The characters in the story are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
The scene opens with an overhead camera zoomed in on the macabre grinning head of the fish skeleton, which has been drawn in white foam on the lumpy surface of the ocean-blue sludge. The camera zooms out, rotating as it goes, so that the fish spins on the viewers’ screens. When the spinning stops, the camera has zoomed out far enough to take in a plan view of the giant catapult at one end of the pool, the winner’s throne at its side, and four people standing at its other end. One of those people, dressed in a blue two-piece, is sticking a long pole into the mire.
Clara: You know what, Nat? It’s definitely got stodgier since the start of the show!
Natalie: [pulling a disgusted face] Can you stop stirring it up, Clara? You’re making the smell worse!
Clara: You think it smells bad now? Thank how it’ll be when one of these two smashes through the crust!
Clara pulls out the pole, feigning great effort as if the sludge is trying to suck the pole from her. The end of the pole is coated in blue, with numerous large, mishapen lumps clinging to it.
Natalie: Now that is rank! Welcome back, everybody, to Grudge-2-Sludge, where Sheffield supermarket worker Simon Askew is going head to head with his duty manager Sarah Boswell!
Clara: Simon thinks that Sarah is too strict and overbearing; Sarah thinks Simon is slapdash and takes liberties. It’s a grudge that needs to be settled, and by the end of tonight’s show, one of them will get the chance to sling their workplace nemesis into this – [proudly gestures] our tank of sludge – for the viewing pleasure not only of our studio audience, but of all their colleagues and no doubt a few of their customers too!
Natalie: Oh yes! The stakes are sky-high, and so far Sarah is bossing it over Simon, with 27 points against his 22! But everything could change as the final round is still to come, as well as the votes from our studio audience!
Clara: At the beginning of the show we asked our audience members to give their backing to either Simon or Sarah by means of electronic vote. Our contestants have been itching to find out how people voted; let’s put them out of – or perhaps into – their misery!
The ambient lighting drops and each individual audience seat lights up, either red or blue, to show the preference of its occupant. The red seats outnumber the blue seats by about three to one. Simon jumps in the air and pumps his fist, while Sarah puffs through her cheeks.
Natalie: Phoww! It’s ‘up the workers’ all the way with this lot!
Clara: Indeed it is! I can reveal that the exact split was 77% in favour of Simon, while 23% backed Sarah. That means, after dividing by five and rounding, that Simon can add 15 points to his tally, while Sarah picks up just 5!
Natalie: And that means that the lead has switched again; Sarah is now lagging on 32 points, while Simon has the lead with 37!
Simon cheers louder, while Sarah puts one hand on her hip and rolls her eyes.
Clara: Oh dear! It seems our studio audience is as unpopular with Sarah as she is with them! Well Sarah, not only is Simon ahead of you but, as vote winner, he also has the tiebreaker advantage, so if the game ends on equal scores, it’s you who’ll be on the end of that catapult!
Natalie: But don’t despair, because you have the third round in which to turn the tables, and you won’t be facing it alone. Because it’s time for that feature of the show called Find A Friend!
Clara: We are going to select, entirely at random, one audience member who voted for Simon and one who voted for Sarah, and those people will be called upon to help their respective players in the final round!
The audience responds with a collective murmur of apprehensive excitement.
Natalie: Computer, make your choice!
Futuristic music plays, as the individual seat lights begin to switch off – first in blocks, then one by one as the occupants look about themselves nervously.
The music ends with a loud chime, and at this point only one light of each colour remains on. In the red-lit seat, a girl with straight jet-black hair raises her arms and whoops. In the seat illuminated in blue, a girl with wavy light-brown hair reacts to her selection a little less keenly, putting a hand to her face as she smiles wryly.
Natalie: Okay, there’s the selection. Out of your seats and down to the stage, both of you!
The two young women jostle their way out of the rows in which they were sitting, jog down the aisle, and are guided by stage-hands up a set of steps onto the stage. The girl with black hair (which is also dyed bright red at the end) is punkish in her style, short with a large bust and wide hips. The wavy-haired girl is taller, slimmer, and more studious and serious in her style.
Natalie: [to the black-haired girl] Welcome, welcome! Can you tell me your name, please?
Black-haired girl: Kel!
Natalie: Nice to meet you, Kel! Why did you vote in support of Simon?
Kel: Because who likes a grouchy boss? Especially one that bans staff parties!?
Natalie: Not many, it would seem! Kel, this is your chance to stick it to the boss, so get to know Simon.
Clara: [to the wavy-haired girl] And what’s your name?
Wavy-haired girl: Irene.
Clara: Welcome to the show, Irene. You were one of the minority who got behind Sarah; why, exactly?
Irene: Because managers are workers too. They work very hard and have to carry the can when something goes wrong, so I think Sarah should be cut some slack.
Clara: Well, Irene, if ever Sarah needed some slack cut, it’s right now, so do your best for her!
Natalie: Yes, the two of you are going to team up with your respective contestants in their final bid to win the grudge and stay out of that fishy sludge! We’re confident you’ll try your hardest, but for some extra incentive, whichever of you assists your contestant to the bigger score in Round Three – even if they don’t win the match overall – will get a £250 cash prize!
The audience woos.
Clara: But of course we also have a penalty lined up for whichever of you does worse!
The two girls pull nervous faces.
Natalie: So off the four of you go to get changed – as we head to the third and final round!
ROUND 3: Supermarket Swipe
Some swishy titles play, after which we find ourselves in a set laid out like a grocery store. The camera glides parallel to a tall shelf stack, which is loaded with various tins, packets and boxes (though everything is actually soft plastic and the shelves themselves are heavily padded), and then swings around to reveal a large open floorspace, onto which Natalie and Clara stroll.
Natalie: Hello there, and welcome to the third and final round in tonight’s contest. It’s called Supermarket Swipe!
Clara: We couldn’t pass up the opportunity to subject Simon and Sarah to a grocery-themed game! But while their store in Sheffield is quite upmarket, here at Grudgemart we cut everything to the bone. Loaves of bread puffed up with air, watered-down orange juice, dubious employment practices – we’re relentless in our quest to shave a few more pence off your weekly shop!
Natalie: But for some people, our bargains are still not good enough, and the only price they’ll settle for is free. Take a look at this shifty pair, for instance.
The camera pans around further, to reveal Simon and Sarah standing at the opposite end of the set, spaced a few metres apart. They are dressed in black and white striped jerseys and black trousers.
Clara: Mmm, not the most inconspicuous shoplifters, are they? Simon and Sarah are out on the rob, and although we don’t condone such activities in real life, it is their task in this game to pilfer as much stock as possible!
Natalie: Yes, and the stock is all here for the taking! [Goes over to the stack of shelves] On the bottom shelf here we have Grudgemart own-brand beans. They’re worth one point a tin. On the middle shelf we have Mutt Mix dog food; that’s 3 points a packet. And, if you reach right up to the top shelf, we have family-size boxes of Sludge Slayer washing powder for 5 points each, but beware these boxes are rather fragile, and you won’t get nothing for them if they burst open. You can carry as much as you can carry in one go, but anything you drop is fair game for your opponent to pick up!
Clara: [standing at the opposite end of the set, where the players are] To score the points, our contestants need to put their stolen items into their swag stash! [Gestures a pair of sacks, affixed to the floor, one in each of the player colours]. Now, if all this sounds a bit too straightforward, bear in mind that our contestants’ jerseys appear to have snagged on something…
Clara indicates a bungee cord attached to a harness on each of the players.
Natalie: Yes, and that’s not the only complication. If you go around nicking stuff, don’t be surprised when the long arm of the law catches up with you. [Looks up] And wielding those long arms, are our officers Kel and Irene!
On either side above the set, Kel and Irene are stationed on balconies. They are dressed in police uniforms, and each of them is literally equipped with a long arm, fitted over one of their real arms, which has a mechanical grabber at the end. Near to each balcony a perspex crate is mounted on the wall, filled with what appear to be balloons in the respective team colour.
Clara: Kel and Irene, to help your contestant to victory, you must use your long arm of the law to drop slime balloons on their rival! For each direct hit you make on them, we will deduct 2 points from their score. Our marshals will be keeping a count, using the video replay if necessary, so don’t bother to quibble with us!
Natalie: Oh, and not wishing to alarm you, but I heard that the sprinkler system is on the blink and could go off at any moment!
Clara: You’ve got two minutes on the clock – starting NOW!
Natalie and Clara scarper. As warned by Natalie, water begins sprinkling from the ceiling, soaking all four players and making the floor slippery. Simon and Sarah both lose their footing on their first run, planting on their fronts, and being pulled back by the bungee cords.
On his second attempt, Simon reaches the shelf stack, and lunges high for one of the boxes of washing powder, lured by the high points value. He manages to pull it off the shelf, but it tumbles from his grip and bops him on the head. The fragile container bursts open, showering Simon with white powder, which sticks to his wet head and clothing. Natalie and Clara laugh at his misfortune from the sidelines.
Sarah, a little behind Simon, decides not to repeat his mistake, and instead goes for one of the packets of dog food on the easy-access middle shelf. However, it proves heavy and bulky, and slips from her grip, rolling away across the floor. Simon, remembering what Natalie said, scoops up the packet and smugly dumps it in his own sack, while Sarah fumes at him.
Meanwhile, the ‘police officers’ Kel and Irene are getting to grips with their long arms, which are not only tricky to manoeuvre, but also require a delicate touch. Gripping the balloons too hard with their pincers causes them to burst, but too soft a grip causes them to fall prematurely. It takes both girls a few attempts to master the action of picking up a balloon from their crates, swinging it across and dropping it, but after that they still face the challenge of timing their drop to hit their rival. Kel is the first to succeed, dropping a balloon straight onto the head of Sarah, you squawks as red slime splatters over her hair. Irene isn’t far behind, scoring a hit of blue on Simon’s shoulder.
Simon perseveres with the big boxes of ‘washing powder’, hoping that their high points value will be his route to victory. Sarah, meanwhile, puts her faith in accumulating large numbers of bean tins. She develops a trick of scooping them into the folds of her jersey before being dragged away by the bungee. However, as the time ticks down, she decides she can’t afford to pass over the washing powder boxes. She suffers a similar malfunction to Simon, dousing herself in the clinging white powder, but also manages to squirrel away a couple of the large boxes successfully.
Natalie: Ten seconds left y’all! Nine! Eight!
The two players make their last-ditch charge towards the shelves.
Natalie, Clara and audience: SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!!…
Sarah scoops up another load of baked bean tins, but in her panicked hurry, most of them got clattering across the floor.
Natalie, Clara and audience: FOUR!! THREE!!!…
Simon yanks another box of washing powder from the upper shelf. A balloon dropped by Irene lands on his head, splattering him with blue goo, and causing him yo stagger backwards.
Natalie, Clara and audience: TWO!!! ONE!!!
A klaxon blasts.
Natalie: [strutting on in a method that tries to be quick without slipping over in her high heels] STOP!! EVERYONE STOP! Drop everything!
Sarah duly puts down the two tins of beans she is holding, while Simon drops his box of washing powder, which smashes open in a heap on the floor. A red slime balloon drops from above, splattering on the floor inches away from Natalie and splashing her foot.
Natalie: Oii!!
Natalie looks up to see one of the long arms hovering above her, a giggling Kel operating her.
Kel: [sweetly] You did say drop everything!
Natalie: You nearly got yourself in a lot of trouble, young lady! Come down from there, both of you!
Kel and Irene comply, disentangling themselves from the giant arms and descending steps at the side of the set. Meanwhile, Sarah and Simon try to brush off some of the powder and slime, and wring out their sopping jerseys, while Clara carefully steps onto the set to join Natalie.
Clara: Well, it looks like plenty of swiping has gone on here! But just how much swag did our contestants bag? Natalie, why don’t you have a rummage around Simon’s sack?
Natalie: [pulls a face] If I really must.
Natalie detaches the red swag bag from the floor, tips it up and empties the goods onto the floor, cursing as a bit more mess splashes on her feet. She begins to count up the items.
Natalie: Let’s see now… you’ve got 5 tins of bins – good for your heart, so I’ve heard… 4 packets of dogfood… and 3 undamaged boxes of Sludge Slayer washing powder; I’m not accepting this [points disdainfully to a crumpled mass of cardboard and powder]. So all in all, that gives you 32 points!
Simon whoops.
Clara: But, Simon, your blue tinge shows that Irene had some success with her balloons, and the marshals have confirmed to me that she achieved 3 direct hits. That means we deduct 6 points from your score, leaving 26!
Natalie: So, upon adding that to your existing score of 37 points, your final score tonight is an impressive 63 points!
Simon raises both hands in the air, but he’s not cheering yet.
Clara: [pulling an on-edge face to Sarah] Sarah, you’ve got 32 points to your name so far. Simon has the tiebreaker advantage, which means you need to gain another 32 points in this round to put him in the sludge, otherwise he’ll be putting you in there! How confident are you?
Sarah: [straight-faced] I’ll tell you once you’ve counted.
Natalie: Best get on and do it, Clara.
Clara empties the blue sack, letting the items clatter to the floor. A couple of bean tins roll away from her, and she squeamishly stops them with her foot and kicks them back.
Clara: Wow Sarah, you really are full of beans – 15 tins of the things! And we have 3 packets of dog food, and 2 boxes of Sludge Slayer. All in all, that makes… 34 points – you could still be in the game!
Sarah smiles wistfully. She knows very well she can only be in the game if she suffered no balloon hits, and her red-splotched hair and jersey make clear that this isn’t the case.
Natalie: But… Kel managed 4 direct hits on your person, Sarah. That means that you go down 8 points, so your score for the round is… 26 – same as Simon’s!
Clara: [with a commiserating shrug at Sarah] Which means that your final score tonight is 58, so Simon is our winner!
Raising both fists, Simon leans back and cheers. Sarah looks at the floor and slowly shakes her head.
Clara: It’s all settled what fates await Simon and Sarah, but what about our audience helpers, Kel and Irene, and the small matter of that £250 prize?
Kel: [cheekily] Well, I got one more balloon hit than Irene, so I should get the prize!
Natalie: [with a reproving glare towards Kel] Uh-uh! This is a team effort, and your teams both got 26 points, so we’re going to split the prize between you. [Holds up two golden envelopes] Here you are – £125 for each of you!
The audience applauds. Kel and Irene make towards Natalie to claim the envelopes, but Clara puts her hands on their shoulders, holding them back.
Clara: Ladies, I’d advise against collecting your cash just yet, unless you plan on pegging it out to dry. You’ll remember we promised a punishment to whichever of you did worse in this round. Since you’re sharing the prize, it’s only fair you share the punishment as well! Come with me!
The audience cheers and the girls in police uniform cringe as Clara leads them to a different section of the set, where a trolley is mounted to a rail in the floor.
Natalie: Yes, it’s time for you two to get trolleyed! In you get!
The trolley would be a tight fit for just one of the girls, so it’s a struggle to get both of them in. Kel ends up wedged in on her knees, with her large bust hooked over the front of the trolley, while Irene is squeezed in behind Kel in virtually a standing position.
Clara: Hope this doesn’t breach health and safety! Okay, happy shopping, you two!
The trolley begins its journey, trundling round a corner into a narrow aisle, where a huge batch of baked beans drops from the ceiling without warning. Both girls scream as the orange beans and sauce cover their hair and soak their uniforms.
Natalie: Ah, they’re excellent value, those beans!
The trolley turns another corner, and this time the pair are engulfed in an avalanche of the Sludge Slayer ‘washing powder’. The white powder sticks to the bean juice, crusting in the girls’ hair, and making them look like a pair of snow-women as they trundle their way towards the checkout.
Clara: That’s it! You’re almost at the checkout! Can you make it in time to win the final prize? Yes!!
The trolley comes to a halt at the checkout, a siren blares, and jetlets of green, blue and pink gunge rain down on the occupants. Irene, being stuck at the back, cops a faceful, while Kel gapes as the gunge splashes down onto her head and back.
Natalie: Oh, excellent stuff! A photo finish if there ever was one! We’ll give you towel and toiletry packs along with the £125 quid. Thanks for being great sports. Everyone, a big hand please for Kel and Irene!
The two girls laugh as the audience cheers them. Irene playfully rubs the gunge into Kels hair, so Kel retaliates by slinging some beans back at Irene.
Natalie: [facing the camera] So, the next time you’re at the deli counter, queueing for some tripe…
Clara: …Think of the mess you could be making on Supermarket Swipe!
Natalie: RIP Dale.
Natalie and Clara return to Simon and Sarah, the former of whom is in a jubilant mood, while the latter continues to look at the floor while wringing her hands nervously together.
Clara: Now, onto the main event! We’re going to let the pair of you go backstage and get cleaned up and changed into the clothes you arrived in, because we want you nice and smart for the next part of the show!
Natalie: Simon, do you know what part of the show is coming up next?
Simon: [rubbing his hands together] Hell yes, I do!
Clara: And Sarah, are you aware which part of the show is coming up next?
Sarah: [looking up with a resentful expression on her face] Yes…
Natalie: [to the camera] Simon knows, Sarah knows, and if you don’t know you need to get with the show! It is, of course…
Natalie and Clara together: THE SLUDGE SLING!!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
After a graphical animation showing letters sinking into a toxic swampland, the scene opens once again with the leering head of the cartoon fishbone, this time shown from a low, oblique angle.
The camera proceeds in a slow, queasy journey along the fishbone, towards its tail. The white foam from which the figure is drawn has started to sink and mingle into the surrounding blue gunge, which has a very rough and lumpy consistency, but also a wet and glistening sheen. In parts the sludge discolours into grey, but has the same texture.
Reaching the end of the pool, the camera rises, sweeping over the pivot of the giant catapult and up its sturdy beam. A feminine pair of bare feet lay on the foot rest, sticking out of a pair of smart grey trousers. Sarah’s dark-green apron is tied around her waist, folding awkwardly in her lap in her presented seated position. Her green-and-white-striped shirt is tucked into her trousers, cuffed at the wrists, and secured at the neck with her blue tie – perhaps her unwavering commitment to smartness, perhaps an improbable attempt to stop the gunge from entering. Sarah’s dirty-blonde hair remains in its stubby ponytail, and her mouth is closed and downturned in an unamused glower.
Clara: [speaking from out of shot] Well look who it is, folks – Sarah the meanie manager, preparing to clock on for a shift in our sludge! Not so high and mighty now, is she? Ha ha!
While Sarah doubles down with her frown, the camera zooms out, revealing Clara standing beside the catapult, from where she taunts its occupant. Simon, meanwhile, is chilling on the throne, comfy as can be on the plush cushions, while Natalie stands at his side. The studio lighting is dimmed, with spotlights trained on Sarah and Simon, and intense overhead lighting bearing down on the sludge itself.
Natalie: Simon, congratulations on your win! This was a spirited competition between you and Sarah, with the lead switching between you as the games played out. Overall, Sarah actually did slightly better than you in those games, but what does that matter when public opinion was so heavily on your side? She may be your duty manager, but tonight, you have come out as the boss! You must be very pleased with yourself!
Simon: Oh I am! Everyone at work is going to love this! The staffroom’ll be packed when it airs!
Clara: [with a heavy sigh] Sarah Sarah… I bet you regret not allowing that Christmas party now.
Sarah: [through tight lips] Can we get this over and done with?
Clara: Oh, always an eye on the clock, this one! Sorry, Sarah, an event like this is far too good to rush, so you can sit up there for a while to take in the sights – and the smells – before we seal your fate in the sludge below! But here at Grudge-2-Sludge we’re not entirely heartless, and just as every condemned prisoner is granted a last meal, so we have prepared a Three-course Ordeal!
Out of the dimness at the back of the stage, Natalie wheels a serving trolley, which is laden with three pieces of exquisite silverware. The first is a tureen labelled “Gloop of The Day”, next to which is a cylindrical serving dish labelled “Manky Mains”. The third item is a tall jug with the label “Just Desserts”.
Natalie: Here we are! Lovingly prepared using ingredients from your very own supermarket – so you may recognise some of the dishes! Though if things go well for you, it’ll be Simon who’ll be getting acquainted with them!
Clara: I’m going to put to you three multiple-choice questions – one for each course of the ordeal. For each question you get right, Nat will serve that course all over Simon, giving you some small measure of revenge on him!
Simon grips at the arms of the throne, suddenly looking less relaxed.
Natalie: But get a question wrong, then things will get even worse for you than they are already!
Clara: So let dining commence! Nat, what’s the Gloop of the Day?
Natalie: [removing the lid from the tureen] Today’s Gloop of the Day is minestrone!
Clara: Ooh, minestrone! Sarah, here’s your question to decide where we serve it: One of the biggest industrial disputes in British history was the General Strike, which occured over nine days in May of which year? Was it
1922,
1924,
or 1926?
Sarah: [tutting and puffing] Ummmm… I dunno… let’s go with the last one… 1926.
Clara: [sighing] Sarah, that was a total guess, wasn’t it?
Sarah nods nervously, hunching her shoulders.
Clara: But it was a correct one!
Sarah’s eyes light up. Simon pulls a face.
Natalie: [heaving the tureen into her grasp] One Gloop of the Day to the gentleman over there!
Natalie carries the tureen to behind the throne, where she climbs a small set of steps. She raises the tureen above Simon’s head and looks teasingly down on him. She begins to pour, and Simon gasps slightly as the orange-brown sauce flows onto his head, flattening his spiked hairstyle. Natalie sloshes the tureen around in a circular motion, soaking and staining his shirt orange. With the liquid drained, she upturns the tureen and dumps the sediment of beans, spaghetti hoops and vegetables onto his head. Sarah chuckles at the sight.
Clara: Ah yes, minestrone always hits the spot! Now let’s see what’s on offer for Manky Mains…
Natalie: [returns to the trolley and removes the lid from the serving dish] Oooh! It’s caviar soufflé!
Clara: Blimey! You do work in a posh shop! Right Sarah, your next question continues the lifeguard theme from Flan the Frauds: Which former US president had his first job working as a Lifeguard in Dixon, Illinois? Was it
Ronald Reagan,
Bill Clinton,
or George W. Bush?
Sarah: [strokes her chin] Mmm… Well, I can’t picture George Bush as a lifeguard, that’s for sure. Bill Clinton, maybe… but didn’t he come from Arkansas? So I’ll go with Ronald Reagan.
Clara: That was admirably worked out there, Sarah – correct!
Simon groans.
Natalie: One caviar soufflé coming up!
Clutching the serving dish in both hands, Natalie reascends the steps behind the throne, looming over a cringing Simon. The soufflé, it would seem, is only semi-set, and it gloops over Simon’s head in a thick yellow layer, dotted with black cavier. Sarah laughs and claps as it splatters onto his shoulders and down his forehead. Natalie shakes out the dish and a big dollop of remaining caviar lands on Simon.
Natalie: How was that, sir?
Simon: [wiping around his eyes] Not great!
Natalie: Tsk! And we spent so much money on it – ungrateful!
Clara: A bit of roe woe for Simon there! Sarah, let’s see if you can add to his discomfort by giving him his Just Desserts – or will you get them yourself? What are they, Nat?
Natalie: [takes the lid off the jug] We have some organic three-grain semolina!
Clara: Ooh, very metropolitan! Sarah, your final question is pot luck. Here goes: Ascorbic acid is more commonly known as which vitamin? Is it
Vitamin A,
Vitamin B12,
Or vitamin C?
Sarah: It’s vitamin C, Clara.
Clara: [frowning] Are you confident of that?
Sarah: [shrewdly] Confident enough not to change my answer, if that’s what your asking.
Clara: And you’re right not to – correct again!
Sarah cheers and waves both fists.
Simon: You’ve got to be joking!
Natalie: [picking up the jug] The joke’s on you, bud!
Natalie climbs the steps for the third time and stands over Simon, who resignedly waits for the pour. Natalie, however, decides that Simon’s hair has been messed up enough, so she instead she loosens his tie and unbuttons his shirt collar.
Simon: Hey! What are you…!?
Natalie inserts the lip of the jug into Simon’s shirt collar. Simon shrieks as the off-white semolina paste flows inside, coating his chest. Sarah laughs heartily at him from her position of current cleanliness.
Natalie withdraws the jug and Simon instinctive claps his hands to his shirt as he feels the semolina ooze down inside. What he doesn’t realise is that the jug is still half full. Winking to the audience, Natalie deftly unbuttons his trousers and pours the rest inside his fly. Simon’s mouth goes to a wide O-shape while Sarah cheers.
Clara: And for once Simon’s speechless! Sarah, you did well there. You’ve managed to stay clean throughout the ordeal and you’ve made quite a mess of Simon. But the time for celebrating is over, because you’re about to get far, far worse!
Handel’s Hallelujah chorus belts out around the studio, the audience clapping along in time. To the right-hand side of the throne, the blingy toilet-style chain descends, coming to a stop at a convenient reach for Simon.
Natalie: Well bad luck, Simon! Semolina in the pants is never a comfortable situation – not that I speak from experience, of course.
Simon: [squirming] I thought I was supposed to be the winner of this!
Natalie: Fear not, Simon; very soon you’ll feel every bit a winner. Take a good look at your duty manager Sarah. Think about how she has you running around like a mad thing doing dozens of jobs at one. Relive the hours you spent scrubbing at that fish counter with a toothbrush for her mean amusement. And remember your disappointment when she cancelled your Christmas party! And then, at your supreme leisure, take hold of that golden chain…
Natalie and Clara together: [as they evacuate the vicinity] AND SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
Sarah has her hands on her hips, trying to strike a defiant pose, but her lips wobble and her throat can be seen to swallow as she awaits her fate. Her eyes are fixed on Simon, and he returns her gaze as he blissfully reaches out and tugs the chain.
Sparks erupt in fountains either side of the catapult, which draws sharply backwards, breaking Sarah’s gaze with Simon and leaving her looking at the rafters. Directly in front of the catapult, a column of bright green gunge descends, splashing into the blue sludge near the edge of the pool.
With a resounding twang, the catapult springs forth, the seat unfolding to force Sarah into a straightened stance. She still has her hands on hips when the catapult reaches the vertical configuration and comes to a sudden stop, and her upright body splashes through the column of falling gunge. Tipping forwards, she smashes through the spinal column of the fish skeleton.
Briefly, Sarah’s body leaves a trench imprinted in the mucky morrass, but then the sludge folds over her from either side, while the audience go wild at her downfall. Simon too seems to have forgotten all about the messy food covering him as he gleefully peers down from the throne, awaiting the re-emergence of his boss – very different to how she went in.
On one side of the fishbone, a misshapen hand breaks out of the surface, blue clinging between the fingers. It windmills back into the sludge, before another hands emerges from a patch of grey on the other side of the fishbone and makes a similar motion, as if Sarah is attempting some experimental swimming stroke to free herself.
Then, right at the head of the fishbone, something begins to rise. The white foam clings to Sarah’s hair and face as she slowly lifts her head, while underneath this she is already heavily slathered in the lumpy blue goo, which clings to her skin and dangles from every extremity. She spits a stream of the stuff from her mouth.
Then, her feet finding the base of the pool and her nerves reaching a new state of shock, Sarah leaps upwards, her shoulders and bust breaking clear of the surface, before she falls back, up to her armpits, then pops up again, finding an equilibrium level with the sludge just over her bust. Sarah’s apron sags in front of her, weighed down with the goo, while her shirt is fully saturated, inside and out. Even Sarah’s trousers can’t hold off the sludge; she squeals as she feels it ooze its way up her legs, filling her trousers from the ankles up.
Sarah raises her hands to clear around her eyes, which blink in astonishment. Her jaw hangs agape, the sludge hanging in stalactites from her chin, upper lip and nose. It is a world apart from the aloof, calm manner she has maintained throughout the show; for once this strict boss is not in control of her composure, let alone anything else! Continuing to gasp and gape, Sarah turns her gaze up to Simon, who exchanges some kind of mocking banter with her that the microphones don’t pick up.
Then, just as Sarah is starting to claw back some semblance of composure, the heavens open and a great load of beige goo drops from them. Even lumpier than the sludge in the pool, this stuff has long elasticky strings in it as well as irregular rubbery lumps, not a million miles from vomit. It falls forcefully, with a wide radius, and there is nowhere for Sarah to hide except downwards, up to her neck in the sludge, while somewhere above her Simon cheers.
Natalie: [tentatively stepping onto the stage as the main lights go up] Oh my word! Nasty nasty!
Clara: Look out, Nat! There’s more!
Another job lot of goo, similar in consistency to the previous one but greener in hue, is dropped on the cowering Sarah. When it finally subsides, something stringy is draped over one side of Sarah’s head, obscuring one eye, while the other blinks in renewed shock.
Natalie: Now that was sick – in every sense of the word!
Clara: A spectacular slinging, Nat, and an even more stupendous sludging, and it’s something we ought to see again in slow motion!
The slow-mo replay duly plays, Sarah grimacing as the sparks erupt either side of her and her chair lurches back, while the curtain of green gunge begins to fall in front of her, splattering on the lumpy blue below. Sarah’s eyes and mouth widen as the catapult discharges, but comically her hands remain fixed on her hips, even as the seat straightens. By the time the catapult reaches the vertical position, Sarah is a standing position, her apron straightened out. The seat gives a parting push to her bum and then she splashes through the stream of gunge, giving her hitherto clean hair and uniform a green coating. Her body remains straight as she tips through the air, hands still on hips, mouth unfortunately open, towards the sludge.
Back in the present, Sarah has wiped some of the excess crud from her face and hair, though is still totally dishevelled and barely recognisable. She has regained control of her wits somewhat, and shakes her head and sticks her tongue out at the camera.
Natalie and Clara go over to the throne.
Natalie: Simon, you’ve done it! You’ve dropped your hard-nosed boss into the dross! You must be the envy of millions of workers all over the world right now! Semolina aside, how are you feeling?
Simon: I’m feeling absolutely fantastic! I can’t wait until everyone at work sees this!
Clara: You’re gonna be a popular lad – even more so now that you get to choose three friends to take with you to Madrid for the Champions League final next year!
Simon whoops.
Natalie: But here’s the real prize! It’s going to look great on the noticeboard in your staffroom. [Holds up a giant certificate to the camera and reads aloud from it].
Clik here to view.
This is to certify that
Image may be NSFW.
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has had the grudge with his boss
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
settled in his favour, and that accordingly:
‣ Sarah will not load several jobs at once onto Simon in the name of ‘multitasking’.
‣ Sarah will not make Simon use ridiculous tools when cleaning.
‣ Simon has the right to a generous amount of break time.
‣ Sarah will not nit-pick Simon’s uniform and attire.
‣ There will be a Christmas party in the staffroom – ho ho ho!
Signed,
Natalie Lloyd Clara Quick
Clara: [pointing] And you see here at the bottom there’s a space to put your favourite photo of Sarah in the sludge! I hope it provides some workplace motivation!
Simon: [chuckling] I’m sure it will! Thanks for everything.
Natalie: You’re very welcome. Thanks for coming on the show. Everybody, let’s have a big round of applause for Simon!
The spectators clap and cheer while Simon, still covered in soup and soufflé, and with his uniform full of semolina, waves his certificate.
While this has been going on, Sarah has ploughed her way to the edge of the pool (leave a trail of churned-up sludge behind her) and is trying to haul herself out.
Clara: Oi oi oii! What’s going on here?! You stay in there, lady! It’s not clocking off time yet!
Natalie: Can’t blame you for trying to get out, though; it’s pretty fishy round here – whewf!
Clara: So Sarah, after this big humiliation for you, are Simon and his colleagues going to experience a kinder, gentler Ms Boswell in the store from now on?
Sarah: [putting on a stern manner] Believe me, if Simon thinks he’s seen the mean me, he ain’t seen nothing yet!
Natalie: Ooh dear, unrepentant. Simon, if she breaches any of the terms of the certificate, give us a call and we’ll sort her out!
Clara: To be fair, Sarah, you may have a spoilsport image, but you were at least a good enough sport to come on here and brave the sludge, so we appreciate that. And while you’re not getting that holiday in Galicia, we are going to afford you a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack to help you get cleaned up for your return to work!
Natalie: But for now… I’m afraid the cleaning facilities are rather more basic!
Natalie tosses a small item down at Sarah, which lands in the sludge beside her and becomes embedded in the surface. It is a toothbrush. Sarah pulls a sour expression.
Clara: Let’s have a round of applause for Sarah please!
As the audience shows their appreciation, Natalie and Clara step hastily away. Another batch of goo, this time of a yellow tinge, rains down on Sarah, plenty of it splattering on the floor since she is at the edge of the pool.
Natalie: Ooh yuck! I wouldn’t want to be the person who has to mop that up!
Clara: Why are you looking at me? Anyway, that brings us to the end of this episode of Grudge-2-Sludge!
Natalie: She was Clara Quick.
Clara: And she was Natalie Lloyd! Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next week, when we’ll have some more wacky games, more frauds to flan, another rankling grudge…
Natalie: [pulls a disgusted face as she gestures Sarah] …And another loser in the sludge! Goodnight!
The outro music plays and the audience claps. We return for one more close-up of Sarah as she again tries to lever herself out of the pool, but is beaten back by another downpour of gunk. Simon waves from his throne, happy though still squirming a bit, and Natalie and Clara wave zanily as the shot passes them. The camera swings round toward the audience, and as it sweeps along the front row, we see Kel, Irene and some of the Flan the Frauds participants sitting in dressing gowns, clapping and waving.
The music and clapping continues, a montage of the show’s highlights plays, including choice snippets from the video-reels, moments of high drama from the games, the flannings of the alleged lifeguards, Kel and Irene getting gunged in the trolley, and Natalie doleing out the Three-course Ordeal to Simon. The montage concludes with a behind-the-catapult view of Sarah being sprung to her doom, through the curtain of falling green gunge, into the morass of blue sludge, and finally the back of her head emerging from the sludgy depths.
Well there you go – the less controversial option won through! Thanks to the anonymous person who commissioned this episode and provided great characters to work with.
The site’s more conventional readership will be glad to hear that the next episode will be a female-female affair, when same-sex fiancées Juliette and Bec will do battle!
I’m still taking commissions for further episodes – see here for details.