All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
In these days of ludicrous disclaimers, I’d better say that nothing said in Flan the Frauds should be taken as serious safety or lifesaving advice…
ROUND 1: Jackass Lanterns
The TV viewers are subjected to a round of adverts, and then the show returns in an archetypical haunted house setting, replete with candlestick, cobwebs, coffins, skeletons, suits of armour, portraits with moving eyes, and a gothic-style window behind which bats are silhouetted against a huge full moon.
With a blood-curdling creak, a great oak door slowly opens. Out of the swirling mists beyond, Natalie and Clara enter the set.
Natalie: Ooh, nasty weather out there! I couldn’t see my own knockers in that fog, and it’s hard to miss a big pair like mine!
Clara: No need to boast, Nat. Size isn’t everything.
Natalie: Oh, but it is, Clara. The bigger one’s knockers, the easier they are to grope for in the dead of night! [Puffs her chest with pride] Many of my visitors say they’ve never laid hands on a bigger pair!
Clara: [caustically] The trouble with big knockers, Nat, is that they tend to sag with age. Look!
Clara taps one of the brass knockers on the door. It tilts downwards with a creaking groan.
Clara: [derisively] See? Sounds like your knockers need oiling, too! [Peering around the cobweb-strewn set] In fact, you’ve really let the housekeeping slide generally.
Natalie: Yeah well, there was no point tidying up when things are about to get messy in here. Speaking of which, where are Simon and Sarah?
Clara: I think they had to wait until midnight so they could turn into pumpkins. Ah, here they come now!
Through the fog of the doorway, Simon and Sarah reluctantly emerge, to laughter from the audience. Both are wearing grinning jack-o-lantern costumes, which form a bloated orange sphere from waist to neck (a ruff of green leaves adorns the latter), with their forearms sticking out of the sides. Their legs are clad in orange tights. The pair waddle sheepishly into the room, bumping off one another in their clumsy costumes.
Natalie: [smirking] Look at that – from a pair of knockers to a pair of plonkers!
Clara: Not sure why you’re looking perturbed, Simon; I thought you liked wearing custom outfits!
Natalie: Sarah, I know you don’t like parties, but we couldn’t let Halloween go by without having one. So welcome to Castle Grudgula, and to our first game – Jackass Lanterns!
Clara: It’s a traditional Halloween game of apple bobbing. The only difference is that you’ll be bobbing as much as the apples!
Clara gestures in front of her, and the camera swings round to reveal an obstacle course. The first stage is a shallow pool of water, about two foot deep, in which green foam ‘apples’ are floating. On the other side are a series of ‘cobwebs’ made of white elastic ropes, and beyond that a pit of flour with a net draped over it.
Natalie: Simon and Sarah, your job is to collect apples from our Pool of Peril, take them through Arachne’s Lair, and then through the Flour Pit of Doom!
Clara: Upon reaching the end, you must deposit your apple into the skull of your colour, before returning the way you came to collect another.
At the end of the obstacle course, two large, coloured skulls are fixed into the floor. Each has a small hole in the top into which the apples can be dropped.
Natalie: The golden rule is that you must do all picking up and carrying of the apples with your mouths. Any use of your hands will be severely punished!
Clara: This being a tricky game – as you’ll soon discover – we’re going to award you 3 points for every apple you deposit.
Natalie: But beware, as you scramble to collect the treats, there’ll be one or two tricks in store for you!
Clara: So, if you get yourself into starting position please…
The two human pumpkins shuffle towards the edge of the pool, continuing to barge and knock each other as they vie for prime position.
Natalie: Oh, and keep the physical antics to a minimum, cos Clara doesn’t want to have to go in there to sort you out!
Clara: [Glaring at Natalie] Nor will I! You have 90 seconds on the clock, starting… NOW!!
Natalie and Clara hurriedly vacate the area. Sarah steps into the pool, and gets down onto her front. Simon – whether by accident or design is unclear – flops off the edge, causing a big splash. The pair start snatching at the floating apples with their teeth, and quickly realise it is no simple task, with the rigid pumpkin costumes making it hard for them to get close enough to the precious fruits. The costumes seem to be weighted at the front so that the players are pront to return to the horizontal position; they see-saw up and down with their legs waggling behind them. Natalie and Clara laugh at the sight.
Simon is the first to get his chops sunk into an apple. He struggles to his feet, and half runs, half staggers to the edge of the pool. Climbing out, he finds himself having to negotiate the tangle of elastic cords, his progress made yet more arduous by silly string spraying at him from either side.
Clara: Old Arachne doesn’t like being disturbed!
Simon reaches the flour pit and lifts the net to crawl underneath. The flour sticks to his wet costume, and, as fans begins to blow, to his face too. He splutters, at one point dropping the apple.
Natalie: Looks like the wind is getting up on a night like this!
Meanwhile Sarah has clambered out of the pool, an apple in her mouth, and is being subjected to the barrage of silly string. Nonetheless, she makes quick progress of the gauntlet and is catching up on Simon as she burrows under the net.
Simon reaches the other side and drops his apple into the red-coloured skull. He crawls back into the flour, and there is an awkward moment when he and Sarah get tangled up with each other, enveloped by the flour blizzard, before she shoves him aside and continues towards the end, dropping her apple into the blue-coloured skull.
The game continues with the players bungling back and forth in their bulbous pumpkin costumes. On more than one occasion they clash, more by accident than deliberate confrontation. The pool of water becomes increasingly clouded with flour and draped with silly string and other mess. As promised by the presenters, a number of ‘tricks’ befall the contestants. At one stage, some bright-orange ‘pumpkin goo’ splatters onto Simon as he struggles through the spiders’ webs, while Sarah is targeted by some luminous ‘ectoplasm’. Somewhat bizarrely, at one point a load of fake bats are tossed onto the playing area.
Throughout it all, Simon manages to maintain a lead of about half a course on Sarah.
Clara: Ten seconds left!
Sarah, on her front in the pool, realises she has little prospect of getting another apple to her skull in time, but continues bobbing determinedly all the same.
Natalie, Clara and audience: NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN!…
Simon, on the other hand, scrabbling under the netting, knows he has a realistic prospect of making it to the end with his apple. He kicks up a flour storm as he fights his way through.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …SIX! FIVE! FOUR!!…
Simon leaps for his skull, dropping his apple through the hole like a dog performing a trick. He the rolls in his costume on the floor.
Natalie, Clara and audience: …THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!
A buzzer blasts.
Natalie: STOP!!
Simon slumps on the floor, spitting flour between his beard. A bedraggled Sarah gets to her feet in the pool, water running out of her costume and down her tights.
Natalie and Clara carefully walk onto the set beside the end of the obstacle course.
Clara: Whew! Now that was some house of horrors!
Natalie: [chuckling] It’s certainly left our contestants looking frightful!
Clara: But how well have they done? Let’s crack their skulls open!
Natalie crouches beside the red skull and undoes a hidden catch, causing the skull to split in two. A collection of apples, soggy and flour-dusted, roll out.
Natalie: One, two, three, four, five! It doesn’t look much for your efforts, Simon, but it’s got you out of the blocks with a cool 15 points!
Simon wearily cheers and raises a thumbs-up.
Clara: And Sarah, let’s count yours… [Kneels beside the blue skull and undoes the catch] One, two, three, four. Not bad, but not as good as Simon – 12 points!
Although Sarah already knows that she only deposited four apples, she nonetheless purses her lips in disappointment. Simon cheers again and sticks his tongue out at her. Sarah responds by picking up an sodden apple from the pool and lobbing it at him.
Natalie: Oi! No need for that!
Clara: Right, Nat and I are heading off to prepare for the next round. We’ll leave you two to find your own way backstage; hope you’re not afraid of the dark!
The scene begins to fade as Clara and Natalie walk off.
Natalie: [turning and wagging a finger at the contestants] And no fiddling with my knockers on the way out!
ROUND 2: Flan the Frauds (Lifeguard Edition)
A title sequence shows several shifty-looking cartoon figures sneaking down a dark alley, only to have pink and blue pies thrown in their faces. Splatters of cream on the screen spell out “Flan the Frauds”. We then see Simon and Sarah, changed back into their work uniforms and sitting in armchairs. They have hastily showered and dried themselves, although their hair still bears stubborn streaks of flour from the previous game.
Several king-size pies are laid out on tables in front of the contestants, mounded high with shaving cream in a pastel shade of either pink or blue. The camera swings around to reveal the potential targets of these pies: seven women in bright-red one-piece swimsuits, standing equispaced in a row.
Natalie and Clara enter the set.
Natalie: Here we are in Round Two of tonight’s Grudge-2-Sludge match – our regular slot, Flan the Frauds. Simon and Sarah, you’ll be relieved to hear that you won’t be dressing up or getting messy in this round. Instead, that role falls to our line-up of lifeguards here!
Clara: None of these ladies know our contestants, nor each other. They arrived here a few hours ago, expecting an evening of shallow entertainment, but we’ve thrown them in at the deep end!
The audience groans.
Natalie: Let’s meet them, shall we?
The camera sweeps from left to right along the line of women, who remain silent. Each has a prominent name badge affixed to the left shoulder strap of her swimsuit.
Anne-Marie is a twenty-something in possession bright red pouty lips, big blue eyes with heavily mascara’d lashes, and ear-length platinum-blonde hair that swishes in time with her hips. The figure in her swimsuit is dainty but perky.
Judy is around forty. She has shoulder-length honey-brunette hair and a curvy figure, with thick thighs and an E-cup chest that drags down her swimsuit to reveal a long line of cleavage. She tries to put on a serious face for the camera, but cracks into giggles as it passes.
Hannah has long straight blonde hair with dark roots showing. She is the tallest of the line-up at a good six foot, and bulky in build, mainly muscle rather than fat. Her face is ruddy and resolute. Late twenties.
Evie is of African origin with very dark skin and intricately braided hair. Approximately thirty years of age, she is of average height and build. She strikes a confident pose with her hands on her hips.
Lynzey is at the younger end of her twenties. She has pale and heavily freckled skin and a boyish figure under her swimsuit. She casually tosses her long, loosely-curled red hair over her shoulder as the camera passes.
Soo-Jin is Asian, likely Korean, with short black hair. At 5 foot she is by far the shortest of the line-up, and is also of a petite build, but the gutsy expression on her face compensates for lack of size. Her age is hard to determine; she is probably older than she looks.
Natalie: Mmmm! They all look bedazzling in their swimsuits, don’t they? But who would you really want to sweep you into their arms in stormy waters?
Clara: You see, there’s a crucial difference dividing our line-up: each participant is either a genuine, currently active lifeguard, watching over a beach or swimming pool near you…
Natalie: …Or has never guarded so much as a paddling pool in her life – a fraud!
Clara: We’re not saying how many of these ladies are frauds and how many are for real, other than that there is at least one of each category.
Clara: Simon and Sarah, as I’m sure you’re aware, it is your job to sort the buoyancy aids from the dead weights!
Clara: To do this, you will take turns to put questions to our line-up. You can question them on almost anything – or get them to perform an action, within reason – but you can’t ask directly whether they are frauds or for real, or whether they think their fellow participants are.
Natalie: Any participant who is for real will answer you honestly and to the best of her professional ability…
Clara: …Whereas any who is a fraud will do her utmost to bluff and deceive you into believing she is genuine, armed with only 30 minutes of online research time!
Natalie: After considering the participants’ answers, you can choose one of the line-up to mark as a fraud. I’m sure everyone knows how this marking takes place, but if you’re not sure, take a look at these beauts!
Natalie gestures the tables of flans. The women in the line-up giggle nervously.
Clara: Once a participant has been flanned, she is out of play. The other contestant then gets a turn to put a question to the remaining participants.
Natalie: Alternatively, if after asking your question, you don’t want to dispense any more flans, you can declare yourself done. At which point, your opponent will have the opportunity to flan any number of the remaining participants as they see fit, but can’t answer any more questions.
Clara: Only when the game is over will our participants confirm their true natures. For each fraud you’ve correctly flanned, we’ll award you 5 points, but beware: if you wrongly flan a genuine lifeguard, we’ll fine you 3 points!
Natalie: Simon, you may be 3 points ahead of Sarah, but that lead could easily be swept away in this round. On the other hand, Sarah could sink even further!
The audience groans again.
Clara: [Turning to the line-up] Ladies, I trust you’ll prefer not to have flan in your ear-holes, down your cleavage, and everywhere else in between. But in case that isn’t incentive enough, any of you who manage to convince both contestants, rightly or wrongly, that you are for real, will win a £250 cash prize!
Natalie: So, is everybody clear about everything?
The two players nod, as do the seven lifeguards.
Clara: Then let’s quit dipping in our toes and jump right in!
Another bout of groaning.
Natalie: Simon, you have the lead, so the decision is yours: play first or second?
Simon: [without hesitation] First. Ladies, we all appreciate the services you provide [smirks a little], but ideally you shouldn’t be needed. Please can you each provide a piece of advice on how to swim safe?
The camera starts on Victoria.
Victoria: [in a brusque manner] Don’t overestimate your abilities or underestimate the water.
Anne-Marie: [fluttering her eyelashes at the camera] Make sure you wear lots of suncream.
Judy: [stiffling a giggle] Uh, don’t swim on an empty stomach.
Hannah: Don’t jump into water unless you know what’s beneath the surface.
Evie: Beware of currents taking you unawares.
Lynzey: [raising an eyebrow] Beware of currents taking your underwear!
Soo-Jin: [In a feisty voice] Always pay attention to the signs, then everything will be super awesome!
Clara: Some sage advice there – possibly. Simon, be a pieman!
Clara gestures the table of huge pink flans in front of Simon, who eagerly picks one up. He surveys the line-up in front of him, evidently spoilt for choice for flanees, but after a few seconds he heads purposefully towards the left-hand end of the line. Anne-Marie’s cheeks redden as he comes to stand in front of her.
Simon: Thanks for the advice about suncream, Anne-Marie, but it’s not really relevant to swimming, is it?
Anne-Marie: [breathily] Oh, but I’m the lifeguard who thinks about everyth–
Natalie: Uh-uh! The time for answering is over! Simon, do what you have to do!
Anne-Marie puckers her lips and flutters her eyelashes at Simon in a “you wouldn’t” pose. Simon, however, would… and does! The 18-inch disc of shaving foam and the its encircling splatter covers the whole of Anne-Marie’s face, upper chest and shoulders. Simon subsequently pushes the flan upwards onto the top of her head, burying her swishy blonde hair as well. He pulls away the foil tin and steps back to admire the result. Anne-Marie lets out a surprised squeak as her mouth opens on her cream-mounded head.
Clara: Talk about suncream – she got loads of it! Great flanning, Simon. Sarah, it’s time to hear your question.
Sarah: Good evening, ladies. Earlier, Clara mentioned that you might be lifeguards at a beach or swimming pool, which are obviously very different environments. So could you each tell me a bit about your specific work situations?
Victoria: [curtly] I’m a pool supervisor at a public swimming baths in the West Midlands. I spend most my time blowing my whistle at idiots who swim in the diving area.
The camera sweeps past a pink and squealing Anne-Marie.
Judy: Uh, I’m a beach lifeguard in Penzance, Devon. [Breaks into a little giggle] I have a lot of surfer dudes who get into trouble showing off, so I’m kept busy.
Hannah: I’m also a beach lifeguard, but at Skegness. Tends to be a family crowd, so it’s mainly about keeping kids safe, though I also have the occasional drunk dad to deal with.
Evie: I’m a watersports lifeguard at Lake Windermere. I get to meet a lot of cool people.
Lynzey: I’m actually a freelance lifeguard, so I go around guarding lives wherever lives need to be guarded.
Soo-Jin: I work at [something in Korean] Water Park in Seoul. We have second-highest water slide in Asia – it is super awesome! I am here in UK for special training!
Natalie: Okay, quite a variety of answers there, but Sarah, who do you think is deserving of your flan?
Sarah gets to her feet and lifts one of her flans. Like Simon, she appears spoilt for choice, but plumps for Judy. The large lady begins to giggle uncontrollably as Sarah holds the giant mound of pastel-blue cream in front of her.
Sarah: Couple of clangers from you there, Judy. First of all, I’m pretty sure the rule is “don’t swim on a full stomach.” And secondly, the Cornish will be delighted that you put Penzance in Devon. And really, you seem a bit giggly to be a lifeguard!
Judy’s eyes close and her giggling intensifies further as Sarah draws back the pie. It forcefully engulfs Judy’s head, sending cream flying outwards and backwards into her hair. Sarah releases her hold on the tin, and it slides down, smearing blue over Judy’s chest and the ample cleavage between her massive boobs. These wobble as Judy clucks with laughter, blobs of cream sliding inside her swimsuit.
Natalie: Supersize flanning there! Simon, it’s your next question.
Simon: Suppose I get into difficulty in the water. How are you going to deal with me?
Victoria: Jump in, pull you to the side, and give you a good ticking off. And no, you’re not getting a kiss of life.
The camera sweeps past the still-pink Anne Marie and the blue and giggling Judy.
Hannah: Assess the situation, enter the water at the safest point, swim to the victim, move them to safety, and perform first aid as required.
Evie: Good points so far. Just want to add there’s a special stroke called sidestroke which is useful for pulling people to safety.
Lynzey: [glancing disdainfully at Simon] A minnow like you? Well, I’d spend a bit of time laughing at you before jumping in to save your ass.
Soo-Jin: No one have trouble at [Korean name] Water Park, because everyone have super awesome time! But if bad happen, I jump in and make everything super awesome again!
Clara: Hmm, super awesome. But were those answers awesome? Simon, what you gonna do?
This time Simon has no hesitation in reaching a decision. He grab a pie and strides straight over to Lynzey, who seems to be expecting him.
Simon: Well Lynzey, you appear to lack the serious attitude required of your role. And for calling me a minnow, you really deserves this flan!
Lynzey fixes Simon with a moody look seconds before he slams the pie into her face, sending goo spurting in all directions. He screws the pie tightly against her face before pushing upwards into her hair. Round and round her head he massages the tin, making sure Lynzey’s ginger curls get completely filled with the goo. The audience cheers at the thorough smothering he is giving her.
Clara: Okay Simon, that’s enough…
Simon reaches behind Lynzey, pulls open the back of her swimsuit, and drops the remainder of the pie inside. Lynzey’s mouth opens to a shocked ‘O’.
Natalie: SIMON! Don’t get carried away, lad!
Simon backs off, grinning at Lynzey, who flicks cream at him in retaliation.
Clara: Well, that was a spirited flanning! Sarah, next question from you.
Sarah: As some you have already hinted, the lifeguard lifestyle probably isn’t as glamorous as TV makes it out to be. What would you say is the pet peeve of your job?
Victoria: Chlorine. In my hair, drying out my skin, making my eyes hurt… horrible stuff!
Hannah: The cold. And I don’t just mean in the water; I mean sitting on a windswept beach all day in early March. Normally I wear a lot more than a swimsuit!
Evie: People who get caught out by the tide. [Rolls her eyes]
The camera passes Lynzey, who is shuffling with her hands behind her back. The pie tin has fallen all the way down inside her swimsuit and is against her bum.
Soo-Jin: Lifeguard duty at [that Korean name again] Water Park is super awesome, except it mean I cannot go on super awesome rides myself!
Natalie: Well you can’t have everything. Sarah, what’s your response to those responses?
Sarah selects a pie and confidently approaches Evie, who pulls a nervous grimace.
Sarah: Sorry, Evie – you were doing so well! But I think it would be perfectly forgivable if somebody got caught out by the tide at Lake Windermere!
Evie groans and puts her hand to her forehead. Sarah gently pulls the hand away and then pummels Evie with the flan. The light-blue cream forms a vivid contrast with the black girl’s dark skin, as it blankets her face and upper shoulders. Sarah then slides the pie to the top of Evie’s head, filling her braided hair. Evie grins through the cream and slowly shakes her head.
Natalie: Bit of a blooper there from Evie! Three participants left, and it’s Simon’s turn for another question.
Simon: [keenly] I can ask them to do an action, right? Okay ladies, let’s see you do the butterfly stroke.
The three remaining participants look around in bemusement.
Simon: Like, properly – down on the floor.
Clara: [with a suspicious frown] Simon, why exactly do you want to see these women in swimsuits get on their fronts…?
Simon: [raising his palms] Hey! Butterfly is a niche stroke, so I want to see if they can do it!
Hannah: [butting in] Doing a stroke on a solid floor isn’t the same as doing it in water, and besides, butterfly isn’t really used in lifesaving.
Natalie: It’s up to our contestants to decide on the relevance of their questions, whatever their, ahem, reasons for asking. So Simon says do a butterfly stroke!
The three women lay down on their fronts and make a few awkward thrusts of their arms and legs. If Simon doesn’t take advantage of the view in this position, the camera certainly does.
Clara: [as the ladies stand up again] Well I hope that was, uhh, useful for you, Simon. Choose one of them to flan, or remember you can call it quits if you want.
Simon, picking up another mounded pie from his table, doesn’t want to call it quits. He eschews the women at either end of the line and makes a beeline towards the centre. Hannah pulls a sour face.
Simon: To be fair, none of you three made an elegant job of that, but the fact that you protested about having to do it makes me suspicious!
With that, Simon slaps the flan into Hannah’s front and face. Standing with her hands on her hips, the brawny lass is unmoved, even when Simon massages the cream into her hair. Simon walks off, leaving the pie tin on Hannah’s face. Hannah slowly raises a hand and pulls it away, spitting out a glob of cream.
Clara: And then there were two! Sarah, your next question please!
Sarah: In a way, being a lifeguard is a bit like being a manager in that you get to make people follow rules. What’s your favourite rule, and why?
Victoria: “No petting,” because it raises a chuckle and has kids asking what it means…
Soo-Jin: At […] Water Park we have only rule – be super awesome! Cos every day at […] is super awesome day!
Natalie: Sarah, the choice is yours – flan or finish?
‘Flan’ is Sarah’s choice, and the petite Korean on the right-hand side of the row is her specific target.
Sarah: Perhaps I’m making a mistake here, Soo-Jin; perhaps you really are super-awesomely loyal to your employer. I’d love to have someone like you working in my supermarket, but then again, I find it a bit too good to be true. So have a super awesome flan!
Taking advantage of Soo-Jin’s height (or lack thereof), Sarah plonks her pie hard on the crown of Soo-Jin’s head. Pastel-blue cream plops down in all directions, coating Soo-Jin’s face, chest, shoulders and the back of her hair. Sarah leaves the pie tin in place like a hat, while Soo-Jin gapes in surprise.
Natalie: Ah yes, the top-down approach – always effective! And we’ve just one participant left! Simon, ask Victoria a question.
Simon: [shrugging, out of ideas] Uhhhh… who was your favourite character on Baywatch?
Victoria: Stephanie – always the most capable.
Clara: It’s a straight choice, Simon – flan Victoria or spare her. But remember if you spare her she will be offered up to Sarah for flanning.
Simon: [stroking his beard as he deliberates] Uhhhhh… Victoria’s been the most convincing in my view, so I’m going to spare her.
Natalie: Okey dokes. Sarah, you also get the choice to flan Victoria or spare her.
Sarah sits pondering for a moment, then gets up from her chair. She picks up a pie and pauses, regarding the tattooed, curly-haired women, who stares sternly back at her. Sarah runs her finger along the edge of her pie tin, closes her eyes and sighs in indecision. Then, Sarah returns the pie to the table and herself to her chair.
Sarah: I’m going to agree with Simon on this one.
Clara: Right then! So we’re all done, finally!
Natalie: That was the first time we’ve got through seven questions. Lots of flans delivered, but were they delivered to the right face? Participants, please reveal whether you are frauds or for real!
The camera starts on the still-clean Victoria, who smugly peels off the outer layer of her name badge to uncover “FRAUD”.
Victoria: Fraud!
Off camera, Sarah tuts. The camera progresses to Anne-Marie, first to get flanned and still heavily covered. Anne-Marie pulls away her outer badge in a flirty manner.
Anne-Marie: Fraud!
The camera moves on to Judy, similarly covered but in blue instead of pink.
Judy: [between giggles] Fraud!
Hannah: For real! [Jabs a creamy finger at Simon] If you end up in the sludge don’t call on me to rescue you!
Evie: [grinning in good humour] Fraud!
Lynzey: [still attempting to extricate the pie from the back of her swimsuit] Fraud!
Soo-Jin [raising a double thumbs-up, proudly wearing her pie tin hat] Super awesome fraud!
The audience utter in surprise as they take in the unbalanced nature of the line-up.
Natalie: Wow! More frauds than an investment bank!
Clara: Yep, we do say there only needs to be one for-real, and this time there was! Although that didn’t save her from getting a flan!
Hannah pulls a resentful face.
Clara: Let’s see what’s this means for our contestants’ scores!
Natalie: Simon, you correctly flanned Anne-Marie and Lynzey, getting you 5 points apiece, but, for wrongly flanning Hannah, we’re going to take 3 points away from you. So, all in all, 7 points!
Simon nods, his lips drawn into a tight line.
Clara: Sarah, I can see you’re annoyed with yourself for not going for Victoria, but overall you did very well there. Three correct flannings means 15 points!
Sarah smiles broadly.
Natalie: Yep, things went swimmingly for Sarah! As they did for Victoria, who superbly defrauded our contestants to become tonight’s only winner of our £250 payout. Come and get it!
Now a lot less stern-looking, Victoria goes over to Natalie and claims her golden envelope, to applause from the audience.
Clara: Anne-Marie, Judy, Hannah, Evie, Lynzey and Soo-Jin – no money for you, I’m afraid. But as a thank you for taking part, and to help you clean off the flan, you’re each going to get a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack, courtesy of our sponsers! [Holds up a swish box-set containing a range of branded toiletries and two white towels embroidered with the Grudge-2-Sludge logo]
Natalie: On which note, shall we show these ladies to the showers?
The flan-covered women groan as they realise what this means. A second later, a small lagoon of cold water is dumped on them from above, washing off about half of the cream, but also causing them to scream and spasm.
Natalie: Good thing they’re wearing swimsuits!
Clara: Let’s hear it for our line-up, folks – they’ve been super awesome sports!
Continuing to gape and exclaim from the frigid downpour, the dripping women file off stage, to hearty cheering and the odd wolf-whistle from the audience. Victoria follows on behind – clean, dry and clutching her cash.
The scenes returns to Simon and Sarah, sitting in their armchairs.
Natalie: Two rounds down! Let’s see how the scores add up.
Clara: Simon now has 22 points, but Sarah has taken the lead with 27!
Simon rakes a hand through his waxed hair, a troubled expression on his face. Sarah casts a superior glance in his direction and puts her knuckles from each hand to her mouth to blow on them.
Natalie: [sucking through her teeth] Ooo, Simon, you seemed rather cocky at the end of round one – not so much now!
Simon: [Quickly straightening himself and putting on a defiant air] Hey, I made one mistake but I’m going to fight it back!
Clara: Sarah, you’ve got a nice lead of five points. Do you sense victory?
Sarah: [calmly] I always see a task through to the end before I declare “job done”, but Simon is very right to be worried!
Natalie: Strong words from both sides there, but let’s not forget we still have the big-scoring third round to go, as well as the results of our audience vote.
Clara: Indeed Nat, and those voting results are all ready to be revealed!
The studio lights dim and dramatic music plays. Simon fiddles with his beard and even Sarah appears a bit anxious.
Natalie: But there’s nothing like an advert break to add to the suspense, is there?
The contestants and audience groan.