Disclaimer: This story is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and the characters are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or persons is coincidence.
In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
Note: So fair warning, this one is different. I wanted to try science-fiction in this context, and this is the result. It’s a bit of a behemoth. But I enjoyed writing it, so hopefully someone will enjoy reading it.
The black van pulled into the parking garage at the Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings headquarters, stopping at the gate. The guard was an android and not a particularly convincing one. It’s facsimile eyes recorded the Blaise Crisis Management logo on the side of the van, a gold star over a crimson circle, and observed the two women inside as the driver’s window lowered. The animatronics in the booth checked the visual scans against the BCM employee database, identifying the van’s occupants as Evelyn Blaise and Dell Lanning.
Its flaccid smile didn’t waver as it spoke, “Welcome to Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings. You are expected. A representative will meet you at elevator 3A. Please disengage manual control at this time. Have a nice day!”
Dell flipped a switch on the console and leaned back as the garage’s automated parking protocols took over. She looked herself over in the rearview mirror. This was the first time BCM was working with Novex Pharmaceutical and she wanted to present at least a semi professional image.
Dell was wearing a pair of black jeans, work boots, and a grey BCM short-sleeve button-down. She wasn’t wearing much make-up, but she tended not to need it. Her hair was midnight blue; it had black-bird iridescence and flashed greens and purples in the right light. She wore it short, tapering at the neck and hung over the left side of her face at an angle. Though Dell was average height, people often assumed she was taller, partly due to her trim, athletic figure and partly due to her elegant facial structure; her family often joked that she could have been a model if only she had different taste in friends.
The fact of the matter was, despite her great natural beauty, Dell was often overshadowed by Evie, her partner-in-crime both on and off the clock. Evie was blessed with, among other things, the hour-glass figure most women took pains to attain. She knew it too; even now, she had her uniform shirt unbuttoned, allowing her ample assets to bulge through the tank-top she wore underneath. Where Dell was content to downplay her physical advantages, Evie loved to amplify her own. Today, as she was working, she’d stayed largely subdued. Her jeans, though skin-tight, were more or less uniform, as were her knee high boots. She’d left her face unadorned, save some subtle flaring around the eyes. Lately, her hair was a bright shade of orange-red, except for roughly the last inch, which was platinum blonde shot through with strands of gold. She wore it down and voluminous, falling just past her shoulders.
Evie watched her friend and partner through half-closed eyes.
“My my, Dell, are you primping? Someone inform the media! You know this place is run by a woman right? I wouldn’t worry about trying to score here. Unless you’ve got your eye on that guard…”
Dell grinned and presented her with a rude gesture.
“Shut up. You’re right though, the president of Novex is a woman. So you can button your shirt. There aren’t any tramp-points to earn today.”
Evie returned the rude gesture. She sat up and started buttoning her shirt.
“But seriously,” Dell turned to face her partner, “Novex is real corporate juggernaut. They started off in pharmaceuticals, however lately they’ve been making some big strides in synthetic food production. I bet that’s got something to do with whatever we’re here to deal with…”
“Look who did her homework! I’m not sure if how I feel about working for corporate juggernauts. The money’s good, but they tend to be prickly about the rules… Nothing fun about a bunch of boring stuffed-shirts.”
The van stopped and slid sideways into a berth beside an elevator bank.
Dell shrugged, “I hear you. I’m just saying we may as well try to make a good impression. Boring or not, the pay is nothing to balk at.”
They left their gear in the van and waited by the elevator. There was no one else in the parking garage. Just when they were beginning to think the system had made a mistake, the elevator pinged and the doors opened.
A voice from the control panel of the empty car addressed them. The voice was smooth, and only sounded mechanical when it hit hard consonants: “Good morning. We have encountered a small delay. Please use this elevator to proceed to Level 162; Research and Development, Comestible Division. A representative will meet you upon arrival. Thank you.”
Soft unassuming music filled the elevator as it rose. Evie checked herself in the chromed surface of the doors. Dell grinned, “You think this whole place is just running on AI? Just a bunch of robots cranking out food and medicine…”
The elevator slowed, pinged, and opened up again.
A harried looking woman was waiting for them. She was tall, dressed in a black suit, and had wavy brown hair. Well, that was half-right. Her right side was hidden by a layer of yellow substance. It blotched her suit and pasted down her hair. She seemed to have been in the middle of wiping at it with a handkerchief when the elevator arrived.
Dell and Evie both stood staring, eyebrows arched incredulously.
“Ah. Hello! You must be Ms Blaise and Ms Lanning. My name is Jane. I can’t tell you how glad we are you’re here… Oh. Yes, I apologize, I’m a bit of a mess. This is what held me up on my way to meet you.”
Jane smiled wryly, holding up the yellowed handkerchief as though it served as an explanation.
“Look, uh, it’s going to be tough for me to explain this by myself… My boss, our president, is
waiting for us in a conference room just down the hall. How about we let her explain it? Right this way.”
As they followed Jane through the corridor Dell and Evie shot each other confused looks.
Walking behind Jane, they both notice the air smelled vaguely of vanilla.
Their guide stood at the door and ushered them into a richly appointed room with a long mahogany table and ergonomic desk chairs. A woman seated at the head of the table was the sole occupant.
She looked to be about ten years older than Evie and Dell, still only in her mid thirties. She was wearing a long black cocktail dress and a short black bolero. Her eyes were a green so piercing they almost had to be augmented. Her hair was golden blonde, set in shiny waves close to her head; the 1920’s style was once more vogue in haute circles. She’s been typing rapidly on a small datapad as they entered. She closed it and smiled as they sat down.
“Welcome to Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings. I’m Nora Nexa, the president of the company. Please call me Nora. Now which one of you is Evelyn Blaise? You’re related to Edmund Blaise I assume?” Her voice was commanding, yet gentle. Despite her years, this was a woman clearly comfortable controlling a room.
Evie nodded, “I am. My grandfather founded Blaise Crisis Management almost fifty years ago. We’re still a small company, but there’s no one in the business as specialized as we are.”
Nora tilted her head, “And what sort of problems are you usually called in to manage, if you don’t mind my asking?”
Dell stepped in, “Most of our jobs involve cleaning up after fire damage, or chemical spills. Occasionally we deal with escaped wildlife. Honestly though, I doubt there’s very much we haven’t seen at least once.”
Nora leaned back in her chair, turning her palms up, “Excellent. Well, in a sense, I suppose you could say that the crisis we are in the middle of is essentially a case of escaped wildlife… However I’m certain you haven’t dealt with anything quite like it.”
Before either of them could ask any questions, the door opened again. Jane entered and sat down, along with another woman. Jane had found a spare moment to run a wet cloth over her yellow side. It was damp but mostly clean.
The second woman had a boyish figure underneath a white lab coat. She was ghostly pale, with large eyes behind round glasses and very long black hair plaited down her back. She held a large Perspex cube, about a meter on each side. The cube was currently at full tint, hiding the contents.
“Perfect timing. Ladies, this is Doctor Andromedus. She is the chief researcher of our synthetic food division. She’s a bit of a genius, doing groundbreaking work in the field of genetic engineering…”
Nora rubbed her chin, “Of course, all of our current trouble can be traced back to her as well. You see, six months ago, we introduced a new line of synthetic foodstuffs at one of the big interplanetary trade-shows. The Neptunian ambassador happened to be attending, and happened to sample our synthetic custard.
“Now you as you may know, on Neptune, the preparation and consumption of food is one of the most important cultural pillars. Up until now, Earth cuisine has only been embraced by a niche foreign food market. However, the ambassador from Neptune loved our custard so much that he purchased, on the spot, every ounce we had produced.
“We understand he sent most of it back to Neptune, where it was outstandingly well received. Orders have been piling up ever since. There hasn’t been such off-world clamor for an Earth product since artificial beef was introduced on Mars.
“Of course, Neptune offers some distinct environmental challenges with regards to production and packaging. I’m proud to say that our team, led by Doctor Andromedus, has developed an ingenious and efficient solution to the problem. Doctor, if you please?”
The doctor stood, looking down at Evie and Dell, who were both dying to better understand the crisis NPH was facing.
“Sure. I have to admit, this may seem a bit strange at first, but it is absolutely the future of food production.” She pressed a button on a small remote, and the tint faded from the Perspex cube.
Inside, roughly the size of a loaf of bread, was a patch of fluffy lavender moss. Blooming from the moss were a few smooth, ovular pods. The pods, each a different size, were violet with yellow spots. The pods looked waxy and reminded Evie of balloons.
The doctor began her explanation once they’d had a chance to see the contents of the box.
“Recently, I’ve had a lot of success manipulating the genetics of a few species of moss and lichens. Really, once you crack the code, it’s not particularly difficult. Anyway, I’ve developed a hybrid species which produces NPH synthetic custard…”
Evie interrupted her, “Wait. You’re saying you grow custard… Inside that stuff?”
Doctor Andromedus smiled proudly, “Yes. See those little capsules growing there? The custard is produced in them. It was just a matter of inserting the genetic blueprint for the custard into the portion of the moss’ DNA sequence that controls spore production. Plants are fully capable of making all of the raw materials needed to compose the custard, it just took some tinkering to get it to make them in the right proportions.”
Dell whistled, “I have to admit, that’s kind of amazing.”
The doctor was pleased with their appreciation. “Thank you. Actually, it’s not entirely original work. I used a strain of SPER spores as a base.”
Self-Propagating Emergency Rations had been a major technological and humanitarian breakthrough several years ago. Designed to be disbursed by air over areas affected by disasters, SPER plants could flourish and reproduce rapidly using minimal resources. The plants’ “fruit” was a sort of large red shell-bean, which instead of peas, contained a nutritional gruel. While it wasn’t particularly tasty, the grey gruel could sustain people, otherwise lacking a food source, indefinitely. Though she hadn’t thought about it, Dell supposed it made sense that scientists were still refining the technology.
“Though I’m building on the foundations of the SPER project, I’m very happy with my results. To the best of my knowledge, our custard is the most complex formulation anyone has ever successfully modified a botanical organism to produce.”
“This is all extraordinarily impressive, but I still don’t understand what your work has to do with us at BCM.”
The doctor frowned and adjusted her glasses.
“Well, I’m afraid, in a sense, some of my experiments worked a bit too well. I did some cross-breeding of my custom moss cultivars with a lichen-based version of the SPER base. The intent was to develop a strain of custard producing moss that would be hardy enough to make the trip to Neptune, as well as produce high yields of custard once there.
“And it worked. Magnificently. The sample you see in this box? It has grown from spores in the last twelve hours, using only the resources available inside the cube…”
“Holy shit!” Evie covered her mouth and looked apologetically at the president of Novex Pharmaceuticals.
“No, no, Ms Blaise, I’m afraid that reaction is quite warranted.” Nora was grimacing tiredly.
“To make a long story short, some of these astoundingly resourceful spores have escaped containment, and are currently cropping up throughout our offices. The mosses they grow into are also extremely tenacious. Our cleaning staff consists of a dozen basic maintenance robots; they are entirely outmatched and have not been able to dent the outbreak in the last forty-eight hours.
“As if that weren’t enough… Doctor Andromedus, please show our guests the other fun party trick the moss has up its sleeve.”
“Ah. Of course. See, in my development, I failed to fully account for the powerful spore-spreading reflex the moss possessed. As I strengthened other aspects of the moss, I inadvertently strengthened this as well…”
The doctor opened the top of the cube and extended a telescoping pointer. Using the tip of the pointer, she very gently prodded one of the smaller pods growing from the moss. With a tiny pop, the pod burst, spraying a small amount of bright yellow custard on the wall of the box.
“And that’s not the worst of it. As the pods get larger, their sensitivity increases. For example,” she stuck her hand in the box, holding in a few inches from the largest pod. She snapped her fingers.
The pop was louder, and the spray of custard covered the inside of box as well as the doctor’s hand.
Jane spoke up for the first time, “That’s why I didn’t meet you in the garage. I shut the door to my office and there was a patch on the ceiling…” She flicked her wet hair, “Well you know the rest.”
Nora laughed. “I’m sorry Jane. But you looked ridiculous. I caught a bit of one this morning too. I managed to avoid more of it than Jane, but it ruined my suit. That’s why I’m attending this meeting black-tie…
“And actually, that brings us to the crisis part. In a sense, I was lucky I had change of clothes today; however I did only because tonight is an exceedingly important occasion for the company.
“This evening, here at our headquarters, Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings will host a small delegation of very important Neptunian business representatives. We will be negotiating highly lucrative distribution contracts for our custard. Tonight we will be welcoming the delegates to Earth with a banquet in their honor.
“Naturally, as much as they enjoy the custard, I doubt they would approve if they saw it growing haphazard in the hallways… We’ve managed to delay the start of the meal until 21:00, but that is the absolute latest we can push it.
“It’s nearly 08:30 now. Ladies, what we are asking you to do is clear out as much of the moss as you possibly can before the dinner tonight. Starting with the banquet hall on level 165, then focusing on the floor right above us. Level 163 is the floor where Doctor Andromedus has her lab, and it is the focal point of the outbreak. If you can get us through the event this evening, we will happily pay for your continued services as long as it takes to get rid of the infestation entirely. What do you say?”
Evie and Dell looked at one another, then back to Nora.
“Sure. We’ll give it our best shot.”
“Excellent! Thank you. You’ve both met Jane here. She is my personal and indispensable assistant. She’ll be around today overseeing your efforts. If you need absolutely anything, just talk to her.
“Now I’ll let you get to work. Go ahead and get you equipment, then come back here. Doctor Andromedus has been working on something that should help you out.”
*****
Dell and Evie brought up their gear, packed in a pair of large crates, on a small hover-dolly. Doctor Andromedus met them at the elevator and directed them to level 163.
“So Doc,” Evie said, “we have a number of high-power industrial solvents in the van. What do you recommend we try first?”
“Actually, I that’s what I want to show you. I think I’ve got that problem solved, so to speak.” The doctor laughed briefly at her own low-voltage joke. “Oh, and you can call me Persea.”
Evie gave Dell a pained expression behind the doctor’s back, “Yeah, sure thing Doc. Sounds good.”
They made their way towards the lab, passing through a section of level 163 which housed office workers. This area clearly was at the front-lines of the mossy incursion. Patches of the pale purple stuff were growing on desks and walls in profusion. It seemed every corner of the ceiling was hosting a clump of moss with a clutch of bulbous custard pods. Some of the employees in this area had umbrellas close at hand, and many appeared to have just not come in to work at all.
When the trio entered the laboratory, Evie was surprised to see how under control the moss was. It was growing in a number of spots, but much of the furniture and other important surfaces were clear. Shocking, considering this was the epicenter of the incident.
“Hey, Doc, how come you aren’t up to your eyeballs in custard?”
The doctor smiled and picked up a beaker. It contained a thick, clear substance that smelled a bit like lemons.
“That would be thanks to this. I’ve been calling it Neutralizer. Basically, it is a chemical compound I designed to counteract the moss. Works wonders. Breaks it down and leaves is vulnerable to conventional cleaning methods. I’ve been focused on making as much as possible since yesterday, so I should have as much as you need.”
Dell nodded, “That’s great. Does it have any dangerous corrosive or toxic qualities? Anything we should be aware of?”
Doctor Andromedus answered by taking a small sip from the beaker.
“Nope! Actually, it’s entirely edible. It’s got a very subtle lemon flavor. I don’t really recommend eating it though, it’s exceptionally viscous…”
Evie forced a grin, “Well. You’re sort of a one-trick-pony, huh?”
Dell punched her in the shoulder. “That’s great. Makes things a lot easier for us. Alright then, we’ll get started.”
But Evie was distracted by something on a lab table. It was another Perspex box with a moss sample. However, the lid was off this box and the moss inside was slightly different. This moss coated almost the entire inside of the box, and the pods were much larger, red with grey spots.
“Doc, what’s up with this moss? It’s weird.”
“That? Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. It’s just a moss-version of SPER. But it spreads via tiny seeds, not spores, so it’s not going anywhere. Turned out awfully nice though. I’m going to send samples to some universities; I think there’s a real potential for the hybrid. It grows unbelievably fast, much faster than the custard moss, especially in a dark, damp environment. And it produces something like ten times more nutrient gruel too…”
Evie had gotten more of an explanation then she’d wanted, and the Doc showed no sign of slowing down, “That’s fascinating, really fascinating. But I think I hear Dell calling me, better run.”
They began by unpacking their gear. Each woman had an all-purpose full body biohazard suit. They were big and a bit unwieldy, but it paid to take precautions. Besides, the clunky olive suits had integrated liquid dispersal systems, which had much larger capacities than their more maneuverable sprayers. However, because the job didn’t involve hazardous materials, they opted not to wear the bulky helmets. Besides, Evie argued, why ruin their hair if they could avoid it?
They filled the tanks built into the backs of the suits with the Doc’s Neutralizer goo. The tanks attached, via hosing strapped to the right arm, to a nozzle unit which looked like a shower head on the end of a complicated electric drill. They set the nozzles to accommodate the thickness of the Neutralizer.
Next, they uncrated AACE. AACE was their Advanced Automated Cleaning Engine. Basically a rounded chrome cone, set base-down on five circular scrubber-brushes for mobility, with three utility arms sticking out of the top, AACE followed in their wake, doing the more menial aspects of the jobs. In this case, it would be AACE’s responsibility to use his hose, vacuum, and polisher attachments to remove the moss Dell and Evie had neutralized, as well as any stray custard. AACE wasn’t the smartest robot out there, but the girls fondly considered him part of the team.
Lastly, Dell set up a number of portable decontamination gates. The gates were effectively just thick strips of mechanics that were fixed to the ceiling near doors. A diode running the length of the gate emitted a weak electromagnetic field. The field was nearly imperceptible to humans, but would be enough to fry any airborne moss spores. In this manner, they managed to contain the infestation to within a few floors of the laboratory.
Just as they were setting out to begin clearing the banquet hall, the Doc threw up her hands,
“Oh! Wait a second! I’ve got something else for you.” She ducked into a small room off the main lab.
The women grinned at each other. So far, Doctor Andromedus had proven manically enthusiastic about her work. Even though she was reinforcing stereotypes regarding eccentric scientists, she was never boring.
The dark-haired doctor came back holding a satchel in one hand and a sort of electronic canister in the other.
“I whipped these up this morning. Might be a bit of a time saver for you. She handed Evie the cylinder.”
It was about the size of a can of condensed soup, with a red switch on the side.
“These contain a concentrated amount of Neutralizer in a compact space. When you flip the switch, it will arm itself in ten seconds…”
“Arm itself?” Dell interrupted. Evie shushed her, full of curiosity.
“Yes. After ten seconds, the trigger is photo-sensitive. The idea being, you turn off the lights,
place one in the middle of a room, hit the switch, then leave and turn the lights back on. Bang. The canister pops and unleashes several gallons of pressurized Neutralizer. For quickly spraying down densely overgrown rooms. Kind of like a bug-bomb.
“I feel bad. Because this is all sort of my fault. There are half a dozen canisters in the bag. Anyway, good luck!”
Evie shouldered the bag, smiling.
“These sound great. We’ll be sure to let you know how they work.”
The elevator up to level 165 was cramped, due to the addition of the suits and AACE.
“So how about the Doc, eh?”
“Yeah. Seriously. I’m surprised this is the first time they’ve had a major incident with her working here.”
The elevator pinged and the doors spread.
“Time to get to work.”
*****
The first hour or so passed uneventfully. The girls quickly learned that it was important to use a light touch with the moss pods.
Their sprayer nozzles were originally set to fire a jet of Neutralizer which much too powerful. The
stream of goo was powerful enough to make even the small pods burst, spraying custard everywhere. Once they dialed down the pressure, they were able to saturate the moss without exploding the pods. AACE went about his business with silent professionalism, mopping up the aftermath of their labors.
After it had been soaked in the Neutralizer, the moss was fairly easy to remove. The lavender tufts wilted into a sort of dark purple sludge and the custard pods melted into a watery yellow soup. AACE made short work of the resulting mess.
Before long both Dell and Evie ran out of goop and had to go back to the lab to refill. While Evie was refilling her tank, Jane came out of the elevator. She’d dried off since the conference room and had successfully avoided any more custard.
“I’ve just been to the banquet hall; you’re doing an excellent job. We’re so grateful. Is there anything you need? I think we’ll be ordering lunch soon, can we get you anything?”
Before they could answer, Jane had moved off down the hall. She came back with a pair of women in tow.
“This is Verah and Ridge. They’re the receptionists for this floor and they’ll be handling the lunch orders. Ok, I have to run! Keep up the good work!”
Evie and Dell were left with the receptionists. One was rather tall and the other rather short.
The shorter woman had blonde hair with bangs, done up in a bun. She wore a blue dress belted at the waist. Attractive, but plain, there was nothing wrong with her looks but nothing particularly striking either.
The taller woman was nothing but striking. Flawlessly statuesque, she was somehow lithe and shapely at the same time. She wore a black pencil skirt and a cream colored blouse with brown leather heels. Her hair, cut in a bob that curled up at the ends, was a greenish shade of turquoise. In her eyes, there was something immediately identifiable as predatory, a catlike glimmer.
The small blonde woman spoke first, her voice just a tad too perky to be sincere.
“You must be the new janitors. Well, what would you like for lunch? We usually order from restaurants around here, but I’m sure someone could stop at a food truck or something, if that’s what you’re more comfortable with…”
Dell’s eyes narrowed, and Evie’s mouth opened slightly, a reply forming. But before she let it loose, the gorgeous woman spoke up.
“Hey, Verah, that’s not nice! They aren’t janitors.” She eyed Dell’s protective suit coolly, “They’re waste management specialists. So more like garbage collectors…”
“I don’t know Ridge, garbage collectors work outside, I’m pretty sure they’re called janitors when they’re inside.” Both women were smirking now.
“I guess you’re right. So,” Ridge said, turning to Evie, “what do slutty janitors eat for lunch?”
Evie shrugged, “Oh, pretty much the same thing as office skanks… Except we usually order it without the ‘bitchy hostility,’ and we get the ‘swollen sense of superiority’ on the side.”
Beside her, Dell grinned, “But don’t worry, we brought lunch today. If we need you to fetch anything, we’ll be sure to let you know.”
Verah shot her a venomous glare. Ridge sniffed and turned to leave, “Good. We’ll try not to spill anything. Wouldn’t want to make your jobs harder, now would we?”
Dell squeezed the trigger on her nozzle. A small burst of clear slime arced through the air and struck Ridge in the middle of her pert ass.
“Oh, sorry! I’m so clumsy!”
Ridge gasped, and stared daggers at them over her shoulder. Dell made a show of looking at her nozzle with mock surprise. Evie made a poor effort to conceal her laughter.
Ridge scraped the Neutralizer off her butt, while she and Verah walked quickly down the hall.
*****
They finished clearing the moss and custard from the banquet hall after another hour’s work, leaving plenty of time to get it decked out for the reception later on. They switched their focus to level 163, where the Doc’s lab was located.
They began clearing the moss in the office section of the floor. Soon, they reached the area where their new friends Ridge and Verah worked, which was rather packed with moss.
Fortunately, all four women were content to ignore each other. Once they had completed the main lobby, Evie and Dell split up to tackle some of the smaller offices, closets, and halls.
While Dell was working on a particularly overgrown conference room, Evie paused to refill her tank. She removed her suit and took a quick break. She managed to track down some weak instant coffee in a moss-free break room. By the time she returned, her suit’s tank was full.
Evie stepped into her suit all at once, zipping it up. Suddenly, she noticed the squishiness. She could feel something cool and wet soaking through her jeans and seeping into her boots. Whatever it was, it was also in the arms of the suit; it was clammy on her fingers and made her shirt sticky. She worked her left arm free of the heavy sleeve. It was coated in custard.
Someone had filled the limbs of her suit while she’d been away! Evie shuddered. The slippery synthetic dessert was clinging to her skin, repelled by the water-proof material of the suit.
This reeked of the sort of prank Dell would pull. Well, they were moving along ahead of schedule, if she wanted to play games, Evie would be happy to oblige… Whereas Dell usually went for sly, tricky pranks, Evie had a taste for more direct mayhem.
The custard in her boots sloshed around as she went looking for AACE. She found him mopping up a hallway and called him over.
Evie reached down and keyed a few commands on his access panel. A hatch popped open and she carefully removed his reservoir of waste-water. The used cleaning water was a dirty brownish purple. AACE beeped softly in protest, as the removal of his reservoir impeded his work. Evie popped the lid off the reservoir and held a finger to her full lips. She crept away on her toes, over to the room Dell was clearing.
Sneaking in slowly and silently, Evie slunk right behind Dell, whose back was turned away from the door.
Dell was crouched down, having just finished saturating an especially thick patch of moss with Neutralizer. She was just beginning to wonder how her partner was coming along, when Evie tapped her on the shoulder. Dell turned. Evie was smiling just a little too innocently. She just about to ask her flame-haired friend what she was doing with AACE’s waste-water tank, when Evie tipped it over her head.
Evie poured it slowly. The filthy water splashed over her head. Dell gasped, not because the water was cold, but out of raw surprise. There were about five liters of recycled water in the reservoir, and Evie held it upside down until every drop had been emptied on Dell’s head. Her shiny, dark blue hair was sopping wet and clung to her face.
Evie smiled serenely and set the empty tank on the floor.
“What the hell! Why’d you do that?” Dell sputtered.
“Hmm, I don’t know… I’m sure you have no idea.”
Dell clamored to her feet. She used the inside elbow of her suit to crudely push the soaked hair out of her eyes. Oh, this was just like Evie. She gets bored and has to cause trouble for some excitement. Fine. She wants to be entertained?
In one smooth motion Dell bent down, scooped up a big blob of dark-purple moss sludge in her gloved hand, and smeared it across Evie’s smiling face.
Some of the sludge stuck in the hair above her ear and a big gobbet hung from her chin. Behind the purple mask of muck Evie blinked rapidly. She shook her head violently, trying to dislodge the gunk. When she stopped, her eyes were blazing.
Dell blew some drops of water off her nose and smirked, “And I’m sure you have no idea why I did that…”
Evie cocked her head to the side, and Dell thought she could see here eyebrows arching underneath the sludge. A second later, Evie’s right arm flashed, and she had shoved the nozzle of her sprayer in to the gaping collar of Dell’s suit.
“No. You wouldn’t…”
But she did. Evie pumped a thick stream of Neutralizer into her suit. Dell let out a small shriek as the muculent ooze surged into her clothing. Her skin crawled. The close confines of the suit pressed the goop in. She felt a dollop of Neutralizer roll down her stomach.
After thirty second, Evie withdrew her nozzle. She shrugged, and began unzipping her suit. The suit fell to the floor and she stepped out of it. Evie started using her shirttails to wipe her face. Dell noticed, absently, that for some reason Evie’s arms and legs were covered with custard.
Bent over wiping her face, Evie paused to watch her friend squirm in her slime-filled suit. She laughed, “Ok, now we’re even.”
“Almost. Let’s fix that.” Dell had noticed a patch of moss on the ceiling, almost right above where Evie stood. This moss featured three large, swollen pods. She adjusted the power on her sprayer and pointed it at the pods.
Her partner noticed her movement, but hadn’t noticed the moss on the ceiling. Dell fired a short, stiff jet of goo at the pods. All three burst at the same time.
Evie was still bent double, daubing the last of the sludge from her forehead, when the heap of custard crashed down upon her. Sweet synthetic glop splattered all over her butt, back, and shoulders, covering the back of her head. She sprang up, ramrod straight, with a shriek of her own. Pale yellow custard slid off her backside in a sheet, spattering her legs and boots. Her face was a puckered pout as she probed her hair and shirt, feeling the full extent of the damage.
During all this, Dell was chuckling while she too stepped out of her sticky suit. Neutralizer had saturated her shirt and jeans, but the sight of Evie, half coated in custard made up for it. Dell used both hands to wipe her hair straight back, not caring that she was adding a bit of clear goop to the dripping mess.
The custard was dense and sticky; as Evie scraped it off her back, it was tough to then get it off her hands. And Dell was over there laughing her ass off. At first she had been pissed, but the humor of the situation was contagious. Dell looked ridiculous as well, soaked and covered in shiny slime. Evie began laughing too.
Dell shook some Neutralizer out of her bra, “Are you happy now? We both look like complete fools.”
Evie looked at her strangely, still smiling, “What do you mean? It was your dumb joke that started it!”
Dell suddenly looked confused. They both stopped laughing. That was when they heard the other laughter, coming from the doorway.
Ridge and Verah stood there. They wore matching satisfied smiles.
When Ridge spoke, her tone was patronizing and dripped with artificial sweetness, “Uh-oh. You seem to have had a bit of an accident… Looks like you’ve made the mess in here worse. You’re not very good janitors are you?” Both women left, their laughter trailing down the hall.
Evie had already realized that it had been those two who had put the custard in her suit, but Dell was still in completely in the dark. She quickly explained how they had been tricked. By the time she had finished, they were both fuming.
“Those massive bitches…”
“Don’t worry about it now. Let’s just get cleaned up. They’ll get what’s coming to them, and soon.”
*****
If Jane was surprised, when Dell and Evie came to her covered in slime and sludge and custard, she hid it well. Perhaps, due to her own experiences earlier in the day, she was feeling extra sympathetic. Jane directed them to the executive bathrooms, where they had been able to clean up and dry off. A robotic attendant had even laundered their clothes while they bathed.
They combined washing up with lunch, and felt fresh and renewed once they were ready to get back to work. By now, most of the biggest patches of moss were gone, so they decided to leave the clunky suits behind and proceed with hand-held sprayer units. The smaller sprayer wands offered more precision, which made up for the smaller capacity on their wheeled tanks. They continued much as they had been doing, each working on her own problem areas; even occasionally helping AACE with the mopping up. Although pride and professionalism kept them on task, Evie and Dell were also eagerly plotting revenge.
After a while, at around half past four, Dell was working in Doctor Andromedus’ lab with AACE. They had about finished removing all the uncontrolled moss. Just then, the Doc herself walked in. She smiled and waved at AACE.
“Hey, Ms Lanning, your partner asked me to come get you. She’s out in the lobby with Jane. Do you have a minute?”
“Sure thing,” Dell said, following her towards the lobby area. Actually, she’d been meaning to track down Evie herself. She had stumbled on an opportunity for vengeance and wanted to tell Evie about her scheme.
The lobby of level 163 was a big open room where several hallways led off in a variety of directions. Jane and Evie were standing near the elevators. Ridge and Verah, sitting at their reception desks, were pretending they weren’t there.
Evie had tied a long strip of rag around her head, to keep her hair back, knotting it in a bow on top. She was chatting jovially with Jane.
“Oh there she is. Dell, I was just telling Jane here how well things are going.”
“You progress really has been wonderful. You’ve really saved us today.”
“Honestly, you should thank the Doc. Her magic goo has been doing most of the work.”
Jane and the Doctor both smiled. Dell thought she saw Ridge steal an icy glare at them, but she wouldn’t be able to say anything catty in front of Jane, avatar of the company president.
“Well, whoever is responsible, Ms Nexa is quite pleased. Is there anything I can get you while I’m here?”
Mischief glinted in Evie’s eyes.
“Actually, now that you mention it, we were just talking about how parched we are, right Dell? Think we could trouble you for a bottle of water?”
“Absolutely! I’ll be right back.”
Evie stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, “You know, I remember seeing some in that storage closet over there,” She pointed to a plain looking door on the other side of the room.
“Hey Ridge, would you be a dear and grab a few bottles for us?”
Ridge looked up with an unbelievably false smile. Yet she didn’t have choice with Jane watching.
“Of course!” Her tone was enthusiastic, but she moved very slowly.
The Doc was speaking to Jane, “It’s nothing to panic over, but I’m missing a sample of my modified SPER moss. It won’t replicate on its own, but could still be inconvenient if it sprouts in the wrong place…”
While the others were occupied, Dell whispered to Evie.
“Hey, so I’ve set up a special little surprise for our friends.”
Grinning from ear to ear, Evie stared at her, “Wait, you did? Because I did too…”
Right then, Ridge reached the storage closet. She pressed the button and the door slid open. Then she froze.
“Oh my…”
Everyone seemed to look at the same time, but only Evie was at all prepared for what they saw.
Inside the closet, stretching from the ceiling to the moss coated floor, was the largest pod any of them had ever seen. It was massive, more than two meters tall and at least one across. The bulging pod was bright red, with huge grey spots; it barely fit into the confines of the closet.
Verah screamed. The high-pitched cry was more than enough to set off the ultra-sensitive super-pod. It burst with a loud bang.
Thin, lumpy SPER gruel blasted everywhere. Still seated over at her desk, Verah was struck in the side of the head, ending up with a mouthful of the emergency food. A particularly large globule hit the Doc in the forehead, splattering over her glasses and the top half of her face. Ironically, Jane was standing with her right side facing away from the closet, so in the exact inverse of earlier, it was her left side that got spattered with a hail of grey muck.
Dell ended up rather lucky, as she was standing somewhat behind Evie; her pants were flecked with gruel, but not much else. Even as she was being peppered all over her front by fat grey drops, Evie was smiling. Because, despite the enormity of the sloppy explosion, no one got it worse than Ridge.
The moment was so bizarre, so surreal, that Ridge had been rooted in place. She was not so much caught in the explosion as engulfed by it. The bulk of the SPER gunk inside the pod was not blown across the room; it stayed in a giant towering mass for a moment, then collapsed all over the closet. And Ridge, standing stunned in the doorway, met it head-on. The grey wave toppled over her, spilling out into the lobby.
Unsteadily, she backed away from the closet stammering plaintively. Her blue-green hair was uniformly grey beneath the gruel, and her face was a featureless stretch of drips and lumps and glop. From top to bottom, she wore a layer of the runny mess.
Ridge slowly wobbled toward everyone else, her hands splayed stiffly at her sides, tracking a trail of dribbling gruel as she went.
Evie was barely keeping it together. Somehow she managed not to fall to pieces laughing. If there was any doubt left in Dell’s mind that Evie had placed the SPER seeds in the closet, this uncustomary composure would have erased it. For her own part, Dell was biting down on a massive grin which kept threatening to bloom on her face.
Verah, loyal to her friend, leapt up, “Oh! What the… I… Oh, I have some wipes!”
She pulled open the drawer on her desk, then stared at the contents, a befuddled expression coming over her. Then there was a loud pop. For a split-second, Neutralizer spewed out of the drawer like a geyser. The colorless goop shot straight up in the air, showering Verah in the process. The slime mixed with the gruel on her face and glued her dress to her body. Neutralize goo fell, from where it hit the ceiling, in thick drops on top of her already slimy head. She squeaked indignantly, her hands fluttering uselessly near her face.
Evie, spotted with gruel, glanced back at Dell, raising an eyebrow. Dell just shrugged, because if she did anything else, she wouldn’t be able to hold back her triumphant delight.
Doctor Andromedus, still wiping the gruel from her glasses, was beaming.
“Well, I’m not sure why you had one in your desk, but I’m quite pleased my Neutralizer bombs
work so splendidly!”
Jane gave the scientist a blank stare.
“Ok. Doctor, could you please take Verah and Ridge up to the executive bathrooms? You three can get cleaned up there.”
Once they had left, the other two each standing at Ridge’s shoulder to keep her from slipping, Jane turned her attention to Evie and Dell.
“You two had better come with me. You can wash up in the locker room outside the gym. I get the feeling it would be best to keep you separate from Verah and Ridge…”
As they followed Jane, Dell was feeling slightly chagrined, her triumph fading.
“Ah, Jane, about what happened back there… I think maybe we should explain…”
Jane looked at Dell, a smile playing at her lips, “No, I actually don’t think you have to. It’s fairly common knowledge around here that those two can be arrogant pains-in-the-ass. If you guys set them straight, I’m sure it’s none of my business. As far as the mess goes, I’ll chalk it up to friendly fire.”
Evie put an arm around Jane’s shoulder, “That’s a very understanding way of looking at things. We owe you one.”
Jane laughed, “I suppose I do understand. The impulse at least. I’ve been in that sort of situation, I only wish I had the guts to handle it like you two. The look on Ridge’s face was absolutely priceless.”
They reached the locker rooms.
“You could see her face?” Evie said.
All three women laughed and Jane left them to clean up.
*****
The locker room wasn’t nearly as fancy as the executive bathrooms, but it did the trick. They had just finished getting dressed when Jane came back.
“Hey. Ms Nexa wanted me to tell you again how grateful we are for you work today. Preparations for the reception tonight would’ve been impossible without you.
“In fact, she is so appreciative, that she wanted me to invite you to stay for the party.”
“Oh, that’s very generous,” Dell said, “but we don’t even really work for NPH. We’d just be out of place and taking up space…”
“To be completely honest, that’s kind of the idea. You see, with the… issues we’ve had lately, and having to push the reception back, most of the staff that would have attended tonight already went home. You wouldn’t have to sit through the presentations or anything, but you’d fill-out our numbers at dinner a little bit. Plus, it’s a free meal.”
“Of course… I mean, we’re honored, but,” Dell looked down at her uniform shirt, “we don’t have anything to wear…”
“Well, actually we do.” Dell looked at Evie, who was grinning. She could feel her chances of getting out of this dinner evaporating.
“What do you mean?” Dell said.
“You know me. I’m always prepared for a party! We’ve each got a change of clothes packed in the van.”
“Perfect! Then I’ll leave you to get dressed. I’ll send someone down for you when it’s time for dinner. Thanks again!” Jane wisely hurried out, before Dell could come up with an excuse.
Evie stared down her partner’s glare, “Oh come on! I’m sure it will be loads of fun. It’s not like things could get more out-of-hand today anyhow…”
*****
She felt foolish. This was pretty much exactly what she had been afraid of. When Evie said she had clothes in the van appropriate for a party, she didn’t exactly mean this party. A semi-formal corporate business reception is not what Evie had in mind when she packed these emergency outfits.
Dell was wearing a pair of tight, dark red, synthetic-leather pants and a loose fitting, shimmering silver blouse which hung off her left shoulder. It would have been fine for a club or a house-party, but for this? Dell felt supremely awkward.
Her only consolation was that Evie was in the same boat. Not that she seemed to notice. Evie wore a short, sleeveless chartreuse dress. It just barely reached her knees and was made of some formfitting mock-snakeskin. She’d used a can of something from the van to put her hair up. It was piled up, with the ends fixed in a few pale pointed bunches; it looked like fox tails fanning out in an arc behind her head. Evie approached dressing inappropriately for parties with her trademark confidence. Maybe it wasn’t ideal, but she knew she looked good.
When they arrived at the banquet hall, they were directed to the big round table which had been set up in the center of the room. The table was set lavishly, all sterling silver and etched china.
The centerpiece was a mass of strange, colorful flowers Evie didn’t recognize. Soft music was bubbling through the hall from hidden speakers. It sounded exotic, born of instruments Dell couldn’t fathom; she assumed it was Neptunian.
The room was empty, except for Doctor Andromedus and a number of robotic waiters, who flitted about on silent wheels, adjusting place-settings and preparing for the meal.
The Doc was dressed in a long off-white gown, which she appeared to find uncomfortable. Her long black hair hung straight and loose down her back. It was apparent that the doctor found this whole production to be an ordeal. She gave them a weak smile.
“So you’re stuck here too? Well, I like your dress.”
Though she wasn’t certain whether the odd doctor was being sincere or poking fun, Evie opted to take the compliment at face value. She was about to improvise some sort of polite reply, when Jane entered in a flurry.
Jane was wearing a salmon colored dress with diagonal black stripes and her brunette waves were up in a simple chignon. She was tapping at a datapad while she walked in. She blew a long sigh and handed the datapad to a waiter. Sagging into a chair, she noticed the other women for the first time.
“We did it. Somehow, we managed to pull it off. Everything is going fine so far. All that’s left is the dinner.”
Jane eyed Evie and Dell. If they weren’t quite up to dress-code, she didn’t let on. Dell was slightly relieved, but now she worried the judgment would come when their backs were turned.
“If you guys want to grab a seat, Nora and the delegation will be here any minute now. We’re actually only waiting on a couple more people… They should be here by now.”
Right on time, the last two presentable employees in the building showed up. They were also the last two people Dell and Evie wanted to see.
Ridge and Verah were not only cleaned up, but had also spent considerable time primping and preening. Verah’s hair was down, sleek and shiny, and she wore a bright purple gown with ruffles at the shoulders. Ridge, even Evie had to begrudgingly admit, looked fantastic. She’d slid into a slinky gold cocktail dress which laced up her bare back. Her turquoise hair was curled slightly at the ends. Her svelte body glittered as she gracefully approached the table.
Jane met their incredulous eyes, wrinkling her nose apologetically. Luckily neither Ridge nor Verah noticed the exchange. However, they did notice Evie and Dell, and their clothing. Ridge let out a soft derisive snort and Verah put a hand over her mouth.
All four women put on icy smiles and sat down, each pair on either side of Doctor Andromedus, who was unaware she was now acting as a buffer. Jane took the seat to Evie’s left, which left five remaining seats between her, and Ridge on the other side.
There was a minute of awkward silence before the doors hissed open and the guests of honor entered. Nora Nexa was at the head of the group, looking much the same as she had earlier. She’d touched up her hair and make-up, but her clothes and confidence hadn’t changed. She was laughing and explaining something to the woman beside her. Dell didn’t recognize this woman, and she was pretty sure she would have remembered her. The woman was very slender, delicate seeming, and very tan. She was wearing a flattering pale blue satin dress and had pin-straight silver hair cascading around her shoulders. The young woman had a demure, fluid grace that made Dell believe she was quite comfortable with this sort of situation. The other new arrivals were harder to read, most likely because all three were Neptunian.
The residents of Neptune live their entire lives under water, so for excursions to drier climates, they needed special equipment. Each Neptunian was entirely enclosed within a shiny metal suit. The suits were big and cylindrical, with stumpy robotic legs and flexible arms ending with three-fingered “hands;” all manipulated from within the suit. The top of the chrome cylinder was a bubble of some special glass. The Neptunian business officials were visible within the water-filled suits. They were humanoid, with smooth grayish-blue skin, wide mouths, and large eyes. Gills pumped slowly on their necks and long barbels, stretching off their chins, swayed lightly. To aid in rudimentary communication, each suit bore a rectangular LED panel in the middle of the chest. This panel, connected to the suit’s Neptunian interface, displayed simple emoticons, in accordance with the occupant’s instruction. All three panels currently showed glowing red smiley faces.
The Neptunians and the women joined the rest of them at the table. Nora sat to the left of Jane and invited the eldest of the Neptunians to sit next to her; or, at least the Neptunian who Evie thought looked oldest. The stylish silver-haired woman sat on the other side of the senior Neptunian, and the other two filled the remaining seats.
Nora faced the rest of the table, spreading her arms wide, “Thank you, all of you, for joining us for what is certain to be a delicious meal on this momentous occasion. It is my absolute pleasure to introduce you to our honored guests from the planet Neptune. I am also delighted to report that Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings will be entering into mutually rewarding partnership the business interests our visitors represent. Please, join me in a round of applause.”
While everyone was clapping, the silver-haired woman leaned close and said something to each of the Neptunians, who bobbed their heads inside the domes. They also made clumsy attempts to clap the metal hands on of their suits, which Evie found quite charming.
When the applause wound down, Nora continued, “Before we begin, I’d like to introduce Ms Zephyr,” she gestured to the woman sitting between the Neptunians.
“She is the translator for our guests, as well as their aide while on Earth. I will let her perform the individual introductions.”
Ms Zephyr stood up and proceeded to introduce each member of the delegation. He voice was silky, and she seemed to be quite proficient as a translator. The Neptunian language was low and glottal, full of clicks and whistles. Though everyone paid rapt attention, Dell doubted that any of them were capable of pronouncing the Neptunian’s names, much less remembering them. Assuming the length of his introduction was a valid indicator, the Neptunian seated next to Nora was indeed the leader of the group.
When Ms Zephyr had taken her seat, Nora snapped her fingers. A pair of waiters with silver trays glided over, distributing flutes of champagne. Nora led them in a toast, in which the Neptunians took part using long straws from tiny hatches in their suits. After the toast, waiters appeared with trays of food, placing them on the table.
“Tonight,” Nora explained, “we will be enjoying a variety of dishes from Neptune, as well as some of our guests’ favorite Earth dishes.”
Naturally, tureens of NHP synthetic custard were featured prominently. There were also a couple large platters of spaghetti and tomato sauce, and several bowls of steaming Brussels sprouts. Dell recalled hearing somewhere that all of Neptune was strictly vegetarian. Which was comforting, because she had no idea what any of the other dishes contained.
Lots of black egg-shaped things were stacked in little pyramids; they were shiny and looked soft. Big bowls contained a sort of heavy looking dark green puree. Split in half on trays, there were these leathery brown melons, however, the inside of the melon-things was vivid blue, and full of thick sweet-smelling blue syrup. Lastly, the waiters set down a large number of round tins filled with fluffy, creamy looking stuff the color of ripe avocado and topped with a few dollops of something blue.
As they began to eat, Dell was wary. She’d never much been one for foreign foods. She played it safe and took some spaghetti and sprouts. Dell glanced at Evie’s plate, which was piled with that green paste, a couple black egg-things, and some custard drizzled with the blue syrup. Evie shrugged and smiled.
“I mean, when in Rome… Come on, at least try something new.”
Dell spooned one of the black spheres onto her plate, but when she stuck her fork in it, an inky juice leaked everywhere and it shriveled up. Embarrassed, she watched one of the Neptunians spear an egg-thing with his straw and slurp it dry. She decided to stick to food she knew how to eat.
Just then, Ridge spilled her champagne on the floor, coincidentally right as waiter was passing by carrying more Brussels sprouts. The robotic waiter faltered, slipping on the wet patch. It struggled valiantly to stay up, but succumbed to gravity and sprawled across the floor a few feet away, its tray clattering loudly. As the robot struggled to stand, the other waiters zipped over to clean up the accident. Everyone was distracted, and turned to watch the source of the commotion. Everyone except Ridge and Verah.
The receptionists took full advantage of the distraction. Ridge snatched up a handful of black plant eggs and Verah grabbed the serving spoon from a container of custard. Quickly, before anyone noticed, they both launched a salvo at their rivals.
Evie gasped when the eggs collided with her chest. They ruptured, covering her chest and neck with their slippery black juice. The contents of the plant eggs dripped into her cleavage and down her dress.
The hefty spoonful of custard, whipped accurately by Verah, hit Dell in the face. Without warning, the yellow mess was going up her nose and splattering her forehead. The dessert mangled her hair, causing it to sag heavily across her face.
“Oh! Oh my!” Jane had turned back, and noticed Dell and Evie. Then everyone was staring at them. Ridge and Verah were trying hard to look as shocked as everyone else. Two of the Neptunians’ communication panels now flashed exclamation points, the other a question mark.
Nora turned to her guests, committed to playing down whatever had happened, “Ah, well, accidents happen! Of course, I’m sure there are clumsy people on Neptune, right?” She gave Ms Zephyr an impelling look, encouraging her to translate. Jane was speaking rapidly, probably saying something calming, though no one was listening.
Evie handed Dell a napkin, as she currently couldn’t see due to the faceful of dripping custard. Once she’d cleared her eyes, the women looked at each other.
“Well damn,” Evie said.
“You know what?” Dell said.
“No. What?”
“I’m awfully glad we don’t really work here. Because I’m pretty sure we’d be fired.”
In reply, Evie grinned and scooped up a mound of spaghetti. She flung it at Ridge, in full view of the whole party. Ridge was still smiling smugly when the well-sauced pasta struck the bottom half of her face. Specks of tomato sauce flew everywhere and the mass of slippery noodles slid down her dress.
For her part, Dell picked up one of the brown melon-type fruits. She leaned rudely across Doctor Andromedus and placed the halved-melon upside down on Verah’s head. The honey-thick blue syrup oozed slowly down her face and hair. Her jaw dropped, ready to shriek, but it filled with syrup, cutting off the cry.
The room was entirely still for a moment. Then everyone started shouting and moving at once; except Ms Zephyr, who immediately dove under the table. Evie and Dell didn’t hear much of what was being shouted, because they were in the middle of an all-out war.
Verah threw aside the half melon and tossed her syrupy blonde hair over her shoulder, her sticky bangs stuck out at wild angles. She hefted a platter of spaghetti and stood up, moving to get back at Dell. She was intercepted, however, when Evie chucked the contents of her own plate. The mix of half-eaten food hit her in the face, and she flinched, dropping the platter. Unfortunately for Doctor Andromedus, Verah was looming right over her when she dropped the spaghetti. The load of bright red sauce and thin pasta plopped on top of her head. It tangled into her long black hair and spattered all over her pale dress. Her glasses were knocked off in the accidental bombardment, landing in the puddle of tomato sauce forming on her lap.
The sight of the Doc, dressed in sauce with noodles dangling from her ears and nose, amused Evie greatly. So much so, that she didn’t notice Ridge creep up behind her. Ridge was holding two of the creamy green pies, which she smashed on either side of Evie’s head like cymbals. The fluffy avocado-colored stuff was actually goopy and very sweet, Evie realized, as the green cream exploded around her head. The cream clotted her fiery hair and clung to the fox-tail bunches, so that when the tins fell away, all but the middle bunches drooped.
Ridge had just enough time to chuckle victoriously. Before she knew what was happening, Dell slid a leg between her own and deftly tripped her. She caught Ridge with an arm around her chest, keeping her from crashing into the table. Instead, she shifted her momentum and, grabbing a handful of her short turquoise hair, dunked her into one of the big tureens of custard.
Dell released her and Ridge pulled out of the custard, spitting yellow. The front part of her head, including the whole of her face, was glazed in canary yellow glop. She staggered backward, wiping her face and slicking back her hair with both hands. Ironically, she slipped on someone’s spilt champagne and landed on her butt.
Lacking her glasses, the spaghetti clad doctor was hurling black eggs somewhat indiscriminately. She’d narrowly missed one of the Neptunians and managed to nail Verah a couple of times in the back. Groping almost blindly, she reached out, felt Dell, and proceeded to crush a half dozen of the little black plant pods on the top of her head. Through the streaks of green cream, Evie watched the inky payload spread over her friend’s head, saturating her hair and dribbling everywhere. She couldn’t contain her laughter. Dell responded by dumping a bowl of dark-green paste down Evie’s dress.
After that, it was outright chaos. All five women were throwing food at whoever was nearby. Their side of the table looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. The robotic waiters, carrying mops and buckets, were lurking patiently just outside the fray. Their pragmatic programming telling them to wait until the mess finished happening to begin cleaning up.
Jane, beside herself with panic and embarrassment, had a close call, barely ducking a glob of airborne custard. That was her last straw. Leaping up, she grabbed two silver platters and banged them together loudly.
The food finally stopped flying and the mad melee came to a halt. All of the participants were utterly coated in colorful slop. Bits of food stuck to faces and hair and clothes; sauces, syrups, creams, and custard were dripping everywhere. Jane marched into the middle of the battlefield.
“Well I hope you’re pleased with yourselves! You’re silly feuds have completely ruined everything!”
Jane carried on chastising them, much in the same vein. Not that anyone was paying her much attention. Dell was busy picking spaghetti out of her bra. Doctor Andromedus had pulled her hair around over her shoulder, and was trying to wring out the matted mess. Verah was sitting on the floor in a large puddle of custard, licking it off her fingers. Evie managed to compact her sodden hair, squeezing it into a soggy clump behind her head. Entirely by accident, she made eye-contact with Ridge; Evie knew it was Ridge, because of her height, and the little glimmer of gold showing through the caked-on foodstuffs.
Ridge was rolling her eyes, but when she saw Evie looking over, she gave her a tiny grin. Evie returned it, and then glanced meaningfully at Jane, then back to Ridge. Ridge nodded, very subtlety. Both women began covertly scraping up handfuls of mushy food.
Oddly enough, however, it was the Doc who got fed up with the lecture first. She tossed a double handful of mixed glop at Jane mid-sentence.
“Ah! No! Not again…” Her plea for mercy was buried underneath a volley of slops.
Dell and Verah caught on immediately, and soon Jane was being pelted from all sides. The beleaguered assistant threw up her arms, trying ineffectively to shield herself from the onslaught. Projectile food showered Jane like a pop-up squall, spotting and smudging every inch of her dress. At some point in the slimy, mushy storm, her hair was knocked loose. Covered in squishy muck, her wavy brown hair hung lank over the left side of her face. Evie added the finishing touches, hosing Jane down thoroughly with a well-shaken bottle of champagne, lifted from a naïve waiter.
Drenched in champagne and blotted with food, Jane sighed and let her arms flop to her sides.
Evie walked over, patting her on the shoulder, “Sorry Janey! Things may have gotten a bit out hand… But you know what they say: in for a penny, in for a pound.”
Laughter echoed from across the room. They both turned, to see Nora nearly fall out of her chair laughing. The president of NPH planted her hands on the table to steady herself, still cracking up.
“Oh Jane! They got you good! That’s what, the third time today? Truly, you have the worst luck I’ve ever seen.”
A small smile blossomed on Jane’s face. Very calmly, she returned to her seat, next to where her boss was still laughing riotously at her expense. Nora dabbed her eyes with a napkin, finally reigning in her giddy amusement.
“Alright. Alright. That’s enough of that. Now let’s see if we can’t salvage this fiasco…”
When she got back to her place, Jane didn’t sit down. Instead, she very casually lifted a very large blue and green Neptunian pie off the table. If Nora had any clue what was coming next, it dawned on her only at the last possible second. Her mouth went slack and her jade-colored eyes opened wide.
Jane shoved the colorful pie into her boss’ face. She pushed it in firmly, causing creamy green filling to squelch out the sides of the tin. Nora didn’t move a muscle, completely stunned. But Jane wasn’t finished. Keeping the pie pressed on tight, she slid it up and over Nora’s head, onto the top of her carefully styled hair. Jane squished it down, twisting the tin and mashing green creamy into Nora’s shiny golden waves.
She lifted the tin from her boss’ gooey head and tossed it aside. Grinning broadly, Jane took her seat. Once she was sitting, laughter bubbled up inside her. It was contagious and the whole table joined in.
“Oh dear. I’ve got to admit, that was very satisfying. And look on the bright side, at least it goes with your eyes.”
Nora turned to face her assistant, flicking cream from her eyes.
“Jane. I am extremely disappointed. I can’t believe you didn’t use our custard…” Nora smiled wryly and the whole table started laughing again.
Once the manic energy of the last few minutes started to wear off, they all simultaneously remembered the Neptunian delegation was still sitting there, and had witnessed everything. Inside their reverse-scuba suits, all three had wrinkled brows and bulging eyes; anyone could see that they were completely lost. Glowing red question marks flashed urgently on each of their chest panels.
Nora lightly tapped Ms Zephyr, who was still taking cover under the table.
“Uh, I think we’re through up here. It’s safe to come out.”
The pixie-like translator warily sat back down. Everyone around her was splattered and covered in food. It rather defied her language skills to explain.
“Do you think you could try and talk our guests through what’s happened? Perhaps we can call this one a bust and start fresh tomorrow?”
Ms Zephyr stared at the president of Novex Pharmaceutical Holdings, slathered in green and blue-streaked cream.
“Well… Eh, I can try.”
Evie had absolutely no conception of the languages of Neptune or how they worked, however even she could see that the explanation was not proceeding well. Ms Zephyr would speak haltingly for bit, and then the Neptunians would unleash short bursts in reply all at once. To Evie, it had the general shape of a question-and-answer session where the answers weren’t adding up.
Then one of the Neptunians turned to the others, his flashing question mark turning into an exclamation point. He spoke for a stretch, causing the other two to bob their heads. Whatever he said seemed to distress Ms Zephyr, because she held up her hands and tried to interrupt.
The tone of the conversation changed. Ms Zephyr became increasingly nervous and agitated, her voice growing higher and faster. Now it was the Neptunians making longer statements, which she aggressively fended off with quick retorts.
The senior Neptunian stood up. He clacked the metal fingers on his suit, calling his delegation to order. He said something briefly; something Ms Zephyr clearly did not want to hear. Her shoulders sagged. The leader of the Neptunians very deliberately picked up a big bowl of the dark green mush, and dumped it over his translator’s head.
Green puree splashed down covering her head and shoulders. The dark muck plastered her silver hair flat and drizzled over her face. Resigned to the mess, she dropped her head forward, sloughing off a pile of green gunk into her lap. Tucking her newly-colored hair behind her ears, she wiped her face, leaving lines of tan skin visible under the green.
In unison, the Neptunians’ chest panels flashed smiley faces. Dell led the table in a round of applause. The robotic waiters scurried over, distributing towels. Nora was gleefully chatting with the Neptunians while the sodden Ms Zephyr translated.
Evie turned to her partner, both of them barely recognizable under a slowly crusting layer of slimy food.
“You know, I have to take back what I said this morning. Nothing about today has been the least bit boring…”
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I saw the apparatus being wheeled out I thought, meh, I bet it’s flour in those balloons. But no, it’s white paint, and pretty decent it is too.
At some point I mean to resurrect the Wammers Under The Bed series, and it’s becoming increasingly likely that Myleene Klass will feature in it. Here is she getting wet on a Lloyd Webber tribute show. What a beautiful woman!
to Roy L. Pudding for the find. Anchorwoman Cassandra Lazenby loses a bet over her “brackets” (not sure what that means, but suffice to say she lost) and receives a forfeit. Great pieing including in the hair, and the cheeky man even goes for a boob smash.
triple wammy [sic] of cake action from Peru. Thanks to Roy L. Pudding and billis820 for the finds.
