Thanks very much to SploshMonster for commissioning a second episode for the series. Their characters, as well as my own, are completely fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
Shrill female voice: Ten minutes everybody!
Episode 9 opens in the bustling backstage area of the studio. In the background, two men are sitting in front of a bank of monitors, one of which displays the Grudge-2-Sludge logo, while others provide views from around the studio. One of the men is pointing with a pencil to a top-down shot of the sludge pool, the contents of which are a very garish orange. Further towards the foreground, two women sit at a desk. One of them, who has her back to the camera, sports a blonde ponytail streaked with black and a thin-strapped top that exposes her shoulders and back. The other, a woman of about thirty in a black business jacket and white top, whose chestnut hair is cut to a shoulder-length bob, sits facing the camera. She is working her way through a stack of paperwork.
Brunette: …Any spinal conditions? …Any weakness of the heart? …Any fainting or dizzy spells in the last two years?
We can’t hear the blonde’s replies, but presumably the answers are satisfactory to the brunette as she ticks off the paperwork.
Brunette: …Any allegies? …Sensitive skin? …Any−
Natalie: [slipping in front of the camera] Well hello! Fancy seeing you here! I’m Natalie Lloyd and I’m backstage waiting for another sludgtastic episode of Grudge-2-Sludge to start!
Natalie, who has recently turned 29 (and was extremely vigilant over the security of her house during the birthday period), is wearing a heavily pleated red dress, with two straight sections that wrap around her shoulders and meet over her chest, leaving plenty of cleavage on sight, as always. She has her blonde hair tied up in a bouffant style.
Natalie: And with me is my boyfriend and up-and-coming magician – entirely thanks to my string-pulling – Stuart Nasir!
The camera swings round slightly to bring Stuart into the shot. He is wearing the traditional magician’s garb of black tailcoat and top hat; red bowtie, cummerbund and cape; and white shirt and gloves.
Stuart: Hi there everyone!
Natalie: I didn’t ask you to speak, Stuey-kins – we have to pay you extra when you do that. Anyway folks, it’s almost time for me to make my sparkling entrance on stage, but before we do, there’s just time to pay someone a visit! Come on, this way!
Natalie turns and beckons down a corridor for the cameraman and a slightly hesitant Stuart to follow. They pass several doors, labelled with things like “props” and “crew facilities”, until they arrive at a door emblazoned with a blue star. As the camera gets closer, the writing on the star is revealed as “Miss Clara Quick”.
Natalie: [In a hushed tone] Ah, yes. Here we are, outside the dressing room of little Miss Clever Clogs herself! Stuart, are you ready to get your magic wand out?
Stuart: For you, any time! [Taps his sleeve and a wand folds out] [Hesitates] Don’t you think this is a bit harsh?
Natalie: [hisses] Did you see what she did me last episode?!
Stuart: Oh I know! But even so, messing with a woman’s mop is not something you do lightly.
Natalie: Listen, Stuey-kins, the way you’re going, the only mop you’ll have to worry about is the one you use to clean sticky floors when you go back that nightclub job! Now let’s go in!
Natalie pushes the door handle and she and Stuart burst into Clara’s dressing room. Clara, dressed in a blue and white chequered dress, is seated in front of a mirror, having some final touches of blusher applied by a make-up artist.
Clara: Hey!! What’s going on!?
Natalie: [to the make-up artist] T’salright love, we’re taking over here.
The make-up artist leaves.
Clara: This is my private dressing room! You can’t just barge in here!
Clara makes to stand up from her chair, but Natalie prevents her with a firm hand on the shoulder.
Natalie: Oh, soz for intruding, Clara! It’s just that Stuart wants to show you a magic trick!
Stuart removes his top hat in a gentlemanly gesture. He taps it with his wand and it unfolds to double the size. Clara flinches and thrusts out her hands to defend herself.
Stuart: Hey, there’s nothing in it, see? [Shows Clara the empty interior of the hat]
Clara: Well that’s okay then. It’s just I thought you were going to−Mmmfff!!
Stuart plonks the top hat over Clara, covering her entire head and shoulders. Clara’s arms flail about as her muffled cries emanate from inside the hat. Stuart waves the wand over Clara, then pulls off the hat.
Clara: What on earth did you−HHUUUHH!!
Clara stares agog at herself in the mirror. Her shoulder-length hair is no longer brown but a brilliant platinum blonde, even blonder than Natalie’s.
Clara: My hair!!
Natalie: What’s the matter with it? You went blonde a few episodes ago!
Clara: Yeah, that was highlights; this is something else! [Touches her hair] I can feel my IQ dropping away! [Glares at Stuart] Very clever, Mr Magician. Now put it back the way it was, and fast!
Stuart: Hey, no sweat!
Stuart puts the top hat back over Clara’s head and shoulders, and waves his wand over it again. When he removes the hat, Clara’s hair has returned to her favoured brunette colour… but it is tightly curled in a poddle perm. Clara stares at the mirror in fresh horror.
Clara: Uggh, that’s horrible!
Stuart: [a little flustered] Don’t worry! I’ll fix it.
Another planting of the top hat, another wave of the wand, and this time Clara is revealed with jet-black hair, perfectly straight and centre-parted.
Natalie: Ooh, I quite like that! Like Jessie J.
Clara: I don’t like it! [Stamps foot] Get it back how it was!
The process is repeated. The resulting hairstyle consists of hundreds of intricate braids, dyed all the hues of the rainbow.
Clara: [growls] Stop fooling around, Stuart!
Stuart: [perspiring] I’m trying my best to get it back, Clara. I promise you!
Clara: That’s all the more worrying.
Natalie: Oh, you’re useless, Stuart! Get out of the way!
Natalie snatches the hat and wand from Stuart and pushes him aside. Before Clara can protest, Natalie plonks the hat over Clara.
Stuart: Natalie, careful. My magic wand is very potent!
Natalie: I know that very well, dear [winks at the camera in the mirror]. Now let’s see… izzy, whizzy, let’s get dizzy! [Gives the hat a keen tap with the wand then whisks it off Clara’s head] Ta-daa!! …Ooh, dear!
Clara’s eyes boggle the widest yet. Her hands rise to bare temples as she issues a Munchesque scream. She is as bald as a cueball.
Stuart: I did warn you, Natalie!
Natalie: [gigglig] Move over Kojak! [Checks watch] Oh look, it’s time for the show to start!
Clara: No! Nooo!! You can’t leave like this! Come back and fix it!
Natalie: I’ll bring you some polish, Clara!
Natalie cackles as she and Stuart walk off along the corridor, Clara’s screams echoing behind them. The pair arrive at a prominent, arch-shaped opening. Stuart makes to walk through, but Natalie stops him.
Natalie: No, not you! Laters, Stuey-kins!
Leaving behind a frowning Stuart, Natalie steps through the archway and emerges into the studio, to bountiful applause. She strides down the stairs, her pleated dress swishing about her legs and a smug grin on her face, while the opposing staircase stays unused.
Natalie: [reaches the stage and takes a cleavage-plunging bow] Woooo!! Hello everyone! Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge – or should that be Natalie Lloyd’s Grudge-2-Sludge – with yours truly, Natalie Lloyd! Too bad Clara can’t make it; she’s having a bad hair day. Or more precisely, a no hair day, ha ha!
The audience laughs.
Natalie: And speaking of hair, we’ve got a real shock of it in store tonight. So let’s get on to the mane event, and invite our contestants! First, from the red corner, we have Prisha Bhandari. She’s 34 years old and from Barnet, where she’s the proprietor and manager of a high-street salon. Please welcome her!
The audience duly claps, cheers and whistles as the first contestant emerges through the red-rimmed archway. A British Indian, Prisha has mid-brown skin and is quite short at 5 ft 2. A sleeveless salon tunic of crimson hue, buttoned up on the left-hand side, hugs close around her slim torso and small, round breasts. The tunic reaches to just below Prisha’s hips and backside, while black full-length leggings clad her legs. Prisha’s fingernails, long and impeccably sculpted, match the crimson of her tunic, as does her lipstick. Her face is subtly embellished with mascara and blusher. Her long, jet-black, and very glossy hair would naturally be straight, but has been volumised to make it wavy. It is also highlighted with bronze streaks.
Prisha walks down the stairs in a stiff posture, her chin elevated to an exact angle, a prim expression on her face.
Natalie: Prisha, good evening! Welcome to Grudge-2-Sludge!
Prisha: Good evening, Natalie. [Inspects Natalie’s bouffant] Interesting hairstyle you’ve gone for this time.
Natalie: Not as interesting as Clara’s! [Chuckles]
Prisha: I’ve watched all the episodes so far, and most of them have gone the right way in my opinion. But I must disagree with that deputy head getting thrown in last time. All she was trying to do was keep her school shipshape, which as a business owner I fully−
Natalie: Okay, okay. That grudge is settled now; what interests us is the grudge you’re embroiled in. Who is it against?
Prisha: Well Natalie, every year I get a trainee on day-release from the local college. Some of them are good, [pulls a wistful face] some of them not so good, [frowns] but dear me, I’ve got some real problems with this one!
Natalie: Mmmm, and I think we better bring “this one” on stage to hear the charges against her! “This one” is Georgia Platt, 19 years old and also from Barnet, where she is a trainee stylist and nail technician. Please welcome her from – and it feels really good to say this – the blue corner!
More clapping, cheering and whistling ensues as the younger white girl, the back of whom we earlier saw taking the health interview, steps out of the blue-rimmed archway. Georgia is even shorter than Prisha at a bare five foot. She is similarly slim, though fuller of figure around her bust and backside. She is wearing a thin-strapped leopard-print top, through which the imprint of nipples indicates she is not wearing a bra. Her lower half gives a nod to her player colour in the form of a mid-blue miniskirt, and her legs are otherwise bare. Georgia’s hair is a stark white-blonde, overlaid with highlights of black, pulled into a ‘Croydon facelift’ by an ultra-tight ponytail midway up the back of her head. Her face is very heavily made-up with powder and eye-shadow, and a pair of hooped earrings complete her persona. She is chewing gum open-mouthed.
Georgia thumps downs the stairs in a slouchy yet defiant posture and meets Natalie at the bottom.
Natalie: Georgia, hello! It’s nice to have you on the show!
Georgia: [Between chews of her gum] Ta, Nat. [Ignores the sharp look she gets from the hostess] Glad to be here at last. I’m looking forward to having it out with Prish!
Prisha: Prish! [Rolls eyes] It’s Ms Bhandari to you!
Georgia: [Nudge Natalie] You can see why I want to sludge her.
Natalie: I can see this grudge is very much mutual, that’s for sure! Georgia, you’ll have your chance to give your boss a thorough rinsing. But first, Prisha, you get to take a snip at your trainee!
Prisha: Thank you very much, Natalie. [To the audience] Just listen to this…
Prisha’s prepared video-reel plays, showing a typical hairdresser’s shop in a typical high street. There are posters of models with stylish hairstyles in the window, and across the top is a sign that says “Clean Cut” − stylish white text on black. A close-up of the door shows Trisha’s hand turn round a hanging sign from “CLOSED” (illustrated by a shut pair of scissors) to “OPEN” (accompanied by an open pair). We then get to see inside the salon, where Trisha is inspecting the hairdressing equipment ready for a day’s trade. Humming a tune, she makes an exacting adjustment to the position of some shampoo bottles and lightly polishes a mirror.
Prisha: [direct to camera]
Now Georgia’s snipping skills are sound,
As any girl I’ve hired.
But overall her attitude…
A bell tinkles. Prisha looks round towards the door and her face falls. In struts Georgia, wearing only a pink PVC boob-tube and hot pants.
Prisha: [blackly]
…leaves much to be desired!
Cut to another scene, in which the bell tinkles and Georgia enters dressed in a red fishnet body-stocking with a black bikini underneath. Another time, Georgia has plumped for a low-cut white top that even Essex barmaids would think twice about wearing. In the last of these scenes, Georgia has on the leopard-print top and blue miniskirt that form her present studio attire. In each case, Prisha looks dismayed.
Prisha: [voiceover]
For chic and classy ambience,
My salon has renown.
But Georgia’s clothing more befits
A cheap night on the town!
An old lady walks into the salon and asks for a blue rinse. She tries to chat to Georgia about the weather, but the girl silently plonks her in a chair and roughly puts her head back in a basin full of dye. Next a middle-aged woman enters and asks to have her hair curled. Georgia rolls her eyes. Then a young woman walks in and spends a long time explaining a really complicated haircut she wants done. Georgia stands there sporting a bored, stony face, slowly inflating a bubble-gum bubble. Prisha observes from one side, slowly shaking her head. The bubble gum pops.
Prisha: [voiceover]
Now any stylist worth their salt
Knows manners are the key.
But Georgia’s rough and ready tone
Makes clients want to flee!
Later on. The old lady still has her head in the basin. The middle-aged woman has curlers in her hair. The young woman is sitting under a hood dryer. As for Georgia, she is lounging in the nail station, doing her own nails while she kicks her feet back and chats away on the phone.
Prisha steps out from the back of the salon and wrinkles her nose, frowning. Then she dashes forward in alarm, and yanks the hood dryer away from the young woman’s head. The woman’s hair is smoking. Next Prisha pulls a few curlers out of the middle-aged woman’s hair, which springs into a tight, frizzy mass. Finally, Prisha lifts the old lady’s head out of the basin. Her hair is dyed smurf blue.
Prisha:
When Georgia’s meant to be alert,
She’s off to text some lad.
Some hairy mishaps have occurred;
Her laxness drives me mad!
The young woman’s hair continues to fume, as does Prisha, who growls Georgia’s name. Not realising anything is wrong, Georgia nonchalantly strolls over. When she sees what has happened, she pulls an ‘oops’ face.
Prisha: [direct to camera]
If Georgia is to make the cut, [snips a pair of scissors menacingly]
Then something has to budge.
This girl needs to be straightened out, [brandishes some hair straighteners in the other hand]
SO SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
The videoreel fades on the sorry scene. Back in the studio, Georgia faces the customary booing from the audience. She stands with her hands on her hips, blowing a pink bubble. Prisha nods smugly in agreement with the booing.
Natalie: [shaking her head] Wow Georgia, you are quite the calamity coif-cutter! But before I proceed, Prisha, I have a question: does Georgia do your hair and nails? I must say they’re very well done.
Georgia: Yes I do! And that’s part of my beef with Prish!
Natalie: [snapping] You’ll get your turn! Prisha…?
Prisha: Let’s be clear, Georgia has a fair bit of talent. But as I said, it’s her attitude that’s holding her back!
Natalie: Mmm, I agree. Georgia, I’ll let you into a secret: women don’t really care how good a haircut they get; what they really want at the hairdresser’s is a good natter. The weather, holidays, celebrity goss, the men in their lives… [sucks in] the things I’ve confessed to my hairdresser! To succeed as a stylist you need the gift of the gab. But you… [watches disdainfully as Georgia blows a bubble] have more gob than gab!
Georgia: [pops her bubble and sucks it back into her mouth] I say all that needs to be said: come in, sit down…
Prisha: …Wait there while I go and text my boyfriend!
Natalie: Indeed. And these distractions are causing a few follicular follies, it would seem.
Georgia: Look, there was one lady I forgot about whose hair got singed, and Prisha’s never let me forget it!
Prisha: [sternly] My bank balance hasn’t forgotten the compensation I had to pay.
Natalie: Just quickly, cos time is getting on, this question of your attire… [inspects Georgia’s top and miniskirt]. It seems that this is one of your more conservative outfits, if that video is anything to go by.
Georgia: It don’t see what Prisha’s problem is! It’s a hairdresser’s, not a nunnery!
Prisha: It’s not a ‘massage parlour’, either.
Georgia: See the way she sneers? This is very typical Prish – so snobby and prudish!
Natalie: Well Georgia, you clearly have a lot to say on this matter, so here’s you chance to turn to blow-dry your boss. Be as cutting as you please!
Georgia: Oh I will, Natalie. I will…
The videoreel of Georgia’s counter-argument begins. In it we see Georgia walking along the high street towards the salon. In one hand she carries a take-out coffee, while in the other she gives her face a final dusting with a powder puff.
Georgia: [direct to camera]
I’m glad to be on day-release;
The best part of my course.
But what takes out the fun for me…
Georgia pushes open the door of the salon, tinkling the bell. Prisha is inside, poking a feather duster around the shelves. Georgia imparts a cheery “Good morning!” as she breezes into the shop. In response Prisha simply tuts.
Georgia: [grimly]
…Is Prish on her high horse!
Later on, the pair of them are having lunch in the back room. Georgia unwraps a grease-stained paper bag from the local ‘Fredds’ bakery. Prisha shakes her head as she opens a box of sandwiches – crayfish tails and guacamole on crustless five-grain bread – purchased from a certain middle-class grocers. Georgia loudly opens a can of fizzy pop. Prisha rolls her eyes as she sips from a bone-china cup of green tea. Georgia flicks through the pages of a celebrity gossip mag. Prisha raises a broadsheet newspaper so she doesn’t have to look at Georgia.
Georgia: [voiceover]
Now Prisha’s such a sneering snob;
A stuck-up prude to boot.
She makes me feel like common dirt;
I’m fed up of her snoot!
Next scene: Georgia is cutting a lady’s hair, while Prisha stands by behind her, arms folded and frowning as she observes. Prisha issues some sharp comments of criticism at Georgia, to which the trainee responds by trying to change the angle of her cut. Prisha is not satisfied, and steps forward to admonish Georgia. After some further scolding, watched by the customer in the mirror, Prisha demands the scissors, which Georgia sullenly hands over. Prisha sends Georgia away and takes over the haircut, continuing to badmouth her trainee to the customer.
Georgia: [voiceover]
I understand Prish wants her say,
’Bout how I cut folks’ hair.
What’s wrong’s how she belittles me,
When they are sitting there!
In the next scene, a clock on the salon wall shows five o'clock. A hopeful Georgia gathers up her things and edges towards the door, but Prisha, seating herself in a salon chair, calls her back. Georgia sighs and picks up a pair of scissors. Cue a hugely sped-up film, in which Georgia fusses around Prisha – washing, styling and drying her hair – and then proceeds to varnish her nails. The scene is interspersed with shots of the clock, which whizzes round to gone six.
Georgia: [voiceover]
And when the working day is through,
My exit is delayed.
Cos Prisha want her own hair done;
For this I don’t get paid!
Exhausted, Georgia blows Prisha’s nails dry. Again she gathers her things together, relieved to be finally leaving, but Prisha halts her with an “Uh-uh!!” Prisha kicks off her shoes and places her bare feet on a footstool, presenting her pale soles to the camera. A smug expression grows on the boss’s face as she wiggles her toes. Dismayed, Georgia kneels beside Prisha’s feet, nail varnish in hand.
Georgia: [Direct to camera, screwing up her nose]
The boss from hell, with feet that smell;
That’s why I bear this grudge.
Her prim veneer [gestures the nail varnish] needs rinsing clear,
SO SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
Back in the studio, more booing, directed this time at Prisha, who glares daggers at Georgia.
Natalie: Well, well! This puts quite a different highlighting on things, doesn’t up? Interesting that a lady so prim and perfectionist actually has smelly feet!
Georgia: [pleased with herself] Oh yes, they’re a right pair of cheesers!
Prisha: [mortified] This is completely untrue!
Natalie: Hmm, well maybe we’ll find out the truth if you have to bare your tootsies for the Sludge Sling! But there’s a far bigger issue here, and that’s that you make Georgia do your hairs and nails – very nicely, as I previously said – in her own time and without getting paid!
Prisha: Yes, and I think that’s a fair favour in return for the experience I’m giving Georgia. She’s lucky to get wages at all; it’s only recently the rules were changed to require that student trainees be paid!
Natalie: And let me guess, before that you didn’t pay your trainees…?
A few more boos sound from audience, and Prisha realises she is on shaky ground.
Prisha: Listen, the time doing my hair is far outweighed by the time she sits around texting boys when she’s supposed to be working!
Georgia: Well maybe I’d get more work done if you didn’t do me down in front of customers all the time!
Natalie: Yeah, really Prisha, that’s not very nice. I understand that Georgia won’t get everything right first time, but why don’t you take her aside afterwards and explain her mistakes?
Prisha: After she’s wrecked a customer’s hair, you mean? Sorry Natalie, but I have standards to keep up at my salon! And it’s a high class establishment as well. [Haughtily] That’s why I don’t take kindly to Georgia’s vulgar ways.
Georgia: [parrots Prisha, hoisting her nose in the air] …Georia’s vulgar ways! God, what a snob!
Natalie: [holds out her palms between the contestants] Okay, let’s stop it there! It’s clear the situation has got very hairy between you two, and it’s not going to brush off easily, especially since you’re both so dyed-in-the-wool. You’ve pushed each other to the fringes, and unless we comb through your knotty relationship, we might see a complete parting! So tonight we’re gonna shampoo and set things straight, through a series of hair-raising games that will put you in quite a lather!!
The audience groans at the litany of puns.
Natalie: [undeterred] Whichever of you cleans up with the most points will be crowned Queen of the Coif, and will be awarded a Grudge-2-Sludge certificate to grace your salon wall. And not only that, you’ll also take away a fabulous prize!
The audience bursts into deafening applause.
Natalie: [nodding] Oh yes indeed – a very fabulous prize! We… Eh?? What?!
The applause is not directed at Natalie’s announcement of a prize, but instead to the blue-rimmed archway, through which Clara has emerged in her chequered dress. Her shoulder-length brunette locks have been returned to her scalp, and as she struts down the staircase, she gives them a tug to prove that they are there to stay.
Clara: [reaching the bottom] Woo!! Hello everyone! Sorry I’m late, but it’s great to be here – and not a hair out of place!
Natalie: [disappointed] Clara. You…uh, got your hair back.
Clara: [nodding with satisfaction] Let’s just say that Stuart didn’t want that magic wand stuck where the sun doesn’t shine!
Natalie huffs at her boyfriend’s weakness.
Clara: Prisha and Georgia, nice to meet you both. As Nat was saying, tonight’s winner will pick up a plum prize. Prisha, I understand you’re a big fan of Clayton D’Arby luxury haircare products, so we’re ready to gift you a year’s supply of his shampoos, conditioners and colours for use in your salon!
Prisha: [nodding approvingly] Oh, very nice!
Clara: But only if you win, of course! Because, if your trainee beats you, a prize will be coming her way instead. Georgia, I know you’re keen to specialise as a nail technician – despite the horrors of Prisha’s feet – so we’d like to set you up for a week-long masterclass with the nail artists’ nail artist, Belinda Keratin!
Georgia: Oh sweet! I love Belinda’s work!
Natalie: [Annoyed that Clara has taken over the show] Better make sure you win then! But Clara, I think you’ve spent enough time going on about the winner’s prize. Don’t forget we also have a brilliant prize for the runner up!
Clara: Indeed we do, Nat. Grudge-2-Sludge prides itself in not leaving losers out, so tonight’s consolation prize is a fabulous beauty bath, provided in-house! Now how would I describe it? A deep cleanse, perhaps?
Natalie: Ooh yes – very deep, especially since neither of these ladies is that tall!
Clara: Very moisturising as well, isn’t it?
Natalie: Extremely moisturising, Clara. Invigorates all those hard-to-reach places!
Clara: And I get the feeling it’ll work wonders for these ladies’ locks [ruffles Prisha’s volumised hair with one hand and strokes Georgia’s ponytail with the other].
Natalie: It’ll be a very colourful makeover, Clara, plus it comes with a complementary face pack!
Clara: Oh yes, a full facial is guaranteed. But no need to take our word for it; come and see for yourselves!
Natalie and Clara turn to lead Prisha and Georgia on the customary stroll to the stage’s centrepiece – the infamous sludge pool. As revealed on the backstage TV screen at the beginning of the show, orange is the theme of this episode – an extremely bright orange. The pool’s contents gleam garishly under the studio lights, and also appear to shimmer. A closer inspection reveals this shimmer to be the intermittent bursting of thousands of tiny bubbles – the surface of the sludge is a dense froth of coloured soap suds. In a few patches the suds have dissipated to uncover the main substance of the sludge, which is smooth and thick and the same tone of orange. The suds have also been dispelled where additional splotches of gunge have been thrown on – browns, purples and dark greens – and in the middle of the pool, some blue goo has been used to scrawl a slogan: LIVE AND LET DYE.
Natalie: Oh yeah, I forget to mention – it’s ginger. You’re okay with that, aren’t you ladies? Don’t mind a tinge of the ginge?
Prisha’s mouth is pursed upwards, her chin wrinkled. Despite her claims to be a regular viewer of the show and its sludgings, she is taken aback by being face to face with the sludge pool, not to mention the prospect of ending up in it. Georgia, meanwhile, tries to project that she is unconcerned; she folds her arms and slowly blows up a pink bubble. But the widening of her eyes betrays her true feelings.
Clara: [shudders] It’s a dire dye indeed, and look, ladies, we’ve even customised the seat in your honour!
Clara gestures across the pool to where the giant catapult menacingly looms. The seat has been reupholstered in black leather to make it look like a hairdresser’s chair.
Natalie: It’ll be a richly deserved fate for one of our bickering barberesses, and I’m sure you lot in the studio audience have your thoughts on which stylist is the vilest! Well now it’s time to make your opinion count!
Clara: The voting buttons are there in front of you. Remember you are voting for your favoured friseuse – the one of you want to keep out of our shampoo goo!
Natalie: So if you think Miss Platt a brat who should splat in our vat, then push the red button marked “I side with Prisha”.
Prisha nods and voices her approval, while Georgia expresses her feelings with a loud burst of her bubblegum.
Clara: But if it’s your heartfelt wish for prudish Prish and her feet of fish to go splish, then press the blue button labelled “I side with Georgia”.
This time Georgia cheers and thumbs at Prisha, who closes her eyes and wrinkles her chin as she shakes her head.
Natalie: Red or blue, it’s up to you! Fifteen seconds to vote!
The audience members lean forwards to jab their fingers at their keypads.
Alternative link
Poll closes at 10 pm on Saturday.
Clara: Thanks for your input, folks. The votes have been banked, and later on we’ll convert them into points. But before that, Prisha and Georgia, you’ll need to make the best start you can in our first two games.
Natalie: Georgia, you’re gonna have to get rid of that gum. Health and safety, y’know.
Georgia removes the gum from her mouth and tosses it into the sludge pool.
Clara: That’s one way to get rid of it! Now, the stakes in this match are higher than a mammoth’s mohawk, so we need you to affirm your commitment…
Natalie: Prisha and Georgia, do you pledge to put up a fair fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Clara and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?
Prisha: [firmly] I do.
Georgia: [equally firm] I do.
Clara: Then let’s see you shake on it! Come on – shake!
The two players face each other, the orange sludge as their backdrop. Prisha stares sternly at Georgia. Georgia glares defiantly back. There’s a moment’s hesitation before they extend their arms for a businesslike handshake, indicating that a very bitter battle could lie ahead. Meanwhile, before the shot freezes and turns to sepia, Natalie and Clara can be heard having a barney of their own.
Clara: That was completely out of order what you got Stuart to do to me! How dare you!
Natalie: Keep your hair on, Clara! Tee hee!