Round 1: Sheer Lunacy
An advert break unfolds, and then a quick set of titles announces the return of the show. The scene that follows features a black sky, under which a cratered, light-grey landscape stretches into the distance. There is a lunar landing module parked to one side, and the foreground is dominated by a large crater (diameter about 4 metres) with a rim around it.
A few sharp beeps sound, and then the presenters’ voices are heard, as if over a crackly radio.
Natalie: I think we’re almost there, Clara.
Clara: Roger.
Natalie: Natalie! Why can’t you get my name right?
The presenters walk onto the set.
Natalie: Whew! That was quite a trek! [Takes a looks around] And I can’t say I’m that impressed at the end of it.
Clara: [surprised] Not impressed to be on the moon?!
Natalie: [shrugs] It’s alright I suppose. But there isn’t much atmosphere!
Cue a few delayed groans from the audience.
Clara: Well I for one am very excited to be here, especially since it’s to commemorate the moon landings fifty years ago!
Natalie: And just think, it was all done in a studio.
Clara: [sharply] I hope you’re not using this show as a platform for silly theories like that!
Natalie: Calm down! I meant this set was put together in the Grudge-2-Sludge studio!
The camera swings round briefly to reveal the audience, then back again.
Clara: Well that’s alright then. Anyway, the eagle has landed, but our intrepid astronauts are yet to take their one small step. Come on girls, out you come!
The door of the lunar lander opens and the contestants clamber out – first April, then Roanna. Their motions are cumbersome because they are wearing bulky spacesuits – white with detailing of their player colour, and the Grudge-2-Sludge logo on the front. The gloves are comically oversized, and with the fingers merged together. One aspect missing from these spacesuits are the helmets, but the neck openings are rigid and circular – and notably wide.
Roanna and April stumble across the moonscape to join Natalie and Clara.
Natalie: Welcome to the first game, ladies; it’s called Sheer Lunacy!
Clara: We’ve made every effort to give you an authentic moonwalking experience, but unfortunately there’s one aspect we can’t recreate, and that’s the low-gravity environment.
Natalie: Don’t astronauts train in water to simulate the lack of gravity?
Clara: It’s funny you should mention that…
The camera moves forward, peering over the rim of the crater to reveal that it is full of water. Dozens of balloons, about the size and shape of rugby balls and of various colours, float on the surface.
Natalie: Ladies, it’s a good thing you rocked up here, because you are tasked with an urgent mission. The very future of earthly civilisation is at stake! Alien eggs have been discovered here on the moon, and they must be destroyed before they hatch and invade us!
Clara: It’s also necessary to take the embryos inside the eggs back to earth to be examined in the lab, but unfortunately you forgot to bring any containers and there’s only one place you can store them.
Roanna: Which is?
Clara: Well, if you examine the neckline of your spacesuit you’ll see it has a strip of sandpaper attached. Hopefully you can see where this is going!
Natalie: Or more to the point, where those eggs are going!
The two women groan as they realise.
Natalie: [Peering into April’s neckline] Got anything on under that spacesuit?
April: Just underwear.
Natalie: Mmm, well things are going to get nice and slimy down there! This should be quite an easy game, even with those comedy gloves you’re wearing, so we’re going to give you just 1 point for each embryo inside your spacesuit at the end of the game.
Clara: You have 90 seconds on the clock. Oh, and one more thing, watch out for moon dust! Away you go!!
A klaxon blasts, and the presenters hurry off the scene. April and Roanna amble over to the crater in their bulky spacesuits. Roanna takes a jump, splashing into the water below, while April takes the more cautious route of clambering over the rim and easing herself down. The water comes up to just below Ronnana’s bust and just above that of the shorter April, but is kept out of their waterproof spacesuits.
The players immediately start grabbing at the ‘alien eggs’ that are floating on the water’s surface. There is no shortage of the things, but the oversized mittens, combined with the water itself, make grabbing onto them difficult. Roanna tries to pick one up but it slips straight out of her hands, while April infuriates herself by nudging a balloon away from herself across the water.
Roanna is the first to lift a balloon, which is purple in colour. Her face bears a squeamish expression as she presses the balloon against her cheek and tries to rub it on the roughened strip around the rim of her spacesuit. It pops easily and Ronanna screams. Although the interior contains enough air to let the balloon float, it is also filled with a generous helping of translucent purple slime, some of which splashes onto Roanna’s face, giving her a purple tinge on one side, while the rest drops inside the spacesuit, together with a small figurine (which presumably is the ’embryo’), causing further shrieks.
April has now raised a balloon, green in colour, to head height. She also wears a squeamish expression, unkeen about having to burst it, but knows she must do so to avoid a far worse gunging later. She turns her face away, meaning that when the balloon bursts, the goo goes into her bird’s-nest hair, turning it a glistening green. Again, a large amount of goo, together with a figurine, drop inside the spacesuit. April bleats as the slime runs over the skin of her torso.
The process continues with further balloons being burst – orange and two blues for April; Red, yellow and another purple for Roanna. The hair and faces of the two women become splotched with colour, and their upper torsos are also slicked with slime. The interior of their spacesuits contains some netting to catch the figurines around their stomachs, but that doesn’t stop the slime itself, which flows onwards over their panties and down their legs, inciting further yelps.
The first 45 seconds gone, April loses her footing, tumbling over and submerging with a splash. She resurfaces, her curly hair flattened and bedraggled, albeit washed of the goo. Of course, plenty of water has entered her spacesuit, and she gasps at the coldness. Roanna chuckles at April’s predicament, causing to April to retaliate by splashing water at her nemesis. The pupils in the audience are loving this – seeing their teachers in silly costumes, getting messy and wet, and now fighting tit-for-tat.
Natalie: Calm it you two! Better have some moon dust!
Grey-white powder duly drops from the ceiling, exploding in clouds and sticking to the water and slime. The women rasp, but when the clouds clear they quickly refocus their efforts on bursting the balloons. Although nobody’s keeping a count amid the chaos, it’s looking to be a fairly even fight, with both women working up quite a pace.
Clara: Ten seconds left! Nine! [Natalie and audience join in] EIGHT! SEVEN!
April and Roanna both lunge for a balloon. Unfortunately, it is the same balloon.
Clara, Natalie and Audience: SIX!! FIVE!! FOUR!!
As the two teachers paw at the balloon, it bursts, spraying both of them with pink goo. The figurine quickly sinks, out of reach of both of them.
Clara, Natalie and Audience: THREE!! TWO!! ONE!! STOP!!!
The klaxon blasts and the pool is bombed by further sackfuls of ‘moon dust’. For a few seconds, the rising clouds obscure all view of the teachers, but spluttering can be heard. Natalie and Clara stroll onto the scene.
Clara: Well that was certainly a giant splat for womankind!
The cloud clears, revealing April and Roanna encrusted in the grey dust.
Natalie: Ladies, if you wade over to where I’m pointing you’ll find there are some footholds cut into the side of the pool for you to climb out.
The contestants beat a path through the dust-covered water and climb the hidden footholds. The water can be heard sloshing around April’s spacesuit as she heaves herself to luna firma. Both women continue to rasp from the dust, and both are breathing heavily from the exertion.
Clara: [smirks] Hmm, maybe we were lying when we said this game would be easy! Well, there’s only one way to find out whether our players put in a stellar performance or made starship bloopers, and that’s to count how many alien embryos they’ve collected. You first with Miss Keats, Nat!
Flashing Clara an annoyed look, Natalie ventures her arm towards the opening of April’s spacesuit, then thinks twice. She takes off her blazer and hands it to Clara, and rolls up her shirt sleeve.
Natalie: You definitely are wearing undies, Miss Keats? [Pulls a sour face as she dips her arm in] I should ask for a pay rise; I was never told I’d be doing this kind of stuff. Right, he we go… One!
Natalie pulls out a slimy ‘alien embryo’ and dumps it on the floor. It has a big domed head and bug eyes.
Natalie: Uggh, what an ugly brute. [Delves back in ] Two! Three! Four! [Continues counting] …Thirteen! Fourteen! Fifteen! Any more down there? [Rumages around, pulling a squeamish face] Nope, that’s it. Miss Keats, you’ve got yourself 15 points!
April thrusts out both arms, causing a splosh of the water in her suit.
Natalie: [drying her arm with a towel provided by a crew member] Alright Clara, it’s your turn.
There are some further logistics as Clara gives her blazer to Natalie and rolls up her sleeve. She sticks her arms into the opening of Roanna’s spacesuit.
Clara Okay… One! [pulls out embryo] I reckon we’re gonna have some moralists complaining about this game… Two! Three!
The players and audience wait tensely as Clara continues to count the figurines, which are more heavily slime-slicked because Roanna’s spacesuit wasn’t breached with water.
Clara: …Twelve! …Thirteen! …Fourteen! Is that all we got? No wait… Fifteen! Dr Darwin, you too have got 15 points!
Roanna shrugs and wags her head from side to side.
Natalie: Well how about that? All that hard work, and you’ve cancelled each other out!
Clara: That’s life, ladies, but there’s another chance to break ahead in Round 2. Now, it’s time for you to take one small step off to the changing rooms!
April and Roanna obediently turn and slosh their way offstage.
Natalie: [to Clara] Phew! That was an exerting game! Good thing the contestants had their arms strong. Geddit? Armstrong?
The audience groans.
Clara: Oh buzz off!
Natalie: No, it was Buzz Aldrin – even I know that!
Clara: [pulling a face to the camera] I think it’s time we returned to earth. See you for Flan the Frauds!
Round 2: Flan the Frauds (Clown Edition)
One title sequence later, and the two teachers are back in the clothes they arrived in. They have been afforded a quick shower, but the odd speck of moon-dust still catches the studio lights. April’s curly hair is noticeably damp and flattened.
The pair of them are standing in front of the still-empty sludge pool, joined by Natalie, while Clara, wearing a pair of lab goggles, stands with her sister, working on the chemistry set.
Clara: Okay, Steph, I reckon that’s as green as we’re going to get it. Begin the filling process!
Stephanie turns a wheel on the side of one of the dome-shaped tanks. The hose dangling into the pool convulses, and spits out a glob of lurid green goo. Stephanie turns the wheel further, and the hose whips around violently as another green gobbet is ejected.
Natalie: Hey, careful! I don’t want any of that coming up this way!
Clara: Yep, don’t turn it up any more, Stephanie. This first bit will be very stodgy, but after that it’ll flow more smoothly. Make sure you give each layer time to breathe before you add the next.
Clara takes off her goggles and walks away. Natalie too begins to usher the contestants to the playing area for this round.
Stephanie: Hey, do I have stay here while this is going on? It smells horrible!
Clara: [over her shoulder] Be thankful you won’t be going in then!
Natalie: [leading April and Roanna across the stage] Food for thought for you, two, eh? But with the scores even-stevens, who knows who’ll be going in!
Clara: Big opportunity to break ahead, though. It’s Flan the Frauds!
The quartet arrive at the set where the familiar armchairs and famous pink and blue pastel-tinted pies are waiting. April and Roanna take their seats in the former. The line-up is already in place, seven figures standing on floor-markers opposite the armchairs. Each is wearing baggy trousers with braces, comically sized red boots, curly wigs of various vibrant colours, and a heavy coat of facepaint.
Natalie and Clara assume their positions between the contestants and the line-up.
Natalie: That’s it, take a seat, Miss Keats and Dr Darwin! The good news for you is that you don’t have to act the clown in this round, but it’s a different story for our line-up! [Gestures the clowns] A flan in the face is all in a day’s work for this lot… or is it? Because while some of our line-up are indeed full-time funnies, others are–
Clara: Nat. Nat! [Taps Natalie on the shoulder] There’s been a change of plan.
Natalie: Eh?
Clara: There’s been a change of plan. If you could just step back here a minute…
Clara takes a confused Natalie by the wrist, and leads her behind the pair of armchairs.
Natalie: This better be good; I was right in my stride… Wha..What’s this?
Clara has taken to Natalie to a cylindrical perspex cubicle – for sure a new fixture to the Flan the Frauds set. She opens a narrow door at the front and gestures with an arm.
Clara: If you would kindly step instead, my dear!
Natalie: Huh?! Get lost!
Clara: It’s important so that you don’t give anything away to the contestants.
Natalie: Give anything away? What are you talking about?!
Natalie looks around at the crew and sees the director signalling to her to obey. Frowning, she steps inside the cubicle, which is only just wide enough for her to stand in, and even her arm movement is limited.
Natalie: I’m going to have words with the director−
Natalie’s voice cuts off as Clara closes the door on her. Her lips continue to move in animated silence.
Clara: [to the audience] The chamber is soundproofed so – ahh, bliss oh bliss! – we can’t hear a word Nat is saying! She can still hear us though, thanks to a speaker inside.
The scowl on Natalie’s face indicates she can indeed hear what Clara is saying.
Clara goes over to a control panel and flicks a switch. Natalie glances up in horror, fearing that something might be dropped on her, but it is from below that she assailed. A jet of air blasts up from a vent in the floor of the cubicle, whipping up Natalie’s hair, and more crucially, the skirt of her school uniform. There’s not much she can do other than try to press it down with her hands as it billows upwards, revealing a pair of white panties, on which a loveheart and the name Stuart are scrawled in blue ink.
Clara flicks the switch and the jet stops. Natalie’s hair flops untidily over her face. She shouts at Clara through the perspex, but not a peep can be heard.
Clara: That got the wind up ya! [Briefly throws the switch again to tease Natalie] Now, ladies and gents, you may wonder what this is all in aid of, other than being very entertaining in its own right! All will become clear in a minute, but first, let’s send off the clowns. Thank you, clowns!
The clowns duly file offstage. One of them parps a horn as he goes.
Clara: Now let’s bring out the true line-up!
From where the clowns went, out walk seven women. But for two exceptions, they are dressed in the burgundy variant of the Grudge-2-Sludge school uniform, as Natalie is wearing. At first Natalie blinks, unable to believe her eyes, then her jaw drops.
Clara: That’s it, ladies, take your places on the markers there. [To the audience] Maybe you’ve worked it out by now, but in case you haven’t, some of these girls – not all of them – were at Middlelowe High School in the 2000s. [Thumbs at the cubicle behind her] The very school attended by our dear Nat!
Natalie is shaking her head and saying something that can’t be heard.
Clara: [nodding to Natalie] And it seems that Nat recognises at least a few of them, which is why she needs to be kept incommunicado. Let’s get the lowdown on the Middlelowe crew!
The camera starts at the lefthand end of the line. Each woman has a name badge pinned above her G2S crest (or in a similar position for those not wearing uniform).
Sinead is very tall, and it seems the wardrobe department struggled to find her a fitting uniform (either that or it is her preference to wear her shirt an inch short of her skirt). Her stature is boosted further by a long neck. Her hair is cut into a curving bob and dyed bright orange. Clear tights.
Sam has long light-brown hair with a simple centre parting. She has a round, cute face which she compliments with round ‘book worm’ glasses. She has a fairly curvy figure, especially around her backside and thighs. Speaking of which, she is the only uniform-wearing participant to be wearing trousers instead of a skirt.
Akua has mid-brown skin and exotic features – mostly African but with a hint of Asian thrown in too. She is short and dinky and possesses a close-cut afro. She is wearing grey woollen tights and has ‘customised’ her school tie by pulling out threads. She blows a pink gum bubble at the camera as it passes.
Mrs Mercator is roughly ten years older than Natalie’s age group, and instead of uniform has on a frilly white blouse, beige cardigan, and dark blue pencil skirt*. She has auburn hair fussily styled with a vertical fringe cut squarely above a similarly square pair of glasses, which in turn sit above freckled cheeks. Tall and slim.
*Grudge-2-Sludge aficionados will notice that this outfit has been recycled from the ‘librarian’ wardrobe used in episode 1.
Ashley has a broad and ruddy face and is athletic in both figure and demeanour. She has curly mid-brown hair, which is pulled almost straight over her scalp by a tight ponytail. Her skirt is short – more like a PE skirt than a proper school skirt – and her legs are tights-free.
Nell is the other woman not in school uniform, and has a further five years on Mrs Mercator. She is dressed in a fluorescent yellow jacket and holds a “STOP, CHILDREN” lollipop sign. She is of fairly large build and has dirty-blonde hair, drawn into a ponytail at the back and with a casual fringe at the front.
Clara: Mmmm, those faces look like they could tell some tales, couldn’t they? And I’m sure they shall, because every participant who is a genuine Nat-knower has been instructed to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but Nat’s terrible teenage truth! But beware – lurking in our line-up are one or more participants who are blissful in their ignorance of the younger Miss Lloyd. We’ve given each fraud half an hour of online time to research all things Natalogical – the mind boggles, doesn’t it? – but they may tell a fair few fibs as well!
Natalie has her arms folded, a very sulky look on her face.
Clara: Miss Keats and Dr Darwin, you know the rules by now, as I’m sure does everyone watching, so let’s get straight on with it. Five points for each correctly flanned fraud; a three-point penalty if a for-real becomes collateral damage. [Turns to line-up] Ladies, you are playing for the £250 cash giveaway, plus of course a clean face. There’s just one complication: our contestants are currently tied on points, so Stephanie will perform a coin toss. Oi, Stephanie!
Stephanie is still in the process of filling the sludge pool. Startled by Clara’s call, she turns the wheel the wrong way, increasing the flow from the hose instead of turning it off. A green glob spurts up and splatters her in the face.
Stephanie: Oh yuuuck!!
Clara: [unsympathetic] Stephane, the coin toss!
Wiping her disgusted face, Stephanie takes a ten-pence piece from her pocket. She tosses it and catches it under her palm.
Clara: Miss Keats, heads or tails?
April: Errr… tails.
Stephanie: It’s heads. [Shows the camera]
Clara: Dr Darwin, the choice is yours. Go first or second?
Roanna: [uncrossing her legs with a smug air] Well Clara, I’m always first to arrive at school in the morning, first to compile my weekly stats, first to meet my targets, so I guess I’ll go first in this game too!
April: [shaking her head] Well give yourself a gold star…
Roanna: [To the line-up] Evening ladies! What was your relationship to Natalie in school?
The camera again progresses from left to right as each woman answers in turn.
Melissa: I sat next to Natalie in maths class. I learnt loads in those lessons… like calculator skills (how to write rude words upside down), mechanics (how to flick an ink pellet without moving your arms), and how to draw with a compass… draw blood, that is.
Sinead: Actually… I didn’t know Natalie that well because she was two years above me. But she was mates with my sister and came round our house a few times.
Sam: [shyly] Sad to say, Natalie used to bully me. I’ve forgiven her though [frowns]… or at least I had until I saw that she hasn’t changed much.
Akua: Equally sad to say, I used to bully Nat. So maybe I’m to blame for how she turned out. [Blows her bubblegum until it pops] I’m not proud of it.
Clara: [chips in] The bullying, or how Nat turned out?
Mrs Mercator: As you can I see, I was one of the ‘big girls’ when Natalie was at school. To be precise, I took her for geography in years 8 and 9.
Ashley: Me, I was on the netball team with Natalie. She was the captain!
Nell: Well, I only saw young Natalie twice a day – when she skipped across the road while I held out my lollipop. Delightful child, she was… though I never saw what she was like in school.
Clara: Mmm, plenty of ways of knowing Nat. But who might be telling a porkie? Dr Darwin, have you got any inkling?
Roanna: [standing up in a businesslike manner] I do have an inkling, yes Clara.
Roanna extends her arms to the table and lifts one of the pies, taking care to keep the tin exactly level. She uses her scientific eye to inspect the mound of pastel-blue cream, then nods in satisfaction. She strides towards the dead centre of the row of the women, straight at Akua, who cringes.
But upon reaching Akua, Roanna takes a right angle right. She strides past Mrs Mercator, who eyes the pie nervously, then slows as she approaches a wincing Ashley. But Ashley too Roanna passes, and it is a sighing Nell who knows the game is over for her at this early stage.
Roanna: Well, Nell, I took good note that this is a high school and not a primary school, and I know from experience that any high school pupil would rather be seen dead – literally, with their entrails strewn across the road – than use a supervisory traffic-management attendant.
April: Translation: Lollipop lady.
Roanna: And I’m sure that was especially true of a teenage Natalie. So farewell, Nell!
Nell jestfully holds her round lollipop sign in front of her face to block the flan, but Roanna responds in her cool deputy-head manner.
Roanna: We can stand here as long as it takes, even if that’s long after hometime.
Smirking grudgingly, Nell tilts her lollipop to one side. Roanna’s flanning action, true to character, is regimented and precise: a firm and well-centred splat in the face, A 90° twist clockwise, then 180° anticlockwise, finished off with a classic pushback onto the top of the head. A large cream beard dangles from Nell’s chin as her mouth opens in shock. Bits slide down her hi-vis jacket. She shakes her head vigorously like a dog, causing globs to fly off while Roanna beats a hasty retreat.
Clara: Oh dear! No lolly for Nell! Miss Keats, I’m sure you have a most eloquent question for our participants.
April: [clears her throat] Don’t know about anyone else, but I’m dying to hear some Natalie trivia. So go on, give us an amusing titbit about the young Miss Lloyd, the weirder and wackier the better!
Melissa: She’s terrified of frogs! [The audience members laugh at this] Oh yeah, really! Once a frog must have crawled into her bag during lunch hour, and it hopped out onto the desk in maths class. She screamed the school down! Ever since then the boys made it their sport to put frogs in places she would find them: 10 points in her lunchbox, 20 points in her PE shorts when she wasn’t wearing them, 50 points when she was wearing them…!
Clara: [breaks in, serious face] Can I just say, that Grudge-2-Sludge does not in any way condone the abuse and torment of innocent creatures.
Akua: [pipes up] Nat’s not innocent!
The camera moves on to Sinead.
Sinead: She used to eat weird combinations of food when she came round my house. Like, uh, jelly and pickle, or banana with sardines. My sister joked that she was pregnant!
Sam: [shy but determined] Sh..she got expelled from another school in her first term. That’s why she came to our school.
Akua: She absolutely hates being called Nat! It was a fantastic way to wind her up; just go “Nat Nat Nat” and before long she’d flip.
Mrs Mercator: She thought that an oxbow lake was one that has soup in it.
Ashley: When you share a changing room with someone you learn all sorts of things, so where do I begin…? [Winks mischievously] Like most teenagers, Natalie went through a spotty phase. Only she didn’t get spots on her face; she got them on her−
The klaxon blasts, drowning out Ashley’s revelation. The camera progresses to Nell, not because it needs to, but because it is amusing to see her continue to shake and flick bits of pastel-blue cream off herself. We are then shown a shot of Natalie, who is incandescent.
Clara: [loving this] Oooo, face of thunder there! But is Nat incensed by the lies or mortified by the truth?! Miss Keats, make your pronouncement.
April gets up from her chair. She is more slapdash than Roanna in picking up her pie, causing a sloppy glob of pink cream to slide off. Like Roanna, she charts a dead-centre course towards the line. Akua bites her lip, hoping that April will make a right-angle turn as before.
But April comes to a dead stop in front of the black woman.
April: Bit disappointed by your trivial titbit, Akua. While it’s undoubtedly true that Natalie doesn’t like being called Nat, it’s also known to anyone who’s been watching this series. So I’m afraid it’s a C-minus for creativity, and a flan in the face!
In actuality, it’s a flan on the head for Akua, because April brings her pie vertically down onto the short woman’s crown, smothering her afro curls in a thick layer of cream and causing more to plop onto the shoulder pads of her blazer. The face isn’t spared however, as there is plenty of cream left for April to slide the tin downwards, in a reversal of the usual manoeuvre. The pink-headed Akua gapes, her eyes wide and mouth even wider as she breaks into shocked laughter.
Clara: But it’s an A+ for that flanning! See, Dr Darwin? Miss Keats does do marking after all! Anyway, it’s your turn for another question.
Roanna: Well, ladies, I don’t think I’d be wildly wrong to suppose that Natalie was a teenage tearaway, so what kind of misbehaviour did she get up to?
April: [reproachfully] There’s no such thing as misbehaviour – only self-expression!
Roanna: [withering glance at April] Alright then. How did Natalie ‘express herself’?
Melissa: She used to let off stink bombs in class! There was one teacher she targeted in particular – old Hardwick who taught history. She used to put them under the cushion on his chair so they broke when he sat down. He never did find out it was her!
Sinead: Yeah, I was gonna say about those stink bombs myself. They were really bad! Luckily I sat by the window.
Sam: Well, her bullying was pretty bad behaviour, I’d say. And I wasn’t the only one; Natalie was quite a tyrant on the school bus. That video you showed at the beginning was true to life!
The camera glides past Akua, who continues to laugh as she scoops cream away from her eyes.
Mrs Mercator: Hmmm… I didn’t notice Natalie misbehaving that much, but that’s because she was so bad at geography she couldn’t always find the classroom [laughs – no-one else does]. Seriously though, she did the usual stuff that Melissa mentioned earlier – talking too much, flicking ink pellets, being a general pest. She never tried the stink bombs on me but I certainly remember hearing about them from poor Mr Hardwick.
Ashley: Sometimes she would put itching powder in the girls’ netball kits. She said it was a punishment for poor performance, but really it was because she didn’t want to be the only one with an embarrassing rash on her [the klaxon blasts again].
Clara: A whole litany of crimes there! I myself can imagine Nat doing any of those things, but Dr Darwin, perhaps you detect some fraudiness that you would like to flan.
Roanna indeed does. She selects another pastel-blue pie and again heads towards the dead centre of the line. Clearly it is not Akua who is in the firing line this time, so the clean women nervously wait to see which way she’ll turn.
Roanna turns left. She walks past a timid-looking Sam. Melissa breathes with relief when Roanna stops in front of Sinead.
Roanna: Sorry Sinead, but inconsistencies don’t get past me. You said you were lucky to sit by the window, but earlier you said you were two years below Natalie, so how could you have been in her class?
Sinead: [blurting] B-because I had the class after hers and the smell was still−
Clara: Uh-uh! No more speaking allowed from the participants! As you were, Dr Darwin.
Roanna executes another precise, clinical and very thorough flanning, rubbing the pie at every angle around Sinead’s head. By the end of it, Sinead’s bright-orange bob has turned to a pair of foamy blue curtains, and her face is well and truly masked. She puffs forcefully through her lips, blowing out a patch of cream, then makes an exaggerated show of sticking a finger in each nostril to snort out through the other.
Clara: Just a reminder to our line-up that they only have one chance to put their point, and that’s when answering the questions. Speaking of questions, Miss Keats, let’s have another for you.
April: I can’t help feeling sorry for poor Natalie back there [cranes her neck round the armchair to peek at the presenter in the perspex cubicle]; everyone’s being a bit mean to her. So, I’d like to ask the participants – even though some of you didn’t get on with Natalie – to find something nice to say about her.
Melissa: Oh, no problem! She was a great mate, she was always a laugh, and she made double maths on a Friday afternoon fly by!
The camera skips past Sinead, who is still clearing her airways.
Sam: Uuummmm… [looks up at the ceiling, struggling to think of something] Well, I know her parents had an ugly divorce during her early teens, so I guess she was having a tough time of it, and we can’t blame her too much for being spiteful.
Mrs Mercator: Although Natalie wasn’t the best pupil in class, she was always very keen when it came to fieldwork. Indeed, I like to think some of the muddy countryside walks I took her on gave her inspiration for Grudge-2-Sludge!
Ashley: The girl was a netball ace. As I said, she was captain of the school team, and she also played for the county. She could dribble the ball past anyone, and she could dunk with laser precision!
Clara: Aww!! I see that Nat’s cheeks are burning! But is it false praise? Miss Keats, your verdict.
April slides off her armchair and equips herself with another pie. This time she walks on a clear diagonal, to the right. Ashley looks around nonchalantly, as if April couldn’t possibly want anything to do with her, but April is unwavering.
April: Funny Natalie was such a whizz on the netball court yet apparently didn’t know the rules. You seem to be confusing the sport with basketball – in netball, dribbling isn’t allowed!
We just have time to see Ashley’s eyes close and her mouth curl in a groan, before April slams the flan into those features. Pastel-pink goo sprays in all directions, onto Ashley’s blazer, shirt and bare legs, and into her hair, and Ashley is even forced to take a step back. April pulls away the tin, revealing a face completely ensconced, but then launches a second attack focussed on Ashley’s hair. She rubs the cream into the woman’s tightly pulled curls, and even smears some into her ponytail.
Clara: Wow! Talk about self-expression! You certainly expressed yourself there, Miss Keats! And now there are just three names left on the register. Dr Darwin, your question.
Roanna: Let’s get onto the question we really want answers to: what were Natalie’s dating habits like?
Melissa: Umm, she usually had a boyfriend on the go, sometimes two. The most serious was lad called Darren who she was with for most of year 11. Come to think of it, he looked a lot like Stuart.
Sam: [Hesitates, then decides to go for it] I once saw Natalie kissing another girl behind the bike sheds. [Gasps and whistles ensue from the audience] Unfortunately she caught me watching her, and that’s why she picked on me ever since. [Takes a deep breath] There, I’m glad to have got it off my chest!
Mrs Mercator: [Eyebrow raised] I don’t know about girls, but Natalie certainly attracted plenty of attention from the boys. As a teacher you’re not supposed to notice these sort of things, but there were plenty of love-notes and glances being passed around the classroom, and the boys had quite a few names for Natalie… which I won’t repeat.
Clara: [whistling] Some bombshells there! Dr Darwin, what do you make of it?
Roanna shuffles to the edge of her seat, then pauses. She extends one arm and toys with the flan nearest to her. She spends a long time examining Sam under a harsh glare, and the mousey girl squirms and blushes. Roanna then gives Mrs Mercator a suspicious look over, but retracts her hand from the pie and sits back again.
Roanna: I can’t be entirely sure, but I think it’s safer to leave things as they are. I’m out!
Clara: Calling it quits? Okay then. Miss Keats, you get the opportunity of the final flan: the faces of Melissa, Sam and Mrs Mercator are yours to sully if you so choose. Dr Darwin said she wasn’t quite sure… but maybe she said that to mislead you. What do you think?
April also sits in pensive silence for a few seconds. Then she rises. Her suspicions, it would seem, are different to those of her rival, for she makes her way to the leftmost of the line. Melissa draws her crooked lips into a wry smirk.
April: Like Roanna, I’m not quite sure, Melissa. But my instincts tell me you’re telling some tall tales, especially about the frogs. All can say is I’d love to have you in my creative writing class.
April’s flan, pastel pink, is planted into Melissa’s face – more softly than was done to Ashley, to reflect April’s uncertainly. Nonetheless, the mess is just as great when the tin is taken away, with Ashley’s face and the front part of her hair buried under a disc of shaving cream. The edges of the disc fall onto her blazer and tight-clad legs. Ashley splutters through the cream. Her swooping fringe has gone over her eyes, increasing her disarray.
Clara: Two more flannings if you want them, Miss Keats. Why stop when you’re on a roll?
April: Nah, I’m done now, fun though that was. [Reseats herself]
Clara: It was fun for everyone. [Glances behind her] Or almost everyone!
Natalie is resting against the wall of the cubicle, her expression ashen and angry.
Clara: But what was Nat fact and what was Lloyd lies? Let’s have the big reveal!
Melissa, still blinded and mute with cream, fumbles at her lapel, trying to locate her name badge. Sinead steps over to help her.
Sinead: [pulls away Melissa’s badge] She’s for real! [Pulls away her own] And so am I. Let me tell you, Natalie’s stink bombs stank out the classroom all day!
Sam: [looking Natalie in the eye as she pulls off her badge] I’m for real too!
Akua: [good-natured] But I’m a fraud!
Mrs Mercator: I’m for real!
Ashley: I’m a fraud!
Nell: I’m also a fraud!
Clara: And there you have it – truth can be stranger than fiction! Still, Miss Keats and Dr Darwin, you did okay there: all the frauds flanned, but you each wrongly flanned a for-real as well. So overall Miss Keats, you get 2 times 5, minus 3 equals 7 points. Dr Darwin, it’s just 5 minus 3 equals 2 for you.
April looks annoyed with herself for her last-minute flanning of Melissa, but cheers nonetheless. Roanna’s button nose twitches a couple of times as she contemplates her lower score
Clara: [rubbing hands together] But hey, let’s get back to these revelations. So wef found out Nat is clueless at geography and misbehaved in maths, she likes dodgy food combinations, and – wow – she kissed a girl and she liked it! And then there’s this thing about the frogs. So Melissa, Nat’s terrified of amphibians, is she?
Melissa: [finally able to speak] Oh yeah. Petrified.
Clara: Petrified, you say? [strokes chin] Well that’s very useful information to know.
Clara continues to stroke her chin and the audience chuckle at her evident mischief. Inside the cubicle, Natalie looks alarmed.
Clara: Oh come on now! Who do you have me for? Of course I’m glad to know about Nat’s phobia because I want to avoid any unpleasant situations. Situations like this, for instance!
As Clara concludes speaking, dozens of green objects drop from the ceiling inside the cubicle, bouncing over Natalie, whose mouth opens in a huge, tonsil-jangling scream (it is testament to the sound-proofing that nothing can be heard). Her body appears to turn to jelly, and her arms flap frantically as she swipes the frogs off of herself. She leaps onto her tiptoes as they land on the floor.
Clara: Don’t worry, folks – they’re only rubber frogs! We don’t torment animals on this show, remember, only humans! And Nat deserves it after what she did to that teacher with those stink bombs! What was his name, Mr…?
Sinead: Mr Hardwick.
Clara: Mr Hardwick, yes. [Calls backstage] You can come out now, Mr Hardwick!
A grey-haired man in a tweed suit steps out onto the stage. Natalie, still twitchy from the fake frogs, stares agog.
Clara: Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge, Mr Hardwick. That must have been quite unpleasant for you, those stink bombs under your chair. And now, after all these years, you know the identity of the culprit! [Gestures Natalie]
Mr Hardwick: Well I always had my suspicions, Clara. Natalie never really took to history – she didn’t like being asked about things that happened before she was born – though she would have enjoyed studying the Vandals if she’d given it a chance. It’s just a pity that she had to disrupt everyone else’s education with her silly pranks.
Natalie has turned rather shamefaced, her cheeks burning.
Clara: Well, Mr Hardwick, it’s time for you to create a stink of your own. [Indicates a wheel on the control panel] Give that wheel a crank and get your revenge!
With a firm hand on the wheel, and an even firmer eye on Natalie, Hardwick obeys. Natalie ducks and puts her hands over her head, fearing something else will dropped on her, but instead wisps of greenish fumes rise from the floor vent. Soon Natalie has straightened up as she tries to get her nose away from the fumes. Her face wrinkles sourly.
Clara: What’s up, Nat? Bit eggy in there? [Laughs] Don’t be bashful, Mr Hardwick; let’s go all the way!
Clara turns the wheel up to the maximum position. The fumes pump profusely into the cubicle, and Natalie’s complexion soon changes from blushing red to nuseated green. Gagging, she bangs on the perspex as a fog forms around her.
Clara: Mr Hardwick, this must be very satisfying for you. Thanks for coming on the show.
Hardwick shakes Clara’s hand and walks offstage. Clara is in her element.
Clara: Aww. Too bad that story about the itching powder isn’t true or I’d have had a field day with that! [Turns back to the line-up] Anyway, congratulations are in order to Sam and Mrs Mercator for surviving unflanned. Excellent grassing on Nat – well worth giving you £250 quid for. Come and get it!
The audience applauds while the two clean schoolgirls leave the line-up and go to collect their golden envelopes from Clara.
Clara: Melissa and Sinead, I wish I could reward you for your dirt-digging, but the best I can do are Grudge-2-Sludge towel-and-toiletry packs to help with your clean-up. Akua, Ashley and Nell, you were very fun frauds so packs go to you as well. Thanks all for taking part, and thanks also to those clowns who turned up to be part of the ruse on Nat. In fact, why don’t we bring those clowns back on?
The clowns duly spring onto the stage brandishing various messy weapons, and surround the five women. Ashley and Nell get pelted with additional flans (the same size and style as those used in the game, but pure white), while Sinead and Melissa are drenched with buckets of slosh. Akua has a bowler hat filled with sloppy cream (which spurts comedically though a hole in the top) plonked on her head.
Clara: Aww, they’re good sports! Let’s hear it for our participant today!
The audience duly applauds as the five stoogettes slip, squelch, flap and flick their way off their stage, while the clowns continue to harrass them with silly string. Sinead and Ashley T follow cleanly behind.
Clara: And now let’s look as those overall scores! Nat…?
Clara looks round. The cubicle is now so filled with green haze that Natalie is obscured and only hands banging on the perspex can be intermittently seen.
Clara: Oh silly me! Better do it myself. Dr Darwin trudges forward onto 17 points, but striding into the lead, it’s Miss Keats with 22!
April raises her arms in the air and whoops, while Roanna’s nose repeats its twitching.
Clara: But could that change with the audience vote? [Looks across the stage] I see that Steph is almost finished dispensing the sludge, so join us after the break for the big reveal! There’s only one question: [looks round at the haze-filled cubicle] Do we free Nat now, [winks] or keep her in a bit longer?