Grudge-2-Sludge – Episode 8 (Teachers April vs Roanna): Introduction

Big thanks to Oobleck, who has very keenly and generously commissioned a second episode (his first was Juliette vs Bec).

All characters are fictional and any resemblance to real persons is coincidence.

An alarm clock rings. Frantic orchestral music commences.

A hand reaches over and throws the clock against the wall. A tousle-haired Natalie yawns and rolls over in bed.

The music cuts to something stately and serene. In a different bedroom, a pyjama-clad Clara gets out of bed and stretches. She makes sure that Mr Cuddly is nicely tucked in, then goes to the bathroom. We see Clara’s pyjama bottoms drop to her ankles, and the camera stays trained on the backs of her olive-toned legs (many wish it would film higher) as she steps into the shower.

Back to the frantic music and the Lloyd household. ‘Natalie’s mum’ (actually Natalie but in a grey wig with curlers) storms into Natalie’s room. She wags a scolding figure at Natalie and wrenches opening the curtains, flooding the room with daylight and causing Natalie to groan.

Serene music. In the Quick residence, Clara is using a bunsen burner and glass beaker to boil an egg to fine precision. She is wearing a white shirt and royal-blue skirt, and she puts on a stripey blue tie and royal-blue blazer. The blazer has a crest featuring the letters ‘G2S’, fashioned from the show’s logo. Clara gives the badge a pat.

Frantic music. Natalie is still pulling up her obscenely short skirt as her mum bundles her out the door. Her uniform is the same as Clara’s, except that the skirt and blazer are a burgundy colour and her tie (knotted and skew-whiff) is a shade of scarlet. The school bus is coming round the corner and Natalie hops down the road with one shoe on to catch it. Clara is already waiting at the bus stop, very neat and rather pompous, holding a smart briefcase. Natalie gets to the bus stop just as the bus arrives and barges past Clara to get on first.

On the bus, Natalie is crammed on the back seat with some other ‘girls’, while Clara sits at the front, reading a hefty textbook on classical electromagnetism. Natalie lobs a rolled-up scrap of paper, which hits Clara on the back of the head. Clara looks round and frowns. Natalie sniggers to her friends.

The bus arrives at the school and Natalie rushes down the aisle. Clara discreetly sticks out her foot, and Natalie goes flying out of the bus door. She careens into a stereotypical older male teacher wearing a tweed jacket with elbow pads. Natalie brushes down the teacher’s lapels, smiles cheesily and runs off, while the teacher stares after her. A smug Clara alights from the bus and walks briskly with her briefcase. The duo go through a pair of doors in the wall of the school, one red, the other blue…

…Cut to the studio, and the two presenters step out of their respective archways, to rapturous applause. They are still wearing their school uniforms (although Clara’s briefcase has disappeared in the transition). They jog down their staircases and meet on the stage. Natalie holds out her hand for a high five and Clara goes for it, but Natalie withdraws her hand at the last minute, to Clara’s irritation. Despite their chirpy schoolgirl demeanours, there is a clear touch of frostiness between them after their bust-up at the end of the last episode.

Natalie: Hello!! Good evening! This is Grudge-2-Sludge and we’ve gone back to school!

Clara: [coughs]

Natalie: Oh yeah. She’s Clara Quick.

Clara: And she’s Natalie Lloyd. Welcome to our special school-themed edition of Grudge-2-Sludge, when we get to turn the tables on the teachers, but will it be the messed days of their lives?

The audience groans.

Natalie: On that note I think we better take the register, because April will soon be upon us!

Clara: Umm… it’s July, Nat.

Natalie: [bristles at Clara’s use of that name, but lets it pass] No, our first contestant is called April – or Miss Keats in the classroom. She’s 24 years old, and she’s an English teacher at Topswitch Academy in Sunderland. Let’s bring her on from the red corner!

The audience cheers and whistles as a young woman makes her ebullient entrance through the red-rimmed archway. April Keats has a bird’s nest of tight blonde curls that bounces about her shoulders and frames a face with delicate features and a healthy tan. She is dressed as she might do for the classroom, in a long-sleeved blouse (predominantly red but punctuated with black and white vertical strips) and black three-quarter-length culottes. She is fairly short, and curvaceous of figure – wide hips, big bum, thick thighs, and above all a plus-size chest – which bounces as she bounds down the stairs, to be greeted by Natalie.

Natalie: Miss Keats, hi! Full of beans, I see – just what you need for this show! Now, it has be said that you teachers get a lot of flack from all sides – unruly kids, demanding parents, grim governors – but in your case your biggest headache is coming from a colleague; is that right?

April: Sadly so, Natalie. I’d like to call her a friend too, but our relationship’s taking some strain of late.

Natalie: Well fear not, because Grudge-2-Sludge exists to sort out situations like this. What’s the lady’s name?

April: Roanna.

Clara: Or Doctor Darwin, as she’s known at school. She’s a 31-year-old biology teacher and was recently appointed deputy head at Topswitch. Let’s meet her from the blue corner!

More cheering and whistling ensues as Roanna Darwin makes her entrance out of the opposing archway, her manner more reserved than April’s but not lacking in authority. Her hair is dark brown and presumably quite long, but is gathered up behind her head in a hair clasp. She has angular cheekbones and a pointy chin, the sternness of which is offset by a cute button nose. Tall and slim, Roanna has a medium-sized perky bust and defined hips, the former hugged by a sleeveless light-blue blouse and the latter a navy-blue pencil skirt, under which her legs are absent of tights. She strolls downstairs to where she greets Clara.

Clara: Dr Darwin, welcome! The doctor is in the house!

Natalie: It could come in handy if someone faints from over-excitement later on.

Roanna: As it happens, I am one of the school first-aiders, but my qualification won’t be any help. You see, I’m a naturalist.

Natalie: Well you can keep your clothes on while you’re here, if you don’t mind!

Roanna: You misunderstand. I have a PhD in reproductive entomology.

Clara: And what’s that when it’s at home?

Roanna: [her button nose twitching slightly] I studied the mating patterns of insects.

Natalie: [raises an eyebrow] Whatever turns you on. But we’re getting a bit sidetracked here, so Miss Keats, care to explain why you have a grudge against the doc?

April: I’ll be delighted to express myself…

The first of the two customary video-reels begins. April is walking down a school corridor. There is the usual hustle and bustle going on around her, with kids jostling to get to lessons or getting stuff out of lockers, but nobody seems to notice April speaking into the camera in front of her.

April:
There once was a teacher, Roanna,
Who had a most amiable manner.
Promotion then led
To deputy head…

April walks into a classroom, where kids are already seated at their desks. Roanna is standing by the door, keenly entering data into a tablet.

Roanna: [sharply] Forty-five seconds late! That’s been logged! [walks out of room]

April: [Shakes her head at the camera] …Now she’s an insufferable planner!

The next scene is in the staffroom. Roanna is standing at the front, giving a presentation on a big screen, while the staff, April among them, sit watching. The slides of the presentation feature ludicrously complicated pie charts, scatter graphs and organograms, which are peppered with management buzzwords. April swills round her ubiquitous teacher’s mug of coffee and stifles a yawn.

April: [voiceover, also yawning]
Assessment! Attainment! Aims and objectives!
Roanna spews her buzzword invective.
And what the hell is “scholastic synergy”?!
I may teach English, but this is all Greek to me!

Our scene returns to the classroom, but now the place is deserted except for April, who is sitting at her desk with a laptop in front of her and stacks of paper either side. Outside the windows it is dark, and an owl can be heard to hoot. Taking a sip from her coffee mug, April takes the next sheet of paper off the stack and wearily types from it into the computer.

April: [voiceover]
Late at night, no-one here, even caretaker gone,
The weekly report-filling still to be done.
Each cell in the spreadsheet has to be filled,
Each teenage life must be logged and distilled,
Into median, mean and standard deviation;
Roanna won’t stand for any aberration!
So we wade through her targets and bullet-point plans,
Don’t try to inspire kids; push them through the exams!

Sighing with relief, April closes the laptop and carries it off down the corridor. She arrives outside a door, which bears an officious plaque:

 
April pauses and then knocks apprehensively.

Roanna doesn’t look round when April enters. She is transfixed – nay, mesmerised – by a bank of eight monitors in front of her, all showing spreadsheets or charts. Further charts are plastered all over the walls, and two printers are spewing out reams of paper.

Roanna: [still not looking round – in the glow of the monitors she looks mildly demonic] You’re late with your attainment statistics again, Miss Keats. Let’s have them here; I hope you’ve met all your targets!

April: [directly to the camera as she places the laptop on the desk]
Ro’s committed, sure,
But she’s becoming obsessed!
SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!

The video-reel ends and the scene returns to the studio, which is filled with the noise of spirited booing – directed, of course, at the unrepentant Dr Darwin.

Natalie: Ooo, I love a good haiku! Very nice, Miss Keats! Bit of a break from the usual format there.

Roanna: It’s very typical of her not to conform to standards.

Clara: [poking Roanna] Oi, Dr Darwin! Don’t have a go at Miss Keats; it’s you whose behaviour’s under scrutiny! And I think I can see what’s going on here: A bright and earnest teacher, ambitious, gets a promotion, and gets so wrapped up in targets and stats that she forgets what teaching’s all about!

Natalie: Seems so, Clara. I went through one of Dr Darwin’s presentations earlier, and I have to say, I couldn’t make head or tail of it. But maybe you’ll be able to help me with some translations, Miss Keats. First up: “eduction dissemination module”.

April: Uh, that’s Roanna’s term for lesson.

Natalie: Okay, how about this: “bi-annual dialogue with legal guardians regarding pupil appraisal”.

April: Parents’ evening.

Natalie: And lastly, what on earth is a “compact classroom stationery containment device”?!

April: [wryly shaking her head] A pencil case.

Clara: [sighs] Dear me, Dr Darwin! You seem to think you’re running a trendy management consultancy, not a school!

Roanna: Well why shouldn’t a school be as well-run and successful as a big city firm?! That’s what I strive for every day – delivering an ever-better pupil-developmental education experience!

April: [rolling eyes] Or teaching, as we used to call it…

Roanna: And it’s a pity April doesn’t do more of it! [To Clara] She has an anything-goes attitude, I’m afraid.

Clara: Yes, well, there are two sides to every grudge, so Dr Darwin, let’s have your dissection of Miss Keats…

The second video-reel, like the first, commences in the school corridor. But this time the corridor is empty and quiet and the only person walking along it is Roanna. She peers into classrooms as she passes them, nodding with approval at the quiet, orderly lessons that are going on inside. But from somewhere down the corridor, shouts and cries echo increasingly loudly. Roanna frowns as she heads towards the noise.

Roanna: [directly to the camera]
For April, I have lots of time;
Her heart is in her work.
But that is no excuse to let…

Roanna steps through the doorway of April’s classroom and into complete anarchy. The kids are wearing tinfoil armour and attacking each other with kitchen-roll tubes and balls of screwed up paper. Some of the desks have been overturned to use as barricades. As for April, she is sitting at her own desk, egging the kids on. Behind her on the blackboard, “Richard III” is written.

Roanna: [looking on with horror]
…Her pupils run berserk!

We see more scenes in which Roanna walks in on April’s ‘lessons’. In one, the pupils are sitting cross-legged on their desks, in a meditation posture. In another, they are doing the conga around the classroom. In a third, April is standing on her desk playing air guitar. The scene then shifts outside to the school grounds, where the kids are hugging trees, while April urges them to “get in touch with nature.” Roanna, walking along, does a double take.

Roanna: [voiceover]
She tries to be that “cool teacher”;
The one that kids think rocks.
The classroom methods she employs
Are quite unorthodox!

Next scene: Roanna is in her office, poring over her spreadsheet. She frowns when she sees a big white gap on one of the pages. She marches over to April’s classroom, where April is sitting at her desk with her feet up on a pile of exercise books. Roanna pulls one of the books out the pile. A cross expression grows on her face as she flicks through it.

Roanna: [voiceover]
When doing my performance stats,
I’m not impressed to find,
That April’s marking’s often weeks
Or even months behind!

Next scene: Roanna stands outside her office while the caretaker nails her name plaque to the door (presumably this is back when she first got the promotion to deputy head). Several members of staff walk past and congratulate her. April, however, stands at her classroom door sulking. When Roanna looks her way, April turns away and goes into her classroom.

Roanna: [voiceover]
You might not know April applied
For job of dep’ty head.
It’s sad to say she wasn’t pleased
I got the role instead!

Once again Roanna walks into April’s classroom. April has written the letters “DR DARWIN” vertically on the board, and is encouraging kids to fill in uncomplimentary words that start with those letters, thus making an acrostic. April chuckles heartily, not realising that Roanna is standing right behind her, while the kids cough to try and warn her.

Roanna: [seething as she addresses the camera]
I hope that we’ll stay staffroom pals,
Despite this growing grudge.
But classroom chaos will not do,
SO SLING HER IN THE SLUDGE!!

The video-reel ends. Back in the studio, it is April’s turn to face the vociferous booing, the schoolkids revelling in this opportunity to lambast their teachers.

Natalie: Oh now, Miss Keats, that’s not very nice! Encouraging the kids to make fun of the deputy head – besides anything else, you’re undermining her authority!

April: Maybe, but she undermines my authority in the classroom when she’s in and out with that flipping tablet every five minutes!

Clara: Hmm, I’m not sure authority is the right word when you basically let the kids do as they please! And is it true that you’re weeks behind on your marking?

Roanna: [breaking in] Yes it is and I can prove it! I’ve got one of her pupils’ exercise books here – don’t worry, I’ve blocked out the name. [Rifles through the rather tatty book] You have to go back over a month to find something that’s been marked. And even then, April is very sparing with her red ink. Look, there are spelling mistakes here that haven’t been corrected!

Natalie: Ah, now that’s really not good enough, Miss Keats. Whoever heard of an English teacher who doesn’t correct spellings!

April: [shrugs] It was a creative writing exercise.

Roanna: Creative writing doesn’t mean creative spelling!

April: No, but what can do more to stifle a teenager’s fertile imagination than someone breathing down their neck saying they’ve got an ‘i’ and an ‘e’ the wrong way round? It’s a common problem with Roanna: she doesn’t see the wood for the trees!

Clara: Well, talking of trees, Dr Darwin’s nearly at the top when it comes to the school hierarchy. And that brings me to the next point in her video-reel – that the real reason you want to put the good doctor in the sludge is because she pipped you to the promotion and you’re sick with envy!

Roanna nods heartily in agreement to this.

April: That’s simply not true. I fully appreciate that Roanna is a bit more experienced than me, and to be honest, I’m not that interested in the deputy headship. [Clenches fists as her eyes gain a maniacal glint] It’s not a job I covet with every fibre of my being and would crawl over broken glass to get while stabbing anyone who got in my way!! [Regains her composure] Besides, I think Roanna is suffering from envy of her own; to use her own words, the kids think I rock!

Roanna: [nose twitching] They won’t think you’re so cool come exam time!

Natalie: Alright, alright! Let’s stop the discussion there! It’s clear that the corridors of Topswitch Academy are becoming a bit crowded for the two of you. You hold to very different teaching philosophies, and there’s a good dose of personal rivalry to boot!

Clara: [solemnly] That’s not something that can go unchecked when the education of precious young minds is at stake, so tonight we’re going to bring it all out in the open and settle your teaching tiff once and for all!

Natalie: Yes, it’s back to school for the pair of you, and you have three laborious lessons on your timetable! Whoever has top marks when the hometime bell rings will get a lovely certificate of merit, signed by Clara and me, declaring this rankling grudge settled in your favour!

Clara: And not only that – Grudge-2-Sludge will be proud to sponser a school trip for the winner’s subject area.

Natalie: So, Miss Keats, if you win tonight, you’ll be sitting up front in the coach on a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon to see all the Shakespeare stuff!

Clara: And Dr Darwin, if you should triumph, you’ll be leading your class on biology fieldwork along a scenic stretch of the Scottish coast!

The audience claps.

Natalie: But it’s only fair we give you a personal prize as well, to enjoy far away from those grotty kids. Miss Keats, we know that you’re a fan of sunshine, culture and foreign food, so how about a long weekend in Istanbul for you and your boyfriend!

April: Ooo! Thank you very much!

Clara: Don’t thank us until you’ve won, because if you lose then instead it’s a long weekend for Dr Darwin and her… husband, is that right? cycling round Norwegian fjords!

Roanna: Sounds blissful!

Natalie: I’m sure it will be… if you win! But no school can function without a good dose of discipline, and one of you will indeed be punished for the bad behaviour we’ve been hearing about.

Clara: That’s right. Whoever loses tonight will be put in something far worse than detention! Indeed they will be suspended… but not for long! Follow me!

Natalie and Clara turn and lead the two teachers towards the rear of the stage, to where the fearsome catapult, plush throne and capacious pool are situated. And tonight the pool looks especially capacious… because it is empty. The foursome stare down at the nondescript pool floor, which is surfaced with padded PVC.

Natalie: So. April and Roanna, this is the bit where we’re supposed to frighten and disgust you with a preview of the sludge, but it’s not ready yet. [Glances pointedly at Clara]

Standing sturdily at the side of the pool opposite the throne, are a pair of dome-shaped stainless-steel tanks, from within which gurgling and squelching sounds emanate. A concertina hose dangles from one of these tanks into the empty pool, ready for filling. Beside the tanks, a table is set up with an elaborate array of glassware – glass tubes and bell flasks and test-tubes on racks. Stephanie Quick, sister of Clara, stands there tinkering with the apparatus, wearing a lab coat and safety goggles.

Clara: [sniping back at Natalie] Yes, well, the reason we’re behind schedule is because I’ve had to decontaminate my chemistry set after someone let a load of a-holes into my hou−!

BANG!! Stephanie screams. A cloud of green smoke rises from the apparatus.

Clara: [frowning] …Plus I can’t get the staff.

Clara goes over to help Stephanie sort things out.

Natalie: Why do you need all that chemistry stuff anyway?

Clara: [fine-tuning a titration] Because I’m making QuickGreen.

Natalie: Doesn’t seem very quick to me…

Clara: [ignoring Natalie] It’s going to be the greenest green known to mankind – greener than any green you’ve ever seen!

Natalie: Well I don’t see anything at the moment, so let’s just hope there’s sludge in the pool by the end of the show. [Puts hands on April’s and Roanna’s shoulders]. Still, at least you can see how deep it is in there!

Clara: [gives the chemistry set one more tweak and then leaves Stephanie to it] And that’s something to mull over, because not only will that pool be filled to the brim with my slimy concoction, but one of you two will be slung in there with it!

Natalie: A fabulous moment it will be, and we have plenty of pupils and fellow staff members from Topswitch in the audience to witness it. Can we have a shout-out from the Topswitch crew?

A cheer reverberates around the studio.

Clara: Ooh yes, big school presence in the hall tonight, so it’ll be extra humiliating for whoever goes in! [Rubs hands together]

Natalie: Very humiliating indeed, Clara! But who will it be? Our airy-fairy English teacher, Miss Keats, who thinks that teaching is all fun and games?

Clara: Or will it be deputy head, Dr Darwin? Lover of targets and spreadsheets, not to mention insect porn!

Natalie: It’s a question we’re going to give all of you in the audience, whether from Topswitch Academy or not, the chance to opine over. Look in front of you, ladies and gents, and you will see a keypad with two voting options.

Clara: What we want you to do is vote for the contestant that you think is in the right − i.e. the contestant you want to spare a sludgy send-off.

Natalie: So, if you agree with April that there’s more to school than spreadsheets and more to teaching than targets, and you’d like to set Roanna on target for a “high-viscosity immersion dialogue” with our sludge, then then press the red button marked “I side with April”.

April raises a hand in the hair and shouts “Do it! Do it!” while Roanna points her button nose skywards and shakes her head snootily.

Clara: Or perhaps you think that Roanna is right and April is far off the marking. So if you want to turn April from hippy to drippy – and hey, what better punishment for envy than a coat of QuickGreen? – then push the blue button marked “I side with Roanna”.

To this suggestion, Roanna nods eagerly, while April cringes.

Natalie: You have 15 seconds to make your judgement. Vote now!!

The audience members go for their keypads. It seems that many members of Topswitch have no trouble making up their minds.

Natalie: Okay, time’s up! The votes have been registered and recorded, but like an exam paper they will stay strictly embargoed!

Clara: The great revelation will take place just before Round Three, at which stage we will divide each contestant’s percentage by 5 and add the nearest whole number to their score.

Natalie: Ooo, Dr Darwin, it’s the sort of thing you could make a spreadsheet about! But instead, you’ll have to settle for the pledge…

Clara: Miss Keats and Dr Darwin, do you pledge to put up a fair fight tonight, to bow to the adjudication of Nat and myself in all matters, and to accept the outcome as settling your grudge, once and for all?

April: With all my heart and soul, I pledge!

Roanna: It’s a framework I agree to work within.

Natalie: Good ho! Then let’s see you shake on it.

With the empty sludge pool forming a less than ideal backdrop, the shorter curvier woman and the taller slimer woman face each other. They seal their agreement with a polite handshake, but April can’t resist turning to wink to the camera just as the shutter snaps, freezing her expression in sepia.