All characters are fictional, and any resemblance to real persons is pure coincidence.
Timpani rumble, echoed by the audience’s murmur of anticipiation. A camera, perched hawklike in an upper corner, surveys the studio. Gold is very much the theme: gold chandeliers hang from on high, and golden aisles carve through the audience. The stairways that lead down from the archways glitter gold, through are also fashioned with the appropriate red or blue colouration. At the bottom of the staircases, gold busts of Mess(e)rs Edmonds and Benson-Phillips stand on plinths. Even the fearsome catapult and its infamous chair have been treated to a glittering makeover, and the winner’s throne is even blingier than usual. As for the sludge itself, this is hidden from a view; a blanket of dry-ice fog sits within the pool’s rim.
Trumpets blare, and around the studio expertly sequenced pyrotechnics explode into action. The audience ooo and ahh at each shower of sparks and puff of coloured smoke, and then, as the haze clears, the spectactors erupt in cheers. For standing in the archways, illuminated by brilliant white spotlights, are the show’s presenters.
Natalie Lloyd, now 29, and Clara Quick, 24, pose at the top of their staircases, grinning towards the rapturous applause (actually they can’t see anything of the audience because of the dazzling spotlights). In most of the previous episodes they have dressed differently, to emphasise their diverging personalities, but tonight the pair are flawlessly coordinated. Each wears a body-hugging dress made of a diffusely shimmering material – scarlet on Natalie’s figure, azure on Clara’s. The hem reaches to the ankles, while a side slit cleaves up to the hip. The dresses are strapless, clinging to each woman’s mid-torso, their bosoms nestling in a furry, gold-sparkled ruff. The tops of Natalie’s bumper-sized boobs bulge out of her dress, while Clara’s smaller but very sharply defined assets also take prominent place.
Over the course of the series, the pair have experimented with different hairstyles, but tonight their coiffs have returned full-circle to the time they stepped out to present the pilot episode. Natalie’s long locks, platinum-blonde and corkscrew curly, hang freely to frame her face and spill down her unclothed upper torso. Clara’s hair, having seen a shorter cut and blonde highlights mid-series (and a complete disappearance at one point, thanks to Natalie’s mischief), is back to full brunette and regrown so that its tips grace her bare shoulders.
The spotlights follow the women as they blindly fathom their way down the stairs, while gold streamers burst in flurries around them. They reach the bottom of the stairs and continue to bask in the audience’s adoration, Clara waving and Natalie blowing kisses, before they hold hands and take a bow, much to the delight of pervs everywhere.
Natalie: Wow! Oh wow! What a reception! Thanks very much folks! She’s Clara quick!
Clara: She’s Natalie Lloyd, and welcome, one and all, to this very special edition of Grudge-2-Sludge, which will alas be the final episode of the series!
Audience: Awwwww…
Natalie: Yes, I know, I know… We share your pain! Clara and I are very disappointed that soon we’ll be leaving this stage and going our separate ways! [Appears far from sincere on this point]
Clara: [who also looks far from sincere] But don’t you shed a tear, because we have an extravaganza in store for you tonight! Just look at how we’ve spiffed up the studio! [Gestures the surroundings]
Natalie: We’ve got the place looking its very best, and with good reason, because we’re expecting some very important guests!
Clara: Here on Grudge-2-Sludge we’ve done sterling work – if I say so myself – in quelling the country’s quarrels. We’ve fixed wedding plans, sorted out a sibling rivalry, restored sanity to a school…
Natalie: Relative sanity.
Clara: …but tonight we undertake our biggest challenge yet; we are going to settle a celebrity scrap!
Audience: Wooooooooo!!
Natalie: Oh yes, woo away, my friends! It’s been a tense time of negotiations for our team, knowing either of these celebs could back out at any moment – and who could blame them! But I’m pleased to announce that the contract has been signed, and blacked-out limos are pulling up outside the studio as we speak!
Clara: Everything’s been kept top secret – so much so that even Nat and I don’t know who our contestants are!
Natalie: But what we do know is that these famous feudsters are absolutely daggers drawn. By all accounts they’ve been at each other’s throats for months!
Clara: Yep, I’m told it’s the biggest grudge in UK showbiz right now. These two have been bitching, sniping, taking every opportunity to embarrass the other…
Natalie: I wonder who on earth it can be. Can’t wait to find out!
Clara: Not much longer to wait, Nat. And something else that’s soon to be revealed is our extra-special celebrity sludge!
Clara gestures the pool behind her, where the blanket of dry-ice fog continues to sit on the surface.
Natalie: Ooh yes, that’ll be unveiled shortly, and by all accounts it is the worst sludge of the series so far! Let me tell you, the fog may hide the sight of the stuff, but it can’t keep in the smell! [Waves a hands in front of her nose]
Clara: It sure is a stinker! And by the end of the show, one of our celebrities will be eating her words, and much else besides, when she is slung into it!
Natalie: Or could it be a he? I say that because the details of our first contestant are coming up on the autocue now!
A drumroll sounds as Natalie makes the announcement.
Our first celebrity contestant is called Stuart Nasir, and he’s 21 and from North London. Y’know, that’s funny, cos my boyfriend’s got that name and he’s 21 and from North London too. Anyway, our celebrity contestant Stuart is – wow, you’re not gonna believe this – a magician as well! Let’s meet this Stuart guy, from the red corner!
Stuart − the Stuart, toyboy of Natalie – appears at the red-rimmed archway, waving a white-gloved hand to the audience. As in the last episode, the well-groomed young man sports the traditional magician’s black top hat and tailcoat, with bowtie, cape and cummerbund all a gleaming red. He moves down the stairs in deft and lightfooted fashion, and before the presenters know it he is standing between them. Removing his top hat, he takes a deep bow to the cheering audience. Then he plucks two roses – one red, one blue – out of the hat and gives these to Natalie and Clara.
Natalie: [tutting] Uhh! Stuart, it is you!
Stuart: Lovely to see you too darling.
Natalie: [sniffily] I think you’re pushing it to call yourself a celebrity, just because you’ve guested on this show a couple of times – which was thanks to me, by the way.
Clara: Now be fair, Nat; if Stuart has managed to get into a grudge with another famous name, he really must be making his way in the world. Stepped on another magician’s turf, have you, Stuart? Intrigued to know who it is.
Stuart: Well it’s coming up on your autocue right now, Clara, and I wouldn’t want to steal your thunder by announcing it myself.
Clara: Ooh, right then… Our second contestant is also 21. Her name is Stephanie [frowns]… Quick, and she’s from Cambridge.
Natalie: Gosh, Clara! That’s the same name as your sister, and she’s 21 from Cambridge as well, isn’t she? What a small world it is!
Clara: [a suspicious look growing on her face] Isn’t it just? Right then, let’s meet this Stephanie, shall we?
The younger Miss Quick, similarly olive-skinned and green-eyed, but taller and longer-haired than her sister, walks through the blue-rimmed archway and greets the audience’s cheers. The dress Stephanie is wearing is a lighter blue than Clara’s and plainer in style, with shoulder straps and a hem just above the knees. Stephanie takes her time to stroll down the stairs, letting Clara look on in wary bemusement.
Stuart: [bowing] Stephanie, good evening!
Stuart produces another blue rose from his hat and extends it towards Stephanie, but Natalie smacks his hand.
Natalie: [hisses] Stuart! That’s Clara’s sister! What are you doing having a grudge with Clara’s sister! I’m the only woman you’re supposed to have a grudge with! I knew there was something going on between you two! Knew it!!
Stephanie: Relax. Actually Stuart and I don’t have a grudge. In fact, you could call us partners in crime!
Natalie: [steaming] That’s even worse!
Clara: For sure you’re not a celebrity, Steph; you’re a trainee software developer. I have a sneaking suspicion where this is heading [looks round at the crew], but go on, explain yourselves.
Natalie: Yeah, let’s see your video-reel, Stuey-kins. [Winks to audience] That’s what I say to him every night.
Stuart: I’m afraid I don’t have one, but I do have some audio.
Stuart flicks his wrist and a dictaphone appears in his hand. The recording is very tinny, but there is no doubt as to whom the female voice belongs to.
Recording: Nat, Nat, Nat! That’s what she calls me – Nat! Like I’m some kind of annoying insect. You wouldn’t dare call me that, would you, Stuey-kins?
Male voice on Recording: Never, sweetheart.
Natalie: [wide eyed] Hey! I said that to you in bed the other night! [Glares at Stuart] You recorded me in bed!!
Stuart: Ssshhhhh!!
Recording: …She’s so up herself cos she went to a swotty university. Looks down on me like I’m some kind of Palestine. Me, who’s done PPI claims adverts and other important stuff! Did I ever tell you I once did CountryFile?
Male voice: [bored] Yes…
Recording: …And who’s she? Just some nerd who pouted her lips for a camera a few times. Never been on telly before. Why the hell did I agree to present on equal terms with her?! I should be the main presenter, and she should be at the back doing the scoreboard or something. Anyway, wonder what she’s doing right now? Not in bed with a man, I bet – cold fish! Oh no, wait. She does have a man in her bed – Mr Cuddly!! Ha ha, Mr Cuddly! What a hoot that was…!
Stuart stops the recording. A few shocked murmurs emanate from a mostly hushed audience. It’s difficult to say who is the most displeased out of Natalie and Clara.
Natalie: [sulkily] I can’t believe you recorded my pillow talk!
Clara: [scowling at Natalie] It’s philistine, by the way.
Natalie: [jabbing a finger] That’s just the sort of thing I mean – always correcting me with smart-Alec points. You’re such a pendent!
Clara: Pedant.
Stephanie: Good thing you mentioned Mr Cuddly, because that brings us nicely to our next point – that party you arranged at Clara’s house while she was out. A lot of people tweeted the show to say that was very mean what you did.
Natalie: Me?! You and Stuart were involved in that as well! In fact it was you who provided a key!
Stephanie: [awkward] Yeah, well… Clara’s my sister, so I’m allowed to prank her. Besides, you told us you were inviting a dozen people, not a hundred. And then you went way too far when you ordered Stuart to tamper with Clara’s teddy!
Stuart: [holds up hands] To be clear, I never touched the bear.
Clara: [outburst] He was still very traumatised, poor Mr Cuddly! Now I have to tuck him in extra tight and keep the light on for him and… [remembering where she is, she trails off and blushes]
Stuart: Still Clara, you can’t argue with some of the things Natalie said on that recording. You do look down on her a bit, don’t you? Think she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer?
Clara: [folds her arms] Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But I’ve never ranted about her like that, that’s for sure.
Stephanie: Not out loud you haven’t. [Reaches into a pocket] But there’s always… your diary!
Clara: [horrified] Give that back!
Clara lunges at Stephanie, who holds the little black book away from her. Stuart steps across to fend Clara off.
Clara: Give it back, give it back, give it back!
Stephanie: Clara’s kept a diary ever since she was fourteen. [Flicks through] And let me tell you, there’s lots of embarrassing stuff I could read out!
Some excited woos sound from the audience.
Clara: [lunges again, to be held by Stuart] No please, Steph! Give it back!
Stephanie: …But I will restrict myself to stuff Clara has written about Natalie. Like this, for instance: [clears throat] So it turns out that airhead Lloyd can’t stand being called ‘Nat’. I only did it as a casual thing, but suddenly she snapped at me for it. Now I’m going to call her Nat all the time to wind her up! It’s so easy to push her buttons – the silly slapper! Wow, Clara, don’t expect to hear such coarse language from an intellectual like you! [Turns to another page] And how about this: Just been ringing around Nat’s old school chums. Turns out she’s terrified of frogs – deffo going to use that knowledge to my advantage, tee hee – oh, and she used to prank a teacher with stink bombs. Well, I’ve spent the afternoon with my chemistry set cooking up a sulphurous stink gas for her − should be fun. It’s amazing to think that Nat went to school at all, given how little brains she’s got. It’s a pity her boobs aren’t brains or she’d be the next Einstein, but sadly there’s more silicone than sense in those!
Now it’s Natalie who has to be restrained by Stuart, as she lunges at Clara:
Natalie: WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU!! My boobs aren’t fake! Stuart, tell everyone, my boobs are 100% the real deal! Tell them, Stuart!
Stuart: [hurriedly] Yes, they’re real.
Still concerned that her mammorial authenticity is in doubt, Natalie wobbles her chest, barely encased in the furry ruff of her dress, in the direction of the audience.
Natalie: Do these look fake to you? Do they?! Do they look fake to you?!
Male voice from audience: We’ll need ten minutes’ viewing to decide.
Stephanie: Clam down, Natalie. I think Clara has a touch of tit envy, that’s all. Being as she is a smaller lady.
Clara: [glowering] I can’t believe you read from my diary, Stephanie. Didn’t mum tell us never to snitch?
Stuart: Funny you should say that, Clara, because who was it that complained to OfCom about Natalie’s product placement antics?
Clara: [shrugs] How would I know? Complaints to OfCom are anonymous.
Stephanie: I have a feeling the diary knows… [Prepares to turn to another page]
Clara: Alright! Alright! Yes, it was me who complained to OfCom!
Natalie: [aghast] You!!
Stuart: [frowning at Natalie] Did you seriously not know that? The whole country has worked out that it was Clara!
Clara: And I’m damn glad I did. My solo presenting was the best part of the series!
Natalie: [snorts] It was a train-wreck from start to finish – embarrassing to watch!
Stuart: Ladies, ladies! We’ve heard enough from both of you. It’s kind of sad to see things the way they are. At the start of the series you two were getting on so well together, but something seems to have built up between you. Something… I can’t quite find the word for it…
Stephanie: An antipathy?
Stuart: No, it’s stronger than that.
Stephanie: A resentment?
Stuart: Mmmm, not quite.
Clara: [rolls her eyes, knowing where this is going] A grudge?
Stuart and Stephanie together: Yes, that’s it! A grudge!!
The audience cheers wildly; like Clara, they are now in no doubt as to what will follow.
Stephanie: Oh yes, indeed, there’s quite a grudge festering away between you sorry pair! It’s gone on too long, and Stuart and I are fed up with it!
Stuart: The whole nation is fed up with it!
Stephanie: Which is why tonight, we are going to settle this grudge, and settle it once and for all, in the time-honoured style!
Natalie: Okay, fair enough, but there’s one thing that confuses me.
Stuart: Only one?
Natalie: When are these celebrity contestants turning up?
Clara: [wearily] It’s us, Nat, it’s us.
Stuart: Oh yes, it’s you indeed. Natalie Lloyd and Clara Quick, you are tonight’s contestants. Now let’s take a look at what you’re playing for!!
Stuart and Stephanie turn and lead Natalie and Clara towards the stage’s centrepiece. Stuart waves his wand. A fanfare blares out, brilliant white sparks explode either side of the pool, the audience roars. The dry-ice dispels, and spotlights sear downwards onto the pool’s contents.
Clara: Oh my god!
Natalie puts her hand over her mouth and nose.
The design of that confronts the duo is a replica of the show’s logo, painstakingly dyed into the sludge – the red and blue ‘GRUDGE’, complete with the iconic finger-pointing silhouettes; a golden ‘2’; and the dripping text “SLUDGE”, rimmed in black and filled in a sickly brown. As a background to the logo, the outer expanse of sludge is a greener variant of that brown. It is sloppy and wet looking, yet also matte, opaque, and coarsely lumpy – like a concentrated manure. It has been smoothed over where the logo is painted, but elsewhere it rises in mounds up to half a foot tall. To emphasise the theme further, straw is scattered across this pooey terrain.
Stephanie: Oh yes, quite a farmyard special we’ve got lined up, isn’t it? Man, have the crew suffered for their art mixing this batch up! But hey, they know it’ll all be worth it when one of you two is sitting on that seat across the way!
Natalie: [Face tight with disgust] Hmmm… well… maybe things between me and Clara aren’t as rocky as I first thought.
Clara: [taking a step back] Yeah… really it’s nothing that can’t be sorted out over a cup of tea. I mean, that’s the British way, isn’t it?
Stephanie: Oh, but come on! Don’t you want the chance to sit on that throne, pull that chain, and send your nemesis to her utter destruction?
Natalie: Well yeah, I s’pose so…
Clara: Would be kinda cool, I guess…
Stuart: Think about it, Natalie: Clara dobbed you in to OfCom! There’s no bigger betrayal one TV star can inflict on another! You can’t let it pass without punishment!
Natalie: [resolve hardening] That’s very true, Stuart.
Stephanie: And Clara, if you don’t stick up for Mr Cuddly, who will?
Clara: [firmly] You’re right, sis. [Shouts out] Mr Cuddly, I’ll make that bad woman pay for what she did to you!
Natalie: Will you heck! You’re going down, smalltits! [points downward with both hands]
Clara: [Advances on Natalie] No I’m not, you plastic-pumped pinhead! Prepare to eat that muck!
Natalie: [Screaming] MY BOOBS ARE NOT FAKE!!!
Stuart: [stepping between the women] Woah woah, ladies! Best save your passion for the games!
Stephanie: That’s right. Natalie and Clara, you’ve enjoyed ruling the roost, submitting those poor contestants to all manner of ignominy, but tonight the tables are turning! Tonight you submit to Stuart and me as we put you through the wringer – in three rounds of demanding, demeaning and downright dirty combat!
Stuart: And you’ll have take whatever we throw at you, and grit your teeth through the torment, because the price for losing is far, far worse!
Natalie: Ooo, I love it when you get all domineering, Stuey-kins.
Clara: Hang on a minute. The winner is of the match is supposed to get a prize, so what do we get for winning?
Natalie: Yeah, good point, Clara. What’s the prize?
Stephanie: Oh, it’s an absolutely splendid prize, wouldn’t you say, Stuart?
Stuart: [nodding] Sure is, Stephanie. A most heavenly prize!
Stephanie: It’s quite simply the best prize this show can offer.
Natalie and Clara together: [impatient] What is it?
Stuart: [points at the sludge pool] You get to avoid going in here!
Natalie and Clara groan.
Stephanie: [turns to the audience] Ladies and gents, are you feeling at all sorry for them?
Audience: NO!!
Stuart: Oh dear, but perhaps you feel slightly less sorry for one of them than the other, and as always on Grudge-2-Sludge, we’re going to let you have your say!
Stephanie: Get your fingers ready folks, because those keypads in front of you are about to record their most important vote yet!
Stuart: As always, you are voting for the contestant you think should get to sit on that throne and send their rival in. So, if you disapprove of Clara’s intellectual snobbery, and think she was well out of order to sneak off to OfCom, then help Natalie to sling Miss Quick in the brown and thick, by pushing the red button!
Natalie noisily appeals to audience, while Clara adamantly shakes her head.
Stephanie: But maybe you feel very differently. Maybe you feel that Miss Lloyd is nothing but a big bully, and that daring to abuse someone’s teddy is an unforgivable crime. In which case, hand Clara her best chance to make Nat go splat, by pushing the blue button!
This time it is Clara who urges the audience on, while Natalie appears incensed by the very suggestion.
Stuart: Side with Natalie, or support Clara – the choice is yours, and you have fifteen seconds in which to make it!
The audience members reach for their keypads. Some people show no hesitation in punching in their heartfelt preference. Others deeply agonise over the decision.
Poll closes at 10 pm Friday 27th September
Alternative link
The klaxon blasts.
Stephanie: The votes are in, and perhaps history has just been made. Natalie and Clara, we are going to apportion points according to the usual rules, but there’s a slight change to when we do it – instead of revealing the result ahead of Round 3, we’re going to leave it until the very end of the match, to ratchet up the suspense even more! Understand?
Natalie and Clara nod.
Stuart: As for you folks at home, plump up your cushions, order a pizza, pour yourself your favourite beverage, and sit back as this epic tournament unfolds!
Stephanie: [shrugs expansively] Just who will end up in our stink-sational season-stopping sludge?! Will it be crafty Clara, or will it be nasty Natalie? The blonde or the brunette? The boffin or the bimbo? Whatever happens, we need to make sure it’s fair and square, so let’s hear you two make the pledge!
Stuart: Natalie Shannon Lloyd and Clara Constanze Quick…
Natalie: [sniggers] Constanze!
Stuart: …Do you pledge to put up a fair fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Stephanie and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?
Natalie: [confused] So does this mean I’m not a presenter any more?
Clara: Just say ‘I do’, for goodness’ sake!
Natalie: Alright, I do.
Clara: And I do too.
Stephanie: Then let’s see the handshake!
Standing before the lumpy sludge and its giant incarnation of the show’s logo, the two women, dressed in their glamorous gala gowns, their gorgeous legs peeking through the slits, face each other. A mere 15 minutes ago, neither had any idea the show would take this turn.
Clara: [steely] This is for Mr Cuddly.
Natalie: [defiant] This is for calling my boobs fake!
The right hands of the dastardly duo connect, and a camera click sounds. The frozen image fades to sepia, and then the scene zooms away from it. We see a virtual wall, on which this snapshot is the latest amongst the ten others: from Gemma and Siobhan in the pilot episode, to Prisha and Georgia in the show just passed.
Apologies to anyone who feels click-baited by the title, but I didn’t want it to be too obvious what was going to happen (I expect a lot of you guessed correctly anyway).