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All women are messy and presumed naked unless indicated otherwise.
“Well we have just about made it welcome back to the final 385 yards of the Tiswas/OTT Charity revival. We have seen Royals, A-Listers, Singers, Actresses, Dancers, Tennis Players, Professors and former MPs all get messy in the fun quest to raise money for our charities” Chris Tarrant said. “Soon we will have the Greatest Show on Legs (Wheels Cha Cha played in the background) but first we have the pie challenge. Representing 3 generations Sheena Easton, Rosamund Pike and Maisie Smith” Chris added.
All three ladies still covered in mud after the chaos of the performance of Champagne from Tommy the Musical walked on to huge cheers. “The task is simple, who can take the most custard pies in one minute. Each lady can choose 3 other ladies to pie them. Who are you choosing Sheena?” Chris asked. “I’ll go for fellow Scots Martell Maxwell, Jo Swinson and fellow singer Gwen Stefani” Sheena said. Martell, Jo and the topless Gwen walked on laughing and stood behind Sheena. “I’ll have Thandie Newton, Katie Thistleton and Charlie Dimmock” Rosamund said. “Interesting choice in Charlie?” Chris asked as the three ladies walked on and stood behind Rosamund. “Yes, she’s a big strong lass and those boobs will flap about madly” Rosamund replied laughing. “We’ll let me think” said Maisie. “It is 1:00 am you know” Chris responded joking. “I’ll have Amber Gill who has been with me since the start of the show and I think being flat chested may be useful so I’ll have Trinny Woodall and Kate Duchess of Cambridge” she added. Amber and Trinny walked over smiling and slowly the topless and jean wearing Kate walked over still trying to cover her boobs and they all stood behind Kate.
“Why did you choose me?” Kate hissed rather embarrassed in Maisie’s ear. “Because I love you and so we can all see those pleasantly petite breasts” Maisie replied laughing. “Okay I admit I’m flat chested” Kate said out loud as the audience cheered. “To count the pies put on each lady please welcome back Lenny Henry, Bob Carolgees and Den Hegarty” Chris said. The three former Tiswas legends walked back on. “Bob will count for Sheena, Den for Rosamund and Lenny for Maisie. Plus the man, the legend, the mystery who will have the final say the Phantom Flan Flinger” Chris announced.
The four men walked on and the Phantom gave a pie in the face to each of Sheena, Rosamund and Maisie. Chris pointed to 3 chairs set up about 3 metres apart and a long table containing hundreds of custard pies behind it. Each chair had a large custard pie placed on it. “Please take your place on the first seat Sheena” Chris said. Sheena walked over laughing to her seat and sat down splat on the pie sending it everywhere. “Can Martell, Jo and Gwen take there places behind Sheena” Chris instructed. “Bob and Phantom please observe from each side and when minute is up confer and announce the final count” he added. “We are doing this separately then?” Sheena shouted. “Yes there would be too much chaos otherwise and their could be sabotage” Chris responded.
“Right on my whistle go” Chris announced blowing a whistle. Jo, Martell and Gwen began to rain down pies on the screaming Sheena. “Two at a time” she screamed. Jo’s pendulous bosom bounced manically from side to side. Martell fell over bringing Gwen down with her and they started throwing pies at each other. “On ****** me” Sheena yelled and took a mouthful of pie cream. “30 seconds gone” Chris announced. Jo took an armful of about 10 pies and gave Sheena a mega double armed pie sandwich. Gwen and Martell remained doing the double pieing to the back of Sheena who was disappearing beneath a mountain of shaving foam. “10 seconds remaining” Chris announced as Jo got another mega 8 pie sandwich onto Sheena. They then started throwing pies at the back of Sheena from the table and Jo delivered one more mega 6 pie pieing as Chris blew his whistle. Jo, Gwen and Martell hugged whilst Sheena wiped her eyes and got her breath back.
Bob and the Phantom conferred. “What number did you get?” Chris asked “I got 119 but Phantom got 123. As he has the final say. Would you say this number is fair?” Bob said whispering to the Phantom who nodded. “We have agreed on 122” Bob announced as the audience cheered and Sheena waved her hands in delight.
“Okay Rosamund please take your seat” Chris announced. “I’m puckering up my lips” Rosamund replied massaging her gunge covered vagina. She walked over to her seat opened her legs and slid down onto the large custard pie. “Can Thandie, Katie and Charlie take their places behind Rosamund please and can Den and the Phantom stand each side” Chris said. “If we were in front we’d disappear up that matted bucket” Thandie replied. “Right on my whistle go” Chris announced blowing a whistle. Katie and Thandie started a relay system of Katie passing two pies to Thandie who then pied Rosamund. Charlie went for the armful technique Jo had used and got 6 pies on Rosamund. “****** cover me” Rosamund screamed as a stream of pies engulfed her. Charlie went for a mega armful of 12 put fell over and the pies went on her face and tits as the audience roared with laughter. “Hurry up you *****” Rosamund screeched as Chris announced “30 seconds gone”. Charlie joined Thandie in being handed pies by Katie and this seemed to work as Rosamund was engulfed by the barrage of pies. “10 seconds left” Chris shouted. All three girls grabbed 8 pies each and hit Rosamund from all angles with them as Chris blew his whistle.
Den and the Phantom conferred and the Phantom gave a thumbs up. “We both got 130” Den announced as Rosamund punched the air from beneath all the custard pies and the other ladies hugged her.
“Okay Maisie please take your seat” Chris said Maisie tottered over still in her high heels sat on the custard pie and slid into a splits sideways on the chair in a sexy manner. She bought her legs together and faced the audience as they cheered. Can Amber and the two flat chested ladies take their places behind Maisie please and can Lenny and the Phantom stand each side” Chris said. “Pleasantly petite” Kate replied laughing. “You are ****** as flat chested as me Cambridge” Trinny added as her and Kate burst out laughing. “Okaaaay” Lenny shouted to huge cheers.
Amber, Kate and Trinny conferred and fist bumped. “Right on my whistle go” Chris announced blowing a whistle. Amber, Kate and Trinny started doing 4 pies at a time each not going too fast to avoid and slipping or dropping pies as they delivered a steady stream of pies on Maisie who screamed “Keep going”. Maisie disappeared beneath a barrage of pies as Chris announced “30 seconds gone”. Amber was going as quick as she could and did drop a couple of pies but Kate and Trinny moved serenely and swiftly not dropping a single pie. “10 seconds left” Chris shouted. The audience started chanting “Maisie, Maisie” as the last dozen or so pies blitzed her as Chris blew his whistle.
Lenny and the Phantom whispered to each other. Lenny smiled and the Phantom hit Maisie with a pie in the face. “An incredible 142” Lenny shouted. Maisie grabbed hold of Kate in delight put typically slipped and rolled around on the floor with Kate who was in hysterics. Amber and Trinny helped them up and they all hugged and held their arms aloft in delight. Kate wasn’t bothered her breasts were on display as they all took a bow.
The other two teams embraced the winners. “You deserve it” Rosamund said to Maisie hugging her. “You are such a star” Sheena told her. Chris congratulated Maisie. “Well you’ve proved you can take the most pies” he said as all the other girls rained the remaining few pies on Maisie. “Well the plan worked perfectly, Trinny and Kate worked out if we could get two lots of 4 pies by each girl on me every 10 seconds. We’d get —- a lot of pies” Maisie said unable to do the maths. “144” Kate said. “Yes and Kate promised to flash her bum if we won” Maisie teased. Kate started to giggle and shook her head in disbelief.
“Okay please thank these amazing ladies and join us after the break for the Greatest Show on Legs” Chris announced.
The girls all returned to the Cage and started mocking Rachel Burden, Ruxandra Porojnicu, Emily Maitlis, Pixie and Daisy Ridley. “We will not do the Greatest Show” Rachel snapped. “Okay you can all face my little surprise” Rosamund replied.
Chris welcomed everyone back and announced “The total is now £4,476,927. Now it’s time for the Greatest Show on Legs” Wheels Cha Cha started playing and Maisie and Amber danced on holding a couple of balloons trying to hide their modesty. They were soon joined by Rosamund, Thandie and Katie. Rosamund and Thandie were typically pushing their long thin inflated balloons between their legs. They all moved to the side and started clapping as all the Saturdays including the pregnant Rochelle came on with their balloons. They were swiftly followed by Martell, Denise Van Outen, Nadia Sawalha, Jaime Murray and Professor Kate Williams. Jaime and Martell kept wobbling Nadiya’s belly. Denise slid into the splits and was joined by Maisie. Then Charlie, Trinny and Lisa Snowdon danced on. Charlie and Lisa comically kept Trinny’s much smaller boobs covered with their balloons until Trinny bust them.
Elisabeth Dermot Walsh, Laura Rollins, Jennifer Metcalfe and Sheena then danced on finally followed by Jo Swinson, Talulah Riley, Sophie Countess of Wessex and Princess Beatrice. The two Royals grabbed each others balloons as all the girls took a bow, turned around and wiggled their bums.
“Now for version two where anyone who hasn’t stripped gets the opportunity to” Chris announced. The music started again and the topless Dianne Buswell danced on, she threw off her knickers to reveal a bright red dyed muff to match her hair. She slid into the splits and rolled over with her legs in the air as she got up giving everyone a great view. Fiona Bruce also topless walked on laughing and sultrily took her knickers off as Dianne prodded her with her balloon as Fiona stood there with a clean shaven muff Kym Marsh then sashayed on and dropped her cycle shorts to show a thin dark line on her muff. An exuberant Gwen Stefani ran on as Dianne and Kym pulled her bikini strings. Gwen covered her modesty with her balloons before throwing her arms in the air to show a dyed blonde muff as that set of girls took their bows.
Cathy Newman then walked on and dropped her basque and stood there in just a pair of frilly knickers. She held her balloons over her boobs as Kym and Dianne ran forward and pulled her knickers down. Cathy bent over and gave everyone a great view moving one of her balloons rudely between her legs before turning around to reveal a blonde and curly haired muff. “Katherine, Katherine” the girls started chanting as finally Katherine Jenkins in her belly dancer’s skirt walked on rather shyly. The other girls held balloons in front of her as Katherine dropped her skirt and turned with her back to the audience. The girls removed their balloons as Katherine stood their wiggling her shapely bum. She then turned around and belted out an soprano “Cha, Cha, Cha” as all the other girls burst their balloons and she displayed a clean shaven muff.
The crowd cheered as all the girls joined together and did a huge joint dance. Suddenly Rachel Burden’s voice came out over the audience. She had grabbed a mic from a floor manager. “Rosamund, Thandie and Katie. You have lost two parts of the bet are missing. I wanted two Songs of Praise Presenters nude and 3 Royal Bum Flashes” she screamed. Rosamund ran over to Kate Duchess of Cambridge and spoke to her. Kate turned around undid her jeans and flashed her bum at Rachel screaming “Kiss my ****** Royal Arse” as the audience cheered. Claire McCollum in a sports bra and tracksuit bottoms ran on and nodded to the girls Katie grabbed her sports bra and Thandie pulled her tracksuit bottoms and knickers down. Claire jumped forward totally naked laughing displaying a pert pair of breasts and a neatly trimmed bush. “Take that you bleeding cow” she screamed at Rachel as the other girls lifted her up and hugged her.
The music played one more time as all the girls who were naked and those who hadn’t stripped fully all danced together as Chris, Lenny, Bob, Den and Prince William all hosed them down with the recycled gunge and the Phantom threw the last few remaining custard pies at the girls. Kate mooned the audience again but Sophie, Beatrice and Trinny pulled her skinny jeans off. She hid at the back but as the girls took their final bows. Maisie pulled her to the front and dropped a splits in front of her pointing at her neatly trimmed brown muff. Kate has highly embarrassed but Beatrice and Sophie hugged her and she slid behind some other girls as the music finally ended and all the gunge ran out.
“Well that is it” said Chris “Thank you to everyone who has taken part. I’m delighted to announce our final total is £4,863,764. It’s been rude, it’s been crazy but this has been Tiswas/OTT Charity Revival” he added.
“Not so fast” Rosamund said as she, Thandie, Martell, Jo and Charlie surrounded Pixie, Emily, Ruxandra and Daisy. Whilst Lisa and Trinny dragged Rachel over to them. “We won the bet plus you didn’t take part in the Greatest Show on Legs. So you all face my final treat” Rosamund shouted. They placed the 5 ladies on a large X spot on the floor and all stood next to them. Amber handed Prince William a card. Suddenly Maisie tottered over on her heels pulling Kate over to the area. Poor Kate was clearly naked for all to see. “It’s a Royal Opening we cannot miss this” she enthused. William looked at his naked wife and said “It certainly is” as Kate gave him an evil glance. “It’s okay Maisie” Rosamund said not really wanting Kate there. “No Kate should be in the middle” Maisie protested and pushed her between Rachel and Daisy.
“I hope this isn’t gross” Chris shouted. “Of course not” Rosamund said. William looked at the card and said “I declare Rosamund’s Elephant Curry House open” and a load of yellow coloured liquid and brown matter hit Pixie, Emily, Rachel, Ruxandra and Daisy mainly. Kate perhaps copped for the most and Thandie, Rosamund, Katie and Maisie were also well covered. The other girls had ducked out of the way on hearing what William said. Pixie, Emily, Rachel, Ruxandra and Daisy were all screaming and Kate was stood there in shock as a pungent smell wafted across the studio. Pixie, Emily, Rachel, Ruxandra and Daisy started coughing and retching as they realised what they had likely been hit with.
“Rosamund that was too far” Chris shouted. “Patsy Palmer cow pat on head. Ray Stubbs into a ball of shit. I got some elephants fed curry that is all” Rosamund replied. William had burst out laughing as Kate slowly walked forward and he took a step back when he began to smell her, Kate now dripping brown matter looked at Maisie who said “Ops, sorry Kate. What Am I Like” and slid into her splits as the show ended with the view of the destroyed Kate.
And that’s all folks
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