Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
It had been a couple of weeks since the Office hosted its first messy revenge event with Tanya the main star. After another vote to see which other naughty secretary may suffer a similar fate, there was going to be a second event and the bosses had hired Vicky Gomersall from Sky Sports to return and host the event. The bosses had also arranged for exclusive use of a local pub for its 80 employees to attend and watch the show.
“Hello, and welcome to the latest installment of what we now call ‘Slapstick Secretary’. My name is Vicky Gomersall and I am delighted to have been asked back to host this event.”
Vicky is wearing a sexy red dress with matching high heel shoes.
“Can I ask Chloe and Jessica to join me on stage?”
Grudgingly, both secretaries plod onto the stage and stand either side of Vicky. Chloe is wearing a blue shirt, black skirt, black stockings and black high heel shoes, whilst Jessica is wearing a very similar outfit except that her shirt was white.
“Welcome ladies. How do you both feel about today’s event?”
Chloe went first “I can’t believe that I am up for the vote again. I really hope it’s not me, as I’m only 19 and I don’t deserve to be messed up like Tanya was last week.”
Jessica went next “I’m obviously not thrilled to be here again, but if it is me that is voted for, then I’ve gotten used to the idea over the last week, and so be it!”
Vicky smiled as she prepares to announce the result of the vote “The option of nothing to happen to either of you attracted just 7% of the vote. Jessica to be the star of the event received 9%. Chloe to be the star attracted 17% but by far the most voted for option with a staggering 67% was for both of you to be the subjects of today’s event.”
Chloe put her hands up to her face in shock, whilst Jessica shook her head but displayed a knowing wry grin, as if she knew that that was going to be the most likely outcome.
“Before we start, can you both strip to your underwear please.”
Reluctantly, both ladies took off their shirts and skirts to reveal sexy black and green lingerie for Chloe, and sexy black lingerie for Jessica. The employees clapped wildly as they ogled the scantily clad secretaries.
Vicky then raises the arms of Jessica and secures her wrists into a pair of dangling handcuffs overhead, and then repeats the same for Chloe. Both ladies are now helpless as Jessica notices that there are another pair of handcuffs that are dangling down from the overhead beam. “Who are the other handcuffs for?” she quizzingly asked.
“I am pleased you asked me about that, as I’m just getting to that part.” Vicky raises her voice “Is it anyone’s birthday today?”
There was a bit of initial silence from the employees before a middle aged blonde woman raises her hand.
“Please come and join us”
The woman had her hair bunched up on her head, and was wearing a revealing yellow knitted top, black skirt, black stockings and high heel shoes.
She nervously stood next to Vicky “Its Sally isn’t it?”
“Yes”
“And which department do you work in?”
“I am one of the Marketing team leaders.”
“Ok. As it is your birthday today, the bosses have nominated you to join Chloe and Jessica”
“W-w-What?”
Before Sally could do anything else Vicky quickly raises her arms and secured both her wrists into the handcuffs above.
“Oh no, I can’t believe this is happening.”
“You better believe it Sally! Now before we get properly started, we’ll be having a 15 minute break so that anyone who wants to, can get more drinks from the bar.
The underwear-clad Chloe and Jessica, and the fully clothed Sally squirm in their handcuffs as all eyes are on them, with lots of the employees starting to imagine what kind of mess they will be subjected to.
Chloe nervously looks to her left as she sees buckets of melted chocolate being brought onto the stage and being put down next to the 3 shackled ladies….
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
“Welcome back! My name is Sarah-Jane Mee and here to my right is my assistant host Carla Brown.”
“Hi Carla. I see that you have come dressed as a sexy officer from Star Trek. Can you explain why?”
“Yes. It was on this day in 1979 that the first Star Trek film was released in North America. I am a bit of a sci-fi fan, so I thought I would dress up for the occasion.”
“Fair enough! Is this going to be a recurring theme throughout these shows, that you dress up in uniforms?”
Carla winks “Maybe! We’ll see how it goes!”
Sara-Jane turned to the camera.
“In part 1 last time, we announced the first 8 celebrities who will be taking part in the Ultimate Xmas CSWL, and which teams they have been paired with. Let’s find out who the next 3 are:”
Karen Brady (Fulham), Karen Gillan (Huddersfield) and Lucy Verasamy (Leicester)
Karen B is the oldest competitor at 49 years old and has been awarded the CBE for services to entrepreneurship. The vice chairman of West Ham will most likely change allegiances to Fulham over the festive period in the hope it will save her from getting slopped.
Karen G is the second Karen to be involved in the show. She is also the second ex-Doctor Who assistant to be announced as a contestant. The 31 year old Scot will be praying that Huddersfield don’t come second in any of their games.
Weathergirl Laura is planning on a mess-free Xmas. The 38 year old’s plans do however heavily rest on how good Leicester play. Will there be showers afoot for Laura, and will they be of the gunge variety?”
Sarah-Jane started to shake her head “The team allocation hasn’t been kind to the Karen’s. Karen B has Fulham (currently in last place) and Karen G has Huddersfield (currently in 17th).”
Carla chuckled “I think it’s highly likely that we’ll see at least one of the Karen’s coming last in one of the rounds.”
Two men dressed as aliens suddenly enter the stage and stand either side of Carla.
Sarah-Jane queried “Hello, and who may you be?”
“We are Klingons and our mission is to seek out any Starfleet members and give them a punishment they deserve.”
Carla smiles to the camera to suggest that this had been pre-planned, as the Klingons lock arms with Carla and walk her to a nearby pillory and proceed to lock her hands and head in the device. This means Carla is bending slightly forward due to the position of the holes for her head and hands. Both Klingons pick up a bucket of slimey green alien gunge each and pour them simultaneously over Carla’s head. Carla gasps as her head is engulfed. Her pigtails drip with gunge and gunge streams down her pretty face.
The camera pans back to Sarah-Jane “Whilst the Klingons have their fun, let’s announce our next 3 contestants”
24 year old Maya is a television and radio presenter. She can currently be heard on Radio 1 on Fridays and Saturdays, and will be hoping Liverpool score plenty of goals.
The first of 3 Michelle’s in the show is Michelle J. The 25 year old is the only Australian contestant and is both a hurdler and a model. No doubt she will expect her Man City team to jump all over their opponents to bring back 4 wins for her.
Michelle K is an actress and ex-Coronation Street star. I am sure that the 31 year old brunette will be most happy with being paired with Man Utd, and hopes it will be enough to save her from the gunge.
The camera pans back to pillory where the Klingons are pouring more alien gunge over Carla’s head.
Sarah-Jane quips “I’m not sure about Star Trek, it’s more like Slime Trek! Ha ha! Tune in again in a few days time when we will announce the final 6 contestants. Until then, goodbye!”
The pilloried Carla manages to raise her head slightly so that she can look into the camera “And it’s goodbye from me.” At that moment one of the Klingons smushes a creamy custard pie in her face, which makes the brunette squeal, and this is followed by the other Klingon spanking her bottom with another custard pie.
Thanks very much to Oobleck, who has commissioned this episode.
For the first time, this show will be posted in parallel on the WAM Library. Please note that even if you visit both sites, you can only cast one vote.
The characters in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
The introductory music plays and the show opens with the view from a camera mounted at the back of the stage, focussed on the excited faces and clapping hands of the audience. The camera zooms out slightly, taking in the full extent of the packed auditorium, and then moves downward towards the stage, until the infamous pool of sludge comes into view. Interestingly, the contents are almost entirely a soft white colour, and more intriguingly still, at the near end, between the pool and the giant catapult, an ornate archway has been erected.
The viewers have no time to inspect further, however, because at that moment the audience’s eager clapping turns into outright screams and cheers. A switch between cameras reveals the cause: Natalie and Clara emerging from the red- and blue-rimmed archways respectively. They stand at the top of their staircases, grinning and waving to the audience, then descend towards the stage. This week, Natalie has opted for a red leather catsuit, which is unzipped to the navel (a recurring theme with her), displaying her boobs to the outer limits of decency. Her blonde hair is tied up in a beehive. Clara, meanwhile, is attired in a body stocking which, at first glance, offers no covering except sparse rows of tassels, causing many admirers to dive for the pause button as the tassels swish with her movements. The armchair pervs are to be disappointed, however; the stocking is in fact opaque and flesh-coloured.
The two presenters cross to the front of the stage, greeting each other with a high five.
Natalie: Hello! Ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, a very good evening to you! She is Clara Quick!
Clara: And she is Natalie Lloyd!
Natalie: [with solemn intonation] We are gathered here tonight to witness…
Clara: …The joining of two people in unholy acrimony…
Natalie: …As they make their solemn vow…
Clara: …To participate in pressured, perplexing and punitive games…
Natalie: …To dutifully deliver flans unto frauds…
Clara: …To face the righteous judgement of the studio audience…
Natalie: …And so, to put their grudge for once and for all asunder…
Clara: …the loser shall be so consigned to our sticky, slimy sludge!
Natalie: [reverting to her normal voice] Ooo, that sounded very posh and proper! But in case you think you’ve tuned in to Songs of Praise by mistake, be assured that this is Grudge-2-Sludge, the nation’s number-one score-settling show!
Clara: I don’t think we’d get away with outfits like this on Songs of Praise, Nat. Anyway folks, as you may have worked out by now, the wedding bells are ringing out in tonight’s episode!
Natalie: But those harmonious chimes are in danger of turning into a big ding-dong!
Clara: You see, we’ve been contacted by two soon-to-be-weds who’ve tied themselves in knots over tying the knot!
Natalie: So let’s bring our first feuding fiancée down the aisle, or more precisely, down the stairs! She’s 27 years old, she’s from Stirling in bonnie Scotland, she’s a sociology researcher and part-time yoga teacher, and she has a really long name which plays hell with our graphics. Please welcome, from the red corner, Juliette Sherrington-Kirkpatrick!
The audience cheers and whistles as a young woman emerges from the red-rimmed archway. Juliette’s slender and fairly tall figure is clad in a double-layer lace wedding dress, of which the sheer outer layer is embroidered with a floral pattern. The dress comes to above the knee, and as Juliette gracefully descends the stairs, the encircling camera reveals that it is cut away to the small of her pale-skinned back. Juliette’s hair is blonde and flowing, her face bears an impish air of mischief, and she is crowned with a hippie-style ring of red flowers – the only indication of her player colour. Reaching the bottom of the steps, she greets Natalie with a sweet smile.
Natalie: Juliette, hi there! Love the dress! Is that what you’ll be wearing on the big day?
Juliette: [surprised] No no! This is my casual dress! The dress I’ll be wearing for the ceremony will be full length, of course! [Breathlessly] It’s made of the finest chiffon and lace and it has a corset bodice and a ten-foot train and of course I’ll be wearing a veil with–
Natalie: Woah, woah! Enough detail! Not only is this not Songs of Praise, it’s not the Clothes Show either! Now, I understand that your grudge is against the one who you are due to wed. Is that correct?
Juliette: [face souring for the first time] I’m afraid so, Natalie. Her name is Bec!
Clara: Well let’s bring her out from the blue corner! Bec McAdam is 25 years old, also from Stirling, and works as a chef and part-time scuba instructor. Please give her a big welcome!
The audience cheers and whistles as the second contestant appears in the blue-rimmed archway. Bec’s brown hair is in an undercut style – shaved at the back and sides but longer on top, and she has a pleasant face with big brown eyes. She is slightly shorter than her fiancée and attired very differently: on her lower half she wears a pair of baggy surf shorts with a blue and white tie-dye pattern, while her tanned upper half (which is bustier than Juliette’s) is unclothed except for a blue string bikini top. Bec’s arms are heavily decorated with tattoos, and she has numerous smaller ones on her torso and legs. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Bec performs a flashy somersault and presents herself to Clara.
Clara: Woo! Hello Bec! I like the outfit! Very cool, very casual… but, uh…
Bec: What?
Clara: Well, I’m a bit confused. Juliette here is wearing her wedding gear, whereas you’re… not.
Bec: [in pantomime style] Oh yes ah am! [Bec has a stronger Scottish accent than Juliette]
Juliette: [sighing] I’m afraid this is the crux of our grudge.
Natalie: Oh? Tell us more!
Juliette: I will, Natalie, I will…
The customary video rolls. The scene is the interior of a high street bridal boutique, in which Juliette is standing in an elaborate wedding dress, while a prim-looking fitting assistant fusses around her with a tape measure. As Juliette raises her arm to allow an underarm measurement, her gaze becomes distant and dreamy. A thought-bubble pops out of her head, showing her and Bec in various exotic settings: a tropical beach, an open-air restaurant, a metropolitan Asian street…
Juliette: [voiceover] I’ve been with Bec for four great years.
In Thailand we did meet.
I feel so lucky to have found
A girl so kind and sweet.
The thought-bubble dissolves, and Juliette’s dreamy gaze returns to the here and now. As she adopts another stance at the request of the fitting assistant, Juliette looks directly into the camera and says:
Juliette: It fills me with such joy to say,
Next year we are to wed.
But now that planning’s underway…
The curtain on one of the fitting cubicles swishes open, and Bec waddles out. She is a wearing a wetsuit, scuba mask, and huge flippers.
Bec: How d’ye like it!?
The fitting assistant stares in bewilderment, while Juliette groans and puts her palm to her eyes.
Juliette:…It’s filling me with dread!
Next scene: Juliette and Bec on the sofa in their house. Several brochures are laid out on the coffee table; the cover of one says ‘SCUBA WEDDING’. Bec points at the brochures eagerly, while Juliette shakes her head and protests. Another thought-bubble pops out of Juliette’s head, this time showing a tropical beach. A group of middle-aged men in suits and ladies in dresses and hats are paddling at the shoreline, looking bored and bemused.
Juliette: [voiceover] Bec wants to wed beneath the waves;
To me that’s not so smart.
And most my folks can’t even swim,
So how can they take part?
Next scene: A tattooist’s parlour. Juliette is sitting in the waiting area, reading a traditional wedding magazine, while behind her Bec is having a tattoo done. The clock advances an hour, and Juliette stifles a yawn as Bec walks over and proudly shows off a tattoo of a mermaid on her abdomen. Juliette smiles at Bec but it is rather strained.
Juliette: [voiceover] Now Bec is big on her tattoos,
And one or two is fine.
But now the count has reached THIRTEEN,
That’s where I draw the line!
Juliette and Bec leave the parlour and stroll down the street. As they pass a diving shop, Bec becomes really excited and drags Juliette in. She points to an atmospheric diving suit (one of those really bulky metal ones with portholes around the head), evidently indicating that Juliette should try it on. Juliette looks utterly incredulous at the proposal, but Bec keeps pushing.
Juliette: [wearily to the camera] Though I love Bec with all my heart,
On this she has to budge.
Let’s throw her daft plan overboard,
And SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!
The scene returns to the studio, where the audience direct their booing towards Bec, who responds with a cocky grin and shrug while Juliette gives her a reproving glance.
Natalie: Hmmm, this is an interesting one! Let’s go back to the beginning, Juliette: so you and Bec met in Thailand?
Juliette: That’s right. I was there for a yoga convention; she was giving scuba lessons. Our eyes met across a crowded bar, and the rest is history!
Clara: Okay, and you fell in love, got engaged, everything going great… except that Bec wants to exchange vows while actually scuba diving?
Juliette: Yep – with masks on our faces and huge cylinders on our backs. Not very romantic, is it?
Natalie: It sounds downright silly to me! Bec, my dear, what are you thinking?
Bec: Hey! Embracing yer loved one underwater is incredibly romantic, and we do to get to take our masks off to kiss. Plus ah’ve trained Juliette up to be an excellent scuba diver!
Clara: But most of her family will be excluded, she says.
Bec: [shakes her head] Well first of all, the ceremony will be transmitted by live cam so folks on the beach can watch it. And secondly, everyone can join in the beach barbie afterwards!
Juliette: [snorting] Beach barbie! The most important day of our lives and she wants a beach barbie!
Natalie: Let’s get on to these tattoos. [Looks Bec up and down] Have you really got thirteen?
Bec: [proudly] Fourteen now! Ah’ve just had another wee one done, but it’s in an out-of-the-way place, if ye know what ah mean… [Makes to pull down her shorts]
Clara: [alarmed] No need to show us!
Bec: [winking] Juliette loves kissing it goodnight!
Juliette: [blushing under Natalie’s and Clara’s probing glances] Well… yeah… but I enjoy kissing Bec’s clear skin as well, and there won’t be much of that left the way she’s going!
Clara: Mmm, perhaps we should leave things there. Thanks for making your case, Juliette. But grudges are like marriages – it takes two! So, Bec, let’s hear your side of the story!
Bec: Ah thought ye’d never ask…
The second video-reel commences. Bec is sitting on the sofa, this time alone, with a few of her scuba wedding brochures on the coffee table.
Bec: [direct to camera] From listening to Juliette,
Ye might think me obsessed.
But let me tell ye she’s the one…
The camera starts to pan, revealing a few traditional wedding magazines on the arm of the chair. Then we see several stacks of such magazines, reaching to chest height, beside the sofa. The camera continues, revealing that the walls of the living room are plastered, floor to ceiling, with photos of brides in lavish dresses. There are even a couple of mannequins decked out with wedding dresses, with cut-out photos of Juliette’s and Bec’s faces stuck on them. The camera arrives full-circle, returning to Bec, who imparts a weary expression:
Bec:…With issues to address!
Next scene: Back in the bridal boutique. Juliette is giddily running from dress to dress. She falls to her knees in front of each one, pressing her hands to her heart, as if this is the dress. Then see another dress and gets up and runs to that. She actually visits each dress several times. Bec stands by, shaking her head.
Bec: [voiceover] She wants to wed with all the works;
A frilly fairytale.
And though ah’ve nowt against the Church,
Ah do find it quite stale.
Next scene: Juliette and Bec on the sofa having an animated discussion. A thought-bubble pops out of Juliette’s head, inside which a horse-drawn carriage draws up outside a church. Inside is Juliette and a man who is presumably her father. Juliette is wearing a huge wedding dress that fills almost the entire carriage, and she struggles to squeeze out of the door. Bec looks up at the thought-bubble and shakes her head, unimpressed. Then another horse-drawn carriage pulls up, also carrying a woman in a massive white dress, but this time the woman is Bec. Bec’s eyes pop out of her skull when she sees this.
Bec: [voiceover] In truth ah’m not a girly girl,
And dresses aren’t mah style.
Yet Juliette wants ME begowned
When ah go down the aisle!
Looking shell-shocked, Bec gets up from the sofa. Juliette shrugs and gets out her phone. The scene becomes highly sped-up as in the background, Bec whizzes around doing household chores, while Juliette sits there, gazing dreamily at her phone. Various wedding-themed emoji – including hearts, bells, horseshoes, and of course white dresses – emanate from the phone and float upwards through the shot.
Bec: [voiceover] Ah fear her time on Instagram
has fuelled her wedding craze.
Ah can’t remove her from that phone,
for hours if not days.
Juliette gets up from the sofa and goes to show Bec something on her phone. On the screen is a modelled photo of a lesbian wedding, with the two brides in very frilly dresses. Juliette then swipes the screen, revealing the same photo but with her and Bec’s heads photoshopped in place. Bec groans.
Bec: [impatiently to the camera while Juliette continues to look dreamily at her phone] Ah love mah Juliette to bits
And don’t wish to begrudge.
But her bride mania has to stop,
So SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!
Back in the studio, the audience make Juliette the target of their booing, to which she pouts and stamps her foot, while Bec wears a satisfied smile.
Natalie: [sucking in] Oh Juliette, this shines a different light on things, doesn’t it? I don’t mean to be harsh, but you do across as… well, a tad neurotic.
Juliette: [shrugging] Well Natalie, if you’re going to be neurotic about anything, best make it about the biggest and happiest day of your life. I may be a lesbian but I’ve always had that little girl’s dream of a fairytale princess wedding. [Eyes start to glaze over] The horse-drawn carriage… the footmen in full morning dress… the guests assembled in the church… all waiting to see the bride… or brides in this case… all waiting for that first glimpse of the dress… oh!! [claps hands together]
Bec: [rolling eyes] Anyone got a bucket of cold water?
Clara: [clicking fingers] Okay, thanks Juliette – that’ll do. Now Bec, I understand you don’t like things fussy and formal [looks Bec’s beachwear up and down], but a wedding is a very special occasion, so don’t you want to dress up a bit for the big day?
Bec: Listen Clara, ye’ll never catch me in a skirt – unless it’s a kilt – let alone a dress, so the idea of walking down the aisle looking like a big girl’s blouse doesn’t appeal to me at all!
Juliette: [looking offended] It’s not a blouse, it’s a wedding dress. Look, I love Bec the way she is, but it would be nice, just for once, to see her decked out like a princess!
Bec: [keeling over] Bleeuch!!
Natalie: Now let’s get on to this Instagram issue. Juliette, I’ve got your phone here – courtesy of Bec – and I have to say your account is a little concerning. Not only are there dozens of photos of you trying on dresses [swipes through phone], but you’ve also liked and reposted hundreds of other bride photos, and your history shows that you search for as many as thirty wedding-related hashtags every day!
Juliette: [shrugging] So? With an event as big as a wedding, it’s important to do one’s research.
Bec: And yet ye dismiss the scuba option out of hand.
Juliette: That’s because it’s a plain silly idea!
Bec: Not as silly as a dress ye’ll only wear once and can barely walk in!
Clara: [stepping in between the two] Right, that’s enough! Juliette, Bec, you’re a delightful couple, that’s plain to see. But you’re also very strong-willed, and it’s clear neither of you is going to back down without a fight. So it’s a good thing you’ve called on the Grudge-2-Sludge couple mediation service!
Natalie: [gravely] Indeed. It would be tragic to see you fall out in a big way over your big day, so it’s time to restore matrimonial harmony – with the ultimate bride-vs-bride showdown!
Clara: [nodding] Triumph tonight and you will get to have the wedding your way, deciding upon everything from the venue and the vows, to the page boys and the place cards!
Bec: [muttering] We ain’t having any page boys.
Juliette: Yes we are – four of them!
Natalie: And as always on Grudge-2-Sludge, the winner gets a fantastic prize as well. Now, I’m afraid our budget won’t stretch to funding your wedding, but we can stump up for your hen party!
Clara: That’s right. Whichever of you wins will get a weekend away for yourself and up to twenty friends, with activities, accommodation, food and drink, and minibus with driver all thrown in!
Natalie: Juliette, we know you’re a bit of a culture vulture, so if you win we’ll give you and your pals a splendid to trip to York, where you’ll spend the afternoon having a guided tour of all the city’s historical hotspots. Then, it’s dinner and drinks in a private upstairs room in one of York’s finest restaurants, renowned for its wine list!
The audience woos.
Juliette: Sounds really good!
Bec, on the other hand, is feigning a yawn.
Clara: Bec, I see that’s not your cup of tea, so if you win tonight, you and your mates will be heading west to the Hebrides, and to one of Scotland’s best outdoor sports centres, where you’ll be kept busy all afternoon, both in the water and on the cliff-faces high above it! Then, you’ll descend upon an unsuspecting village for a pub crawl!
More wooing from the audience. Bec nods keenly, while Juliette looks a touch disdainful.
Natalie: But… [grins] it’s not all perks and prizes on this show, and awaiting our loser we have some pre-nuptial penalties! Juliette, if you lose, then to save Bec’s sanity you will have to kick the Instagram habit – cold turkey!
Juliette pulls an apprehensive face at this.
Clara: And Bec, if you lose, then to end Juliette’s aesthetic offence, there’ll be no more tattoos for you!
Juliette: Well actually, she will be getting one last tattoo.
Bec: [retorting] And Juliette might be getting her first!
Natalie: [frowning] I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Juliette: Well, tell them, Bec.
Bec: Juliette and ah have agreed that as an extra forfeit, whoever loses will be getting the Grudge-2-Sludge logo tattooed on her butt cheeks!
There’s laughter and also a few gasps from the audience.
Clara: O…kay… What can I say? Nat and I are touched that you’ll have a momento of your time on the show to, umm, [glances at Juliette’s and Bec’s behinds] cherish for years to come. [Exchanges a disturbed glance with Natalie].
Natalie: Well, the tattoo thing will have to wait until after the show, because tonight’s loser really won’t want a sore behind to contend with – not where they’ll be sitting! Let’s go and have a look!
The usual bubbling and glooping sound effects get louder as Clara and Natalie lead Juliette and Bec towards the vast oblong pool that dominates the stage. As revealed at the show’s opening, the sludge that fills the pool is almost entirely a soft, pure white. Its surface is flat and still and has a matte sheen, like semi-set icing sugar. Some thin wavy lines of gold and pink have been drizzled onto this, leading from the corners of the pool towards the centre, where ‘Just Sludged!’ is embossed in gold in a calligraphic hand, together with a pair of pink hearts.
Some customisations have also been made to the other apparatus. As espied earlier, an archway, interwoven with white flowers, stands between the catapult and the pool, such that the catapult’s cargo will be fired through it. As for the throne, this is upholstered in white silk instead of the usual regal purple.
Natalie: Ladies, we’ve carefully chosen a punishment that’ll suit both of you. You, Juliette, because it’s in white, and you, Bec, because it involves submersion!
Clara: Now I have to say, this sludge looks more pleasant than the other brews we’ve had on this show – nice and clean and white. However, standing here, there is certainly a whiff of – [pulls face] how shall I describe it, Nat – cheese and onion?
Natalie: Mmm, I’d say more garlic than onion. Looks mighty thick as well, Clara.
Clara: Nat, I believe it could be the thickest one yet.
Natalie: Wow! Well, one thing’s for sure: Juliette and Bec, by the end of the show one of you will find yourself sitting on that catapult opposite, ready to be ducked in this pre-nup muck, with your beloved overseeing your fate from that throne there! To decide who that will be, the two of you will compete for points in three rounds of games. Plus, we are going to submit your wedding plans for the scrutiny of a panel of seasoned wedding experts!
Clara: Yes, ladies and gents, look at the seat in the front of you and you will see a keypad with two buttons on it. In a moment we are going to ask to you to vote for the fiancée whose wedding plans you favour.
Natalie: So, if you believe a white wedding is the right wedding, and that Bec’s dippy diving idea needs to sleep with the fishes, then fix your finger upon the red button marked “I side with Juliette.”
Juliette wrings her hands in a hopeful gesture, while Bec smirks and shakes her head.
Clara: But, if you rate scuba as super-duper, and think that Juliette’s fairytale fixation needs to end messily ever after, then direct your digit to the blue button marked “I side with Bec.”
Bec nods and points to herself, while Juliette does over-the-top puppy-dog eyes to the audience.
Natalie: Fifteen seconds of voting time – speak now, or forever hold your peace!
Music plays as the audience members reach forward, jabbing one or other of the buttons.
Clara: Okay, that’s it! The votes are in, but for now we’re going to guard them with all the vigilance of a best man entrusted with the wedding rings! Results will be revealed after Round Two and points apportioned in the usual way.
Natalie: In the meantime, Juliette and Bec, it’s time for you to go and get changed for Round One. But before we get started, I have to ask – since you are a lovely couple and we’d hate to strain your relationship – do either of you have any qualms about slinging your betrothed beloved into the cold, gungy sludge that lays before us, making them extremely messy for the purposes of trashy TV entertainment and your own personal satisfaction?
Juliette: [with a sweet smile] Nope!
Bec: As we say in Scotland, nae no yer nellie!
Clara: Well that’s all good then! Let’s make the pledge!
Natalie: Ooh, this’ll be good practice for the wedding! Juliette and Bec, do you pledge to put up a fair fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Clara and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?
Juliette: I do.
Bec: I do.
Clara: Then let’s seal it!
Standing in front of the pool, with the soft white sludge as their backdrop, Juliette and Bec embrace, nuzzling close for a kiss, before hardening their stance and exchanging a firm handshake. A camera click sounds and the shot freezes in sepia.
Yep, we have our top four, and we have the method sorted. I’m also going to go through the hype contest entries and pick out my favourites from those. For now though, click below to see who placed where.
In fourth place, Jennifer Lawrence managed a whopping 19 votes in the play-off.
Third place then was Emma Stone. You would be forgiven for thinking she racked up loads of votes and defeated Jennifer in a landslide, but she only managed 39.
To say there was supposedly a demand for the play-off, the turnout was closer to that of a first-round poll. This is interesting since only 58 people voted but 60 said they wanted the play-off. I voted for “no opinion” but still cast a vote in the play-off, so that’s at least three people who wanted this but didn’t vote in it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
In fact, one more person wanted our runner-up to win than actually voted in the play-off. With 59 votes, taking second place is Sophie Turner. This one’s also quite interesting since I haven’t seen a single pro-Karen comment on here and yet…
“You want me to do WHAT?!”
So just how much did Karen win by? Well, she got 87 votes. That means for the first time ever, we have a repeat winner in the GGP. So, maybe not the same as the old queen, but the same as an old queen.
So that’s the who, but now for the how!
Coming at the bottom of the poll with just four votes was the Thank You Desk. Second to bottom was a tie at six votes each for the Wheel of Torture and Question Slime. Don’t send in the clowns – they only placed fourth with ten votes. Third place goes to the World Tour, which got eleven votes. Second place is the Gunging Through Time, with twelve.
So the first suggestion gets first place – Karen Gillan will be going on the Trip Around the Great House.
Which means that it’s now down to you to enact the will of the people. For the next two weeks, I’ll be accepting story submissions about Karen getting gunged on the Noel’s House Party Trip Around the Great House. There are a few ground rules, of course.
You’re allowed to take creative liberties with the Trip Around the Great House. It doesn’t have to specifically be an NHP episode, and the story doesn’t have to directly reference the GGP in any way. Even though it didn’t win the vote, if you want to use the “world tour” theming if you wanted, or something else.
Stories should be PG in nature. The GGP is not about writing overly sexualised stories, never has been and (hopefully) never will be. If in doubt, just think “could this feasibly happen on NHP?” and if the answer is no, don’t include it.
Karen should be the only person getting messy in your story. Other celebrities and characters are welcome to appear but must stay clean.
Send me your stories in a Google Document, .doc, .docx, .rtf or .txt format via either email or private message on Discord, UMD, ECG or Twitter. Do not upload your story here or anywhere else. This is to ensure the anonymity of any submissions.
Closing date for story submissions is the 21st of December, when I’ll post up any stories that have been submitted. Voting for the best story will run from the 21st to the 28th, after which all author names will be revealed and if you wrote a story, you can upload them to other sites. Assuming MessySoMessy is cool with me mentioning the fact there are other sites, of course!
Email: ggp2017stories*@gmail.com (remove the asterisk)
Discord: VanillaXSlime#7169
UMD and ECG: My username is just VanillaXSlime on there, easy enough to find.
Twitter: VanillaXSlime. Note that I need to follow you in order for you to DM me on there, so just make a tweet mentioning me and the fact you want to submit a story, and I’ll chuck you a follow. Or if that’s too much of a kerfuffle, just email!
My preference is Discord, but I’ll happily use any of the other contact methods. Also, 44556/Retford666 could use one of those methods to contact me within the next week regarding the prediction contest prize, I’d be very much obliged. Otherwise, I will pass it onto Karlos1234.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
It had been a month since my debut TV appearance on the CSWL and following the fallout from that I was now technically unemployed however, I’d been busy and filmed a few episodes of my new vlogging series and was getting them edited ready to be uploaded.
Fortunately, I had been offered a job presenting a new episode of the ‘Horse Racing Roulette’ which I jumped at seeing it as a great chance to further increase my exposure and so here I now stood on the stage as the production team counted down in my ear, wearing a nice white dress with small black polka dots and buttons up the front along with some white high heels.
“Hello!
I’m Nikki and I will be the host tonight,
Welcome to this weeks edition of Horse Racing Roulette where we take one event and assign contestants to a specific horse and if that horse wins the race then the contestant will face a special ‘winners’ prize”
This show will be following the Saturday 8th December, 13:30 at Aintree which is the Becher Handicap Chase it has 18 runners although with only 15 contestants we have a few spare horses for any contestants that end up with non-runners to swap to”
“I continued to explain how the shows format would work before I eventually reached the listing of the horses, a screen behind me switched from the shows logo to a new page featuring the first three horses and the chosen celebrity contestant, I confirmed to the viewers that all horses and contestants had been randomly selected prior to the show.
Before moving through the various pages introducing the contestants and also providing the odds for the horse assigned to them.
Don Poli 11/1 – Alex Hammond
Blaklion 8/2 – Holly Willoughby
Ballyoptic 8/1 – Gemma Atkinson
“Some solid bets for a win in this selection here so these three will be hoping to avoid the mess and the popular vote”
The next three women are;
Noble Endeavor 16/1 – Jo Wilson
Present Man 8/1 – Natalie Sawyer
Ultragold 9/1 – Hayley McQueen
“Natalie won’t be happy to have one of the best odds in the show of winning, but Hayley isn’t far behind.
However moving onto contestants numbered 7, 8 and 9 we have got”
Missed Approach 14/1 – Sarah-Jane Mee
Vieux Lion Rouge 10/1 – Alice Levine
Just a Par 33/1 – Anna Woolhouse
“Anna meanwhile will be quite happy to have only got 33/1 with he horse Just a par”
“Moving into the second half of our listing and we have joining us”
Crosshue Boy 9/1 – Vicky Gomersall
Call it Magic 20/1 – Jules Breach
Highland Lodge 14/1 – Sian Welby
“Vicky though will not think much on her 9/1 odds”
“And then reaching the final trio of
Mustmeetalady 66/1 – Orla Chennaoui
Federci 33/1 – Lucy Verasamy
Dare to Endeavour 50/1 – Michelle Owen
“Orla, Lucy and Michelle will be all relatively happy to have horses considered outsiders in the race.”
Once all 15 women had been revealed, alongside the chosen horse the three non-assigned horses were reveal with Walk in the Mill the most likely to perform of the three.
Regal Flow 20/1 – Unassigned
Walk in The Mill 16/1 – Unassigned
Fine Theatre 28/1 – Unassigned
I explained after the introductions to the show i revealed there would also be an audience vote whereby the two most popular choices would have to play a game and or challenge and one of them would be the loser and getting messy, of course if one of the top two won the race then the 3rd placed in the vote would replace them.
After this I soon moved on to explaining how the audience could vote before, I finished the short preview show, glad at how easily I had found slipping into the role of the presenting on TV albeit on a somewhat unpopular high numbered channel.
The credits rolled and I headed off stage, getting a congratulations by the producer as I went off to join the crew in to discuss the plans for the main event the following day.
—
What Nikki does not know is that if no runners drop out and one the three unassigned horses wins the race then she would have to face the forfeit herself.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
“Hello and welcome to the third part of Meet the Contestants where we will announce the final 6 contestants who will be taking part in the Ultimate CSWL. I am Sarah-Jane Mee and with me tonight is my assistant Carla Brown.”
“Hi everyone. I’ve come dressed as a Bavarian Barmaid tonight”
“And why is that Carla?”
“Well we are on the run-up to Xmas and it is the season to be jolly so what could be better than to have a pint of german beer and a bratwurst”
Sarah-Jane replies “Whatever you say Carla! It’s now time to announce the next 3 contestants.”
Michelle Owen (Newcastle), Natalie Sawyer (Southampton) and Perrie Edwards (Tottenham)
Michelle O is the second sports reporter to feature. The 28 year old has featured a number of times in previous CSWL episodes, and she will be crossing her fingers that the northenest most team performs sufficiently so that she stays clean.
39 year old Natalie is the third and final sports reporter to be on the show. Probably the most featured lady in CSWL’s if somebody bothered to count up all the appearances. Her tits and bum have been out so much, that I’m sure Natalie can cope with anything this show may throw at her.
Little Mix popstar Perrie has been assigned Tottenham as her team. I am sure she will be singing along with the Spurs fans if their team is victorious over Xmas.
Sarah-Jane continues “And now the final 3 contestants….”
Sarah Hyland (Watford), Susanna Reid (West Ham) and Tessa Thompson (Wolves)
28 year old Sarah is from Manhattan and has appeared in films such as ‘Scary Movie 5’ and ‘Dirty Dancing’. The actress will be hoping that she doesn’t end up dancing whilst covered in all sorts of mess.
Susanna is 47 years old, but will be turning 48 on Monday. The breakfast TV presenter will be wishing that West Ham give her a nice birthday present by winning all of their games.
The final contestant is Tessa who is an American actress from Los Angeles. The 35 year old had starred in films such as ‘Creed’ and ‘Dirty Computer’. I’m not sure if she actually got messy in Dirty Computer, but if she did, she will be hoping there is no repeat occurrence during the show.
Carla gleefully announced “And we do have one of the contestants with us today. Please welcome Susanna Reid”
Susanna walks into the stage looking a little nervous.
“Hope you have a great birthday on Monday Susanna, and we’re really pleased you have been able to join us this evening. We have something special for you.”
Carla walks off stage momentarily but walks back on, now holding a giant birthday cake in her hands.
Susanna stands with her hands on her hips sporting a wry grin as Carla lifts the cake so it is just below Susanna’s chin and remarks “We didn’t put any candles on because there was no way we were going to fit 48 on! Ha ha!”
“Oh yeah” said a defiant Susanna as she swiftly moved her hands beneath the cake and forcefully took control and pushed the cake directly into Carla’s face.
Bits of cream and sponge splattered over Carla as she staggered back a little “Hey that wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s your birthday not mine. You should have been pied!”
Susanna rubbed her hands with glee and said “Better be quicker next time” and proceeded to walk off stage.
Sarah-Jane was trying not to laugh and put her hand to her mouth to disguise her smile, as Carla tried in vain to remove the cream and sponge from her face.
Sarah-Jane reaches for a nearby bucket and quickly upends it over Carla’s head. Carla squealed as the cold custard rains down on her. “We were going to use this on Susanna, but as she’s already left, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.”
“Thanks Sarah-Jane” was the sarcastic reply from the now dishevelled barmaid.
Sarah-Jane faces the camera “So there we have it, all 20 contestants of the Ultimate CSWL have been announced. The competition starts on 21st December, but we’ll have a preview show before that. Let’s have a vote to see what Carla will wear in the preview show and if Carla should remain clean.”
The camera cuts to a shot of a doorway to a cupboard size room, barely a meter square. The walls are made of a solid white plastic, apart from where a wide slit has been cut into the wall, but all we can see through it is darkness. Next to the doorway a small TV monitor is attached to the wall. Currently it is just displaying the word Paris. We also see two of the contestants, Athena and Amy looking the room up and down. We see Amy knocking on the plastic wall, but to no effect. We then here footsteps, and the camera briefly cuts to show Paris and Tory approaching. Paris is in her late twenties, with long blonde hair. She is wearing an elegant dark blue, strapless gown like dress, that clings to her body to just below her knees. Below that we see a pair of matching dark blue court stilettos. She is also wearing a long pair of dark blue satin gloves that reach past her elbows, and several pieces of expensive looking, but not overly flashy, jewelry.
Tory: This is it Paris. The room with your name outside. Paris: So what is this? Amy: I don’t know. It’s just a small room. Paris: Maybe that’s all I have to do, stand inside the room and I’ll be safe. Athena: I doubt Porcelain would have made it that simple. Tory: Well what does she expect us to do? Amy: Up their on the screen.
The camera cuts to a close up of the screen. It still says Paris in large letters at the top, but now has a load of smaller text bellow it. We hear Amy reading them out.
Amy: If you want to play with me Paris all you have to do is step into the room, and close the door with no one else in the room with you. Then you must put both your hands behind your back, and place them through the slit in the wall. Paris: Well that sounds easy. Athena: Hang on Paris. It won’t be that easy. I know from first hand experience what Porcelain is willing Paris: Oh come on Athena. I’m not some college girl. I can handle myself like an adult. Amy: Are you sure? You’ve no idea what’s in store. I think we should at least spend some time considering our options before we just dive in to anything. Paris: Look, if you and your friends want to waste time playing detective or whatever that’s up to you! Me! If this is what’s going to get me out this stupid situation then I’m taking it. If you want to screw about when you find your exit that’s up to you. I’m not giving up my exit because you lot are afraid to make the obvious decision.
The camera cuts to the four girls looking at each other, Amy and Athena looking a little perturbed, Paris with a determined scowl on her face. No-one says anything as Paris steps through the door, and close it behind her. An electronic lock is heard clicking into place. The image of the screen above the door changes, showing an overhead shot of the room Paris is in as she puts her hands behind her back and inserts them into the slot.
Scene 8:
The camera cuts to a shot of Paris’s hands through the slot. We see another pair of hands, wearing black leather gloves, that quickly click a pair of solid looking handcuffs around Paris’s wrists. She lets out a yelp of shock, and struggles for several seconds, until the wall with the slit in slits apart, the left side and right side sliding apart to reveal a dark narrow corridor behind her. Paris turns around and looks down the corridor.
Paris: Hey! Who’s down there? Is someone going to tell me what the hell’s going on?
There’s no reply. Paris stands there for another 15 seconds or so, until with an annoyed groan she walks down the corridor. The camera follows her from behind as she slowly walks down the corridor. A short walk later and she reaches a part where the more solid walls are replaced by a dark translucent plastic. A short walk later and she reaches the end of the corridor.
The camera cuts to an overview of the room as Paris steps into it, or at least an overview of the part of the room that’s lit. We see Paris is now in a fenced off area. The fence being made of ornate iron vertical posts, that surround her, and are about 5 foot high. Notably at the doorway she entered, a gate is now swinging shut, and the plastic tunnel she came through is now moving backwards away from the fenced enclosure. Outside the enclosure hardly anything can be seen due to the lack of light, but there is a bright spotlight on the solid cylinder shaped table in the middle of the enclosure. It’s about 80cm high, and 160cm in diameter. The edges appear to be made of a solid, dark wood, which also forms a rim on the top of the table. Past the rim though the surface of the table appears to be made of a tight nit chicken wire, allowing a view downwards, where we can make out some sort of large metal disc a short height above the floor. Resting on the chicken wire are a couple of dozen pastry encrusted pies, some open top, revealing their filling, some completely encrusted in pastry. Suddenly the camera cuts in response to the familiar sound of stilettoed footsteps approaching.
Porcelain: Hello Paris. It’s playtime. Paris: Let me out of here right now. Porcelain: Right away, but I thought you wanted to play. Paris: Don’t you know who your dealing with? Porcelain: Thanks to the over emphasis on celebrity culture in the media I have no choice. I believe I’m dealing with a spoilt, rich kid, who thinks lauding their wealth is the way to establish superiority. Someone so self entitled they can’t take not getting exactly what they want without some huge overly dramatic temper tantrum. Paris: LISTEN HERE. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE VERY DIFFICULT. Porcelain: There you go again. If I were you I’d shut up for once in your life. I’m not going to repeat myself, if you end up stuck in there because you didn’t listen that’s your own fault.
The camera cuts to Paris still angrily glaring, but she temporarily stays quiet.
Porcelain: You want to know the rule of our game? Good. It’s quite simple really. If you look through the metal grid on top of the table you’ll see a large set of scales below it. The aim of the game is simply to put enough weight on the scales.
As Porcelain says this the camera cuts to a monitor above the entrance gate. On it is a dial with an arrow all the way to the left. On the right hand side of the dial is an area marked in red.
Porcelain: Once you’ve done that the gate to your enclosure will open again, and you’ll be able to find your way to your safe room. I’d hurry up though. I wouldn’t want you stuck in the enclosure when the catapults go off.
The camera cuts to a long shot as a load of overhead lights turn on, shining down on the area around the enclosure. They reveal the enclosure is surrounded on all sides by around 50 small catapults, on each one is a frying pan containing a large pancake, all topped with different messy substances, such as whipped cream, maple or chocolate syrup, or strawberry sauce.
Paris: For The Last Time Let Me Out Now!!
Paris lunges towards Porcelain, but Porcelain merely steps back. Paris tries pushing at the fence, and even jumping at it, but with her hands handcuffed behind her back she has no way to escape.
Porcelain: I’m afraid this time your not dealing with someone impressed by your undeserved wealth, or intimidated by your temper tantrums. All I’m interested in is how well you play. Have fun.
With that Porcelain strolls away, stopping briefly to turn over an hour glass placed on a small table, just past the catapults. She then disappears in to the darkness.
Paris: No! Don’t You Dare Walk Away From Me!!
Paris stares angrily into the darkness for several seconds as if expecting a response, but she doesn’t get one. With a cry of fury she heads over to the entrance gate and angrily attempts to open it, but it holds firm. She glances up as the camera cuts to the dial, still all the way to the left. The camera cuts back to Paris, who has her back to the table, and uses her hands and feet to rise herself so she’s sitting on the edge of the table. She reaches back and grabs a pastry encrusted pie. She pushes down on it and it breaks open, revealing a thick purple, blackberry filling. Paris continues to break up the pastry and push it and the filling through the grid, using just her hands. The camera cuts to a shot of the scales, where a small pool of the filling and pastry has gathered. The camera cuts to the dial, that has barely moved, and then to the hourglass where we see just under 40% of the time has gone. We hear a whoosh as the camera cuts to Paris, much of her head now obscured where she’d just been hit by several of the crepes from the catapults. She shakes her head to dislodge the crepes, and reveal her face now coated in whipped cream, and chocolate and maple syrup now dripping down her hair. She looks around angrily, before with a look of resignation she leans back, and shuffles her way on to the table. She rolls around on the table, over the pies in the central area. This causes most of the crusts to break up, and pieces of pie, and the filling start to fall down to the scales. At the same time Paris starts to get covered in the substances. Her arse covered in a thick banana cream filling, her legs coated in both strawberry and blackberry syrup, including lots of small lumps of golden pastry, her exposed shoulders and cleavage covered in lumps of pastry and a thick chocolate goo. The movement also has an effect on her strapless dress, causing it to fall down, revealing the strapless bra she’s wearing underneath. The camera cuts to the dial, which we see has now reached the halfway point, then back to the hourglass that shows that around seventy percent of the time has gone.
The camera cuts back to Paris who is now lying on her side, she looks down, and brings her foot down on a cherry pie with an angry stomp, causing the pie to shatter dramatically, coating her stilettoed foot in cherry sauce, but also causing a lot to fall down on the scales. She shuffles around in an anticlockwise direction, until she feels a large lemon meringue pie behind her, she takes a deep breath before slamming the side of her head down on the pie, and then angrily stomping down on a pastry encrusted blueberry pie with her foot. The camera cuts to the dial the dial that is now about eighty percent of the way over, but when the camera cuts to the hourglass we see less than five percent of her time is left.
The camera cuts to Paris as she rolls over the pies in a last desperate attempt. She breaks up a few missed pies, but it’s not enough. A loud siren is heard as the camera cuts to an overhead shot, looking directly down on Paris as a crepe, covered with whipped cream and strawberries strikes her on the leg. She turns so she’s facing directly down as more and more crepes rain down on Paris and the rest of the enclosure. This lasts for around twenty seconds, until not a single part of the enclosure is left uncovered by one of the crepes, and the messy toppings that come with them. The camera cuts briefly to the dial that is now almost in the red, then cuts to Paris as she slowly raises herself up, shaking crepes off where she can. She slides herself off the table so she’s standing back on the ground, causing more crepes to fall revealing her hair, body, dress and legs all now covered with messy substances from the pancakes.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
I was back once again on the main stage in the big studio, sitting over to one side of the stage were all 15 women who had agreed to come onto the show.
Nobody knew how the race had gone and the women were all sat nervously waiting for the program to start so that I could reveal the outcome, I got myself prepared as I stood still wearing the same white dress which was actually my own one.
I heard the countdown and began speaking to the camera.
“Hello and welcome to the results show of this episode of the ‘Horse Racing Roulette’ we have been tracking the 13:30 at Aintree which is the Becher Handicap Chase.
15 contestants have been assigned to different horses and I’ve been informed prior to the show that because all 18 horses entered the race I will be assigned to the 3 currently un-assigned horses
I wasn’t massively happy about this turn of events knowing once again I’d been set up somewhat, but was trying to put on a brave face fortunately I still had 15 other horses that I hoped would be able to ensure I wouldn’t have to face the winners forfeit.
I then turned towards the big screen and revealed that in third place was ‘Ultragold’ and could see Hayley McQueen breath a sigh of relief, the next result popped up on the screen with Alice Levines horse scoring the runner up position.
“So, it is now time to reveal tonight’s winner, and in first place is….
“WHAT THE! You’ve got to be kidding!” I shouted out as the producer confirmed in my ear that the previously unassigned horse ‘Walk in the Mill’ had definitely won the race.
At this moment as I was still not completely recovered out onto the stage walked the beautiful Gemma Atkinson wearing skinny jeans and a casual red strapless top she walked over and stood next to me.
“Good evening and thank you to Nikki for doing the presenting of the preview show and beginning of tonight’s episodes however I will take over now”
I had not seen this coming at all and soon Gemma was instructing me to walk over to a glass box which I knew is where we were gong to keep the race winner until it was time for the messy challenge I reluctantly stepped inside and Gemma shut the door.
“Alice, you seem pretty happy that your horse came in second” I heard Gemma say to Alice Levine, she replied confirming that she was relieved not to have won the race.
However, Alice’s relief was short lived when Gemma announced that as her horse was the best placed of the 15 contestants the producers had decided that she would face the forfeit alongside me.
A few minutes later and I was joined inside the box by a slightly miffed Alice, I gave her a hug and we chatted, Alice who wore a short polka dot dress and had her fiery red hair tied back was a genuinely funny person and so we enjoyed each other’s company whilst we stayed trapped in our prison and Gemma moved onto what I knew would be the next part of the show.
I was still a bit miffed at having been reduced to a messy contestant rather than staying clean as a host, although my mood was tempered by the thought of the sheer amount of money, that I’d been offered to do the shows.
“We have one more space in the final messy challenge and that will be taken by one of the top two contestants.” Gemma explained and then she continued
“Funnily enough Nikki also won the poll for who should be forced to battle to avoid the mess”
At this new I knew I really never had stood a chance of escaping clean as it seems the viewers wanted to see me get messy again.
As the results of the poll came up on the screen the two highest contestants had the same number of votes with 10% each, Natalie Sawyer and Sian Welby.
All of the other contestants notably relaxed at the reveal, realising unless anymore shocks occurred, they’d be able escape the show completely clean and with the added bonus of watching at least three women getting messy instead.
Neither Sian nor Natalie looked massively impressed by the outcome of the votes however both had previous experience with getting messy Natalie much more recently and so whilst it wouldn’t be a complete disaster for them, they were still clearly keen to avoid it if possible.
Gemma called Natalie and Sian over to her and instructed them to stand behind two podiums each had a buzzer in front of them, she explained that they would face five questions and the first to get three correct would win the round and therefore get to avoid the messy challenge alongside Alice and myself.
Gemma asked the first question which as far as I could tell had nothing to do with Horse Racing at all.
Sian however was able to correctly guess the answer and so she moved closer to avoiding the mess putting more pressure on Natalie, as Gemma moved to read out the second question.
Things started to look even more severe for Natalie as Sian was able to get her second straight question correct and Gemma confirmed that she was now only one question away from sending Natalie into the mess.
It didn’t take long, after the third and what turned out to be the final question Sian managed to take a clean sweep victory and send Natalie rather embarrassingly to join Alice and myself in the glass box without answering a single question.
Gemma led Natalie over to the box and opened the door, she stepped inside and then Gemma moved on to reveal what was in store for us during the challenge, (admittedly I already had an idea but it was more for Natalie, Alice and the viewers)
We would have to enter into a horse racing themed assault course with messy obstacles along the way, Gemma informed the audience it was not a race and we could choose whether to stick together or to race through the course to get it over as quickly as possible.
I felt the glass box jolt as it slowly began lifting off the ground, Alice shrieked and grabbed hold of my arm as we were lifted higher and higher in the large studio warehouse, eventually wen it stood we were level with an entrance tube that connected up to the side of the glass box that featured the door.
Gemma seemingly pressed the controlling button and the door opened, Natalie and Alice looked at me clearly wanting me to go first, we all agreed to stick together through the challenge and then I stepped forwards through the doorway.
As soon as I stepped into the large tunnel I felt the floor sloping steeply and I soon slipped on the slippery surface and before I knew what was going on I splashed down into a puddle of mud, instantly coating most of my front, managed to clamber out of the worst of the mud and looked back to see Natalie come sliding down, her white dress like mine instantly turning a disgusting brown colour upon impact.
We called back to convince Alice to join us and after a few moments we could hear a screaming Alice sliding down the ramp before she soon splashed down into the mud, we helped to pull her free and then set across crawling through the long fake grass and sloppy surface towards the first “jump”.
The three of us reached the rope ladder and I awkwardly climbed up onto it once I reached the top, I allowed myself to flop down onto the other side splashing down into a pool of slop, I completely submerged under it before I managed to climbed out onto the side now completely soaked through.
Alice and Natalie soon followed and disappeared under the surface temporarily in tern and we began the slow crawl onto the next obstacle, we reached a taller area and were therefore able to stand up once more in front of us stood a large presumably deep pool of sludge and plotting a path across the top stood some stepping stones I knew we had to try and run across without falling into the slop before we could move on.
Again, Natalie and Alice wanted me to test it first and so I did, I gingerly stepped from one stone to the next ensuring to securely plant my feet as I did so and eventually, I managed to cross all 8 stones and jumped onto the far side cheering as did both Alice and Natalie.
Natalie went next and tried to go a lot quicker than I did as she seemed confident in her steps early on, however a mis-step on the 5th stone meant she over balanced as she reached for the 6th and tripped falling face first into the sludge sending a wave of muck all over the remaining stones.
Natalie’s sludge covered figure reappeared and swam back to the start pulling herself out as Alice carefully set off on her first attempt so did well and despite a small wobble early on, she too joined me on the side as she jumped from the final stone into my arms as we tumbled backwards over fortunately away from the sludge.
On her second attempt Natalie tried our slower my methodical approach and as a result she managed to successfully navigate her way over the stones, the three of us moved on along the path crawling passed all sorts of objects including squeezing through some gunge covered carwash rollers which painted us in yellow.
We reached an area which simply had three tanks large enough to fit one person inside standing up, we had no way of getting around the tanks to the next area, the tanks had a sign reading ‘you may only pass once you have lost one item’ eventually we located a bin hidden in the corner with a clue ‘discarded items here’ and released we had to loose an item by choice.
Naturally we figured we would have to remove our somewhat ruined dresses and so I helped Natalie unzip hers from behind and Alice and I helped her step out of it, her skin was fairly clean and her soggy but still mostly intact skimpy purple underwear was now on show.
After this I opened the buttons on my ruined white dress and slipped out of it, in a not at all sexy fashion, I dropped the dress into the bin and stood back now just in my formerly white thong and bra and turned to Alice, like Natalie before I helped her out of the dress and she shimmied it down and before she threw it into the bin as well.
Alice surprised me as she had by far the slutty/skimpiest underwear of the three of us with a yellow and purple sexy bra leaving very little to the imagination and a match yellow G-string I looked at her and she responded by giving me a look that I could only read as meaning prim and proper on the outside kinky and slutty on the inside, I gave her a cheeky slap on the arse as we stepped into the tanks.
Natalie picking the one of the left myself in the middle leaving Alice the one on the right hand side of the area, once the doors shut a klaxon sounded and I looked to see Natalie’s tank filling up with what appeared to be some kind of mushroomy soup she was covered completely by the mess before the flow stopped and after it drained away she was able to exit on the other side.
The klaxon sounded once more and this time it was my tank that started to fill, at first, I couldn’t tell what substance was raining down on me until I started to see the orange colour and then finally saw the baked beans sliding down passed my face coating my breasts to the bean’s way down to the floor. The stream of beans did not abate as I made the mistake of looking up at where they were coming from and took a massive face full of beans.
I too was then able to exit the tank once the flow of beans finished, I joined Natalie on the other side as I tried to wipe as much of the beans out of my eyes and off my face having given up with doing anything to my hair, I picked up a load of beans that had made there way into my bra as Alice yelped clearly in surprise.
Natalie suspected it was obviously something cold by the way Alice was jumping around inside the tank as a brown liquid rained down over her constantly, after a little while she was then able to join us out of the tank shouting ‘Melted Ice cream’ at us in answer to what substance she’d be showered with.
We clambered along and over two more jumps splashing down both times into the slop pit by the time Alice and my bras gave way leaving us completely exposed we didn’t really think much of it as the three of us trudged along finally reaching a tube-like slide I crawled inside and slid down the tube splashing down into a large vat of muck.
I disappeared under the surface, before I recovered my composure and stood up getting out of the way as a nearly nude Alice Levine came flying into the pool she too disappeared under the surface but not before the wave from her splash hit me directly in the face, she then swam and joined me as finally Natalie launched into the pool she too sending a wave of mess over Alice and myself as we waited.
We finally were allowed to climb out of the final pool when Gemma lowered the ladder into it she then stood back and asked us how we felt before turning back to the camera and beginning to close off the show, Alice and Natalie looked at me and nodded I moved forwards grabbing hold of her arms she shouted out in surprise as we interrupted her speech.
Alice grabbed Gemma’s top and pulled it down exposing Gemma’s lovely breasts as she had obviously not bothered to wear a bra, Natalie meanwhile had grabbed Gemma’s legs and between the three of us we held the struggling temporary host and lifted her up before dumping her unceremoniously into the large vat of slop.
Alice quickly grabbed the ladder and I helped her pull it out of the pool which meant that when Gemma recovered, she was unable to climb out and the topless busty TV star had to remain in the slop pool as I retook charge of the show.
“Thank you to everyone for agreeing to take part in this show tonight, Alice and Natalie you have been great sports, we hope you’ve all had a good time watching the show but I don’t think Gemma has had enough mess yet so its time to get some more muck for her!” I shouted as I grabbed a bucket of sloppy mess and started to pour it over Gemma who retreated deeper into her sludge pit.
Once the program had finished, I helped lower the rope ladder and Gemma climbed out she had taken it all very well, admitting that she’d partly expected it to happen knowing the general format for shows produced by the company being host meant you stood just as much a chance of getting messy as anyone else
The four of us still topless trudged off leaving a disgustingly messy trail behind us all the way to the showers, after I cleaned myself off, I went out to the studio exit to meet with Jules Breach ready to head off to my apartment so we could film our vlog.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
Welcome to the final results show of this midweek episode of CSWL with me your host Rebecca Williams.
Rebecca is wearing a red dress, red high-heeled shoes, and her blonde hair is being worn down.
Now let’s welcome in our contestants shall we first up is the Manchester United representative this week and it is Olympic Gold Medallist in Taekwondo Jade Jones.
Jade is wearing a gold mini-dress, gold high-heeled shoes and her red hair is being worn down and is curly.
Now let’s meet our Arsenal representative shall we and that is singer Dido.
Dido is wearing a black dress, with white patterns on it, white-high heeled shoes with black at the end and her blonde hair is being worn short.
Jade as you was the first representative can you come over here please.
You will be suffering your forfeits first, first up is yellow cards, Manchester United had 3 so that means 3 custard pies up first.
Rebecca then picks up the first 2 yellow cards and plants the pies into Jade’s face giver her a pie sandwich in the process, coating her face and bits of her hair in pie.
Rebecca is then picks up the final pie and plants it on the top of Jade’s head coating the top of her hair in pie.
The forfeits for the cards are now done so shall we move onto the off sides, Manchester United had 3 so that means 1 spin of the wheel.
Jade would you please follow me over here please.
Jade then follows Rebecca over to the wheel.
Jade then spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Mud Bath’.
Rebecca then leads Jade over to the ‘Mud Bath’.
Jade then gingerly steps into the bath covering her dress and her whole body in dark brown sludge.
Jade then has to submerge herself under the mud for 10 seconds.
Jade once she has submerged herself she exits the bath.
And then Rebecca then leads Jade over to the wheel again for the forfeits for fouls committed.
Manchester United committed 13 fouls so that means it will be 4 spins of he forfeit wheel.
Jade spins the wheel for the first time and it lands on strip x2.
Jade is left absolutely gob smacked by this as she is going to have bear some of her athletic body to the audience.
Rebecca asks Jade to remove her dress.
Jade then removes her dress, shows her gold underwear to the nation, this is a gold frilly bra and a gold thong, this reveals Jade’s bum to the nation, after having been made to twirl by Rebecca.
Then Rebecca asks Jade to remove her bra, which she reluctantly does but is not happy about it as she ha to reveal her tits to the world.
Once done, Rebecca is led over to the wheel for her 2nd spin of the wheel.
Jade then indeed spins the wheel again.
The wheel then lands on ‘Slime Shower’.
Jade is then led over to the shower cubicle, and is then led inside of it.
Rebecca then pulls the nozzle to release the orange gunge all over Jade.
The gunge then domes all over Jade coating her from head to toe in the gunge.
Once the gunge has subsided, then Jade is led out of the shower cubicle and over to the forfeit wheel again.
Once over to the wheel Jade spins the wheel for her 3rd spin of the wheel.
Jade then spins the wheel and it land’s on ‘Rhubarb and Custard Dunk’.
A bucket of Rhubarb and Custard is then bought over and Jade then has to dunk her head in the bucket for 10 seconds.
Once Jade has done this she is instructed to go over to the wheel for her final spin.
Jade then spins the wheel for the final time and it lands on strip x1.
Jade is absolutely fuming at this as it will leave her completely in the buff.
Jade slowly but surely does remove her thong, the reveal her mud covered toned bum to the nation.
Once Jade has done this Rebecca reveals the forfeit for possession as Manchester United had less,
And in fact Manchester United had 11% less possession that means 5 different pies have been brought out, as it is for every 2% possession it is a pie.
The 5 pies on offer are, lime, strawberry, black forest gataeux, lemon and orange.
The pies are then slammed into every part of Jade’s body coating her tits, bum, legs, torso and arms, where there was a clean bit, now it is a mixture of rainbow coloured pie mess.
Now let’s move onto the goal forfeits first up we have the forfeit for a goal conceded and that is of course the gunge tank.
The gunge is red to represent the colours of Arsenal’s home kit.
Rebecca then pulls the lever to release all of the red gunge of a naked Jade, the gunge then domes all over Jade, the gunge then covers every inch of Jade’s naked body in red slimy gunge.
Now we will move onto the 2 goals forfeit and this is of course the pillories.
Jade then is led over to the pillories where she is locked in and is bearing all her glorious naked body to the audience once again.
There are 3 buckets that have been brought over, it is the same buckets as usual in the mud, pig slop and manure.
The first bucket is then poured over every inch of Jade’s body.
The mud then covers every inch of Jade’s naked body.
Rebecca then picks up the 2nd bucket and this bucket is a bucket of pig slop which is dark yellow in colour and it is revolting, and again Rebecca pours it over Jade’s body and cover it in the yellow disgusting pig slop.
Rebecca then picks up the final bucket which of course is the foul revolting smelly manure.
Again Rebecca pours all of the bucket all over Jade making sure she get’s it all over her body and Jade of course is of course gagging at the sheer smell of the manure that is covering all of her.
Thank you Jade that is your forfeit all done, so now Dido would you please join me over her please.
First up of course is the yellow cards.
Arsenal had 3 yellow cards, Rebecca picks up 2 pies, and gives Dido a pie sandwich.
The pie then covers Dido’s face and hair in creamy pie filling.
Rebecca then picks up the 3rd and final pie and slams it on the top of Dido’s hair, matting it in the process and ruining it as well.
Now we will move onto the off sides, Arsenal picked up 3 here so that means 1 spin of the forfeit wheel.
Dido spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Mud Bath’.
Dido is led over to the Mud Bath and gingerly steps inside of it and then lies in the mud coating all over her dress and her bare legs, before like everyone else has to do submerge herself under the mud for 10 seconds.
Once Dido has done it she rem-emerges from under the mud and her hair and face is covered in slimy dark brown mud.
Once completed Dido is led over to the forfeit wheel again.
Arsenal committed 10 fouls so that means it is 2 spins of the wheel.
Dido spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Slimy Shower’.
Dido is led over to the shower cubicle where there is some green Nickelodeon slime waiting to greet her.
Rebecca then releases the nozzle to release the slime all over Dido, the slime then domes all over her coating her in a green slimy mess, that covers every inch of her body.
Once the slime has subsided Dido is led out of the cubicle and over to the wheel for her final spin.
Dido then spins the wheel and it lands on ‘Chocolate Face Drop’.
A bucket of Chocolate is then bought over, and Dido has to drop her head inside of the bucket.
Dido then does as is required, this then coats Dido’s face and hair in runny brown chocolate that then drips onto her face and all down her dress as well and onto her bare legs and her high-heeled shoes as well.
Once done Dido is then led over to the gunge tank for the first goal forfeit.
Dido is then sat inside of the gunge tank and then Rebecca pulls the lever to release a torrent of red gunge to represent Manchester United’s kit all over the Dido.
The gunge then dome’s all over Dido coating her from head to toe in red sloppy gunge.
Once the gunge stops Dido is then led out of the gunge tank and over to the pillories.
Dido is then locked inside of the pillories, her dress then starts to ride up and you can see her black thong on display that also shows her bum as well.
Rebecca then picks up the first bucket which of course is mud.
Rebecca then picks up the bucket of mud and pours it over every inch of Dido’s body.
Dido is now a sticky brown mess.
Rebecca then picks up the 2nd bucket of course which is the pig slop.
Rebecca gain pours the bucket over Dido covering every nook and cranny of her body in disgusting pig slop.
The dark yellow substance is then deposited until. it is empty over Dido
Rebecca then picks up the final bucket and of course it is the manure.
Again when Rebecca starts to pour it over Dido, she gags at the smell of it just like everyone has in the past.
Again Rebecca targets the whole of Dido’s body, but she also lifts up her dress and also opens up her dress so that the manure can cover her bra and thong so it goes over her boobs and her bum, Rebecca even pours some inside her thong as well so that it cover her sensitive areas.
Dido squeals at this as well ans isn’t very impressed by it either.
Dido is then released from the pillories.
Both ladies then chase after Rebecca so that she can get messy as well.
Once caught both ladies give Rebecca a hug coating her in there slimy mess as well, they then pick up some gunge buckets, the buckets are red, blue, yellow, green, gold, silver, brown grey and black, coating Rebecca in a rainbow coloured mess.
Both ladies then start to strip Rebecca removing her dress, then off comes her red bra, and then her red thong goes as well.
Both ladies then pour a few buckets of water of Rebecca, so that she can reveal her body to the audience, but she tries to cover up but both ladies prevent her from doing so and makes her twirl as well so everyone can see her bum.
They then pick up the bucket of mud, covering Rebecca in the thick slimy brown mud.
Covering Rebecca’s naked covered body in the mud to make sure she is dirty again.
Up next is the bucket of pig slop, both ladies make sure they cover Rebecca in the horrible stuff and the pig slop is dark yellow slop, and pours it over the mud.
Both ladies pick up the final bucket which of course is the manure, and when both ladies start to pour the bucket of manure of Rebecca she starts to gag at the sheer smell of it.
Rebecca is then allowed to wrap up the show.
Thank you for joining me a naked messy humiliated Rebecca Williams, and my 2 guests an equally naked messy humiliated Jade Jones and a messy and humiliated Dido joins us again at the weekend for a hastily arranged episode of CSWL.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
The 15 minute drinks break came to an end, but it felt like an eternity for the handcuffed Chloe, Jessica and Sally.
During the break, 4 buckets of melted chocolate had been brought onto the stage and placed next to the 3 ladies.
Vicky bounced onto the stage and took the microphone “Ladies and Gentleman, we are going to begin with the first part of today’s event. I will ask a question and each lady will provide me with an answer. The lady whose answer is the furthest away from the correct answer will get a very ‘sweet’ surprise.”
Vicky glances at the buckets and winks to the audience. “Now, the question is ‘How much chocolate is consumed in Britain every year’?”
Chloe, Jessica and Sally all looked dumbfounded, as the audience laughed.
Vicky smiled “We need the answers in tonnes please. Chloe, would you like to take the first guess?”
“How on earth am I meant to know that?”
“You need to take a guess Chloe. Anyway, I hear you love chocolate bars so you might be the lady who is best placed to answer?”
“I can’t believe this! I shouldn’t be in this position in front of everyone. Can’t you just let me go?”
Vicky shook her head “You weren’t shy in dishing out the humiliation and mess to your male colleagues, so this is really of your own making.”
“Oh damn it!” Chloe made a vain attempt to release her wrists from the overhead handcuffs by thrashing her arms around, but it was to no avail. The audience chuckled as they watched the lingerie-clad brunette try to escape from her handcuffs.
Vicky was becoming inpatient and tapped her left high heel shoe on the floor “We haven’t got all day Chloe. If you complain any more I am just going to tip all these buckets over you! So, do you have an answer for me?”
Chloe composed herself “I haven’t got any idea, but I will guess at 1 million tonnes.”
“Thank you Chloe! Now Jessica, what will be your guess?”
Jessica is obviously thinking as she has a furrowed brow. “I can’t imagine it’s more than 1 million tonnes, so I’ll go for 999,999 tonnes.”
Chloe was quick to complain “Hey, you can’t do that!”
Vicky turned to Chloe “Yes she can, and can you please stop moaning!”
Vicky took a few steps so that she was in front of Sally “What is your answer going to be?”
“I would just like to say that I also don’t think it’s fair that I am up here. Chloe and Jessica obviously deserve to be here after the pranks they have pulled, but I’ve done nothing wrong”
Vicky showed on a sorrowful look “I do sympathise with you Sally, but your bosses have asked for you to participate so you had better take it up with them after today’s event. Anyway back to the quiz. Do you have an answer for me?”
Sally sighed as she responded “Yes, I’ll go for 999,999.5 tonnes!”
Both Chloe and Jessica looked angrily towards Sally as they very quickly realised Sally had played a very cute tactic by providing an answer in between theirs, which made it highly unlikely that her number would be the furthest away from the correct answer.
“Thank you Sally. I can now reveal that the answer is 660,900 tonnes, so that means Chloe is the furthest away with her answer of 1 million tonnes.”
The audience cheered as Chloe looked on in despair and shook her head.
2 of the bosses walked onto the stage and picked up a bucket each. There was lots of tension as they stood either side of the shackled Chloe and raised their buckets until they were positioned over Chloe’s head.
Vicky “As you like chocolate so much Chloe, I am sure you won’t mind what is about to happen. Ha ha!”
Both of the bosses tipped their buckets and the melted chocolate started to stream out and onto Chloe’s head and all down her long brown hair.
“Yuck Yuck Yuck!” exclaimed Chloe as the chocolate completely engulfed her and started to stream down her upper body. With her hands handcuffed above her, she couldn’t stop the melted chocolate pouring into her flimsy bra. Both bosses shook their buckets to make sure all of the chocolate had come out, and then put the buckets down.
They proceeded to pick up the final 2 buckets each and again raised them over Chloe’s head. Chloe closed her eyes as she awaited more chocolate pouring down on her. But she felt some cold metal on her back and heard a loud ‘snip’. Chloe’s eyes widened in shock as she realised Vicky was cutting through her bra with a pair of scissors, and then subsequently grabbed the bra and successfully pulled it off Chloe’s body.
Chloe’s juicy rounded tits were now exposed and the audience cheered. They were already half covered in chocolate, and they were about to be fully covered as the 2 bosses tipped their buckets to send more melted chocolate splashing all over Chloe.
Her hair was now matted, and her face and the top half of her body was completely covered with a chocolate layer. Her tits looked great with melted chocolate dripping off them.
Vicky smiled at the sight of the chocolate coated Chloe. “Ok, onto question 2. ‘How many eggs were consumed in the UK in 2017?’ and I need your answer in billions.”
As Vicky asked the question, 5 large trays of eggs were brought onto the stage and placed on a table next to the 3 ladies. All 3 ladies gulped as they realised what would happen if they were the one that provided the answer that was furthest away from the actual number.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
(This story contains nudity)
“Hello and welcome to the preview show for the forthcoming Ultimate Xmas CSWL. I am your host, Sarah-Jane Mee, and we will have a look forward to this festive competition which will start on Friday 21st December and finish on Thursday 3rd January.”
Sarah-Jane is wearing a blue dress with pink high heel shoes. “Let me introduce my assistant host Carla Brown”
Carla walks on smiling to lots of applause and wolf whistles as she is wearing some sexy black and red lingerie.
“Hi Carla. Can you explain why you have come dressed in only your underwear?”
“Yes I can Sarah-Jane. In the previous ‘Meet the Contestants’ episode, there was an online vote for viewers at home to decide what I will wear for tonight’s show. As you can see, the lingerie option was the most voted for.”
“I see. I am sure our viewers will be really pleased to see you in such revealing clothing. Out of interest, what were the other popular options?”
“Well, lingerie was top with 29%, but not far behind was nothing at 27% and bunny girl costume with 25%”
“I bet you are relieved that ‘nothing’ didn’t come out on top.”
“Yes you could say that. I didn’t really fancy turning up in just my birthday suit.”
“Ok. As you know there was a second public vote and this was to see if you got to remain clean in today’s show. I am sure it won’t come as a surprise to you that a massive 81% of viewers thought that you shouldn’t remain clean, and we have therefore arranged for you to be dunked in 4 dunk tanks for the rest of the show.”
Sarah-Jane pointed to an area behind her, where a portable partition was slid across to reveal 4 dunk tanks, each with a plastic seat on top.
Carla smiled as she sexily walked to the back of the first tank and made her way up the steps. The camera followed her and got some close-ups of her knicker-clad bottom and stockinged legs as she climbed the steps. Realising that the camera was focusing on her bottom, she gave a sexy wiggle. Once she was at the top, Carla took her place on the seat and peered directly beneath her.
“So Carla. The dunk tanks have been set so they will automatically dunk you after specific times. The first one after 5 minutes, the second one after another 5 minutes and so on. So you had better make sure you climb onto the next dunk tanks seat in good time. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you that each tank is filled with something different.”
Carla doesn’t seem at all perturbed as she playfully kicks her legs as Sarah-Jane faces the camera.
“This means I am without an assistant host, so I am delighted to welcome on stage Nikki, who will be deputising for Carla.”
Nikki strode on wearing a sexy Santa costume which left little to the imagination, black stockings and red high heel shoes.
“Welcome Nikki. I understand you have recently appeared on an International edition of CSWL, and also on Horse Racing Roulette.”
“Yes I have Sarah-Jane. I have enjoyed appearing but I do seem to have a habit of getting messy and losing my clothes. I am hoping this doesn’t happen again tonight.”
“I am sure it won’t as Carla seems to be the chosen one tonight.”
Sarah-Jane waves to Carla, who waves back but at that moment the seat gives way and propells Carla into the tank below. Carla squeals as she gets submerged in the contents of the tank before we see her reappearing after finding the dunk tank floor with her feet. She stands up in the tank covered in slimey green gunge. The gunge level comes to her waist, as Carla wipes her eyes clear of gunge and re-adjusts her gunge soaked hair by running her hands through it.
Sarah-Jane smiles “Oooh, a nice gunge dunking for Carla there!” As Carla clambers out of the tank and heads for the next one, Sarah-Jane returns to face the camera:”
“Let me remind you of the rules for the Ultimate CSWL:-
* We have already announced the 20 nominated ladies who are participating and which teams they have been assigned to (alphabetically). The graphic below shows them all.
* There will be 4 rounds covering the following gameweeks during the festive period:-
Gameweek 18 – 21/22/23 Dec
Gameweek 19 – 26/27 Dec
Gameweek 20 – 29/30 Dec
Gameweek 21 – 1/2/3 Jan
*The results from each Gamweek will be announced before the next Gamewek starts
* Scoring is as follows:- if a team wins then it’s 5 points awarded; if a team draws then it’s 2 points; if a team loses then it’s 0 points. There will also be 1 point awarded for each goal scored by the team.
* Points for each round will be added up for each lady, and the lady with the least amount of points in each round will get to spin the forfeit wheel three times. In the event of a tie, there will be a tie-breaker decided by me.
* There will also be a public online vote during the event. The most voted for lady will get 0 points, the second most will get 1 point and so on, with the least voted lady getting 20 points.
* After all 4 rounds have been played, the points from each round will be added together including points from the online vote, and the lady with the least amount of points will receive the ultimate messy forfeit. Again, in the event of a tie, there will be a tie-breaker decided by me.”
A loud siren was heard, as attention turns to the second dunk tank to see Carla being dropped into the contents. Large splashes were created as Carla hit the surface. By the time she had regained her balance and was able to stand, everyone could see that this dunk tank was full of water. This has the effect of washing away most of the gunge from the first tank, and had made Carla clean again. As she climbed out of the tank, her stockinged legs glistened under the studio lights.
Sarah-Jane looked towards Nikki, and asked her to tell everyone the details about the public vote.
“The public online vote opens tonight. You have until 9:45 pm on 3rd January to cast your vote, which coincides with the end of the last match of the Gameweek 21 which is Manchester City vs Liverpool. There is no repeat voting allowed, so choose your vote carefully. You may want to wait until later into the competition to see how the results are going before you decide who to vote for. As ever, it’s completely up to you.”
Nikki was interrupted by another siren as Carla gets dropped into the third dunk tank. When she stands up inside the tank, she can now be seen to be covered in sticky honey.
Nikki laughs “We all knew that Carla was a bit of a honey, and now she is covered in it!” Carla sarcastically laughs at Nikki’s joke as she wipes her eyes and face clear of honey.
Sarah-Jane continues with the show, as a honey coated Carla makes her way to the fourth and final dunk tank.
“So let’s have a look forward to Gameweek 18, and see which ladies could be in trouble. Nikki, what do you think?”
“I’ve had a look at the fixtures and Burnley face a very difficult away trip to Arsenal who are scoring goals for fun. So it could get messy for Camille. But then Crystal Palace look to have a similarly difficult tie away to high flying Chelsea, so a messing could be in store for Iskra.”
“Thank you for that Nikki. I think it will be a very interesting first round of fixtures, and I am sure all of our 20 contestants will be eagerly watching the results as they come in.”
Sarah-Jane looks down at her watch and beckons the camera to focus on Carla who has now made it to the fourth and final dunk tank.
“You look very sticky up there Carla!”
Carla just smiles back, as the siren then sounds and the inevitable happens with Carla being sent into the tank. This time there is no splashing sounds and it is replaced by a gentle thud sound. All became clear as Carla stands up in the tank to show that she is now completely covered in white feathers. The tank was full of them and had naturally attached themselves to the honey coated Carla.
Nikki was first to comment “Ha Ha, you look like a chicken!”
Carla looked towards Nikki with a bit of a glaring look as the now ridiculous looking brunette clambered out of the tank.
Sarah-Jane stood next to Nikki, as they both returned to face the camera and Sarah-Jane started to wrap up.
“So that’s the end of our preview show. Hope you enjoyed it at home and tune back in after the 23rd December when we will announce the results from Gameweek 18, and one of our celebrity contestants will be spinning the forfeit wheel three times…….”
Sarah-Jane was interrupted by Carla who had silently crept behind Nikki. With a smile on her face, Carla quickly grabbed Nikki’s Santa’s costume and sharply pulled the garment downwards. A shocked Nikki looked down at herself to see the costume now nestling around her ankles, with her large tits fully exposed to the audience. The stripping also revealed that Nikki was wearing a skimpy pair of black knickers, black stockings and suspenders.
Before Nikki could do anything else, Carla reaches for a bucket that she had filled up from the first dunk tank and upended it over Nikki’s head. Green gunge sploshed all over Nikki and splashed over her front and tits.
Sarah-Jane was visibly taken aback by seeing her new temporary assistant host being humiliated and messed up in this way.
The feather and honey covered Carla sniggered “Now who’s looking the most daft. Me looking like a chicken, or you with your tits out and gunged?”
Nikki smiles to herself “I should have guessed this might happen.” as she knelt down to grab her costume and pulled it up her body to its original position, to cover herself up.
Sarah-Jane turned to the camera “After that exciting finale, it’s time to wrap up the preview show. See you soon with the results from Gameweek 18. And don’t forget that the public vote opens today and will close on 3rd January.”
I thought I’d better do this before it gets too late. We’ve had some good stuff this year and it would be a shame on to look back on it. I might make a logo later if I have time, but for now, your nominations please to the following categories:
Best celebrity wamming for a female public figure who got wet or messy in 2018.
Best WAM show for a commercial programme (TV or online) that consistently produced good scenes.
Best civilian WAM for media of ordinary people getting wet or messy for ordinary reasons.
The Holy Grail Award for the turn-up of a classic scene, where either the scene wasn’t previously available or the quality or length is improved.
The Goolitzer Prize for a work or series of works in WAM literature or art, published here or elsewhere.
The Showercap of Shame for the biggest downer of the year, be it a gutting escape, a lame scene that didn’t deliver to its potential, or an event that negatively impacted the community.
Nominations will be open for a fortnightish, after which the nominees will be put to a public vote. You may make as many nominations as you wish. Please remember that MessySoMessy has revised the minimum age from 16 up to 18.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
(This story contains nudity)
Vicky smiled “Ok, onto question 2. ‘How many eggs were consumed in the UK in 2017?’ and I need your answer to the nearest billion.”
As Vicky asked the question, 5 large trays of eggs were brought onto the stage and placed onto a table adjacent to the 3 ladies.
Vicky looked at the chocolate covered Chloe. “Don’t worry we won’t start with you this time. I think Jessica can take the first guess.”
As Jessica sighed, her breasts jiggled slightly inside her bra. Jessica looked upwards as if trying to find some inspiration from somewhere, and then brought her gaze down to look directly at Vicky.
“This is a pure guess, but I will say 6 billion.”
“Ok thank you Jessica. Chloe, can I have your guess please?”
“When will I be released from these handcuffs?”
“I won’t tell you again Chloe, can you please stop complaining. You have 5 seconds to give me your answer otherwise I will crack all these eggs over you as a punishment.”
“Ok Ok. There’s no need for that! Hmmm, I think it’s less than 6 billion, so I’ll go for 5 billion.”
“At last, thank you Chloe. Now Sally, what do you think the answer is?”
A look of relief could be seen on Sally’s face as she realised that she could avoid the mess again by providing an answer in between the two previous guesses.
Confidently she answered “I’ll go for 5.5 billion”
Both Chloe and Jessica looked daggers at Sally as they also realised that this meant Sally wouldn’t be the one with the answer that was furthest away.
“Thank you Sally. We now have all the answers in. So who’s going to get an eggy messing?”
There was a dramatic pause as the audience and the 3 handcuffed ladies waited for Vicky to continue.
“I can reveal that the answer is 13 billion, which means the lady with the answer that was furthest away is………Chloe!”
Chloe let out a yelp at the news that she had lost again, as the audience cheered.
“I’m already topless and covered in chocolate. Can’t it be someone else to get the eggs?”
“I’m afraid not Chloe. It was a fair question and you have lost, and now you must receive your prize!”
Vicky picked up the first tray of eggs “I’m going to enjoy this!” and proceeded to crack the first egg on top of Chloe’s head. The eggy yolk exploded over Chloe’s forehead and hair as Vicky reached for the second egg and cracked it in the same place. Vicky got an action going so that each egg was picked up in turn and splatted on Chloe’s head. Every time she did, it got a rapturous roar from the audience. Soon all the eggs from the first tray had been used and Chloe had egg dripping down her hair and face and onto her naked tits.
Vicky remarked “The egg makes a nice contrast to the thick chocolate. It suits you Chloe!”
“Very funny!” was the sarcastic reply.
Vicky reaches down for the second and third egg trays, but remained crouched, as she also grabbed hold of a nearby jug, and began to crack the contents of the eggs into the jug.
Chloe watched Vicky and wondered what was going to happen. Vicky made quick work of cracking the eggs and the jug was soon full. Vicky grabbed another empty jug, so that she could crack all the eggs from the fourth and fifth trays into it.
Vicky quickly finished cracking all the eggs, and now had two full jugs of eggy slime. She stood back up, holding one of the jugs and leaving the other on the floor. Vicky approaches Chloe and asks her “What do you think I am going to do with this jug?”
Chloe shrugged her shoulders, as Vicky smiled as she reached for the elasticated top of Chloe’s knickers and pulls them out slightly with her forefinger.
“Don’t you dare!”
Chloe gasps as Vicky starts to pour the jug inside her knickers. The sloppy egg sloshed into her knickers as Chloe let out a squeal. She felt the eggy slime pour over her most sensitive parts. Vicky emptied the whole jug in, and Chloe’s knickers quickly became saturated and see-through as, the egg seeped through the knicker material and started to run down her stockinged legs.
Vicky put the empty jug down and picked up the other full jug. This time she walked around the back of Chloe and reached for the elasticated top on the back of her knickers. Chloe craned her neck so that she could see what Vicky was doing, and saw that the jug was about to be poured into the back of her knickers and all over her cute bottom.
Chloe squealed as the eggy slime coated her bottom and ran down her bum crack.
Vicky poured the entire contents inside before letting the elasticated top snap back. Vicky patted Chloe’s bottom “There you go, your knickers are now full of egg.”
“I can’t believe you have done that Vicky. I feel all yucky!”
Vicky giggled “Well, you had better start getting better with your answers!”
The audience laughed, and Chloe observed her work colleagues having immense fun seeing her being messed up.
Although not enamoured with being handcuffed in front of the rest of their work colleagues, Jessica and Sally started to think that they may escape clean, if Chloe continued to answer the questions the way she was.
Vicky glanced down at her cue cards “Ok, lets move onto the next question. Custard pies were very popular on Saturday morning television programme Tiswas. But can you tell me the year that the last show was broadcast?”
You decide how the story continues. Will Chloe get the vote for the third time, or will Jessica or Sally face the custard pies? Polls close 5pm on Monday, and for a bit of fun I’ve made repeat voting allowable
All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
ROUND 1: Clucking Hell
A sequence of adverts plays, and then the scene opens at a section of the stage that is made up to look like a barn, with wooden supports and rafters. The floor is strewn with straw, and farmyard noises like cows mooing and sheep baaing can be heard.
Side-by-side in the middle of the set are what appear to be two mini assault courses. The first stage of each of these courses is a pool of murky water, with bars widthways above it to force the contestants to crawl low. Next there are a pair of troughs filled with what is meant to look like grain, with more bars across to force the players to go low. The third and final obstacle on each course is a large hay bale. On the other side of this bale, each course boasts what appears to be a giant bird’s nest, while start of each course, a steel chute looms overhead, complete with a cord dangling down. The only distinction between the two courses is that one is decked out with red markings and ribbons, and the other blue.
Natalie and Clara shuffle onto the set, disdainful as their heels brush through the straw.
Clara: [Tutting] Ugh dear, they really give us the glamorous locations on this show, eh Nat?
Natalie: I know, Clara. Reminds me of that episode of Country File I did.
Clara: [raising an eyebrow] Oh, I didn’t know you’d done Country File.
Natalie: Yeah, I stood in once when Ellie Harrison was off sick. Never again! [shudders] I was trying to milk this cow and all of these farm lads were sniggering at me. Turned out it was a bull!
Clara: Did you get any milk out of it?
Natalie: [stony-faced] No comment.
Clara: [Turning to the camera] Hello there, in case you’ve just tuned in and are wondering what this all about, this isn’t Country File. It’s Grudge-2-Sludge, and we’re about to play the first round!
Natalie: Or at least we’re supposed to be, but as usual the contestants are still cooped up backstage!
Clara: Cooped up? Maybe they’re just too chicken to come out, Nat! [Calls] Juliette! Bec! Let’s see you!
–>
A chorus of chicken sound effects ensues, soon to be followed by a chorus of laughter from the audience. A door opens and Juliette and Bec step out wearing chicken suits, bright yellow and feathery, with bulging abdomens and oversized feet (but no head gear). They blush as they waddle through the straw.
Natalie: Don’t know why you two are looking so unhappy. We’re being very generous to you!
Clara: That’s right. At the beginning of the night we said we’d give one of you a fabulous hen party, but actually we’re giving both of you an opportunity to be hens!
Natalie: This round is called Clucking Hell and the objective is a simple one: lay as many eggs as you can!
Clara: The eggs will come out of the chutes up here; simply pull the cord to release one. You then have to transport your egg over to your nest – via the watering hole, the grain trough, and finally the hay bale!
Natalie: Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? But there is a catch. Being hens, the only way you can carry your egg is inside your body!
Juliette: Well this sounds a bit x-rated.
Clara: If you pull away the trousers of your costumes, you’ll find there’s quite a lot of room down there, and I’m sure can guess what it’s for!
Bec: For mah beer belly? [While she and Juliette experiment by pulling out the expansive waistbands of the lower section of their costumes.]
Natalie: No! It’s for putting your egg in!
Bec: Oh!
Clara: You’re only allowed to touch your egg with your hands while at the start line or the finish line. At all other times it must be inside your suit!
Natalie: For each egg you put in your nest – whole and intact – you will earn two points to your tally.
Clara: Oh, and another thing about eggs…
Natalie and Clara togther: They break!
Natalie: So is everything understood? If so, get to your starting positions!
Juliette and Bec waddle to the starts of their respective courses, poised to pull the cords above their heads.
Clara: Ninety seconds on the clock! On your marks, set, GO!
Natalie and Clara hurriedly beat a retreat through the straw as play commences. Juliette and Bec leap up and yank the cords, causing two ‘eggs’ – pale brown and slightly bigger than rugby balls – to be fired from the chutes. Bec is ready and catches hers cleanly, but Juliette fumbles hers and it lands on her head. The ‘eggshell’ is made of a brittle sugar-based material, which, as the presenters warned, is highly breakable. The egg shatters, and Juliette squeals as her hair is coated with bright-yellow goo.
Bec laughs at her fiancée’s misfortune as she tucks her egg snugly down the trousers of her chicken suit. She heads towards the pool, and perhaps reverting to her diving habits, splashes into the water quite forcefully. The water is cold and bracing, soaking Bec’s feathery chicken suit, but Bec’s attention is drawn towards another kind of sticky wetness, closer to home. She stands up in the pool, clutching at the crotch area of her trousers while a shocked expression grows on her face. A peek inside the costume confirms that the egg has burst inside, sending yellow goo down her legs and onto her panties. Now it’s Juliette’s turn to laugh.
Cringing, Bec returns to the start line to catch another egg, then returns to the pool. She and Juliette are neck-and-neck as they duck low under the bars, getting drenched further. They then crawl through the troughs of ‘grain’, and the brown powdery stuff sticks to their soggy suits. Finally they clamber, somewhat gingerly, over the hay bales to deposit their eggs inside their nests. It’s then back to the start to collect their next egg.
While the seconds tick down on an on-screen clock, the players get into the swing of things and the nests begin to fill up. Bec is gifted a slight edge thanks to a few blunders by Juliette; the blonde fumbles a couple more of her catches, splashing herself with more yellow slime, and also smashing one of the eggs inside her trousers while clambering over the hay bale, gasping with surprise as the gooey egg bursts around her nether regions.
About halfway through, straw begins to fall from the rafter, sticking to Juliette and Bec along with the grain. Their dishevelled costumes are now heavily weighted with water and mess, more to the point and their trousers are now at risk of falling down! The girls clutch at their waistbands as they stagger along.
Bec drops her egg in her nest. It cracks open. She swears.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …SIX!! FIVE!! FOUR!!…
Juliette stuffs an egg into her trousers and scrambles through the water pool.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!
A cockerel crows to signal the end of play, while a huge quantity of straw is dropped on the two contestants.
Natalie: [striding onto the set] STOP!! Stay right where you are!
Juliette and Bec shake off the excess straw and wipe their faces. Juliette is standing in her pool of water, while Bec is seated amidst the grain.
Clara: [Following Clara into the drifts of straw] Whew! For an opening game that was quite a messy one!
Natalie: It was a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation if you ask me, Clara!
Clara: Yes, but who came first! Only way to find out is to do the count. You do Juliette first, Nat!
Natalie negotiates her passage over to the nest interwoven with red ribbons (and now heavily splattered with straw and grain). She lifts out the eggs and places them beside the nest, careful to use a feather-light touch to avoid cracking them.
Natalie: One, two, three, four, five, six… half a dozen, plus one more – seven! Juliette, you’re the proud recipient of 14 points!
Juliette: Woo! [Wearily raises a fist]
Clara: [making her way over to the blue-decorated nest] And let’s have a gander at yours, Bec. One, two, three – [pulls a face] eugh! That one’s broken so it doesn’t count – three, four, five, six, seven… eight! Nice work, Bec, you’ve pipped Juliette with sixteen points!
Bec: Get in!
Bec sticks her tongue out at Juliette. Juliette, duly riled, chucks the egg still in her possession at Bec. It smashes on the side of Bec’s face, giving that side of her head a good coating of yellow.
Bec: Oh, like that, is it?!
Bec retaliates by grabbing Juliette’s trousers, revealing Juliette’s yellow-coated legs and previously white panties, now also stained yellow. She grabs a handful of straw and shoves it down the back of those panties.
Natalie: Oi oi! We’ve got a backstage area for getting changed in, you know!
Clara: Yes, and I think you’d better go there now, before things get out of hand! Go on, both of you, hoppit!
Juliette and Bec turn and trudge off-stage, but as they go, Juliette grabs Bec’s trousers and pulls them down to get even.
Natalie: Dear me! They’re a bit passionate, these soon-to-be-weds!
Clara: Hopefully there’ll calm down a bit backstage, as they cleaned up and changed for the next round. See you in a jiffy, folks. [To Natalie as the scene fades out] Seriously? You, presenting Countryfile?!
ROUND 2: Flan the Frauds (Postie Edition)
The Flan the Frauds title sequence plays and then the scene opens in the relevant part of the studio. The two contestants are sitting in armchairs, Juliette having reverted to her slimline wedding dress and Bec to her beachwear. The only signs of their prior dishevelment are a slight dampness of their hair and a few errant bits of straw.
On tables in front of the contestants, colossal shaving-cream pies sit, dyed pastel pink or blue to represent the player colour. Opposite, the potential targets of these pies are lined up in a neat row – seven women wearing bright-red button-neck t-shirts and navy-blue shorts (except in one case).
In the space between, Natalie and Clara are standing. Interestingly, they are accompanied by a young man.
Natalie: Here we are, all ready for Round Two! But who is this handsome gentleman, I hear you all ask? Well, he’s my boyfriend, Stuart, and seeing as this episode is all about celebrating relationships, I’ve brought him along to show you all!
Stuart is perhaps 20 or 21 – a bit younger than Natalie’s 28 years. Dressed in smart trousers and a silk shirt, he is of average height, and his physique is toned but not overly muscular. He has olive skin, and his dark hair and beard are painstakingly styled.
Natalie: [putting an arm around Stuart’s hip] Stuart and I have been going out for four weeks now! We met in Marrakech!
Clara: Ooo, exotic!
Natalie: Only if your idea of exotic is sticky floors and the condom machine getting busted open every night. I’m talking about Marrakech Night Club, just down the street from here! Stuart works there as a bartender, and I must say, I love a man who can mix me a cocktail with suaveness and a smile… [looks at Stuart and adds pointedly] even if he can’t afford to buy it for me.
Stuart’s face falls somewhat at this exposé.
Natalie: But hey ho, we can’t all be highly paid TV presenters! Although you do have your dreams, don’t you, Stuart? [Nudges Clara] Stuart’s a budding magician!
Clara: Oh really? Why don’t you show us a trick, Stuart?
Stuart: [very bashfully] Oh, er… well… I don’t know.
Natalie: Come on Stuart! It’s not like you not to perform! [Winks at the camera]
Stuart: Well, okay then…
Stuart approaches Natalie, and to her surprise, reaches down into the slit at the front of her leather catsuit. He makes a great play of rummaging around her abdomen.
Natalie: [laughing nervously] Uhh, Stuart, isn’t it better we do this sort of thing in private…?
With a flourish, Stuart whisks a bouquet of red carnations out of the catsuit, and presents them to Natalie.
Natalie Oh! How sweet of you! [To Clara] See? He’s a good boyfriend!
Stuart puts his hand back inside the catsuit. He pulls out a second bouquet, twice the size of the first, this time of blue carnations. These he presents not to Natalie but to Clara, in a very gracious manner.
Clara: Ahh! Thanks Stuart!
Natalie’s face shows that she approves rather less of this gesture.
Stuart’s hand is back inside the catsuit, and this time he retrieves a silk purse, which he pockets.
Natalie: Hey! That’s mine!
Stuart: Looks like I won’t have a problem buying drinks tonight!
Stuart returns his hand inside the catsuit and pulls out a 35cl bottle of gin, half consumed.
Natalie: [scandalised] That’s not mine!
Next Stuart reels out several metres of bunting, a couple of strings of sausages, and finally several long, bendy balloons. He deftly sculpts these into a dog and gives it Natalie, who is starting to look rather annoyed by the whole performance. Then Stuart reaches in extra deep, bending over and stretching his arm with feigned exertion.
Stuart: Gotcha!
Stuart whisks out a slinky pair of pink and black polka-dotted panties, and waves them to the audience like a flag.
Natalie:Yeeeek!!
Natalie instinctively claps her hands to her crotch and bum, confirming from the feel of the leather that Stuart has indeed removed her undies. Her cheeks redden, and she snatches the panties from Stuart and swipes at him with them.
Natalie: Get off my stage, you pest! Off! Off!
Stuart beats a hasty retreat. Natalie briefly assesses whether she can put the panties back on while wearing the catsuit, but soon gives up. She is mystified as to how Stuart got them off.
Clara: [stiffling a giggle] Well there’s a man with a special touch! Nice flowers, by the way. It’s time to get down to the next game, which is as always Flan the Frauds!
Natalie: [still looking cross] Juliette and Bec, once we’ve settled the question of what wedding you’re having, you’ll be able to send out the invitations, and perhaps it’ll be one of the posties opposite who delivers them! Or then again, perhaps not. Let’s meet them.
The camera begins at the left-hand end of the row, slowly moving across to showcase the seven women. Each of them has a name badge fixed to her t-shirt.
Sal appears to be in her late thirties and has an average build. She has long and slightly wavy mid-brown hair, which flows freely about her shoulders, and wears a pair of narrow-framed glasses.
Justine is bean-pole tall, although strangely she is also wearing the shortest shorts – high up her thighs. Around age 25, she has black hair with a low fringe and swishy bits at the sides. her eyes are an unusually vivid green.
Katarzyna also looks to be mid-twenties. She has a slight figure, almost flat-chested. Her hair is fine and whitish blonde, tied into a pair of pigtails, and she has a cute face with a slavic cheekbones and a small nose and mouth.
Chelle has mid-brown skin and gently curling black hair in a loose bunch behind her head. Her large mouth grins at the camera as it passes. She has a full figure with thick thighs and prominent curves under her red t-shirt. Late twenties.
Kayleigh is the shortest of the line-up. Like Chelle, she has stout hips and a hefty chest and is probably around 25. Her black hair is shaved back and sides, similar to Bec’s, with the longer bit on top tied in a bun.
Patricia is tall and slim and in her early thirties. She has curly red hair, cut to an unruly bird’s nest style, and she wears a pair of round, steel-framed glasses. She has a long face and a fairly big nose.
Wendy is in her forties, but sports a trim and sprightly figure. She has a freckled complexion and shoulder-length, sandy-coloured hair. She is at odds with the rest of the line-up in that she is wearing trousers instead of shorts.
Clara: All of these ladies came here tonight expecting to be in the studio audience! They had no prior knowledge they’d be taking part, and they don’t know each other or our contestants. But there is one important distinction dividing this group. You see, each of these ladies is either a genuine deliverer of Her Majesty’s mail, or is a postal imposter!
Natalie: You might say they’re second class, Clara.
The audience groans.
Natalie: Oh come on! I thought that was an okay joke.
Clara: Must be the delivery, Nat.
The audience groans again.
Clara: There could be any number of frauds lurking in this line-up, subject to the sure fact that at least one is a fraud, and at least one is for real. Juliette and Bec, it is your job to man the sorting office!
Natalie: In order to separate the penny blacks from the penny dreadfuls, you will take turns to question our participants. You can ask almost anything, except to ask directly whether they are frauds or for real, or for their opinion on their fellow participants. We’ve permitted our frauds – or perhaps fraud – 30 minutes of online research to aid in their bluffing; let’s hope they’ve learnt more than you can write on a postage stamp!
Yet more groaning.
Clara: After listening to the answers, you must choose one of the line-up you think is a fraud, and give them a very special delivery!
Clara grins as she gestures the mountainous flans. The women in postal uniforms groan and chuckle nervously.
Natalie: Once a participant has been flanned she is out of play, and the other player puts a question to the participants who are still in play. The game goes on until all the frauds have been flanned, or when one of you declines to flan, at which point the questioning stops, and the other player has a final chance to flan any number of the surviving participants.
Clara: When all’s done, we’ll ask the line-up to reveal their true natures. For each fraud that you correctly flan, we’ll add five points to your tally. But each mis-flanning of a genuine postie will come with a three-point penalty!
Natalie: [turns to the line-up] Ladies, I’m sure these flans are the kind of package you’d prefer not to have delivered, especially direct to your face. But as a bit of extra incentive, any of you who manages to avoid the flans will receive a rather more pleasant article instead. [Waves a pile of golden envelopes] Yep, each of these contains £250 cash!
The audience woos.
Clara: So, is everyone clear on everything?
There follows nodding and yessing from the contestants and the line-up.
Natalie: Bec, you have the lead, so you get to choose: go first or second?
Bec: [Smirking towards Juliette] Ah’ll go first, naturally.
Clara: It’s all yours then – ask away!
Bec: Hello there, ladies. Ah hope you don’t take offence to this, but ye posties are well known for yer grumbling. So, what’s the thing ye dislike the most about being a postie?
The camera fixes upon Sal.
Sal: One word: dogs.
The camera moves along to Justine.
Justine: Yeah, dogs are bad but actually I find cats worse. The way they just sit in the garden path and refuse to budge, and you end up facing off in a staring contest… [Stares her green eyes at the camera in an unsettling fashion] Nah, can’t be doing with cats!
The camera continues along the line.
Katarzyna: [in a strong Polish accent] I do not like letter box that snap on fingers.
Chelle: Yeah, agree with Katarzyna about lethal letterboxes, but to add one of my own, I’ll say people who don’t put the postcode.
Kayleigh: [in a Scottish accent similar to Bec’s] Well, what really pisses me off is people like ye who say that posties grumble all the time! Ah mean, ah think ye’d grumble too if ye had to get up for work at 5 a.m. – on a Saturday nae less – and with piss-poor pay and conditions as well! And do we get any gratitude for it…?!
Bec: [mumbles] Ah rest mah case.
When Kayleigh has finished ranting the camera moves on to Patricia.
Patricia: Well, I have to disagree with what Kayleigh said about cats. In fact, I have a black and white cat that rides with me in the post van! But as for dislikes about the job, I honestly don’t have any. What’s not to like, when all the birds are singing and the day is just beginning?
Wendy: Gates with ceased-up catches. Come on people, how much does a little oil cost?
Natalie: Ooh, quite a list of woes there. Bec, you have your run of the seven; who are you going to flan?
Bec rises from her armchair and picks up one of her mounded blue flans in both hands. She heads briskly to the far right-hand side of the line, and holds her flan beneath Wendy’s chin. Wendy closes her eyes and raises her mouth in a cringing smile.
But then Bec whisks the pie away. She moves leftward to Patricia, and circles the pie around the woman’s red curls, Patricia’s eyes following the pie from behind her round glasses. Bec moves leftward again, taunting Chelle with the pie, then wafts the pie around Katarzyna. Then, arriving to Justine, she says:
Bec Well, Justine, ah’m not impressed with a cat being yer worst nightmare. Also yer shorts are too short and yer eyes are freaking me out!
Bec springs forth with her pie. Because of Justine’s height relative to Bec, the pie is delivered in an uppercut to the chin, leaving an especially heavy bulk of cream around Justine’s lower face, as well plopping down into the opening of her t-shirt. Nonetheless, plenty of the cream sprays upwards, covering the rest of Justine’s face, whipping up her fringe, and turning the lengths of hair that frame her face from black to pale blue.
As Bec walks away, Justine splutters and wipes at her mouth. A few blinks, and the green eyes return through the cream, as vivid and scary as ever.
Clara: Well there’s a cat that got the cream! Great first flanning, Bec! Juliette, now you get to ask a question.
Juliette: Good evening, ladies. [Sighs] I’m sorry that Bec got things off on a downer; she always has to be negative! So to brighten the mood, tell me a bit about your patch where you deliver your mail, and in particular tell me what you like about it.
Sal: First of all, it’s a round, not a patch, and mine is in a small town in Lincolnshire. Best thing about it is it’s completely flat, which makes it good to do the round on my bike.
The camera skips past Justine, whose green eyes are still staring out from the disc of pale-blue cream.
Katarzyna: I deliver post in Crewe in Cheshire. It have big Polish community and good Polish shops!
Chelle: South-east London, me – SE12, if you want the postcode, as I’m sure you do. Cool community there. Not many big gardens to walk through, but a few tower blocks to go up and down.
Kayleigh: Me, ah deliver to a council estate in Glasgy. The good thing aboot it is there’s nae many letters cos most folk cannae read. And mah post bag gets nicked halfway through anyway.
Patricia: I deliver to a little village surrounded by rolling countryside, and everyone who lives there is unbelievably nice! The post office is run by a lovely old lady, and there’s a kindly vicar at the church… they all smile as I wave to greet them! If you ever become cynical about life it’s the place to visit!
Wendy: My round was changed recently – they’re always restructuring – so I’ve just started a new round in Brighton. It’s nice to be by the sea.
Clara: Hopefully those answers have put you in a more positive mood, Juliette. Now put us all in a good mood by using your flan!
Juliette selects a pie from the table – just as creamy and mountainous as Bec’s but tinted pink instead of blue. She heads in a slightly off-centre direction, to stand beside Kaleigh. Unlike with Bec, there is no pretence about whom she intends to flan.
Juliette: Kayleigh, this is partly because you’re a little too over the top to be true, but partly because you have a uncanny resemblance to Bec in your personality. You’re not a long-lost cousin, are you?
Before Kayleigh has a chance to answer, Juliette smashes the pie into her face, wielding surprising force for a wannabe princess. The cream engulfs not only Kayleigh’s facial features but the front half of her head, covering her shaved sides as well as the longer hair on top. Juliette finishes the job by pushing the pie back and up, giving the tin a final rub around.
Kayleigh’s mouth opens in a wide ‘O’ among the cream on her face as she reaches up to wipe her eyes. She grabs the pie tin and flings it after Juliette, who narrowly dodges.
Kayleigh: Ye wanna see over the top? Ah’ll show ye over the top!
Natalie: Ok, calm down, Kayleigh! Good flanning by the way, Juliette. Bec, it’s your question again.
Bec: What’s the weirdest thing ye’ve ever had to deliver?
Sal: I once delivered a bowling ball, and I know it was a bowling ball because there were finger-holes in the parcel paper. I was tempted to bowl it down the garden path and score a strike with the milk bottles – but I didn’t.
Katarzyna: I once have live snake escape from package in van! It wrap itself around handbrake!
Chelle: I once delivered a banana – no external packaging or anything – just address and stamps on the skin! It was a bit black by the time I delivered it, but that what’s you get for sending second class. Still, sender used the correct postcode, which was the main thing.
The camera transitions past Kayleigh, who is still cursing in Glaswegian as she flicks bits of shaving cream away.
Patricia: Well, the people in the village I deliver to don’t go in for weird things. But I do deliver lots of interesting tools to the nice handyman at his workshop.
Wendy: I once had a toy get set off inside its wrapping. And when I say ‘toy’, I mean one for grown-ups! [Wags a finger] Aside from anything else, it’s against postal regs to send things with batteries in, people!
Natalie: Ooh, that’s us told! Plenty of tales there, but which are tall tales? It’s flan time, Bec!
Bec stands up and selects another piled blue pie from the table. She strides purposely towards Chelle, and holds the pie under the brown-skinned woman’s face.
Bec: Ah can’t help noticing ye’re a wee bit obsessed with postcodes…
Bec swings around 180 degrees, slamming the flan into the face of neighbouring Katarzyna, who is completely unprepared. The Polish woman staggers back as blue cream sprays out in all directions, some it catching Chelle and Bec herself.
Bec: …which makes me think ye’re a true postie. [Turning to Katarzyna] Ye, on the other hand… Ah find yer snake story a tad suspect. Ah can’t really see how it would have got round the handbrake, cos these vans usually have a separator between the back and the cab!
Katarzyna squeals in a delayed reaction as she expels the cream from her mouth and nose.
Clara: Bec, you’re quite the trickster! It’s three down, four still standing, and Juliette the next question is yours to ask.
Juliette: So in recent years the postal service has seen a lot of competition – mobile phones, email, social media… What do you think is the future for the postal service?
Sal: Pah! And I thought you wanted to keep things upbeat! [Shrugs] Well, I hope I won’t be put out to grass for a few years yet.
The camera swings past Justine and Katarzyna, the latter of whom is trying to wring cream out of her pigtails.
Chelle: I’m not worried! The efficiency of the postcode system is fit for the twenty-first century!
Patricia: Well, not everyone on my round goes online. Take this nice old granny I deliver to, for instance – she doesn’t know her Amazon from her elbow!
Wendy: Actually, the internet has led to more people shopping online instead of on the high street – more deliveries for us!
Clara: Ooh, getting a bit philosophical! Bring us back down to earth, Juliette!
Juliette picks up her pie and heads towards the right-hand end of the line. Although Wendy looks a tad nervous, Patricia’s face shows that she knows the game is up. Sure enough, Juliette stops in front of her.
Juliette: Nicely done, Postwoman Pat with your black and white cat! It took me a while to twig what you were doing there. Do give my regards to everyone in Greendale!
Patricia smirks and closes her eyes (even though they are behind glassses) as she awaits the pie. The flan engulfs her big nose first, followed by the rest of her face, and then her curly ginger hair as Juliette crumples the pie tin around her head. Juliette then pulls the pie tin away, leaving a huge mound of pink cream where Patricia’s head once was. Patricia removes her glasses, leaving two circular patches of uncovered skin, and smiles sheepishly.
Natalie: Pat goes splat! Bec, put another question!
Bec: Last year ah sent mah mum a birthday card and it never arrived! What happened to it?
Sal: Did you really send one? Or is the “it must be lost in the post” excuse to cover up that you forgot?
Juliette: [mouthing] She forgot!
Chelle: Did you use the postcode? Because if you didn’t you’ve only yourself to blame!
Wendy: Dunno. If you contact the local sorting office they might be able to help you.
Natalie: Not much sympathy for you, Bec. I’m sure you’ll come to your decision.
Bec: [sits back and ponders for a minute] Nah! These all sound like real posties to me – no customer service!
Clara: You’re saying that you’re calling it quits?
Bec: Aye, ah’m calling it quits.
Natalie: Right then! Juliette, it’s up to you to finish the game up. These three faces are all yours for the flanning – if you want!
Juliette strokes her chin and draws in her breath. She reaches out and toys with one of the flans on her table, rotating the tin slightly. Then she sits back again.
Juliette: Hmm. Bec may be cynical, but she’s normally a good judge of character. And I’m pretty convinced that these three are real myself. So that’s me done as well.
Clara: [looking disappointed] No more flans then. Well all that remains is for our posties to open their envelopes and show what’s inside. Off you go, ladies!
Sal: [looking supremely smug as she pulls away the outer layer of her name badge] I’m a fraud!
Justine: [green eyes fixing the camera from her now largely wiped face] I’m a fraud!
Katarzyna: [digging through the cream on her t-shirt to find her name badge] I am for real! That snake did go round handbrake – I don’t know how!
Chelle: [smiling as she peels off her badge] For real!
Kayleigh: Ye call me over the top, but ah’m totally for real!
Patricia: Fraud, of course!
Wendy: I’m for real!
Juliette and Bec shake their heads as they consider the mistakes they made, but it seems the audience are surprised by some of the revelations too.
Natalie: Mmm. Mediocre performance from both of you, although it wasn’t an easy one this week. Juliette, you correctly flanned Postwoman Patricia, but your flanning of Kayleigh wasn’t such a wise move. So, all in all, 5 minus 3 makes… [pulls a face] two points!
Clara: Bec, it was same story with you – right with Justine, wrong with Katarzyna – so 2 points for you as well!
Juliette and Bec look at each other and shrug.
Natalie: [Tutting as she turns to the posties] £750 down! It’s an expensive night, Clara! Sal, Chelle and Wendy – congratulations on avoiding the flans, Sal especially for fooling our contestants. Come over here and collect the cash!
The three women leave their places in the line-up and go to get their golden envelopes from Natalie, while the audience applauds. The remaining cream-covered participants smile ruefully as Clara addresses them.
Clara: Justine, Katarzyna, Kayleigh and Patricia – all you get is your coating of flan, and of course these stylish Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry packs, courtesy of our sponsers! [Poses with one of the iconic box-sets of branded toiletries] Must say we’ve received lots of good feedback about these so far!
Natalie: Yes, although a couple of people have complained that there isn’t enough shampoo.
Clara: Really? Oh, we can soon fix that.
As Clara finishes speaking, four torrents of translucent green slime fall from the ceiling, carefully aimed at the four women’s heads. The women scream as the slime further ruins their hair and soaks their t-shirts, mixing with the shaving cream.
Natalie: That did the trick! Don’t forget to lather it in, girls!
Clara: Thanks very much for being great sports. Give ’em a round of applause, folks.
The four women wave wearily to the audience and walk stiffly off. The three clean women follow, taking care not to slip on the trail of slime and cream.
Natalie: Aww! You know what, Clara? There’ll always be a place for the good old-fashioned letter. I mean, phones are good and all, but it’s nice to have something to hold in your hand.
Clara: [frowning as she regards Natalie] But you hold a ph…[Lets it go] Do you wanna do the points, Nat?
Natalie: Not much change with the scores at the end of Round 2. Juliette has 16 points, but Bec stays narrowly ahead with 18!
Juliette purses her lips slightly, while Bec allows herself an encouraged nod.
Clara: Bec, you’ve got the lead, but it’s only a small one. Do you reckon you can keep it?
Bec: [nodding] Yep, ah’m taking it sure and steady to make sure Juliette ends up in that sludge!
Natalie: Ooo, quietly confident. Juliette, I’m sure you have a response to that.
Juliette: [nodding shrewedly] Oh yeah, just lulling Bec into a false sense of security before I seal her downfall! I’ve got a feeling that the audience vote is going to be very positive for me; everyone loves a white wedding!
Clara: Good that you mention that, Juliette, because the result of the audience vote is ready to be released!
Juliette and Bec sit up straight in their armchairs, looking hopeful.
Clara:However, it’s going to have to wait until after the advert break, because – how do I put this? – Natalie has to go and put on some pants! [in a faux whisper to Natalie] Leather must be chafing a bit, eh Nat?
Natalie glares absolute daggers at Clara as the scene fades out.
(Hello, Dani here! It’s been a long time since my last post, but I hope you all enjoy this one. The next one will be more of a full episode of Cold as Ice, along with some extras~ If you need to catch up to part 6, all previous parts can be found through search or on my archive page )
“Victoria Radcliffe; an apparent rising star and recently engaged but long-term attached to multi-billionaire entrepreneur Ian Ellis, of Ellis Innovations, Ellis Corporation of Technological Research, and E-Robotics.” It was a common gossip television show, reporting on the new and exciting. Winona Moore, the host of this gossip show, was commenting on this particular subject while clips of Cold as Ice played in the background. “She’s the host of a new show called “Cold as Ice”,” Winona continued. “Where she certainly embraces the moniker. Only one episode is out and already she has amassed many fans who absolutely love her brutality. Let’s take a look at the “punishment” from last night.”
Everyone was directed to look at the screen behind Winona, which showed last night’s events.
It was bright on set, and some eyes were sensitive to it. They hadn’t quite figured out the lighting yet. One of the contestants on screen had been squinting through most of the show. This was one who lost the argument and was being subjected to punishment. This pristine and quite snooty nominee didn’t want to go through with this, but she was reminded that she signed a waiver that stated her compliance should the possibility of being chosen arise. “Now,” Victoria smiled a soft vicious smile. “Raya and Tiffany, you will undergo something quite terrible. But before we begin, let’s hear from Darla one more time.” She elegantly strided towards the winner of the case against her nominee, giving a slight tilt of her head. “Darla, remind the audience; why did you choose your older sister?” she asked curiously.
“‘Cause she’s always mean. Always makin’ fun of my name, always talkin’ about how I’m adopted. Well, guess what sweetie, you weren’t enough, so Mom and Dad needed another kid.” she huffed. The audience made ”ooohhh” sounds of amusement.
“Now now.” Victoria spoke in a hushed tone. “Is this true, Raya? Are you mean to your sister?”
Raya scoffed. “Only because she wouldn’t stop bothering me. My parents may have wanted another child, but I didn’t want a sibling.”
The audience began booing Raya.
Victoria gently tutted. “Shame. No wonder she wants to see you tortured. Well, my audience seems very displeased with you, especially with all the horrible things we learned about you today. I’m sure then that they will be pleased with the outcome I have planned.”
Winona paused the clip and spoke again. “Let’s skip the monologuing, shall we? Just stuff about how you shouldn’t be mean to your family blah blah blah.”
The television host fast-forwarded through Victoria’s short speech as the interns set everything up. Winona let it play again as soon as Tiffany and Raya were strapped inside of a large, circular machine that almost looked like a hollow spinning top.
“Do you like it?” Victoria asked the audience with a smile as they cheered in response. “A new device of Ian’s. Not only is he producing this show, but he is also the show’s lead designer of machinery.” The audience gave a warm round of applause. People loved Ian Ellis. Many people who weren’t into game shows or seeing people messy, they watched for him and to see his involvement in the show. Knowing that there would be new inventions on display was quite exciting to some people.
“Ian tells me what it does is that it has multiple tubes linked to various substances, and they can be interchangable, he says it’s sort of how a soda fountain machine works. ” Victoria explained.
Raya whimpered from inside the center of the large dome shape, glancing up at the tubes which loomed above them.
“It also spins. It’s like a self mixing salad bowl.” Victoria continued with a tiny smirk on her lips.
“What a delightful bitch.” Winona chuckled as the clip ended. “I would say she used Ian Ellis to climb to the top, but unlike Ellis, Victoria was born into money and fame, even if she was never this famous and adored. In society, she was known as a socialite in many popular women’s clubs and charities. Still, her peers have been said to have inherently disliked her; maybe because of the cold and stoic nature. Though it seems Victoria has now used this to her advantage. I almost wonder if some of these peers who held contempt for her will be next on the chopping block. I kind of want to see that, as I love a good revenge story, so before we aired, I submitted a few of them as nominations. You’re welcome, Victoria.” The tall redhead winked to the camera.
When the segment re-focused to Raya and Tiffany, it showed them trembling, agonizing as they were strapped in and preparing themselves for whatever would surprise them.
“Now, I’ve kept you all in suspense for long enough.” Victoria chuckled. “Time for the main event.” Without much more ceremony, Victoria pushed a button on the control pannel, setting the machine into spin. The crowd watched in gripping anticipation.
A moment later, Victoria hit a second button and the tubes began shooting. As Tiffany and Raya spun around, they began screaming as chocolate and honey poured down on them. Soon brightly colored cake batter joined the mix of sprays. It caught their spiraling figures at every angle, practically tye-dying them.
Raya’s sister watched in delight, happy to see her on the tortured end for once. As for Tiffany, her assistant was thrilled to watch alongside Darla. More tubes opened up, now adding cold, melted ice cream to the barage of sludge to their tormenters.
It filled their mouths and nostrils, doing their best to breathe through the slop. Victoria allowed herself another chuckle. “Michael, are you having fun?”
Michael, Tiffany’s assistant, smirked with a nod of his head.
“Oh yeah. I’ve been dreaming of this.” he answered. “One time Tiffany was furious at me, like when she’s upset with anyone, and so she decided to punish me with wrecking the supply room, and me, and then claiming it was my fault. Had to spend the next five hours cleaning everything before I could go home to clean myself.” Michael let out a hearty laugh as Tiffany, obviously nauseous from all the spinning, was drooling a sticky mess of honey and cake batter from her mouth.
Victoria then turned to the cameras. “To all of you at home, this could be someone you hate. Your boss, your spouse, an ex, a traitor friend, or anyone you think deserves a humiliating punishment.” she spoke softly, as though there weren’t even gasping, whining people behind her. She was stone cold. “All you have to do is nominate someone, and every show I choose five nominees. You also may wonder how you can possibly drag your nominee here knowing the potential risks. Well everyone in this audience not only gets to be on television, but if not chosen, nominees and nominators also get access to not yet for sale prototypes of Ian Ellis. Could be a new phone that you can take home with you, could be a test ride in one of his self driving cars. The possibilities are limitless. Submit your nominees as soon as possible.” Victoria flashed a wicked smile. “But be careful. If I deem your nominee unworthy of punishment, you’ll be in their place instead.”
“You heard it here, folks.” Winona chimed in on her show as Victoria’s paused again. “Anyone’s game for nomination, and getting first access to new tech is a pretty good consolation prize if your nominee isn’t chosen. Time for commercials now, and Drama City will be back after the break.”
Victoria watched as the show faded out, and she turned to Ian. “I would say the pilot episode was a success then.” she purred.
“I think because you were clearly enjoying yourself too much.” Ian teased in amusement. He recalled the climax of the episode, where the final nominee was tied up and pied with 50 pies in a row, all of them being the frosting pies Ian came up with. Victoria had laughed at her with each pie that she forcefully shoved into the woman’s face, twisting them with pleasure, taking such humor in the contestant’s cries. The torture ended with the final nominee being pushed into a vat of chocolate as though Victoria had cast her into a volcano.
“Well, it was surprisingly fun.” Victoria admitted with a small smile. “I see now why you enjoy it.”
“Do you?” Ian muttered with a wide grin. “Well in that case…”
“Mm, no. No, Ian, I’ve gotten far too messy these past weeks.”
“Oh? I don’t think you’ve gotten messy enough.” he chuckled as he lowered his lips to Victoria’s neck to kiss it. “You know, all five of those people looked vaguely familiar. Do we know them?”
Victoria, playing dumb, raised a brow slightly. “No, I don’t think so. Just five people chosen based on who seems the worst by their stories.”
Ian shrugged, but didn’t question further.
“Well, I’ll just have to surprise you. When you least expect it.” Ian murmured as he kissed Victoria’s ear lobe.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment. This story may contain nudity and scenes of a sexual nature.
As the theme song played, the studio lights came on revealing the dark-haired host in a black evening dress slit to mid-thigh with cutaway sections up the right-hand seam. As the applause died down, she smiled into the camera. “Hello! And welcome to this the first of two Second Round episodes of Totally Trashed! sponsored by Victoria’s Secret,” she announced, grinning. “Tonight, I’m joined by the gorgeous blonde bombshell Amy Diamond, who’ll be my co-presenter for tonight’s show. Please, give her a big hand!”
The wavy blonde-haired glamour model walked out onto the stage in a black off-the-shoulder figure-hugging evening dress with ruffled sleeves. She smiled and waved to the audience before walking up to and hugging Kirsty tightly.
Hugging Amy back, Kirsty pulled away after a few moments. “Welcome back on the show, Amy!” she gushed. “I see the dress got nicely cleaned again!”
Amy laughed. “Hi, Kirsty, it’s great to be back!” she said. “Yeah, thankfully I didn’t need to get the dry cleaners to do a rush job on it!”
Kirsty blushed remembering the price she’d had to fork out to get her own dress from the first episode cleaned in time for the second. “Lucky you!” she griped. “Anyway, let’s move on. We’ve got sixteen celebrities to welcome back.”
Amy grinned. “Oh, yes!” she exclaimed. “And we’ll be gunging eight of them! Makes me wonder, are they crazy?! A pie in the face was bad enough!”
“Well, Amy, they may be a little crazy to do this,” admitted Kirsty with an exaggerated shrug. “But, now it’s time to meet those sixteen ladies once again! Oh, before we introduce them, I should mention that, after Danielle Sharp’s lingerie-clad appearance in Episode Four, all our remaining glamour model contestants will be wearing nothing but their undies.”
Amy grinned. “Yes, it is,” she said gleefully. “Starting with Match Thirty-three featuring actress Karen Gillan versus glamour model Emma Glover!
Both ladies walked on-stage side-by-side. While Karen wore the same tight black dress as she had for the previous round, Emma wore a maroon lace bra and matching knickers, a black garter, black suspenders and sheer black stockings. Waving to the audience, they took their customary seats on the second-hand bar stools from their previous appearances on the show.
Amy grinned at the first two of the night’s contestants. “Karen and Emma, it’s good to have you back,” she said warmly. “Are you ready for what may await?”
The redhead and the dark-haired woman exchanged a glance. Karen flicked a strand of her red hair back over her shoulder. “I don’t think I am, Amy.”</p
“Emma?”
The dark-haired glamour model smiled. “A bit nervous to be honest, Amy,” said Emma. “I think I could slap Danielle for landing us with this state of dress, though.”
“I’m sure you’re not the only one, Emma,” replied Amy Diamond with a chuckle. “Anyway, back to you, Kirsty.”
Kirsty Gallacher gave a wide smile. “Well, let’s move onto Match Thirty-four. This pits glamour model Peta Todd against model and actress Kelly Brook!”
Both models walked on-stage each wearing a bra and knickers. Peta wore a red and black lace bra and boy-shorts while Kelly wore a red bra and thong with black lace trim. Smiling and waving, they took their seats, amid a cacophony of applause and wolf-whistles.
Kirsty gave them both a broad grin. “Peta, Kelly, welcome back to the show,” she laughed. “So, you’ve both followed Nicola McLean’s and Danielle Sharp’s lead on dress-code. Any thoughts on it now the show’s begun?”
Peta shrugged. “It’s not like people haven’t seen me wearing less, Kirsty,” she joked. “But, yeah, I’m wondering what Danielle was thinking when she decided to do this.” A ripple of laughter ran through the audience.
Kelly gave Peta a gentle nudge. “You got that right, Peta,” she laughed. “Still, it’s for a good cause and let’s face it, things are probably going to be a lot of fun by the end of it. Even if Kate Beckinsale can’t see how it would be!”
“Well put, Kelly!” said Kirsty. “Anyway, back to you, Amy.”
“Thanks, Kelly,” replied Amy. “Onto Match Thirty-five, which is actress and singer Selena Gomez versus glamour model and actress Lucy Pinder.”
Both contestants walked on-stage together. Selena wore a black bra, black high-waisted knickers and black high-heeled shoes. Lucy on the other hand wore a black lace bra and matching thong and a pair of black high-heeled sandals. Smiling and waving, singer and model took their seats.
Amy smiled at the two recently revealed contestants. “Welcome back to Totally Trashed, Selena, Lucy,” she said. “How are you feeling about what might be coming later? Looking forward to it?!”
Selena and Lucy looked at each other with wide eyes. “Er, no, Amy,” said Lucy. “I’m not looking forward to it. This is becoming a touch too messy for comfort!”
Amy laughed. “That may be the case for you, Lucy,” she chuckled. “But, I believe Selena’s actually looking forward to getting gunged, am I right?”
The dark-haired former child star smiled back at Amy. “You’ve got that right, Amy,” she said. “I haven’t been slimed on the KCAs despite telling them I wanted to be. Now, I’m on a show where getting messy is guaranteed. Woohoo!”
Amy looked at Selena as if she was crazy. “Well, to each their own,” she remarked wryly. “Back to you, Kirsty!”
Kirsty shook her head slightly. “Right, getting back on track,” she said. “We’re onto Match Thirty-six, Kate Upton versus Imogen Thomas. Give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen!”
The two models walked out from back-stage in lingerie. Kate wore a black bra, high-waisted black knickers and black flip-flop-style sandals. Imogen, however, was wearing a white bra with black embroidery, matching garter and suspenders, a matching thong and a pair of sheer black stockings with black lace tops. With waves and smiles to the audience and cameras, the two busty models sat on the same bar stools as they had done on previous episodes.
Kirsty smiled at them both. “Welcome, Kate, Imogen,” she said with a wide grin. “It’s nice to see you back on the show. Are you ready to maybe get messy?”
Kate and Imogen glanced at each other before answering. “No!” they said together. Imogen covered her face in her hands as though to hide from what might be upcoming.
Kirsty chuckled. “Well, at least one of you isn’t looking forward to this at all,” she taunted the two models, earning a two-fingered salute from Imogen. “That’s not very nice, Imogen, naughty, naughty!” The audience laughed at the back and forth between presenter and contestant.
Kirsty waited for the laughter to die down. “Right, back to you, Amy.” she said, trying to keep her composure.
Amy grinned. “Next up, we look back on Victoria’s Secret’s 2014 Fashion Show, as VS Angel Karlie Kloss takes on singer Ariana Grande!”
The two contestants stepped out from behind a piece of set-dressing. Both were wearing lingerie as they had during the previous round. Karlie, unlike her previous appearance, wore a black Chantilly lace teddy and gloves, suspenders and a pair of sheer black thigh-high stockings. Ariana was wearing a sparkly black bra, matching high-waisted knickers and knee-high opaque black stockings. With nervous smiles on their faces, they took their seats beside the other contestants.
Amy looked over at the latest two lingerie-clad celebs. “Welcome back to the show, Karlie, Ariana,” she said warmly. “How are you feeling? Karlie?”
The short blonde-haired supermodel shrugged. “Well, Amy, this could be both fun and also gross me out,” griped Karlie. “The first round was bad enough and that was before they added the slime fountain nozzles!” A ripple of laughter went through the studio.
Amy chuckled. “Yeah, it could get quite intense for our eliminated contestants,” she laughed. “Any thoughts, Ariana?”
The slender brown-haired popstar grinned. “Well, some people thought my reaction to a fake slime prank on the orange carpet meant that I wouldn’t mind being slimed,” she admitted. “They may have forgotten, I’ve been slimed before. so, I’m up for whatever is going to happen!”
Amy smiled at that remark. “Well, we’ll find out what happens in a few minutes time,” she remarked. “But, for now, back to you, Kirsty.”
The dark-haired presenter in the black dress grinned at her co-presenter. “Thank you, Amy,” Kirsty began, still smiling. “We’re onto Match Thirty-eight. This is a clash of two Hollywood titans, it’s Kate Beckinsale versus Emma Watson!”
The two actresses walked on-stage a couple of strides apart. The audience quickly noticed the difference in expressions on their faces. While Kate had a smug smile on her face, as she walked out wearing a red and black patterned strapless minidress, Emma appeared to be trying to smile bravely while holding back tears, her face was reddened by previously shed tears. Emma was wearing a grey, metallic floor-length evening dress, which hugged her figure down to her knees where it flared out into a flowing train. The dress was sheer enough to show a hint of her skin underneath without being blatant. With a wave to the audience, both ladies took their seats.
Kirsty frowned as she looked at one actress and then the other. OK, I know they’re actresses, but I think there’s been some back-stage nastiness, thought the dark-haired Scotswoman. “Welcome, Kate, Emma,” she said with a smile on her own face. “Ugh, did something happen back-stage to bring Emma to tears?”
“Oh, nothing much,” replied Kate with a vicious grin on her face. “Just psyching out the competition.”
Both Kirsty and Amy exchanged a look. Good grief! Can Kate be anymore of a bitch? Kirsty thought. “Ah, I see,” she said with a slight frown. She turned to the younger actress. “Emma, I take it you decided to get your white dress cleaned. I don’t think I’ll ask how you’re feeling, as I think Kate’s made you feel pretty rotten. Am I right?”
“Yes and yes,” Emma replied in a small voice. Her usual confidence had been evaporated back-stage. She quickly wiped her eyes with both hands, trying to get rid of the tears threatening to stream down her face. Beside her, Kate Beckinsale just looked on smugly.
Kirsty grimaced in sympathy with the younger woman. “Right, back to you, Amy.”
Amy shook her head to clear the images of what had probably happened back-stage from her mind. “Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re now at the second last of tonight’s matches. It’s Match Thirty-nine, the seventh of the Round Two matches, between Emma Stone and Margot Robbie!”
Both actresses walked out onto the stage. To the surprise of the audience, Emma Stone was wearing a black and white lace corset, black lace boy-shorts, suspenders, sheer stockings and black mid-calf-length boots. Margot on the other hand wore a yellow backless, halter-neck evening dress.
Amy did a double take as the two actresses took their seats. “Erm, Emma, was there a wardrobe problem off-stage?”
The red-haired actress blushed with embarrassment. “Uuuhh, yeah,” she admitted meekly. “I, er, tripped and spilt a cup of coffee down my dress. So, the audience and viewers get to see me in my underwear.”
Amy winced in sympathy. “If that’s the case, you’re lucky you didn’t scald yourself!” she said. ” Welcome back to the show, by the way, ladies. Margot, love that yellow dress. Are you feeling good about tonight?”
The Australian actress laughed nervously. “About as good as anyone can feel, Amy,” she replied. “After all, this could get really messy.”
Amy laughed at that. “Indeed it could,” she agreed. “Over to you, Kirsty.”
Kirsty Gallacher grinned into the camera. “Thank you, Amy,” she chuckled. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you’re wondering who our final match tonight is, right?” Shouts in the affirmative greeted this question.
Kirsty smiled at the audience. “Well, Match Forty is… Candice Swanepoel versus Taylor Swift!”
Candice walked on arm-in-arm with Taylor, waving to the audience. Candice wore a metallic grey bra and knickers, which were trimmed with black lace, and a pair of sheer black stockings. Once again, Taylor wore the same black bra and knickers with black Chantilly lace chemise as for the previous episode she’d been on-stage for. Smiling widely, they took their seats, rounding out the night’s line-up.
Kirsty couldn’t help but smile as she stood beside Amy in the middle of the stage. “Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lads and lasses, those are tonight’s contestants,” she announced. “Join us after the break when we’ll be finding out who goes through to Round Three and who gets a close look at the slime fountain. Don’t go away!” Cheers echoed round the studio, as the show’s jaunty theme song came through over the PA system and the lights dimmed.
Minutes later, the lights came back on, revealing the sixteen celebrity contestants sitting on their bar stools. To the left of the stage, as the audience and cameras saw it, Kirsty and Amy stood at the familiar lectern with the brown and green ‘envelope of doom’, as one of the tabloids had coined it.
As the camera focussed on the two presenters, Kirsty smiled. “Well, everyone, it’s that time of the evening,” she declared, opening the envelope and removing the papers inside. “When we find out who is going through to the next round and who gets a messy forfeit. So, let’s get cracking! Amy?”
“Thank you, Kirsty,” replied her blonde co-presenter. “Right, starting with Match Thirty-three… the winner going through to Round Three is… Emma Glover!”
The dark-haired glamour model let out an excited cry when Kirsty said this, before smiling bashfully at the red-haired actress sitting beside her. “Sorry, Karen,” she said in a stage-whisper. “This can’t feel good.”
Karen flashed a nervous smile. “One of us had to get gunged, Emma,” she whispered back. “Your charity’s lucky it’s you going through to the next round, though.”
Amy tapped her foot impatiently. “Hard luck, Karen,” she said, then she looked once more at the results sheet. “Oh, dear, Karen, things are about to get a bit worse for you…”
“What do you mean?” Karen blurted out, momentarily interrupting Kirsty’s flow. A feeling of unease settled in her stomach.
Amy chuckled. “Well, as always, we have been running a poll as to which eliminated celebrity has to perform a striptease,” she said with an evil smile. “I’m sorry to tell you that the public want to see you in your underwear. So, please, Karen, take off that dress!”
Shit! Why is it always me ending up in these situations?! she grumbled to herself. With a sigh, she stood up and, walking to the centre of the stage, unzipped her long black dress. Turning to face the camera, she slid the extremely thin straps from over her shoulders and down her arms. With a full-body wriggle, the tight yet slinky dress flowed down her slender curves into a puddle at her feet. This left her standing in a pale pink triangle bra and matching bikini knickers. By the time she had kicked aside her dress, she was so red in her face from embarrassment that her skin nearly matched the colour of her hair. Ducking her head, Karen walked back to the bar stool she’d been sitting on.
<Amy smiled at the blushing actress. "Well, Karen, you look great for the moment," she joked, drawing a nervous laugh from the red-haired Scot. "But, we need to find out who is joining you in getting messy. Over to you, Kirsty."</p
The dark-haired presenter grinned back. “Thanks, Amy,” she said, then looked at the results sheet. “So,on we go to the result of Match Thirty-four, which was a rather close-run thing. But, with fifty-one percent of the vote… the woman going through to Round Three is Kelly Brook!”
“Phew!” exhaled the bustier of the two brunette models. “Unlucky, Peta.”
“Nuts!” exclaimed the dark-haired Miss Todd.
“You sound disappointed, Peta,” observed Kirsty.
“Well, I’m disappointed for my preferred charity, admitted Peta. “But, at the same time, in a way I’m happy that I’m out of the competition now when the mess is relatively mild. After all, it’s just the pies and a load of slime now. I don’t want to find out what’s coming up in future rounds!”
Kirsty laughed. “Well, you won’t be finding that out,” she remarked. “Unless, of course, you tune in to see what happens to those who do get through! Anyway, over to you again, Amy.”
Amy had a second look at the results sheet. “Right, we’re onto Match Thirty-five,” she announced. “And between Selena Gomez and Lucy Pinder, with fifty-three percent of the vote, the winner was… Lucy Pinder.”
Two joyous shrieks stunned the studio into silence. The audience, in spite of what she had said earlier in the show, couldn’t believe Selena was happy to be getting gunged.
Amy chuckled. “Well, that’s a first!” she laughed. “For the first time on Totally Trashed both winner and loser of a match are happy with the result. Selena, what are you thinking?”
The dark-haired Latina flashed Amy a dazzling smile. “I’m finally getting gunged, Amy!” Selena exclaimed with a laugh. “I know, strangely I’m looking forward to it.”
Amy shook her head in disbelief. “Well, you just wait there, Selena, as you’re time will come a little later,” she remarked, trying to calm down the excited popstar. Did someone give her a sugar over-dose or something?! She looks like she’s wired! “Back to you, Kirsty.”
“Thanks, Amy,” replied Kirsty, swiping a stray dark hair back behind her shoulder. “And we’ve reached our fourth round two result, for Match Thirty-six… where the winner… with fifty-five percent… is… Kate Upton!”
Kirsty smiled at the whoop of victory from the blonde American model and the groan from the brown-haired Welshwoman. “Well, we all know from those noises how each of those two ladies feels about that. Back to you, Amy.”
The wavy-haired blonde grinned. “Thank you, Kirsty, and we’ve reached Match Thirty-seven. With fifty-four percent of the vote, the winner through to next round is… Ariana Grande!”
“Yeeesss!” yelled the slender brown-haired popstar. Then, realising what she’d done, she blushed furiously, as she gave Karlie an apologetic smile. But, she was taken aback by the fact that Karlie was laughing at her reaction.
“Enjoying the pre-mess teasing, Karlie?” Amy asked cheekily.
“Yeah, Amy, I am,” replied the short-haired blonde supermodel. “And, let’s face it, it’s for some great causes and looks like it could be a lot of fun.
Amy chuckled. “That’s the spirit!” she laughed. “Back to you, Kirsty.”
Kirsty smiled. “Thank you, Amy,” she acknowledged her co-presenter. “Okay, onto Match Thirty-eight, and I can tell you now that the actress going through to Round Three is… Emma Watson!”
Before Kirsty or Emma could say anything a shriek of outrage cut them off. “What?!” yelled Kate Beckinsale. “I demand a re-count!”
Kirsty shook her head at the older actress. “Kate, you only got thirty-eight percent. Which also means that you’ll be getting messy in the least amount of clothes tonight. So, if you wouldn’t mind, strip!”
Pouting, the Underworld actress stood and slowly unzipped her dress, letting it fall to the floor. Kate was left standing in a black bustier, black tanga knickers, suspenders and stockings.
Kate then unbuttoned the bustier and flung it to the side with a scowl on her face, showing off her bare pink nipples to the audience. A chorus of wolf-whistles rose from the audience. Kate crossed her arms across her chest pouting sulkily.
Kirsty grinned at that reaction. “Ooh, someone’s grouchy!” she remarked snarkily. “Back to you, Amy.”
The wavy haired blonde laughed. “Thanks, Kirsty!” she chuckled. “And now for the result of Match Thirty-nine, the seventh Round Two match. With fifty-eight percent of the vote, the lady going through to the next round is… Margot Robbie!”
“Woohoo!” shrieked the blonde Australian actress. She turned to the red-haired American beside her. “Hard luck, Emma. Although, getting to this round is a bit of an achievement in itself.”
“Yeah, good luck in the next round, Margot,” Emma replied.
Amy chuckled too herself. “Yes, yes,” she said sarcastically. “Well done, Margot, you’re through to the next round. Emma Stone… unfortunately we have see you leave the competition. But, before we bid you a messy farewell, you’ll have to wait while we find out who won and who lost the eighth Round Two Match. So, sit back and relax while you can… And back to you, Kirsty.”
“Thank you, Amy,” replied the dark-haired presenter. “Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to reveal the result of the last match for tonight, Match Forty. This was another close-run match, but, I can reveal that the winner going through to the next round, with fifty-one percent, is… Candice Swanepoel!”
The blonde-haired South African supermodel nearly fell off her seat when this was read out. “How?!” she exclaimed. “I mean I was up against Taylor?”
Kirsty laughed. “Those are the quirks of this competition, Candice!” she chuckled. “Taylor, that was close!I’m afraid though that you’re going to be getting messed up in just a few minutes. How do you feel about that?”
“Honestly, Kirsty, my stomach’s doing somersaults!” exclaimed the blonde singer, before she swallowed hard, trying to keep down the contents of her stomach.
“Ooh, another touch of nerves here by the looks of things,” joked Kirsty, drawing a harsh laugh from Amy. “Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve almost reached the moment you’ve been waiting for. Join us after the break as the pies fly and the slime flows! Don’t go away!” The studio lights dimmed as the theme played.
Minutes later, the lights came back on, revealing a different configuration to the studio than what had been seen on previous episodes. While Kirsty and Amy were standing with raised platforms to either side, only six were as they had been previously. The final two appeared to have been replaced by a single longer platform or else pushed so tightly together that they formed one platform.
Kirsty smiled for the cameras. “Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to Totally Trashed!” she exclaimed. “It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for during the last half hour, as we get ready to make a total mess of eight more of the world’s favourite celebrities. Now, you probably notice that there’s an enlarged platform behind me. Well, there’s a reason for that. Care to explain, Amy?”
Amy smiled. “I’d be glad to, Kirsty,” she said. “Two of our eliminated contestants happen to be best friends. So, the production team here on Totally Trashed thought that it would be a good idea to gunge them both at the same time. As a result, we’ve got our enlarged seventh platform. Could Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift please step forward and take your positions?”
The two blondes stepped forward and mounted the steps to the larger platform. With nervous smiles on their faces, they both waved to the audience, before wrapping their arms around each other’s waists in a hug of support.
The two ladies waited, as there was a flood of noise from the audience. Kirsty waited until the cheers died down. “Right, those two lovely ladies are in position,” she remarked. “Now, it’s time to let the other six come up here. I think they all went back-stage to grab a little ‘Dutch Courage’. Please, welcome back out Karen Gillan, Peta Todd, Selena Gomez, Imogen Thomas, Kate Beckinsale and Emma Stone!”
A yell was heard from back-stage. “No, I’m not doing this! You can’t do this to me! I’m too important for this!”
Kirsty frowned. “Sounds like Kate is throwing a tantrum,” fumed the presenter. “But, we have made arrangements for that eventuality. Rosie, Megan, would you mind getting Kate up on-stage, please!”
The American actress and British glamour model, frog-marched the brunette British actress who appeared to be shaking herself to break free of their grips, up onto the stage and hand-cuffed her to a railing on the raised platform she’d been assigned. The two others were dressed in lacy lingerie.
Megan wore a blue and black lace bra and matching thong, black lace waist cincher, suspenders and sheer black stockings. Rosie, on the other hand, wore a pink and black lace bra and bikini knickers, black lace gloves, suspenders and black lace-topped sheer stockings. After they’d secured the struggling Kate on the platform, Amy walked up to them.
“Rosie! Megan!” exclaimed Amy. “Welcome back! So, was Kate making things difficult again?”
Megan laughed. “You could say that, Amy!” she chuckled. “Kate was being quite rude to anyone who stood still. She managed to upset almost everyone back there. Personally, I won’t forget her awful attitude last round either.”
Amy shook her head. “Dear me,” she remarked, remembering the footage she’d seen of the episode in question. “If I remember correctly, Kate’s attitude could have been likened to that of a diva during that episode. I don’t think that’s changed either.”
An indignant huff came from the hand-cuffed brunette actress. “Hey, I resent that remark,” came the annoyed retort. “And let me go! I shouldn’t be going through this!” Kate rattled the shackles on the short thigh high railing in front of her.
Kirsty chuckled. “Oh, we will,” she said. “Once we’re finished making a mess out of you!” The audience laughed at this.
Amy grinned. “Now, where were we?” she pondered. “Ah, yes we’re missing five of our eliminated ladies. Could Karen Gillan, Peta Todd, Selena Gomez, Imogen Thomas and Emma Stone, please, come back out?”
Five lingerie-clad women, three brunettes and two redheads, walked up to and stepped up onto the remaining platforms. They looked around at each other, nervously glancing at the air cannons and hose nozzles that surrounded them.
Kirsty grinned at the eight contestants. “Well, now that everyone’s back on-stage!” she said, pausing for the audience’s cheers. “We’ll proceed, I suppose, as before, in match order. So, we’ll start with Karen and finish with Karlie and Taylor. Karen, are you ready?”
The red-haired actress shook her head vigorously. “Are you kidding me, Kirsty?!” she exclaimed. “There’s no way anyone could be ready for this!”
Kirsty and Amy laughed. “That’s probably true,” giggled Kirsty. “Now, let’s get on with this. Audience, you know the drill…”
Karen Gillan cringed as the shout of “Five” filled the air. When the countdown finished, two creamy custard pies sandwiched her head, obliterating her facial features with cream, custard and pastry while most of her flowing red locks gained a covering of the same. A pair of chocolate tortes disintegrated over her chest, covering her pink bra-covered breasts in a layer of creamy dark chocolate. Seconds later, her backside and thighs appeared to vanish under a layer of gravy-covered beef, onions and pastry, much to her discomfort.
Karen reached up and wiped her eyes clean with her index and middle fingers. As she did this, the sound of gurgling liquid filled the studio. Suddenly, the twelve ex-fire hose nozzles came to life. Two splashed green slime into her face while others were aimed at different parts of her body. Two sprayed over each of her breasts, covering them in lumpy, sticky yellow liquid, while the third and fourth pairs of nozzles sprayed the cheeks of her bum with sticky purple liquid that appeared so bright that the audience swore it would glow in the dark. The fifth pair blasted her crotch with a runnier blue liquid, which soaked the gusset of her pink knickers. The final pair of nozzles arced a spray of very lumpy red slop into the air which spattered down on top of her head, droplets of the red gloop splashing onto her shoulders. Unlike what those watching had expected, the sticky slime/gunge hadn’t washed away most of the remains of the pies that had hit her. Instead, the streams of slime had just piled on top of the sweet and savoury debris that had still been stuck to her half-naked body.
When the nozzles finally shut off, Karen looked like she had been dipped in the love-child of explosions in a dairy processor and a paint factory! Cream, custard, chocolate and red, green, purple and blue slime dripped from her extremities. Chunks of gravy-soaked meat, somehow, still clung to her buttocks, as though the slime had stuck them in place.
Amy gaped at the slop-covered Scottish actress. “Well, I don’t know what I was expecting,” she exclaimed. “But, wow, it was not that! Anyway, onto Peta Todd. How are you feeling, dearie?”
The dark-haired glamour model was looking gob-smacked, as she stared at what had happened to Karen. “Eh, terrified, Amy,” she replied after a few seconds’ delay, giving the audience a wide smile and trying to hide her nerves.
Amy grinned evilly at the busty model. “Well, Peta, you’ve got good reason to be,” she taunted the celebrity contestant. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to cover this lovely thing in lots of disgusting slop. In, hmmm, five seconds time.”
The cries of the raucous audience as they counted down the seconds filled the air. As the countdown passed two, Peta’s formerly wide smile slipped and she hunched up her shoulders against the thoughts of the oncoming mess. As she did this, the first two pies flew through the air, splattering meringue and lemon curd over her face and through her hair. Two custard pies slammed into her chest, covering her lacy bra-covered breasts with cream and custard. When, minutes later, a chocolate fudge cake smashed into both her ass and crotch, Peta let out a shriek of shock at the coldness of the pies. A shudder appeared to run through her, as she cleared the meringue and lemony custard from her eyes with her fingers. As she did so, the sound of gurgling liquid filled the air again. An instant later, pairs of nozzles erupted into life, each spraying forth a four-inch wide stream of slime. The four nozzles that were aimed to hit her head covered Peta’s face and hair in sticky orange and yellow goo. Another two appeared to interweave a purple lattice of stickiness over her chest and stomach. The final pair poured waves of blue and black slime over Peta’s arse and crotch. When the twelve nozzles shut off, the raven-haired glamour model was soaked in the different-coloured layers of sticky slop, both pie fillings and slime.
Kirsty grinned. Once again, she was enjoying making a mess of the celebrities. “Next up, Match Thirty-five and Selena Gomez,” she chuckled. So, Selena, you were looking forward to this. Are you still wanting this, now?”
The pretty dark-haired Latina flashed a brilliant smile that told everyone her answer before she spoke. “Oh, yes, Kirsty. Turn me into a rainbow of slop!” she said with a laugh.
Kirsty’s grin widened. “That we can do,” she said, turning to the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you please?”
The shouted countdown from the audience filled the air, as Selena rubbed her hands over her face in excitement. She grinned when the crowd yelled out “Two” and dropped her hands to her sides. Seconds later, she heard air rushing through a pipe. Two pumpkin pies sandwiched her head. In an instant, her hair and face were covered in orange-coloured pie filling and lumps of broken pastry. Then, two apple pies smashed into her breasts with a loud “Splat!”, covering her medium-sized tits with the sugary apple filling. A moment later, her crotch and backside disappeared under a pair of sticky just-iced lemon drizzle cakes. Lemony icing and sponge splashed over her lower torso and down her legs.
Before the singer could react, the sound of gurgling liquid filled the air. The hose nozzles soon splashed into life, four splashing black ooze across the orange pureed pumpkin that covered her head, resulting in tiger stripes over her face and hair. Two other nozzles sprayed thinner blue and purple slime over her breasts and shoulders. This soaked her black bra to her tits and, in the cold air of the studio, her nipples hardened until they were visible to the camera’s eye. The final two nozzles, spiralling around her lower body, soaked her abdomen, crotch, arse and legs with sticky, lumpy green and yellow slime. The nozzles worked their way up and down her body coating her bare skin and bra and knickers with multi-coloured slime. When the nozzles dribbled off, Selena was left as a bedraggled multi-coloured blob. She caught her breath and let an exhilarated whoop of joy out.
Amy grinned. “Well, that’s another lovely lady slopped!” she joked. “Next up, Miss Wales 2003: Imogen Thomas.”
A nervous look crossed the Welsh model’s face. Seeing this, Amy continued on. “Audience, could you…”
The men and women sitting in the studio audience didn’t need telling twice. A cry of “five” sent a shudder of fear through Imogen, as she curled her toes, scared of what was going to happen. When the countdown finished, the pies and cakes flew. Her head was sandwiched between a chocolate ganache pie and a cream-topped custard pie. These turned her head white and yellow on one side and brown on the other. Moments later, her breasts stung, as a pair of steak and kidney pies disintegrated against them and covered her chest and shoulders with meat and dark gravy. Seconds later two Swiss Rolls exploded, one against her arse-crack and the other slammed into her crotch, right over her pussy.
“Yuuukk!” shrieked Imogen, trying to decide between wiping her eyes clear and getting the lumps of steak and kidneys off her tits. “Those steak and kidney pies were rancid!” At which point the model appeared to gag and then swallow hard while holding her nose in a vain attempt to keep out the smell of the gone off meat and gravy. The audience laughed at her reaction, causing Imogen to squirm in embarrassment.
Kirsty chuckled. “Well, that has humiliated Imogen!” she snarked. “But, we’ve still got more to come. Next up, a rather reluctant Kate Beckinsale.”
The forty-five-year-old actress rattled the shackles on her wrists, in a vain attempt to free her wrists. “Hey, you can’t do this!” she yelled at the two presenters.
Kirsty sighed. “Actually, Kate, we can,” she explained. “After all, you did sign a waiver for this very eventuality.” A look of realisation crossed the face of the dark-haired British actress after she heard this.
Kirsty turned to the audience. “Ladies and gentlemen, I think you know what to do!”
“Five…” yelled the studio audience in reply. Kate cringed. Oh, God. Why did I sign up for this? Damn! Why did I listen to my agents when they talked me into it? As she fumed to herself, the audience’s countdown continued. After a cry of “One…”, the pies flew. Cream, chocolate and lemon meringue pies splatted into the sides of her head, tits arse and crotch. They’d covered the areas they hit with sloppy white, yellow and brown pie fillings. As the creamy slop dripped to the floor, Kate groaned. But, there was more to come. There followed the ominous-sounding gurgle from the hoses.
Sure enough, a moment later, the nozzles on the hoses came to life. Kate was soon covered in black, blue, green, orange and yellow slime. Her bare breasts had been engulfed by green slime that was so cold it made her shiver. When the various colours eased up, however, the gurgling was heard again. Kate gaped in shock, just before a blast of white slime exploded out of two of the nozzles, knocking her almost to the ground before the others sprayed into life, adding more white slime. Over and back, up and down across her body, the nozzles sprayed the gelatinous liquid goo. When they were finally shut off, the gasping dark-haired actress had been covered in a layer of sticky multi-coloured slime beneath a stickier pile of thick, viscous white gunk.
Amy frowned. “Where did that come from?!” she asked no-one in particular.
A quizzical look crossed Kirsty’s face. “Don’t look at me,” she replied. “I’m as confused as you are.”
Amy laughed. “Yeah, right, Kirsty. Pull the other one!” she giggled. “Anyway, we’d better move onto our next losing lady, who is the lovely Emma Stone! Any last words while you’re still clean, Emma?”
The pretty redhead laughed. “Bring it on, Amy!”
The wavy blonde-haired presenter grinned. “That can be arranged, Emma!” she joked. “Ladies and gentlemen, commence countdown!” The audience responded with a dull roar.
The award-winning actress squirmed where she stood. She had, from watching what happened to the previous celebrities eliminated from the contest, gained a vivid mental picture of what was coming. After the audience’s countdown finished, she stiffened where she stood, as she heard the rushing of just-released compressed air. An instant later, Emma let out a squeak of surprise, as two sloppy custard and cream pies sandwiched her head. White and yellow goo splashed over her face and short-cut red hair. Next, two very gooey chocolate fudge cakes smashed into her lace covered breasts. The disintegrating cakes covered her tits, shoulders and stomach with rich dark chocolatey icing and cake sponge, as well as knocking her to the ground so that the remaining two cakes soared over her head to splatter on the stage floor somewhere behind her. As she lay there and wiped her eyes, wondering how it had happened, she realised that the dozen hose nozzles had tracked her body and were now pointed at her face, chest and crotch. Less than a handful of seconds after she had noticed this, the nozzles came to life spraying out what Emma thought was a tidal wave of thick, sticky green liquid. The end result was that her entire front was covered in a mass of sticky green slop from head to toe.
As Emma Stone clambered back to her feet, Kirsty and Amy pulled a familiar steel trolley out onto the stage. The trolley held the by now somewhat familiar four jugs. Emma’s face fell when she saw the trolley rolling towards her. “Shit!” she swore in anguish. “You’re not serious.”
Kirsty laughed. “Sorry, Emma, but rules are rules. Due to a recurrence of our over-charges pie cannons, you were missed by three cakes or pies. So we’ll be filling your lingerie with the contents of these jugs behind me. Amy, what’s in these?”
The blonde grinned. “Well, Kirsty, going by the smell,” she paused for effect, taking a theatrical deep breath, which back-fired on her as she turned rather green after it. “These jugs are filled with the blended remains of what’s left after fish have been filleted, aka fish trimmings! So, just in case you’re wondering what that entails, fish trimmings are fish bones, internal organs, and the head and tail. All amounting to an oily, stinky, meaty mess once you put it through a food processor, especially as it’s been a week since this stuff has been in the water.”
Kirsty grimaced. “Yuk! Now, I know why you’ve gone green in the face!”
“Yeah!” came the reply of her co-presenter. The two presenters picked up a jug of the revolting fishiness and walked over to the cringing, slop-covered actress.
Kirsty hooked a finger into the neckline of Emma’s bodysuit and pulled the lace slightly forward. When she had a gap between the piece of lingerie and Emma’s skin that was big enough for her to work with, Kirsty raised the first jug and tipped its contents into the gap. The mixture of fish bones, guts, meat and oil flooded over her tits and flowed down to pool around her intimate regions. When Kirsty put down the jug, Amy reached a hand out to the upper rear of Emma’s lingerie and pulled it away from her upper back. An instant later, Emma let out a moan of disgust, as Amy tipped the mass of fish trimmings out to pour down her back and over her backside. Some pieces of fish-meat and bones got stuck in her arse-crack.
By the time Amy had finished making Emma squirm even more, Kirsty had come back with her second jug. Repeating what she’d done earlier, she poured three quarters of its foul-smelling contents down Emma’s front, before tipping the remainder out over her head. Bits of fish trickled down the actress’s hair and face.
Kirsty’s actions were again mirrored by Amy, as she poured most of the final jug’s fish trimmings down Emma’s back before shaking the last drops out on top of her head. When Amy and Kirsty were both done, they stood back and looked at the once immaculate actress who was now a bedraggled mess smelling of fish that no-one could have called fresh.
Kirsty looked into the camera. “Well, I dare say that Emma’s finding that really gross!” she said with a teasing laugh. “Anyway, now, we’re back to Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift! So, ladies, how are you feeling about being the grand finale?”
Karlie shrugged, giving a nervous smile. “I guess so.” she murmured, just loud enough that the studio microphones could catch it.
Taylor gave her friend a tighter hug and smile. “I suppose we’re just hoping we don’t end up covered in all the slop Emma’s got on her,” she opined.
Kirsty flashed both supermodel and singer a kind smile. “Well, ladies, you’re about to find out what all this mess feels like…”
A cry of “Five…” from the audience interrupted Kirsty. She gave a pouting frown in their direction as they continued the countdown.
Taylor and Karlie squeezed each other tightly as their hug deepened almost like someone who’d been shipwrecked and was clinging to a piece of floating wreckage. Their smiles gained a more nervous look to them as the countdown continued. When there came a cry of “One!”, the silence was broken by a louder than usual sound of rushing air. Almost simultaneously, twelve pies flew from the air cannons. The best friends quickly found their heads sandwiched by pumpkin pies, apple pies landing in their cleavage and Key Limes pies smashed into each buttock. Both were left with pie fillings and pastry dripping from their bodies.
Kirsty walked up to the two of them with a pair of chocolate fudge cakes in her hands. “Well, you both got fairly covered!!!” she joked. “But, I think there’s a glaringly clean spot on both of you.” With these words, Kirsty handed a cake to each of them.
Karlie and Taylor gave Kirsty a puzzled look. Kirsty grinned at them both. “Perhaps, you’d like to rectify that situation?”
Looks of understanding crossed the faces of the two Americans. With a shared encouraging smile they swung the cakes into each other’s crotch, massaging the cake sponge and chocolate fudge icing into their skin. Giving her best friend a smirk, Taylor slid the gusset of Karlie’s lace bodysuit aside and rubbed a large lump of the broken cake into her bared pussy. This brought a gasp from the more slender blonde as she was brought to a quick climax by the singer’s rapidly rubbing fingers.
Karlie dragged Taylor into another hug and clung to her while her legs came back from feeling like jelly. With her lips close to Taylor’s ear, she whispered. “I can’t believe you just did that to me on live TV! Damn! That felt good.”
Taylor chuckled quietly. “Our little secret,” she whispered. Suddenly, as they stood there, the nozzles around them came to life soaking them both in thick sticky lumpy slime.
Kirsty and Amy walked to the centre of the studio’s stage, so that the muck-covered women were visible in the background. Wide smiles were flashed by both of them for the cameras and audience. Kirsty glanced theatrically at her watch. “Well, that has been an intense episode,” she began. “We’ve covered Karen Gillan, Peta Todd, Selena Gomez, Imogen Thomas, Emma Stone, Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift in slop and reduced Kate Beckinsale to a messy humiliated pile of gunk. We’re only halfway through Round Two as well!”
At this point Amy cut in. “So join Kirsty and Chanelle Hayes next time when we’ll say a messy goodbye to another eight gorgeous celebrities…” Kirsty joined in for the next bit. “So, see you then! Goodnight!” Both presenters waved to the camera, as the audience cheered and applauded.
Author’s Note: Well, that’s that episode finally done. Took a couple weeks longer than I’d hoped. Hope you liked it, but let me know what you think either way.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
(This story contains nudity)
Vicky Gomersall glanced down at her cue cards “Ok, lets move onto the next question. Custard pies were very popular on Saturday morning television programme Tiswas. But what was the year that the last show was broadcast?”
As she finished her sentence, 2 people dressed all in black, with black masks and black hats walk on, pushing a trolley laden with creamy custard pies and buckets.”
“And it’s time to welcome our special guests, it’s the phantom flan flingers (PFF’s)!”
The three handcuffed ladies gulped and nervously shifted their feet, as they saw the amount of custard pies that were being brought on.
Vicky smiled “It looks like someone’s going to get a little bit messy! Ha Ha!”
“Jessica – can you give me the year you think the last Tiswas show was broadcast?”
“I’ve never heard of this programme, so I’ve absolutely no idea”
“I am going to have to press you for an answer anyway.”
“Err, err, I’ll go for 1990.”
“Thank you Jessica. Now Sally can you give me your answer?”
Despite being handcuffed, Sally was smiling “I think I know this as I used to watch it when I was younger. I’m pretty sure it’s 1982.”
“Ok thank you Sally. I guess it helps if you remember watching the programme. In fact, did you know that there was a Sally who featured on that programme.”
“Yes I remember. Her name was Sally James”
“That is absolutely correct!” Vicky pointed to a TV screen overhead “We have a clip of Sally James getting pied and having a bucket of semolina poured over her on the show”
Vicky looked over to the PFF’s “I see you have brought some buckets as well as custard pies. Can you confirm if it’s semolina in the buckets?”
The PFF’s nodded.
“Oh goody, are we going to see another Sally get plastered with pies and semolina. Or will it be someone else? We’ll find out very soon! On to you Chloe, which year do you think it is?”
“I’m like Jessica, I’ve never heard of this programme before. However, Sally seems quite confident, and I really don’t want any of that semolina tipped over me, so I’ll go for an answer that is close to hers – I’ll go for 1983!”
“Thank you Chloe, and you didn’t moan once this time, so thank goodness for that.”
Vicky looks down at her cue cards “Ok then. The last Tiswas show to air was 3rd April 1982, which means Sally was correct with her guess. Well done! Chloe was only a year away with 1983, but the furthest away by 8 years was Jessica.”
Jessica sighs heavily at the news as there are ripples of excitement through the audience. Both of the PFF’s pick up a custard pie each and start to tantalisingly wave the pies under the nose of Jessica.
Vicky crosses her arms and takes a few steps back “Are you ready for this Jessica?”
“Not really!” was the reply as she moved her head to avoid contact with the pies being waved in her face.
“Ok PFF’s, let her have it!”
The PFF’s went into action and started to slap pie after pie into a squealing Jessica’s face. Custard from the pie onslaught slopped onto her upper body, custard drips made their way into her bra.
One of the PFF’s stopped picking up pies, and instead picked up one of the buckets, and promptly upturned it over her head, which became engulfed with runny semolina.
There was an audible “Yuck!” from the audience as they witnessed the semolina cover Jessica’s shoulder length hair.
By now, the secretary couldn’t see due to the amount of custard and semolina covering her eyes. However she was able to feel the cold metal on her back as she also heard a ‘snip’. Before she realised what was going on, Vicky had cut her bra off and whisked the garment away from her body to expose her large buxom tits to the audience.
With two new targets, the PFF’s made quick work of smearing more custard pies over her tits, as Jessica gasped as the cold custard made her nipples harden.
Another bucket of semolina was picked up and poured over her front to give her tits a semolina coating and streams of semolina ran down the front of her stockinged legs.
Vicky looked at the trolley and saw there were only a few custard pies left “Hey PFF’s, let me create a clean target for your remaining pies” Vicky reaches for the scissors again and made two snips at either side of Jessica’s knickers, so that she was able to pull the knickers clean off her. Realising she had been stripped even further, Jessica writhed around to try and contort her legs to cover her shaved muff, but it was all to no avail. By now her work colleagues were clapping like crazy as they saw the sexy secretary in all her glory.
The PFF’s were quick to resume the fun, and splatted a couple of pies in her muff, and used the remaining pies to spank her naked bottom, until it was covered with custard and cream, and custard was streaming down the backs of her stockings.
Vicky thanked the PFF’s for their work and turned to the audience “We now have a naked Jessica pied all over and covered in semolina.”
Although not entirely happy with what had happened, Jessica was at least relieved that her tits and muff were covered up by the custard pies and semolina.
Vicky announced a further 15 minute break for everyone to get more drinks, and said that it would be then time to ask the last question. A topless and chocolate coated and egged Chloe, and a naked pied and semolina covered Jessica, had no choice but to remain where they were, giving their work colleagues superb views of their messy states. Meanwhile Sally was still clothed and clean, and was clearly hoping that she was going to avoid any birthday mess.
You decide how the story concludes, and also make suggestions as to how the loser of the final question gets messy (No repeat voting allowed this time )
The camera cuts to black. Then there’s a click and a spotlight comes on focused on a girl, who appears to be standing on a raised platform. She is wearing a smart purple blouse, and a dark grey pencil skirt, and high heeled, nude court shoes. She has long brunette hair, that is pinned down in to a smart formal style, and wears a matte pink lipstick, and enough make up on the rest of the face to enhance her natural good looks. She is currently standing behind some sort of podium. It comes up to just above her waste, where there is a large box, about two foot square, and 18 inches deep. Below that several legs come out and reach towards the ground. As the camera zooms closer we see that the top of the box is currently covered by a black plastic lid, and that a metal shackle is securing the girls wrists to opposite sides of the box.
The camera cuts as we hear another click, and another spotlight comes on, revealing a familiar figure climbing up towards Amy on a ladder on the wall next to her.
Porcelain: Hello Amy. It’s playtime.
It’s Porcelain, dressed a little differently, having swapped her red PVC ball gown for a more practical mini skirted skater dress, made of the same material, now showing her fish-netted legs, and her knee high boots as she approaches Amy.
Amy: Princess Porcelain. So we meet at last.
Porcelain pauses as she looks Amy up and down.
Porcelain: Well that’s different. Normally people are either angry or scared at the start of our little play sessions. You almost seem pleased to be here. Amy: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, but I’m also aware of the benefits of the situation. Porcelain: Like how the struggle can make you a better person? Amy: Not quite. I’m thinking more as an entrepreneurial business woman. Porcelain: You think I’m a financial opportunity? Amy: Didn’t you say you followed Athena’s career? She’s carved herself a nice niche on the red carpets and talk shows, and she wasn’t even a known celebrity to start with. When news gets out of my involvement the value of my brands going to skyrocket. Porcelain: Well I’ll give you credit. Your easily one of the most honest playmates I’ve had to deal with. How about we talk about rules, and see if you come out as a magnificent winner, or the plucky runner up. Amy: I’m guessing it will involve searching for something in that box in front of me.
Porcelain: O.K, you can stop now. That’s just annoying.
The camera stops to the top of the podium as Porcelain slides the lid off. At the far side is a small rack, but mainly being revealed is the contents of the box, that we see is filled with a thick porridge consisting of a grey paste with small lumps of oatmeal. Topping the porridge are several pools of maple syrup and sliced bananas.
Porcelain: If you examine my beautiful tub of porridge you’ll see a rack on the far side. On either side of that are two contact points. To release the shackles around your wrists all you have to do is complete the electrical circuit between the two contact points. Normally I’d have to explain how you do that, but I think you can work that out for yourself. Amy: Find something to complete the circuit in the porridge. Porcelain: Well done. Although I should mention there is another way the shackles will release. A safety release in the event of the platform your on collapsing. Which I believe could happen in a few minutes. I wonder where you’ll end up.
In response a light comes on below the two of them, revealing that about eight foot below them is a giant pie, about ten foot in diameter. We can see the circumference is made of a thin silver coloured metal, and that the pie is topped with a thick white foam. In a few places we can see a bright green slime in the gaps between the foam.
The camera cuts to a shot of Amy’s face. Very briefly there’s a slight look of trepidation, before a knowing smile comes across it.
Amy: So that’s what you want me to do? Porcelain: Indeed. Before you start though one question? Aren’t you just proving me right about the morals of you celebrities? Your hear in this highly unusual situation, and all you can think about is the money? Amy: Hey. I just take advantage of the system. I didn’t make it. Porcelain: Care to explain. Amy: I’d love to live in a world where big business wasn’t so male dominated. Maybe then I would have had more options. Pretty early on though it became that if I wanted to be considered more than eye candy I’d have to go into the business of celebrity and turn myself into a brand. All those photo shoots, movie premiers, reality shows, I won’t say they don’t have there good points, but there also necessary. If I want my entrepreneurial projects to succeed I rely on my brand as a celebrity. There have been times I wish I could have a quieter life, no doubt, but then what. How long before my clothes, perfume and everything else stop selling, and I’m replace by another wannabe. Porcelain: That may be so, but did you really try? The system won’t change if people go with the flow, and choose the path of least resistance. If we want things to be different people have to be prepared to fight against conformity. Amy: That’s easier said than done. You say you came to fight the system, but ultimately all your going to do is feed it, by creating more stories for the gossip pages and talk shows. You’ll affect a few careers, but things will still be as they are now in a few months.
A knowing grin comes across Porcelain’s face.
Porcelain: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Let me tell you a little secret.
Porcelain glances around, before leaning in, the camera cuts close as she whispers something in Amy’s ear.
Porcelain: I’m not just going after the monkeys. I’ll be taking down the organ grinder as well.
With that Porcelain climbs back down the ladder. The camera watches from Amy’s point of view as Porcelain reaches the bottom, and then walks along a narrow platform above the giant pie. When Porcelain reaches the edge the platform retracts backwards leaving the pie exposed. We then see Porcelain give a wave goodbye, as she calls out.
Porcelain: As you have been so honest and friendly I’ll give you one extra clue. Not all the balls you’ll find will help complete an electrical circuit.
She pauses to turn over an hourglass on a small table next to her, before leaving.
The camera cuts to Amy as she shuffles her feet back a little, to make it easier to bend down, and positions her head slightly above the porridge. She pauses for a second before plunging her head down into the porridge. The camera cuts to a shot looking down on the porridge, we see Amy’s neck sticking out as she moves her head around the porridge. It’s about fifteen seconds before the camera cuts to a close up of Amy’s face as she emerges, her face and hair is now coated in a thick layer of porridge, with a slice of banana sticking to her right cheek. In her teeth she grasps a four cm ball, which as the porridge drips off we can see is made of red rubber. She reaches over and drops the ball on the rack, where we see it takes up about a quarter of the width. The camera cuts to the hourglass, where we see about eighty percent of the time is left. The camera cuts back to the surface of the porridge as Amy plunges her head in once again. The camera then cuts to a beneath the surface shot, where we see Amy’s porridge covered head swish past several times before we see her pause and grab at something. The camera cuts as her head emerges, and once again she has a large ball clasped in her mouth. The camera cuts to the rack as Amy places the second ball on it, and we see this one is made of a silver coloured metallic substance. The camera cuts to Amy who pauses for several seconds, as if contemplating something, before reaching over to grab the red rubber ball on the rack with her teeth, and tossing it away to one side.
Amy plunges her head down again, this time she angles her body to allow her to get a better angle to reach into one of the far corners. Once again she searches around, before pausing slightly before emerging, once again with a metallic ball in her teeth. As she places it on the rack the camera cuts to the hour glass, showing she only has forty percent of her time left. The camera cuts to another shot of Amy’s head submerged under the porridge. It shows the far corner where there is another metallic ball, but it’s behind two rubber ones. Amy grabs one of the rubber balls in her face, and the camera cuts to her emerging and tossing the ball aside. The camera cuts back to her face as she submerges again, reaching out with her chin she moves the other rubber ball aside, and then edges the metallic ball away from the edge of the tub in order to position it so she can grab it with her teeth. A few seconds later her head emerges again from the porridge, this time grasping another metallic ball. She places it on the rack, and lets out a gasp as she shakes her head a little, in order to dislodge some of the porridge now coating her face.
The camera cuts to the hour glass, that now has a little under twenty percent of the time left. The camera cuts back to Amy who is now frantically searching the tub, swishing her head left and right, causing a lot of the porridge to splash over the side. She pauses briefly, and emerges with another ball in her mouth, but it’s one of the rubber ones, which she tosses aside. The camera cuts to a shot looking down at the porridge, and there is a faint glint of metal to the left of Amy. The camera cuts to her face as she plunges her head down towards the glint. The camera focuses on the top of her porridge coated head for several seconds, as she desperately tries to grasp the last ball. The camera cuts to the hour glass, that has barely any sand left, before cutting back to Amy as she emerges from the porridge, clasping the ball in her teeth. She has to place it carefully on the rack, as there’s barely enough room with the other three balls in place. Once it’s in place we here whirl of a small motor, and the shackles around Amy’s wrists retract allowing her to move her hands and wipe some the porridge off her face.
The camera then cuts to a shot of the ladder to the side of Amy, then to a shot of the giant pie. It then cuts to a shot of Amy, who has a wry smile on her face, as she leans on the podium, instead of escaping to the ladder. The camera cuts back to the hourglass as the sand runs out and a loud siren blares out.
The camera cuts to an overhead shot looking down on the giant pie. A large pole, with the podium on which Amy is standing swings down and forward. Just before the podium splashes into the middle of the pie Amy’s silhouette jumps away from it, and she and the podium splash down in to the pie, revealing the large pool of bright green slime as the foam on top is splashed aside. The camera cuts to Amy, as she stands up, now completely covered in a thick green slime, and patches of the white foam, smiling and even laughing a little as she walks over to the ladder.
Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
(This story contains nudity)
Author’s Note: There’s a quick turnaround for the Xmas CSWL editions before the next Gameweek starts, so this story has been written quickly…..
The programme starts and shows the festive themed stage with a large decorated Christmas tree with presents underneath, pictures of santa and his reindeers adorning the walls, and a large overhead neon sign displaying the following:-
There are an assortment of objects in the background which included gunge tanks, dunk tanks, pillories, pits, dangling handcuffs from overhead beams, poles, baths and a large forfeit wheel.
“Welcome to the Ultimate Xmas CSWL! My name is Sarah-Jane Mee and we will be announcing the results from the first round and one lucky celebrity lady will be spinning the forfeit wheel 3 times. Hee Hee! We will also be seeing the outcome of our side competition which we have called ‘Carla’s Predictions’”
Sarah-Jane is wearing a sexy black leather trouser suit, with black blouse and black high heel shoes.
She runs her hand through her gingery blonde long hair. “Before we carry on, let’s bring on my lovely assistant host, Carla Brown.”
Carla confidently walks on to lots of applause, wearing a sexy santa’s costume which consisted of a short strapless red velvet dress with white trim, long red gloves, white stockings and suspenders, white high heel shoes and a red and white santa’s hat.
“Hi everyone. I’m really looking forward to this festive competition, and I hope you all are too. As you can see, I have come appropriately dressed tonight as it is nearly Christmas Day.” The brunette does a 360 degree twirl so that everyone can get a good look at her sexy costume.
Sarah-Jane smirked “Yes you have Carla, and I think most of the viewers at home are probably wishing that they will find you in their stockings on Christmas Day morning.”
“Ha Ha, I guess you are right Sarah-Jane, but they will just have to settle with seeing me in my stockings tonight!”
“Yes I guess that they will have to! Shall we move on to announce the results from Gameweek 18?”
“Yes let’s. The scores from the games are shown behind me.” Carla points to a TV screen above her which displays the results of the 10 games.
“The rules of the competition mean that there is 5 points for a win, 2 points for a draw and 0 points for a loss. There is also an extra point awarded for each goal scored. This means that the scores from this Gameweek are as follows.”
Carla points to the TV screen again, which displays the points that have been awarded for each team and lady.
“As you can see, we have a four-way tie with the lowest amount of points scored of 0, between Susanna Reid, Emma Watson, Bianca Westwood and Tessa Thompson.”
The 4 ladies join Sarah-Jane and Carla on stage.
Sarah-Jane “This means there will be a tie breaker to decide which of the 4 ladies will have to spin the forfeit wheel 3 times.”
Sarah-Jane walks over to a tombola and puts her hand inside. Through the clear perspex side, it can be seen there are lots of sealed envelopes inside. Sarah-Jane pulls one of them out and promptly opens it and reads it out.
“The tie breaker will be decided by the team that had the highest percentage of possession during their respective game….”
The 4 ladies eagerly awaited for the presenter to continue.
“…..and the team with 72% of the possession in their game and the highest of all the 4 teams is……..Chelsea!”
Emma Watson bows her head as she heard her teams name. When she was originally told she was appearing in the Xmas CSWL, and that she had been paired with Chelsea, she was relatively confident that such a good team wouldn’t cause her to have to get messy. Oh, how wrong she was. The other 3 relieved ladies walked off stage, leaving Emma to face her forfeits.
Carla smiles as she beckons Emma towards the Forfeit Wheel. The 28 year old actress looks at some of the forfeits on the wheel, and shakes her head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe I am having to do this! How could Chelsea lose at home to Leicester?”
“There have been some very strange results in this gameweek Emma, but it does mean you have to spin the wheel 3 times.”
Emma gingerly spins the wheel for the first time. All eyes watch the wheel first quicken up and then start to slow down until it settled on a segment called ‘Brandy Sauce Pit’.
Carla walks Emma to a section at the back of the stage where a pit is covered by a tarapaulin. Carla bends down which causes her dress to ride up and shows the audience the tops of her white stockings and her skimpy white knickers. She grabs the tarapaulin and throws it off the pit. Emma stared at what this uncovered, a large pit filled with brandy sauce. She could smell the alcoholic dessert from where she stood, and grumpily turned to Carla.
“Do I have to go in there?”
“Yes you do!”
As Emma took another step towards the pit, she didn’t see Carla sneak behind her. Before the 28 year old knew what was going on, she had been pushed off balance and was heading into the pit face-first. There was a squeal followed by a splat as the actress landed in the pit. Her whole front of her body was submerged in the brandy sauce, as she thrashed about in the pit. Emma slowly stood up to show her white jacket and black trousers were smothered in sauce. Her pretty face and hair also had a brandy sauce coating.
Wiping her eyes, Emma looked over to Carla “Thanks for that!”
“My pleasure! Can you get out please, and spin the wheel for the second time?”
Emma stepped out of the pit and cautiously walked over to the wheel and gave it a spin. It landed on ‘Strip 1 article of clothing’.
Her white jacket was already ruined so Emma slipped the garment off and tossed it to the floor. This revealed that Emma was wearing a strapless black top which showed a lot of cleavage.
Emma sighed as she spun the wheel for the third and final time. This time it stopped on a segment called ‘Snow Tank’.
Carla smiled as she led Emma to one of the gunge tanks. It had perspex walls and a plastic chair inside. Carla opened the door of the tank “In you pop!”
Emma duly obliged and sat down on the chair. She looked upwards to see a nozzle directly over her head. As Carla closed the door of the tank, the actress queried “So I’m going to have snow fall on me?”
Carla grinned from ear to ear as she closed the door firmly shut “You could say that!”
The brunette pulled the lever at the side of the tank, and Emma looked upwards as she heard a gloopy sound abover her. This wasn’t the best choice she had ever made as thick white gunge splashed over her face and hair.
“Yuck!” exclaimed Emma, as gallons of gunge cascaded all over her. She felt the gunge soaking her strapless top and it easily found its way inside coating her tits and stomach. Emma suddenly got a sinking feeling as she felt that her saturated top was about to give way under the force of the gunge. Quickly she moved both hands to keep the top in place against her body so as to prevent exposing herself to the audience and viewers at home.
The gunge flow slowed to a trickle and eventually came to a stop. Carla opened the gunge splashed door and asked Emma to step out. Emma obliged, and everyone saw that she was now covered in the thick white gunge. There was no strand of her lovely brown hair that hadn’t been smothered in the gloopy stuff. Her black top and black trousers were now no longer black, but had turned white with the gunge, and Emma was still holding her top up with her hands, as it became clear that the garment had lost its natural elasticity.
“As you have just discovered, we didn’t use real snow as that wouldn’t be much fun. We thought thick white gunge would be much better!”
Emma just gave a sarcastic shrug of her shoulders in reply.
Sarah-Jane walked over to join Carla and the gunged Emma.
“Thank you for being such a good sport Emma. That’s your forfeits over, so you can either stick around and watch the rest of the show, or you can go and get a shower.”
“Errrm, I think I will go and get cleaned up!”
“I guess that’s the best choice. We wouldn’t want you to have to stop holding your top, would we” winked Sarah-Jane.
“Very funny” was the reply as Emma walked off leaving a white gungey trail behind her.
Sarah-Jane resumes the show “Well, that was a fantastic gunging, and a great messy start to the Xmas CSWL. I can tell you all that we have a bonus guest this evening so please put your hands together for Michelle Keegan”
Michelle walks on wearing a tight white jumper, black and white checked skirt and black knee length boots. She waves to the audience as they enthusiastically applaud her appearance.
“Hi Michelle, and you must be pleased that your team won 5-1 and gave you 10 points to put you in second place on the leaderboard.”
“Yes I am. It was a magnificent effort, and I’m looking forward to them continuing their return to form and keeping me clean!”
“You are right, it was a good result, but before we talk about that a bit more it’s time to find out the result from our predictions competition where Carla goes head to head against an opponent.”
The overhead neon sign changed to:
“Before the gameweek started, both Carla and her opponent predicted the score of 4 upcoming matches. If they get the exact score they earn 40 points. If they get the correct result (i.e. win, draw defeat) then they earn 10 points. The winner of the contest is the one with most points and will get to gunge the loser. Let’s welcome on Carla’s opponent tonight, it’s the lovely Nikki.
Nikki walked on wearing what appears to be a dress made only of wrapping paper.
“Oh my Nikki! I love your dress. I think many of our viewers at home would really like to unwrap you on Christmas morning.”
“Thanks Sarah-Jane. I thought I would come festively dressed.”
After the events during the preview show where Nikki replaced Carla as assistant host (reminder: Carla got dunked in her lingerie in 4 dunk tanks, but Carla got her own back on Nikki by stripping her topless and throwing a bucket of gunge over her), everyone can sense there was an atmosphere between Carla and Nikki. Both ladies look at each other with a little disgust.
Carla was first to speak “I hope I win so I can gunge you!”
Nikki retaliated “Oh no, I want some revenge after you stripped me topless and got me messy on the last show!”
Sarah-Jane interjected “Calm down ladies! Can you all follow me please.”
Sarah-Jane made her way to a tall perspex walled booth with a large compartment above. “Whichever lady loses the predictions contest will have to step into this gunge booth here.” Both Carla and Nikki peered inside and gulped.
“Without further ado, let’s see what the predictions were, and see what points have been earned…”
“Carla got the result for the Southampton match and the Manchester United match correct, so that’s a total of 20 points for her. Nikki also got the Manchester United result correct so that’s 10 points, but she also correctly predicted the exact score for the Bournemouth match which earns her a massive 40 points. Therefore Nikki got 50 points in total and has won the contest!”
Nikki jumped up and down with glee at her victory, as Carla stood with her hands on her hips. “Ha Ha, You’re going to be gunged!”
Sarah-Jane beckoned Carla inside the booth which she grudgingly did. Sarah-Jane grabbed hold of Carla’s Santa’s hat and took it off her head “I think I will keep this!”
Sarah-Jane faces the camera “Before Nikki pulls the lever to gunge Carla, we have a little bonus…..”
Sarah-Jane turned to face an unsuspecting Michelle.
“As you know Michelle, your team sacked their manager before recording that brilliant victory against Cardiff, and we have had a few queries from viewers about whether this should constitute as a punishment for you as the representative of the team. We have consulted the CSWL rulebook, and found that there is nothing stated about situations when this occurs.”
“Thank goodness for that” said a relieved Michelle, as she had become nervous about where Sarah-Jane was heading with this.
“I wouldn’t be too hasty Michelle. When we found there was nothing in the rules, we decided that there actually should be, so the rules have been updated and a manager sacking does now constitute a punishment for the lady concerned.”
Michelle put her hand over her mouth, as she realised the real reason why she had been asked to appear on the show tonight.
Sarah-Jane opened the booth door and asked Michelle to join Carla inside. A shocked Michelle stepped inside, and it proved to be a snug fit with both her and Carla now standing inside the booth, and they had no choice but to press their bodies against each other. Sarah-Jane closed the door, and nodded to Nikki.
Nikki was beaming as she put her hand on the lever “2 for the price of 1”. She pulled the lever and the 2 ladies inside were engulfed with thick green gunge from above. Shouts and squeals could be heard as the gunge quickly covered Carla and Michelle.
Nikki clapped with glee as she watched the ladies and particularly Carla getting thoroughly gunged. The gunge flow eventually stopped and the booth door was opened. Out stepped Michelle first, who was now unrecognisable. Her hair and face had a green gunge coating and her white jumper had been saturated and was now clinging even more to her chest. Her skirt had fared no better and her black knee length boots also had gunge streaming down them. Carla was next to step out with very similar effects to Michelle. Her Santa’s dress was soggy with gunge and unbeknown to her, the strapless dress had fallen down and had bunched around her waist, which now exposed her bouncy tits which were gungey and slimey. Carla looked down on herself and realised what had happened, and cheekily smiled as she posed in front of the camera, and slowly re-positioned her dress to re-cover her tits.
Sarah-Jane was quick to point out “Oooh, a bit of a bonus there for everyone. Thank you for the early Christmas present Carla!”
Sarah-Jane winked at Carla, as her jokey comment brought laughter from the audience, and Nikki was laughing so much, she had to hold her sides so they didn’t split, but it didn’t stop her from teasing Carla further.
“Revenge is so sweet. I have enjoyed this episode soooo much!”
Carla just looked at Nikki with a little contempt.
Sarah-Jane faces the camera “A nice gunging there for Carla and Michelle. During the next round we have a viewer called James who will be taking on Carla in ‘Carla’s Predictions’. On the TV screen above me, are both of their predictions for the 4 chosen games. Will we see the first male gunging on CSWL or is Carla going to get messy again?”
Carla interrupted “I’m keeping my fingers crossed it will be James that gets the gunge!” before she linked arms with Michelle and walked off stage to get cleaned up.
Sarah-Jane continued “Don’t forget that the online polls are open until 3rd Jan. The most voted for lady will get 0 points, the second most will get 1 point and so on, with the least voted lady getting 20 points. The block on repeat voting for everyone has been lifted, which means that viewers can vote again, but can only do so a week after their last recorded vote. We are also going to make the voting public, so viewers can now see who is being voted for.”
“As a reminder, after all 4 rounds have been played, the points from each round will be added together including points from the online vote, and the lady with the least amount of points will receive the ultimate messy forfeit.”
“Join us for round 2 which will be aired on Friday 28th December, where another losing lady will be facing the Forfeit Wheel. Until then, goodbye and a merry Xmas to all!”
A tranche of adverts are broadcast, and then the show reopens with the camera on the glittering gold “Just Sludged”, embossed in the surface of the white icing-type goo. The camera lifts and adjusts its angle so that the ornate archway of white flowers comes into view, the catapult primed and ready behind it. The shot swings round, bringing into view the throne in its white, silken purity. Finally, the camera points out towards the audience, and to the backs of four figures: Clara in her blue tasselled body stocking, Bec in her surf shorts and string bikini top, Juliette in her ‘casual’ wedding dress, and Natalie in her red leather catsuit (panties reinstated, thank you very much).
Natalie: [as the camera view switches to front-on] Welcome back to Grudge-2-Sludge, where love is in the air! Our contestants are engaged to be wed, and earlier on we met my boyfriend Stuart! What about you, Clara? Is a certain gentleman keeping your bed warm at present?
Clara: [tight-lipped] No.
Natalie: [raises eyebrow] Or lady? I don’t want to presume anything; you haven’t been in a relationship all the time I’ve known you, so you could swing either way.
Clara: If you know I haven’t been in a relationship, why did you ask?
Natalie: It was a reticular question.
Clara: Rhetorical.
Natalie: Anyway Clara, I wouldn’t worry. Being single isn’t always so terrible! You’ll find someone to fill that cold, empty space eventually.
Clara: [icily] I’m not worrying. Shall we get on with the show?
Natalie: Indeed let’s. She’s Clara Quick!
Clara: And she’s Natalie Lloyd. [Under breath] cow.
Natalie: I heard that. You’re watching Grudge-2-Sludge, and tonight’s contestants are brides-to-be Juliette Sherrington-Whatshername and Bec McAdam, who are in deadlock over their upcoming big day!
Clara: Juliette has her heart set on a lavish white ceremony with all the trimmings. Bec is determined to exchange vows under the sea in full scuba gear! Tonight they are doing battle to get their wedding way, and send their fiancée for some proper pre-nup punishment in our gooey sludge! [Gestures at the pool behind her]
Natalie: So far it’s near stalemate between our soon-to-be-spouses, after muted performances from both in our first two rounds. Juliette has 16 points, while Bec is a smidgen ahead with 18!
Clara: But that could be all about to change. We have the big-scoring third round still to play, and before that we have the results of the audience vote!
Natalie: Yes, at the beginning of the show Juliette and Bec submitted their wedding plans to our audience experts. Now let’s see their verdict!
The studio lighting drops and each individual seat in the audience lights up either red or blue to indicate the option of its occupant. There are substantial amounts of both colour, but the discerning eye can spot a prevalence of red.
Natalie: Hmm, a fair bit of support for both sides, there, but if you can see a bit more red, you’d be right. I can reveal that 56% of the audience sided with Juliette, while 44% backed Bec!
Juliette: Woo! The white wedding wins!
Juliette waves both fists in the air, but her face betrays a touch of disappointment not to have a bigger majority. Bec, conversely, looks modestly relieved not to have been steamrollered.
Clara: As always we are going to divide your percentages by 5, round to the nearest whole number, and add that to your score. That gives Juliette 11 points and Bec 9!
Natalie: And guess what that means? It means you go into Round 3 with your scores tied on 27!
Clara: Wow, not had this happen before! I should mention that if the scores stay tied at the end of the match, we go with the audience’s choice. That means Juliette would edge it!
Natalie: But it’s so close, anything can happen! And with so much riding on the final round, you could each do with a pal to help you out. That brings us to the next feature of the show: Find a Friend!
Clara: Yes, we are going to select, at random, an audience member who supported each of you. That person will then team up with you in the final showdown!
Natalie: So, computer, do your stuff and find those friends!
Futuristic music plays as the red and blue seat lights start to switch off. Fewer and fewer seats stay illuminated, until a bell chimes and just two are lit. In the red-lit seat, a young woman with a heavy tan and straight black hair puts a hand to her chest as she gapes with surprise. In the seat with the sole blue light on it, a woman in her thirties with ear-length, highlighted hair sports a wry smile.
Clara: The computer has spoken! Come up to the stage, you two! Let’s not waste time!
The two women vacate their seats, and are guided by stage-hands up a set of stairs. We see that the tanned girl in her twenties has a petite figure, while the thirties woman is quite tall. Natalie and Clara direct the two newcomers to stand with their respective contestants.
Natalie: [to the younger woman] So what’s your name?
Woman in 20s: Carissa!
Natalie: Clarissa, nice to meet you!
Carissa:Carissa!
Natalie: Carissa, I do apologise. Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge! Why exactly did you decide to back Juliette with your vote?
Carissa: [with an incredulous air] Why on earth not?! Juliette’s right – a fairytale wedding is every little girl’s dream!
Natalie: And have you realised that dream yet yourself?
Carissa: [points to a diamond ring on her finger] Next July! It’s going to be perfect! I’m deciding everything, by the way. Darren – that’s my fiancé – he knows not to argue!
Natalie: Yes, much simpler when there’s only one bride, isn’t it? Is Darren here tonight?
Carissa: No, he’s working hard to pay for the wedding! I’ll make sure he watches it, though.
Clara: [frowning slightly] Yes… he certainly needs to watch it. [Turns to the woman in her thirties] And what’s your name?
Woman in 30s: I’m Shawna.
Clara: Shawna, hi! Why did you back Bec’s rather unconventional scuba idea?
Shawna: Because like Bec I find the whole fancy glitzy wedding thing very shallow and stale. Might as well do something interesting and different.
Clara: If you don’t mind my asking, are you married yourself?
Shawna: [sourly] Divorced.
Clara: Alright, we don’t need to hear about that! Let’s not shatter any illusions for these soon-to-be-weds! The point is, Carissa and Shawna, you have a crucial role in making sure that your wedding vision wins out in tonight’s contest, and that your team-mate avoids the sludge!
Natalie: We’re sure you’re both up to the challenge, but just to give you that extra boost of inspiration, we have yet another 250 quid to give away to whichever of you helps your team-mate to a better performance!
The audience emits their customary “wooo”.
Clara: But for every carrot there must also be a stick, so whichever of you does less well will face a forfeit, and yes, it will be a forfeit of the messy variety!
Carissa and Shawna grimace.
Natalie: So, all four of you, go backstage, get changed into the lovely outfits we’ve arranged for you – Carissa, you’ll need to take off that engagement ring – psych yourselves up, and prepare to do battle! Because there’s everything to play for in the final round!
ROUND 3: Present and Correct
Some brief titles play and then the scene opens in an expansive set themed around a fantastical workshop. The back wall is decorated with a mural of shelves stacked with half-finished toys and boxes of sweets. The side walls, which fan out at a diagonal angle so as to be easily visible to the studio audience and cameras, are plainer, the left-hand wall being a stark red and right-hand wall a bold blue. Each of these walls features four differently shaped holes. In the centre is a huge pile of ‘snow’ – actually polystyrene beads – out of which numerous shiny gift-wrapped objects protrude.
Natalie and Clara walk onto the set from opposite directions, meeting in front of the snow pile.
Natalie: [rubbing her arms] Brrrrrr!! Dear me, Clara! First they send us to a smelly barn, now this place! It’s cold enough to be the North Pole!
Clara: It is the North Pole, Nat. We’re in Santa’s workshop, and it seems the old bastard hasn’t turned the heating on! It’s one of the things he’s under fire for, along with using zero-hours contracts and not giving his staff adequate breaks!
Natalie: [Tutting] No regard for elf and safety! [Greeted by groans from the audience] Still, it looks like the staff are slacking off at the moment!
Clara: Yes, it’s about time they clocked on. [Calls backstage] Juliette! Bec! Break’s over!
A door in the back wall opens and the two constants walk out, dressed in sexy elf costumes comprising green low-cut tunic, green shorts, and stripey stockings in white and red (for Juliette) or white and blue (for Bec). The girls look mildly embarrassed, although less so than when they were made to dress as chickens.
Natalie: [looking Juliette and Bec up and down] Hmmm, bit of a motley crew, but I s’pose they’ll have to do. What’s the task, Clara?
Clara: See this big pile of snow? This is because Santa didn’t keep up maintenance on the roof. [Shakes her head] Unfortunately a lot of Christmas presents have been buried under there, and there’ll be a lot of disappointed girls and boys unless someone digs them out! Juliette and Bec, that’s where you come in! What you need to do is retrieve as many presents as you can, and post them through the wall so they can be dispatched!
Clara gestures the four holes in the red-coloured wall. One of them is a simple circle, while another has a clear teddy-bear shape and another has the outline of a car. The highest and largest hole has a bicycle shape.
Clara: Each type of present will only fit through its correct hole, and you need to line it up!
Natalie: Right, so basically what our players have to do is pull presents out of that pile and put them through the holes in their wall? No offence, Clara, but that sounds a bit easy.
Clara: Ahh, well there’s one thing I haven’t mentioned yet. [Hold up two sturdy black blindfolds]. Here, you put on Juliette’s and I’ll do Bec’s!
Juliette and Bec stand obediently while the presenters put on their blindfolds. These are tightly secured to make sure they can’t come off.
Natalie: There! Ladies, can you see anything?
Juliette: No!
Bec shakes her head.
Clara: Better check that. [Makes a rude gesture in front of Bec’s face. There is no reaction from Bec.]
Natalie: [Holds up a photo of a wedding dress being set on fire in front of Juliette. Again, no reaction] Seems pukka! [Strokes her chin] I can’t help thinking that the game is now too hard. If only our contestants had a guardian angel to guide them!
Clara: Funny you should say that, Nat…
Magical sparkling sound effects play, and brilliant white light shines from above. Carissa and Shawna descend from the ceiling on harnesses. They are dressed in flowing white gowns with prominent wings affixed to their backs. They come to stop a good 15 feet above the floor.
Clara: Ahh, hello Ladies! Nice of you to drop in!
Natalie: [looking up] Blimey! What the gents in our audience would give to have the view I have!
Carissa and Shawna blush.
Clara: Never mind that! What’s important is the view you two have from up there! Shawna and Carissa, it’s your job to guide your contestant by shouting directions to them. Hope you know your left from your right!
Natalie: Footballs are worth 2 points, teddy bears and toy cars are both worth 3 points, and those BMX bikes – which every child wants for Christmas – are worth a whopping 5 points!
Clara: Seeing as it’s Christmas, We’re going to put an extended two and a half minutes on the clock for this one. But beware: the roof hasn’t been fixed and it could snow again at any time!
Natalie: Oh, and there a few unexploded Christmas puddings in that heap, so watch out!
Clara: Best of luck! Away you go!
Natalie and Clara scuttle away as the countdown commences. Anarchy reigns supreme, with the two elves staggering blindly about, and the angels shouting whatever comes into their minds, each fighting to be heard over the other. Juliette quickly stumbles over, the soft snow fortunately breaking her fall. Bec manages to outdo her by jogging into a deep pile and setting off one of the “unexploded Christmas puddings” that Natalie warned about. The resulting bang makes everybody jump, while dark-brown gunk sprays up Bec’s front, staining her green shorts and jerkin and catching her lower face. In her shock, so totters backwards and lands on her arse. To compound the chaos, ‘snow’ starts drizzling from the ceiling; unlike the powdery stuff piled on the ground, it is wet and slushy. The angels are not above the elements, it would seem, getting soaked alike to the elves.
Juliette gets back to her feet and ploughs into the pile. Carissa, shouting from above, tells her to move rightwards to where some green gift-wrap can be seen. Juliette sidesteps, swinging her arms about her. Her palm touches the gift-wrapped item and she pulls it out. Carissa is pleased to see that is a bike-shaped present, worth the highest number of points. She instructs Juliette to make a one-eighty. Juliette staggers out of the pile, very hesitantly advancing towards the wall, veering a little left then a little right under Carissa’s instruction. Once she reaches the bike-shaped hole, however, she quickly works out the required orientation for the bike more or less by herself and posts it through the hole.
Bec, meanwhile, is making more haphazard progress. She snatches a ball-shaped present from amid the snow, and rushes towards her wall. Her lack of caution and failure to heed Shawna’s shouted warnings lead to her running straight into the wall. She bounces off, landing on her bum again, and the ball slips from her grip and rolls away. She runs round in circles, trying to locate the ball, and unfortunately her foot finds it and kicks it off the set altogether. Shawna shouts at Bec to abandon that particular gift, and guides her back to the snow pile to find another.
The snowstorm intensifies, with whitish slush billowing through the air. Carissa’s and Shawna’s gowns become soaked and see-through, revealing their underwear. Down below, Juliette steps on a Christmas pudding, squealing as the brown goop splashes up her legs. Bec picks one up, supposing it to be a football, and it explodes in her front and face.
There are a couple of occasions on which the players clash: one time when they run into each other, both tumbling into the snow, and another time when they grab hold of the same toy car (Bec was the winner in that scuffle). Overall though, it appears that Juliette is shaping up as the better performer. She and Carissa become highly streamlined in locating items and taking them to the correct hole in the wall, and Juliette is especially adept at posting them through. Bec, meanwhile, appears to be faring less well from her heavy-handed and hasty approach, and she doesn’t always pay due heed to Shawna’s instructions. She does have her moments of fluke, however; for example kicking a ball straight through the hole in her wall.
Clara: Ten seconds left! Nine!! Eight!!
Natalie, Clara and audience: SEVEN!! SIX!! FIVE!! FOUR!! THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!!
Christmas bells chime. Juliette posts her last gift through the wall just in the nick of time. Bec sprawls onto her back, making a snow angel. Carissa and Shawna become aware of their exposed states and wrap their arms around themselves in embarrassment.
Clara: [Walking onto the set] That’s it – time’s up! Ladies, you may now take your blindfolds off.
Juliette and Bec are pleased to comply. They look at each other and laugh. Bec, who is the messier, scoops a handful of Christmas pudding off herself and lobs it at Juliette.
Natalie: Hey! Stop that, you two! I don’t want any of that stuff on me! [Looks up] I think we better bring these angels down to earth!
Carissa and Shawna are lowered until their feet are on the floor. Natalie detaches their harnesses.
Clara: Juliette and Bec, seeing you blunder about was a sight to behold and I’m sure you’ll cringe when you see the video! But I guess there’s only thing you care about right now, and that’s how well you did. Let’s find out, starting with Juliette!
The red wall lifts vertically away, revealing behind it a space in which the items that Juliette posted through are lying. Juliette was already looking upbeat about her performance in the game. Upon seeing the fruits of her toils, her smile grows even broader.
Natalie: [stepping over to the pile] Hmm! Well, the presents are a bit soggy, and you wouldn’t get many marks for presentation, but it looks like you’ve done pretty well here. Let’s see now: one football, one teddy, two cars, and – look at this; a whole bloody bike shop! – One, two, three, four, five bikes! Juliette, that is a sensational performance, and it gives you a sensational score of [looks to the monitors] 36 points!
Juliette and Carissa high-five. Bec purses her lips.
Clara: That is a stunning score – the highest we’ve had in a final round – and it brings Juliette’s final total to 63 points! Bec, if you are to win this, you need to score one better than your fiancée. Reckon you’ve done it?
Bec: [bluntly] No.
Natalie: Mmm, you might be pleasantly surprised… probably not though. Let’s take a look!
The blue wall follows suit with the red wall by rising vertically. As the accumulated items come into view, Juliette gasps “yes!” under her breath while Bec nods wryly.
Clara: [wanders over] Oh dear, oh dear. We try to be positive about contestant performances on the show, but this is pretty poor, Bec! I thought as a diver you’d be good at feeling your way around darkened places!
Bec: [shrugging] Ah’m not so good with shapes, that’s all.
Clara: Well let’s see what you’ve got: four footballs, two cars, no teddies – are they not macho enough for you? – and just one bike. All in all, Bec [sighs], that gives you 19 points.
With a wry smile growing on her face, Bec raises her arms in the air in an ironic air of celebration.
Natalie: Meaning that you end the game with a score of 46 points! Juliette, it barely needs saying, babe, but congratulations – you are tonight’s winner!
Juliette:Yesss!! Ha ha!
Juliette points gleefully at Bec, who fires back by slapping Juliette’s thigh through her sopping stocking.
Clara: Hey, let’s not start all that mischief again! You two stand still and behave yourselves, while we quickly deal with our angels!
Natalie: Carissa, excellent team-work between you and Juliette, and your stonking score means that you are the recipient of the £250 cash prize! [Hands Carissa a golden envelope]. You can put that towards your wedding and maybe Darren can enjoy a night off work, huh?
Carissa: [with a mischievous smirk] I’ll think about it. Thanks very much; I enjoyed playing.
Clara: Hard luck, Shawna. You put in a reasonable effort and I think it was more Bec’s fault than your own that the pair of you didn’t do so well. Nonetheless, it means you don’t get any money, but you are the lucky winner of an alternative prize – a festive sleigh ride!
Clara puts her hand on Shawna’s shoulder and leads her toward a gleaming one-seater sleigh.
Shawna: Any chance I can say thanks but no thanks?
Clara: You can say it but it won’t make any difference! Now then… I think I better take these off. [Detaches the angel wings from Shawna’s back] On you get!
Pulling a face, Shawna clambers into the sleigh, pulling down her sodden gown over her knees. By the magic of CGI, Shawna’s surroundings change to a snowy pine forest, through which the sleigh appears to be racing while Shawna wears a bemused expression. A cheesy synth version of Jingle Bells plays and the audience claps along.
Suddenly, a big deluge of the slushy white snow, thicker, heavier and more targeted than that which fell in the game, gushes down on Shawna. She screams as her hair gets blanketed and her gown, though remaining white, becomes less see-through due to the layer covering it.
Natalie: Gotta watch out for those heavy snow showers!
The scenery changes to a tabletop loaded with festive treats. Shawna, seemingly in miniature, weaves between yule logs and plates of mince pies. Another deluge drops on her without warning, bright yellow and even thicker than slow, causing her to shriek again.
Clara: Bit of marzipan there!
The sleigh comes to a supposed stop. Shawna wipes some of the yellow gunk and flings at some person who is off-camera. She is is framed by a brick fireplace, complete with stockings hanging down.
Natalie: Uh-oh! Sounds like a Santa’s coming down the chimney!!
Shawna hurriedly ducks as a plummeting sound effect plays. A pair of CGI legs poke out of the chimney, with red trousers and snow-covered boots flailing. Confused, Shawna sits up slightly, just as a huge heap of ‘soot’ drops from the chimney, exploding around her.
Clara: Oh dear! Clumsy old bugger, Santa! Must be all that sherry.
The cloud clears to reveal a spluttering Shawna, now looking like a Mary Poppins extra. She pulls a face of mock resentment towards Natalie and Clara.
Natalie: Thanks for being a good sport, Shawna! As a token of our affection, we’re gifting you a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack. Everyone, let’s hear it for Shawna and also for Carissa!
As the audience applauds the pair, Natalie and Clara stroll over to rejoin Juliette and Bec. Juliette is in high spirits and dancing a little jig on the spot. Bec stands with her hands on her hips, her demeanour more rueful.
Clara Ah! It’s the most wonderful time of the year… and we’re coming to the most splendid part of the show!
Natalie: Indeed! Juliette, you’re practically brimming with cheer; you must know what’s coming up next!
Juliette: [sweetly] That I most certainly do!
Clara: And Bec, do you know what part of the show is coming up next?
Bec: [nodding wearily] Aye, ah do.
Natalie: [To the camera] Oh, she knows, we know, and I dare say you know too! It’s time for Juliette and Bec to get changed into their wedding finery one more time…
Clara: …Because it’s beginning to feel a lot like Sludgemas!
The scene fades in from black to white – the soft, matte white of the icing-like goo, shimmering under the studio lights, the golden “Just Sludged” lettering glinting from an oblique angle in the centre of the shot. The camera commences its customary roving across the surface, which, in contrast to the usual undulations and variations in colour, is as flat and uniform as an Arctic ice sheet, punctuated only by the wavy lines of pink and gold piping.
Arriving at the end of the pool, the camera rises, past the powerful mechanism of the catapult and up its beam, before coming to a pair of bare feet, gently laid on the foot rest. As the camera continues to rise we see a snake tattoo looping around one athletic leg and a crescent moon above the ankle of the other. Bec’s legs are slightly apart, her surf shorts hanging loosely about her thighs. Her upper half is attired only by her blue string bikini top, and on her face she wears a small smirk. She plays up to the camera when it is on her, shaking her head slowly.
Clara: [voice from out of shot] Here we are – the big day has arrived! Bec is at the altar and she is all set for some awful wedded strife!
The camera zooms out, showing Bec framed by the ornate archway of white flowers, while Clara stands beside the catapult. It then pans around to the silk-upholstered throne, on which Juliette looks every bit the bridal princess in her slimline wedding dress. Beside the throne Natalie is standing.
Natalie: Juliette, what can I say? Congratulations! It was a stalemated game most the way through, but that sure changed in the final round! It’s fair to say Bec bungled her chances in Santa’s workshop, but equally you put up an incredible performance. You must have really, really, really wanted that fairytale wedding!
Juliette: [with a blissful smile] Oh I did, Natalie, and I can’t wait to get home and get organising! I can already picture the dress Bec will be wearing!
Clara: Well I hope you can wait a bit longer, because before Bec gets to wear the dress, she gets to wear a mess! Bec, you’ve been on a few diving boards in your time, I’m sure. How does ours compare for scariness?
Bec: [smiling wryly] Well Clara, the dive itself doesn’t scare me too much; it’s what’s at the bottom that concerns me!
Clara: Oh, so it should, so it should! But there is a glimmer of hope for you. Nat and I may be highly harsh, but we’re not wholly heartless, and we’ve done the decent thing and cooked you a wedding breakfast – or should that be, a Three-course Ordeal! Bring it out, Nat!
From out of the dimness Natalie wheels a trolley, on which rest three flashy silver serving containers. On the left is a tureen labelled “Gloop of the Day”, in the middle is a cylindrical serving pot labelled “Manky Mains”, and on the right is a jug labelled “Just Desserts.”
Natalie: Oh where will the wedding breakfast be, mhhmm? On one of you two, that’s where!
Clara: Bec, this is your opportunity to get some measure of pre-nuptial payback on Juliette and stop her leaving here with that dress completely pristine.
Juliette grimaces on her throne.
Clara: I’m going to ask you three questions – straightforward, multiple-choice questions – one for each course of the ordeal. Get a question right, and Natalie will pour that course all over your dear Juliette!
Natalie: But answer wrong, and you’ll be getting an undercoat ahead of your trip to the sludge!
Clara: Let’s get started, shall we? Natalie, what’s the Gloop of the Day?
Natalie: [lifting the lid of the tureen] Errghh! It’s leaky!
Clara: You mean cock-a-leekie?
Natalie No, this container is leaky! [Holds up a hand with some light-brown goo on it] Hurry up and ask the question!
Clara: Alright, good thing it’s a short one. Bec, to the nearest thousand, how many legal marriages were registered in Scotland in 2017? Were there
Twenty-eight thousand?
Thirty-eight thousand?
Or forty-eight thousand?
Bec: Hhhhmmm. [Licks her lips as her eyes rove upwards]. Call me a pessimist, but ah’m gonna go for the lowest one – what was it, twenty…?
Clara: Twenty-eight thousand.
Bec: Yeah. That one.
Clara: Okay, I’m calling you a pessimist, but you’re a correct pessimist! The exact number of marriages was 28,440, of which 982 were same-sex.
Bec raises a fist in the air. Juliette bleats.
Natalie: And that means Juliette gets Gloop of the Day!
Pulling a face, Natalie picks up the tureen and holds it at arms’ length as she carries it over to the throne, dripping a trail on the floor. Juliette stands up as Natalie approaches.
Juliette: No no! Not the dress!
Natalie: Sit down, Juliette!
Juliette: I’ll take the dress off! How does that sound?
From the boisterous male cheer that fills the studio, it seems the audience think this is an excellent idea.
Clara: No, that’s not happening! Sorry folks – not happening! Sit down and take your gloop, Juliette!
Natalie: Yeah, hurry up! It’s leaking everywhere!
Cringing, Juliette slowly lowers herself back onto the plush seat of the throne. Her whimpers turn to a squeal as the brown goo flows onto her blonde hair, and her crown of red flowers is quickly swept away in the avalanche of leek and carrots. Her main concern is not for herself, but for her dress, which she tries to shield with her hands. Her efforts are hopeless, and the double-lace garment soon becomes sopping and stained brown, clinging to her lithe figure. Natalie dumps the remainder of the stewed veg onto Juliette’s head and retreats to wipe her hands.
Juliette: Oh, my poor dress!!
Clara: Dear me. Imagine if she’d actually lost! What’s for Manky Mains, Nat?
Natalie: [chucks away her napkin and lifts the lid on the serving pot] It’s baked beans! [Shrugs at audience] It is a wedding breakfast, after all!
Clara: Ooh, baked beans! That dress’ll look good in orange! Let’s see if you can make it happen, Bec. Here’s the question: When it comes to getting hitched, few have been more experienced than King Henry VIII, who famously notched up half a dozen spouses. But which of the following women was not one of his wives?
Catherine Howard?
Lady Jane Grey?
or Anne Boleyn?
Bec: History, bleh. Well… ah know Anne Boleyn was one of ’em. Dunno about the other two… Catherine Howard doesn’t sound like a very regal name, does it? So ah’m gonna go with that.
Juliette: [waving her arms] Yay!
Clara: Hmm, Juliette seems to have an opinion on that answer! [Turning to Juliette] Would you care to enlighten your fiancée?
Juliette: Catherine Howard was Henry VIII’s fifth wife. She got her head cut off, as did Anne Boleyn, his second wife. Lady Jane Grey wasn’t one of his wives – she was his great niece – although that didn’t stop her getting her head cut off too.
Natalie: Huh, what a family! Must have been a right bad atmosphere at Christmas dinner! Speaking of bad atmospheres, it’s beans for Bec!
Natalie takes the serving pot to the platform behind the catapult. Bec smiles nervously but sits still as Natalie tips the pot. The beans flood out in their river of orange sauce, quickly covering Bec’s hair and flattening it to her scalp. Bec gasps as the beans flow onto her bare shoulders and chest, turning her blue bikini top a darker shade. Juliette laughs and claps from her throne.
Clara: Ooh yes, lots of beans for Bec there! It’s one mess each so far, but who will get their Just Desserts? And for that matter, what are the Just Desserts?
Natalie: [lifting the lid from the jug] Seeing as a wedding ends with a honeymoon, tonight’s Just Desserts are some honey!
Clara: Okay Bec, this last question is pot-luck trivia: What would a Korean – or indeed anyone – most appropriately put inside a beoseon?
A stir-fry?
A candle?
Or their foot?
Bec tries to adopt a serious manner as she considers the question, despite the beans continuing to slide down her head and body. The indentations of her nipples are starting to show through the bikini top.
Bec: Well as ye know ah’m a chef and ah’ve been doing Asian cuisine for a number of years now, and ah’ve never heard of one of those for doing a stir-fry. Ah suppose it could be some kind of candle-holder, but ah think it’s more likely it’s a shoe. Ah mean, there are so many different words for shoe, aren’t there? So, yeah, ah’ll say ye put yer foot in it.
Clara: [sucks in] But have you put your foot in it? Bec, I can tell you that a beoseon is not a shoe.
Bec sighs. Juliette whoops.
Clara: It is in fact a sock! So you’re right!
The reactions of the couple reverse. Natalie picks up the jug.
Natalie: Honeyyy, I’m hooomme!
Natalie climbs the steps behind the throne. Juliette is less distraught than last time – now that her dress is already spolit – but still whimpers as Natalie upturns the jug above her. The honey is so viscous it takes a while to pour, creeping out in a semi-solid mass, which envelops Juliette’s head as a translucent, golden blanket. The gleaming honey covers Juliette’s already sodden blonde hair and slides down her exposed back. It encroaches onto her face, forcing her to close her eyes. Natalie shakes out the remainder onto Juliette’s chest and legs, and walks away.
Juliette clears her eyes and gasps at the sensation of the heavy honey. Bec is laughing and clapping at the sight.
Clara: Two out of three – you didn’t do badly, Bec. You’ve made Juliette’s ‘casual’ dress even more casual! But I wouldn’t laugh if I were you, because the wedding breakfast is over and it’s time for you to be carried over the threshold!
Instead of the usual Hallelujah Chorus, Wagner’s Treulich Geführt (a.k.a. Here Comes the Bride) plays as the golden chain descends from the ceiling, coming to stop at a convenient height to the right of Juliette’s throne.
Natalie: Juliette, sorry about the dress, and I know the sweet and savoury combo isn’t ideal, but you are going to get the last laugh in a big way. So take a good look at Bec there, your fiancée, your dearly beloved. Think about how she’s worn your patience with this batty scuba idea, how she scorned your desires for a fairytale fantasy. And when you’re good and ready, take hold of that golden chain…
Natalie and Clara together: …AND SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
The two presenters dash for cover. With true princessly poise, Juliette pouts supremely at Bec, takes the chain danitily between thumb and forefinger and pulls. Bec wears a resigned grin as the catapult jerks backwards, while sparks erupt either side of her. A wedding bell sound-effect booms around the studio, and numerous jetlets of white foam spray inwards from the ornate archway.
The catapult sits for a half-second in the horizontal configuration, then fires. The catapult arm reaches the vertical, and Bec blasts through the ring of spraying foam. But instead of flailing in a belly flop, as was the manner of previous sludgees, she lengthens her body into a classic dive – legs back, arms forward, head down. The audience’s cheer reaches its crescendo as the diving Bec penetrates the sludge, dead on the golden lettering. Her body cleanly carves through with minimum resistance, until her bare feet are swallowed up by the thick white goo.
For a few seconds, there is scarce sign that anything has occured, save the destruction of the elegant lettering and a small indentation in its place. The surface of the sludge remains still and calm. Even Juliette, amidst her jubiliation, looks a little confused and concerned.
When Bec finally emerges, it is right at the front end of the pool. At first a single rounded indentation forms in the matte surface. Then this splits into three as head and shoulders become apparent. Next two white hands grasp at the wall as Bec hauls herself upward.
Natalie and Clara weren’t lying when they said that this was the thickest sludge yet. The figure whose head and upper chest emerges looks akin to the Michelin man. Bec is absolutely caked in the icing-like goo, nothing of her hair or skin can be seen. It is all but impossible to tell which is her front half and which is the back, save for her mouth, gulping open and closed a few times towards the raucously cheering audience.
Juliette, treated to the back view, finds that hilarious enough, pointing as she emits peals of laughter. Bec, recovering from the bracing shock as she wipes her eyes and clears out her ears, starts to laugh too. She turns to face Juliette, who finds the front view even more amusing.
Bec, playing the good sport to please her fiancée, makes a comic pratfall, pretending to lose her balance, and resubmerges with her arms outstretched. Two white feet kick upwards. Bec’s shorts are, no doubt, fully filled. When Bec’s head and shoulders rise again from the depths, a high-pressure jet of pink frosting-type goo sprays at her from above, catching her on the shoulder and the side of her face. A second jet, this time shiny gold, splashes onto the top of Bec’s head and down her back.
Natalie: [walking slowly back onto the scene, clapping heartily] Ohh-ho-ho-ho! Woww!
Clara: [joining Natalie] Something old…
Natalie: …Something new…
Clara: …Something borrowed…
Multiple jets of vibrant blue frosting encircle Bec, invoking another round of cheering and hysterics from Juliette.
Natalie and Clara together: [looking at each other] Something blue!!!
Natalie: I always love a good bridal shower! That was fantastic!
Clara: A sublime sludging it was indeed! Now, a wedding isn’t complete without a dodgy home video of the proceedings, so let’s watch it again in slow motion!
The slow-mo replays opens with the grinning Bec being drawn back amidst the fountains of sparks. The catapult launches with such force that several beans are shaken from Bec’s orange form, but nonetheless Bec keeps a determined composure as her muscles flex and she puts her diving expertise into practice. Already as the catapult beams reaches the vertical, she is poised with her arms and torso pointing forward. She pushes off the beam as it comes to a sudden stop, further uncoiling her body as she dives through the ornate archway and gets a coating of spray foam on top of the beans. Her body elegantly extends, her shorts flapping on her legs, and she causes barely a ripple as she cuts precisely into the thick white goo.
Back in the present, Natalie and Clara hold up score cards, both giving Bec’s dive a perfect ’10’. They then walk over to Juliette at her throne.
Natalie: Well done, Juliette! You’ve punished Bec for her scuba silliness, and as a bonus, all her tattoos are covered up for once! I can see you’re happy!
Juliette: [holding out her palms serenely] Absolutely elated, Natalie!
Clara: Well something to elate you even further is that high-class hen party in York. We’ve got everything sorted out, and all you need to do is invite your chums!
Juliette: Splendid, Clara, thank you!
Natalie: But let’s not forget the real prize – the most important document in your relationship until you get your actual marriage certificate!
Natalie holds the customary king-size certificate up to the camera and reads it out.
This is to certify that
has had the grudge with her fiancée
settled in her favour, and that accordingly:
‣ Juliette and Bec will marry at a fairytale wedding, over which Juliette will have full creative control. This includes Bec wearing whatever Juliette chooses for her.
‣ Bec will not collect any new tattoos, except for having the Grudge-2-Sludge logo tattooed on her bum.
Signed,
Natalie LloydClara Quick
Clara: [pointing] And as you can see, there’s a space at the bottom for your favourite screencap of Bec in the sludge! I hope you’ll be able find space on your wall amongst all those bride cutouts to put it!
Juliette: Oh, there’ll be space – don’t you worry! Thanks once again. God knows how long this argument would have gone on without your help!
Natalie: Glad to be of service! Do keep us updated on that trip to the tattoo parlour, won’t you? Ladies and gents, let’s have a big round of applause for tonight’s winner, Juliette!
While the audience duly cheers, the presenters stroll over to the poolside. Bec grins at the camera as she bobs in the sludge up to her bust. Apart from the immediate vicinity of her eyes, she hasn’t made any attempt to wipe herself, and her face, hair and torso are still completely buried by the blue-streaked white gunk.
Clara: And as for you, Bec – you wanted to go diving in crystal tropical waters; instead you’ve taken a plunge into our sludge! How’s it feeling in there?
Bec: A bit nippy. Quite smelly. Not very romantic, really.
Natalie: That’s what we like to hear! As I’m sure you heard, Juliette now has a completely free rein to go wedding crazy, and that includes choosing a big bride’s dress for you to wear! Are you sure you can cope with this?
Bec: Aye. We made a deal and Juliette won fair and square. So we’ll have the big church wedding, we’ll have the page boys, and ah’ll wear the biggest, girliest dress Juliette can lay her hands on! And if that makes Juliette happy, then ah’m happy as well.
Clara: Ah, well that’s very gracious of you. Thanks for being a great sport and–
Natalie: Watch out Clara!
Juliette has stepped down from her throne. Pushing past Clara and Natalie, she kneels by the side of the pool and put her arms around Bec, not caring for the sludge. The two of them lean in to kiss.
Clara: [with a shrug] You may kiss the bride!
Natalie: Ooo look! Confetti!
Sure enough, coloured pieces of paper flutter down from the ceiling – first a gentle sprinkling, then heap upon heap, bombing the embracing women. The confetti sticks to the sludge covering Bec and to the honey on Juliette’s hair and dress. The audience applaud wildly.
Natalie: [facing the camera] Awww, isn’t that lovely! What a wonderful couple they are!
Clara: Unfortunately Bec will have to sort her own hen party – which I’m sure she’ll do more than admirably – but she does of course get a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack! [Looks over her shoulder at the canoodling couple] Think we better leave it for her in the dressing room!
Natalie: …Along with a bottle of champagne and a “do not disturb” sign!
Clara: Anyway, that brings down the curtain on another edition of Grudge-2-Sludge!
Natalie: We’d like to wish you all the very best of festive cheer. We’ll be back in 2019 to settle yet more grudges…
Clara: …And serve up yet more sludges!
Natalie: She was Clara Quick!
Clara: And she was Natalie Lloyd! Good night!
The outro music plays, and the camera is on Juliette and Bec as they wave happily goodbye. Confetti continues to billow down, and by this time Bec is fully multi-coloured and Juliette has also taken on a heavy covering. As the camera slowly zooms out, Bec makes a joking attempt to pull Juliette into the pool. Juliette fights back by wresting a gungy object from Bec’s possession, which she tosses to Clara’s and Natalie’s feet. It is Bec’s bikini top.
Natalie: Oh bloody hell!
Natalie and Clara scramble to obscure the view of Bec with their bodies, although there is nothing to be seen through all the sludge anyway. The scene cuts to a montage of the show’s highlights: the more wacky parts of the contestants’ video-reels, gameplay action from Rounds 1 and 3, the flanning of the posties, Shawna getting pelted with marzipan and soot, and the ‘wedding breakfast’ being served. The montage culminates in Juliette pulling the chain, followed by a bird’s-eye view of Bec being launched from the catapult and diving cleanly into the sludge, followed by the emergence of head and shoulders, misshapen and white, at the far end of the pool.
Thanks again to Oobleck for commissioning this episode and providing the great characters and highly original grudge to work with.
As advised by Natalie and Clara, stay tuned in the new year for more episodes! Scheduled next, squabbling sisters Kate and Ellie step up for a sludgy showdown…
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