The characters in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people is coincidence.
ROUND 1: Blooming Nuisance
After an advert break, the next part of the show opens in one of the game areas. The set is mocked up to look like a garden, with flowerpots and watering cans lying around, a small garden shed in the corner, and a wooden fence running along the back. Most of the floor area is taken up by two squares of artificial turf, one rimmed with red and the other with blue. Beside each square is a wheelbarrow in the matching colour. At the front of the set, Natalie and Clara are reclining in deckchairs.
Natalie: Welcome back to Grudge-2-Sludge! She’s Clara Quick!
Clara: And she’s Natalie Lloyd!
Natalie: And here we are relaxing in the Grudge-2-Sludge garden. Ahh, this is the life!
Clara: Too right, Nat. The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, the buds are coming into bloom… all we’re is missing is a pair of lillies.
Natalie: Ah, I think I can do something about that. [Calls over her shoulder] Gemma! Siobhan! Come on out!
The shed door opens, and the two contestants sheepishly step out to instant laughter from the audience. They are dressed in full-body unitards, bright green in colour and skin-tight so as to leave no detail of their figures to the imagination. Around their necks are ruffs made of large plastic ‘petals’ – red for Gemma and blue for Siobhan.
Natalie and Clara get up from their deckchairs.
Clara: [looking mystified as she inspects the contestants] Eh, Nat, what is the meaning of this?
Natalie: You asked for a pair of sillies, didn’t you?
Clara: Lillies!
Natalie: Whoops.
Clara: Never mind. They certainly do look silly! Gemma, I don’t know why you’re looking unhappy; I thought you liked wearing revealing clothing!
Gemma pouts in response.
Natalie: Welcome to the first game, which is called Blooming Nuisance! Gemma and Siobhan, you are our garden flowers, and each of you has been assigned a patch of lawn to take care of.
Clara: Because here in the Grudge-2-Sludge garden, we have a very persistent problem…
Natalie and Clara together: Weeds!!
As they say this, a green shoot extends out of the turf within Gemma’s square. It comes to a stop just short of knee height and unfurls its leaves. Natalie walks over.
Natalie: Yep, these little blighters are coming up all over the place, and what you need to do is root ’em out!
Natalie grasps the weed by its stem and pulls it up. There is some resistance, but it detaches from the turf with a little popping sound. Natalie carries it over to Gemma’s wheelbarrow.
Natalie: You must then deposit your uprooted weed – or weeds, as the case may be – in your wheelbarrow. Though in this case I’m not going to do that because it would give Gemma an unfair advantage.
Natalie instead chucks the weed into the audience.
Clara: You have 90 seconds on the clock, at the end of which you will score one point for each weed in your barrow.
Natalie: But watch out! For each weed rooted in your lawn when the clock stops, you will lose a point. Got that?
Nodding, Gemma and Siobhan position themselves at the centres of their respective lawns, ready to commence play. Natalie and Clara fold up their deckchairs and prepare to vacate the area.
Clara: Oh, one more thing: It wouldn’t be an English country garden without the English weather, so be prepared!
Natalie: Your 90 seconds start now!
Natalie and Clara scarper as frantic music commences and the clock starts ticking. Weeds begin to sprout in random places on the lawns and Gemma and Siobhan scrabble to grab them.
Siobhan is the first to yank up a weed. A fountain of translucent green slime erupts from the ground where it was plucked, splashing over her front and face.
Siobhan: Hey!! That didn’t happen when you did it!
Gemma is in the process of discovering the same thing. She shrieks and tumbles back, largely avoiding the slime but also wasting time for herself. Siobhan has already recovered from the shock and is busy plucking up weeds, inducing a series of slime sprays as she goes. As attested to by her figure, she proves to be a very sprightly forty-year-old mum. Gemma, getting back to her feet, also shows herself to be speedy and agile, though perhaps not quite so used to physical exertion as her mother.
A bundle of weeds under her arm, the slime-splattered Siobhan runs to her wheelbarrow and dumps them. Gemma, similarly splattered, does likewise in her own wheelbarrow. Meanwhile, the weeds pop up on the lawns at an increasing rate.
Natalie: [shouting from the sidelines] Oh dear! It looks like rain!
Sprinklers mounted above the set begin showering the two women. Within a few seconds, drizzle intensifies to a moonsoon downpour and Gemma and Siobhan are drenched. Their hair hangs lank and their already-revealing unitards become saturated against their bodies. Siobhan shrieks and Gemma moans, but both try to stay focussed on the task of pulling out the weeds wherever they come up.
Clara: Uh-oh! The wind’s getting up!
A pair of giant fans blow from the edge of the set. Standing beside them, Natalie and Clara empty sacks of grass cuttings and leaves into the blast, which engulf the players and stick to their wet bodies. Things become increasingly chaotic; Siobhan fumbles several weeds from her grip and they blow away, while Gemma, running to her wheelbarrow, slips and lands on her arse, embellished by a comedic sound effect.
Natalie: Would you believe it? A freak snowstorm’s on the way!
The watery downpour has ended, but in its place comes flurries of white powder. The fans whip it up into a veritable blizzard, engulfing the playing area. It becomes hard for Gemma and Siobhan to even see what they are doing, as the snow sticks all over their hair, faces and bodies.
Clara: Ten seconds left!
Natalie, Clara and audience: NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN!…
Both players are shocked at how quickly the time has passed by. Siobhan runs to her wheelbarrow. Gemma crawls around on her patch of turf, trying to rip up any last minute weeds, but it proves a losing battle.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …SIX! FIVE! FOUR!…
Siobhan slides across the floor and dumps her bundle of weeds into her wheelbarrow. Gemma tries to throw hers across, but the fans ensure the attempt is futile.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …THREE! TWO! ONE!
A klaxon blasts. The fans stop. Two massive and precision-targeted heaps of the powdery snow are dumped onto Gemma and Siobhan.
Natalie: STOP!! Time’s up!
Gemma and Siobhan sprawl on the floor, rasping away the snow. Both figures are almost entirely white, with little of the bright green unitards to be seen.
Natalie and Clara gingerly walk into the area of play, taking great care not to slip over.
Clara: Well, it just goes to show how quickly the weather can change!
Natalie: Yep, our poor flowers are looking rather weather-beaten at the end of that! Let’s find out how they did.
Natalie goes over to Gemma’s wheelbarrow and tosses out the weeds one at a time, counting as she goes.
Natalie: One! Two! Three!…
Gemma gets to her feet and peels her sodden swooped fringe away from her eyes as she hopefully watches her weeds being counted.
Natalie: …Nineteen! Twenty! Twenty-one weeds collected, Gemma! But you’ve left your lawn in a bit of a state! There’s one, two, three, four, five weeds still rooted in there. So deducting those gives you a score of 16 points. Not at all shabby!
Gemma smiles.
Clara: Siobhan, let’s count yours. One! Two! Three!…
Standing with her hands on her hips and breathing heavily from her exertion, Siobhan keenly watches the count. Her curly hair is lank and filled with the snow.
Clara: …twenty-two, twenty-three, an impressive twenty-four! But you’ve got four weeds rooted in your lawn, which takes you down to 20 – still an impressive score, and better than your daughter’s!
Gemma’s face falls at this news. Siobhan wearily cheers.
Natalie: And that’s the Great British summer over for another year!
Clara: Blooming marvellous! We’re gonna let Gemma and Siobhan get dried off and changed, and then it’s time for round two!
The camera zooms out as the sodden and snow-coated pair trudge off-stage.
ROUND 2: Flan the Frauds (Air Hostess Edition)
A brief title sequence plays and then the scene opens in a different section of the stage. Gemma and Siobhan have reverted back to the clothes they arrived in (Gemma’s clubbing gear and Siobhan’s milf-casual) and are seated in armchairs. They’ve taken quick showers to clean off from the last round’s exploits, but their hair is still damp and there’s the odd fleck of white stuck on them.
In front of each seated contestant is a table bearing shaving-cream pies. The pies are at least a foot and a half in diameter, and mounded high with cream, which is tinged in pastel shades – pink for the pies in front of Gemma, pale blue for those in front of Siobhan.
Beyond these tables, seven women stand in a row facing the contestants. They are dressed in air-hostess uniforms, consisting of sky-blue jacket and short skirt, red neck-tie, clear tights and high heels (but no hat).
Natalie and Clara walk onto the set between the contestants and the air hostesses.
Natalie: Hello again! This is Grudge-2-Sludge, and we’re one round down in our daughter-vs-mother showdown. So far, daughter Gemma has racked up 16 points, but her mum Siobhan has 20!
Clara: But don’t worry too much, Gemma. We’ve still two rounds to go, as well as the results of our audience vote, so there are plenty more points to be won.
Natalie: And you’ll both be pleased to hear that you won’t have to dress up or get messy in our next game. Instead, that honour falls to our seven stooges here.
Clara: Yes, this game is called Flan the Frauds, and we’re really hoping it’ll take off.
Natalie: Which is why we’ve brought in some air hostesses. Take off – geddit?
The audience groans.
Natalie: Hey come on, this is the pilot episode!
Louder groans.
Clara: You crashed and burned there, Nat.
Silence.
Natalie: That was just morbid. Let’s get on and meet our line-up, shall we?
The camera sweeps slowly along the line of women. None of them say anything, but smile pleasantly to the camera. Each has on a large badge bearing her first name.
Nicola has a pale, freckled face and copper-red hair, which like Rhiannon’s is tied up, but into a bun on the top of her head. She looks to be late twenties, and has a lean pencil figure.
Kaz has platinum-blonde hair in a ponytail. Her face is a colourful combination of bronze tan, heavy eye-liner and scarlet lipstick, which makes it hard to gauge her age, but mid-twenties to early thirties is probable. She has an hourglass figure with a large bust.
Fay has dark skin and a voluminous afro. Her likely age range is mid to late thirties. She is the second-shortest of the women, and is curvier and chunkier than the others, though pleasingly so.
Jenny is notably the shortest, standing maybe an inch or two above five foot. She is also the youngest-looking and wears the least make-up, if any at all. Her hair is mid-brown and loosely curly, kept under control by a system of hairpins.
Giulia has olive skin and black hair cut in a short, boyish style. She is tall and slim with a perky figure, and looks around 25. She is the only woman in the line-up to be wearing glasses.
Linda is clearly the oldest; she appears to be in her late forties, but has well-preserved features and a trim figure. Her grey hair is highlighted with a subtle blonde tone and styled into a shoulder-length bob.
Clara: None of our line-up know each other, nor are known to our contestants. And none of them knew, until a few hours ago, that they would find themselves standing here!
Natalie: Yes, they came here expecting a leisurely evening as members of our studio audience, but we took them aside at the front door!
Clara: But there’s an important distinction that divides these ladies: Each of them is either a genuine, currently serving air hostess…
Natalie: …Or has never stewarded an airplane in her life! A fraud, in other words.
Clara: We’re not going to tell you how many there are of each, other than to say that at least one of these ladies is for real and at least one is a fraud.
Natalie: And while any genuine hostess is under instruction to speak truthfully, any who is a fraud has been ordered to lie her ass off in a bid to convince you that she is for real!
Clara: Remember, our frauds had no idea before they arrived that they would have to do this. We’ve permitted them half an hour online to research all things aviation…
Natalie …But other than that, they’re going to have to wing it!
Yet more groaning.
Natalie: Gemma and Siobhan, as you’ve probably realised by now, it is your task is to separate the trolley dollies from the trolley follies. To do this, you will take turns to put questions to our line-up.
Clara: You can ask anything, other than directly asking whether they or their fellow participants are for real or frauds. You can even ask them to perform an action, within reason.
Natalie: After the participants have given their answers, you must mark one of them as a fraud. Mark how, exactly? By putting one of your creamy flans in that lady’s face, of course!
The air hostesses giggle nervously.
Clara: Once a participant has been flanned, she’s out of play. It’s then the other contestant’s turn to put a question to the remaining participants, flan one of them, and so on.
Natalie: This continues until either all the participants have been flanned, or until one contestant declares that she thinks all remaining participants are for real and doesn’t want to flan any of them.
Clara: At which point, the other contestant will be allowed to flan those remaining participants, if any, that she thinks are frauds – no further questions asked.
Natalie: Only at the end of the game will we find out for sure which of the line-up are for real and which are frauds.
Clara: Gemma and Siobhan, for each fraud you correctly flan, you’ll win 8 points. But take care; if you wrongly flan a bona fide air hostess, you’ll lose 5 points!
Natalie: [addressing the line-up] Ladies, obviously you’ll want to avoid a flan in the face, but there’s even more at stake than that. Any of you who manages to convince both Gemma and Siobhan that you are for real – whether or not you actually are – will win £250 cash!
The audience woos.
Clara: So, is everyone clear on the rules?
Gemma, Siobhan and the air hostesses all nod.
Natalie: Then let’s play Flan the Frauds!
Clara: Siobhan, you have the lead, so you get to decide whether to go first or second.
Siobhan: I’ll go first, please. Good evening, ladies. I’d like you to go through the physical aspects of the flight safety demonstration. Don’t say anything; just show me where the exits are, how to use the oxygen masks, and how to put on a life-vest.
The air hostesses begin their silent spiel – some hesitantly, some confidently, some perhaps too confidently. Siobhan watches them intently, as does Gemma.
At the beginning things go fairly smoothly, with the hostesses motioning the doors at the rear, the doors over the wings, and lastly – the ladies turn, revealing their shapely posteriors to the camera – the doors at the front. Things become less seemly during the oxygen mask demonstration, with various weird and wonderful tugging motions being mimed. By the time the life-vests are being demonstrated, the hostesses are completely out of time with each other, and all of them look at least slightly flustered, made worse by the growing laughter of the audience.
Giulia: ’Ey, zis is no easy wid no real jacket!
Eventually, all seven shuffle to a halt.
Clara: Siobhan, you’ve seen their performances. Now deliver your flan!
Siobhan gets up from her armchair and picks up one of her pastel-blue shaving-cream pies. It is so large that she carries it with both hands. She heads towards the right-hand end of the line. Giulia gulps, fearing that her outburst of protest has doomed her, but instead it is Giulia’s neighbour Jenny that Siobhan has in mind. A small, wry smile rises on the face of the diminutive, curly-haired woman as Siobhan closes in on her.
Siobhan: Sorry, Jenny, but you looked more like you were fighting your way out of a paper bag than putting on a life-vest. And I doubt you’re tall enough to be an air hostess; I can’t really see you reaching into those overhead bins.
Siobhan plants her pie. The heaped shaving cream engulfs not only Jenny’s face, but the entire front half of her head, as well as her shoulders and upper torso. When Siobhan pulls away the pie tin, Jenny’s face and curly hair are buried under a mask of pale blue cream. Her jacket is wrecked, and blobs of cream drop down onto her tights and shoes.
Jenny spits cream away from her mouth, and scoops it away from around her eyes. She flicks it from her hands in an exaggerated and annoyed motion, but then forces a smile through the cream to show good humour.
Pleased with the result, Siobhan reseats herself.
Clara: Now that was a great flanning!
Natalie: Sure was, Natalie, and it puts Jenny out of play. Gemma, let’s have your question for the remaining six.
Gemma: [Clears her throat] One of the top perks of your job must be getting to travel around the world. What’s your favourite destination to visit, and why?
Natalie: Nice question, Gemma. Let’s go along the row and get the answers.
Rhiannon: Mmmm… That’s a tricky choice, but I’d have to say Tokyo – amazing place. So crowded and bustling, yet so clean and orderly!
The camera moves along the line.
Nicola: My pale skin doesn’t take well to the sun, so I’m not a fan of beach resorts. What I really love is going to the Nordic destinations; Iceland is breathtakingly beautiful!
Onward the camera moves…
Kaz: Well, I ain’t got no issues soaking up the sun! [Proudly gestures her tan] Anywhere in the Caribbean’ll do me nicely!
Fay: For me, Rio de Janeiro, definitely. Carnival there is just incredible – all the music, dancing… And the people are really welcoming, even though I don’t speak a word of Spanish.
The camera skips past Jenny, who is continuing to wipe her face.
Giulia: I am from Italy. So I like always to go back to my, uh, ’ome town, to see, uh… to see my family and my friends, and to get ze foods zat I can’t buy ’ere.
Linda: I agree with Giulia; there’s no place like home. So no matter what fantastic destinations I visit in my job, I love nothing more than to return home to sleep in my own bed. Heaven every time!
Natalie: Hmm, quite a variety of answers there. Gemma, who you gonna flan?
Gemma gets up. There is a relishing expression on her face as she takes one of the huge pink pies from her table. She goes to the left end of the row. Rhiannon cringes and giggles, but then sighs with relief as Gemma walks past her.
Gemma continues past Nicola. She pauses in front of Kaz, looking mighty tempted, but passes on. She stops in front of Fay.
Gemma: Nice try, Fay, but I saw you trying to copy the others during the demonstration. And I don’t suppose the people in Rio speak a word of Spanish either, because Portuguese is the language of Brazil.
With that, Gemma slams the pie into Fay’s face. Pastel pink shaving cream sprays out in all directions as the large black lady staggers back from the force of the hit. Her face and the front of her afro hairstyle are completely buried under the goo, forming a creamy pink disc through which the only discernible features are blinking eyes and a mouth gaping in shock. Faye’s jacket is completely splattered in pink, as is much of her skirt. As she recovers from the shock she begins to guffaw.
Natalie: Woah, that was a hard hit!
Clara: Siobhan, the next question’s yours.
Siobhan: What’s the weirdest or grossest incident you’ve had to deal with in your career?
Rhiannon: I had some guy who put his bare feet up on the tray table and started clipping his toenails! Caused a lot of upset among the passengers next to him, especially when the clippings started pinging onto them! And when I came over to tell him to stop, he asked if I would clip them for him! Er, NO!!
Nicola: My story’s not gross, but its certainly weird. We had a woman who counted all the seat numbers aloud on her way in: 1A, 1B, 1C… and so on. Some kind of compulsive ritual, I guess. She did the same going out, and whenever she got up to use the toilet. If we’d known we wouldn’t have put her in 32F…
Kaz: Oh, the usual: swearing… shouting… being pissed on duty free… shagging in the toilets. And that’s just the pilots!
The camera sweeps past a haloed and dazed Fay, and a messy and pouting Jenny.
Giulia: [Shudders] A passenger smuggle ’is pet… uh, ’is pet bat trough customs. And zis bat, it, uh, escape inside the plane. [Gesticulates with eyes wide] It ’ang from ze, uh, bag racks and, uh – ’ow you say? – it dive-bombe ze passengers! It even fly up my skirt! [Shudders again] I still have nightmares!
Linda: Once I was stewarding in first class when [celebrity’s name bleeped out for legal reasons] was on board. I’d always known she had a false chest; what I didn’t know is that she had false teeth, too!
Clara: [Pulling a face] Now those were quite some revelations! Siobhan, what do you make it all?
Siobhan gets to her feet and arms herself with another huge pie. Again she heads in Giulia’s direction, and this time there is no reprieve for the Italian, who giggles nervously as Siobhan squares up the pie.
Siobhan: I work as a receptionist in a vet’s, and while we don’t have many people bringing in bats – it’s illegal to keep them as pets, after all – I’m pretty sure if one were taken on a plane, it would hide itself away in terror, rather than hanging from luggage racks and flying up skirts. So ciao, Giulia!
Mindful that Giulia is wearing glasses, Siobhan refrains from slamming the pie too hard, but screws it tightly into the face of her target, who doubles up in shock. Siobhan then slides the flan upwards, playfully rubbing it around Giulia’s head, blanketing the Italian’s short hair. Giulia squeals and blindly tries to fend Siobhan off. When Siobhan is finished she leaves the crumpled pie tin on top of Giulia’s head like a hat. Laughing, Giulia removes her glasses, revealing two uncovered circles on an otherwise pale-blue head.
Clara: Thoroughly flanned there! Nice one, Siobhan!
Natalie: Three out, four still in play. Gemma, what’s your question?
Gemma: Let’s get down to serious matters: how do you make the perfect G&T?
Siobhan: Ugh! Trust you to think about booze!
Natalie: It’s a valid question and Gemma’s entitled to ask it. Ladies, let’s have your answers.
Rhiannon: Pre-chilled glass. Pour gin over ice. Add a slice of lime, lightly squeezed. Pour in two parts tonic to one part gin. Serve with a smile!
Nicola: Pretty much agree with what Rhiannon said, except that I’m firmly on the other side of the lemon-lime debate. Definitely lemon.
Kaz: G&T? You’ll be lucky! On Shawnair, where I work, you’ll only get lager fermented from the plane toilets, and it’ll cost you a tenner!
The camera sweeps past the creamy trio of Fay, Jenny and Giulia.
Linda: The passenger’s always right, so rather than taking my own position in the lemon-lime debate, I always ask. And I leave the passenger to add the tonic themselves at their discretion.
Natalie: Hmm, I must say I’m a lemon girl myself.
Clara: Lime for me!
Natalie: Before we get sidetracked, what’s your verdict, Gemma?
There is little doubt in anyone’s mind as to what Gemma’s intentions are, least of all Kaz, who smirks knowing the game is up. What Kaz doesn’t expect is ferocity with which Gemma pummels her overbronzed kisser, nearly knocking her over. It’s a hit with the audience, however, who cheer loudly at the highly-caricatured flight attendant’s just desserts. By the time Gemma is done, she has pushed Kaz someway back from the line-up. Having screwed the pie around her victim’s hair, she slaps what is left of it into Kaz’s prodigious bust, and strolls away looking very pleased with her herself.
Natalie: Now now, Gemma! There’s expressing your feelings, and then there’s being plain violent!
Clara: Siobhan, it’s back to you.
Siobhan sits quietly, stroking her chin as she eyes up the three surviving flight attendants.
Siobhan: You know what? I think all three of these are genuine, so I’m going to call it quits here.
Clara: You can ask a question before you commit…
Siobhan: Oh, okay. Maybe I should I have asked this question first: what inspired you to take up this career?
Rhiannon: Well, I love to travel. I’m also an outgoing person and I love helping people out, so all in all it’s an ideal career for me.
Nicola: To be completely honest, when there are bills to be paid, inspiration doesn’t always come into it. I needed a job, I applied for this one, and I got it… but I’m really glad I did!
As the camera passes along, Kaz is still way behind the line, digging cream out of the crevices in her face.
Linda: My mother was an air hostess before me, back in the glory days of BOAC. So it was natural that I followed in her footsteps.
Clara: Siobhan, after hearing that do you still want to declare yourself done, or do you want to flan one of them?
Siobhan: [after further deliberation] I’m going to declare myself done.
Natalie: No probs. Gemma, it finishes with you. No more questions allowed, but you can flan any – or indeed all – of our remaining hostesses that you so choose. Or do you agree with your mum that they’re all for real?
Agreeing with her mum is something Gemma doesn’t want to be seen doing. She picks up a flan and heads over to the left-hand side of the line-up, where the still-clean Rhiannon and Nicola are standing side by side. She moves between one and the other, looking them in the eye as they struggle to keep straight faces.
Gemma takes a step back and sizes the pair up one last time. Then she turns away. Rhiannon and Nicola breathe out with relief.
Gemma turns and swings her pie, which ploughs into Nicola sideways on. The redhead is left with one side of her head and face unscathed, and the other buried under a mound of pink cream. After a few seconds, she screams in delayed reaction.
Natalie: Didn’t see that coming! Gemma, any more flans to deliver?
Gemma: [brushing off her hands and reseating herself] Nope, I’m done.
Clara: Then so are we! Ladies, please reveal yourselves. Are you frauds or are you for real?
Rhiannon, looking very relived not to get flanned, rips off her name badge. Underneath is another badge which bears the words ‘FOR REAL’.
Rhiannon: I’m for real!
Nicola, still with the side of her head mounded in cream and only one eye visible, ruefully rips away her name badge.
Nicola: I’m for real too!
Kaz staggers back into her place and pulls off her name badge. Underneath is a badge that says ‘FRAUD’ in big letters.
Kaz: Fraud! Bang to rights.
Faye: [flamboyantly] I’m a fraud!
Jenny: [Crossly yanking off her badge] I’m for real! [Addressing Siobhan] And I’ll have you know I’m a full inch taller than regulation minimum height!
Giulia: [Laughing as she pulls off her badge] I am a fraud. Zis is such a crazy; I am ’ere only for ’olidays!
Linda: [triumphantly peeling away her badge] Fooled you both! I’m a fraud!
The camera returns to the contestants as they absorb the revelations.
Natalie: Gemma, you correctly flanned Fay and Kaz, earning you 16 points, but your wrongful flanning of Nicola means we deduct 5, so you get 11 points overall!
Gemma nods contentedly.
Clara: Siobhan, you get 8 points for your flanning of Giulia, but you also lose 5 due to flanning Jenny, leaving just 3 points!
Siobhan looks rather less pleased at this.
Natalie: [turning to the air hostesses] Rhiannon and Linda, well done on avoiding the flans! Especially you, Linda – excellently blagged. Please come and collect your £250 prize money, both of you!
Rhiannon and Linda walk over to Natalie, who hands each of them a golden envelope, while the audience claps.
Clara: Nicola, Kaz, Fay, Jenny and Giulia – no money for you, I’m afraid. But for taking part and being good sports, you each get a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack! [Poses with a snazzy looking box set]
Natalie: Looks like that’ll come in handy!
Clara: Speaking of which, shall we show these ladies to the showers?
Right on cue, the heavens open above the unfortunate five, drenching them in a huge downpour of water.
Natalie: [once the screaming has died down] Now that was a splash landing!
Clara: Aww! Give ’em a big hand as they disembark, folks!
The audience warmly applauds the sopping and cream-streaked women. Kaz and Fay take a bow, while Nicola and Giulia wave and smile. Jenny continues to frown with her arms folded. The five then turn and file off-stage. Rhiannon and Linda follow, smugly clutching their envelopes.
Natalie: Now let’s take a look at the overall scores at the end of Round Two!
Clara: Gemma has 27 points in all, while Siobhan has 23!
Gemma pumps her fists and mouths the word “yes!” Siobhan shakes her head slightly.
Natalie: Gemma, I can see you’re happy at that. After falling behind in Round One, you’ve taken the lead!
Gemma: Well, you know us teens can be a bit slow to wake up. But I’m wide awake now, and I’m on course to put Mum in the sludge!
Clara: Ooh, Siohban, she’s a confident one! But could she be right? You’re on the back foot now!
Gemma: It’s not a huge lead, Clara. And these teenagers do everything in fits and spurts. As a mum, I know all about perseverance. I’m going to win big in the third round, and Gemma won’t be so cocky when she’s facing the sludge!
Natalie: Fighting talk! But it isn’t just Round Three that’s left to go. You’ll remember at the beginning of the show we asked the good ladies and gents in our studio audience for their opinion on your feud. Now it’s time to take their votes in account.
Clara: It works like this: Each of you received a certain percentage of the vote in your favour, not counting abstentions. We’re going to take that percentage, divide it by five, round it to the nearest whole number, and add that number to your score.
Natalie: Oo, bit of a maths lesson there! Got all that?
The contestants nod, suddenly nervous as they realise this vote could have a big effect on their prospects.
Clara: Okay ladies, it’s time to reveal the results…
Natalie: …After the break!
Gemma, Siobhan and the audience groan.