I’m not a sellout, you are!
The scene opens showing a desolate wasteland in black and white. There’s no sign of life, no animals or birds, just a vast, barren emptiness. As the camera pans across it, picking up only desert and parched shrub, a voice over begins.
“It’s been over ten years…”
The camera continues panning, showing a long-dead animal skeleton and a few birds perched on it.
“Plenty of shameless adults have been running riot, free to do whatever they want, whenever they want, without any fear of recourse…”
The camera cuts to a city street, full of high-rise buildings and graffiti-marked walls. Carrier bags and other detritus litter the street and dust blows in on the wind. The whole thing could have come from Mad Max or any other post-apocalyptic tale.
“The world is rife with corruption. Slave-drivers and cheaters rule the roost, those in charge can’t be trusted and society lies on the brink of collapse. The world has been thrown into anarchy and disarray…”
A car races past, scattering the rubbish in all directions. Another follows behind, its headlights on full beam, and as the camera moves into the car’s headlights, the screen whites out.
“…and, from this anarchy, one man rises to reclaim his throne.”
The sound of a loud crash is heard, as the image returns. The first car has hit a wall and as the driver scrambles to escape the vehicle, its rear-view mirror shows a humanoid shape, in futuristic armour, akin to Robocop or Judge Dredd, stepping out of the second vehicle. The driver, a dishevelled middle-aged man panics and tries the handle again, managing to get the door open. He steps out only for a gloved hand to land on his shoulder.
“You’re nicked,” speaks a distorted voice, causing the man to panic even more.
The armoured man’s mask begins to lift, “It’s the Gunk Dunk for you, sunshine!” shouts Dave Benson-Phillips, his face fully revealed, and followed by wild raucous laughter. The man’s eyes cross and he faints, falling to the floor as Dave looks into the camera. “The Grand Master of Gunge is back. The Sheriff of Slop. The Judge of Sludge. I am the law… and I’m here to take this world back from those gruesome grown-ups that have ruined it over the last decade.”
He looks into the camera with a surprisingly stony countenance. “Welcome… to Get Your Own Back: Xtreme Edition!”
[GET YOUR OWN BACK: XTREME EDITION!]
The series then started in earnest, with a revamped version of the theme from 2001, sounding loud, fast-paced and energetic. The show’s logo had been revised, keeping the diamond shape that it had in the last series, but giving it a more industrial look, as if made out of pieces of metal riveted together, all with a slightly grimy, dark tone. This wasn’t brightly polished chrome, but like something left abandoned in the dark corner of a long-forgotten warehouse. The show’s opening video mixed close up shots of the logo with images of gunge travelling through clear pipes, splattering onto metal floors and through grilles, before a final point-of-view shot of the camera, hurtling towards and into a gooey green and grey mire, causing the screen to fade out to a final shot of the show’s logo.
Despite being well into his fifties, Dave Benson-Phillips was still as loud and exuberant as ever. He ran out into the new studio waving and cheering as the audience responded in kind, and even for this new generation of kids that didn’t know him, his infectious charm and sheer joy was already evident. He loved them, and without knowing who he was, they loved him back, it was how it had always been.
“Welcome to Get Your Own Back Xtreme!” he shouted, throwing his arms out to the sides as lights flashed brightly above the audience who were sat in a horse-shoe shape around one half of the stage. The stage itself was rather sparse right now, with plenty of open space for games that would be played later on in the day. The spotlights were on Dave and roaming across the audience, so the rest of the stage floor was only faintly lit, but it was clear that none of the games were in place yet, and all that was visible was a large set of industrial steel double-doors behind Dave at the back of the studio. The whole thing continued the show’s slightly grimy aesthetic, keeping up the appearance of being a derelict warehouse in a bad part of town, or some kind of secret underground arena where the normal values of society weren’t present. Even the floor looked like a pock-marked piece of concrete, and there were some rusty-looking wrought iron columns supporting the studio ceiling and lighting gantries to continue the theme.
Dave’s neon blue shirt, with a printed toucan design was strongly at odds with it all, and his bright red trousers and shoes only made him an even starker contrast to the studio, but if this was a post-apocalyptic version of the much-loved series, then it was only right that Dave should be gloriously resplendent as the guiding light and saviour in this new dark world.
“Yes, it’s been a while, but I’m back. New location and new games, but we’ve still got the same idea – we’re here to help YOU get revenge on the gruesome grown-ups in your life that make it a misery! Overbearing aunties? Tragic teachers? Snooty sisters and bothersome brothers? Meddling mums? Dancing dads?” Dave got louder and more excited as he ran through the list. “Hah!” he cried, “We’ve had them all here before – just ask your parents! I’m sure they’ll remember!” He smiled and rubbed his hands together, “But for anyone that’s forgotten, or for those of you that have never seen it before, how about a little trip down memory lane?”
Dave flashed his trademark grin before a montage of some the best dunkings was played. Men and women of varying ages and appearances were dunked over and over throughout the clip in all manner of gunge, from the thick, colourful stuff used earlier on through to the more watered down stuff from the latter years. Plenty of great gungings were shown, from such memorable victims as Shona, Mr. Grundy and Denise, through to the celebs like Kirsten and Tim Vincent. Conspicuously absent were both of DBP’s own gungings and that of Mr. Blobby, but those watching weren’t likely to notice.
“Yes, there were a couple of beauties in there for sure,” cooed Dave. “I love my job, I do love my job!” he added, bouncing up and down on a stage he’d sorely missed over the last decade. “So let’s not waste any more time! Lights up!”
As the studio lights lifted fully, they revealed two boxes on either side of the double doors, one with a blue door and the other with a yellow door. “Both of our teams are in these holding cells, just waiting for us to get started, and the best bit? These cells are completely soundproof! So who are going to start with? Yellow or blue? Blue or yellow? Yellow or blue?” Dave tapped his chin thoughtfully, “Let’s start with… blue!”
He spun off to left of the stage and opened the blue trimmed door. Both cells looked suitably grimy from the outside and, frankly, not much better inside! Dave stepped inside, to see a teenage girl sat on a stool, facing a small cell with bars, where an woman in her thirties was sat, barefoot, on another stool. In the room with them was a wall-mounted television and, now that Dave and the cameras were present, it was just a little bit cramped.
“Hello blue team!” called out Dave, “Welcome to Get Your Own Back Xtreme! Coming down from Derby, we’ve got fourteen year old Vicky here, with her mum, Camilla!”
The audience cheered appropriately, watching it all on a large screen at the back of the studio, while both members of the blue team waved to the camera. Vicky was quite an average looking teenage girl, average build and height, with a bit of an early summer tan and shoulder-length blonde hair. She had blue eyes and seemed quite relaxed, considering that this was her television debut.
“It’s lovely to have you both here,” continued Dave, “But Vicky, this isn’t a social, so let’s get down to business. What everyone wants to know is why are you and your mum here? What on earth has she done?” He pulled a blue piece of card out of his paper, “I’ve got your letter here, telling me why, so why don’t you read it out loud for all of us?”
Vicky smiled and shuffled in her seat as the attention was turned to her, before clearing her throat and holding up the letter. “Dear Dave,” she began, “I want to get my own back on my mum, Camilla. She belongs to a medieval re-enactment society, and every weekend she takes me along to her group, and it is just so, so, boring. Sometimes they do an event and we have to travel to it, which could be miles off – we did one in Cardiff and it took all weekend – and sometimes they just rehearse it which is even worse. I’m fourteen, I think I’m old enough to be trusted to stay at home on a Saturday and not have to be dragged along, but my mum won’t let me! When I’m there, she and her friends try to get me to join in, and when I did once, they just made me this stupid peasant kid and had me walk around in a sack all day while my mum dresses as noble ladies and princesses and elves. She goes to medieval fayres, but I think this is royally unfair, so please help me do something my mum won’t want to re-enact any time soon, and dunk her, Dave!”
Throughout the letter, Camilla had been sat in her cell, curling and uncurling her toes around the crossbar of her stool, looking up and away generally, but back at Vicky during the closing part of her letter, looking quite incensed. She was in her mid-thirties, but could have passed for her twenties, given how good her skin looked, and even though she was quite pale, with platinum blonde hair that ran halfway down her back, she seemed to give off a healthy glow. Camilla had the same blue eyes as her daughter, and had a slim build, ever so slightly on the taller side of average, with her uniform fitting snugly to her frame without being too revealing. Her make-up was subtle, and both sets of nails were painted an ice blue colour, which must have had some kind of glitter or sheen to it, as her nails seemed to sparkle in the prison cell’s lights as she tapped them against her thighs.
Vicky smiled smugly at her mother, and then back to the camera. “Oh, and much love, Vicky,” she added, sticking her tongue out. She might have looked all sweetness and innocence to begin with, but it was clear that Vicky had a bratty streak to her, and she wasn’t afraid to let it out.
“I see, I see,” said Dave, nodding his head, “And I believe we’ve got some proof of this,” he added, pulling a remote from his pocket and pointing it at the small television in the cell. It immediately displayed a picture of Camilla, looking much as she did today, but dressed more regally, in a deep sapphire blue gown that was a well-fitted corset with a wide skirt. Her hair was braided extensively and she sported a silver tiara on her head, along with several chains around her neck, and a set of pointed elf ears. She was doing her best to look prim and proper for the camera, while Vicky stood next to her in a pair of pink jogger bottoms and trainers, with a t-shirt and a tracksuit top to match the bottoms. Vicky had her phone in hand and looked decidedly brassed off, with the sky above both of them very grey. “What’s this then?” asked Dave, pointing to the ears. “An elf?”
“Yeah,” said Vicky, shaking her head in despair at her mother’s antics. “This is from a fortnight ago, the last time they had a proper event. They’ve been doing a bit of Lord of the Rings stuff recently, so my mum gets to be Tarwyn Silvermoon-”
“Silvermorn,” corrected Camilla, drawing ire from both Dave and Vicky. She huffed indignantly, “If I’m going to be accused of anything,” she adding, sounding quite stern and proper, “Then you might as well get your accusations right.”
“Crikey, is she always like this?” asked Dave.
Vicky nodded, “Yeah, but she’s putting on her ‘elf queen’ voice there. That’s not how she really talks! Anyway, that’s my mum, a grown woman, pretending to be an elf.” She shook her head again, “And there are more photos, too, going back probably years in some cases. I think my mum took me along for the first time when I was eight, so this has been going on for six years. I just want a weekend to myself for once!”
Dave nodded and started flicking through the photos. The scenery changed, along with Camilla’s dress, but the scene was the same each time – Camilla dressed in finery and looking regal, while Vicky stood around in the background, looking bored. Even in some of the youngest photos, the dynamic was still the same, and Dave stopped on the final photo, with Camilla in a blood red gown with a golden crown and fur-trimmed gold cape, while Vicky stood next to her, barefoot in the mud, wearing just a burlap sack. “This is the one you mentioned?”
“Yeah, I was about ten or eleven then,” said Vicky. “They wouldn’t let me take part to begin with because I was too young, but then they said I could try it, so I did. They made me into a poor street child and had me wander around begging people for food, all while ‘Queen Camilla’ there sat on her throne and judged a jousting tournament!”
Dave sucked air through his teeth and shook his head. “This is pretty bad.” He rubbed his chin, “And you say it happens every weekend?”
Vicky nodded, “Yeah, pretty much.”
Dave looked to Camilla who reluctantly nodded too and then flashed a nervous grin.
“Agreeing?” asked Dave, smiling as Camilla’s grin got a bit more nervous. “These are some pretty grim accusations brought against you Camilla, Vicky says you go to these things almost all the time, she’s always bored, and when she tries to join in, you make her the town beggar! I’m not surprised she’s brought you here today, this is exactly the sort of carrying on that I created Get Your Own Back to resolve! Got anything to say for yourself?”
“Well,” Camilla swallowed a lump in her throat, tapping her fingers against her thighs, “I’m allowed hobbies, aren’t I? And if Vicky paid more attention, she could learn a thing or two about history!”
Vicky scoffed, “Yeah, because elves and dwarves really happened!”
Camilla blushed and grinned profusely, looking rather nervous.
“No, I don’t think we’re having any of that,” said Dave. “Look, Camilla, our GYOB enforcement team have tracked you down so we can bring you to justice here today. We’ve heard the testimony from your own daughter and you stand accused of depriving Vicky of weekends and boring the pants off of her with your medieval mumbo jumbo instead. How do you plead?”
Glancing first to her daughter, then to the television, still showing that last photo, Camilla shook her head and sighed. “It’s kind of hard to argue when you’ve got pictures like that,” she said, “I plead guilty, your honour, and beg the court for mercy!” she added, starting to get into her role.
“Guilty!” shouted Dave, before giving Vicky a high-five. “Well done my dear, you’ve brought in a wanted criminal and we’ve even got a confession. Brilliant work, but we’ll leave her here for now because I need to go and deal with the miscreant next door. I’ll be back for you two in a bit!”
He stepped out of the cell and shut the door behind him. “Let’s go and chat with the yellows then and see who’ve got today,” said Dave as he bounded across to the chamber on the other side. Opening the yellow-trimmed door, Dave revealed a young boy with side swept light brown hair and a cheeky face, and woman in her mid-twenties with bright red hair sat on a stool behind the cell walls. Both smiled at Dave as he and the camera man entered and, bar the coloured trim being yellow, it was exactly the same as the blue team’s cell.
“Coming from Newcastle we’ve got twelve year-old Matt and his step-sister Kimberley,” said Dave, introducing the two. “Welcome to the show you pair! Now, Matt, I’ve got your letter here too, asking me to dunk Kimberley in the gunk, so why don’t you tell everyone what she’s done to deserve this most pungent of punishments?”
Matt was a typical lad for his age, with light brown hair and brown eyes, a healthy tan and the look of a cheeky troublemaker through and through. His slim figure suggested he probably did a lot of running around and, much like Vicky, he didn’t seem at all concerned by being on camera. He took the letter from Dave and stared hard at it. “Dear Dave, please help me get my own back on my step-sister Kimberley! Since she and her mum moved in with me and my Dad a year ago, she’s totally ruined wrestling for me. I used to love the WWE but now when it’s on, Kim is just so embarrassing. She’s always cheering and shouting, when she gives me a lift she tries to talk about it with me and my mates and worst of all, she keeps putting me in headlocks in front of them and trying to make me tap out! Plus she’s a personal trainer, so she’s been getting some of the guys in the gym to teach her more holds. She’s embarrassing at home and embarrassing when I’m with my mates – help me embarrass Kim for a change and dunk her, Dave!”
Throughout Matt’s impassioned plea, Kim was sat in her cell with a big grin on her face. She was about average height, with a deep tan, and as would be expected of someone with her occupation, she had a very toned body, with her arms and thighs both showing a pleasant amount of muscle, firm, but without being ripped, and her choice of tight-fitting top and shorts only further emphasised how well-conditioned her body was. She had pleasant features, with hazel eyes, but her hair was dyed cherry red and left loose to frame her face for now. She didn’t wear a whole lot of make-up, but what she was sporting was also bright red, with lips and nails both matching her hair. She seemed quite at ease in the cell, smiling throughout and even a bit of a laugh when Matt mentioned the headlocks, but when he concluded, she buried her face in her hands and shook her head.
“Sounds bad,” said Dave, looking to Kim and then back to Matt. “Is she really that bad? She doesn’t look so bad!”
Kim nodded her head and fluttered her eyelashes.
“She’s worse!” shouted Matt, “Gets worse all the time, too! She never used to dye her hair until she decided she wanted to be like Eva Marie a few months back!”
“Is that true?” asked Dave, looking to Kim as she reached up to fiddle with a few stands of her red hair, curling them around her fingers and looking quite sheepish.
“She was a trendsetter before she wrestled, she knows what makes a good look,” pleaded Kim, looking to Matt and then Dave to see her efforts were falling on deaf ears. She frowned and gave them a dismissive wave, before adding “I think it looks alright, never mind what you two think,”. Her Geordie accent was quite pronounced, much more so than Matt’s, but she spoke clearly enough to be understandable. Given how much she was smiling and reacting already, it was clear that Kim wasn’t at all shy, and wasn’t awed by the cameras or by Dave’s over-the-top personality either. “Anyway, how do you know for sure I didn’t just fancy a change?”
Dave smiled, “You didn’t come unprepared, did you Matt?”
“Nope!” beamed the boy as he and Dave turned to the television. Dave cycled through several pictures of Eva from her teens through to her early twenties, and then some of Matt and Kim, and their family starting around 2016. There were photos from the summer, Christmas, a few meals out, birthdays, even some from on holiday and a few selfies of Kim in between. In the older ones, Kim’s hair is her natural brown, and then only from about two years ago did it change to bright red. “See? She was always her natural colour until she dyed it to match Eva Marie’s hair when she left the WWE.”
“That does look bad,” said Dave, shaking his head. “Caught red-handed, or red-HAIRED I should say!”
Kim shook her head again, he cheeks flushing as she knew was caught out. “I just fancied a change, that’s all. You cannot prove what I was thinking when I dyed my hair, you can’t read my mind!”
“She might have a point – let’s see what other proof Matt’s got of his step-sister’s antics!” cackled Dave as he started tapping the remote again. There was a video of Matt and his friends watching it on television, only for Kim to walk in and start posing, causing Matt to hide himself behind a cushion out of embarrassment. There was another video of Matt chatting to some friends at school only for Kim to walk up behind him and put him in a headlock in front of his mates, recorded by one of them on their phones. Then, finally, a video Matt had recorded on his phone, showing Kim’s bedroom – complete with a big posted of Eva Marie and several other female wrestlers above her bed. “How’s that, Dave?”
“I think that’ll do! The court accepts this into evidence for sure!” Dave then turned his attention to Kim, “So, Kimberley, you’ve been brought in by your step-brother for embarrassing him and ruining his love of wrestling. We’ve had plenty of proof of you taking it way too far, so how do you plead?”
“Not guilty, Dave!” she replied quickly. “Not guilty at all!”
Dave smirked, looking to Matt, then to the camera and then back to Kim. “Last chance, Miss All-Red-Everything, how do you plead?”
“Not guilty!” she shouted defiantly. An alarm then rung out immediately as a stream of snotty-looking green gunge was dumped over her from above. She gasped in shock, her hands flying instinctively up to her face and back through her hair as she looked to Dave and Matt in disbelief. The gunge slopped down into her lap, coating her thighs and sliding down her bare shins to pool around her toes at the bottom of the cell. She tried flicking some of the goop at the pair, but didn’t really get too far, finding that it stuck to her fingers instead. Running her hands back through her hair again, it made her red mane stand up at weird angles, like it was some green hair gel, as well as clinging to her face and dangling from her nose, chin and ear. She gave a rueful smile and shook her head as it came to an end, splashing her toes in the puddle at the bottom of the tank while trying to wipe her face clear.
“That’s what happens when you lie,” teased Dave, grinning from ear to ear. “Matt’s done a great job of giving us plenty of proof that you deserve to be here, there’s no way I’m letting you off with trying to deny it now, Kim!”
The redhead just groaned, “That was a dirty trick,” she muttered, still smiling sheepishly, before sticking her tongue out.
Dave held out his hand for a fist bump with Matt and then made for the door of the cell. “Great work, mate, you’ve brought your step-sister in and given her a snotting already for being a dirty liar! Maybe after a games it’ll get even worse for our Kim! I’ll see you both again in a minute.” Matt grinned and waved as Kim continued to stick her tongue out and play with her gungy hair.
“Right,” said Dave as the cell door shut behind him. “Those are our teams! Quite a bunch, wouldn’t you say? Plenty of characters and two very deserving grown ups, one of whom will be taking a drop in my very gruesome slop before we’re done today!” He looked to the audience, “Who wants a sneak preview of the sludge?” he asked, being met with raucous cheers. “I thought so! Let’s have a sneaky peek then!”
He turned to the screen on the back wall of the studio, above the metal doors.
It flickered and then started to broadcast a very dismal image. It was dark, and there was some sort of haze or mist obscuring the view but there were two strong colours visible at the bottom of the screen, dark blue and a bright shade of orange. The two colours were spread across the bottom of the image like the landscape of some alien world, unerringly smooth as far as the eye could see and deathly still. The two colours made for obvious contrasts and where they came into touch, they didn’t blend but smeared against each other, leaving greasy-looking divides, like that of oil separating from a sauce, and, despite the mist, the whole thing seemed to have a sheen to it that only helped make it look worse.
“Doesn’t it look grim?” asked Dave, his face and voice rich with delight. “And it’s for either Kim or Camilla, so I’ll just explain how this works. We’re going to play a series of gungy games today with Matt and Vicky trying to score as many points as possible, all while we humiliate their awful adult and get them plenty messy. Then, at the end, the one with the most points will get to take their partner through to the Gunk Dunk and give them the ultimate gunging, and I’m sure you’ll agree it looks awful – which is just how we like it! Ha!” He then shrugged his shoulders, “Simple enough, right? So, without any further delay, let’s get on with our first game!”
[ROUND ONE: SOMETHING FISHY!]
The title card melted away to reveal the set up for the first game of the day. Kim had been given chance to get a bit cleaned up, though her yellow top still bore some green stains and her hair had a wet sheen to it, suggesting that she’d not been for a shower but a quick towel dry instead. There was something else a bit different – both women were now sporting mermaid tails in their team colours! They had their hair down too, to add to the image, and were sat atop a large rock each surrounded by a pool of translucent pale blue gunge, meant to represent the ocean. The gunge in the pool was already moving, being pumped around and, as it moved, it carried some small objects with it; a few plastic fish and some brightly coloured starfish.
“Welcome, welcome,” said Dave, stood between the two rocks. “It’s the first game of the new series, and I think there’s something fishy going on with our two adults!” He moved towards Kim’s side, “Alright up there, Kim? At least this explains the smell, eh? I thought it was just your feet madam! How’s the view?”
Kim rolled her eyes and huffed a little, smirking slightly. “Not so bad,” she said, shifting a little on the seat, “It’d be better if I was in the audience instead of being up here though!”
“You should have thought of that before you made poor Matt’s life a misery!” replied Dave, prompting Kim to stick her tongue out. Dave then moved over to Camilla, “And you, Mrs. Dress Up, what do you make of your first costume today? Ever played a mermaid before?”
Camilla looked more comfortable with the outfit than her opponent and, while the GYOB t-shirt was far from authentic, with her long hair and slender build, she looked like she could make a decent go of a proper mermaid costume. “It’s a bit gaudy, isn’t it?” she replied, before running one hand over her blue tail. “I mean, it’s not exactly keeping with tradition, is it?”
“You know they’re not real, right?” asked Dave. “Honestly, some people. It’s not like we can just ask one for advice on the costume!” He shook his head and leaned in towards the pool of flowing gunge beneath Camilla. “Take a good look in here, we’ve got plenty of fish, but what we’re interested in are these guys,” he said, holding up a bright blue starfish, “These are worth ten points a piece for Vicky and Matt, and what they have to do is fish them out of here and then put them in their fishing baskets.”
The camera panned across the studio floor to show the two contestants stood next to a basket each, carrying a fishing net with a coloured handle and wearing a fishing vest and hat each. The run was made to look a bit like a sandy beach and there were some seagulls hanging from the studio gantry. “Looking good, you two!” called Dave, “Of course, it’s never that easy, and we have to give our two mermaids a chance, so Camilla and Kim each have a bucket of jellyfish on hand to use to try to slow down Vicky and Matt.” As Dave spoke the camera moved up to Camilla, who had a large blue bucket beside her, filled with a mix of sponges shaped like jellyfish coated in a clear, sticky goop. She pulled one out, letting its tendrils dangle as the slime clung to it and hung down like snotty strings as Camilla grimaced and then put it back in the bucket beside her.
“The game ends when you hear the fog horn, so best of luck to Matt and Vicky,” said Dave as he moved out of the way, “And plenty of bad luck to both of our awful adults. Get ready, get set… go!”
The two contestants ran straight for the pool, nets in hand, ready to get fishing. Matt was marginally faster over the run, and was first in position. There was a rim of rock around the outside of the gunge pool to stop the kids getting too near, but it didn’t prove to be too difficult for the brown-haired boy as he swung his net and fished up a yellow star fish while ducking a jellyfish flung by his step-sister that landed on the floor a little behind him with a wet squelch. He spun around and ran back to the basket to empty out his net, before returning to the pool.
On the blue side of things, Vicky had just caught her first starfish and as she turned to run, her mum hit her right in the back with a gungy jellyfish, which clung to the vest as Vicky carried on running. She dumped out her starfish into the basket and then reached around to grab the jellyfish, throwing it to the floor before running back to the pool. She dodged another thrown jellyfish on her approach and then managed to fish up another star without getting hit this time. She dropped it in her basket just as Matt ran back to the pool on the opposite track, just slightly behind him.
The game continued in much the same way. Both adults had plenty of jellyfish and weren’t at all afraid to use them, while the contestants were keeping pace with netting their starfish. Matt remained slightly ahead, but there wasn’t a lot in it and, as the game went on, both of them started to slow down a bit as there were fewer and fewer starfish in the pool each time they returned.
Camilla was proving to be a surprisingly good shot, peppering Vicky with several jellyfish, most of which stuck to the vest, slowing the girl down as she removed them. Kimberley wasn’t so accurate and her throwing was a bit wild, but she was just hoping that if she threw enough, she’d hit Matt with some of them! She threw one as Matt approached the pool and seeing it coming, the boy held up his net to block it, before throwing it back at his step-sister, catching her right in her ample chest with it as she gasped in shock. It left a wet patch on her already stained top, but the red-haired girl just grabbed it and threw it again, missing Matt by a few inches as he swung his net through the pool to grab another star for his basket.
The longer the game went on the further ahead Matt seemed to get, probably down to Kim’s bad aim more than anything as Camilla was making things more and more difficult for Vicky. Twice she’d caught her daughter’s legs making her stumble and once she’d even hit the back of her head, knocking off her fishing hat entirely! The jellyfish weren’t going to hurt, but they were wet, heavy and sticky, and they were taking their toll on Vicky. She was putting up a valiant fight, but when the audience started counting down the last ten seconds of the round, it wasn’t hard to see which team was going to win this game.
Both contestants managed to get one more starfish into their baskets before the fog horn sounded to stop the game. Matt and Vicky came to a stop, while Camilla gave a little sigh and Kim dropped the jellyfish she had in hand into the pool.
“That’s it,” shouted Dave as he bounded on over, “That’s the game-oh! OH! Watch out! Look out for those seagulls everyone!” A loud cacophony of squawking could be heard, “Take cover! Watch out Kim!”
The warning didn’t do the redhead any favours as, within seconds she was squirted with about two dozen narrow jets of white gunge from above. She kept her eyes open for a moment to see what was going on and, putting two and two together, she stuck her tongue out in disgust and then shut her eyes as she was drenched under the deluge. The streams didn’t pour but fired shots, like a water gun, splattering the step-sister in white muck, covering her hair and shoulders, with plenty on her mermaid tale and some on her face, too. The intermittent nature of the gunging meant it took a little longer to finish, but when it did, Kim was left in quite a state, bringing her hands up to her face to wipe away the white gunk as best as she could, before dragging them back through her hair, revealing the red-dyed locks under the coating of white goop. She groaned and shook her head, flinging bits of white goop from her hair, and even as she tried to wipe her face again, she only really succeeded in smearing it about.
“Ew,” said Dave, “That’s just nasty! Oh well! Ha!” he turned to the buckets, starting first with Vicky’s, and began pulling out the starfish. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – seventy points! Well done Vicky!” he shouted as the blonde girl cheered he score. Camilla didn’t look as happy, though she looked a lot happier than her rival. Thanks to her tan, bright red hair and make up, the white gunge was a strong contrast with Kim and it helped make it clear that the “seagulls” had really done a number on her.
“Six, seven, eight… nine – ninety points!” shouted Dave as he finished counting the stars in Matt’s bucket. “Great work, Matt, you’ve got ninety points and your step-sister’s had a good mucking to boot!”
Kim was looking very red-faced at the top of the rock, she was well-covered and, even if it wasn’t actually bird muck, the thought if it was strong enough to leave her quite disgusted. The mermaid tail was fairly thick, but her t-shirt wasn’t and she could feel the cool gunge soaking through, making her shiver atop her rock as the cameras panned back to her one last time.
“I reckon Kim might need a shower after that, so we’ll let her get cleaned up for the next round,” said Dave, “Don’t anyone else go anywhere though, things are going to be getting even messier! Hahaha!” he cackled as the second round’s title card appeared on screen.
[ROUND TWO: SIR LANCE-A-LOT!]
The show returned with a change of set, the top-down view showing a looped track around a central reservation and as it swung lower, it revealed Dave stood alongside a differently dressed Vicky. The blonde was now kitted out in a set of armour, including a helmet, chest plate and gloves. She was sat on a large merry-go-round horse on an arm, connected to a run around the central island, and held a blue lance in her hand.
“Here’s our Vicky, all decked out as a medieval knight,” said Dave, “Much better than a peasant child, right?”
“Yeah, I might be able to get used to this,” she replied, kicking her legs as they dangled in the air beneath the horse.
Dave chuckled, “It’s a better costume then your mum’s, that’s for sure, she’s dressed up as our disgusting dragon – let’s take a good look at her!”
In the middle of the run stood Camilla, the dragon. She was wearing a pantomime dragon costume, with wings, tails and claws along with an over-sized dragon head with a wide open mouth, full of white teeth, made from balloons. The mouth was angled so that it tipped back towards Camilla’s face and the camera had to rise up a bit to see her face at the back of the dragon’s throat. She gave a feeble wave and, while her face was somewhat obscured, what could be seen were some very red cheeks.
“Yes, there she is, Camilla the dragon,” said Dave. “She’s causing trouble in the villages again, so it’s up to the good Lady Victoria to chase her off! Vicky, you and your noble steed, Horsey McHorseface, are going to do two laps of this track, giving you sixty seconds to use your lance to take out this terrible tyrant’s teeth, by popping them! Camilla will be trying to get away, but it’s not going to be that easy, because she’s on a bungee cord to stop her getting away from our brave knight!”
Camilla’s tail was indeed a cord, running to the track around the outside. There were also some obstacles (and, on closer inspection, her costume included knee pads to accommodate for the inevitable) on the floor of the run to make life more difficult for the dragon.
“It’s ten points for every tooth removed by our daring dentist, so there are plenty of points up for grabs,” said Dave as he stepped back and gave Horsey a pat on the backside. “Since everyone looks ready we’ll get this game on the road in three, two, one… go!”
Dave moved out of the way as the game started up, with the mechanical horse moving around the track, carrying Vicky along with it. She kept tight hold of her lance with both hands and got herself into position as she moved off down the straight section, with Camilla trying to move the other way. The bungee cord didn’t let her get too far, but she was able to turn her back and try to keep the teeth out of the blonde’s reach. It worked for a little, with Vicky’s jabs hitting the helmet and costume without touching the teeth. As Vicky approached the corner at the top of the track, Camilla found herself not only being pulled nearer by the cord, but that she was also unable to turn quickly, and so, with the jaw exposed, Vicky swung the lance in and tried to pop as many of the balloons as possible. The tip of the lance had the sharp point, so while she skewered a couple, the sides of the lance mostly just knocked the others around without bursting them.
The two she did burst, however, released streams of gooey gunge into the dragon’s throat and over Camilla’s head. The first was full of sunshine yellow slop and the second contained a vibrant shade of purple, and each was met by a squeal from Camilla as she bore the brunt of the slop. Due to the design of the head piece and the dragon costume, she couldn’t reach to do anything to clear her face, so, half-blinded by the slop, she was left to flail about as Vicky pierced another balloon, sending a splattering of light blue gunge down the inside of the costume and over Camilla’s face once more.
Things didn’t really get any better for Camilla from that point. Vicky lanced another tooth as she moved out of the corner and on to the straight and, while Camilla tried to pull away, she did leave another tooth exposed that Vicky skewered, sending a rain of sloppy strawberry milkshake pink gunge down the dragon’s throat and over Camilla’s face.
The straight sections of the track were less effective for Vicky, as her mum was better able to tug and turn away to keep the teeth out of her reach, but as she approached the far corner, the teenager made good use of her lance and pierced another three balloons. Each one sent a splattering of gunge down over Camilla, causing the thirty-something to squeal each time, reacting to each burst of gungy colour as if it was the first time over again! By now, the dragon’s head was looking a lot less toothsome, down to half its teeth, with a fairly even distribution of teeth remaining across the jaw. She continued trying to pull away, but the longer the game went on, the more Camilla seemed to struggle under the weight of the costume and the coating of gunge, so that when Camilla reached the first corner for the second time, Vicky was able to lance several more balloons, making her mum squeal and shout, the noises mixed with a bit of wet gurgling as the level inside of the head was starting to rise.
Vicky didn’t let up, popping a couple more on the straight section now, with her beleaguered mother limping alongside, doing her best to turn away, but clearly running out of any energy whatsoever. When Vicky reached the final corner, where the bungee pulled her mother in closer, there were just five teeth left. Camilla struggled against the cord, but as she tried to get away, she caught her foot on one of the obstacles and ended up falling to her knees, just as Vicky pierced a balloon, sending lilac gunge down the dragon’s throat. There was a bit of spluttering and a high-pitched shout of “That went in my mouth!” before Vicky pierced a second and a third in quick succession, further heaping on her mum’s messy misery!
With her mum on her knees, seemingly without the strength to get up, Vicky went for the kill, piercing a balloon to release yellow gunge and then piercing the last balloon and sending a final splattering of orange gunge down. The round ended immediately to cheering as Vicky waved her lance about overhead and Dave rushed back into the studio.
“Wow, wow,” he said, “That’s it, game over!” he added, laughing as Camilla remained on her knees. “Way to go Vicky,” he said, standing with his hands on his hips. “You popped every balloon and well and truly defeated the dragon,” he added, “So, with every balloon popped, that’s twenty balloons – TWO. HUNDRED. POINTS! Well done, Vicky!”
The blonde waved her lance around once more as Dave gave her a pat on the back and passed by, climbing over the small fence to where Camilla was still on her knees. “You didn’t do too well there, did you Cam?” he asked, patting the dragon on the head, “Let’s get a good look at you!” he added, holding the head’s mouth wide open so that the camera man could get in for a good look at the gunge-splattered woman. Camilla looked up, her face not just splattered in gunge, but coated, and it was clear that it was pooling around her neck, and chin, as the multicoloured morass of goop seemed to slop around as she moved her head, much to the woman’s apparent disgust. She pouted at the camera, and then at Dave, who just laughed in response.
The screen then flashed up to show Vicky celebrating her score, and we were then greeted with the game having been reset, with a yellow dragon now in place, and knight with yellow colouring atop the noble steed.
“Right Matt, you’ve got some work to do to live up to Vicky’s incredibly performance,” said Dave as he stood beside the boy, “You’ve seen how the game works, so you’ve got two laps of the arena to knock out as many of the dragon’s teeth as you can. There are twenty in total, and ten points per tooth popped, so there’s plenty to play for!” He stepped back out of the arena, “And if we’re all ready then we can get started in three, two, one, go!”
Kim immediately started with a bit more vigour to her performance than her opponent. Her time spent in the gym was clearly paying off as the Geordie lass was better able to pull out the bungee cord and turn herself away from her step-brother, so that even as he came around the first corner and the cord tugged Kim closer, she was still able to turn away. Matt managed to catch one balloon, sending a splattering of pink gunge over Kim, prompting her to wave her arms and shout back at him, much to his amusement. That was the only balloon he skewered on the first corner and as Matt moved out and on to the straight, Kim stayed in that corner, out of reach for as long as she possible could until the bungee cord started pulling her back and into the other corner and closer to Matt and his lance. She stumbled a bit and dropped to one knee, but kept turning away, fighting the bungee cord as best as she could and keeping the teeth away from Matt.
Her dogged resistance did break when Matt jabbed at the helmet, causing Kim to teeter and fall to the side. As Horsey McHorseface turned the corner, Matt was able to get in a couple of jabs before his step-sister could react, piercing a balloon and sending a splattering of green goo down the dragon’s throat. Kim gave a bit of a squeal and hopped up too quickly, losing her footing and slipping again, staggering forwards to lean on the fence as Matt passed by, popping two balloons in quick succession, sending lilac and pale blue gunge flying before Kim turned away and tried to move back into the corner. She fought against the bungee again, holding her own as Matt moved down the straight section to complete his first lap, but she was wound in closer for the top loop of the track and suffered a splattering of orange gunge for leaving herself a little too exposed.
Kim quickly turned away and kept herself into the corner again, but as the game went on, she too started to struggle, even though she was putting up much more of a fight than Camilla. Matt lanced a few more balloons as he moved along the straight section and rounded the final corner, before moving down the final stretch to the end as a klaxon sounded and everything came to a stop. Kim still had a few of her teeth left as Matt looked on, knowing that he’d been beaten this round, and just hoping he wasn’t too far behind.
“Good work Matt,” said Dave as he jogged over, patting the boy on the back, “Let’s go and check up on Kim to see how you’ve done!” Dave then climbed the fence and approached Kim as she knelt down to let him count the remaining teeth. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight teeth left, that’s twelve teeth gone – good score, Matt, one hundred and twenty points!” He then ushered the camera in to show Kim’s face and red hair streaked with gunge of various colours as the twenty-five year old stuck her tongue out at the camera.
“Yuck,” said Dave, not making clear quite on what he was passing judgement. “Let’s take a look at how the scores are shaping up now then!”
A screen flashed up, showing Vicky and Camilla at the top, and Matt and Kim at the bottom. “Matt’s been playing well,” said Dave, “and so our yellow team is currently on two hundred and ten points, but after a fantastic dental display, Vicky’s out in front as our blue team have two hundred and seventy points!”
Vicky was shown celebrating as Camilla buried her face in her hands. She knew she hadn’t done well in that last round, but Kim’s performance had somehow made hers look even worse and now there was a sizeable gap between the two teams that she would have to work hard to close if she wanted to avoid the gunge. Matt was shown booing while Kim gave two thumbs up and then started ruffling her step-brother’s hair playfully and trying to pull him into a sleeper hold from behind while he tried to pull away. After a few seconds, the screen faded away into the third round’s title card…
[ROUND THREE: GRAPES AND ROBBERS!]
The show returned with a shot of what looked like a very cartoon-y bunch of grapes, hanging from a big green vine. “Ah yes, the new season, she is here,” said Dave, putting on a French accent as he held up a few of the over-sized grapes in his hand, “We have had plenty of good weather this summer, so the grapes of gunge are looking fantastique and we will have a wonderful harvest, I am sure!” He then stepped back from the grapes and moved across the studio floor, which was made to look like a vineyard, with smaller plastic grapes on vines all around, and bits of wooden trellis there to add to the scene. These created slightly winding channels, so that it wasn’t just a straight run from one side to the other and, on the other side, he was met by Vicky and Matt.
Both contestants were in their shorts, but now sporting black and white striped tops, with berets and cravats in their team colours, and giant black stick-on moustaches. “And here I have my growers,” said Dave, still talking with his bad French accent. “It will be up to Vicky and Matt to run through here, and gather the grapes of gunge from the vine into their baskets. They can carry a few at a time but must take great care not to spill any, before bringing them over here and dumping them out into my harvest tanks.” Dave motioned towards two colour-coded wooden vats on legs just behind them. The camera moved around to show a ramp on either side of the two vats, so that the contestants could reach the top and empty in their baskets.
“Of course,” said Dave, “It is never that simple, and there are thieves in these gunge-growing hills that would steal my precious harvest and try to ruin it!” The camera cut to show Kim, dressed also in a black and white striped top, black robber mask and black beanie hat, too. She was still wearing her normal black shorts, but over the top of these were giant yellow trousers on suspenders, with the waist held away from the athletic redhead and held open by way of some rigid tubing. They were like the huge trousers a clown would wear, and as the camera panned down, her bare legs and feet were glimpsed as bright red nail polish shone under the studio lights.
“Yes, these counterfeiters are stealing my gunge grapes and, instead of pressing out the gungy goodness in a press like my professional outfit, they are mixing it in their trousers and making a very poor quality, illegal substitute!” explained Dave as the camera cut to show Camilla dressed similarly. The blonde snarled a bit at the camera, trying to play up her robber status, hoping for a much better round this time. “They will be trying to slow down Matt and Vicky’s progress, but also to steal as many grapes as possible, making their illegal muck with it instead!” Camilla glanced down into her own trousers and grimaced for just a moment at the thought of how this would feel for her.
“At the end of the game, Matt and Vicky will have ten points for every grape in their gunge press, and this is a very productive vineyard, so there are a lot of points on offer!” He glanced around and then nodded, “The harvest season is sixty seconds long and I see that everyone is ready, so, un, deux, trois, aller!”
Dave quickly got out of the way as Matt and Vicky grabbed their baskets and rushed off down the course. The two grown ups were very limited in their movement in this game, between the narrow corridors and their giant trousers, it made it very difficult for them to walk or turn or do much of anything, really, so all they could do was watch the contestants approach and try to get in the way as much as possible! Despite both loitering in the clearing halfway along the course, they didn’t have much luck stopping their partners breezing past them.
Matt and Vicky were both pretty quick on their feet and soon found themselves at the far end of the course, plucking the gunge-filled balloons from the vines and placing them into their baskets. Vicky grabbed five and decided it was enough, turning and rushing back into the groves as Matt grabbed about seven, holding his basket tightly and making sure not to drop any as he weaved through the vines and trellises. Matt was quick on his feet and managed to skirt around Kim far faster than the redhead could handle, and he soon ducked off into another channel, reaching the wine press and emptying in his basket as Vicky pushed off back into the groves.
The game continued in much the same way. Matt and Vicky were picking up half a dozen grapes at a time, both seeming to have settled on the idea that four was the sensible number to safely carry in their baskets, and neither dropped many throughout the entire game. Kim and Camilla, meanwhile, proved to be a slight hindrance, but little more. They were both doing a half-decent job of getting in the way, but neither one was stealing too many grapes. Kim had probably stolen a few more than her rival, but both kids were still emptying plenty of grapes into their presses each time and it looked set to be another high-scoring affair for the two contestants.
Kim was more comfortable with getting messy than Camilla, and she was trying to steal the grapes, dropping them into her massive trousers without hesitation each time she stole one, while Camilla was just as happy to knock them on to the floor instead. This didn’t help too much, though, as the balloons weren’t so fragile as to pop straight away and on one pass, Vicky stopped by her mum and picked up three unbroken grapes from the floor, instead of running to the vines. She quickly rushed back to add them to the press, something that might have put her marginally ahead overall!
If Vicky wasn’t ahead by that point, she was soon to be assured of it, when Matt came running through with a bucket of seven grapes. He tried feinting left and moving right to avoid his step-sister, but Kim moved the right way and cut him off. He slipped on a bit of gunge and skidded straight into Kim, and as the basket pressed to her stomach, the redhead grabbed it and tipped it forwards, dumping all seven balloons into her trousers with a wicked laugh. She stuck her tongue out at Matt and ruffled his hair as he pulled away and ran back to refill his basket.
As the round went on, both Vicky and Camilla seemed to flag together, so that as Vicky slowed down, her mum found it harder to fight against the costume too, so that it seemed to balance out strangely enough. Matt and Kim both seemed to have energy to spare, and while Matt was quick on his feet and able to dodge well enough, Kim had gotten used to the costume and its weight and was now moving more easily than she had done at the start of the round, despite her legs being coated in gooey gunge. She wobbled too and fro, always on the move, so that her momentum would carry her around, and, as the ten second timer kicked in for the end of the round, she was able to get in front of Matt one last time. He slid the basket around one side of Kim as she grabbed one more grape, and Matt then ducked around the other side of his step-sister to pick it back up, sprinting towards the press to dump in some final grapes as Vicky just set off back into the groves. She didn’t get far before the buzzer sounded, and Dave was soon back on the scene, beckoning the two youngsters over.
“Great work, you two, we barely lost anything during that harvest!” said Dave in his normal voice, moving up towards the two presses. “We’ll start with you first, Matt,” he said, moving to the yellow press and activating some buttons on the side. The top came down, bursting all of the balloons with a wet squelch that prompted Vicky to pull her face while Matt and Dave laughed. Then, from the base of the vat, multicoloured gunge began pouring down a tube and into a graduated tank. Dave moved to the tank and watched as the gunge poured in, more than half-filling the tank. He tapped his ear piece discretely and watched as the last of it slopped in, “Well done Matt, you harvested a total of twenty-nine grapes, for two hundred and ninety points! That’s fantastic picking, young man!” Matt was shown cheering as Dave then moved around to the blue vat.
“As for you, Vicky, let’s see what we’ve got here!” He tapped the machine again as it sprung to life, pressing down the balloons with a squelch as the audience cried out in disgust. Dave then led Vicky back around to check the gunge flowing into the second tank. It poured out quickly, past the halfway mark and stopped just above Matt’s tank. “Ooh,” said Dave, sucking air through his teeth, “You’ve just pipped him Vicky, with thirty-four balloons for a total of three hundred and forty points!”
Vicky squealed with delight and started jumping up and down in joy.
“Excusez-moi, monsieur,” called a voice from off-screen before a tall, well-built men dressed as a gendarme entered the scene. His French accent was considerably better than Dave’s, “I believe we have apprehended the scoundrel who has been trying to steal your grapes,” he continued, before a second officer walked over, dragging Camilla behind him. Her hands were cuffed together in front of her and she already looked very red-faced.
“Well, unmask her then,” said Dave, “Let’s see who it was!”
The second officer complied, removing both the beanie hat and the mask as the whole audience gasped in unison. Dave gasped too, and, in true Scooby-Doo style, exclaimed, “No! It was old woman Camilla all long!”
His comment was met by an eye roll from the criminal, who then sighed before giving in. “And I’d have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for these meddling kids!”
Vicky grinned as parts of the audience laughed and the first officer spoke again. “What would you like us to do with this one? Shall we take her into custody?”
“No,” said Dave, his eyes twinkling, “I’ve got something far worse than custard for her right here!” he pointed to the the two tanks of multicoloured slop and then ushered Matt and Vicky out of the way as the two gendarmes frog-marched Camilla into place. Almost as soon as they let go of her, the two tanks overhead erupted, with twin multicoloured streams of slop pouring down over either side of Camilla’s face!
A scream erupted from her mouth almost as quickly and her platinum blonde hair was coated in seconds, in a mix of reds, blues, greens, yellows and lilacs, looking as bad as it had done in the last round as she ducked her head forwards, trying to keep her face out of the deluge. She brought her hands up as best as she could, but the cuffs limited her movement, so she couldn’t do a whole lot. Worse still for her was that, even though she hadn’t popped too many balloons during the game, her baggy trousers were now being filled up with gunge anyway, and she could feel it all sloshing around her bare legs and knees, and, by the time the downpour was over, the level was about halfway up her thighs. Her top was absolutely soaked in gunge, her hair covered completely and, despite her best efforts, her face hadn’t been spared either, leaving her a very sorry state.
All sorts of colours covered Camilla, everything in the rainbow and a few more besides, with none of the gunge mixing too much so that it stayed multicoloured and bright. Her whimpering and wailing caused her to wobble about a bit, sending the gunge in her trousers sloshing around, some slopping over the side and on to the floor below, forming a small puddle around the mucked-up mother. When it was finally over, she gave a drawn out groan and cut a very sad face, pouting at Dave and the cameras.
“Look at her,” said Dave, “She’ll think twice about trying to rob my grapes again, that’s for sure!”
Camilla gave a weary nod of the head and looked to her daughter, whose bright, beaming smile said it all.
“That was a great game, with both contestants picking up loads of points, so let’s have a look at what it’s done to the scores!” said Dave as the screen changed once more. “Matt did well, he’s up to five hundred points now, but Vicky’s starting to pull away, with a whopping six hundred and ten points! Wow! Camilla’s got some work to do to avoid a date with the dunk tank!”
The screen showed both teams as it had done before, with everyone cleaned up. On the scores being revealed, Kim threw both hands up in a cheer as her step-brother booed, while Vicky gasped in shock and turned to point and laugh at her mum while Camilla could only shake her head and put her hands together, praying for things to improve!
[ROUND FOUR: GOO WHO?]
The round’s title card faded away to reveal Dave, Kim and Camilla in the centre of the stage. Both women were sat on stools, with microphones in their hands as Dave stood behind a podium between them.
“We’re letting Matt and Vicky take a well-earned breather for now,” said Dave, “As we’re giving both Kim and Camilla a chance to plead their cases to our studio audience!” He reached out and placed his arm on Camilla’s shoulder, “Unfortunately, this won’t change the points for either of you, so don’t think this’ll help you escape Cam, but with our final round being for double points, I do have a little something in store for one of you, depending on what our audience thinks!”
Both women exchanged a glance, with Camilla biting her lip while Kim rubber her hands across her thighs nervously. They’d both suffered enough mess each to know that the last round was going to be bad either way, and so the thought of a handicap made it even more awful… and of course, this was all still just the build-up to that most messy of gungings at the end of the show.
Dave moved a bit closer to the blonde, “So, Camilla, seeing as you’ve got a healthy lead right now and could well be on your way to take a lovely dunk in my lovely gunk, I’m going to let you go first!” He laughed as the platinum blonde wrinkled her nose, her cheeks flushing red as she felt the embarrassment well up inside of her at just thinking about taking a dunk. “You’re looking into this camera,” said Dave, pointing her in the right direction, “And you’ve got ten seconds to convince this lot that you don’t deserve a drop in the slop at the end of the show! When you’re ready, just start talking and a buzzer will go to let you know your time’s up!”
Camilla nodded and squirmed on her seat, sitting herself upright again as she forced down a lump in her throat. She ran her hands back through her long hair, lifting it slightly and bringing it together at the back, letting it sit on her back as she shut her eyes for a moment. Her hair was evidently not stained by either of her previous gungings and given how dry it looked, she had obviously been given plenty of time to get herself sorted between rounds, but Camilla’s hair was very important to her and the way she was touching it made that clear.
“Please don’t dunk me,” she said, clasping her hands together in a begging fashion. “I’ve had more than enough gunge already today, along with those ridiculous costumes and I swear to you that I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t force Vicky to come along in future and if she does want to get involved, we’ll make her a princess and not a pauper. Please, spare me and my high from that awful-”
She was cut short by the buzzer and shrugged her shoulders, giving a somewhat nervous and strained smile as she glanced around the audience, before looking back to Dave and Kim.
Dave rubbed his chin and then shrugged too, “Alright, well, let’s see what Kim has to say and then it’s up to our audience to decide!” He pointed Kim in the direction of a camera and patted her on the back, “When you’re ready Kim, just start talking.”
Kim smiled, as if she needed to be told twice to start talking. “Well I surely don’t deserve a dunk in the gunk when it’s so clear that this one’s just worrying about her hair, like,” she said, nodding in Camilla’s direction as her motor mouth hit full stride. “Matt should be pleased to have an older step-sister like me taking an interest in him and his hobbies, he should be thrilled that I wanna spend time with him and his mates, when I could be off doing other things. I’m sure he loves my company, and he’s only complaining because I’m better’n him at wrestling and he can’t escape my headlock!” She laughed a little, the grin on her face was cocky, but playful, as if she knew she was just adding fuel to the fire for now. “I mean I canny be held responsible for him still waiting on a growth spurt, can I? He’s going to get bigger one day and then maybe things will change but I’m gonna keep having my fun while I can, and deep down, I know he loves it so-”
To everyone’s relief, the buzzer went.
“I’m not done yet!” cried Kim, folding her arms indignantly.
“Yes you are!” scolded Dave, “You’ve said quite enough already! I know it was only ten seconds, but it felt a whole lot longer the way you were rabbiting on!” Dave shook his head, “I know who I’d pick, but it’s not up to me, it’s up to our studio audience. So, let’s have a show of hands first, who wants to see Camilla in the sludge?”
The blonde brought her hands up to cover her face, peeking out between the fingers nervously to survey the audience. There was a decent number of raised hands, but she didn’t quite think it was a majority – at least she hoped as much.
“Alright, hands down,” said Dave. “Now, let’s see how many of you want the show to end with Kim going in!”
Most of the audience now raised their hands, with a chorus of loud boos, too! Judging by the numbers, some of the kids had raised their hands both times, but as this was far from scientific, that was hardly of concern. Unlike Camilla, Kim seemed to embrace it, and as the audience jeered the red-haired Geordie, she just sat back and grinned, laughing to herself. “Give over you horrible lot,” she called to the audience, “Your boos are just making me more determined, I hope you know that!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Dave, shaking his head. “Looks like the audience are keen to see you get dunked, Kim, and I promised I had something up my sleeve for one of you.” Dave chuckled as he ducked down a moment to take something from under his podium, before lifting a pair of large black wellies up with a grin. “These are Benson’s Boots, and they’re a pair of my old stinky wellies, filled with some of the most gruesome goo we have. They’re huge, too, so they’re bound to slow you down a bit, Kim!”
The redhead bit her bottom lip, her cheeks turning red as she stared at Dave and at the boots. Her goading and teasing of the audience was now coming back to bite her and, for just a few seconds, it dawned on Kim that she could well end up paying the ultimate price for it. She knew how physical some of the games had been, and having to run around in a pair of gunge-filled giant boots? She was definitely going to be up against it for this final game and with the points going the way they had done, it was more than possible that Matt could overturn the difference, especially if she was handicapped like this.
“Shoes off, madam,” said Dave as he moved around to the front of the podium and set the boots down in front of Kim. As she glanced down, the redhead could see that one was filled with white goop, and the other with green, not that it made much difference, really. She tugged off her trainers, dropping them to the side and then pulled off her ankle socks, looking down at the boots again with a sigh as her toes dangled in the air.
Kim appeared to take quite good care of her feet, her nails were painted bright red to no-one’s surprise, and they were as tanned as the rest of her body. They looked to be soft and were free from bruises, as the only visible marks were a couple of freckles. She flexed her toes, stretching them now that they were released from her trainers and socks, feeling the cooler air of the studio against them as they hung over those gunge-filled boots.
“Yuck,” complained Dave, “What on earth is that smell?” he asked, before looking up to Kim as the woman scoffed indignantly. “Hurry up and cover it up before you knock us all out!” he added, turning Kim’s cheeks ever so slightly more red as she squirmed on the stool.
She then lowered her feet towards the boots, dipping both sets of toes into the gunge at the same time and grimacing as she did. It wasn’t clear if she was playing it up for the cameras, or if it was just how she felt, but the look on her face was quite a picture, and certainly expressed disgust very well. She continued to lower her feet into the boots, causing the gunge to overflow and slop down the sides, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that she now had to take hold of the back of the boots to help bend her foot around and tug them on snugly. She glanced down at her gunge-coated fingers and held them to her nose for a sniff, before faking a gag and wiping them on her t-shirt. “That’s grim,” she muttered, her face still frowning as she felt the gunge squelching around her bare feet.
“I don’t think she liked that,” said Dave, laughing, as Kim nodded in agreement. “She might like it even less in a bit, because it’s time for our final game!”
[ROUND FIVE: RAT RACE!]
The show returned with Dave stood next to two giant rats. On his left, wearing a brown rat costume with a yellow bow tie was Kim, and on his right, wearing a grey rat costume with a blue bow tie, was Camilla. The costumes consisted of a body piece with a tail, leg and arm holes, with a hood that came over the grown up’s head with a pointed rat nose, big ears and whiskers. Neither woman seemed too comfortable in their costume, and Kim looked especially uncomfortable with her gunge-filled boots.
“Welcome to the final round,” said Dave. “We’re here for the last time with both Kim and Camilla, because when this round is over, one of them will be going home very relieved, while the other goes somewhere much, much worse!”
Kim’s cheeks flushed just a little and she gave a rueful smile while Camilla winced uncomfortably at the thought. The brown rat shook her head, causing the rat whiskers to flop about in the most ridiculous fashion.
Dave held up a small blue ball, about the size of a ping pong ball, but with the look of a tennis ball to it. He tossed it up and down a few times and then patted Kim on the back with it, letting go as the ball clung to her costume. “Our rats will be running through the labyrinth behind me in a minute, trying to avoid getting too many of these balls stuck to them. Matt and Vicky will be doing their utmost to make sure that plenty of these balls do get stuck to their partners, because each ball stuck to a rat of the right colour at the end of the game is not worth ten points, but it’s worth twenty points instead, so this is going to be a really high-scoring game !” Dave took the ball off of Kim as the camera panned around to show Matt and Vicky sat on turrets of a sort a few feet away, each armed with a cannon loaded with plenty of the same balls in yellow and blue, respectively.
“Give us a wave, you two,” called Dave as the contestants gladly obliged, waving back from their vantage points. “Kim and Camilla will have to be fast on their feet to keep ducking and diving around our labyrinth and, they’ll hope, to stay out of the way of those blasters! It won’t hurt, but it’ll hurt their scores and we all know how much is riding on this game!” He then looked to Kim, then to Camilla, “Now, you two, you’ll both be in there at the same time, but I don’t want any pushing and shoving! Keep it clean!”
Camilla nodded while Kim flashed a grin and made claws of her hands towards Camilla while the blonde just pouted back at her.
“Haven’t you got enough to worry about with my boots slowing you down?” asked Dave.
“I’ll cope,” replied the red-haired Geordie. “I mean she’s got a good lead on me already, I’m sure I can stop the gap closing too tightly!”
Dave blinked, “Someone sure feels confident, don’t they? We’ll see how sure you are of yourself at the end of the game!” He laughed and then glanced around, “And speaking of, it seems like everyone’s ready, so let’s not hang about any longer!”
He stepped back, ushering Kim and Camilla into the maze and then locked the door behind them. “You’ve got ninety seconds,” he explained as the Kim moved to the left and Camilla to the right, ready to rush off, “So let’s start the final game in three, two, one! Go, go, go!”
The two rats ran off in their separate directions as soon as Dave gave the instruction. Both women knew what was at stake and, despite Kim having a much lower points tally coming into this round, she was at a disadvantage and she knew that such a scoreline could easily be overturned, so she wasn’t going to take anything for granted now! Matt and Vicky started firing from their turrets, they weren’t close to start, but it did take a little bit of playing around to get used to the cannon, which loaded every few seconds, so that the adults wouldn’t be buried under suppression fire from the two.
Kim was certainly having a worse time of it than her rival, as the labyrinth was difficult enough thanks to the bulky rat costume, but with over-sized gunge-filled wellies too, the red-haired woman was struggling more with some of the obstacles than she would otherwise. The boots would squelch with each step she took, and she could feel the cool, wet gunge sloshing around her bare feet, between her toes and beneath her soles every time she moved, as well as the sensation of it lapping against her bare leg, sometimes slopping up her shin towards her knees. It was sticky and it clung to her skin, but inside the boot it was slippery, and it felt as if she could lose her footing within the boot somehow, making for an unnerving and strange sensation with which she was struggling to cope. The obstacles in the maze were of a fairly basic nature, some ramps, blocks to climb over, bars to duck under, but the costume made them all that much more difficult, and so she wasn’t moving too smartly at all. Matt, on the other hand, was getting quite handy with his cannon and his step-sister’s back was soon peppered with yellow balls that clung on to the fur surprisingly well, even as she brushed against walls and obstacles in the maze.
The maze was quite a size, taking up almost all of the studio floor for this final game, and it was full of winding corners and dead ends. Camilla wasn’t find it easy to navigate, but it wasn’t as if she was trying to get anywhere, just to keep moving and stay out of Vicky’s firing line. The teenager was having a little more difficulty in getting used to the cannon, but she’d managed a few hits and her mother’s back was sporting plenty of blue now. Camilla ducked under a beam and around a corner to find a balance beam across a shallow pool of green goo. Even through the noise of the audience, she could be heard to groan as she stepped up on to the beam, finding it harder to balance while wearing the bulky costume. She moved slowly across the beam, taking care not to slip, but could feel a few hits to her back as she moved along, knowing she was an exposed, easy target for her daughter. At the far end she hopped down and rushed off once more, following spiral section that made her a much more difficult target to hit, though her rat nose, which always pointed up, made it easy enough to follow and Vicky even managed to get a ball stuck to the schnoz!
Camilla then had to clamber up a slope, which, again, left her back exposed to Vicky, and once over, she ran around a corner and found herself face-to-face with Kim, whose costume was already a bit gungy somehow. The red-haired woman smiled, seemingly pleased to see Vicky, as if she was a friendly face here and not a rival, but the narrow corridors in the maze made it hard for the two to pass each other by. The costumes were heavily padded, so they could be squashed and squashed they were as the two women pressed up against each other and tried to move around, which seemed to be working alright until Kim stood on Camilla’s tail, yanking the blonde back as she fell onto her bum, the costume’s head pushing into Kim and sending the Geordie staggering forwards and on to her knees. The gunge in the boots slopped out, pooling around Kim’s knees on the inflatable surface as she tried to get back up. Camilla scrambled to her feet first and rushed off, followed by a string of blue projectiles courtesy of Vicky.
Kim made it to her feet, the boots now slicked with gunge and her knees and shins coated too, but she pushed off, heading in direction that Camilla had come from. She made it up and down the ramp without too much difficulty before finding herself face-to-face with the balance beam. She stepped on to it, took another step and slipped, falling haplessly to the side and into the pool. The green gunge slopped all over her legs and soaked through the bum and crotch of the once-brown rat costume, while also mixing with the gunge in her boots. She gave a bit of a squeal and then stood back up, finding that the gunge was about on a par with the top of her boots as she waded through to the other side, her movements ensuring that the boots were filled up once again, much to Kim’s chagrin. She pulled herself out, spilling gunge on the floor and felt her costume now heavier, all while Matt was having field day, covering Kim’s back in yellow.
Camilla had found herself in the very centre of the maze, an open circle, with four entrances. She carried on running, heading for the one opposite, but as she passed through the middle of the maze a deluge of green gunge slopped down over her. She gave a shocked squeak and, with the gunge bouncing off of the rubber floor, she found her trainers slipping about as she struggled to stay on her feet. Landing on her backside again, she tried to wipe the soles of her trainers before getting back up and moving down the corridor towards a set of obstacles to duck under and over. She found another ramp, steeper than the last and grabbed the rope to climb up it, reaching the top only to be greeted by a pool of gunge below. She groaned and pushed off, sliding down and landing in the gunge again. This stuff was thick and green, and as she tried to get out, she found it pulling on her, threatening to take one of her trainers. She reached down to tug it back on, though the shoe was full of gunge now, and then got out of the pool, carrying on.
She cleared a corner and ran into Kim again, the pair colliding with a bit of a squelch and bouncing off of each other. Camilla was the first up, and she tried clambering over her rival, much to Kim’s annoyance. After a bit of yelling, the Geordie grabbed her ankle, trying to slow her down and as Camilla tried to pull free, Kim ended up yanking off her trainer.
“Hey!” shouted Camilla, “Give it back!”
“No!” shouted Kim with a laugh as she threw it over the wall to somewhere else in the maze. She then blew a raspberry at the blonde and rushed off, leaving her in one trainer and gunge-soaked ankle sock. Camilla limped off into the maze and took a few more turns, winding up back in the centre. She clung to the sides, going for the nearest exit, but the overhead sprayer still went off and she still got a bit of a splattering this time.
Kim had gone around the corner and found the pool of gunge that Camilla had faced, but with no way to get up the steep slope, she had to turn around and head back. She found herself in the centre of the maze too and rushed through the green deluge, ducking around a corner and finding herself facing a series of obstacles to climb over and under. She worked her way through, doing a surprisingly good job, given the costume, boots and slimy coating, and at the end, she turned a corner to find herself on the outside run of the maze, with a straight section ahead of her. As the audience started counting down the last ten seconds she ran on, past the point where they had entered earlier, all the while trying to avoid being hit too many times by her step-brother. She dove down a corridor and then found herself faced with set of tires laid out over the floor. Kim shook her head and tried to cross them as well as the boots would allow her until she caught her foot inside one of them, losing the boot completely as she fell forwards, landing on her front. Fortunately the rat costume stopped any injury but she suffered a few more hits to the back as she tried to get up, just in time for the buzzer to sound and end the game. She pulled herself up, clambered over the ties and then made her way back to the maze entrance, limping along with just the one boot and a gungy bare foot.
She stood there, waiting to be freed as Dave, Vicky and Matt approached after the contestants had been helped down from their turrets. As she waited, Camilla approached her from behind, having found her trainer, and also something else.
“Lose something?” asked the grey rat, holding up the half-filled boot.
Kim smirked and shrugged her shoulders, “I doubt I need it now.”
Well, you certainly still deserve it,” replied Camilla as she held the top of the boot open and slung it at Kim, throwing the green gunge into her face as the Geordie staggered back and spluttered. Kim brought her hands up to scrape the gunk from her face, her mouth wide open in shock.
“Now, now, ladies,” called Dave as he approached. “Calm down you two.”
Camilla smirked, “That was for nicking my trainer!”
“Did you see what she did, like?” asked Kim, her cheeks red as she glanced down at her remaining boot.
Dave nodded, “I did, and I approve. You left my boot behind in there, Camilla’s just returning it, and I for one am grateful!” He laughed as Camilla nodded, looking a little bit pleased with herself. “But don’t think it’ll earn you any favours my dear, I’m still counting up those scores the same as normal, and we’ll start with you!”
He opened the gate and led Camilla out, beckoning her across to a stool underneath Vicky’s gun turret. Dave removed the couple from her hood and rat nose first, before letting her lower the hood. She was very red-faced, still a little out of breath from the chaotic game and she looked glad to be sat down right now. Dave kept on counting, finding plenty of small blue balls stuck to the costume. “Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,” he counted, catching Camilla’s eye and smiling without breaking stride, “And remember, these are each worth twenty points! Hah!”
“Twenty-eight and one more, that’s twenty nine,” said Dave, standing back up, satisfied that he’d found them all. “That’s a whopping great total of five hundred and eighty points! Fantastic work Vicky, you can be very pleased with that and I reckon your mum’s scared now – all of the blood’s drained from her face!”
Dave wasn’t wrong, either, the redness in Camilla’s cheeks was gone and she looked considerably paler now, sat on the stool and suddenly aware that here earlier lead of a hundred points was almost nothing compared to the score Vicky had picked up in this game. She brought her hands up, burying her face into them and then brushing her hair back behind her ears. She gave a bit of a drawn out groan as she looked up, peeking at the camera before blushing and shutting her eyes.
“Ooh, she’s not happy, is she?” teased Dave as he moved to the other side where Kim was sat under Matt’s turret. She’d kicked off her other boot now and was sat with gunge dripping from her bare toes. She smiled at Dave as he approached. “Of course, if Vicky can score that many then there’s no reason why Matt can’t – you could be off the hook yet, Camilla!”
The mother looked up, not looking too sure as she shook her head. She looked on with keen interest, trying to count the yellow balls on Kim’s costume herself, to work out whether or not she’d be escaping the worst of it today.
As before, Dave took the ones from the hood first, finding just the two on the back, tugging the hood down as Kim’s vibrant red hair was set free. “Just two?” she asked, smirking, “That’s not bad at all!”
Dave scoffed, “There’s plenty more here,” he said, plucking one from her back and carrying on counting as she swung her bare legs beneath her on the stool. “Twelve, thirteen, fourteen,” said Dave as he carried on counting, all the while, Kim was sat there, swinging her legs and fidgeting with her hair. The redhead had been energetic all through the show but right now, she was a nervous bundle of energy, she wouldn’t have been able to sit still if her life depended on it. “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine,” said Dave, looking over to Camilla, who was sat biting her bottom lip in the hope that Dave wasn’t done yet. “Thirty,” he said as the blonde’s eyes widened – there was hope for her yet!
“Thirty-one,” continued Dave, “Thirty-two, and one hiding down here – thirty-three! That’s a whopping great score of six hundred and sixty points! Fantastic work Matt!” Matt started cheering as Kim carried on swinging her legs and grinning nervously. Dave pulled out a camera, “In fact, that’s so good, I want a picture of Kim to remember it by,” he said as the redhead’s face made it clear that she knew what was about to happen. Dave and Matt backed away as the host held up his camera, “Say cheese, Kim!”
Kim tensed up, bracing herself for what to come. It was obvious enough, but she had a brief moment to consider that Dave had set this up incredibly well – he’d got her sat on the stool, then he’d pulled down the hood, and now, she just had to say the magic word, and she’d be covered in yellow goo. Kim just had to hope it didn’t smell like blue cheese, but seeing Dave in position, the redhead flashed her biggest over-the-top grin at him and shouted back, “Cheese!”
As soon as the word left her lips a downpour of green gunge came hammering down from the underside of Matt’s gun tower. This wasn’t a conventional gunge tank with a pressure hose or nozzle to produce a stream, it was just a box full of gunge with a hinged opening, so that the whole thing was over as quickly as it started, the entire tank emptying itself in just a second or two. It may not have lasted too long, but the effect was spectacular, as hundreds of litres of gunge coated the redhead in those few seconds, leaving her hair, her rat costume and her bent bare knees and legs completely covered in a layer of thick green slime. The gunge had a slightly translucent quality to it and it was very sticky, clinging to Kim’s features and legs, dangling down like snotty tendrils from her thighs and chin.
It was far thicker than the green gunge used during the game, and having been dumped in such a way, it created quite a sight to behold, and a slow motion replay gave the audience a chance to relive that moment. The gunge fell almost like a sheet, with most of it landing on top of Kim, but even that which missed her added to the event by hitting the floor, some of it bouncing back up or splashing around to make the whole thing look utterly explosive. Even Kim, who knew it was coming, found herself caught out by the way in which the gunge was delivered, the shock evident on her face and her wide open mouth as she sat there, covered, with the last of the gunge in the tank dripping slowly down over her. She brought her hands up to her face, wiping her eyes and mouth, before looking towards Dave and shaking her head, “I don’t think this is cheese,” she said, finally.
“I sure hope not,” replied Dave, laughing to himself, “If it is, it’s definitely gone off!”
Kim gave an embarrassed laugh and nodded her head, as the camera then panned to show Matt watching his step-sister’s squirming with a grin. And squirm she did. Despite the gunging lasting just a couple of seconds, the force with which the deluge came down had pushed the gunge into Kim’s costume and she could feel some of it running down her back. In those short few seconds, she’d wound up with gunge all over her hair and face, her arms, legs and even feet, with just a hint of bright red nail polish showing through the coating of gooey green gunge that now covered the twenty-five year old red-haired Geordie. She had stopped swinging her legs, and let them just hang down, so snotty strings of goo dangled from her toes beneath her, having displaced the stuff that had been in Benson’s Boots completely. She shuddered and wiped her face again, her cheeks almost as red as her hair, but with a bemused smile plastered across her face too.
“But,” said Dave, “There’s still the all-important matter of those final scores!” He smiled and clapped his hands together, “Oh, yes, the show is far from over, and for one of these two women, it’s about to get a whole lot worse!”
Kim didn’t really look like she thought she could get much worse right now, but her smile vanished, a slight look of concern replacing it as she looked towards Dave. The two contestants seemed unaware of the scores, they obviously hadn’t been keeping track, but as the camera switched to Camilla, the blonde-haired woman looked paler than ever. She knew the difference going into this game, and she’d heard her score and Kim’s, and she knew that it was a close run, but she hadn’t quite done enough. Of course, it wasn’t official until Dave announced it and she was hoping for some kind of miracle – a bonus for Matt, or maybe an infringement that Vicky had made somewhere that could result in a deduction – anything that might help her case.
“So, after that outrageously high-scoring affair, Matt’s scored an awesome total of one thousand, one hundred and sixty points!” shouted Dave, as Matt cheered and his step-sister shut her eyes, curling her bare toes as she crossed her fingers and held them up either side of her head. “But Vicky’s just about held onto her lead, scoring one thousand, one hundred and ninety points, meaning that Camilla’s going through to the Gunk Dunk!”
“Yes!” shouted Kim, reacting faster than even Vicky, the gunge-covered redhead breaking into a fit of relieved laughter as she started swinging her legs beneath her again.
Vicky had been caught out by how quickly Kim responded, but she was all smiles too, pointing and laughing at her mum as Camilla just hid her face behind her hands once more, wishing she could be anywhere else in the world right now.
“We’ll be back to you in a minute,” said Dave, motioning to the blue team, before turning to face Matt and Kim. “As for you, Matt, you didn’t quite give your step-sister the dunking she clearly deserves, but you did manage to give her a couple of gungings and I think even she’s going to learn from an experience like that, right?”
Kim nodded enthusiastically, looking towards Matt with an encouraging smile. “I promise, Dave, I will, because I don’t ever wanna come back here!”
“I’m sure you don’t!” replied Dave, laughing as Kim tried to wipe her face again. “Matt, have you had a good time?”
The boy nodded his head, not looking too dejected by his failure to get his step-sister in the slop, “I have Dave, thanks,” he added.
Dave clapped the boy on his shoulder, “And if she doesn’t change her embarrassing ways, you just give me a call, right?” He handed Matt a business card from his pocket, emblazoned with the GYOB logo on one side and Dave’s signature on the rear. “That’s my direct line!”
“Got it,” replied Matt, laughing a little as Kim’s eyes widened.
“I’ll be good, I promise!” she said, laughing and flicking a bit of gunge in Matt’s direction.
Dave chuckled and rubbed his hands together, “But don’t go far, you two, because it’s time for my favourite part of the show and I’m sure neither of you will want to miss it!” . Both Dave and the camera moved across the studio to where a very red-faced Camilla was still sat on her stool beside her beaming daughter. She winced, shaking her head and looking extremely sorry for herself as Dave placed his hand on her shoulder, “She knows what it’s time for!” he exclaimed, “And so does her daughter, because Camilla’s in for a thriller as we go through to… THE GUNK DUNK!”
[THE GUNK DUNK!]
The title card faded away revealing a close up on the surface of the gunge. Those same two colours, dark blue and bright orange, were a strong contrast to each other and were stirred against each other in swirls and zig-zag lines. The surface of the gunk was remarkably smooth, almost as if it was solid, and while the gunge colours were strong enough to be seen through it, there was a mist hanging over the whole thing that added to how ominous it looked. The camera zoomed in towards the gunge for a second and then swung back up, revealing the full set of the newly designed Gunk Dunk for the first time.
The show had gone back to older eras, borrowing heavily from the first and second series in terms of design and appearance, to contribute to the show’s re-design, aimed at a slightly older audience and with a slightly darker edge. The abundance of mess and ridiculous scores had been included to help put the grown-ups on the back foot throughout the whole show, and the new design for the Gunk Dunk was a further step in making sure that anyone found sat over it would be far from comfortable. The whole area, held secretly behind the main stage and now broadcast to the audience via the screens, was undeniably dark and grimy, every bit in keeping with the post-apocalyptic scenario that had been set up at the start of the show. If the whole show had looked like it was taking place in some kind of industrial warehouse or bunker, this area was made to look like the crypts or sewers, as it gave the impression of being a man-made stone cavern. The walls were dark brick, covered in grime and graffiti, and the overhead studio lights came slightly tinged with dark green, to further add to the affair. Around the place were smaller pipes and valves on walls, adding to the sewer vibe, and, in the centre, sunk most of the way into the floor was the Gunk Dunk.
From the outside it looked like it was made from metal, the round shape lending the imagination of water towers, and its rusted exterior suggested it had been down here for a long time. It was mostly dark grey steel, with flecks of brown and red from the rust, and the mist was billowing from a pipe just slightly off to one side, pouring it out over the surface of the vat. Other pipes ran around the outside, like a perimeter fence of a sort, and, overhead there were plenty more pipes, all ominously hanging over the mire. Were they a decoration, or did each one contain a load of gruesome goo for the victim? Only time would tell.
Dave was stood to the right of the Gunk Dunk, he had something akin to a judge’s bench in front of him, along with a gavel, a dark red robe and a wig. To the left was Vicky, dressed in her GYOB uniform and stood next to a contraption that came about a metre out from the wall. It was a large, rectangular shape, with some dimly glowing buttons to one side, along with a large circular crank valve in the middle. To the right of it was a lever that was just below Vicky’s head and pointed upwards into the dark.
And in the middle of it all was Camilla. The thirty-something mother looked mortified just to be here, sat on this seat, pale as a sheet, and entirely shocked by the events unfolding before her. Her toes tapped nervously on the seat’s foot rest, her nails the same icy blue as her fingernails, a bright contrast to even her pale skin and they were bright even under these dark lights, too. Her platinum blonde had been left straight, tucked behind her ears and down her back, and her t-shirt and shorts gave a good outline of her slender frame without being figure-hugging. Her flawless skin seemed to glow under the green-tinged lights, but somewhere between that green hue and the blue and orange goo below, Camilla looked very green around the gills. She was sat with her hands resting on her knees, her nails just slightly digging in to her delicate legs, leaving little white marks behind as the nerves took full control. Her eyes darted around and she couldn’t stop blinking, unable to concentrate on anything except the Gunk Dunk – that same vat of stomach-churning sludge that was the very last thing she wanted to look at – so while she looked away, she couldn’t help looking back just a second later. Her knees bounced up and down on the seat, and while she had been the less confident of the two throughout the show, Camilla, who had been relatively more restrained and less emotional, was now a very visible bundle of nerves and entirely unable to hold back at all now.
“Welcome, one and all,” said Dave, holding his arms out to the side, “To the court of GYOB, where justice is about to be done.” He nodded solemnly, “We have had two women brought before us today who have been found to be, frankly, awful, but now it transpires that one of them is just that bit more awful than the other, and she’s about to given her just desserts.” He smiled and gave another nod, this one a bit more enthusiastic, “Yes, here we have Camilla, about to take a dip in the chiller! How are you feeling, Cam?”
“Bad!” she shouted back, almost as if blurting out the first thing to come to mind. “This looks so, so revolting.” She pouted and swallowed a lump in her throat, knowing that her protestations were wasted here, but she couldn’t help making them.
“It IS revolting, my dear,” said Dave, “You’re quite right. Unfortunately for you, though, this is absolutely what you deserve and I know someone who agrees wholeheartedly – isn’t that right Vicky?”
With a nod of her head and a smile so wide it looked like it hurt, the teenage blonde made it clear that she was definitely on side with Dave. “One hundred percent,” she said, sticking her tongue out at her mum, “I cannot wait!”
“Me neither,” replied Dave, pulling some cards out from under his podium. “So let’s get this show on the road and get down to the business of dunking Camilla in the mucky stuff!”
The audience cheered as the mother cringed and shook her head, causing her hair to fly about, “Please don’t!”
Dave stopped and blinked, and then pulled a ridiculous face. “Do you even know where you are, my dear? This is Get Your Own Back, and you’re staring down the Gunk Dunk. ‘Please don’t’ doesn’t even come close to cutting it here! No amount of begging or pleading or promises will save you now, Cam, you’re about to get exactly what you deserve!”
Camilla sighed and bowed her head as Dave continued.
“So, we’re going to drag out Camilla’s torment just a little longer by asking her a series of questions. They’re all dead easy, so I’m sure she’ll get them right, but if she doesn’t know the answer, then what do we do with her? We…”
In one voice the audience shouted back, “Crank her up!”
“That’s it,” said Dave, motioning towards Vicky, “Vicky will turn that handle and crank up her mother! Behind our Cam is a ramp leading away and up into the darkness, and believe me, there’s some really nasty stuff in the darkness down here, so she won’t want to get any of these questions wrong, that’s for sure!” Dave smiled, and adjusted his wig, “And, once I’m done asking questions, Vicky will then take hold of that lever and give her weekend-wasting mother an experience she won’t want to re-enact any time soon by dunking her in the gunk! Oh, and, Camilla? This gunge was here at the end of the last series, so it might be a bit past its best before date, but I’m sure we’ll manage!”
Camilla knew he was just teasing, but she couldn’t help cringing at the words, and the thoughts that it put into her mind were awful. She imagined rotten vegetables and dairy that had been left to go off in the fridge at home, the look, the feeling of disgust and the smell, that foul, foul stench, and she genuinely wondered just how long this gunge had been sitting here if it could look so smooth and still like this. She whimpered a little and adjusted herself on the small seat, which seemed to be getting smaller and smaller with every passing second, as if she might accidentally move too much and end up falling straight into the muck on her own!
“So, if everyone’s ready,” said Dave, picking up his cards, “Our first question. Zinc finger protein 275 is known by which gene ID? Is it; A, 27081, B, 27085 or C, 27089?”
Camilla sat dumbstruck on the seat, her continuous blinking ceasing for just a moment as she turned her head to look at Dave in bewilderment. “What?”
“Do you want me to repeat the question?” asked Dave, bouncing up and down on the spot. “It’s dead easy, this one!”
“I don’t think I understood a single word you said,” replied Camilla as she gave her heaviest sigh yet. They weren’t playing fair with her, she knew that much, and she now had a one-in-three chance of picking the right answer. “I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head, “B, then.”
“B,” said Dave, relishing every second of having a contestant sat over the Gunk Dunk that he could tease properly, who wouldn’t reply with sass or indifference, but one that was genuinely nervous, and unable to hold back. “B is absolutely WRONG! Audience, she’s picked B, the answer was A, she should have known that, but I bet you all know this – What do we do with Camilla?”
“CRANK HER UP!” shouted the audience, barely letting Dave finish speaking before replying.
Vicky didn’t waste any time either, grabbing hold of the crank with both hands and spinning the wheel as fast as her arms would let her. There was a sound of groaning and creaking and then, lurching slightly, the chair began to rise up the ramp, away from the muck and towards the darkness. Camilla winced, shutting her eyes and bringing her hands up to cover her nose and mouth as she felt the chair rattle on its climb. Again, she knew she was safe, in this day and age of health and safety regulations, there was no way that this chair or the chain behind here was as rickety as they were making it out to be, but the whole thing was getting to her and she couldn’t shake the feelings it was causing. Perhaps she had spent too much time in fantasy worlds during her medieval re-enactments, and now she was far too willing to believe that utter fiction was real, but either way, the groans, the shakes, they felt real, and she couldn’t help but feel that little bit more nervous as a result.
The seat made its climb, moving maybe a metre or so back up the track. It was darker further up, as Dave had threatened, and there was a much greener tinge to the light now, all of which put Camilla further on edge as she fidgeted. Her hands were back on her knees, but she had her head bowed slightly, looking like she was fighting the urge to curl up into the foetal position at any moment.
“On to question two then,” said Dave, holding up the cards again. “The Tatar batman is an obsolete unit of measure , but to what tonnage was it equivalent? Was it; A, 12.4 tonnes, B, 16.4 tonnes or C, 18.4 tonnes?”
“Batman?” Camilla mouthed to herself and then huffed, “Oh, whatever. C, then.”
“I’m afraid it was B,” replied Dave, smirking. “And I bet everyone at home knew that, too!”
Without needing any encouragement this time, the audience shouted out in one voice, “CRANK HER UP!”
Vicky grabbed the handle again and started cranking, as the same creaking noise was heard once more.
“I really must oil that,” muttered Dave to no-one in particular.
Camilla’s chair rose further back, heading another metre or so up the ramp and away from the gunge, sending the blonde woman right up into the darker reaches of the studio. The only light on her now was green, and it was angled on either side of the ramp, just ahead of her, so that it lit up Camilla from below, drawing out shadows across her face and top. Her bare toes, curled over the lip of the foot rest were lit up, by their proximity to the light, looking very green and eerie, they almost seemed to reflect the light, as if glowing on their own. The camera took a close up of her face, the green light was far from flattering and Camilla’s nerves were forcing her into a rather embarrassed smile, flashing her teeth which had a gruesomely green look to them too, thanks to the lighting, and all she could do was brush her hair back behind her ears as she awaited the final, fiendish question.
Dave cleared his throat. “A lubid-lubid is Filipino doughnut-like food, and its name means ‘little rope’, but by what other name is it more commonly known? Is it; A, Kumunkunsi, B, Shakoy, or C, Binangkal?”
Dave’s pronunciation was a bit shaky, but Camilla knew it wasn’t going to make a difference to anything now. She’d guessed wrongly at the previous two questions, so she would guess at this one too and hope for the best. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, her palm blocking the light from streaming onto her face for just a moment before she took a breath. “Erm, A, Dave.” she said after a pause.
“It was B!” shouted Dave, his voice full of glee. “She’s wrong again, she’s got them all wrong, she’s done a lot wrong to Vicky and it’s about time to set that right. Audience, let’s do this one last time, what do we do with Camilla?”
“CRANK HER UP!” they shouted back, louder than ever.
Camilla hid her face behind her hands, curling her toes around he footrest and bracing herself for the final climb. Vicky grabbed the handle and started cranking it, causing the chair to groan and slowly begin its ascent. The chair moved back a bit as the green lights that had previously lit up Camilla faded it, leaving the woman in complete darkness.
In the darkness, Camilla suddenly felt very vulnerable. The chair still groaned and as it clunked into its final stop at the top of the ramp, she gave a little squeak, tapping her chest with her hand as if trying to still her rapidly beating heart. From up here, she couldn’t see herself, all she could see was the Gunk Dunk, looming large ahead of her. The sides of the stage where Dave and Vicky were stood were hidden from her view, and, through the swirling mists, she could make out the blue and orange morass of foul sludge ahead of her. She tapped her toes against the foot plate and bit down on her bottom lip, squirming uncontrollably atop the ramp, knowing what was coming next, and that, having reached the top of the ramp, it was now going to be that much worse than before.
Of course, just because couldn’t see Dave, it didn’t mean that she couldn’t hear him.
“Vicky, she might be out of sight now, but this is your mum, Camilla, who drags you along to all of these medieval weekends, she wastes your time on them and doesn’t let you join in, it’s an absolute bore and you just want it to be over! She’s used to spending her time dressing up in finery and acting like a princess, so now it’s your turn to treat her to a nightmare that she’ll wish was over, and one that will feel longer than any boring weekend!” Dave lifted his judge’s hammer, “Vicky, your mother has been found guilty and is now sentenced to take a plunge in the gunge, a drop in the slop… a dunk… in the gunk! Revenge is a dish best served cold, and so is justice – Vicky, do the honours, pull that lever, and GET YOUR OWN BACK!” He slammed the hammer down on the gavel and then started hitting it frantically as Vicky reached up to the lever with both hands and yanked it straight down.
An industrial light flickered on above the bottom of the ramp, accompanied by an electronic hum as it powered up. It was bright white, there was no tinge of green to it, and it pierced the mist to show up the gunge to be every bit as disgusting as suggested. Another industrial clunk sounded, followed by an electric hum as a second light came to life above the first notch on the ramp, then the second and, finally, the third, illuminating Camilla for all to see.
She wasn’t all though, and as she sat there, her eyes wide and her mouth even wider open, the camera switched to one between her heels, catching a glimpse of her soft, pale feet and her painted toes pointing down the ramp. More than that, though, it captured the sheer array of nozzles and hoses lining the side of the ramp, some low, some high, some pointing up the ramp, some across it, but all of them pointing towards the centre of the ramp in some capacity, to ensure that any unfortunate victims would pass through their onslaught on their way down.
Forcing her mouth shut, Camilla shook her head in disbelief. Every time she thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did, and this was the final trick they had up their sleeves for her. As she swallowed another lump in her throat, a loud klaxon began to blare, and there was a grinding noise behind Camilla’s seat. The blonde didn’t turn to look, but instead brought her hands up to her face, covering her mouth and nose with them again as some of the nearest nozzles started to spray, assaulting her bare legs and feet with a multitude of jets of coloured gunk, bright pinks and blues and yellows on one side, while oranges, reds and greens slathered the other. She gave a hopeless whimper as nozzles further down the ramp started firing up too, creating brightly coloured streams that fired this way and that, like a tangled net.
The seat groaned once more as the chain started to loose itself, letting Camilla trundle forwards. She moved slowly to begin, feeling the jets gradually creeping higher, past her knees, splattering her top, her arms and her hands, and, finally, her face. The higher ones were angled well, ensuring her face and hair were gunged, with some even in such a position so as to spray the sides of her head, even blasting her ears as she passed through. Her feet were easily the messiest part of her, bearing the brunt of the nozzles as she rolled down the ramp, with her legs turning a million shades of multicoloured muck. Reaching the halfway point, the chair started moving faster, so that as she pushed through the gungy barrage, Camilla was picking up speed. She moved her hands away from her mouth, holding them up futilely to try to repel the jets, without any success whatsoever. At the bottom of the ramp a dozen jets began firing upwards, to be met by a dozen firing down from above, creating a series of white gunge streams that Camilla hurtled through, catapulted forwards by the tipping chair and flying face-first into the mire below!
Camilla really did go in face-first, too, the chair tilting her enough that her forehead was the first part of her to break the surface of the gunge, following by the rest of her head, her hair and shoulders and then the rest of her body, her legs and feet being the last parts of her body to disappear from view. The gunge churned with her movements and its once-still surface had been well and truly disturbed, where it had seemed to have set with a glossy sheen, it now looked wet and gooey, the gunge beneath the surface every bit as thick as suggested, but far less liquid than expected. The whole thing seemed to have sucked Camilla into itself greedily, and given how much the muck was moving, she was obviously fighting to get back out of it!
Eventually the woman’s head emerged, protruding quickly from the gunge, covered in the thick orange and blue sludge as she opened her mouth wide in a gasp, desperate for fresh air in her lungs after lingering below the surface. She tried to blink, but found that the gunge was so thick that she couldn’t open her eyes, so as she slowly rose up, out of the gunge, Camilla brought her hands up to scrape the goop from her eyes. She was wholly unrecognisable, with neither a patch of blonde hair visible, nor any blue from her t-shirt. Even her nails, so brightly blue and iridescent earlier in the show were now buried beneath their coating of gunk, too. It took a few seconds for her to stand up fully, and the gunge came just past her navel, the surface of the vat lapping against Camilla’s already-soaked tap as she tried to wade forwards.
As she did, a deluge of lilac gunge poured down over her in a wide column, engulfing her head and most of her body, adding to the slimy coating already on Camilla as she staggered through. She struggled on, moving out of the deluge to wipe her face again, brushing back her hair that had been matted to her head, and trying to shake the gunge from her hands. She could get rid of some, but as she tried to scrape it off, she just transferred it from hand to hand and so, each time she tried to wipe her face, she’d just end up smearing the gunge around again. She gave a dejected sigh, slumping a little as she tried scraping it from her ears, only to be met by almost deafening laughter and cheering. Even among the many voices, she recognised Vicky’s instantly and could tell that her daughter was in stitches, laughing uncontrollably as Camilla struggled to come to terms with her gungy predicament.
“Oh, take a look at her,” teased Dave, cackling wickedly from his side of the stage. “She’s not happy about that at all, and who can blame her? It’s absolutely vile down there, and she is covered in the stuff!” He turned to face the clean member of the blue team instead, “Vicky my dear, please tell me you’re loving every second of this as much as I am!”
“Absolutely,” enthused the blonde-haired teenager. “This is amazing! It is easily the best day of my life and I cannot wait to get pictures and videos of this!” She giggled, “I will not stop talking about this, ever!”
Dave laughed as Camilla turned her head, looking up at her daughter, only for the teen to blow a raspberry at her mum. Camilla frowned and brought her hands up to try scraping the gunk from her face again, not that it was having much effect. She was able to scrape a little off with the tips of her nails, but that was pretty much it, just leaving tiny slivers of bare skin between the colourful gunk that was clinging tightly to her hair and skin. It would take more than just a shower for Camilla to feel clean again after this, especially the way that the gunge was sticking to her inside thighs and legs, squelching beneath her feet and oozing between her toes every time she moved.
“I am delighted to hear that,” said Dave, “And you’re right to not stop talking about it! You’ve got your own back on your mum, you’ve made her look absolutely ridiculous and given her the gunging of a lifetime – I think you should mention it morning, noon and night, and get a huge picture of her like that, to hang in every room of the house as a reminder!”
Camilla scoffed, her mouth open in shock as she looked to Dave. “Don’t encourage her,” she whimpered.
“You’re in no position to be giving orders, madam,” replied Dave. “But that is pretty much all the time we have for today, unfortunately! What a first show, though, massive thanks to both Vicky and Matt for helping us make this such a great show, and, of course, thanks to Camilla for giving us such a great gunging to enjoy, too!”
In the pit, Camilla shook her head, feeling far from appreciative of Dave’s thanks as she wallowed in the thick, gungy muck. She shivered, the adrenaline now wearing off as the coolness of the gunge took its place instead. She started to huddle herself, crossing her arms, rubbing her hands on her opposite arms and bouncing up and down on her toes to try and get warm.
“We’ll be back next week with two more equally deserving grown ups, to see who ends up in the slop, but for now, it’s thank you and goodbye. Bye-bye, everyone, bye-bye!” shouted Dave as he held his arms up above his head. Vicky was shown waving from her side of the stage and the camera than cut to Camilla. She looked up at it, pouting sadly, before giving a wave… only for a final deluge of grey sludge to splatter down over Camilla, the camera up close to catch her disgust perfectly as she gave a shocked scream, throwing her hands up over her face and grimacing as the grey goo slopped down over her.
It was a quick downpour, designed to get exactly that reaction, and once it was over, Camilla lowered her hands, glancing around herself in shock and then looking straight into the camera one final time. She gave a whine and pout, before bringing her hands up to her face, scraping the grey goo away and flinging handfuls of it down into the vat before bowing her head in defeat as the show came to an end…
!!
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