As a bit of a break from doing stories about female music stars getting messy due to how a vote went, here’s a story about female music stars getting messy due to how a vote goes. I suppose this could be a preview of what’s in store for the prediction winner! By the way, those disclaimers everyone posts? You technically don’t need them!
“It’s time for another Suzi’s Slop Drop. Here to solve some celebrity beef is your host, the Marchioness of Mess, Suzanna Harrison!”
As she so often does, Suzi walks onto the Slop Drop set to plenty of whooping and cheering and makes her way to the fancy black swivel chair at the centre of the grungy industrial-aesthetic stage. “We’ve got a bit of an interesting predicament tonight, ladies and gentlemen,” she says, crossing one leg over the other. As usual, she’s barefoot, with her legs clad in some rather tight black leather trousers, and her upper body in an orange vest top. Her make-up is suitably minimalist – not that it stops her wide green eyes from almost shimmering. “We’ve seen rivalry after rivalry between members of two different bands but tonight, we’re going slightly further. We’ve got two members of bands representing entire genres. Let’s meet the first contestant.”
A booming, dramatic voice reverberates through the room as a rather well-toned woman walks onto the stage. Her purple hair is fairly straight and reaches down to her shoulders. Some might have considered her outfit to be rather brave for the kind of show they were on – a rather tight black mini-dress that doesn’t leave very much of her slender body to the imagination. “From Clean Bandit, cellist Grace Chatto.”
Grace strides over to the stage left chair with confidence, her high heels clicking on the studio floor quietly. She shakes hands with Suzi and exchanges a friendly kiss on the cheek with the presenter, before sitting down. “Welcome to the Slop Drop, Grace. Now, this is a slightly unusual episode for us since unlike most episodes, you’ve actually got nothing against your opponent, have you?”
“I haven’t,” says Grace, crossing one leg over the other. “I wanted to settle a bet with some people on a music forum about what kind of music mixes better with classical – pop, like we make in Clean Bandit; or heavy metal.”
“You realise that if you lose you’ll have to just call yourself ‘Bandit’, right? Because you won’t be particularly clean!” Suzi giggles.
Grace scoffs at Suzi’s attempt at the joke. “Hah! I’m pretty confident that’s not going to happen though!”
“I figured since you came to my show dressed like that! Why’s that then?” Suzi asks, raising an eyebrow.
The purple-haired musician ponders for an answer for a moment, her fingertips gently drumming on her seat’s armrest. “Well, we’re a pretty unique band. Nobody really mixes pop and classical like us, and we keep on releasing hit after hit. It just works, and as much as I don’t want to blow my own trumpet–”
“But you’re a cello player, not a trumpeter,” Suzi interrupts.
Grace blushes as she tries to hold back a somewhat embarrassed giggle. “Point is, I don’t want to seem big-headed about it, but we’re clearly doing something right since we keep having hits.”
“Well, one could argue that there’s more too good music than commercial success…”
“Oh yeah, I get that, but music is supposed to be something for everyone to love, and a lot of people love our music!” the cellist smiles.
Suzi smirks and licks her lips. “I’m very curious to see who’s going to make the case for metal and how they can go about it. Disembodied Voice of Doom, who is it?”
A woman with long, wavy orange hair walks out, dressed in a white vest top and black jeans, her feet in a pair of ankle boots. Compared to Grace, it’s a more modest look, but the woman has still made the effort to make her great ginger mane shine beneath the studio lights and wear just enough makeup to make her eyes and lips really pop. “From Epica, singer Simone Simons,” booms the doomy voice.
Simone walks over to Suzi rather calmly, exchanging the same quick handshake and kiss that Grace had. It felt a bit more natural coming from the continental, Suzi thought, and Simone stepped casually over to the stage right seat, sitting down. “Simone, welcome to the Slop Drop. This is the first time you and Grace have met, and it’s to try and gunge you because she thinks her music is better than yours. Not the best first impression, is it?” Suzi smirks.
Simone chuckles a little. “I’ve had better, I’ll say that much!”
“Still, she’s made a pretty compelling case about why pop mixes better with classical music than metal. What do you have to say to that?” Suzi asks.
“Well here’s the thing. I have nothing against Grace or Clean Bandit or anything, but I’m not sure it is such a good case,” says the Dutch redhead, trying not to sound too horrible or dismissive. “Nobody else does it, or at least not many people do it and even fewer are known for it because it’s not a natural fit. I’m not saying we’re the same as any other band, but lots of bands do draw from both classical and metal because they go together so well.”
Suzi shrugs her shoulders. “Sure. You’ve got Evanescence, We Are the Fallen, Nightwish, even The Agonist a bit to name just a few I know…” she says, recalling previous guests. “But apart from one of those that one time back in the early 2000s, none of them have ever really been as popular as Clean Bandit is now and has been for a few years.” Grace nods in agreement.
“I take Grace’s point about popularity, but I do wonder how dedicated those fans are given that we’re talking about a pop band. Epica isn’t trying to be number one in the charts in the same way. I mean it might be cool if it happened, but we’re making music for a smaller, more dedicated fan base,” Simone explains.
Suzi shakes her head. “You’re sounding less like a metalhead and more like a hipster!”
“It’s not that, it’s just the difference between liking a song because it’s catchy and everyone else likes it or loving a song because it really makes you really feel something or it gets a message across. Classical music does that, I think, and we try and tap into that, and so do so many other bands.”
“Well, that’s certainly a pretty definitive take on it too, but I’m just here to dish out the mess to whoever the audience didn’t think made their case as well as the other. I think since music’s at the heart of this, we should look at a bit of each band’s music,” Suzi declares as the camera centres back on her, presiding over the show in her faux-leather throne. “First off, Grace. Which Clean Bandit song are you going to use to make your case?”
Grace looks at the camera. “Here’s a song we did with Demi Lovato called Solo!” The first fifty seconds or so of the video play, with reactions from Simone, Grace and Suzi in the corner. Grace is smiling rather proudly, while Simone and Suzi listen intently. Simone’s a little bit unsure what to make of some of the chopped up vocal samples in the intro and the “whoop whoop whoop” in the chorus, while Suzi is pretty non-plussed by the whole thing. The video cuts back to the studio with the words ‘I do it solo’.
“I feel like you have something to say about that, Simmy!” Suzi grins.
“Did you just call me ‘Simmy’?” Simone says, trying to hold back her laughter. “But yeah, it feels a bit disjointed to me. Like, you’ve got these beautiful guitar and string arrangements in there with the pitch shifting. And was it just me or was the song about masturbation? Like, I don’t quite get how it all goes together.”
Suzi shrugs her shoulders. “I’d say it was creatively arranged if anything! What do you say, Grace?”
“Well, Simone’s right about what it’s about,” Grace blushes, having thought wrongly that it was subtle enough to not be picked up on. After all, the Slop Drop was supposed to be a pre-watershed show, yet the song got played nevertheless. “But erm… it’s supposed to be a relatable song, and if people hear the classical bits and discover classical music that way, it’s no bad thing, right?” she says, trying to put on a brave smile.
“If you say so!” Suzi then turns to Simone. “So Sim, which are you going to present for us?”
Simone turns to face the camera. “Edge of the Blade,” she says as the video plays. Being a longer song with more of a build, more of it gets to play but it still stops after the first chorus. As before, the three women are seen reacting, with Grace a bit surprised by just how loud and bombastic the song is. It’s not entirely to Suzi’s taste either (certainly no more than Solo was), but Simone seems happy enough with the song, though she does blush a little at the sight of herself performing the song. ‘They are disarranging the surface on which we build our own lie,’ croons the video-Simone as the show cuts back to the studio.
“You look a bit stunned, Grace!” Suzi chuckles.
The purple-haired cellist nods. “Yeah, it’s intense! That’s some pretty gnarly guitar in there, and was there a guy bellowing at one point? I couldn’t even tell what it’s meant to be about either!”
“Yours is clearly about jilling off, so is a bit of subtlety such a bad thing?” asks the presenter.
“There’s nothing subtle about that!” Grace protests. “It’s so overblown and dramatic!”
Suzi shrugs her shoulders. “Not sure about that, but it was definitely creatively arranged.”
Simone chuckles a little at Suzi and Grace’s comments. “We’re called Epica. What did you expect?” She then looks to Grace specifically. “Since you asked though, the song is about self-acceptance and not worrying about unimportant things, and how being a good person is more important than trying to be perfect.”
“Well, there you have it!” says Suzi. “Both of our musicians have made their case, but it’s you the public who will be voting on who’s right. Is it Grace, who by bringing classically-flavoured pop to the top of the charts is making classical music accessible to everyone?” Grace puts her thumbs up while Simone pouts and shakes her head. “Or,” continues Suzi, “is it Simone, who mixes metal and classical music to make something that’s… well… epic-er than what Grace does?” Grace frowns and makes an X-shape with her fingers while Simone nods and raises a horns gesture. “All the voting details are on-screen now, and you can go to our website for the full terms and conditions, and to hear Solo and Edge of the Blade in full. See you in part 2!”
I never thought I’d write a story with a poll I’m so conflicted on!