All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.
After another advert break, the concluding part of the trilogy opens with a panoramic view of the sludge pool, which is now more than adequately filled. The contents mostly have an opaque, matte finish, though are still shiny in the areas most freshly applied. The topography of the surface is smooth in places, undulating and globby in others. One thing that is unfailingly uniform is the sludge’s colour, which, as Clara promised, is a brilliant bright green. Not yellowy green, or bluish green, or pale green, or any other variation on green – just an unadulterated, vanilla green (or at least, it would be, if vanilla were green and not cream-yellow).
The greenness of the green is further accentuated by pure-white lettering that has been added to the surface, spelling out in slender capitals, the phrase TEACH HER A LESSON. A fine nozzle, on the end of a metal tube, is in the process of completing the text with the oblique stalk of an exclamation mark. As the camera zooms out, we see Stephanie – green-splotched and looking slightly sick – holding the other end of the tube.
Natalie: [speaking off camera in a hushed but sharp tone] I can’t believe you humiliated me like that – digging up all those people from my past, and plotting with the crew behind my back as well!
Stephanie swirls the nozzle and deposits an extra thick dollop of white, to form the dot to the exclamation mark, then steps back in relief. Natalie and Clara come into shot, the former also looking a bit nauseous from her time in the stink tank, while the two contestants stand beside them – the curvy Miss Keats, with her culottes, striped blouse and bird’s nest of blonde curls; and the slender Dr Darwin, sporting sleeveless blouse, pencil skirt, and dark brunette hair neatly clasped behind her head.
Clara: [smarmily] It’s just a joke, Nat – like when you invited those people to wreck my house and invaded the privacy of my bedroom! Don’t you have a sense of humour?
Roanna: [in a haughty teacher’s tone] Breaktime’s over, you two. I don’t want to hear any more of your bickering!
Natalie: [snapping] We’ll bicker all we want, Dr Darwin! And you don’t have anything to be superior about – not with the way the scores are going!
Clara: [trying to bring things back on track] Welcome back to episode 8 of Grudge-2-Sludge, where school is most definitely out for summer!
Natalie: Tonight’s contestants are two members of staff from Topswitch Academy in Sunderland – English teacher Miss April Keats and deputy head Doctor Roanna Darwin!
Clara: Miss Keats thinks that Dr Darwin has become too data-driven and has stopped seeing the teaching wood for the target trees.
Natalie: But talking of trees, Dr Darwin says Miss Keats should spend less time hugging them and more time rooted in the curriculum!
Clara: Luckily, resolution is in sight for these antagonised educators, and it comes in the form of my new special formula. I’m please to announce that the project has been a success! Behold… [Gestures with both hands] QuickGreen
!!
Natalie: [shrugging coldly] Better late than never.
Clara: But worth the wait, don’t you think? Because QuickGreen is greener than any green that has gone before. Look!
To prove her point, Clara holds up a colour chart featuring lots of different shades of green.
Natalie: [grudgingly] Yeah, well, I guess it is kind of green. Anyway ladies, take a good look at it – especially you, Dr Darwin! Is the future looking green?
Roanna: [a concerted twitch of her button nose] Yes it is, but not for me!
Clara: Ooh, in denial! But Miss Keats, I see you smirking; let me divulge an interesting statistic. We’ve had eight episodes so far, including the pilot, and in exactly half of those episodes, the person who has been ahead at half time has come to meet a sludgy fate at the end of the show! So are you feeling so cocky now?
April: [whose smirk has indeed faded] Look, Natalie, I’m not fixated on targets like Roanna is, so I don’t care what the score is at every step. But like every English teacher, I look forward to a happy ending!
Natalie: Mmmm, both teachers sure it won’t be herself in the sludge! Well, as the scores stand, Miss Keats has 22 points over Dr Darwin’s 17 – a tidy lead, but could it all change with the audience vote?
Clara: It’s time to see how all your pupils and colleagues at Topswitch voted, not to mention the rest of our audience. Let’s have the moment of truth!
The main studio lights dim, and each seat becomes individually illuminated with either a red or blue glow to unmask the leanings of it’s occupants. April and Roanna anxiously scan the rows to see who voted which way, nodding in thanks to their supportors, but expressing shock and dismay at what they regard as betrayal. Roanna shakes her head sternly at a few people, while April points an accusing finger at someone.
Natalie: [Chuckling] Is that your boyfriend, April? I reckon there could be a few detentions given out on the back of these scores!
Clara: Looking at the big picture, there’s plenty of support on both sides, but a blue majority is clear. In fact, 57% voted in support of you, Dr Darwin, while Miss Keats, you got 43%.
Roanna: [primly] Well it goes to show that a bit of structure and discipline isn’t so hated after all.
Natalie: No need for a speech, Dr Darwin, especially since you’re still behind. Because after doing the maths thingy, Miss Keats has gained 9 points, which takes her total to 31, while Dr Darwin rises by 11 to stand at 28!
Clara: Yep, the gap has narrowed but not closed; Dr Darwin in now 3 points behind, but she has the tiebreaker advantage. So the game is wide open, and everything hinges on the big-scoring third round! It’s the kind of situation where you’d really like to Find a Friend, even if it’s from an unlikely quarter.
Natalie: This is the time when we’d usually select two audience members at random, but unfortunately the computer is on the blink, so would Tara Driver and Charlotte Chan please come up to the stage!
Shown in split-screen, a stunned flame-haired girl, sitting in a red-lit seat, turns to the person next to her and mouths “Did she say my name?” In the other half, a Chinese girl, seated under a blue light, puts a hand to her face while those around her cheer and pat her shoulders.
Clara: Come on, girls, up you get! Up up up on the stage!
The two shocked and embarrassed girls stand up and make their ways out of their rows, to much fanfare from the other students around them. As they make their way down the aisle and up onto the stage, the main lighting comes back on and seat lights go off.
Natalie: Welcome girls! Charlotte, you go and stand with Dr Darwin there, and Tara, let’s have you next to Miss Keats.
Tara is the girl with flame hair, which flows freely in very gentle waves to almost her hips. She has a heavily freckled complexion and green eyes with equally heavy eyeshadow around them. Charlotte is Chinese, pale-skinned, and has an unruly mop of black hair that covers her ears. The girls are both average height, taller than April but not as tall as Roanna, and Tara is of a fuller build than Charlotte. Tara is wearing a large badge with a colourful ’18’ on it, and tied to Charlotte’s wrist is a helium balloon decorated with the same number.
Clara: Now, Tara and Charlotte are sixth-formers at Topswitch Academy, and as you can see they’ve both turned 18 today! Many happy returns!!
Cue some boisterous shout-outs from the girls’ friends in the audience.
Natalie: That’s convenient for us because it means they’ve given consent to what’s going to happen.
Charlotte: We have?!
Clara: And another convenient thing is that each has voted in support of her own teacher, which looks like a pretty positive endorsement!
Natalie: Or it could be that they want to win the school trip, Clara. Let’s find out. [Turns to Tara] Tara, I hear that you’re an avid vegan but you hate cabbage. Is that right?
Tara: [embarrassed] Mayyybe.
Natalie: You’re also doing A-levels in English language, English literature, and psychology. So I guess you spend two thirds of your time in Miss Keats’s classes and the other third trying to figure out her strange behaviour?
Tara: Yeah… actually, I think what Dr Darwin says about Miss Keats is unfair. The lessons might be unconventional but we do learn a lot from them, and I did well in my mock exams.
Natalie: That’s good to hear, Tara, cos now it’s time for you to return the favour and help Miss Keats pass the test we’ve set her – and no, it ain’t no mock!
Clara: Although there’s plenty of mockery involved! [Winks] Let’s turn to you, Charlotte. You like Manhua comics, 1970s horror films, and 1980s new-wave music, but you also take guilty pleasure in Taylor Swift. And you’re a student very much after my own heart, studying physics, chemistry and further maths. Dr Darwin used to take you for organic chemistry, but that stopped when she became deputy head. Why have you voted in support of this buzzword-speaking spreadsheet stickler?
Charlotte: Well, as a scientist I like to be logical and organised myself. But actually, Dr Darwin isn’t as uptight as Miss Keats makes out – I mean, the fact she came on this show shows she’s up for some silly fun.
Clara: Mmmm, and I hope you are too, Charlotte. Actually, I think you and Tara will enjoy what’s coming up, because we are going to turn the tables. The next game is going to be a PE lesson, and you two are going to be the teachers!
Natalie: We’ve got you some nice tracksuits for you to wear for that very purpose. They’re made to measure (thanks again to your friends for the vital statistics), brand new, and rose-petal fresh!
Stephanie brings over two neatly folded tracksuits – a red one, which she hands to Tara, and a blue one for Charlotte.
Clara: Miss Keats and Dr Darwin, I’m afraid you’ll be playing the role of the pupils in this game. So if you would kindly go backstage and change into the PE kits you brought with you… what’s the matter, Dr Darwin?
Dr Darwin: [frowning] What PE kit?
Clara: The one you were supposed to bring with you. [Feigns horror] Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten your kit?
Dr Darwin: Forgotten? I wasn’t told to bring one.
Natalie: Don’t make excuses, Dr Darwin! Miss Keats, I trust you’ve brought your kit. What!? You haven’t?! Clara, can you believe this? These two have forgotten their PE kit!
Clara: [tutting] That’s really bad, Nat. Well, the lesson must go on regardless, and you know what you have to wear when you forget your kit, don’t you?
April: [eyes widening] Uh-oh…!!
Roanna: [nose twitching] You… you don’t mean…?
Natalie: Indeed we do! It’s the dreaded…
Clara: …unwashed…
Natalie: ….ill-fitting…
Natalie and Clara together: SPARE KIT!!
A lightning bolt strikes the scene, accompanied by demonic laughter.
April: Oh no! Please don’t make us wear it!
Clara: Enough of your whining! Go backstage and have a rummage, you two. Hope you can find something not too terrible. Go on, off you go!
Their faces drawn into cringes, April and Roanna retreat up their respective staircases.
Natalie: Sucks to be them! Anyway, Tara and Charlotte, the good news for you is that we have a £250 cash prize waiting for whichever of you helps your partner to the better score in Round 3, even if they don’t win overall. Nice birthday present, eh?
Tara and Charlotte both nod keenly.
Clara: But, as I’m sure you know, whichever of you does worse will have to face a forfeit. Are you prepared for that?
Tara: Does it bother you if we aren’t?
Clara: No not really. Now away you go to don those tracksuits! [To the camera] Join us in a few ticks for Round 3!
ROUND 3: Cross 
Country
Another title sequence plays, and then we find ourselves in a set that, though less barren than the moonscape from Round 1, is certainly quite bleak. Leafless trees stretch into the distance beneath a frosty sky. The flooring resembles patchy grass, and the playing area is dominated by two exercise treadmills, several metres long and themed with the usual colours, running side by side.
Natalie and Clara trudge onto the scene, hunched and hugging themselves for warmth.
Clara: [blowing into her hands] Bit nippy, Nat.
Natalie: [Looks down at her shirt] Oh. Sorry about that. [Buttons her blazer around her chest]
Clara: No, I mean this weather. Brrrrrr!!
Natalie: Ah yes. Well, here at Grudge-2-Sludge we aim to take your mind of the current heatwave by imagining those cold, crisp days in bleakest midwinter. Perfect conditions for every PE teacher’s favourite tool of torture – the cross country run!
Clara: Very cross country if this course is anything to go by! And something else that’s making me cross is waiting for the pupils to show up. Where are they?!
Natalie: I think they’re still rummaging around the spare kit locker, Clara. Ah no – here they come!
April and Roanna reluctantly step out from between two trees, their cheeks flushed despite the wintry environment. The audience bursts into laughter at the sight of the PE kits they’ve been made to wear. April’s is far too small for her curvy figure; her red pair of shorts are more like trunks, skin-tight around her hips and bum and leaving her thighs bare. A few inches of spare tyre are likewise exposed by an inadequately sized white t-shirt, which strains around her large bust. Roanna’s attire, on the other hand, is ridiculous oversized. Her t-shirt – also white – hangs off her figure like a maternity smock, and her knee-length shorts – blue in her case – are flared and baggy. Each woman has odd socks – one short, one knee-length. All items of kit are splotched with faint mud and grass stains.
Clara: [sniggering] Oh deary me! Forgetting your PE kit is something you only ever do the once!
Natalie pulls out the waistband at the back of Roanna’s shorts, much to the teacher’s mortification. It stretches a good foot or more.
Natalie: My my, Dr Darwin! Did you borrow some clown pants off one of the clowns?
Natalie lets go of the waistband. It snaps back, causing Roanna to yelp.
Clara: I’m not going to touch your shorts, Miss Keats; they look like they might burst at any minute! Anyway, let’s start the lesson with a warm-up!!
Natalie: [blows a whistle] Let’s have some running on the spot!
Incredulous, the two contestants reluctantly commence a half-arsed jog.
Clara: A bit of exertion please! Otherwise I’ll have to dock some points!
This threat causes both contestants to buck up their efforts.
Natalie: Let’s see those knees getting nice and high! Higher! Higher!! [Holds out her arm] Right up here!
In the words of Kate Bush, the two women look like they’re running up that building. April’s boobs jiggle inside her tight t-shirt.
Clara: And now let’s see some star jumps! Come on, nice and wide! Legs apart, Miss Keats!
Natalie: Now, five burpees!
April: I don’t even know what that is! [Tries to copy Roanna, who doesn’t have much of a clue herself. It’s pandemonium and the audience are in stitches]
Clara: [sweetly] And… relax! Dear me, Nat, they’re a wretched pair of specimens!
Natalie: Yeah, glad we don’t have to take the lesson. Speaking of which, let’s hand over to our PE teachers. Come on out, Tara and Charlotte!
The two sixth-formers, clad in their tracksuits, emerge to applause.
Clara: Nice to see you, girls. Now, while Miss Keats and Dr Darwin do their cross country run, you get to ride alongside in true Rocky style!
Clara gestures a pair of exercise bikes facing the running tracks. She leads Tara and Charlotte over to them and instructs each girl to sit on the bike facing her opponent’s track. Meanwhile, Natalie leads the contestants, who are still panting slightly from their exertion, to the other end of the running tracks, where a shallow pool of muddy water is located. Floating in the pool are a few dozen balls of various types: tennis balls, footballs, and rugby balls.
Natalie: Now these are medicine balls – so called because they are filled with medicine! The aim of the game is to get them in the goal behind your opponent’s team-mate.
Behind Tara and Charlotte are square openings filled with netting, each a metre by metre square and level with the girls’ upper bodies as they sit on the bikes. (Meanwhile, Clara is busy tying the girls’ wrists to the handlebars of the bikes)
Natalie: You must be on your running track when you launch a ball – I recommend throwing rather than kicking cos these things a bit fragile – otherwise it’s a foul shot and you don’t want to find out how that’s punished. The netting in those goals is nice and sharp and should burst those balls no problem. Inside each ball is a token, which will be collected in the bottom of the net. Tennis balls contains a bronze token which is worth one point, footballs have a silver token worth two points, and rugby balls have a gold token worth four points.
Clara: [Finishes tying Charlotte’s wrists to the handlebars] Yep, plenty of points to be scored, but girls it is your job to try and stop that happening. Unfortunately your hands are indisposed so you can’t catch the balls, but you can use your bodies to block them – could be a bit messy, but hey, it saves getting messier later! But even better is to make it harder for your opponent to get near the target, because by pedalling your bike you will make the running track move against them, and the harder you pedal, the faster it’ll go!
Natalie: And there’s one more weapon at your disposal: by your right hand you will find a trigger for the grass blaster mounted to the front of your bike.
April: [alarmed] Grass blaster?
Natalie: Yes indeed, and it packs quite a punch!
Clara: But you only have one shot, so pick the right moment to fire!
Natalie: Is everything clear? You’ve got two minutes on the clock. Good luck!
The klaxon blasts. Natalie and Clara scramble to safety. April and Roanna stumble into the shallow pool, the muddy water sloshing up their legs. The hems of Roanna’s shorts dip in the water but there is no danger of this happening to April. They both collect a ball from the water and climb onto their respective running tracks.
Roanna tries to go for a long-distance shot, lobbing her tennis ball from the far end of the running track. It goes well wide and bursts ineffectually on the floor. She crouches to pick up another ball, but this proves a mistake. Tara begins pedalling, and this causes Roanna to tumble off the edge of the track and into the water. She stands up with her white t-shirt soaked (and see-through; luckily she is wearing a bra underneath).
April, thinking big with a rugby ball, charges up her running track. Charlotte struggles to pick up pace with her pedalling and soon April is nearly upon her, about to throw the ball. In a panic Charlotte hits the trigger for her grass blaster. BLAM!! A mixture of grass cuttings and water are fired from cannon, sticking to April from head to toe.
Natalie: [from out of shot] I did say it packed a punch!
April blindly tosses the ball amid the cloud of grass, but it is a weak shot and Charlotte blocks it with her torso, causing purple goo to splash across her tracksuit.
Meanwhile, Roanna is back on her running track, carrying a football. She jogs just to stay still as Tara’s furious pedalling moves the track below her. Roanna throws the ball, which makes a promising trajectory towards the upper corner of the net. But Tara is able to stretch so that her head makes contact with the ball, bringing a splash of yellow gunge to her red hair as the ball bursts, but denying Roanna the points. It’s still nil-nil.
That changes when April, bits of grass billowing from her, is able to sling a football past Charlotte. It slams into the goal and bursts upon the wire netting, leaving the token to fall into the collection area below. Shortly after, Roanna bamboozles Tara by throwing two tennis balls at once. She manages to get both past Tara and into the net.
As the game progresses, the two contestants build up a good rhythm – collecting the balls, jogging on the running track, and chucking them. The two helpers also become adept at manoeuvring to block the throws with their bodies, while at the same time pedalling to make life difficult for the contestants. The result of these fairly equal opposing efforts is that about half the time goals are scored, and the other half the balls miss or are blocked. Another result is that Tara and Charlotte get increasingly splotched by bright splashes of colour from the burst balls. But April and Roanna don’t stay dry either; April takes a tumble in the muddy water, emerging sopping and bedraggled, while Roanna gets a taste of the grass blaster, which Tara uses to head off a close-up shot with a rugby ball.
Natalie: [calling] Ten seconds left! Nine!!
The two teachers, seizing their last chance to score points, each grab a rugby ball and charge down the conveyor belt. Tara and Charlotte likewise go for broke, hammering the pedals to drive the running tracks at sprinting pace.
Natalie, Clara and Audience: EIGHT!! SEVEN!!
Roanna bears down on her goal, rugby ball raised, ready to strike. In a piece of quick thinking, Tara ceases her pedalling, bringing the running track to a sudden stop. Roanna pitches forward onto her front, and the rugby ball bursts in her face, covering her features with turquoise goo.
Natalie, Clara and Audience: SIX!! FIVE!! FOUR!!
April, losing traction, pitches her rugby ball. Charlotte leans over to try to block it, but can only brush it with her shoulder, not enough to stop it curving into the goal.
Natalie, Clara and Audience: THREE!! TWO!! ONE!!
The klaxon blares.
Clara: [hurrying onto the scene] Hold it right there! Stop!!
April and Roanna rasp away blades of grass and try to shake down their soggy forms. Tara and Charlotte are also dripping goo, but are unable to wipe themselves because of their tied wrists.
Natalie: [following onto the scene] Wow! Plenty of physical education all round! But who was most on the ball?
Clara: [nods towards the net behind Charlotte] One way to find out!
Natalie goes over to the net. Trying to avoid the slime that is dripping from it, she pulls out a drawerlike compartment from the bottom in which the tokens are collected.
Natalie: Okay, we’ve got a gold token, a silver, another gold – good start here… [continues counting] …and two more bronze. So overall, Miss Keats, you’ve got four gold, four silver, and three bronze. That gives you… [waits for score in her earpiece] 27 points, which means your final mark is 58!
April raises her hands and issues a “Woo!” but it is a thin and rather wobbly woo, as she knows her score means nothing until Roanna’s points are totted up. Roanna, however, looks even more anxious.
Clara: Wait, what’s that down there?
Natalie: [looking round] What? More tokens?
Clara: No, it looks like… looks like a frog!
Natalie: [leaping onto tiptoes] AGGHHH!! WHERE!?! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!
Clara: Ha ha! Only kidding! Dr Darwin, here’s the situation for you: You’re currently on 28 points; you have the tiebreaker advantage so you need to level with Miss Keats on 58; so that means 30 is the all-important number you must reach. Let’s see…
Clara walks over to the net behind Tara, and removes the token holder. Natalie, recovering from the fright, glares at her co-host.
Natalie: That wasn’t funny!
Clara: Quiet, I’m trying to count. Okay, [murmurs] silver, gold, bronze… [continues counting] …and one more silver to finish with. Dr Darwin, you have five bronze, four silver, and three gold…
Roanna’s face turns stony, nose twitching as she does the calculation.
Clara: That gives you 25 points…
Roanna: No!!
Clara: …so you finish on 53! Loser!
A huge cheers rises from the audience, and an even bigger one from April, who jumps up and down. Her chest bounces inside her sodden t-shirt. Roanna has her hands pressed on either side of her face; in between them, her nose twitches rapidly.
Natalie: Oh look – Miss Keats is so pleased she’s doing some more star jumps! You two can wait there to be dealt with, but first let’s seal the fates of our two sixth-formers!
Clara unties Tara’s wrists and asks her to dismount from the bike. Charlotte’s wrists are kept tied and she is left to sit on her bike, pulling a rueful face as she ponders what might happen to her.
Natalie: Tara, excellent job there defending against Dr Darwin, and I think Miss Keats owes you big time in class for your great contribution to keeping her out of the sludge! And because you and she didn’t just win overall, but also won this game, your birthday goes with a bang courtesy of a £250 gift from us! Just don’t get too hammered, eh?
Tara: [accepting the golden envelope] Thanks, Natalie. I’ll buy Tara a drink or two. She also did very well and it was a close thing.
Clara: How very magnanimous, Tara, but I get the feeling Charlotte might be washing her hair tonight! Though on second thoughts, Charlotte, it is your birthday, so we’re not going to do anything unpleasant to you.
Charlotte: [wary] Oh. Well that’s very kind of you.
Clara: Nothing of it. Instead, here come your classmates to give you that time-honoured birthday egging and flouring! Come on guys, let her have it!
A gang of boisterous students enter the scene, carrying boxes of eggs. They set upon the poor Chinese girl, who is unable even to use her hands to defend herself. Most of the eggs get cracked on her head, causing her mop of hair to become lank and glossy as the egg whites and yolks slide over it. Some of the more adventurous boys crack eggs inside her tracksuit. Next come the bags of flour, which are tipped or wafted over Charlotte, until she is encrusted with white.
Natalie: Oh dear! Who’d have a birthday? But on the plus side, we did make you a cake!
While Happy Birthday to You plays (it is out of copyright now, after all), two of the clowns appear, carrying a board between them on which rests a white, multi-tiered cake. They step on the running track, which begins moving steadily towards Charlotte, even though she isn’t pedalling. The clowns bungle the cake, nearly dropping it a few times.
Clara: Careful! Careful! Let’s not have an accident now!
As the clowns approach Charlotte, the cake begins to tip towards her. Charlotte cowers, wearing a squeamish grin as she prepares to be hit.
Clara: CAREFUL!!
The clowns manage to recover the cake to a vertical angle. The running track slows to a stop, and the clowns lay the cake gently on the bike’s handlebars in front of Charlotte and step back to take a bow.
Natalie: Well, thank goodness for−
Charlotte’s friends spring from behind and push her into the cake. She eventually fights her way out, her face and front ensconced in white cream.
Clara: [shrugs] With friends like those, ha ha! Let’s hope adulthood brings Tara and Charlotte greater maturity than demonstrate this show! Towel and toiletry packs required by both of you, I think. Ladies and gents, give it up, if you would please, for our sixth-formers – a great pair of sports!
The audience applauds while Natalie and Clara stroll over to where April and Roanna are loitering.
Charlotte: [spluttering] Are you going to untie me?
Natalie: I’m sure your friends will do it when they’re good and ready! [To April and Roanna] Now, you two, it’s time to go and get changed out of that horrid kit. Because the bell is about to ring, and there’s one more lesson marked in your timetable. You know what it is, don’t you, Miss Keats?
April: Indeed yes! The last lesson of the day is always the sweetest!
Clara: And Dr Darwin, do you know what lesson is coming up next?
Roanna: [nose twitching] A-A-Actually, I have a letter saying I can go home early! [Rummages in her shorts and pulls out a soggy scrap of paper]
Natalie: [frowning as she peers at letter] Signed Mummy Darwin? Roanna, did you write this yourself? [Screws up the letter and tosses it away]
Clara: Oh dear! You can see why Dr Darwin is so desperate to get out of this next lesson, because it’s more tricky than trigonometry, more colourful than art class, and more sloppy than home economics! It is, of course…
Natalie and Clara together: …THE SLUDGE SLING!!
The soundtrack is one of cheers, whistles, and chants of “Sludge! Sludge! Sludge!” The picture is one of green. The camera is on deep zoom, focussed on a particularly gelatinous and snotty glob that protrudes out of the surface of the sludge. A slight zoom out, and we see the exclamation mark that Stephanie drew on earlier. The white from the thickly applied dot has leached outwards, so as to produce a pale halo in the surrounding sludge.
The camera roves onwards across the surface, which is thick and smooth in places, lumpy and gunky in others, but aside from the white letters that pass by, unrelentingly green.
On arrival at the pool’s edge the view rises, passing over the primed fulcrum of the medieval-style catapult and climbing up its wooden beam. The camera comes to a footrest, and on it a pair of bare, slender feet. Ankles and shins follow, also bare, and although Roanna’s navy-blue pencil skirt covers her knees when she is standing, when seated they too are exposed. Roanna’s posture is characteristically prim and reserved, upright and uptight. Her bum is clenched on the little seat and her legs are together with her forearms resting on them. Her upper arms are against her torso and her shoulders sit squarely in her light-blue sleeveless blouse.
She has showered and dried following the last game, and her hair is tidily collected by the clasp at the back of her head. Roanna’s head is tiled back, so that she is looking out of the very bottom of her eyes at the sludge before her. Her mouth is pursed upwards so that her bottom lip covers her top one, and as for her button nose, it is all atwitch.
Clara: [out of shot, singing to the tune of Greensleeves]
Green, the colour of grimy grot,
Of stagnant ponds and slimy snot.
Green, the pus from a septic spot… Oh, sorry Dr Darwin! Am I making you squeamish? It’s just that I’m so excited about the debut of QuickGreen! And I can see the audience are excited too, aren’t you? Let’s have a shout out from everyone at Topswitch!
A huge cheer goes up, joined by renewed chants of “Sludge! Sludge! Sludge!” Roanna responds only with a flush of the cheeks and a flurry of nose twitches. The camera zooms out to get the full view of her seated on the catapult, Clara standing beside her. The studio lighting has been dimmed, except for a spotlight on Roanna and intense top-down illumination of the verdant sludge itself. As the camera zooms out further, the writing “TEACH HER A LESSON!” comes into view in its entirety.
A second spotlight is trained on the spangly throne, on which April is seated, dressed in her striped blouse and culottes. Her posture is serene and relaxed, as if she is lounging in the staffroom on a free period on a Friday. She wears a casual smile on her face as she enjoys the discomfiture of her senior colleague. Natalie stands in attendance beside the throne.
Natalie: Now there’s a deputy head who’s filled with dread! Nicely played, Miss Keats, nicely played. After a tied start you broke ahead in the second round, then cemented your victory in the third. You didn’t win the audience vote, but plenty did back you, and now everyone’s stoked for seeing the Doc go down! Tell me, how are you feeling?
April: I’m totally stoked too, Natalie! [Rubs hands together] Can’t wait to pull that chain!
Natalie: Wow, for once she’s in a hurry to get things done! Well Miss Keats, I’m afraid you will have to wait a little longer to settle this grudge.
Clara: Indeed. Dr Darwin, your projectile-motion deep-submersion disciplinary event – or sludging, as we call it – is going to be a postponed a few minutes. Not because we want to draw out your agony as you sit gazing at your fate – though we do enjoy doing that – but because actually we want to be kind to you. Yes, really. We think you should still get the chance to send Miss Keats back to school somewhat sullied, and so we’ve prepared a Three-course Ordeal!
Natalie pushes out a serving trolley from the dark recesses at the back of the stage. As normal, it carries three containers, labelled “Gloop of the Day”, “Manky Mains”, and “Just Desserts”. But instead of ornate silverware, the containers are dulled and dented steel urns.
Natalie: Actually, this isn’t our handiwork, Clara. Tonight’s ordeal comes courtesy of Topswitch Academy’s kitchen staff, who have cooked up some school dinner classics!
Clara: Ooo, how nice – not! Dr Darwin, I’m sure it will please you greatly to see these school staples tipped all over the smug Miss Keats, and you can make it happen by giving the correct answers to the multiple-choice questions I’m about to read to you!
Natalie: But, get a question wrong and Miss Keats will be spared. Instead there’ll be a gravity-driven containment emptying process above your own cranium! Understand?
Roanna: Yep. [Sits keenly with a sense of purpose]
Clara: Oh, and sorry to disappoint, but there aren’t any questions on the sex lives of insects. First question is for the Gloop of the Day! Natalie, what do we have?
Natalie: [lifting the lid of the first urn] Gloop of the Day is cabbage!
Clara: Cabbage, eughh. Good thing Tara isn’t around! Dr Darwin, here’s your question: Greta McGee is the fictional school principal in which film?
The Breakfast Club?
School of Rock?
Or Grease?
Roanna: [Puffs through her cheeks] Greta McGee. Hmmmm… I’m pretty sure the principal in The Breakfast Club is a guy, so that rules that one out. School of Rock… now that has a female principal, I seem to remember. She’s a bit sort of… [hesitates]. A bit…
Natalie: [sweetly] Uptight and target-driven?
Roanna: Yeah alright! Grease, I really don’t remember anything about the principal, because I was busy watching John Travolta…
Clara: Ooh, it’s all coming out about the good doctor!
Roanna: …I’m gonna go with School of Rock.
April breaks into a broad smile.
Clara: Well I could break the news to you, but it looks like Miss Keats is qualified to do it.
April: [in a taunting tone] It’s Grease!
Roanna groans.
Natalie: Speaking of which, here comes the cabbage gloop for Dr Darwin!
The blonde presenter picks up the urn and carries it over the platform behind the catapult. Roanna hunches her shoulders and screws her lips together. She also pinches her nose, partly to protect herself against any cabbagey smells, and partly to stop a spate of twitching that has been set off. The Cabagge Gloop is bottle-green in colour and has a coarse and silty texture owing to the chopped leaves. It splatters onto the crown of Roanna’s head and piles up in irregular dollops before sliding over her hair. It piles up around her clasped hair at the back, and slides over her ears and onto her sleeve-free shoulders and arms, which hunch further. Roanna squirms forward, keeping her head tilted back to prevent it going on her face, causing plenty to drop wetly onto her back.
Clara: Nice dark-green shade there – not as dark as QuickGreen but good for an undercoat. That’s what get for having a crush on John Travolta!
Roanna sticks out her tongue to express her disgust. April is grinning at the spectacle.
Clara: Let’s see if you can do better on the next question, on which ride the Manky Mains. But first, let’s find out what they are. Nat?
Natalie de-lids the second urn and bangs it with a ladle for good measure.
Natalie: We have mystery stew!
Clara: Ah yes, mystery stew! I never did fathom it out myself. Here comes the question: You may enjoy monitoring each pupil’s progress on a spreadsheet, Dr Darwin, but imagine if you were deputy head at City Montessori School, in India, which is listed by Guinness World Records as the world’s biggest school by pupil number. But just how many pupils are there, according to the latest update on the Guinness website, to the nearest thousand?
Are there thirty-six thousand?
Fifty-six thousand?
Or seventy-six thousand?
Roanna’s face shows clear dismay at being asked another question she doesn’t know the answer to. A bare foot stamps on the footrest in frustration, while dollops of Cabbage Gloop continue to plop from her hair onto her back and shoulders. She furrows her brow.
Roanna: [eventually] If we’re gonna go big, let’s go real big. Seventy-six thousand.
Clara: Now that is pretty big, isn’t it, Miss Keats?
April pulls an apprehensive face.
Clara: In fact it’s too big! The correct answer is fifty-six thousand, or, seeing as you like precision, 55,547!
Cue an eye-roll and another groan from Roanna, and spirited cheering from April.
Natalie: Mystery stew is just what the doctor ordered!
Picking up both the urn and the ladle, Natalie returns to her spot behind the catapult. Suspending the ladle from its handle in one hand, she proceeds to ladle out big sloppy helpings with the other. The stew is greyish-brown and contains a mixture of big and small lumps in a congealed gravy. Natalie exercises plenty of variety in her aim, dropping helpings on Roanna’s head, down her front, and on her skirt and legs. She even slings a ladleful in Roanna’s hitherto clean face, earning a big cheer from the audience and of course April. When about half way through, Natalie gets bored and tips the remainder straight out of the urn, causing Roanna to squawk as the unappetising stew slops over her hair and shoulders. Natalie bangs out the urn and returns, satisfied, to her trolley.
Clara: Now that was quite a mystery! Dear me, Dr Darwin, your attainment standard is dreadful! What’s going on?
Roanna: [flicking lumps of stew off her cheeks.] You’re not giving me the right questions!
Clara: Oh, that’s the problem, is it? Miss Keats, you’re one course away from a clean sweep!
April: I know. It’s brilliant!
Clara: Well don’t speak too soon, because Dr Darwin still has that final chance to give you your Just Desserts! Now, I think there’s only one thing it can be, and that is classic school-grade custard, but Nat if you could please confirm…
Natalie: [taking the lid off the final urn] Yep, it’s school custard. Nice and lumpy and there’s even a skin on it!
Clara: I hear it’s a favourite with the school caretaker.
Natalie: Oh yeah?
Clara: Yeah, he likes to point the brickwork with it! Dr Darwin, this is one you really want to be tipped over Miss Keats instead of yourself, so you need to raise your performance level and fast! Final question – it’s pot luck: What is perovskite?
The potato residue left over from making vodka?
A synthetic alternative to catgut, used to make violin strings?
Or a mineral used to make solar panels?
Roanna: [eyes light up, speaks without hesitation] It’s a mineral used to make solar panels.
Clara: [straight-faced] Miss Keats, care to venture an opinion?
April: [gripping the throne] I don’t know, but it’s a sciencey thing so I reckon Ro might be right.
Clara: [sighs] Dr Darwin, this was your last chance to get something back on Miss Keats… and you’re absolute right!
Roanna pumps her fist. April throws back her head.
Natalie: So Miss Keats gets her Just Desserts!
The audience are delighted that the English teacher is not going to get off scot-free. Natalie carries the custard urn to the back of the throne and climbs the set of the steps. April closes her eyes and clenches her teeth. Her knuckles are white on the arms of the throne. Natalie tips the urn and the bright yellow custard flows thickly out. It lands amongst April’s bird’s nest of blonde curls and permeates that mass of hair, dragging those curls downwards at it spreads out. Soon April’s hair has become flattened and matted – a shiny yellow mop that hangs around her head. The custard drips down onto her blouse, bringing further prominence to her large breasts as it collects over them. April laughs squeamishly as Natalie shakes out the extra-thick dregs. Roanna smirks at the scene.
Clara: Some very Just Desserts for Miss Keats there! But you don’t have much to smirk about, Dr Darwin! For one thing, 33% is a pretty poor score, and for another, the time has come for you to go green!
Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus blares out around the studio, as the jewel-encrusted toilet chain descends from the ceiling at April’s right-hand side. The jubilant audience clap along, and April sings “Hallelujah!” while she slicks back her custard-filled hair. As for Roanna, she sits more stiffly than ever, nose twitching while bits of cabbage gloop and mystery stew drip off her.
Clara puts on a pair of sunglasses and hands another pair to Natalie.
Clara: You might wanna put these on; this is gonna be very green!
The pair go over to the throne, where April’s hair is now slicked backwards, flat against her scalp, making her look quite different.
Natalie: Miss Keats, I guess you didn’t want to end this show wearing your school’s custard, but you’re going to get the last laugh by a long, long way. Look at the lady on that seat – Deputy Head Doctor Roanna Darwin – PhD in creepy-crawly coitus! She bores you witless with her management buzzwords, she makes you stay late filling in spreadsheets. She sets you all those targets; now the target is set for her and it’s sure to be a big hit! As the sludge says, teach her a lesson! Pull that golden chain, April…
Natalie and Clara together: …AND SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!
Wearing a huge grin, April yanks down the chain. Roanna’s lips are puckered upwards, nearly touching her twitching nose. Her cheeks too are scrunched upwards, closing her eyes from below. Fountains of sparks erupt from either side of the catapult, but before it moves anywhere, a batch of white, paint-like gunge drops from the ceiling onto its occupant, who screams, her eyes opening wide, as she gets another covering on top of the school dinners.
The catapult draws back, then fires the wide-eyed teacher skyward. The seat unfolds during the launch, causing Roanna’s body to straighten with it, and she remains in an upright position as she flies clear. Her legs stay together, her toes pointing downwards in a ballet dancer’s poise. Said toes are the first thing to enter the sludge, and her legs and torso follow, ploughing through the double S of “LESSON”. Then, as Roanna’s feet hit the padded base of the pool, her body buckles and she tumbles backwards, her face the last part of her to disappear into the green morass.
The studio erupts in a roar. The Topswitch pupils – and even more so the staff – are worked into a frenzy. Not a single backside has stayed on its seat. Phones are raised to record the glorious scene (even though it will be televised in full HD). One excitable kid lobs a paper plane, which splash lands in a corner of the pool. April watches with a hand over her mouth, almost overwhelmed by what she has caused, but behind that hand is a big grin.
As for Roanna, only a churning and bubbling of the surface indicates the cold, sticky, clothes-filling punishment she is receiving in the sludgy depths. Then two hands emerge, far apart and caked in green. The hands stretch out, feeling for something to cling onto, but find nothing so push back into the gunge. Then, in between where these hands emerged, a lumpy, misshapen object, which can only be Roanna’s head, makes its appearance.
The first priority is the gaping of the mouth to gulp in air and spit away stringy strands of the gunk. A short scream is emitted. The second priority is the opening of an eye – a single eye. If the nose is twitching, nothing can be seen of it. Atop Roanna’s head, a big mound sits, gelatinous yet bright and opaque. Roanna’s face is totally dishevelled, her ears are filled, and it is only as she peels a long strand something away from her face, to uncover the other eye, that it becomes clear what has happened; her hair clasp has come off somewhere in the depths, freeing her hair and causing to wrap over her face. Roanna is completely plastered, and very, very green.
April lets out a long peal off laughter as she takes in the transformation of her colleague. She points down at the dishevelled Dr Darwin, and turns to share her delight with the audience. Roanna slowly rises from the glop, revealing first her shoulders, then her pert, green bust. Her blouse is saturated inside and out, and Roanna’s bare arms now bear sleeves of the cling green goo. Roanna turns her face upwards to confront the cackling Miss Keats, but is beaten back by a downpour of sludge from above – the same consistency, the same brilliant green.
Natalie: [stepping back on the scene] Oh wow!! Green is the colour! Now there’s a lady whose spreadsheet has been well and truly filled!
Clara joins Natalie. Both regard the scene through their sunglasses.
Clara: A truly epic sludging, and a great success for QuickGreen, if I do say so myself!
Natalie: Have to admit it’s a blinder, Clara. Tell you what, why don’t we have everyone from Topswitch up on the stage? Come on folks, up you come!
Another cheer ensues as audience members eagerly file out of their rows.
Clara: And while that’s going on, let’s see this marvellous moment in spectacular slow motion!
The slow-motion replay commences with the pre-sling gunge falling from ceiling, jolting Roanna’s eyes open as her head and shoulders are splattered white. The catapult then draws back, and Roanna’s cheeks pucker from the g-force as the catapult fires. As seen before, her body stays straight and upright once she is airborne, and with her legs clamped together, her pencil skirt begins to tangle and ride up her thighs. As she looks downwards, her face hardens with determination to land upright and avoid going completely under, but her expression turns to shock as her legs penetrate the sludge and it whooshes up her skirt. Finally, as she totters backwards and the back of her head splashes into the sludge, a look of dismay can be seen on her face before the green goo washes over it.
Back in the present, dozens of pupils and staff members are now congregated around the pool (Tara and Charlotte are among them, wearing Grudge-2-Sludge dressing gowns). All revel in the downfall of their deputy head. Below them, Roanna wallows up to her bust in the mire. She wears a wry smile and shakes her head at her humiliation.
Natalie: Miss Keats, congratulations! You’ve dunked the deputy, and you can return to Topswitch queen of your classroom! How do you feel?
April: Terrific, Natalie. Absolutely terrific!
Clara: We’re pleased to hear it. And equally terrific are the prizes that you’ve won: a trip to Stratford for your class, and a holiday in Istanbul for yourself!
April: Yep, really looking forward to both.
Natalie: But there’s an even greater prize: Your Grudge-2-Sludge certificate! [Holds up certificate and proceeds to read]
This is to certify that
has had the grudge with her colleague
settled in her favour, and that accordingly:
‣ Roanna will quit with the management speak and will use everyday language in the staffroom.
‣ Roanna will scale back the spreadsheets and data collection will be half-termly instead of weekly.
‣ April will have the freedom to structure her lessons as she chooses.
Signed,
Natalie Lloyd Clara Quick
Clara: And here at the bottom is space for your fave photo of Dr Darwin in the sludge! I’m sure this certificate will look great in your classroom, or even better, outside Doctor Darwin’s office!
April: [winking] I think it will be. Thanks very much for a fun time.
Natalie: Oh, you’re welcome! Thanks for amusing us. Everybody, give it up for Miss April Keats!
The assembled crowd cheers, and April waves her certificate before pointing and laughing at Roanna once more. Natalie and Clara also shift their attention to the unfortunate squelching loser.
Natalie: Hey, what’s up Doc?
Clara: Ro, you’ve just become the first person to experience QuickGreen! How would you describe it?
Roanna: Cold. Slimy. Gross!
Clara: Well she’s gone back to using ordinary words so I’d say this has been huge success!
Natalie: Dr Darwin, I’m afraid you don’t win any of the trips we mentioned, but hey, you’ve been a good sport, so we’re going to gift you a Grudge-2-Sludge towel and toiletry pack to lessen the green tinge with which you return to school!
Clara: Everyone, let’s please show some appreciation for the good doctor!
The audience applauds, while Roanna raises two gungey hands in a wry shrug. Her moment is disrupted by another downpour of the bright green goo from above her, which re-covers her face and causes her to duck up to her neck.
Natalie: And that just about wraps it up for another episode of Grudge-2-Sludge.
Clara: It’s been a pleasure as always. Thanks very much for watching, everyone. Natalie, if you wouldn’t mind holding this… [Hands something over]
Natalie: Sure, no problem. What is… EEEEEKKK!!
Natalie flings away the object and flees, pushing her way through the crowd. Clara picks up the thing by one of its legs. It is another rubber frog.
Natalie: [hand against her chest] Oh my God, Clara, you−ARRRRGGHH!!!
A giant, upright frog leaps in front of Natalie. Natalie turns and sprints up her staircase, continuing to scream until she has disappeared inside the red-rimmed archway. The frog takes off its head, revealing it is Stephanie in a costume.
Clara: [creased up with laughter] That… ha ha! That was a very frog-phobic Natalie Lloyd! I’m Clara Quick, inventor of QuickGreen. And this has been Grudge-2-Sludge! We hope you can join us again next time! Goodbye!
The outro music plays and the crowd breaks into sustained clapping. The camera returns for a final close-up of the very green Roanna, who waves a rueful goodbye. The show ends with a montage of highlights: snippets from the teachers’ videoreels, action from the rather bizarre moon game, flannings of the frauds and Natalie being tormented inside the perspex cubicle, the teachers running on the treadmills and the students on their bikes, Charlotte being egged and floured, and the serving of the school dinners. The final shots are of course of April pulling the chain and Roanna being fired from the catapult into the sludge pool, emerging much greener than when she went in.
Thanks again to Oobleck for commissioning this episode and for providing the fantastic characters.