All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
Another advert break plays through (tragically, Natalie’s PPI advert has been dropped from the schedule now that the claims deadline has passed). The show returns with the dazzling orange vision that is the sludge pool. The canopy of soap suds has further receded since the start of the show, exposing more of the sticky, gloopy sludge underneath. The slogan LIVE AT LET DYE looms large on the screen.
The camera rises and we see four figures standing at the back of the pool, congregated around the leather-upholstered seat of the Sludge Sling. The bar of the medieval catapult provides a useful barrier between Prisha and Georgia, and also between Natalie and Clara, whose relations are icy after the pranks they played on each other.
Natalie: Hi again! Natalie Lloyd here! You’re watching Grudge-2-Sludge, where a hair-raising experience is guaranteed!
Clara: Also with me, Clara Quick. Tonight we settle a grudge between Prisha Bhandari, hairdresser from Barnet, and her student trainee, Georgia Platt. Prisha says Georgia is lazy, loutish and lacklustre; Georgia thinks Prish prim, prudish and penny-pinching!
Natalie: It’s a glaring bald patch that can no longer be combed over, which is why our contestants are competing to give the other a makeover in the Grudge-2-Sludge beauty bath! [Gestures in front of her] And what a sight it is! [Wrinkles nose] Bit of a strange smell, too. Clara, do you know what the fragrance is?
Clara: I think it’s gerbil essences, Nat. Anyway, in the race to avoid a sludgy restyle, Prisha has 20 points, while Georgia trails on 15. Prisha, you’re in a good position here, yet you still seem a bit apprehensive!
Prisha: Well Natalie, as a businesswoman, I don’t rest on my laurels until the job is done. The end of the working day – that’s the time to put one’s feet up.
Clara: Mmm, and in your case have them pedicured for free by your trainee! But Georgia, my dear, as things stand you’re facing a fate even smellier than your boss’s feet! Not looking good for you, is it?
Georgia: [masticating her bubble gum] Listen Clara, I screwed up in Flan the Frauds, but I also ran rings round Prish in the physical round. Well, we’ve got another physical round coming, so I’m confident I’m gonna storm it.
Natalie: Good point – things are going to get very physical in the final round! But don’t forget, before that happens, we have the results of our audience poll to absorb. Computer, you’ve done a sterling job keeping schtum, as always; now show us how the votes fell!
The studio lights fall, and in the audience, each seat lights up either red or blue to indicate the vote of its occupant.
Georgia: [aghast] No way!!
The one-sidedness of opinion is plain to see, with red seats outnumbering blue seats by nearly two to one.
Clara: Yes way! A clear majority backing your boss there!
Natalie: To be precise, 65% of our audience are pro-Prisha, while Georgia’s on the mind of only 35%!
Clara: Those percentages carve up nice and neatly to award 13 points to our red player, who also gets the tiebreaker advantage. As for our blue, she gets a mere 7 points!
Natalie: Which means Prisha progresses to 33 points, increasing her lead over Georgia, who’s on 22!
Clara: Oooh! Two little ducks for Georgia, and an even bigger likelihood of a big duck! [Puts hand on Georgia’s shoulder] How’s the sludge looking now, hun?
Georgia doesn’t want to give an evaluation of the orange horror in front of her. Instead, she rapidly inflates and pops a bubble, sucks it back into her mouth, then turns her ire on the audience.
Georgia: I can’t believe they supported Prish over me! I mean, she’s a modern-day slavedriver!
Natalie: Perhaps they think she’s a stickler for hard work, something you’re a bit shy of!
Clara: Look on the bright side – you have got some friends out there, and what’s more, one of them is going to help you out, in our feature Find a Friend!!
Natalie: And Prisha, don’t worry – we’ll find you a friend too. Computer, please select at random, one supporter of each player!
Futuristic music sounds as the seat lighting switches off in stages. Soon just a handful of seats of each colour remain lit, scattered around the studio, the occupants looking about themselves nervously.
Thereafter all lights but two are extinguished. Sitting in the red-lit seat, a girl smiles sheepishly as she plays with her long, curly, black hair. In the seat illuminated in blue, a girl with shorter honey-blonde hair has her hand over her face while her head shakes slowly.
Clara: Oh, they’re delighted as ever! Come and join us, ladies; there’s no time to lose!
The two women shuffle out of their rows, down the stairs and up onto the stage. Both are in their early twenties. The curly-haired girl chosen for the red side is tall, leggy and slim. The honey-blonde, whose hair is trimmed just shy of her shoulders, is a bit shorter and chunkier, though still taller than either of the contestants. The two girls stand next to their respective team-mates.
Natalie: [To the curly-haired girl] Hi! Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge! Can you give us your name, please?
Curly-haired girl: Alice.
Natalie: Alice, you look like a carefree young lady, much closer to Georgia’s age than Prisha’s – no offence, Prish – yet you’ve chosen to support the stern boss over the student. Why is that?
Alice: [smiles] Well, in the end I asked myself, who would I want doing my hair? And Prisha was the definite answer!
Natalie: Hmm, then perhaps you should have voted the opposite way, because in this next game, it’s Georgia who’ll be ‘doing’ your hair!
Clara: More on that in a minute! But first let’s say hello to our other audience member. Your name is…?
Honey-blonde: Uh, hi, I’m Sophie.
Clara: Nice to have you on the show, Sophie. You’re in the minority who voted in favour of Georgia. Why so?
Sophie: Georgia’s no angel, it has to be said, but what swung it for me was Prisha ordering Georgia to cut her hair and not paying her for it. That’s not on in this day and age!
Natalie: Strong feelings on both sides, and it’s just as well. You see, Alice and Sophie, because your team-mates are too precious to get their hair messy during the game rounds, it’s going to be your locks in the firing line! [strokes Alice’s hair to make the point, while Clara ruffles Sophie’s]
Clara: Yes, you can blame your team-mates for that. Let’s hope they can count on your help at all!
Natalie: Well Clara, there is the £250 cash prize for whichever helper secures the best performance for their contestant in the round.
Clara: That’s true. And there’s also the forfeit, which will see the worse-performing helper get even messier!
Alice and Sophie react anxiously to this reminder.
Natalie: Yep, high stakes all round. So away you go backstage. Get changed and get ready… for Round Three!
ROUND 3: Shampoo Shambles
The scene of the final showdown is mocked up like an upmarket salon, with mirrors lining the back wall. Much of the floor area is composed of a grille (presumably to allow easy drainage), across which two rails run, front to back. Mounted on each of these rails is a salon-style chair, and seated in these chairs are Alice and Sophie. Each is wearing a full-length salon cape of her player colour, but with the interesting addition of a wide ring at neck level, so that their head is in the middle of the ring, with netting reaching down to their chests. Their hands protrude from below this net, clasping at what appears to be some kind of spray gun, while their feet rest on cycling pedals.
Running above each rail is some kind of line or cable, with a set of pulleys at each end. The lines terminate where the floor grille ends, at a waist-high barrier. In front of this barrier, the floor is solid, and a few meters further forward are a pair of troughs, filled with soapy water.
Natalie and Clara walk onto the set.
Natalie: Ah! Here we are at the Grudge-2-Sludge salon! [Glances towards Alice and Sophie] Ready for your course of haircare, girls?
Alice and Sophie reply with apprehensive half-affirmations.
Clara: Hey, don’t be so reluctant. A lot of women would pay good money for this! But at the moment it looks like your follicles won’t be getting any attention, cos our stylists haven’t shown up yet.
Natalie: T’salright Clara. They’re coming now. Come on you two!
Prisha and Georgia waddle onto the set. They are wearing salon tunics, not dissimilar to Prisha’s own but a bit plainer and bearing the Grudge-2-Sludge logo. The reason they are waddling is because they are wearing oversized, padded sneakers on their feet. Similarly their hands are encased in comedy-sized mittens. As before, the showercaps are firmly on.
Clara: Hi there ladies! Sorry about the inconvenient hand- and footwear, but it’s in your own interests to protect those nice nails of yours!
Natalie: And in our interests to protect ourselves from your smelly feet, Prish!
Prisha glares at Natalie.
Clara: This game is called Shampoo Shambles, and what I’d like you to do is get in place opposite your opponent’s teammate. That’s it…
Georgia stands in front of the rail on which Alice’s chair is mounted, while Prisha stands level with Sophie.
Natalie: Now this is another game that is simple in concept, but perhaps not so easy in practice! In these troughs here are dozens of bottles of hair products. There are three types: sloppy shampoo, creamy conditioner, and the biggest, heaviest and messiest of all: hell’s gel!
Clara: What you need to do is retrieve these bottles from the trough. You’ll find that each bottle has a hook on the bottom, with which you can attach the bottle to the line. Then, turn the handle on the pulley to move the bottle into position above your unwilling customer!
Alice and Sophie giggle nervously.
Natalie: Why do you want to do all this? Because, once the bottle’s contents have been dispensed, a token will be released. You’ll need to get that token inside the netting attached to your opponent’s teammate’s cape in order to win points!
Clara: Yes, each bottle of sloppy shampoo contains a bronze token worth a single point, each bottle of creamy conditioner contains a silver token worth two points, but a bottle of hell’s gel – well that contains a gold token worth four points!
Natalie: Alice and Sophie, once the game starts you’ll find that your seats will automatically progress forwards on those rails, making it easier for Prisha and Georgia to reach you. But you can resist that motion by pedalling backwards. You also have at your disposal a soap gun, with which to fluster your opponent!
Clara: So is everybody ready?
Determined nodding all round.
Natalie: Two minutes on the clock – let’s splosh and go!!
The klaxon blasts. Natalie and Clara clear the area. Prisha and Georgia jog awkwardly with their oversized feet to their respective troughs and plunge their arms into the soapy water. Meanwhile, as explained by the presenters, the seats of Alice and Sophie begin to glide forwards on the rails, towards the barrier. Both start pedaling backwards to counter this motion.
Georgia lifts out of a bottle labelled ‘sloppy shampoo’ from her trough, clutching it precariously between her oversized mittens. But it slips away and plops into the water, causing to Georgia to swear. Meanwhile, Prisha has lifted out a bottle of the creamy conditioner from her trough, and manages to keep a grip on it as she carries it over to her line. As soon as she upturns it, the stuff begins glugging out, splashing her salon tunic with an opaque, pale yellow goo. Prisha hurriedly hooks the bottle onto her line. It is impossible to grip the pulley handle with a single mittened hand, but by squeezing it with both mitts, she is able to turn the handle with a concerted motion of her arms. The conditioner continues to glug out of the bottle as it swings along the line, towards a worried Sophie. The girl pedals hard to move away, but the bottle gains ground on her. Remembering the soap gun, Sophie squeezes the trigger. A blob of white fires out and splatters on Prisha’s torso, further coating her tunic in white. Prisha squawks, but is undeterred in her turning of the handle. The conditioner bottle arrives in position above Sophie, and there’s not much the girl can do as the creamy goo plops onto her honey-blonde hair. The bottle empties and the token drops out, landing on Sophie’s head and sliding into the net below.
Meanwhile, Georgia has attached a bottle of sloppy shampoo to the line and begins the turning the handle. Translucent blue slime, imbued with bubbles, spills out and through the grille. Alice squeezes the trigger on her gun. The shot of soap hits Georgia straight in the face, turning it white, to the amusement not only of Natalie and Clara, who chuckle from off-set, but also Alice herself, mighty pleased with aim. The indignity only drives Georgia to redouble her efforts, and before Alice knows what has happened, the shampoo bottle is above her, glugging its contents onto her curly hair. She tries to pedal away, but this only causes the blue goo to splash in her face. The token drops, successfully snagging in the net.
Next Prisha heaves a bumper-size bottle of hell’s gel onto her line. The contents are thick and green, glooping down ominously as the bottle approaches Sophie. Sophie fires off a couple of soapy salvos, further spraying Prisha in white, but there’s no escape. The gel comes down thick and heavy, blanketing Sophie’s shorter hair in bright green. Soon after, Alice’s longer locks get similar treatment courtesy of Georgia.
The game goes on and the tokens clock up. Alice and Sophie find it increasingly difficult to pedal away from their opponents, both because of growing tiredness and because the rate at which the rail drives them forward has been steadily increasing. This means more mess for them and more success for Prisha and Georgia. But it’s not all plain sailing for the stylists. Prisha and Georgia become increasingly coated in white from the soap guns, and the mixture of water and spilt hair products forms a slippery slick on the floor. Prisha slides over onto her backside, spilling a large amount of creamy conditioner over herself in the process. Georgia does likewise shortly after.
Natalie: Ten seconds left, buds! Nine! [Clara and audience joins in] EIGHT!!
Georgia picks herself up and plunges her arms into the trough. Prisha hooks her bottle of creamy conditioner onto her line.
Natalie, Clara and audience: SEVEN!! SIX!! FIVE!!
Georgia hooks a bottle of hell’s gel onto the line. Meanwhile, Prisha’s bottle empties before she can get in place over Sophie. The token falls away down the grille.
Natalie, Clara and audience: FOUR!! THREE!! TWO!!
Georgia gets her bottle in position over Alice. Pedal as she might, the girl can’t escape the green downpour.
Natalie, Clara and audience: ONE!!! STOP!!!
The klaxon blasts. Above Alice the gel bottle empties and the token drops.
Clara: [walking onto the set] Okay! Let’s stop it there! Georgia, that final token went in after the klaxon, so I’m afraid it doesn’t count.
Georgia: Arrgh, what!?
Natalie: [follows after Clara] Rules are rules, lassie. Oh dear me, what a mess!
To be sure, Alice’s and Sophie’s hair is completely covered with a colourful combination of yellow, green and blue, as are their faces and much of their capes. Prisha and Georgia are heavily splattered with soap, including their faces and (unfortunately) their showercaps.
Clara: Indeed, but who fared best from it? Let’s count up the credits!
The salon chairs move forwards along the rails until they arrive at the barriers. Squeamishly, Natalie begins to pick the tokens out of the netting that surrounds Sophie’s torso and drops them into neat piles on the floor.
Natalie: [Pulling a face] Do excuse me if my hand gets a bit friendly, Sophie. Purely business, not pleasure! [Rumages around a bit longer] Right that’s defintely all of them… Let’s see now… So, you have two bronze tokens, four silver, and three gold. That makes… [waits for answer in her earpiece] 22 points! Which means, Prisha, you finish tonight’s episode with a tally of… 55 points!
Prisha nods, quietly hopeful but not celebrating yet.
Clara: Mmm, 55’s not a particularly high score. In fact, if Prisha does win, it’ll be the second-lowest winning score of the series, the lowest being Isabella from episode 1, who won with 52 points.
Natalie: Gaww, you’re such a nerd!
Clara: But on the other hand, Georgia, you have a lot of ground to make up. 22 is your current score. Prisha has the tiebreaker advantage (we’ve not had to invoke it so far, but might tonight be the night?) so you need no fewer than 34 points to escape the sludge and put your boss in there instead! Have… you… done… it?!
Clara walks over to the seat occupied by Alice. Georgia takes out some bubblegum that she has stashed inside her costume and starts fervently chewing. Prisha, her confidence fading under the tension, presses her palms together in prayer. Clara turns the net inside-out, so that all the tokens spill on the floor.
Natalie: Why didn’t I think of that?
Clara uses her foot to arrange the tokens by colour.
Clara: So Georgia, you have four bronze… three silver… four gold, but let’s not forget that one of those golds was outside of time [kicks the token away]. So three gold. Georgia, you did it a different way, but you scored the same as Prisha – 22!!
Prisha: [knees buckling] Thank you, thank you!
The bubble that Georgia is blowing bursts, sticking across her cheek.
Clara: So that means your final score is 44, which – sorry to bore you with stats – is actually the lowest finishing score of the whole series!
Georgia has both hands pressed on her showercap. She turns away from the camera and kicks the barrier. Prisha, meanwhile, has gone through the initial relief and now cackles as she regards her defeated opponent.
Natalie: Oi! No need to trash the set! Prisha, congratulations; we’ll deal with you both in a bit, but first we need to settle the accounts of our awkward customers, Alice and Sophie!
Clara opens up sections of the barrier to allow Alice and Sophie out of their chairs. The pair stand up and take the opportunity to wipe their faces.
Clara: And awkward customers they are indeed, because they’ve only gone and tied the round!
Natalie: Seeing as you did equally well, we’re going to split that cash prize between you. So you get £125 apiece – not bad for a night’s work!
There’s some applause from the audience.
Alice: [smoothing the gunge out of her hair] Thanks very much! So I guess we’ll be off then.
Sophie: Yep, which way’s the exit?
Clara: Ho ho ho! Not so fast! You see, ladies, since you get to share the prize, it’s only fair you also [Natalie joins in] share the punishment!
Alice and Sophie gulp.
Natalie: Oh yes, the forfeit awaits! In fact, those capes are bit too protective, so let’s have them off!
Alice and Sophie reluctantly remove their capes. Reluctantly because their [mostly clean] bodies underneath are clad only in underwear.
Clara: Oh, we’ve been right scrooges in the costume department this episode – well, we are near the end of the series. Right, come with me, you two!
Clara leads the squirming, underwear-clad girls over to a larger, leather-upholstered seat. It is a tight fit, but the pair are able to wedge in next to each other.
Clara: Don’t know why you’re so unhappy about this. You’ve already had the five-star hair treatment; now this is going to work wonders for your skin as well. [Hurries away from the scene] Okay, good luck girls!
Natalie: [calling] First let’s have the rinse!
Water sloshes onto Alice and Sophie from either side – evidently very cold water, judging by the way they scream. It does at least wash some of the excess mess from their hair and faces.
Clara: And now the mud pack!
A siren whoops as a column of clayey mud descends onto Sophie. It rapidly smothers her hair and face, then oozes onwards over her shoulders and torso, while Alice stays relatively unscathed.
Natalie runs up and nudges the chair, so that Alice takes her turn under the column. By the time it finishes, both players are caked in the mud.
Natalie: It’s only designed for one person. Now then, Clara, what’s the best way to get them dry?
Clara: Talcum powder of course!
Right on cue, huge amounts of white powder drop on the girls. The excess billows in clouds, while the bulk sticks to the water and mud. By time the clouds clear, the pair are totally encrusted in white, looking very much alike!
Natalie: And how’s that for a double wammy! Towel and toiletry packs go to them, as should your appreciation, folks! Alice and Sophie!
The two powdered girls, still somewhat bewildered, wave as the audience applauds.
Natalie and Clara return their attention to Prisha and Georgia, the former of whom is in considerably sunnier spirits than the latter.
Clara: Always fun when there’s a tie. And speaking of fun, there’s plenty more coming up – though maybe not for someone! [Goads Georgia]
Natalie: And to make sure nothing spoils the fun, it’s time to get rid of this!
Natalie pulls Prisha’s showercap off her head. Prisha’s hair unfurls, falling about her shoulders. The audience cheers.
Clara: Oh yes, and it is most definitely time to get rid of this!
Gleefully, Clara pinches the top of Georgia’s showercap and pulls it off. The sour-faced girl’s ponytail fold out.
Natalie: Ah ha! The hair is out! Just in time for our salon appointment! Prisha, you know what the appointment is, don’t you?
Prisha: [Smarmily] Oh yes. I’ve been waiting for it to happen for a considerable time.
Clara: And Georgia, you know what the appointment is, don’t you?
Georgia silently answers Clara with a black look.
Natalie: She’s her usual sullen self, but she knows very well! And you know too, ladies and gents. It’s time for…
Natalie and Clara together: …THE SLUDGE SLING!!
The much-anticipated Sludge Sling title sequence plays, after which the word DYE fills the screen – bold blue upon garish orange. The camera glides forward, taking in the rest of the slogan then continuing its journey over the surface of the sludge. Apart from a few isolated patches, the soap suds have now fizzed out, leaving the main substance of the orange goo on show – smooth, thick and opaque. The camera passes over contrasting spotches of purple, brown, and forest green, then arrives at the pool’s edge and begins to rise.
The first we see of Georgia is her bare feet – small feet, with toenails artistically painted in pale blue. Because of her small stature, Georgia’s bare legs are not as bunched up as those of many of the seat’s previous occupants; to the contrary, she has to stretch them slightly to get good contact with the footrest. In this position, a view straight up Georgia’s miniskirt is on offer to millions of viewers, and there’s not much Georgia can be do about it other than clamp her thighs together and press her hands against her skirt. Unlike her lack of bra, Georgia is actually wearing a pair of panties, but said black number is thonged, and the pink curves of her round buttocks, pressed against the seat, are on show.
Speaking of lack of bra, Georgia’s nipples are already insistently indenting her leopard-print top. Her strap-clad shoulders are slightly hunched, and her eyeshadow accentuates the worried frown on her face. Georgia could dearly do with some stress relief in the form of her bubblegum, but this has been denied for health and safety reasons. She jumps when a hand comes down from behind her and grabs of her ponytail.
Clara: [in a saccharine voice] Oh yes! Our beauty-bath treatment is going to work wonders for these locks of yours!
The camera zooms out a bit, and Clara comes into view, standing behind Georgia. She wields a comb in one hand as she pretends to prep Georgia’s hair.
Clara: Nice day today, isn’t it? Where you going on your holidays? Got anywhere nice booked? Wait, don’t tell me… Australia!
Georgia: [frowning, cranes her head round at Clara] Australia??
Clara: Yeah, cos it looks like you’re heading down under – he he he!!
Georgia groans as the camera continues its outward zoom. As usual, the ambient lighting is dimmed, while intense overheard lights bear down on the sludge, and a stark spotlight singles out the sludge’s soon-to-be victim. A second spotlight illuminates the victor in this contest: Prisha, dressed in her stylish sleeveless salon tunic and leggings, is upon the throne, adopting a most queenly pose. Her arms and back are straight and stately, and a prim smirk graces her face as she peers smugly down upon Georgia’s discomfort. Natalie stands ready to interview the winner.
Natalie: Congratulations, Prisha! A comfortable and well-deserved win for you there! Georgia took an early lead after the first round, but you cut her down to size in the second, and with audience opinion on your side it was shampoo, set and match to you! Now your slapdash student has an appointment booked at our slapstick salon! Is this a makeover that will make your day?
Prisha: [gushing] It most certainly is, Natalie. I told you at the beginning of the show that I thought most the episodes had gone the correct way, and none more so than this one!
Clara: Ohh dear, Georgia, she really is rubbing it in, isn’t she? [Pretends to massage Georgia’s hair] But though things are looking pretty hairy for you right now, there are a few highlights of hope. We’re going to give you the opportunity to get some small measure of revenge on Prisha, and mess up the hair she so desperately wants to keep immaculate. It’s probably more than you deserve, but hey, every condemned prisoner is entitled to a Three-course Ordeal!!
From out of the dingy recesses at the back of the stage, Natalie wheels a serving trolley, whistling Oh I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside (rather out of tune). Rattling on the trolley are three pieces of ornate silverware: a tureen marked ‘Gloop of the Day’, a serving dish badged ‘Manky Mains’, and a lidded tub with the label ‘Just Desserts’.
Clara: As you may have guessed from Nat’s whistling – or maybe not; she’s pretty tone-deaf – tonight’s Ordeal picks up the seaside theme from Round One. Georgia, in order to get these goodies poured over Prisha, you must correctly the answer the multiple-choice questions I’m about to put to you.
Natalie: [indignant] Nothing wrong with my whistling! But Georgia, there’s also a risk things will get even worse for you than they already are. Answer a question incorrectly, and it’ll be your own hair getting some pre-treatment before the sludge, much to your boss’s satisfaction I’m sure!
Clara: Do you understand, my girl?
Georgia: [steely] Yep.
Clara: Then let’s get started. What’s the Gloop of the Day, Nat?
Natalie: [lifting the lid off the tureen] Gloop of the Day – freshly foraged this morning – is seaweed!
The mouths of both Georgia and Prisha curl up in disgust.
Clara: Hey, don’t diss it – really good for your hair, seaweed. Anyway Georgia, here’s your question: when it comes to barnet-based drama, the story of Samson and Delilah is quite literally of biblical proportions. We’re all familiar with the tale [the deepening of Georgia’s frown indicates she isn’t], in which Delilah seduces Samson and cuts off his long hair, robbing him of his legendary strength. But in which book of the Old Testament does the story feature. Is it
Proverbs?
Numbers?
or Judges?
Georgia puffs, rasping through her lips, eyes looking upwards as she considers.
Georgia: Erm… Is it a proverb? Don’t let a bird cut your hair? Can’t see what’s it got to do with numbers… number of hairs, maybe…? [Strokes chin] Or is it Judges? Well I guess the guy was a bad judge of women…
Clara: Much as I’d like to listen to you expound on theology, I do need an answer at some point.
Georgia: Alright then – Judges.
Clara: [slowly shaking her head] Georgia, that was the worst piece of reasoning I’ve ever heard.
Georgia shrugs sourly. The smirk returns to Prisha’s face.
Clara: All the more the annoying that you arrived at the right answer!
Georgia: What? Ha!!
Georgia clenches a fist in surprised delight. Prisha’s face falls.
Natalie: And that means Gloop of the Day is coming Prisha’s way!
Natalie picks up the tureen. A couple of strands of seaweed protrude from the rim, draped over the container’s exterior. She carries it over to the throne and ascends the steps at the back. Eagerly, she tilts the tureen, then recoils.
Natalie: Where did that come from?!
Prisha has produced a showercap from somewhere and taken the opportunity to slip it on. It sits primly on her head, her hair gathered underneath.
Clara: She must have smuggled it in! Well it’s not staying on – that’s for sure!
Clara marches over to the throne and climbs the steps next to Natalie, her arm reaching down to snatch the showercap.
Prisha: [clinging on] No no, come on now! This isn’t fair! I’m the winner!
Clara snatches away the showercap. Prisha’s hair billows free as before, much to her dismay.
Clara: You know the rules! As you were, Nat.
Natalie recommences the pour. Strands of seaweed slide out of the tureen, slapping against the head of the whimpering Indian. Green and black, the seaweed drapes itself over her face and sleeveless shoulders, but even worse is the green goo in which the weed is soaked. It pours over Prisha’s hair, flattening her volumised curls and covering her bronze highlights, then proceeds to splatter over her salon tunic. Natalie upends the tureen and a final heap of seaweed drops out, making Prisha squeal in distress.
Natalie: Nice and invigorating Prisha? No? Some folks would pay a lot of money for that kind of hair treatment!
Prisha continues to whimper as she peels off bits of seaweed and flings them away from herself.
Clara: Georgia, your boss wasn’t at all keen on that, and you’ve got two more chances to make her squirm. Coming up, it’s the Manky… hang on, what’s that?!
Clara whips her hand down the back of Georgia’s miniskirt and whisks something out of the girl’s crack. She unfolds the object and waves it about in an incriminating manner – it is another showercap.
Natalie: She’s got one as well?
Clara: Yep, hoping to slip it on when the Sling’s about to launch, no doubt.
Georgia curses at being thwarted.
Natalie: [Claps her hands] Right, you two! Any more unauthorised protective gear?
Prisha and Georgia shake their heads.
Clara: Better not be – or there’ll be trouble! Next up is the Manky Mains. What’s on the menu?
Natalie: [pulls the lid of fthe serving dish] Oh, it’s a real classic, this one – jellied eels!
Georgia and Prisha simultaneously groan in disbelief.
Clara: That’ll serve you right for sneaking in those showercaps! Georgia, here’s your question… [looks at card] Ooh, this’ll test if you’ve been paying attention at college! On average, how much does human hair grow in a year? Is it
Six inches?
Nine inches?
Or one foot?
Georgia: Ugh… I’m not that hot on theory.
Clara: [bemused] You’re not that hot on the practical side either!
Georgia: …Well, I don’t think it’s as much as a foot. Could be nine inches, I suppose… Meh, I reckon it’s six inches. Yep, I’m going with six inches.
Clara: Sure? There are jellied eels riding on this.
Georgia: Sure.
Clara: Prisha, do you have any comment on your trainee’s answer?
Prisha: [flustered] Well, some people’s hair can grow a foot in a year!
Clara: Some people’s, maybe, but we’re talking about the average, and Georgia is absolutely right!
Natalie: Jellied eels for the guv’nor!
Natalie lifts the serving dish and returns to the throne. A few people begin chanting “Eels!! Eels!! Eels!!” and Georgia joins in, clapping. Prisha’s face is screwed up and contorted as if she has just chomped on a lemon. She lets out a soft, whimpering moan as Natalie tips the dish above her head. The jelly is runnier than it would usually be, and pours out in a clear and shiny but rough layer, flowing over the green goo and remnant bits of seaweed. Prisha’s hair is now completely straightened and lank, hanging heavily about her face as she tries to lean forward. Then, the eels start dropping and she really starts to scream. Natalie, never one to show mercy, slings the remainder of the serving dish over the Indian’s front, soaking her face and salon tunic with the jelly and pelting her with more eels. Georgia laughs in delight.
Clara: Ohh, your boss is loving this, isn’t she? And you’ve still got the chance to give her her Just Desserts, as soon as Nat can reveal what they are…
Natalie: [hurrying back to the trolley] Alright, give me a second! [Unclasps lid on tub] Tonight’s Just Desserts are some raspberry-ripple ice cream, semi-melted!!
Clara: Ooh nice. Right Georgia, stay focussed. Final question: Phobos and Deimos are moons of which planet? Is it
Mars?
Saturn?
Or – no sniggering in the audience, please – Uranus?
Clueless, Georgia doesn’t even bother to reason this one out.
Georgia: [shrugs] Saturn?
Clara, a small smirk on her face, shakes her head.
Georgia: Aw, damn!! I should’ve gone with Uranus!
A few people giggle in the audience.
Clara: [pointing a finger] Oi!! No sniggering, I said! Georgia, I have to go with the answer you gave first, Saturn, which is incorrect. But in any case, Uranus is the wrong entry too. [To audience] WHAT PART OF ‘NO SNIGGERING’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!! The answer is Mars; give her her Just Desserts!
Natalie: It’ll be a pleasure to do so!
Taking the tub (which has a carry handle) in one hand, and a scoop in the other, Natalie goes over to the catapult and climbs onto the platform behind it.
Prisha: Hey, this isn’t fair! Ice cream isn’t as disgusting as those things that went on me!
Natalie: Oh, so you want the ice cream as well?
Prisha: [waving arms frantically] No! No! I didn’t say that!
Natalie: Besides, at least I didn’t put the jellied eels here!
Natalie pulls open the back of Georgia’s miniskirt and deposits a scoop of ice cream down the girl’s crack. Georgia shrieks as the cold creamy slop slides between her buns.
Natalie: Well it is a knickerbocker glory!
Natalie deposits a second scoop down there for good measure, then proceeds to heap the ice cream onto Georgia’s chest. The braless girl gasps, wide-mouthed and -eyed, as the ice cream chills her through her top, her nipples standing even more prominently to attention. But of course, Natalie saves the bulk of the ice cream for tipping over Georgia’s white-blonde hair. An even whiter layer of goo, fissured with pink, spreads and melds over Georgia’s head. Georgia shrieks and arches as the cold goo flows onto her shoulders. Prisha chuckles at the spectacle, her complaints forgotten.
Clara: What the problem, Georgia? I hear it’s better for your hair to wash it cold! Anyway, you got two out of three – best performance we’ve had a for a while – and Prisha is certainly less smug than she started! But don’t start celebrating, girl, cos your reprieve is over and your beauty bath awaits!
While the Hallelujah Chorus rings out around the studio, the ‘gold’ and ‘jewel’-studded chain-pull is lowered from the ceiling. Prisha barely notices, however, instead more concerned with her own hair. She has it slicked in a rope down her back, trying to wring out the gelatinous goo, while she sticks out her tongue.
Natalie: Prisha, Prisha, calm yourself. I know this is a bad hair day for you, but your locks are gonna come out this silky smooth in comparison to Georgia’s! So take a look at your terrible trainee sitting there. She dresses too revealingly for your high-class salon, she gives your customers the brush-off, her carelessness has caused some hair-raising howlers! Her antics have tarnished your image; time for you to varnish hers! Get hold of that chain, Prish! Give it a yank…
Natalie and Clara together: …AND SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
The presenters evacuate the area, lest they suffer any splashback. Prisha reaches out to her right, her immaculate fingernails carefully closing round the handle of the pull-chain. Georgia folds her arms, her sullen eyes looking upwards, while the ice cream continues to drip down her neck.
Prisha: One day you’ll thank me for this!
As much as Georgia tries to keep looking away, something compels her to turn her eyes towards her boss – the woman she took on in this embittered showdown and lost against. Prisha’s gaze locks with Georgia, stern yet smug as she gives the chain the daintiest of tugs.
Immediately a deluge of white soapy slop drops from the ceiling over Georgia. It lands on her bare thighs, causing her to shriek and jerk as it covers them, some splashing up her miniskirt to reach her thonged panties. The downpours shifts backwards so that Georgia’s head and torso likewise get a coating of wet, sloppy white.
Clara: [speaking from off set] Nice pre-shampoo there!
The main event is now in progress. Sparks erupt either side of the catapult as it cranks backwards, its soapy occupant still shocked and disorientated. Then it fires, and a scream of fresh intensity escapes Georgia’s mouth as she is swung forwards and tossed into the air. She pitches forward as she flies, front down and head first in an unprepared and ungraceful dive. Huge waves, the length of her body, surge out in both directions when she lands, clearing the walls of the sludge pool to splash on the floor. The text is reduced to blue fragments, which dance on the surface as the sludge re-closes over its victim.
For several seconds, that mighty body of sludge heaves up and down, like a great blancmange in an earthquake. The epicentre of the churning roves in a frontwards diagonal direction, as underneath Georgia grapples with the gunge. A downpour of green slime, released prematurely, splashes on the wobbling surface.
Natalie: Ooh dear, I hope we haven’t lost her. That won’t do our image much good. Clara, you can swim, can’t you?
Clara: Me?! I know for a fact, Nat, that you can swim better than−
Natalie: Woaah!! Look Clara! Here she comes!
Sure enough, an indentation pokes through the surface of the sludge. It becomes a mound, and then the gunge begins to stretch and split as Georgia’s head breaks clear. By chance she has surfaced in one of the areas where the suds are still present, and the frothy orange bubbles ring the top of her head in a bizarre crown, under which her hair, still pulled tight by her ponytail, is buried by a further mound of orange gunge striped with the green that has just dropped from above. Georgia’s face is masked and unrecognisable, thick strands dangling from her cheeks and forehead. She opens her mouth and dispels a glob of goo, urgently replacing it with a suck of air. She is up to her chin in the gunge, and this is as far the five-footer will reach. But she is yet to realise this, and trying to thrust herself out of the cold, slimy bath in which she has been dunked, she loses her balances and totters over, resubmerging in the gunge.
Clara: Wooah-ho-hoo!!
Georgia pushes up her head again, freshly coated, and as she does so, is met by a downpour of light blue slop from above. Her eyes blocked, she can only thrash blindly, rasping through her lips as she flounders amidst the deluge. Prisha chortles at her trainee’s punishment, though her main emotion appears to be relief that it isn’t her down there. As the downpour sputters out, Georgia lunges and grabs the edge of the pool for support. With her other hand, she wipes around her face. Another batch of gunge, this time bright yellow, falls from above, catching her off-guard.
Natalie: [Walking onto the set] Hey look at that! Highlights! What a makeover!
Clara: That really was hair-larious to watch, and I think we should comb through it again – in slow motion!
The action replay duly commences. Georgia shrieks and spasms as the soapy slop first lands on her legs, then rolls backwards to blanket the rest of her. Then comes the drawing back and launch of the catapult. After Georgia is released at the top of the sturdy beam’s swing, her angular momentum continues to roll her forward, and her body pitches into a dive. Her miniskirt somehow turns inside-out around her waist, exposing her thong-clad, ice-cream-splotched buttocks to the overhead camera, to which the audience chorus in wolf-whistles as they watch the replay, which ends with Georgia’s violent splash into the slosh.
Natalie: Oh yes, got her knickers in a twist, didn’t she!
Georgia, still up to her neck in it, tries to splash some sludge at Natalie and Clara as they mock her. She succeeds only in knocking herself off balance, and disappears once more into the mire.
Clara: Getting everything in a twist by the look of it! Prisha, my lucky lady, how are you feeling right now?
Prisha: [supremely] I feel that justice has been done!
Natalie: I’m sure many feel the same way! Anyway, Prisha, you’ll be even more gratified when that year’s supply of Clayton D’Arby luxury shampoos and conditioners arrives at your salon. Perhaps you’ll spare some to help Georgia get her hair back to normal!
Prisha: Ooh, I’m not sure I can waste fine products like that! [winks] Thanks very much; it’s a great prize.
Clara: And it’s not even your real prize. That, of course, is the coveted Grudge-2-Sludge certificate! Here it is, ready to hang on your salon wall.
Clara holds up a bumper-sized document and reads aloud from it:
This is to certify that
has had the grudge with her trainee
settled in her favour, and that accordingly:
‣ Georgia will dress for work in a style deemed appropriate by Prisha.
‣ Georgia will greet customers with small-talk and a smile.
‣ Georgia must hand in her phone to Prisha at the start of her shift, and be attentive at all times.
‣ As a show of gratitude, Georgia will style Prisha’s hair, nails, and yes, those feet, and not expect to get paid for it.
Signed,
Natalie Lloyd Clara Quick
Natalie: [pointing] And at the bottom is a space just right for your fave pic of Georgia sporting her new look! Talk about a cover girl; she’s a smothered girl! No doubt your customers will have a good giggle when they see it.
Prisha: As will I, as will I! I’ve had a great time here, jellied eels aside.
Clara: Oh well, you can’t have everything in life. Ladies and gents, please give it large for tonight’s winner, Prisha Bhandari!
The audience members duly cheer and whistle while Prisha reclines in her throne.
Natalie and Clara now make their customary stroll over to the poolside to check in with the loser. Georgia has given up trying to balance on tiptoes on the pool floor, and is instead swimming on her back in the sludge. Her gungy feet kick up and down, and the twin mounds that are her boobs break intermittently through the surface, her slathered top clinging tightly around them.
Natalie: Dear me, look at this! Even when she’s in the sludge she’s lounging around on her back!
Clara: Hmm, but not much for longer, because things are going to get a lot stricter for you, young madam! How’s that sludge, anyway? Invigorating? Fragrant?
Georgia: [sourly] It smells foul.
Natalie: Well get used to it, cos you’ll be spending a lot more time up close with Prisha’s feet!
Prisha: [indignant] My feet do not smell!
Clara: Georgia, you don’t win that manicure masterclass, or indeed any luxury haircare products, but you do get the rather more basic Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry set as thanks for being a good sport.
Natalie: People, let’s give due appreciation to tonight’s loser, Georgia Platt!
The audience applauds Georgia, but before she has a chance to acknowledge, she is hit by a downpour of purple gunge from above. Instinctively she rolls onto her front, loses her buoyancy, and sinks yet again.
Clara: And she keeps going down for more! Well folks, let that be a warning to slovenly students and apathetic apprentices everywhere. And so we reach the end of another episode to Grudge-2-Sludge!
Natalie: Make sure you don’t miss the next episode, because it’s gonna be the last in the series!
Audience: WHAT?!?
Clara: Yes, I know, I know… We’re disappointed too! But hey, it’s going to be a spectacular finale, with a very special grudge to settle! I can’t reveal much, because I don’t know much myself, but let me whisper this: Celebrity.
Audience: Wooooo…!!
Natalie: Oh yes, woo indeed. And on the subject of very minor celebrities, let’s thank my boyfriend Stuart for taking part in the show!
Stuart, still dressed in his top hat and tails, strolls onto the set.
Natalie: How you doing, Stuey-kins? Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you. [Leans over and whispers in Stuart’s ear].
Clara: [rolls eyes] Yuck, spare me.
Stuart: [chuckles at whatever it is Natalie has said] Oh no, I couldn’t do that.
Natalie: Oh go on, Stuart. [Smirks as she glances at Clara] It’ll be amazing!
Stuart: [takes his magic wand from his pocket, but then stops] No, really. That’s going too far.
Clara: [uneasy] Wh-what’s going on here?
Natalie: Do as you’re told, Stuey-kins!
Natalie grabs Stuart’s wrist, forcing him to wave the wand. A magical sound effect plays, and in the blink of an eye Clara finds herself standing in a frosted perspex cylinder, like the ones used in Flan the Frauds. Her clothes have vanished. Clara shrieks and scrambles to cover herself with her arms. The audience cheers.
Natalie: Ha ha, brilliant!! First her hair, now her clothes! Stuart, that was the best−Stuart! Are you peeking at Clara’s body?!
Stuart: No no! Of course I wasn’t!
Natalie: You were! I saw you peeking over the top! How dare you!! Give me that!
Natalie snatches the wand from Stuart, who continues to protest his innocence.
Natalie: [brandishes wand] Right! Let’s see how you’ll like standing there wearing nothing but that bowtie!
Stuart: Natalie, you’re…
Natalie waves the wand. Immediately, a perpex cylinder appears around her, and her clothes too are gone. She screams.
Stuart: …holding that wand the wrong way round.
The fuzzy shapes of Natalie’s big knockers can be seen flapping around through the perspex as she gesticulates in fury. The audience are loving it.
Natalie: Ooooohhhh!!! You are so gonna pay for this, Stuart! [To the crew] Run the credits, for goodness sake! She’s a clothes-free Clara Quick!
Clara: [blushing] And she’s a naked Natalie Lloyd.
Stuart: [huge grin] And this has been Grudge-2-Sludge! Goodnight everyone!
Natalie: [heard as the music starts to play] Right, magic my clothes back, Stuart! Right now! I want them back…!
The scene returns to the sludge pool, and a final close-up of Georgia, who flicks an unspeakable gesture as she wallows in the gunge. A zoom-out reveals Prisha, once against preoccupied with her jellied-eeled hair, and Natalie and Clara, squirming inside their cylinders while Stuart looks very pleased with himself. The credits play out against a montage of the show’s highlights: the salon shenanigans of the video-reels, the seaside silliness of Round One, the risqué flannings of the naturists, the friseuse frenzy of the third round, Alice and Sophie’s joint forfeit, the three courses of the Ordeal, and a cheeky shot of Georgia’s thonged bum as she falls to her doom. The closing shot is of her head emerging from the sludge.
Thanks very much to SploshMonster for very generously commissioning this episode