Disclaimer: Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment. This story may feature scenes of nudity/a sexual nature.
The show’s theme song played, as the studio lights warmed up to full glare. As the studio audience clapped their hands and cheered, a slender dark-haired woman walked on stage in a floor-length pink dress. She waved and smiled to the audience. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen,” she said. “And welcome to the fifth episode of Totally Trashed! I am Kirsty Gallacher. Tonight, I’ve been joined by my co-presenter, Hannah Martin!”
A blonde-haired woman with chin-length hair walked onto the stage in the same pinky-red minidress she’d worn for the preview show. She waved ans smiled to the cameras and audience before giving Kirsty a friendly hug.
Smiling, Kirsty extricated herself from the hug. “Welcome back to Totally Trashed, Hannah,” she said warmly. “Are you ready to see which of our final sixteen ladies in Round One are going through to the next round?”
The bubbly blonde giggled. “Thank you, Kirsty,” she replied. “Yes, like everyone who has kept track of this competition I looking forward to seeing who goes through to Round Two and who gets covered in slop.”
Kirsty grinned. “Well said. Right, we’ve got the results of eight matches to reveal. Let’s go! Match Twenty-five is a German-Russian face-off between model and TV presenter Lena Gercke and Victoria’s Secret model Natasha Poly.
Both ladies walked out from back-stage in red outfits, Lena wearing a strapless, ankle-length maroon dress with a slit down the right side almost to her hip and Natasha wearing a red bra with black lace trim, red thong, red and black lace suspender belt and sheer black stockings and red high heels. Smiling and waving to the audience, they took their seats.
Hannah gave a quick grin into the camera. “Okay, moving on,” she announced. “Match Twenty-six is between UK glamour model Carla Brown and New Zealand model and actress Jessica Nutley.”
Both contestants walked into view wearing the same attire as they had for the series introductory episode, Carla in a white scoop-necked dress and Jessica in a metallic pair of shorts and a black tank top. With smiles and waves for the studio and at-home audiences, they sat down on the familiar, to the audience, bar-stools.
Hannah smiled at the two ladies. “Welcome back to the show, Carla, Jessica,” she said. “Are you set for what may be coming up?” Both contestants nodded nervously in reply.
Kirsty Gallacher glanced at her co-presenter and gave a mischievous grin. “Hmmm, these seem to be a tough crowd, Hannah,” she joked, getting a round of laughter from everyone in the studio. “Anyway, moving on. Match Twenty-seven sees Greek-Irish glamour model Georgia Salpa take on German model Alena Gerber.”
The two models stepped out onto the stage wearing what they’d worn for their previous appearance on the show, Georgia in her blackcurrants-and-leaves-patterned minidress and Alena in a mid-thigh length black dress, sheer black stockings and black high-heeled shoes. Smiling, the two ladies took their seats with a final wave to the audience.
Hannah grinned. “Next up is Match Twenty-eight, actress Rose McIver versus glamour model Louise Glover.”
Both ladies walked on-stage wearing the same dresses they’d worn for the introductory episode. Waving and smiling, they made their way to their seats for that night’s show.
Kirsty smiled at her co-presenter. “Keeping things short and sweet are we, Hannah?” she asked sarcastically.
“Well neither of us wants the producer yelling in our ears to hurry this segment up, Kirsty,” Hannah snarked back.
Kirsty laughed at that. “That’s true,” she chuckled, turning back to one of the cameras. “So, to get us back on track we have Match Twenty-Nine, where we find glamour model Danielle Lloyd going up against fellow glamour model Daisy Lowe.”
Both busty brunettes walked out onto the stage almost side-by-side. Danielle wore the same grey minidress as for her previous appearance on the show, likewise Daisy was wearing the same black leather skirt, black strappy top and black blazer as before. They took their seats waving and smiling to the crowded studio.
Hannah chuckled at the antics of her fellow glamour models. “Well, they don’t seem to have too much trouble with their nerves,” she said, laughing. “But then, I always thought you had to be a bit of an exhibitionist to be a glamour model. Anyway, moving on, we’re on the home stretch. It’s Match Thirty, which sees former glamour model Keeley Hazell up against former glamour model and Hollyoaks actress Gemma Atkinson!”
Both former glamour models walked out onto the stage, Gemma wearing the same red dress as before while Keeley wore the black dress and red cardigan that she’d also worn for the series introduction. With smiles and waves to the audience, they took their seats alongside the other already announced contestants.
Kirsty looked on and frowned. What is it with glamour models and being confident going into this competition? she wondered. I know I wouldn’t be. “Glad you’re feeling confident, ladies,” she said. “Next up is Match Thirty-one. This pits Canadian actress Theresa Longo against British singer-songwriter and model Rachel Stevens.”
Both ladies walked on-stage with wide smiles. They were dressed as they had been for their previous appearance on the show, with Theresa wearing the same long-sleeved golden-brown minidress and Rachel in a black ankle-length dress. With a last wave to the audience, they took their seats on the now almost traditional bar-stools.
It fell to Hannah to finish off the reintroductions. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached the final Round One match,” she announced. “Match Thirty-two sees Bond Girl Eva Green take on former glamour model and Hollyoaks actress Gemma Merna.”
Both actresses appeared in long dresses which showed off a tasteful amount of cleavage. Eva’s was a flowing turquoise gown, while Gemma’s was a figure-hugging red number. They both sat down with smiles and waves to the crowd although Gemma’s smile was wider and more confident than Eva’s.
Hannah grinned. “Wow, they are tonight’s sixteen contestants,” she began. “Join us after the break when we find out which of them are going through to the next round and who will face the pie barrage! Don’t go away!” The studio lights dimmed as the theme song was piped through the speakers.
Minutes later, the studio lights came back on, revealing the sixteen seated contestants and as before Kirsty and Hannah were standing at a lectern to the side. With a wide smile for the camera, Kirsty opened the familiar ominous brown and green envelope. “Well, lads and lasses,” she said, reminding everyone of her Scottish roots. “It’s time to find out who goes through to next round and who messily exits stage left. I can reveal that, in Match Twenty-five, with fifty-two percent of the vote the contestant going through to Round Two is, Lena Gercke!”
The blonde-haired German model grinned triumphantly, holding both hands in the air. Beside her, Natasha looked on dejectedly. She’d have to wait in her lingerie until after the next commercial break
Hannah smiled into the camera. “Well, that’s an interesting result,” she said, as she glanced at the results sheet. “Match Twenty-six was also closely-run. But with fifty-one percent, the winner going into Round Two is… Carla Brown!”
The busty brunette gave a quiet cheer as this was announced. She then quickly gave her opponent, the blonde New Zealander Jessica Nutley, a bashful smile of encouragement after mouthing “sorry” following her brief cheer of triumph.
Hannah smirked at the reaction of the two women. “I’m really quite sorry to see you drop out of the competition at this stage Jessica,” she said. “But we have a rather stylish bikini for you to change into.” Hannah held out a two-piece swimsuit in the colours of the New Zealand flag.
Jessica took the skimpy-looking garment from Hannah and walked off-stage to a narrow changing cubicle. While she did so, Carla’s arms didn’t stop punching the air.
Kirsty laughed at Carla’s actions. “Well, I can’t blame you there, Carla,” she chuckled. “Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, Match Twenty-seven, this was Dubliner Georgia Salpa versus the model from Ostfildern Alena Gerber. The winner of this match going through to Round Two, with fifty-three percent of the vote, is… Georgia Salpa!”
The dark-haired Greek-Irish glamour model shrieked as she punched the air. Her mouth was curved upwards in a near-face-splitting grin. Looking at the German blonde beside her, she gave an attempt at an apologetic shrug, but anyone watching could tell that Georgia was more then pleased to be going through to the next round of the competition.
Kirsty smirked at her response. “Well, I can tell Georgia’s happy with that result,” she said. “Alena, I’m afraid we’re saying goodbye to you already in this competition. But, we do have this rather flattering bikini in your national colours for you to wear. Why don’t you go change?” With these words, Kirsty held out a black, red and yellow striped thong bikini that barely covered the essentials.
Alena accepted the German flag bikini from Kirsty and walked off-stage in the same way as Jessica Nutley. Georgia Salpa could be seen sitting on her stool with a wide grin on her face.
Hannah chuckled. “But, what’s the result of Match Twenty-eight between Rose McIver and Louise Glover?” she asked rhetorically. “The answer is that, with fifty-five percent of the vote, Louise Glover is going through to Round Two and Rose McIver is getting a lot messier!”
The light brown-haired glamour model grinned in delight at that result, she was quite happy to be going through to the next round to earn m ore money for charity. On the other hand, the blonde actress wore a very disappointed frown.
Hannah smiled at the upset New Zealander. “Well, Rose, a somewhat shocking result there,” she teased, earning herself some jeering from the audience. “I’m sorry to say the ‘Power did not protect you’ during the voting…”
Rose laughed at this. “Okay, Hannah, that’s just corny!” she said, interrupting the glamour model presenter.
Hannah chuckled. “Yeah, I guess I did butcher the quote from the original series, but at least I got a laugh out of you,” she pointed out. “Now, I’m afraid you’re out of the competition. Which means you’re going to have to swap that lovely dress, for yet another New Zealand flag bikini like the one I gave Jessica a few minutes ago.” With these words, Hannah held out another skimpy bikini.
Rose took the bikini from Hannah and walked back-stage with her head down. Why did I decide to do this? she wondered.
Watching Rose walk off the stage to change, Kirsty felt a little sorry for the Auckland-born actress. Then, she looked at the next pair of contestants. “Well, in tonight’s clash of the glamour models I can reveal that the victor going through to Round Two is Danielle Lloyd! Well done, girl!”
“Yesss!” the minidress-clad Danielle yelled with joy. She was glad that she wasn’t out of the running just yet!
Kirsty turned to Daisy, who looked like she was shell-shocked. “Sorry to lose you so early, Daisy,” she commiserated. “However, we won’t be handing you a Union Jack swimsuit. Why? You may ask. Well, I’m afraid that with a twenty point losing margin, you’ve lost to Danielle by the widest margin of any of our eight losers this episode.”
Daisy’s face fell even further. Oh, shit! Could this be any worse? I know I’ve posed topless before but topless and gunged?! Gimme a break! “I know what you’re going to say next,” she groaned.
“What?!” laughed Kirsty. “That you’re going to be facing the pie barrage in just you knickers? Well, you’re right! Time to strip, Daisy!” Almost cruel gloating filled Kirsty’s voice as she said this.
With a pout, Daisy stood and stepped away from the bar-stool she’d been sitting on. Reaching the middle of the stage she shrugged her blazer from her shoulders and let it slide to the floor. She then slid the straps of her top from her shoulders before peeling the tank top off over her head, revealing the black lace-trimmed bra she had worn underneath. Daisy then slipped her hands down to the waistband of her skirt and unfastened the shiny leather skirt, which almost instantly fell down around her ankles, revealing the high-waisted black lace knickers she wore underneath.
Daisy straightened up, showing off her slender, yet full-busted figure. Reaching behind her back, she undid the clasp of her bra with a snap of her fingers. Slipping the straps from over her shoulders, she flung her bra to the side, revealing the light pink nipples of her 32C breasts to the view of the cameras and studio audience. As she posed with her left hand on her hip, a chorus of wolf-whistles was heard from the audience. Daisy walked back to her seat with cheers, jeers and whistles ringing in her ears.
Hannah smiled at the now nearly naked glamour model. “Well, I think you’ve got the crowd on your side, Daisy!” she said with a grin. “But, we’d better move on. It’s the thirtieth match in the competition, Keeley Hazell versus Gemma Atkinson, and, with fifty-four percent of the vote, the girl going through to the next round is… Keeley Hazell!”
The blonde-haired Keeley let a whoop of joy. Her grin nearly split her face. Gemma though, looked shocked for a moment. She groaned, rubbing a hand down her face, and then flashed the audience a bashful smile.
Hannah smiled at the two former glamour models. “Well done, Keeley, you’re through to Round Two,” she said. “Gemma, I’m afraid you’re looking at a Pie Barrage, how d’you feel about that?”
Gemma gave a short laugh. “Hannah, I wouldn’t have come on the show if I wasn’t relatively okay with the idea of ending up messy,” she admitted. “Although, that was in theory. Now that it’s actually happening? Well, I’m not so sure anymore!”
Hannah laughed. “Well, Gemma, it’s getting worse,” she snarked. “While all of our eliminated contestants in the last episode were in their underwear, this time round we put it to the public’s vote. You’ve probably guessed it, but they’ve voted for you to face the pie barrage in your underwear. So, I think you need to lose that lovely red minidress.”
Gemma sighed. “I thought you were going to say that,” she said as she stood up from the stool she’d been sitting on and sashayed to the centre of the stage, undoing the zipper at the back of the dress as she went. Reaching the middle of the stage, she slipped her arms from the three-inch wide shoulder straps. With a cheeky smile to the camera, she shimmied out of the figure-hugging dress. Then, she stood up with her hands on her hips, letting both studio and at-home audiences see her in a white lace bra with red straps over her shoulders and matching white lace knickers with a red bow in the middle of the front above her crotch.
Cheers and whistles filled the studio. With a wide smile to the audience, Gemma walked back to her seat, her hips swaying and showing off her arse in her skimpy knickers. She sat down and blew a kiss to the camera.
Kirsty grinned. “Looking good, Gemma!” she joked. “Next up, we have reached the penultimate match of Round One, number thirty-one. Canadian actress Theresa Longo took on British model and singer-songwriter Rachel Stevens. I can reveal that, with fifty-two percent of the vote, Rachel Stevens is going through to the Round Two.
The blonde-haired singer slumped in her chair. From the look on her face, she almost looked put-out that she wasn’t knocked out in the first round. Theresa on the other hand looked shocked to be out already, as she swept a lock of blonde hair back behind her ear with her left hand.
Kirsty gave the Canadian actress an encouraging smile. “Hard luck, Theresa,” she said. “You very nearly got through to the next round. But, I’m afraid you didn’t. So, we’ve got a very nice bikini for you to change into.” Kirsty handed Theresa two red and white pieces of lycra.
Theresa took the bikini with a smile before walking back-stage into a changing cubicle. Letting out a sigh, she pulled her metallic-coloured minidress over her head and dropped it in the corner of the small room. She then unfastened her lacy black bra and let it fall to the floor, before sliding her matching bikini knickers down her legs. Then, Theresa pulled the red thong bikini bottoms up over her legs until it was snug against her crotch and backside. After this, she fastened the red and white triangular-cupped top over her chest, so that the red maple leaves on each cup were positioned over her nipples.
Back on the studio stage, Hannah grinned as she looked into the camera. “Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached the last match of round one,” she paused, as a fake disappointed “awww” went up from the audience. “But, who, out of actress Eva Green and former glamour model, now TV actress, Gemma Merna, is going through to the next round and who dons one of our national swimsuits to get mercilessly pied?
“Hmmm, very interesting, with the tightest score so far in the competition of only fifty-point-two-five percent, the lady going through to Round Two is… Gemma Merna!”
“Yesss!” yelled the busty platinum blonde in delight. Well, this means more cash for charity, she thought, blissfully forgetting about the extra mess coming in subsequent rounds of the competition.
Eva, however, had turned a greyish-white to the point where one of the production crew was heard to mutter: “Is she going to be sick?”
Hannah smiled warmly at the French actress. “Dear me, Eva, it’s not that bad!” she said. “But, I’m sorry to say you’ll have to lose that wonderful turquoise dress in favour of a rather stylish one-piece swimsuit in the colours of the French tri-colour.” As she said this, Hannah held out the bodysuit in question.
Eva took the swimsuit from Hannah and walked off-stage. Hannah and Kirsty, smiling, watched her walk out of view with her head down. Kirsty grinned at the last contestant to get through to the next round. “Well, congratulations are in order, Gemma, you’re through to the next round unlike a grand total of thirty-two lovely ladies who are not,” teased Kirsty. “Now, we’re out of time for this part of tonight’s episode. Join us after the break when our unlucky eight will face the pie barrage. Don’t go away!”
With these words, the studio lights dimmed amid the audience’s applause and the show’s theme song played over the sound system. It would be a few minutes before the show would come back from the ad break.
About five minutes later, the studio lights came back on, revealing Kirsty and Hannah in the customary presenters position in centre-stage with the eight familiar raised platforms arranged four to each side. Kirsty waited for the applause and cheers from the audience to die down. “Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen,” she began. “It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, as we are about to cover Natasha Poly, Jessica Nutley, Alena Gerber, Rose McIver, Daisy Lowe, Gemma Atkinson, Theresa Longo and Eva Green in a couple inches-worth of slop from our freshly-enhanced pie barrage… Oh, good grief! The producer has just told me that due to an even shortage of both sweet and savoury pies, they’ve had to use cakes to round out the ammunition for our highly-effective pie cannons.”
Hannah shuddered. “Cakes?! What’ll they think of next!” She exclaimed. “Anyway, enough humming and hawing, it’s time for some mess. Please welcome back onto the stage Natasha, Jessica, Alena, rose, Daisy, Gemma, Theresa and Eva, who, just between you and me, looks like she’s living up to her surname if the colour of her face is anything to go by.”
Kirsty’s right hand came up and clipped Hannah on the back of the head. “Hannah! That was uncalled for!” she berated her co-presenter, who had the good sense to blush in response. As Kirsty had said this, the eight contestants freshly-eliminated from the competition had walked on-stage and climbed onto the raised platforms. Kirsty smiled at each in turn. “As we have done before, we will proceed in match order. So, just to remind everyone, this means we start with our Slavic beauty Natasha and finish with the beautiful French flower Eva Green.”
Hannah glanced down the line-up. “Well, Natasha, I must say you look amazing.”
“Thank you,” murmured the Russian model. She was visibly shaking with nerves, as she subconsciously curled up her toes at the thought of the oncoming waves of slop.
Hannah flashed Natasha a nasty-looking grin. “Well, you may look amazing now but you won’t in about five seconds. Apparently, we’re using some pies from your homeland. Audience, with me if you please… Five…”
The countdown echoing in her ears, Natasha shook her head in disbelief as she looked into the foot-wide maw of one of the air cannons, knowing that in seconds something incredibly sloppy was going to come out of it. As, the studio-filling countdown reached “one”, the first pie erupted from that very cannon and splattered over her face leaving behind a coating of buttery cabbage and pastry. Then, a pair of apple pies smashed into her red bra-encased tits covering them with sugary fruit. Before Natasha could react, a pair of Coulibiacs smacked into her backside, the pastry crumbling on impact to give her buttocks a thick coating of creamy fish, rice and onion. Another, filled with pieces of beef, diced onion and chopped up hard-boiled eggs, splattered into her crotch covering her lower abdomen in egg, meat, onion and gravy. Other pies sandwiched her head, leaving a red mass of cherries and pastry sticking to her long blonde. Another fish pie crashed into her chest, adding a creamy fishiness to the fruitiness that already coated her breasts and shoulders. This continued, until the Russian supermodel was covered with a sticky, sugary, creamy, fishy and meaty layer of thick pie fillings. Natasha wrinkled up her nose as the pungent smell of the savoury food wafted over her.
Kirsty Gallacher snorted when she saw the look on the Russian’s face. “Well, I can only guess as to how that smells. Anyway, Jessica Nutley, get ready to be blinded by pies in five…”
Another countdown began, and Jessica was soon plastered with a multicoloured array of sweet and savoury slop. Her blonde hair, once in a stylish “up-do” was now undone from the hair-tie and hung in matted disarray down her back. As the camera panned down her body, a chunk of beef or lamb rolled down from shoulder and fell to the floor from her right breast while cream, custard, and sticky chunks of fruit dripped from her extremities.
Hannah smirked at the sight of the two slop-covered celebrities. “Ugh!” she shuddered. “Could they be any messier? Anyway, moving on, we have Alena Gerber. Feeling alright, Alena?”
The leggy blonde German giggled. “I am about as good as I can be, Hannah,” she laughed. “After all, I am staring into giant air cannons zat are going to zrow a lot of vet and sloppy pies at me.”
“You’d better believe it!” Hannah laughed, as she cued the audience to start counting down. “Because that’s exactly what’s coming!”
Just as Hannah stopped talking, a thick apple pie flew through the air and struck Alena in the face, coating her face in sticky apple chunks and runny, sticky, sugary syrup. Then two thick creamy Black Forest cakes smashed into her chest; sponge, cherries, chocolate and cream engulfing her bikini top-covered breasts. Cherries, bits of chocolate and globs of cream dripped from her breasts.
Seconds later, Alena felt a pair of blackberry pies smash against her arse. Autumn fruits and crushed lumps of pastry splashed over her buttocks, up her back and down her legs to the back of her knees. Then, yet another Black Forest cake slammed into her crotch, flooding her bikini bottoms with cream and covering her stomach and down her thighs with cream, chocolate and cake sponge. All of a sudden, two cream and custard pies sandwiched her head, burying her long blonde hair under white and yellow slop. A third custard pie hit the back of her head, completing the obliteration of what remained of her hairstyle. A cherry pie landing in her cleavage splashed mushy red fruit cross her boobs. More pies and cakes continued to fly, until she was just a laughing blob of various types of gloop and slop.
After spending a few seconds admiring what the various pies and cakes had done to the statuesque German model, Kirsty led the audience in counting down to another volley which reduced the bikini-clad Rose McIver to a laughing pile of goo. She’d been covered in custard pies, coffee cakes, chocolate tarts, lemon meringue pies, various fruit pies and at least one multi-layered chocolate fudge cake. The collection of baked goods had buried her under white, yellow and brown slop.
Hannah laughed at the state of the New Zealander. “God, is she caked in muck!” she joked, earning a groan from the audience. “Okay, okay, I guess that was a bad pun. Anyway, next up we have Daisy in just her knickers. Take it away, audience!”
With a shout of “Five!”, the audience’s countdown began to the dismay of the now cringing Daisy. Oh, this is crazy! I don’t think I like it, anymore! she thought. She vaguely heard the audience reach one on the countdown and distantly heard the rush of air before a chocolate ganache pie smacked into her face, coating her forehead, cheeks and fringe in thick brown cream. An instant later, a pair of chocolate fudge cakes splattered across her bare breasts, coating them in chocolatey fudge and bits of sponge. Almost simultaneously, two chicken and mushroom pies were smashed into her buttocks, throwing bits of chicken and vegetables up her back and down her legs. A lamb shank pie exploded against her crotch, splashing bite-sized pieces of lamb, gravy and pastry up over her stomach and down her thighs whilst soaking her knickers. Two lemon meringue pies engulfed her hair in gooey lemon curd and fluffy white meringue and covering her face in the same. More pies followed, before a black forest cake exploding in her face and a creamy custard pie landing on both boobs completed the coverage of nearly every inch of her upper body under dessert pies, meat pies and various cakes. Daisy was left as walking pile of gunk.
Kirsty gazed at the remaining three losers. “Well, ladies, it seems your time being clean is coming to an end,” she mocked them. “Gemma Atkinson, your time is up in about five seconds. Audience?”
The countdown by the audience began. Gemma cringed in anticipation of what was coming. She definitely did not like the idea of being turned into the walking remains of a Tudor banquet. But, she did not have long to think about this, as an apple pie was soon fired into her face. Sugary fruit stuck to her face along with bits of the pastry crust while most of the pastry dropped down onto her chest. After this, two steak and kidney pies smashed against her chest, covering her breasts and shoulders with meat, onions and lashings of gravy, while the pastry disintegrated.
Almost instantly, a pair of chocolate cakes hit her backside with an audible thump sound as the heavy sponge and icing splattered over her arse cheeks, giving a thick brown coating to her pale skin. Another chocolate cake disintegrated when it impacted in her crotch, coating her silk-covered privates, stomach and thighs in brown mess, obscuring her knickers. Suddenly, two fish pies sandwiched her head, pieces of ‘gone off’ fish and vegetables spattering over the sides of her head. Gemma gagged from the smell, forcing herself not to throw up. The onslaught continued, finally finishing, twenty-two pies and cakes later, with two double depth black forest cakes that slathered her boobs with a mess of creamy chocolate and cherries.
Hannah looked at what had happened to Gemma and laughed. “Well, we’ve seen six lovely ladies get smothered in various pies and cakes and we have only two left,” she reminded the audience, who were almost in a frenzy having seen all the beautiful women getting reduced to unrecognisable sloppy blobs. “Now, it’s time to turn Canadian actress Theresa Longo into a pile of muck. If you could…” She was interrupted by a cry of “Five!” from the audience, however with the countdown continuing after. The subsequent barrage of sweet and savoury pies and cakes, which began and ended with a banoffee pie to the face and ended with two steak and kidney pies to the arse and a chocolate fudge cake to the crotch, reduced the slender blonde Canadian to a pile of unrecognisable goo.
Kirsty couldn’t help grinning at the gunge-covered actresses and models. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached the last gungee of Round One,” she announced, drawing faked “aawww”s from the audience. “Eva Green, I hate saying this, actually I don’t, but, you’re next…”
Again, the presenter was interrupted by a pre-emptive countdown by the audience. Shortly, the pies and cakes began to fly. Eva quickly became slathered with cream, chocolate, custard, fruit, sponge, icing, meat, vegetables, fish and gravy. The raven-haired French actress was soon buried under a multi-coloured mass of pie fillings and cake.
Kirsty looked over the eight slop-covered celebrities. “Well, after that, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally reached the end of Round One,” she announced to a round of applause from the audience, punctuated by intermittent whistles. “Now, it’s time to reveal the matches for Round Two. First up, we have Karen Gillan taking on Emma Glover.” A photo of the two celebrities as they’d appeared this round was flashed up on a screen with a large red V interposed between the photographs.
Hannah cut in at this point. “The second Round Two match is Peta Todd versus Kelly Brook.”
Kirsty took over once again. “Match three of Round Two is Selena Gomez going up against Lucy Pinder.”
“Round Two’s fourth match is Kate Upton taking on Imogen Thomas,” said Hannah.
“And the fifth match is Karlie Kloss versus Ariana Grande,” interjected Kirsty.
“Then, for the sixth match of Round Two, we have Kate Beckinsale versus Emma Watson,” announced Hannah.
Kirsty grinned. “Then, for the seventh match of Round Two, we’ll see Emma Stone take on Margot Robbie.”
“Round Two’s eighth match is Candice Swanepoel versus Taylor Swift. Will that friendship stay intact?” said Hannah.
“Round Two, Match Nine is Danielle Sharp against Elsa Hosk,” revealed Kirsty.
Hannah smiled into the camera. “Next up, we have the tenth match of Round Two, Jasmine Tookes versus Adriana Lima,” she said.
Kirsty continued. “Round Two’s Eleventh Match sees Martha Hunt take on Sara Sampaio.”
“Next up, we have Blanca Padilla versus Gizele Oliveira,” announced Hannah.
“Then, we have Lena Gercke taking on Carla Brown,” interjected a smiling Kirsty.
“Followed, in Match Fourteen of Round Two, by Georgia Salpa versus Louise Glover,” said Hannah, smiling broadly.
“Next, we have Danielle Lloyd taking on Keeley Hazell,” revealed Kirsty.
“And, finally, in Match Sixteen of Round Two, we’ll see who gets turned into a pile of gunk between Rachel Stevens and Gemma Merna,” said Hannah, as her smile slipped. “Phew, I feel like I ran a marathon announcing all those. Now I can see why you got all eight of us to help you out to announce the Round One contestants back in Episode One, Kirsty.”
Kirsty chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t think just two people would have been able to manage that number of match announcements,” she said with a laugh. “Now, the phone lines have opened with the same numbers as before. But, just in case you forgot, they’ll appear on-screen after the show. Who will go through to the third round and who gets the slop will be decided by the votes of you at home. Speaking of slop, Hannah, what is the forfeit that those eliminated in Round Two will face?”
The camera cut to show a lingerie-clad Hannah standing in a red painted circle with six air cannons around it.
She was wearing a black lace bra and matching knickers Beside each cannon, however, were two nozzles which looked like they’d been taken from super-sized 1940s-era fire hoses. “Well, Kirsty, as well as a brief, six pie volley from our wonderful Pie Barrage air cannons,” Hannah announced. “The Round Two losers will find themselves in a slime fountain.” Hannah stiffened up, as two of the nozzles activated. One sent a stream of lumpy green slime four inches in diameter splashing forcefully into her face, rocking her head back slightly. The second sent a stream arcing into the air to splatter down on the top of her head, turning her blonde hair green. When the nozzles stopped spraying, Hannah’s head was covered in green gunk and her shoulders and chest were splattered with the sticky green liquid.
Hannah wiped her eyes. “And just in case anyone at home think they might be getting off lightly with this, I’ll just remind you that what you saw hit me there was only a sixth of what faces the ladies that will be eliminated in Round Two.”
Kirsty grinned into the nearest camera. “We’ve just seen Natasha Poly, Jessica Nutley, Alena Gerber, Rose McIver, Daisy Lowe, Gemma Atkinson, Theresa Longo and Eva Green bid us a messy farewell,” she announced. “That brings us to the end of Round One. Join myself and Amy Diamond in a few days as we reveal the result of our first eight Round Two matches. So, from a rather slimy Hannah Martin and me, Kirsty Gallacher, we hope to see you then. Good Night!”
Author’s note: Well, that’s the end of the marathon (or that’s how it felt at times) that was Round One. I hope you enjoyed it. Anyway, please, let me know what you think, any feedback is welcome.
On a side note, although somewhat related. I have to say a big thanks to Briff1es who’s been there to bounce ideas off almost as soon as I’d posted Episode 1. I have to say this might have stalled without him.
OK, here’s something I noticed after I wrote Episode One. The episodes I’ve got planned for the last four rounds (Round Three, Quarter Finals, Semi Finals and Finals) were/are looking a little bare of characters/gungees. So, I’m going to open this up. There are a total of nine open ‘Special Guest’ slots (I’ve already assigned two to ladies Briff1es suggested). So, is there celebrity I had to gloss over in Round One due to writing constraints that you’d like to have seen more of or is there someone you’d have liked to have seen in the story who wasn’t in my line-up. I’d be interested in finding out, so, please, let me know. Drop me a message on my umd.net profile (glooprr1) with who you’d like to see come on as a ‘guest’.
Once again, thank you for all the encouraging comments on the previous episodes/stories I posted.