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After the theme song had played itself out once more, the studio lights came on, revealing Kirsty Gallacher dressed in her almost customary black ballgown. Her black hair once again artfully draped over her left shoulder. A wide smile on her face she turned to the camera. “Hello again,” she said, sultrily. “And welcome to the Third Episode of ‘Totally Trashed!’ with me, Kirsty Gallacher. Joining me as co-presenter tonight is my former Sky Sports News colleague Natalie Sawyer.”
Natalie walked on from off-stage, dressed once again in her pink evening dress. Kirsty smiled at her. “Hi, Natalie, I see the dry cleaning worked out OK.”
Natalie laughed. “Yes, it did, Kirsty,” she replied. “But, I’m still glad someone else is going to be copping the pies this time.”
“Too true,” agreed Kirsty with a chuckle. “And without further ado, let’s meet this evening’s sixteen lovely contestants again. Now, starting off with Match Number Nine, we have actress Anne Hathaway versus Victoria’s Secret Angel and computer programmer Karlie Kloss.”
Anne and Karlie walked on from the left of the camera’s view, Anne wearing the same black minidress as she’d worn during the preview show more than a week before, Karlie, however, was wearing, as per the show’s sponsorship agreement, a lace-trimmed turquoise bra and matching tanga-cut knickers. They soon took their seats on the bar-stools from the previous episodes.
Kirsty smiled at them. “Welcome back Anne, Karlie, are you ready for tonight?” she asked with a cheeky grin.
Anne gave a slightly shy smile. “I was,” she answered. “Up until I watched the result show for the first eight matches.”
Karlie’s smile, although wider than Anne’s, still had a nervous hint to it. “Yeah, I can agree with that,” she said. “Those ladies got pummelled by pies. I’m a little scared that either Anne or I will face the same fate.”
Natalie smiled. “Well, you’ll find out later,” she declared. “Now, Match Ten is American popstar Ariana Grande versus British glamour model India Reynolds.”
Both ladies walked on-stage hand-in-hand. As yet another Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show music performer, Ariana had eschewed her minidress from her previous appearance on the show and was wearing a black lace romper over what were probably crotchless tights. In contrast, India was wearing the same knee-length black dress as previously.
Natalie gave them a grin. “So, ladies, welcome back on Totally Trashed!” she said with sarcastic glee. “How are you feeling about tonight?”
Ariana grimaced. “I didn’t quite do the math, when you said that the pie that you and each of your co-hosts got hit with was only three percent of what the losers would face into,” she admitted, ruefully. “But, hey, Kristen seemed to have fun in spite of or was it because of all the mess?”
Natalie chuckled. “That may have been because of what she knew her fiancé was going to do once she was back off-stage,” she suggested, giving the contestants on-stage an obvious wink. “India, how about you?”
The brown-haired glamour model smiled. “Well, I’m really nervous about what might be coming down the tracks,” she admitted. “Although, I have to say it’s strange being somewhere that the girl sitting next to me is making me feel over-dressed!” The audience laughed at that, as Ariana rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at India.
Natalie had laughed along with the audience but now gathered her composure. “Right, now that comedy corner is finished for the moment, it’s on to the Trans-Atlantic Hollywood battle royal that is Match Eleven: Kate Beckinsale versus Megan Fox.”
Both brown-haired actresses walked on-stage wearing the same dresses as they had done for the episode when they’d both been revealed as contestants. They took their seats, Kate with a smug smirk on her face and Megan with a slightly nervous smile, as she crossed her legs.
Natalie gave them both a puzzled look. Why does Kate Beckinsale look so smug? she asked herself. After all, there was a certain chance that the British actress was going to end up messy at some stage in the competition. Natalie shook her head and smiled at the two ladies. “Welcome back, ladies. Feeling OK, Megan?” she asked the nervous-looking American.
How does she think I feel? thought the brown-haired young actress. “Errr, yeah, I guess I’m OK with this, after all it’s going to be good for charity,” she said, as she nervously jiggled her left foot up and down. “I wish that my agent had been a bit more accurate with regards the amount of mess, though.”
Natalie gave her a reassuring smile. “So, it’s a bit more than you were expecting, then?” she said, to which Megan nodded.
At this point Kate cut back in. “What?! The show’s name is Totally Trashed!” she exclaimed, snarkily. “Tell me you weren’t dumb enough not to get the hint in that?!”
Gee, does she have to be such a bitch about it? Megan just ignored Kate’s nasty comment and gave Natalie a slightly wider smile.
Natalie looked at the actress in the knee-length dress. “Right, Kate,” she said. “You seem quite confident.”
“Well, Natalie,” replied Kate. “I feel I’ve got home advantage on this one, so I can afford to be a bit confident. Sorry, Megan, but you hadn’t a hope in hell on this one.”
The Transformers star frowned. Just keep saying things like that, bitch. You’ll put off the viewers and voters and be out before you know it, she thought. Out loud she said, “We’ll have to wait and see, Kate. We’ll have to wait and see.”
Natalie sighed. “OK, after that bit of verbal sparring, Kirsty, could you, please, get us back on track?”
That’s fine by me, Natalie,” replied Kirsty. “Now, we return to an all-English affair for Match Twelve, as actress Emma Watson faces glamour model Rosie Jones!”
Kirsty grinned at the two ladies, as they walked on-stage once again. As before, Emma’s white dress flashed most of her right leg as she walked due to the dress’s skirt being slit to about mid-thigh. Rosie was again wearing a tight black minidress and sheer black stockings as she had on her previous appearance. As the two ladies took their seats, Kirsty walked over and placed her hands on one of each of their shoulders at the same time. “Well, Emma and Rosie,” she said in a stage whisper. “how are you feeling about this, Rosie? How about we start with you for a change?”
“Well, Kirsty,” replied the dark brown-haired glamour model. “I’ve got to admit that, having seen the previous results episode, my stomach is churning so much I think, if I’d eaten much since lunch, I might throw up!”
“Emma, anything to add?” Kirsty asked cheekily.
“Well, maybe it’s after being slimed by Nickelodeon, but this actually looks like it might be fun whatever the result,” replied the Beauty and the Beast star. “It’ll be interesting either way.”
At this point, Kate Beckinsale cut back in. “What do you mean fun?! At the least you get covered in slop from a ton of pies. If you think this could be fun, you’re nuts!”
Emma frowned at the reaction of her fellow British actress. Wow! I didn’t believe the rumours of your bitchiness until now. But, now I think they were understating things! thought Emma, as she shook her head at the older lady. She wasn’t going to let herself stoop that low. Luckily for her remaining respect for the older actress, Natalie cut in at this point.
“And moving on to Match Thirteen,” said Natalie. “We have the star of La La Land, Emma Stone, versus UK glamour girl Amy Green, who just for interest’s sake is no stranger to getting messy having been in four separate shoots for glamour gunge dot com.”
Both contestants appeared once more, wearing the same as they had for the first episode of the season. After they had taken their seats, the audience could tell that, while the red-haired Emma Stone was looking nervously at the pie launching air cannons, Amy was sitting far more confidently. Most of those watching assumed that this came from the fact that she’d been gunged on multiple occasions already.
Natalie smiled. “Welcome back, Emma and Amy,” she said. “What do you think about what’s coming up?”
Emma brushed her short red hair back from her face. “To be honest and a bit blunt with you, Natalie,” she started. “I’ve never been more nervous in my life.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Natalie reassured her. “It’ll be fine, and don’t forget the money to charity. Amy, what are your thoughts?”
“Honestly, Natalie, I’ve got a bad feeling about this!” Amy said. “I dare say that I expect to get fairly well sploshed, by the series’ end, if not before then.”
“Well, that may happen to one of you, ladies!” joked Natalie. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
At this point, Kirsty walked up to her co-presenter and put a hand on her shoulder. “Now, that’s enough chit-chat, Natalie,” she interjected. “It’s time to reintroduce Match Fourteen, which puts glamour model and pro-plus-size women campaigner Lucy Collett against actress Margot Robbie.”
Both contestants walked out towards their assigned bar-stools wearing the same dresses as they had for the previous time the audience had seen them, Lucy wearing red and Margot wearing pale pink. They both had anxious smiles on their faces.
Kirsty gave them both an encouraging grin, which didn’t really help their confidence at all. “Well, ladies, welcome back on the show,” she said with a kind undertone to her voice, momentarily dropping the sarcastic jocularity of previously. “I see you’re both feeling a bit more nervous than when we saw you both last. All I can say is, keep your chins up and you’ll be fine.” She got two brighter smiles in reply. At least I cheered them up slightly, thought Kirsty.
At this point Natalie stepped forward. “Well, we’re through the first six of tonight’s matches. So, Match Fifteen is between supermodel Candice Swanepoel and ‘The Hunger Games’ star Jennifer Lawrence.”
As the next two contestants stepped onto the stage, a chorus of wolf-whistles erupted from the audience. While Jennifer was wearing the same black evening dress with its slit reaching high on her left thigh as she had done for the preview show, Candice, as yet another Victoria’s Secret Angel, was wearing a white thong and white and black lace bra. Both ladies walked confidently out from back-stage and took their seats next to the rest of the contestants on that night’s show.
Natalie gave the smiling model and actress a smile of her own. “Welcome back to Totally Trashed, Jennifer, Candice,” she greeted them. “You look like both of you are ready for this, no matter what comes down the track!” Both of them nodded and smiled in reply. Natalie gave a ‘carry-on’ gesture to Kirsty.
Kirsty smiled once more. “Well, we’re almost at the end of part one of tonight’s episode. It just needs me to introduce the last pair of plucky contestants. It’s Match Sixteen and they are Israeli-American actress Natalie Portman and American country music superstar Taylor Swift!”
Both ladies walked on-stage side-by-side, Natalie wearing the same red dress and black tights combo as she’d worn previously. Taylor, on the other hand, having been a music performer at the VS Fashion Show, had gone for a black bra and high-waisted pair of knickers under a long-sleeved black French Lace chemise with an ankle-length lace train. Those who’d seen that performance remarked that she appeared to be wearing the exact same ensemble. Smiling and waving to the audience, they both took their seats, giving their fellow contestants wide grins.
Kirsty smiled as she watched this. “Nice bit of confidence there, ladies, which is the perfect way to wind up part one of this, the third episode of Totally Trashed. We’ll see you all after the break when we reveal which of these lovely ladies get a Pie Barrage. Don’t go away!” Part of the show’s theme song played as the studio lights dimmed.
A short time later, the studio lights blazed back to life, revealing the sixteen seated contestants and Kirsty and Natalie standing once again at a lectern off to the side and holding a familiar brown and green envelope. Kirsty smiled to the camera when it panned over to the two presenters. “Well, it’s time to reveal which of our contestants stays clean and who gets pied. We’ve received votes from millions of people worldwide. Natalie, could you start us off?”
“Thank you, Kirsty, I certainly can,” replied the brunette in the long pink dress. “I can now reveal that in Match Nine between Anne Hathaway and Karlie Kloss, the contestant going through to Round Two, with fifty-one percent of the vote, is… Karlie Kloss!”
A shriek of triumph split the air from the supermodel. As everyone looked at her, she bashfully covered her face before giving Anne an apologetic look.
Natalie Sawyer smiled encouragingly. “Hard luck, Anne. You’ve been unlucky enough to go out in the first round. How do you feel about it?”
The pale-skinned brunette gave a nervous smile. “Well, Natalie, I’m a little disappointed to be knocked out of the competition already. But, with the number of people who’ve voted, I’m sure there is a sizeable donation going to charity from all those who voted for me.”
<Yes, there is," said Natalie S. "But, now it's time for you to change into a swimsuit of your national colours." With these words Natalie strode forward and handed Anne a, familiar to the audience and at-home viewers, one-piece swimsuit patterned after the stars-and-stripes.
As Anne took the swimsuit back-stage to change, Natalie turned to her vanquisher. “Well, Karlie, we all know how happy you were to go through to the next round. So, all you need to do for the rest of this episode is to sit back, relax and watch as eight other ladies get slathered in pies. How do you like that?”
The turquoise lingerie-clad model smiled at this. “That actually sounds great, Natalie,” she replied with a laugh. “I can’t wait to see who else is getting messed up tonight!”
At this, Kirsty laughed. “That’s letting your fun side out, Karlie!” she chuckled. “Now, let’s move on, and let’s check the result of Match Ten. Wow! I can tell you that this is a demolition job. The winner with eighty percent is Ariana Grande!”
“What?! How did I get that many votes?!” exclaimed the popstar. They have to have made a mistake with the count. But, Ariana quickly realised that this was indeed the actual result and settled back into her seat, feeling stunned.
India on the other hand was shell-shocked. Crap! I’m going to end up like Holly did three days ago! she thought as a grimace momentarily flickered across her face. “Does this mean what I think it does?” she asked, feeling rather worried.
Kirsty gave a faux-sympathetic smile. “Yes, India, I’m afraid it probably does,” she said sarcastically. “With a losing margin of sixty points you are tonight’s biggest loser. As such, it’s time to prepare to be pied in nothing but your knickers. So, lose the dress!”
Quietly cursing her bad luck, India stepped away from the line of bar-stools.OK, India, you’ve worn this much plenty of times before, she thought. Reaching behind her back, she unzipped her dress. With a smile to the audience, India slid the dress’s straps down her arms and let the black silk garment slip down her body and puddle around her feet. This left her in a pair of black tanga briefs that left very little to the imagination and placed her ample bosom fully on view to cameras and studio audience.
Kirsty smiled at the nearly naked woman. “Well, India, you may as well take a seat and wait while the other ladies who don’t get through to the next round get changed.”
As India perched herself back on the bar-stool she’d been sitting on, Kirsty carried on. “Well, that was barely within time,” she said, prompting a series of groans from the audience. “Back to you, Natalie.”
Natalie Sawyer grinned, as she glanced at the next result on the sheet they’d pulled out of the large envelope. “Wow, this was very tightly run. The winner of Match Eleven is, with fifty-point-five percent of the vote, Kate Beckinsale.”
The forty-five-year-old brunette actress grinned smugly. “I told you I had home advantage!” she gloated.
Natalie rolled her eyes. God, we’ve got to listen to more of this from her next round. Help! “Megan, that was very close,” she said, a comforting expression on her face. “But, I’m afraid it wasn’t quite good enough. I can also say that after another vote by the viewing public, you’re going to have to strip to your underwear before we bid you a messy farewell.”
“Thanks, Natalie, I wish I’d been able to go further,” Megan admitted. “But, unfortunately in competition there has to be a loser and this time it was me.” Well, at least I won’t have to listen to Kate anymore.
Natalie gave her a kind smile. “Yes, I’m afraid so. Now, sorry to be blunt, but get on with it!”
With a smile on her face, Megan stepped away from her stunned fellow contestants and strode to mid-stage. Reaching behind her, she pulled down the zipper of the grey minidress. Megan pulled her arms from the long sleeves of the dress and let it slip down over her body to pool around her feet. This left her wearing a black teddy with lacy cut-outs up the sides and more lace over the top of her boobs. With a gesture from Natalie, she retook her seat, as a chorus of cheers and wolf-whistles came from the audience.
Kirsty looked at the contestants that were still in the competition. “And moving on, we come to Match Twelve. I can reveal that, with a margin of fifty-seven-and-a-half percent versus forty-two-and-a-half percent, the winner going through to Round Two is Emma Watson!”
“Wow! Yesss!” yelled the brown-haired twenty-eight-year-old actress, glad she wasn’t out of the competition so soon. “Oh, sorry, Rosie. It’s a pity you’re out this early.”
“No, you’re not,” retorted the dark-haired glamour model. “Although, I can’t blame you! I’d be the same way if our situations were reversed!” Both ladies laughed at their teasing.
Clearing her throat, Kirsty held out another Union Jack-patterned swimsuit. “Well, Rosie, you had a brave showing, but I think you need to go and change.”
Rosie shrugged, took the proffered one-piece swimsuit and walked off-stage with her hips swaying. In the same style of changing cubicle as the other eliminated contestants had been escorted to, she kicked of her high heels and took off her dress. Then, Rosie rolled the tights she’d worn underneath down her legs and tossed them into the same corner as her shoes had gone. She undid the clasp on her lacy black bra and pulled it off her shoulders releasing her pendulous breasts to the air for a few moments, as she slid off the matching black knickers before pulling the swimsuit up her legs. It slid into place cupping her arse cheeks and over her stomach and chest.
Rosie took a look at herself in the changing room’s full-length mirror. Well, I’ll say one thing for wherever they got the swimwear, it’s made to flatter your curves, she thought, turning around to get an idea of how she’d look from behind.
While Rosie was changing, Natalie tried to move proceedings along. “Right, onto Match Thirteen between actress Emma Stone and glamour model Amy Green. And the winner with fifty-five percent of the vote is… Emma Stone!”
The red-haired American actress appeared to sag in relief as this was announced. As Emma calmed down from the release of tension that had turned her body into a coiled spring, Amy burst out laughing, to everyone’s surprise.
The blonde glamour model couldn’t stop giggling at her current predicament. After all, she’d been gunged on so many occasions by glamourgunge, it was not a big deal for her. At least, I’m getting this over with now before they add the extra forfeits on top of all these pies! I don’t think the others have quite realised just how messy they might get before this is over.
Natalie grinned at the giggly blonde. “Well, well, well, Amy,” she said, once the glamour model had stopped laughing. “You’re in high spirits despite everything.”
Amy smiled back. “Ah, you are mostly right, Natalie,” she revealed. “But, has anyone thought about just how much mess awaits the girls eliminated in any of the rounds after this?” This caused a bit of shifting among all of the contestants. A fair number of them didn’t actually want to be reminded of that.
Natalie chuckled when she heard this answer. “Well, that may be so, but it still means that you are due a pie barrage wearing yet another of our blue-white-and-red bodysuits.” She handed Amy the swimsuit with a smile and watched as she walked off-stage to change.
Kirsty walked over and, briefly wrapping an arm around Natalie’s shoulders, gave her a one-armed hug. “Now, up next is Match Fourteen, glamour model Lucy Collett versus actress Margot Robbie,” she said glancing down at the sheet of results. “And the winner going through to Round Two with fifty-five percent of the votes is Margot Robbie!”
Two screams, one of delight and the other of fake horror, came from the two contestants. Kirsty gave a smile of encouragement. “Sorry, Lucy, but this means that you’re facing a whole load of sloppy pies. You’d better go and put on something a bit more revealing and patriotic.” As she said this, Kirsty held out one of the now ubiquitous Union Jack one-piece swimsuits.
Lucy gave a grim smile in return, as she walked up and took the lycra garment from Kirsty’s hand. “Well, here goes nothing,” she said. “Although, I can’t see how I was supposed to win when I ended up against Margot!”
Kirsty looked thoughtful. “Hmmm, I can’t figure that out either, Lucy,” she said with a chuckle. “Unfortunately for you, you’ve been knocked out of the competition, so hurry along, please. We’ve still got two more results to announce.”
Lucy walked off the stage, the blue-white-and-red saltire-patterned swimsuit clutched in her right hand. Natalie watched her leave the stage before turning back to the camera. “Right, moving one we have Match Fifteen,” she announced. “And it’s another strong showing from a Victoria’s Secret Angel or model, as Candice Swanepoel beats out Jennifer Lawrence by fifty-six percent to forty-four. Well done, Candice, you’re through to Round Two. Jennifer, I’m afraid we’re saying goodbye to you.”
As Jennifer stood and walked disappointedly forward, Natalie reached to a shelf under the top of the lectern and retrieved yet another swimsuit patterned after the US flag. Natalie handed over the lycra bodysuit with a small smile. “Something interesting has just occurred to me,” she said.
“What’s that?” asked Jennifer and Kirsty together, both giving each other a bashful smile afterwards.
“Well, going on what’s happened so far in this round, if you are a Hollywood starlet, you don’t want to go up against anyone connected with the VS Fashion Show,” answered Natalie. “That’s if, of course, you want to go further in the competition. But, this may change in a later round.” This statement brought a nervous look to the face of Natalie Portman where she sat next to Taylor Swift waiting for the result of their match. Nodding at Natalie Sawyer in acknowledgement of that statistic, Jennifer accepted the swimsuit and walked off-stage to change into it.
Once the cameras had stopped focussing of Jennifer’s receding figure, Kirsty gave a smile and glanced at the final result. She then turned and frowned at her co-presenter. “Huh! Nice bit of foreshadowing there, Natalie Sawyer,” she teased. “The result of Match Sixteen between actress Natalie Portman and Taylor Swift was almost too close to call. But, with fifty-three percent of the vote, the woman going through to the next round is Taylor Swift!”
The blonde-haired musician gave a fist-pump at this news while next to her, brown-haired Natalie Portman let out a quiet groan. It was clear to those watching that neither lady had wanted to be knocked out at this stage of the competition.
Kirsty grinned at them. “Well, I see neither of you wanted to be knocked out just yet,” she observed. “Congrats, Taylor, you’ll be joining some of your best friends in the next round. Natalie, that didn’t go your way, did it?”
“No, Kirsty, it definitely didn’t,” replied the star of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. “I’m not really looking forward to what’s coming next.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” soothed Kirsty, as she reached down to the shelf holding the swimwear for the forfeits. “Oh, it looks like the people sourcing the swimwear for the forfeits couldn’t find a bodysuit in the colours of the flag of the country of your birth. I’m afraid you’ll be changing into a rather skimpy bikini.” With this, Kirsty handed the brown-haired actress the two-piece swimsuit in question.
Natalie took the blue and white bikini and slowly walked backstage to another small changing cubicle. When she got there, she found that this wasn’t just a bikini in the colours of the Israeli flag but the bottoms were actually a thong. The ‘Jackie’ and Star Wars actress sighed. Great, I’m going to have the world staring at my ass for the rest of the night. As she unzipped her red dress, she briefly wondered why she was on the show. She let the dress fall to the floor then rolled her opaque black tights down her legs. She then unclasped her red bra and placed it on the shelf-like bench in the cubicle where she’d also dropped the bikini. Slipping her black boy-shorts knickers down her legs, she then pulled the thong bikini on, one piece at a time. When she had both top and bottoms snugly in place she looked at herself in the mirror. The bikini fit securely and was decorated in such a way that a blue ‘Star of David’ was on each cup of the top and also on the lycra that covered her crotch. The whole lot was finished off with black or dark blue strings that held it all in place, with one running between her buttocks. This left practically her entire backside on view to anyone looking, much to her chagrin.
After Natalie Portman had walked off-stage to get ready for the next segment of the show, the studio and at-home audiences could see Kirsty glance at her watch. “Well, those are the results of Matches Nine to Sixteen. Join us after the break, when we unleash another Pie Barrage! don’t go away!” The studio audience broke into applause as the lights dimmed.
A short time later, the lights came back up to full strength, revealing Kirsty Gallacher and Natalie Sawyer standing with the eight platforms from the previous episode arrayed to either side of them. Still seated on their bar-stools five feet behind the raised platforms, were the eight ladies who’d been voted through to the next round. As the audience’s applause died down again, Kirsty gave them a wide grin. “Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen,” she began. “The moment you’ve been waiting for has arrived, as we get ready to cover our eight losers in lots of sloppy pie goodness. So, please put your hands together and welcome back out onto the stage Anne Hathaway, India Reynolds, Megan Fox, Rosie Jones, Amy Green, Lucy Collett, Jennifer Lawrence and Natalie Portman.”
The eight ladies walked out onto the stage. Some, particularly India, Rosie and Amy, strode out with an air of confidence. The others especially the lingerie-clad Megan and the bikini-wearing Natalie were less enthused. Natalie in particular appeared to almost drag her feet as she stepped up onto the designated platform.
When the eliminated contestants had mounted their platforms, Natalie Sawyer turned to the camera. “Now that they’ve all stepped up to the plate, as they say in the States, it’s time to release a fair few pies. As before, we’ll proceed in match order, starting with lovely Anne and finishing with the delightful Natalie. So, audience let’s set about turning Anne nice and sloppy in five…” She and Kirsty raised a hand with all fingers visible, as the audience chanted along with them. “Four… Three…Two…One…”
Anne Hathaway cringed as the countdown began. Only three feet away from her and pointing right at her face was one of the loaded pie-launching air cannons. She wrung her hands, as the chanting hit three. Then, with a loud cry of ONE and the rushing sound of pressurised air being released, the first chocolate cream pie rushed towards her and exploded as it made contact with nose, mouth and cheeks. As the pie’ pastry crust crumbled, the combined impact of the cream and pastry rocked her head back in surprise. Anne had only recovered from this first pie strike, when two more hit her in the chest, splashing sweet, sticky apple and blackberry filling over her breasts. Then, before she knew what was happening, rushing air could be heard from two cannons behind her. A pair of pumpkin pies smashed into her arse, turning her lycra-cupped buttocks orange and sending spatters up her back and down the back of her thighs. She let a shriek of shock at the force it had hit. Almost instantly, custard-and-cream pies sandwiched her head on each side before a lemon meringue pie exploded against her crotch and another pumpkin pie against the back of her head completing the destruction of her hair and spreading a wave of orange goo down her back to meet what had splashed upward from the pies that had hit her backside. The pies kept flying from the air cannons until Anne had been hit by all thirty pies and turned into a vaguely human-shaped, multi-coloured pillar of slop.
Kirsty looked at the blob of goo that had been the well-known actress and smiled at the next girl in the line-up. “Well, Anne got completely covered in crud and slop. Are you ready, India?”
The brown-haired Englishwoman shrugged her shoulders. “I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, Kirsty.”
“Well then, let’s put you out of your misery,” joked the dark-haired Scot. “If you would, audience?”
Another countdown began. When it finished, the first pie that hit India’s face was a lemon meringue with a two-inch topping of soft gooey meringue. Meringue and lemon custard filling coated her face and the edges of her hair. As she began to reach up to wipe some of the lemony slop from her eyes, India felt the sting of two custard pies exploding over her naked breasts, spraying cream and custard all over chest and shoulders. A couple of seconds later, two chocolate cream pies smashed against her arse turning her butt-cheeks a creamy brown mess. Then an apple pie smashed into her crotch, destroying the front of her knickers with lumps of sugary fruit. Blackberry pies sandwiched her head, adding a layer of purple slop to her face and turning most of her hair a bright purple. Over the next minute, the remaining twenty-two pies in the cannons completely turned her into a creamy, fruity, chocolatey blob.
Natalie Sawyer gaped at the state the glamour model had been left in by the pies. “Whooaahh! That’s a lot of gunk!” she exclaimed, before calming down. “Anyway, next up we have Megan Fox in a gorgeous teddy. With me, please, audience. Five… Four…”
Megan squirmed as the countdown began. Oh, why did I sign up for this?! I didn’t really want to have to get messed up like this. Before she could think much more than this, a pumpkin pie slammed into her face, followed shortly by two to her chest. As a result, within about six seconds, Megan’s face and upper torso had been turned a pulpy orange. A pair of key lime pies smashed into her bottom, coating her ass-cheeks with the creamy lime pie filling and crumbled pieces of biscuit pie crust. Seconds later, a chocolate ganache pie smashed into her crotch, coating her intimate regions and stomach with rich thick chocolate and lumps of pastry and pulling a scream from her throat. This repeated with pies flying at her from all directions. Shortly, after the thirtieth pie had hit, Megan was left as a brown, orange, white, yellow and purple blob of slop and other mess.
Kirsty smiled at the increasingly more anxious losing ladies who still remained clean. “Well, Rosie,” she inquired. “Are you ready to stop being so clean?”
“Oh, God help me, no!” replied the brown-haired Miss Jones, absent-mindedly twirling a lock of her hair around her left index finger.
“Well, the pies are still coming your way. Right, audience?” Kirsty waited for the subsequent roar of approval to die down. Well then, we’ll release Rosie’s Pie Barrage in Five… Four… Three… Two…One!”
As Kirsty’s and the audience’s countdown ended with a cheer, the first pies were fired from the air cannons. Within seconds, Rosie’s careful make-up had been obliterated and she was covered from head-to-toe by inches-thick layers of white, brown, yellow, purple and green pie fillings. Slowly, Rosie reached up and wiped her eyes clear. She took a single long look down at her pie-covered body and shuddered. “Holy crap!” she stage-whispered. “Where did they get those from?!”
“The local bakery actually, Rosie,” laughed Kirsty. “Back to you, Natalie.”
Kirsty’s co-presenter smiled. “Amy Green, get ready, ’cause here come the pies in Five…” Natalie and the audience once again counted down and when they finished, thirty pies turned Amy Green from a blonde bombshell into an unrecognisable blob of creamy goo.
Kirsty Gallacher smiled as she looked along the line of celebrities. Her gaze came to rest on the curvy-figured, red-haired Lucy Collett. “Well, Lucy, it’s that time of the competition for you,” she taunted, her Scottish roots coming through in her speech. “Prepare yourself, lassie. You’re about to get very messy in… Five…”
Lucy squirmed as the countdown began. Oh, well, at least this bodysuit will hopefully keep some of me clean, she thought, not quite realising just how sloppy all the pies that were coming her way actually were. As she heard the first rush of air from the air pie cannons, she screwed her eyes tightly shut, only to feel a wave of cream and pastry burst over her face. She couldn’t help it and let out a squeal in shock just before more pies engulfed her breasts and backside. When a sixth slammed into her crotch, her eyes flew open, as cold custard seeped into the lower parts of the swimsuit. Lucy gasped as the mess seeping down the inside of the lycra garment eventually flowed into her pussy. More pies kept coming, adding more and more creamy and sticky mess to what had gone before. When the last pie had splattered over her bum, Lucy was left, like Anne, India, Megan, Rosie and Amy before her, as a multi-coloured blob of gloopy sloppy mess.
Natalie Sawyer looked over the handiwork of the pie cannons and couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. “Well, ladies and gents, our celebrity contestants have been well and truly covered in mess so far,” she said, laughter bubbling through her voice. “But to finish up the night we have two Hollywood starlets, starting with Jennifer Lawrence! Audience?” She asked sweetly and they didn’t need anymore prompting.
The countdown began as Jennifer looked around, as though she were frantically trying to find an escape route. But, as the audience’s count reached ‘one’, the sound of the air cannon in front of her brought her attention back to it just in time for the first pie to fly from its gaping, to her, maw. This and the following pies quickly turned her into nothing but a pile of gunk.
As the last pie smashed into Jennifer’s body, Kirsty Gallacher stepped from behind the lectern and over to a visibly shaking Natalie Portman. “Aaaawww! Why so scared, Natalie?” she asked in faux-sympathy. “Actually, I know why you are. It’s time to face more pies than you’ve probably ever seen in one place before. Are you ready?”
“I’m about as ready as I’ll ever be,” replied the Jerusalem-born actress. As she said this, the audience, as they’d done for Kristen Stewart on the previous episode began their ominous countdown without being prompted. As they finished, the first pie flew this seemed to have a bit more force behind it as it staggered Natalie backwards, nearly making her fall as the cream, custard and pastry smashed into her face. As a result of this, one of the pies aimed at her chest completely missed. Natalie barely noticed, though, as the rest of the pies splattered all over her. As the last pie hit, she carefully wiped her eyes and looked around in surprise. “Er, I think there’s a pie missing,” she said nervously, as she spotted Kirsty and Natalie Sawyer picking up a pumpkin pie each from a table that also held four jugs of something green and lumpy.
Kirsty gave her a sad smile. “Yes, I’m afraid there is, Natalie,” she said, pointing to the actress’s left where the errant pie had exploded on the floor in a wide spray pattern. “And, although that may have been due to someone over-pressurising that first pie cannon, rules are rules. So, you will get another two pies and your, in this case, bikini bottoms will be filled with some very lumpy slop.” With this, the two presenters shoved the pies they carried into Natalie’s chest, adding a fresh layer of orange pulp to what already covered that area of her body. Then both of them picked up their first jugs of mess.
Natalie Sawyer couldn’t help smiling. “In case those of you watching at home are wondering, these jugs are filled with that perfect accompaniment to fish and chip, mushy peas,” she taunted the now squirming actress. “Which should feel very interesting for the rather brave Miss Portman here. Could you hold out that thong please, Natalie?”
With a grimace on her face, the brown-haired actress did so. Before she could think, both presenters had tipped the jugs they held and flooded her bikini bottoms with mushy, buttery peas which pressed into every crevice of her intimate regions. The mushy green slop quickly filled the triangular front of the thong. Natalie Sawyer and Kirsty Gallacher looked at each other and smiled, they knew what to do with the other two jugs of peas. Lifting them higher than they had the first, they tipped out a cascade of mushy peas over Natalie Portman’s head. The peas flowed down over her hair and face, adding a fresh layer of lumpy green slop to the creamy, sticky, fruity mess that already coated her body. With all of the mess that covered her, no-one would have recognised her if they didn’t know that it was her under all the slop.
Giving the eliminated gungees a once-over, Kirsty grinned. “Well, we’ve just seen eight more gorgeous ladies get completely covered in slop,” she paused for a chorus of cheers from the audience. “Anne Hathaway, India Reynolds, Megan Fox, Rosie Jones, Amy Green, Lucy Collett, Jennifer Lawrence and Natalie Portman have been messily eliminated from the competition and we’ve more to come. Join myself and Georgie Thompson in a couple days time as we reveal the results of Matches Seventeen to Twenty-four and dole out some more pie-shaped goodness. See you then, good night!”
The camera zoomed out, as both presenters waved to the cameras and audience along with the relieved-looking ladies who were still in the competition. The audience’s applause and cheers could be heard, as the camera tracked over the messy blobs that were the eliminated celebrity contestants. The studio lights dimmed as the strains of the show’s theme were piped into the studio.
Author’s note: Here’s Episode 3. I hope I’m not getting too repetitive with this. Feedback is always welcome.