Hello all. It’s great to see a recent resurgence in stories on this site, and after a taking a break from WAM writing myself, here’s the start of something new from me – a kind of spiritual successor to Comeuppance. Depending on how it is received and how I feel, I might use a forthcoming series as a vehicle to reopen commissions, by inviting readers to enter their own character pairs for a modest payment. If not, then hopefully this pilot will stand alone as a fun story.
The characters in this tale are fictional and any resemblance to real people is coincidence.
Director: And… action!
The set lighting commences its elaborate opening sequence. The audience, warmed up by support acts and prompted by overhead monitors, breaks into raucous applause. A camera sweeps the scene from on high. The stage is divided into different sections, in which games lay ready to be played, but dominating at the stage’s centre is a large oblong pool and its very colourful contents. Archways stand on either side of this pool – one rimmed in red, the other blue – each with a staircase leading down to stage level. It is through these archways that two women simultaneously emerge, to showers of sparks and ever louder applause.
The woman emerging from the red archway is wearing a short dress of a similar shade of red. She is tall and leggy, in her late twenties, and has long platinum-blonde hair in loose corkscrew curls. Big blue eyes and a wide mouth of dazzling teeth reflect a larger-than-life personality. Some viewers vaguely recognise her as the presenter of a few trashy late-night shows, as well as for her role in an incredibly annoying PPI advert.
The woman walking out of the blue archway is correspondingly attired in a blue dress – mid-length and single-shouldered. She is in her early twenties, short and petite, and has straight dark-brown hair cut to shoulder length. Her skin is slightly olive in complexion, and her facial features are delicate and well-proportioned. She exudes a calm confidence about herself, despite this being her TV debut.
The two women descend their respective staircases and meet with a slightly clumsy high-five at the front of the stage.
Blonde: Good evening!! She’s Clara Quick!
Brunette: And she’s Natalie Lloyd!
Natalie: Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge – a brand new show that sets out to settle life’s long-running rancours!
Clara: We’re here to offer everyday people with everyday grudges the chance to settle their differences, in a duel of brains, brawn and everything in between!
Natalie: For those who prevail, there will be prizes!
Clara: [Glances behind herself at the pool of gunge] And for the outplayed, there will be punishment!
Natalie: So let’s get on and meet our guinea pigs, I mean our first-ever contestants! In the red corner, we have an eighteen-year-old sixth-form student from Kettering. Please welcome Gemma Smith!
A tall girl (though not quite as tall as Natalie) strides out of the red-rimmed archway. Gemma has on a scarlet crop-top that shows plenty of mid-rift and chest at the front and is strung-up at the back. On her lower-half she is wearing a black mini-skit and fishnet tights. Her straight, dark-brown hair reaches slightly past her shoulders and is styled in a feathered cut with a swooping fringe. Her face is heavily and somewhat inexpertly made up. The only item of clothing Gemma has compromised on is her shoes; they have flat soles instead of the usual heels she would wear for going out. She bounds down the steps two at time, meeting Natalie at the bottom.
Natalie: Nice to have you here, Gemma. Now, who is it you have a grudge against?
Gemma: [putting on a stern manner] My mum, Siobhan.
Clara: Then let’s bring her on! In the blue corner, it’s forty-year-old Siobhan Smith, who works as a veterinary receptionist.
A woman with a clear facial resemblance to Gemma enters from the blue archway, grinning and waving both hands to the audience. Siobhan is a similar height to her daughter, and despite her greater years, boasts a figure just as trim and skin just as smooth. Siobhan’s dress-sense can be described as ‘designer casual’; on her top half is a red halter top that cuts low to show a respectable touch of cleavage, while skinny-fit jeans showcase her shapely legs and butt. An inch of mid-rift is on show between the two garments. On her feet are a pair of upmarket trainers. Siobhan’s hair is a similar length to Gemma’s, but of a lighter shade and permed. Her make-up is more subtly and skilfully applied than the teen’s. Continuing to wave, Siobhan descends the steps and is greeted by Clara.
Clara: Siobhan, welcome! Your darling daughter here says she has a grudge against you. How do you respond?
Siobhan: [feigning a world-weary expression] Believe me, Clara, the feeling is mutual.
Natalie: Hmm. Sounds like you have some woes to unburden, Siobhan, but first let’s hear from you, Gemma. What’s this grudge all about?
Gemma: Well Natalie, let me explain…
A video-reel commences. The scene is a typical town-centre street at night-time, with various pubs and bars and young people hanging out. Gemma, dressed in the same outfit she is wearing in the studio, strolls towards the camera.
Gemma: [addressing camera]
I turned eighteen four months ago,
And adulthood is fun.
There’s just one thing that’s in the way,
And that’s Siobhan, my mum.
Next scene: A montage of Gemma strutting into a living room wearing various outfits: a boob tube and micro skirt, an Audrey Hepburn cocktail dress, a punk t-shirt held together with safety pins, a super-scanty Brazilian carnival costume, and finally a chicken suit. Each time Siobhan, sitting in an armchair, shakes her head sternly and Gemma storms out of the room.
Gemma: [voiceover]
When I go out on Friday night,
Mum vets the way I dress.
She won’t allow me out the house
If I show too much flesh.
Siobhan wags her finger and talks at Gemma, but the video is sped up so it looks like she is madly ranting. Gemma merely folds her arms and rolls her eyes.
Gemma: [voiceover]
And then there comes the lecture:
Eat plenty! Don’t mix drinks!
She says it every single time;
I’m still a child, she thinks.
Next scene: Gemma sitting in the pub with a few friends. Her phone rings; she looks at the caller ID and sighs. Then the door opens and Siobhan marches in. Gemma reacts in horror.
Gemma: [voiceover]
Mum never ceases phoning me,
When I’m out on the town.
She’s even come into the pub;
I’ll never live it down!
Siobhan stands over Gemma, wagging her finger. Gemma’s friends start laughing and film the scene on their phones. Gemma buries her face in her hands.
Gemma: [raising her face from her hands and speaking directly to the camera]
I know that Mum means well enough,
But she makes life a drudge.
So help me get her off my back,
And sling her in the sludge!
Back in the studio, Gemma nods affirmatively. The audience boos and hisses at Siobhan, who smiles and slightly shakes her head.
Clara: Oooh, Siobhan, you are one strict mum! By the way, do you disapprove of what Gemma’s wearing now? Got a lot of flesh on show, hasn’t she?
Siobhan: [looking Gemma up and down] Actually that’s one of her more modest outfits. I’m not a prude, but sometimes Gemma wants to go out wearing less than I have on for underwear!
Clara: Mmmm, we’ll say no more on that subject! Is it really true that you go into the pub to check up on Gemma? That must be so embarrassing for her!
Siobhan: Only once, and that was for good reason: she’d forgotten her mittens and I didn’t want her hands to get cold!
Audience: AAWWWWWW!!
Gemma: [turning red] Mum! Stop it!
Clara: That’s very sweet of you, Siobhan, but I think Gemma would choose chilly hands over the never-ending ribbing her friends are giving her. Shouldn’t you be giving her a bit of personal freedom, now that she’s an adult?
Siobhan: Well Clara, if Gemma wants to be treated like a grown-up, she needs to behave like one. Listen to my side of the story…
Another video-reel plays.
Scene: The living room, Siobhan sitting in her armchair. On the table beside her are several angelic school photos of Gemma.
Siobhan: [directly to the camera]
My daughter may have come of age,
But still she needs to see,
With freedom must come something else:
Responsibility.
Gemma enters the room and gets on her knees beside the armchair. She shakes a few copper coins from an otherwise empty purse and wrings her hands together. Siobhan sighs and takes a twenty-pound note from her own purse.
Siobhan: [voiceover]
Come every Friday evening,
Gem’s begging me for cash.
She’s run up quite a tab with me,
From going on the lash.
Next scene: A darkened bedroom. Siobhan is asleep in bed, wearing a nightcap. A telephone on the bedside table rings and jolts her awake. Groggily she picks up the phone and rolls her eyes as she holds it to her ear.
Siobhan: [voiceover]
At three o’clock in dead of night,
She’ll phone and wake me up.
She’s spent her bus-fare in some bar;
Please would I pick her up?
Next scene: Another bedroom, this one with posters and teen-oriented decor. Sunlight streams from outside but the curtains are drawn. Gemma is lying in bed, looking pale and pained. Siobhan comes in and puts a cup of tea on the bedside table.
Siobhan: [voiceover]
If Gemma had a weekend job,
I might grant her some space.
Instead she’s too hungover
To even show her face.
Gemma takes a sip of the tea and instantly clamps a hand over her mouth. She leaps out of bed and runs to the bathroom, making wretching sounds. Siobhan pulls a disgusted face.
Siobhan: [shaking her head and directly addressing the camera]
I only want what’s best for Gem;
That’s why I’m right to judge.
Some discipline will set her straight,
So sling her in the sludge!
Back in the studio, it’s Gemma’s turn to be booed. She shakes her head and pouts, while Siobhan nods with a satisfied smirk.
Natalie: Oh dear, Gemma! That was a very sickly complexion you were sporting there! And it puts a different complexion on your story, too, doesn’t it? You don’t want your mum to phone you, but it’s fine for you to call her when you want a taxi service!
Gemma: Well, if Mum lent me more money, I’d be able to afford the bus and then she wouldn’t have to come and fetch me!
Siobhan’s jaw drops at her daughter’s audacity.
Natalie: Ooh! Your mum doesn’t look impressed with that response, and she already addressed that point in her video: she says you should get a weekend job and pay for your own nights out.
Gemma: But, if I had to go to work on Saturday, I wouldn’t be able to go out on Friday anyway, would I? [Wears a ‘checkmate’ expression]
Natalie: You could always drink less. By the way, are you hungover now?
Gemma: [indignant] No, my head is clear and I’m ready for action!
Clara: Glad to hear it, because both of you will be seeing plenty of action on this show! This disagreement is clearly putting a strain on your relationship, and there’s only one way to decide who is in the right and who is in the wrong: by competing for points in three rounds of gruelling, taxing and somewhat humiliating games!
The audience whoops.
Natalie: Whichever of you comes out of the ordeal with the most points will take home a certificate declaring the grudge settled in your favour!
Clara: And not only that – you’ll win a fabulous prize too!
Natalie: Gemma, how does a week’s holiday in Mallorca for you and three mates, free from your mum’s control-freak clutches, sound to you?
Gemma: [eyes light up] Oh, that would be awesome!
Natalie: Well, that’s the prize you can look forward to, but only if you win tonight!
Clara: And Siobhan, how about a relaxing week for you and your partner at a luxury hotel and health spa in the Scottish Highlands, where you can forget all about acting as banker, taxi driver and nursemaid?
Siobhan: [with a blissful expression] Ooh, yes please!
Clara: Well, win tonight’s contest and we’ll gladly oblige!
Natalie: But we don’t like losers to be left out, do we, Clara?
Clara: [shaking her head shrewdly] Oh, that we don’t, Nat.
Natalie: Yes, for tonight’s loser, an alternative excursion awaits. Come this way!
Natalie and Clara lead Gemma and Siobhan towards the large oblong pool that dominates the stage. It is surrounded by a knee-high wall, but is evidently set much deeper into the stage. Behind the pool is what looks like a medieval catapult, drawn back in the primed position, but instead of the usual bucket on its end there is a chair, facing towards the gunge. To the side, overlooking the pool from on high, is a plush throne.
Natalie: Behold, the Sludge Sling! It’s fully automated and patent pending, and waiting to fire its maiden salvo!
Clara: Tonight’s winner will have the supreme satisfaction of burying the grudge, by catapulting their rival into the sludge! Ewww, look at that!
The camera sweeps over the surface of the gunge, which blends between regions of pea green and sickly yellow, together with the odd splotch of pink or light blue. The surface is shiny and uneven in height, suggesting a very thick consistency like set custard. Gurgling and slurping are audible, though it isn’t clear whether this is an added sound effect or actually coming from the pool.
Clara thrusts a pole into the mire and stirs it around, churning up the vivid colours. When she withdraws the pole it is coated a thick layer of the goo.
Clara: [pulling a face as she inspects the contaminated end of the pole, keeping it a safe distance from herself] Now that is nasty!
Natalie: And what the TV cameras don’t pick up is that it is none too fragrant around here! Gemma, don’t you lurve the smell of rotten cabbages in the morning?
Gemma: [looking slightly worried] Eugh!! No thanks!
Clara: And Siobhan, what do you think of our sludge?
Siobhan: [smiling nervously] It looks a bit like the toilet bowl after one of Gem’s nights out.
Natalie: Oh, and it’s every bit as unpleasant, I can assure you! Now, I think that’s everything explained. Clara, have we missed anything out?
Clara: Well there’s the audience vote, Nat.
Natalie: But of course! You see ladies, your performance in the games won’t be the only thing that seals your fate, because we’re also going to take the democratic process into account. Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you’ve listened to both sides of the story, and no doubt you’ve formed some opinions on this pair!
Clara: [holds up a hand] But don’t shout out! Instead, you’ll each find a keypad in front of your seat, on which we’d like you to vote for the contestant you agree with.
Natalie: So, if you believe that it’s every teen’s inalienable right to party, and our meddling mum merits a major mucking, press the red button marked “I side with Gemma.”
Gemma nods vigorously to the audience.
Clara: Or, if you think that mother knows best, and this drunken daughter deserves a disciplinary dunking, then press the blue button labelled “I side with Siobhan”.
Siobhan gives the audience a hopeful thumbs-up.
Natalie: Vote now!
Over the next fifteen seconds the audience members hunch over their keypads as they make their decision.
VOTE HERE:
One vote per reader, please. Poll closes Sunday at 10 pm.
Alternative link
A buzzer sounds.
Clara: Okay, the votes are in, but we’re going to keep them under wraps until later in the show.
Natalie: Ladies, before you go and prepare for the first round, do you pledge to put up a fair fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Clara and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?
Gemma: I do.
Siobhan: I do.
Clara: Then let’s see you shake on it!
Smirking a little, the two women face each other. With the pool of gunge as a backdrop, they extend hands and shake on the deal. A camera-click sound effect plays and the picture freezes and turns sepia.