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“Welcome back, we’ve got the lovely ladies, Kelly Nerve and Emma Lodge. They first surfaced four years ago, where we saw a glimpse of what happened that one night at the guild of students. Since then they’ve been gunged in so many ways, I don’t know if they keep count anymore,” Emma shook her head to confirm Colin’s suspicions, “And they’ve even managed to bag a few celebrity gungings to boot. They both agreed to come on this show and answer a few questions. How you feeling girls?”
“Great, can’t wait to get started,” Emma replied, with Kelly nodding beside her.
“Well let us start at the very beginning. Can you describe your first experiences with gunge?”
Emma smiled. “Sure Colin. Back when I was 9, there had been one day where it’d rained so much that the field beside the playground was one giant mud bath. Me and a friend were playing, running around as children do, when I tripped in the mud. I don’t know why, but I vividly remember the mud being so soft on my skin, and it felt strangely amazing. It’s a feeling that stayed with me as I grew up.”
Kelly laughed gently. “I can’t remember a specific incident like Emma, I just remember various TV shows as a child. There was Live and Kicking, which brought in the gunge tank at one point, and I remember watching kids in the tank, and wanting to go on. Never got a chance like, but it did provide the first taste of what was to come.”
“So how did you guys meet then?”
“Well, in a number of coincidences you won’t believe are true,” Kelly said, “Emma and I grew up in the same village just outside Manchester, although we ended up going to two different schools. We did both end up at The University of Birmingham though, Emma studying Physics while I took English. We both joined the Fetish society there, and had plenty of fun there.”
Emma interrupted, “Actually, while we did join that society, we never really talked much to each other to start off with. However there was a Splosh meet in Brum that November. Of course, we both ended up going along with our boyfriends, and we found out that all four of us had grown up in the same area, with only Eddie being from a different village. That got us chatting, and before we knew it, we were organising club nights with my coursemate George.”
Colin looked at Emma. “And of course, that brings us on to the early days, when you were still University students, although I understand that by this point you knew of Peter’s wealth. What was it like in that first story, in what was to become two icons?”
Kelly laughed. “I’m not really sure how to answer that. To us, it was us revelling in our exhibitionist natures, getting gunged in public like that. It was fun as well, I mean after all, it’s hard to forget your first time.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Colin said. “Alright, let’s talk about some of the gunge tanks you have at your mansion. There’s some that look familiar, and others less so. Talk us through where you got the ideas for some of the tanks.”
Emma spoke up. “Well most of our ideas come from copying others. Some come from TV shows, like the dunk tanks we have are modelled off one of our childhood shows, Get Your Own Back. Others come from stories we read, like the tank we’ve brought in today. And some are simply ideas that have popped into our heads, although I sometimes don’t know what Kelly was thinking when she designed it.”
“Hey, you enjoyed that tank many times, even if we had to finally rip away the decorative statue.”
Colin looked directly at the camera. “If you don’t know which one that refers to, you simply don’t want to know.” Looking back at the girls, he continued. “Later on, you began to introduce celebrities into the stories, and you’ve managed to gunge some top names. Why did you open up what is in truth a very private thing to the public?”
Kelly pondered this. “Well Colin, it’s like this. It wasn’t so much that we just invited the celebrities in, more that The Voiceover Man got hold of some power, and all of a sudden, we had the ability to gunge celebrities. I think it started when we did that quiz show, what was it now?”
“Eddie vs. Peter, Kelly. That’s when we first heard The Voiceover Man. It didn’t bother us too much, we always love having other people to gunge, and most of them revel in the fun, especially since the few leaks of what happened look suspiciously like fiction, in a very obscure corner of the web.”
Colin nodded, understanding this corner well. “You mention The Voiceover Man, who as we have come to know, is also the author of the piece, PML. What’s your relationship like with your author?”
Kelly smirked. “Stranger than Fiction.”
Emma shook her head, slapped Kelly lightly, before saying, “You know, sometimes movie references are not the answer. To be honest, it’s a fun relationship. Sometimes you get the chance to peek ahead at the story, sometimes you even get to influence how the story will go. It’s a self-aware feeling, that you know you’re just a character in a story, while at the same time having fun being that character. And I suppose on the other hand, PML gets to ‘live’ some fantasies through us, like a room full of gunge tanks, or his favourite celeb getting gunged.”
Colin nodded. “Yes, I can see the advantages of that. Ok, we’ve got some questions for you from the Blog for you to answer. First up, Hugh asks, ‘If you could cross over into another WAM series, which would it be and why?’”
Emma looked up. “You know, we’ve already had our fair share of crossovers. We recently supported a friend of ours, Rachael, when she went on there with her Idol, Kelly Clarkson, and I’d just like to point out, my good friend here was not named after her, that’s just a happy coincidence.”
“Just like you weren’t named after the Hermione Granger. But yeah, we did have a crossover series all planned out, but someone glitched the only written copy of what happened. Nevermind that though. If I was to say somewhere I wanted to visit, I’d love to appear on Suzi’s Slop Drop. I bet that would be a right laugh.”
Emma laughed at that prospect. “Yeah, I agree, Suzi looks like she has so much fun, and we’d have so many tales to talk about.”
“Cool. Although since you mention Match and Mess, what was it like not being involved so much?”
Emma looked at Kelly. “Oh, we got involved, but we can’t really talk about that. The producers told us we need to let the story of what happened get posted before we can say owt.”
Kelly said, “Yeah, we’re just hoping the author hurries up, we really want everyone to know what happened.”
Colin looked to one side, then back to his guests. “I understand. Anyway, we have another question from a Mr. Freely. He asks ‘What are the chances of The Ramp being recommissioned for another series?’”
Kelly sighed. “The ramp, that’s one of our favourite series. We’d never say never, but I don’t think we’ll be doing another series anytime soon. There’s a few logistical issues behind the series, and after what happened on the last run, I’m not too sure that PML has it in him to organise another vote.”
Emma continued, “I think what it comes down to is the guests we get. Find the right people, and the show is a ratings wonder. Get the wrong mix, and one person has five gungings awaiting them. I’m not too sure whether we’ll be able to pick out the right mix of ladies again. I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one.”
Colin didn’t seem too happy. “What about the other shows you’ve done? How about bringing one of them back?”
Emma pondered this. “Well the Threshold does pop up from time to time, and works quite well, especially in some ways that it’s just a good old fashioned vote. It’d be quite simple to bring it back as well.”
Kelly agreed. “There’s also the A-Z series, that one was a bitch to complete, but the end result was quite wonderful. We had some real difficulties sorting that one. We couldn’t find anyone to match Q, X or Y. Of course, if someone had told us that Miranda Lawson in Mass Effect was played by Yvonne Strahovski, we would have booked her in a heartbeat, but someone was yet to play the game.”
Emma dismissively said, “Ah, don’t blame PML, he wasn’t to know. Actually we might look to bring it back, maybe even use the guest author capabilities further this time. We actually met Alyson backstage, who reminisced about her turn in the tank.”
Kelly then said, “We’d have to find a whole new set of people, but that’s fine, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. We also look to develop more shows, although we’ve nothing lined up at the moment.”
Colin pounced. “Ah but there is one show that everyone on the blog knows about. McPridz asks ‘Who would you both like to see win the Gunge Grand Prix?’”
Kelly outright laughed at that question. “You know, we actually help organise the GGP, so we really shouldn’t answer that question, it’d be showing too much bias.”
Colin shook his head. “You can’t away with it that easily. Who do you want to win the Gunge Grand Prix 2013?”
Kelly sighed. “Alright, since you won’t take ‘no comment’ as an answer, I’ll go for Taylor Swift.”
Emma looked at Kelly before answering, “If you choose her, I’ll go for Jenna Louise Coleman.”
Colin laughed, “So basically, you’re going down the fence between the two people who I can exclusively reveal are the two finalists?”
“Yep.”
“Ah, should’ve expected that. Alright, we now have another set of questions, and we have this message for you girls.”
On screen, Suzi of Slop Drop fame popped up with a couple of friends. Like the perennial hostess, Suzi professionally looked into the camera.
“Hey gals, Suzi Harrison here! I read this and showed a few friends. We’re wondering a few things.”
Suzi continued. “I’d like to know just what the hell that Alex bitch is up to these days.”
The tape paused, or at least, the girls stopped talking, almost as if they knew exactly how long to wait for the answer.
Emma giggled. “We were just talking about Suzi, fancy that. Anyway, Alexandre. Yes, she was a feisty one. A little dumb if you ask me, surely she realised once she was caught, she had no hope. You know you were actually supposed to get hold of her at some point to get your revenge, but I think we know what happened. When we were on the Ramp tour, we visited Wamdale University, and found Alexandre in a room with Emma Martin. Boy if we were having revenge, that’s nothing compared to Emma. I think she might be still there now, seeing as you’ve not seen sight of her. I almost pity Alex.”
The tape continued, with Nicki speaking. “I’m curious as to which real life gunge show you’d love to be on and why”
Kelly hummed. “I’m not too sure actually. Noel’s House Party might have been a laugh, but his jokes were just awful. Nick’s Slimetime might be fun, but that’s for kids, and I’m not too sure we’d fit. I don’t really know. Emma?”
Emma shrugged. “Get Your Own Back would be some experience if it felt like you were actually being humiliated. Actually remember when we had that Holo Room? We managed something along them lines back then. Actually now I think about it, there’s another story I’d love to be in.”
Colin smiled slightly. “Yeah, go on.”
“The Industrial Zone. That show makes even our exploits with a gunge tank look tame. We’ve even copied a few, but could you imagine going the whole show with that much gunge?”
Colin agreed. “That’s fair enough. Anyway, I think Becky has something to say.”
The tape continued, with Becky, the Kayotics Guitarist, spoke up. “I want to know who your dream celebrity gungee is and why.”
Kelly thought about it. “Hmm, difficult to say. It’s not like we haven’t gunged enough celebrities already. Heck, I’d say getting Mary Elizabeth Winstead, a.k.a. Ramona Flowers, was quite a coup for us.”
Emma said, “Actually, you know who we haven’t got yet? Justin Timberlake. For some reason he wouldn’t return our calls after someone squealed down the phone at him.”
“Yeah, but he cheated out of the GGP, Justin Bieber won that for some reason that’ll I’ll never know.”
“He didn’t cheat, and you know it. We checked those results thoroughly. Remember Beckham won the year before, so it might just be possible that Justin just wasn’t that popular.”
Colin looked confused. “So if Justin Timberlake is your dream gungee, why is it you only ever gunge women?”
Emma laughed. “Who says we only gunge women? The women stories are the only ones you see because that’s all the blog’s audience is interested in. I’ve got a feeling that the Voiceover Man only ever writes about women getting it, and ignores some of our other exploits. After all, I see what happened after our weddings hasn’t been posted, so it isn’t like PML shares everything.”
“So in other words, we’re a small part of the overall market. I get you, that’s fair enough. Alright, we have one more question from the blog. Tellygunge ask…”
Kelly exclaimed. “Wait, THE Tellygunge?! Wow, that guy is such a legend. We really hope to meet him one day, and that he finishes the Match and Mess Series.”
Colin laughed. “Yes, that Tellygunge. Nice of you to simply use this time we have to promote his stories. Anyway, he asks, ‘Kelly and Emma, who would you get your own back on?’”
Kelly smiled. “You know, I can’t really think of anyone I’d particularly want to get my own back on. I mean after all, I get to gunge a fair few people, so there’s no reason why I can’t just simply gunge the people I like.”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind getting my own back on Eddie’s Mum.”
Kelly looked at Emma in shock. “Why’s that?”
Emma smirked. “She once said that you were prettier than I was, and her son had got lucky. I know she meant it as a joke, but wasn’t it that sort of thing the show was known for?”
Kelly laughed as she thought about it. “Actually I wouldn’t mind putting your mum up there, she insulted my apple strudel.”
Emma looked at her friend funny. “You bought it in a shop, and still managed to burn the thing.”
“Details, Details.”
Colin spoke up again. “Yes, well I’m sure we all dislike our in-laws, isn’t that right Mrs. McGrath?”
Kelly and Emma looked at each other nonplussed.
“Anyway ladies, that’s all we have time for. I know you’re sticking around for the finale, so we’ll meet up with you then. Please give a hand for Kelly and Emma.”
The two girls looked suitably embarrassed as the audience clapped.
-
The interview with the How I Met Your Mother cast was just winding down, when Colin turned his attention to the stage area.
“Now guys, I know you were watching the previous interview from the green room, and you know all about our other guests. Please welcome back Kelly and Emma.”
The audience clapped as the two ladies came out on stage, where they stood next to what looked like an ordinary gunge tank.
“Now we’ve actually had you guys up for a vote to see which one of you would be taking part in showing off one of Kelly and Emma’s tanks.” The cast didn’t look that surprised, especially Alyson, who had of course met the two girls beforehand. “I can tell you that Neil, you came third in the vote.”
Neil Patrick Harris, with some amusing initials, bounce as he smiled.
“In second place, we have Alyson.” The redhead smiled, although less enthusiastically as Neil.
“And I’ll just babble on for a few moments, because those watching the show already know the result, but you guys don’t yet. In first place, getting slimed today, is my fellow Canadian, Cobie Smulders.”
Cobie smiled, although her eyes were looking around the room in shock, almost questioning if this was real. She took Colin’s hand, and followed him over to the gunge tank, which Emma had opened up. Cobie stepped inside, turned slowly, before sitting on the inflatable chair. Kelly stood beside the lever and Colin.
“So Kelly, please explain what this tank is.”
“Certainly Colin. This is a tank based off a story called ‘The Industrial Zone’. It’s quite basic in what it does, simply being an over-the-top gunging, but it does have a 200 litre capacity, enough to fill 4 bath tubs.” The crowd oohed, and Cobie paled noticeably behind the glass. “Don’t worry though, we’ve only made it half full, still way more than your average gunging. This one sticks out because it’s one of the first major gunge tanks in the story, certainly the first used by the protagonist, and we did find a leaked version where she does more than just have a gunging.” Emma snickered, but Kelly glared her way. “Anyway, I think the best way to showcase it is to see it in action. Neil, since you topped the vote between the guys, how about you come here and pull the lever for us.”
Neil (seriously, NPH, anagram of NHP) came forward, and took the lever from Kelly, smiling. “Awesome. Hope you’re having fun in there Cobie, you know this is going to be legend – wait for it…” Neil pulled the lever, shouting “…dary!!” as a siren blared.
Red and yellow gunge fell rapidly onto Cobie, who screamed, ducking her head down as the slime splatter right over her head. The goo spread over Cobie’s black hair, across her shoulders and down her body. The inflatable chair was low down, so the gunge soon pooled up in her lap, while giving her legs a good coating. The two colours, as is their wont to do, mixed together as they splattered over the Canadian star, creating an orange mix covering Cobie. Soon enough though, the gunge flow stopped, and Cobie was left well covered in slime. She kept her head down for a moment, her head a smooth dome of gunge, before peeking through the curtains of her hair, pushing the gunge back behind her head. She gave a small smile to her laughing co-stars, but her expression soon turned to confusion and she looked up slightly.
A second wave of gunge launched itself upon Cobie, smacking her right on the forehead. Cobie’s reflexes were fast, but not fast enough to avoid taking a faceful of gunge. The slime seemed to be falling faster this time, and there was definitely a lot more of it, especially since the gunging lasted longer than the first wave. The gunge surrounded Cobie completely, even forming a pool at the bottom of the tank, which was slowly rising. Cobie by now was laughing at herself, self aware of the embarrassing situation she was in. The gunge rose to just past her knees, and Cobie was splashing at the pool as the gunge stopped flowing above her, not that it mattered, seeing as she was utterly covered in what had fallen on her.
Colin approached the tank, pressing on a intercom that Kelly was showing him. “Wow, that was some gunging. How’s it in there for you Cobie?”
Cobie gave Colin a dark look, before saying “Slimy.”
Colin laughed. “Well I don’t think I could have summed it better myself. And that’s all we have time for. Don’t miss the new season premiere of How I Met Your Mother, Monday at 8 on E4. Special thanks to our guests, Kelly and Emma.” The two ladies waved from beside the gunge tank. “And Josh, Jason, Neil, Alyson and especially Cobie.” The American stars waved, with Cobie giving a weak wave from inside the tank. “Join me again next time. Goodnight.”
