Match & Mess – Round 1: Getting To Know You (The Silver Team: Isobel and Karen)

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I think “two or three months” was an overambitious timeframe for this; hope participants are available until Christmas!

Seven of the colourful, and fortunately wipe-clean sofas were now occupied, and the fourteen occupants fidgeted uncomfortably in their various states of mess. Joanna had by now returned to Pixie’s side, and looked pacified but not particularly happy.

“Hey Mel!”, called Myleene, who had been the very first participant to get messy. “I don’t like to whinge, but this stuff is starting to smell quite bad.”

“You’ll get to shower very soon”, Mel curtly informed her. The presenter’s nerves were frayed but her gleaming smile was indefatigable as she turned once more to the camera. “You’re watching Match & Mess, and we’re about to enter the final leg of the first round”, she beamed. “And since we started with a Scottish contestant, Mei-Ling, it’s fitting that our final contestant and her celebrity partner also hail from north of the border. So please say ‘och aye the noo’ to the Silver Team, Isobel Redden and Karen Gillan!”

The final pair made their entrance through the star-shaped portals. Isobel had chosen the conservative dress option of T-shirt and full-length leggings, the former of which was more accurately described as grey than silver (indeed, the provisional team name had been Grey, but the production crew had decided that that sounded a bit drab). Isobel stood at 6 ft 8. Her legs were long and skinny, while her buttocks and abdomen were starting to show the signs of a university lifestyle, and she sported an average-sized bust. Her long hair was naturally blonde and artificially straight, and was complemented by entrancing green eyes and gleaming white teeth.

Her flame-haired partner had also opted for the grey T-shirt, but was revealing plenty of pale-skinned thigh with a pair of skimpy shorts. The pair hugged at the bottom of the steps, before walking forwards to great Mel, who was hopeful that these would be easier customers than the previous few pairs.

“Welcome Isobel, Karen. Please do take a seat”, Mel gestured the vacant silver sofa. She consulted her information card, glad that this was the last time she would need to go through this ritual. “So, Isobel is 20 years old, and is in fact our youngest contestant, beating Abby by five months. She hails from Glasgow where she is currently a student at the university, and her hobbies are socialising, shopping, singing, dressing up, and reading Vogue.”

“Not forgetting amateur dramatics”, added Isobel, in her fairly raw Glaswegian accent.

We’ve had quite enough dramatics already on this show, Mel silently commented, before saying, “Indeed, but I won’t ask you any more about that because there are actually a couple of questions on the subject. Who have you brought along to support you?”

“My twin sister Kiri, and my friends Ben and Tiffany”, replied Isobel. The camera panned in on a trio who were seated halfway up the upper tier. It was immediately obvious which of the two girls was Isobel’s twin; Kiri’s big green eyes and gleaming smile were identical to the contestant’s. She also had the same blonde hair, although it was shoulder-length and in its natural wavy state. Tiffany, by contrast, was darker in her features, her hair a deep chestnut and skin slightly olive-toned. Ben was tall, with short brown hair and a lightly freckled face.

“Now Isobel, all this time you’ve been sitting in our backstage lounge, watching your competitors take their turns in the tank. Now that your turn has finally arrived, how do you feel about the prospect of getting very messy?”

“It’s not something I’ll welcome with open arms”, admitted Isobel coyly. “But I’m always willing to give new things a try. After all, you can’t say that you hate something if you haven’t tried it, reet? And more to the point, I really want to win that money.” She paused for a second, before carefully adding, “not that money’s everything, mind you, but at this stage of my life, ten grand’ll make a hell of a difference.”

“Yes, I noticed this go-getter attitude when reading your application form. Here’s what you had to say about Karen: Karen and I are both Scottish and I’d like to believe we’re both determined to win at whatever is put in front of us. Personality wise I’d also think we’d match up and work well as a team together. Well Karen, does this sound like you?”

“Definitely”, nodded the actress. “Like Isobel, I’m very determined to win the prize money for my selected charity, Breakthrough Breast Cancer.”

“Even if it means getting very messy along the way?”, tested Mel.

“Yep, I’ll give it a go”, Karen grinned nervously. “In any case, I think it’ll be popular with the viewers. Just the other day, a friend of mine told me about a blog that holds an annual vote on which female celeb should be gunged. I had the dubious honour of being selected in 2011, apparently.”

“The mind boggles”, remarked Mel. “Well Karen, please go and take your place in the isolation chamber, and maybe you’ll make some blogger’s day.”

Karen made her way over to the tank and gingerly (no pun intended) lowered her rear onto the slop-sodden seat.

Mel brandished her question card. “Right then Isobel, you and Karen require four correct answers between you to secure a place in the next round, but if you’re serious about winning, then naturally you should score as many as possible. Are you ready?”

“Bring it on”, Isobel nodded calmly.

“Question 1: In which city was Karen born and raised?”

“Well, she ain’t a Glasgy like me”, grinned Isobel. “I’m ninety-nine percent sure it was Inverness, although something in the back of my mind is saying Livingston… no, Inverness final answer.”

“Inverness, correct answer”, confirmed Mel. “Question 2: What is Karen’s middle name?”

“Oh that’s easy”, smiled Isobel. “I can remember that as it’s like an Aussie name – Sheila.”

“Karen Sheila Gillan – correct!”, nodded Mel. Isobel looked very pleased with herself, and a still clean Karen looked even happier.

“Question 3″, read Mel. “What was the Channel 4 comedy series in which, among over characters, Karen played a parody of Angelina Jolie?”

This question evidently took the wind out of Isobel’s sails. “Erm, I honestly have no idea, I’ve never really watched Channel 4″, she confessed. “Errr… 8 out of 10 cats?”

In the gunge tank, Karen cringed; she knew very well Isobel’s guess was wrong. “The answer is The Kevin Bishop show”, Mel informed Isobel. “But seeing as you mention 8 of 10 cats…”

A tensed Karen was greeted with a powerful spray of lumpy brown ‘cat food’, which was released from two nozzles in the upper-front of the tank, coating her face, T-shirt, and the front part of her hair. Initially Karen shrieked wildly and frantically brushed at the slop, but she calmed down slightly when she managed to convince herself that it wasn’t the real deal.

“Hmmm, well I guess Karen belongs to the 2 out of 10″, mused Mel. “Question 4: In Dr Who, Karen is of course best known for playing Amy Pond, but she also made a one-off appearance as a ‘soothsayer’ in which episode from series 4?”

This was another piece of trivia that Iosbel didn’t have at her fingertips, but she was determined to make a stab at the answer. “Series four… that was David Tennant’s Doctor, right? Oh, I don’t know, it probably was a Cyberman episode… so Return of the Cybermen?”

“The Fires of Pompeii”, returned Mel. “But as I said, Karen’s most famous role is Amy Pond…”

A batch of pondweed, similar to the one received by Caroline, was dumped onto Karen, draping over her hair and turning her grey T-shirt green. Unlike the cat food, this slimy assortment of freshwater vegetation was very real, as evidenced by the disgusted wrinkling of Karen’s nose as she pulled away the strands.

“Ah, the puns never get old!”, chuckled Mel. “Question 5: What real-life connection does Karen have to Caitlin Blackwood, who played Amy Pond’s younger self?”

“I know they’re related, I’m just not sure how”, Isobel racked her brains. “She’s either her niece or cousin, but I’m not one hundred percent sure on either.”

“So, your final answer is…”, Mel pressed.

“Oh sorry, I’ll go with cousin.”

“Karen and Caitlin are indeed cousins”, revealed Mel.

“Yes!”, Isobel pumped her fist. In the tank, Karen was too embroiled in the pondweed to notice her victory.

“And finally, Question 6: In which city does Karen presently live?”

“Well my instinct is to say London”, Isobel deliberated, “but when I was chatting to Karen earlier she mentioned meeting Posh Spice at LAX Airport before flying to film here, so I’m going to take a gamble and say Los Angeles.”

“You gambled with L.A…” Mel paused for dramatic effect. “The answer is L.A.!”

Isobel pumped her fist once more, and Karen was relieved that she could leave the gunge tank without suffering any more mess. The reactions from the Sally and Tulisa, who had been keeping an anxious count of the score, were rather different. Sally put her head in her hands, while Tulisa crossed her arms and harrumphed.

“A good run there, Isobel. Four correct answers equals 20 points!”, Mel announced. “And judging by the looks on the faces of the Pink Team, they know very well what this means! We’ll deal with you two in a moment, Sally and Tulisa, but first let’s see how many questions Karen can get right about Isobel. Isobel, if you would please make your way to the chamber…”

As Isobel answered the questionnaire, Karen continued trying to wipe the mess from herself as best as possible. “Honestly Mel, cat food and pond slime!? Was that really necessary?”

“Seeing as you only got two, it’s just as well we made them count”, chuckled Mel. “Right, Isobel is all done over there, so let’s get going with the final set of questions.” And not a moment too soon either “Question one: at what age did Isobel first have a mobile phone?

(a) 10 or younger,
(b) 11-15,
or (c) 16 or older.”

“Well, Isobel’s 20 now, so she would’ve been 15 in… 2008, and she would have been 10 in 2003″, Karen reasoned. “I’m pretty sure it was common for young kids to have mobiles by then, so I’m going to go with (a).”

“Actually no. Isobel didn’t have a phone by age 10″, Mel revealed. “In fact, she didn’t have one by age 15 either; her answer was (c).”

As soon Isobel had heard Karen give the wrong answer, she’d known she was in for it. She was readied as best she could to take whatever mess she had due with good grace, but wasn’t quite prepared for the ferocity with which the pie cannon fired. The foam that issued forth over Isobel’s was bicoloured in blue and white, an obvious reference to her homeland.

“We wouldn’t want Isobel to be homesick”, quipped Mel. “Question 2: Which of these Shakespearean characters would Isobel most like to be cast as?

(a) Lady Macbeth,
(b) Cleopatra,
or (c) Juliet.”

“Gosh! Three characters who all commit suicide – how cheerful”, said Karen sarcastically. “But of course the answer is the scotswoman, Lady Macbeth.”

“Your reasoning has let you down again; in fact Isobel would play Cleopatra”, Mel revealed. “Say, didn’t Cleopatra bathe in something unusual to preserve her youthful looks?”

Karen pondered. “Yeah, can’t remember what though…”

In the tank, Isobel shrieked as she was engulfed in a frigid downpour, which washed away most of the blue and white foam, made her blonde hair dark and lank, caused her T-shirt to cling to her torso, and made her gape in shock. The liquid dripping from her hair and chin had a pearly white appearance to it.

“Ah, milk!”, laughed Mel and Karen in unison.

“Question 3″, read Mel. “Isobel thinks football is…

(a) The beautiful game,
(b) Ok, but only because of the fit blokes in shorts,
or (c) A load of over-inflated balls?”

“Well I have to say that for me, the players’ physiques are the only thing that makes the game worth watching, but then again I’m an Inverness Caledonian Thistle supporter”, Karen chuckled self-deprecatingly. “Seriously though, I think (b) is the default girl’s answer, so I’ll go with that.”

“(b) is correct – well done Karen”, confirmed Mel. “Question 4: If Isobel went for a weekend in the countryside, would she stay in…?

(a) A tent,
(b) A hostel,
or (c) A B&B?”

“Isobel’s a toughened Scot like me, so she’ll choose the camping”, Karen answered confidently.

“It would appear that this Scot has gone a little soft”, shrugged Mel. “Isobel would cosy up in the B&B. Perhaps she needs a reminder of the great outdoors.”

A giant clump of grass-cuttings was dumped on Isobel, readily sticking to her milk-soaked form. This was swiftly followed by a cow pat on her head (fake of course, like the one that had landed on Catherine, but this seemed little consolation of Isobel).

“Dear me Karen, you’re undoing Isobel’s strong performance”, Mel sighed. “Let’s see if you can do better with Question 5, the moral dilemma: Suppose Isobel is in the waiting room for a job interview with another girl who’s vying for the same job. As the other girl gets up to walk into the boss’ office, Isobel sees that her skirt has become partially unzipped at the back, revealing the beginning of a thong and an obscene buttock tattoo. Does Isobel…

(a) warn her rival of the wardrobe malfunction,
(b) say nothing, letting her rival walk into the interview with the glaring exposure,
or (c) try to undo the zip a bit further?

“I’ve been to job interviews where flashing one’s knickers would be an advantage for landing the job”, Karen reminisced with a smirk. “In all seriousness though, I think (b) is the best option. (a) is unwarrantedly helpful and (c) is needlessly risky.”

“Isobel agrees, (b) she said”, nodded Mel. “Which bring us to the final question of Round One – Isobel’s embarrassing story, kindly provided by Kiri and co.” The camera flashed up to the grinning trio of friends. “At the opening night of a recent university production, Isobel forgot to turn off her mic when she was backstage, resulting in which of the following to be broadcast to the audience?

(a) An appreciative comment about the physique of a male co-star,
(b) a not-so-flattering comment about the physique of a female co-star,
or (c) a likening of the production director to a certain German with a moustache.”

“Hmmm.. given my experience of stage directors, I reckon Isobel did (c)”, Karen smirked, before adding, “and was fully justified in doing so!”

“Karen… again, you’re wrong! The answer was in fact (a); Isobel was lusting over a male co-star. I think she needs to take a cold shower!”

A shower duly materialised, not of water but of light blue gunge, that rained down over Isobel’s hair and shoulders. The hunching of er torso and the shocked look on her face informed the audience that the shower was indeed cold. Isobel was relieved when she could finally exit the tank and rejoin Karen on the sofa.

“Isobel, Karen failed to build on your good performance earlier on, but not to worry because you still have a very respectable 30 points”, Mel informed her. “Just out of interest, who was the boy you were, ahem, complimenting over the mic.”

Isobel blushed, although it was hard to see because of all the mess that covered her. “It was a boy called Nathan”, she revealed coyly. “He was playing a slave and he was shirtless.”

“Would you like him to be your slave?”, Mel asked saucily.

“No comment”, Isobel licked her lips.

“Yes, probably best left answered”, chuckled Mel. “That brings us to the end of Round One, so let’s take a look at the scores!”

“It’s a tight pack, with the Dark Blues, Sky Blues, Whites and Silvers in front with 30 points apiece, and the Reds, Yellows and Greens closely behind with 25″, commented Mel. “But we do have a clear pair of laggards. Sally and Tulisa, it’s a real pity to say goodbye to you so early on, but I’m afraid you are eliminated. Sally, I hope you’ve enjoyed your brief time here.”

“Yeah I have”, nodded a still very messy Sally. “It was great fun getting gunged and it was a real privilege to meet Tulisa, despite what I said about Cheryl.”

“Unfortunately, the £10,000 is not destined for your pocket, but we’re not so stingy as to send you away empty-handed”, Mel informed Sally. “You take away your Match & Mess outfit (good luck washing it), a limited edition Boddingtons tankard with my autograph engraved onto it, and a framed photo of you and Tulisa. And speaking of you Tulisa, all the best in any upcoming trials… erm, challenges that you may face in the near future. Have you had a good time?”

“Yeah, I enjoyed myself”, said Tulisa more grudgingly. “And although I was a bit pissed off by Sally’s comments I do admire her for speaking her mind.”

“Glad to hear you’ve made up”, Mel smiled. “So you two, you know what’s going to happen now, don’t you?”

“Erm, no, because you’ve not told us”, Sally reminded Mel.

“True”, Mel conceded. “But all will be revealed in just a moment, but while we go to a quick break, I’d like to ask to Julie, come down to the stage, please.”

“Who me?!”, Sally’s friends exclaimed with a mixture of apprehension and excitement.

“Yes, you!”, Mel confirmed. “You wanted to be on the show, didn’t you? Down you come!” She turned to the camera and winked. “Join us after the break, when we’ll take out the trash!”