I’m never going to live this down in my library! From now on I’ll be studying the Dewey Code!
Lydia: [still spitting as she tugs at her name badge] For real. And let me tell you, I’m actually considered a reactionary amongst my colleagues.
Yvonne: [smiling for the first time as she pulls off her name badge] Fraud! And I worked so hard on my image, too. Damn Roald Dahl!
Mary: [visibly relieved not to have been flanned] For real.
Amy: [her buck teeth bared in a large grin] For real!
Nisha: [still trying to extract cream from her hair] Fraud.
Fred: [proudly wearing the folded pie tin over her mohawk] Big fat fraud!
The camera returns to the seated contestants as they absorb the revelations. Isabella is celebrating, while Abby looks rather glum.
Natalie: So, let’s see how you did. Abby, you correctly flanned Fred, earning you 5 points, but you got it wrong with Bernadette and Lydia, so we’ll have to deduct 3 points for each of those, making a big score of… [titters] oh dear – minus one!
Abby returns a black look to Natalie.
Clara: Isabella, you called both Yvonne and Nisha correctly, so at 5 points apiece, your score for the round is a cool 10 points!
Isabella raises a victory fist and cheers, then sticks her tongue out at Abby.
Natalie: [Turning to the librarians] Mary and Amy, congratulations on staying flan-free. Come over here and get your 250 quid!
The two ladies step over to collect their golden envelopes, while the audience applauds.
Natalie: By the way, Mary, if you fancy doing voiceovers for us, let us know. I’ll make sure I’m on the opposite side of the studio when you do it, though.
Mary is clearly not attracted by this offer, and tries to hide herself behind Natalie and Amy.
Clara: Bernadette, Lydia, Yvonne, Nisha and Fred – no cash for you, I’m afraid. But as a thank you for being good sports, you each get a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletries pack, provided courtesy of our sponsers! [Poses with a stylish box set of various branded toiletries]
Natalie: Bernadette, in case you’re wondering, the Dewey number for personal cleansing is 647.71. Speaking of which, shall we show these ladies to the showers?
A veritable monsoon is dumped on the five screaming women (even Fred is shaken from her cool composure), turning their cardigans dark and heavy, their white blouses see-through, and their hair a bedraggled, cream-streaked mess.
Natalie: That’s left them a bit more than dewy!
Another chorus of groans.
Clara: Give ’em a big hand, folks; they’ve earned it.
Applause and whistling sounds as the women shuffle off-stage, hunched and dripping. Fred removes her sodden cardigan and tosses it into the audience. Amy and Mary tag along behind, clean and dry and carrying their envelopes.
Natalie: Now let’s take a look at the overall scores!
Clara: After adding – or subtracting – that performance to the existing scores, we have Abby on 14 points, but Isabella has a comfortable lead with 28!
There follows more head-shaking from Abby and more cheering and goading from Isabella.
Natalie: Ooo dear, Abby! You seemed very confident when you were dishing out those flans, but it was rather misplaced, wasn’t it?
Abby: I feel hard-done-by, to be honest. Imagine a librarian not knowing the Dewey Code!
Isabella: Well nobody’s perfect, Ab. Not even you!
Clara: Wait until you’re spoken too, Miss Motormouth! Still, you do have every reason to be pleased with your performance so far.
Isabella: Sure am! Abby’s going down into that sludge! [Points downwards with both hands.]
Abby: [snapping] We’ll see about that!
Natalie: We will indeed, because there’s Round Three still to go – and that’s a big scorer – plus the results of our audience vote!
Clara: Yes, I have those results here; would everybody like to hear them?
Audience: YES!!
Natalie: Then hear them you will… after the break!
The audience, Abby and Isabella sigh.
